Into the Muck

The party deals with the aftermath of their brutal bar fight with the barbarians, then heads off into the swamp to save the Green Teens. Beverly tries to salvage the Jamboreen, Hardwon is increasingly annoyed by the antics of Scoutmaster Denny ("a craven man"), Moonshine falls in love with another druid, and PawPaw hates his leash.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Before play begins] Greetings Goblins and Ghouls, it's your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy. On behalf of the party I wanted to thank you. We are overwhelmed with the response, the fan art is so cool. Guys, in the future use #NADDpod so we can have it all in one place. Everybody check out our subreddit r/Notanotherdndpodcast.

As of right this moment we already have 225 reviews, which is a great start, so tell you what. If you guys can get us up to 400 reviews we'll release a bonus episode where we will answer your questions about backstory, or the characters, or the adventure so far, or D&D in general, whatever you want.

Additionally, we're going to start doing shout outs for the people who give us five star reviews, and that will start next week. At the end of the episode, the party will do shout outs for all our new five star reviews in character, so be sure to include which character you want to receive your shout out from.

Great, now let me give you guys a quick recap of what happened last week. In future episodes I'll do recaps with the whole crew so they can comment, but we didn't do that this session so we'll do it real quick here.

Hardwon, Beverly and Moonshine showed up to the fishing village of Moonstone and met at the Hungry Trout Tavern. They were alerted by Beverly's Scoutmaster, Denny, that his troupe, the Green Teens, were captured by Bullywugs and dragged into a nearby swamp. But before they could go off to save them, they got into a bar fight with some barbarians who had been wreaking havoc on the town. The party bravely decapitated the brutes, then were aided by Mishka the half orc bartender in hiding the bodies, and that's where we find ourselves now.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D Podcast.

[Play Begins]

DM Murph: Welcome back to the realm of Bahumia. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner, and Emily Axford.

Moonshine: Who's Emily Axford, I'm Moonshine Cybin.

Hardwon: And I'm Hardwon Surefoot.

Beverly: Hello Sirs and Ma'ams. It's me, Beverly.

Hardwon: Ever proper.

DM Murph: Beverly beheaded someone last week.

Beverly: In self defense!

Moonshine: Um, if I may, I believe we all took a chance at beheading someone.

DM Murph: Everyone does have one beheading under their belt. Except for-

Hardwon: Hardwon has two.

DM Murph: Hardwon, who has two.

Moonshine: Moonshine's was already dead, so... you know...

Hardwon: My second beheading was more of an execution.

DM Murph: Yes, Beverly did aid in an execution.

Beverly: I politely requested that he not execute the man. I had already gotten my required beheading for my self defense merit patch. But my Scoutmaster knows best and proceeded-

Hardwon: He calls me the Scoutmaster, now.

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny made you a temporary scoutmaster.

Moonshine: yeah we're both- remember? I hocked a loogie and slapped my uh-

Beverly: I'm so... Lucky.

Hardwon: I'm going to add that to my list. Pride of the mountain, Scoutmaster.

Beverly: Before I had but one Scoutmaster, now I have three! Oh lucky day.

DM Murph: You guys beheaded these barbarians that you got into a bar fight with-

Beverly: That's correct.

Hardwon: Barbarian bar fight, that's cool.

DM Murph: -after killing two of them outside of the tavern-

Moonshine: Yes, I think that's where the word 'barbarian' comes from. It's actually-

Hardwon: 'Bar' fight.

Moonshine: It's short 'Bar-fight-arian'

DM Murph: Barfightarian, perfect.

Beverly: These bears in a bar.

DM Murph: So you guys killed these barbarians that were trying- [dry laughter] that were fleeing. You executed fleeing men.

Moonshine: I feel like I should point something out about Moonshine Cybin, which is that when she is in symbiotic entity mode, she has a savageness and she loses all of her Crick hospitality.

DM Murph: Sort of a crud lust.

Moonshine: Yes, yes.

Hardwon: That's nice. I like it.

Moonshine: Or sludge lust.

Hardwon: But if you think about-

DM Murph: Oh, sludge lust.

Hardwon: -your hospitality sort of like took a new shape, too. You had to be hospitable to Beverly and me and all of your new friends.

Moonshine: Yes!

Hardwon: These people are trying to kill us, the most polite thing that you could do is kill them first.

Moonshine: I turn into sort of like a spore- I have a spore mentality, and you guys are part of my fungal network.

Beverly: Right.

Moonshine: So then I'm defending the fungal network.

Hardwon: Right, that's your maternal instinct kicking in, that you probably hate.

Beverly: So you've infected us with your spores.

Moonshine: Yes.

Beverly: But at a surface level, so you know where we are and you can track us, but you haven't infected us properly.

Moonshine: Ooh, DM! Can I secretly put some spores on all of them, so that I can always track them?

DM Murph: Oh god, give a sleight of hand check, I guess.

Beverly: Not a secret now, I suppose.

DM Murph: Or a stealth check?

Moonshine: But I'm asking you before I do that, if I secretly put some spores on them, could I have advantage on tracking them in the future?

DM Murph: Uuum... perhaps.

Beverly: If we go rogue.

DM Murph: We'll see- depending on the situation.

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: We have to be careful how we brand this thing. Because if you think about it, we just killed a bunch of people that asked us to buy them a drink, and then summarily executed a guy fleeing.

DM: Here's where we're at right now. There's some beheaded barbarians that Mishka, the half orc bartender, and some of the fishermen that were also in the bar helped you pull inside. They helped clean up the tavern. They're clearly tired of being pushed around by these barbarians as well. They help you clean up after your murder. You guys are standing in this now cleaned up tavern, Mishka's just closed the door. It's you guys, the three fishermen, and the old bard who was there, and Mishka, she's got these scars all down the left side of her face. She's all burned up.

Moonshine: Real quick, I'd like to say, "Hey Mishka, real quick, I just kind of wanted to know who these people are?" So I just, hold up their heads one by one and ask their names.

DM Murph: She looks at the head of the main dude, the bigger guy who gave you guys some problems and she says, [in Mishka’s tired rasp] "That one's name is Kruk."

Hardwon: "Kruk."

DM Murph: "Or his name was Kruk."

Moonshine: "Kruk, okay."

DM Murph: "He doesn't have use for names anymore, I guess."

Beverly: “Is that with a ‘U’?”

Moonshine: “Well, you know, death is kind of cycle of life, so he'll be back in his own way. Maybe as a tree.”

Beverly: “Aww, yeah!”

Hardwon: [mimicking moonshine] “Or a giant mushroom!”

DM Murph: You see she walks over and pulls open his mouth. She shows you guys that he's lost a bunch of his teeth. She does the same with the other two barbarians. And she says-

Moonshine: [to the lack of teeth] "That's nothing."

DM Murph: -"They're called the cracked tooth clan."

Hardwon: “Whoa.”

Beverly: “Aaah!”

DM Murph: "They've scared off the citizen militia, and the barbarian's pretty much run the town now."

Hardwon: "Well we just killed their... leader. Right?"

Moonshine: "Was it their leader?"

Hardwon: "Was this their leader? Was Kruk the leader?"

DM Murph: "Kruk is... not the leader."

Hardwon: "Shit."

Moonshine: "Oh. ...He was pretty powerful."

Hardwon: "Yeah, he was hard to kill."

DM Murph: "The leader is one they call Garesh. He is living in the Mayor's old house. They ran the mayor out of town."

Beverly: "Is that with a G?"

DM Murph: "I don't... they didn't spell it for me.”

Beverly: "Okay, I'll just guess. I'll just do my best.”

Moonshine: "Oh wow! Look at that script, he's writing in calligraphy."

Hardwon: "So who are you afraid of? Is it the Bullywugs?"

DM Murph: "I am not afraid of the Bullywugs." And you see the old bard comes up and goes, [stereotypical old man voice] "Mishka here, fought a dragon!”

Hardwon: "Oh!"

Beverly: "Whaaat?"

Hardwon: [awkwardly] "Is that... the..."

Moonshine: "Is that where the scar came from?"

Hardwon: "I didn't notice a scar."

Moonshine: "I definitely thought it was a cooking accident."

Hardwon: [awkwardly] "I can't see it. I-”

Moonshine: "I assumed maybe you flipped a fish too energetically."

DM Murph: She has one blind completely white, milky eye. Hardwon is pretending not to look at it.

Hardwon: "Oh. I see something- maybe small. I don't know."

DM Murph: She goes, "Yes. It is true. Before the heroes came, a band of us here from the village tried to face the dragon, and I was the only one who survived.”

Beverly: Beverly thinks about asking about dragon genitals, but says nothing.

DM Murph: You see as you start to pipe up, Scoutmaster Denny is just like, "H-hold on there now, bud."

Beverly: He blushes slightly. I pull out my book about dragon anatomy.

DM Murph: You're starting to like point at the dick and ask about it.

Hardwon: Hardwon slowly pushes the book down.

Moonshine: "Well, I mean, I'd say Mishka, I heard that some Bullywugs took up these uh- took up some scout youngins and we're probably going to go save them. Because Bullywugs- we've got Bullywugs down by the Crick, they come up 'bout knee high."

Beverly: "As a Green Teen I am loyal to my fellow Green Teens and I must rescue them. It is my sacred charge as provided by my three Scoutmasters."

Hardwon: [non-committal] "Yeah, this guy [Scoutmaster Denny] gave me a bunch of gold so I was gonna... I was gonna go too."

Moonshine: "And I got a Green Teen gift bag."

DM Murph: [as Denny] "Fine Scoutmaster you are indeed, Mr. Hardwon!"

Hardwon: "Thank you."

Beverly: "I'm proud to serve under you allegiance!"

DM Murph: You see Mishka turns to Scoutmaster Denny in disgust and she goes, "You should have never brought them out onto the bay."

Hardwon: [in realization] "That's where they are."

Beverly: "But that's where the moonstone is!"

DM Murph: "They shouldn't have gone out there with this little coward."

Beverly: "But that's where-"

DM Murph: And you see that Scoutmaster Denny just says, "Uh, t-to be honest, uh, she's correct! We should not have gone out!"

Beverly: "But this is where the Jamboreen-"

DM Murph: "I definitely just swam back as soon as I saw them!”

Hardwon: You raised your finger like ‘I object to be called a coward’, but no.

Beverly: "But this is where the Jamboreen is, surely you heard about it, there's a lot of flyers up."

DM Murph: [as Mishka] "The Jamboreen was canceled."

Hardwon: "Super canceled."

Beverly: "People keep saying that. I guess I'm having trouble accepting it but [sighs]- maybe if we can get the scouts back from the clutches of these nasty Bullywugs, the Jamboreen can be back on! Because I'm sure it would be a great source of uh, economic growth for the town!"

Moonshine: "You know, I've got a washboard and two pieces of leaves, I can put on a one woman show for that Jamboreen."

DM Murph: [as Denny] "Per-per-perhaps you should help these uh, these Green Teens before they uh- before they're ritualistically sacrificed!"

Hardwon: "Oh yeah. He mentioned that! We should go do that."

Beverly: "Now, I love a ritual, but sacrifice is no good! Let's go gang!"

Moonshine: "Are we going to need a boat for this or can we kind of just, wade?"

DM Murph: [as Mishka] "You can take one of the boats down at the dock. That's probably the fastest way around. Or you can walk north around the bay and get to the swamp."

Hardwon: "Boat. We gotta go boat, right?"

Moonshine: "Yeah, definitely boat."

Beverly: "I do have my boat merit patch, so I would happily steer the boat for you!"

Hardwon: "Now does that mean you've been in a boat, or you've seen a boat?"

Beverly: "I have read a book! I have read three books about boats."

Moonshine: "Don't worry-

DM Murph: So to be clear he hasn't even seen a boat.

Hardwon: "Cause you got your Bullywug patch because you dissected a Bullywug, not because you fought one or seen one or... okay."

Beverly: "I stared intently at one. Yes, this is true."

Hardwon: "Alright. And you've also stared intently at a blueprint, I guess, of a boat?"

Beverly: "Galaderon is landlocked."

Hardwon: "Right."

Moonshine: "It's easy, I'll just put Pawpaw out the back of the boat and he can just kind of kick and just like, be like a little engine to move us along- propell us along."

Hardwon: "I was raised inside a mountain so that sounds fine to me. If that's what a boat is, let's do it!"

Beverly: "I'm just so excited to see a boat!"

Moonshine: "Sounds good."

DM Murph: Mishka just shakes her head and she says, "You might want to stop by the temple and talk to one of the druids before you go, they might be able to help you, heal you up, maybe give you something for your journey."

Beverly: "Okay."

Hardwon: "Yeah, let's go see that guy. I have a super deep axe wound in my shoulder."

Beverly: "You are bleeding quite a lot."

DM Murph: [as Mishka] "Yes, you're very hurt."

Moonshine: "Also, as a druid I would love to hang out with a couple of other druids, maybe swap stories, runes, whatnot."

Hardwon: "Spores."

Moonshine: “Spores”

Beverly: "As an aspiring Green Knight I am always happy to learn from a druid."

DM Murph: "Just so you know, she's going to be so angry that you're here, because she already told this one," and she points to Scoutmaster Denny, "that the Jamboreen was canceled and that he shouldn't go out on the bay, but then he went out on the bay, and now a bunch of kids are missing.” Scoutmaster Denny goes like, "Y-yep! That's right!"

Hardwon: Again raising his [finger] like [mimicking Denny], "One second! That is... true."

Beverly: "I"m so excited for my first mission. To save the Jamboreen!"

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny goes, "Uh, I can- I can show you t-t-the way to the temple if you guys want."

Beverly: "Yes, Sir!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, that'd be great."

DM Murph: Mishka looks at you guys as she opens the door to let you out and she says, "The barbarians probably won't notice that Kruk is gone for the night. He's a drunken idiot. It's not unheard of that he would get drunk and-”

Hardwon: "Drunken idiot, so not their most powerful leader."

DM Murph: “-No, not even close."

Beverly: "Huh. Huh."

Moonshine: "Okay. Even though he was like... real powerful though."

DM Murph: "These men that you killed, they might not notice them missing for twelve, sixteen, eighteen hours a day? But they will notice eventually and they will come asking."

Beverly: "The Green Teen Handbook likes to use the term ‘mortally corrected’, not killed. Just please, if you don't mind."

DM Murph: She just turns from Beverly, right to Hardwon, completely ignoring him [Beverly].

Hardwon: Hardwon nods. “That...makes sense.”

DM Murph: They both nod, and then Scoutmaster Denny just goes, "Al-alright! Campers of the light! Uh, let's go!"

Beverly: "...Hooray!"

Hardwon: Only Beverly's into it.

Moonshine: "Alright, I don't know about this guy."

Beverly: "I'll take the rear."

DM Murph: You see Scoutmaster Denny and Beverly start marching off.

Hardwon: They link arms.

DM Murph: They link arms and start walking off. Hardwon and Moonshine are just so disgusted.

Beverly: I think we start marching off and then I turn back around and am like, "Come on, come on!"

Moonshine: I put Pawpaw on his leash. I say, "I'm sorry Pawpaw, but things have gotten dangerous, you need to get hitched."

DM Murph: Pawpaw is like, [snarling, growling noises] just scrambling, foaming out the mouth, just running the full length- he's going crazier now that he's on a leash, he's running the full length of his leash and yanking at it.

Moonshine: It's like a vine-y straight jacket that I strap him into.

Beverly: So, we're going to a temple or...?

DM Murph: [as Denny] "Y-y-yes. It's a temple to Melora. This is good! I was actually preparing some things to teach you, but I never had a chance because the Green Teens disappeared."

Beverly: [dramatic gasp] I pull out my notebook.

Hardwon: "Of course."

DM Murph: Hardwon rubs his forehead so hard. Just can't believe- [to Hardwon] you know, you could have sided with the barbarians but you made your bed.

Hardwon: This is my crew.

DM Murph: Now you gotta lay in it. So Scoutmaster Denny is like-

Moonshine: But remember I'm hot. I'm attractive.

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I keep on reminding myself. "The elf is hot."

DM Murph: Reminder - She's covered in mushrooms but she might take a shower at some point. She might take a shower and the spores might come off. I don’t know.

So Scoutmaster Denny says, "N-n-now the druids here. The town is run by a druid circle and a town council. That is the mayor and a-a-a group of people within the town who help make decisions! Now, as we know the mayor was run out of town by the barbarians, b-b-but there's still a druid circle! Now, the mother, Thistle, is at the head of the druid circle, but I did not get to talk to her ‘cause when I went to the temple uh, uh, Shae, who is part of the druid circle told me to leave and said that the Jamboreen was canceled. So now we're going to go back to that temple-"

Hardwon: "And they also told you not to go onto the bay with the kids."

DM Murph: -"And they- that is- yes. They told me not to do that."

Moonshine: [to Scoutmaster Denny] "Why did the Bullywugs spare you?"

DM Murph: "Oh, I-I ran. I ran as soon as I saw them. I just jumped on my own boat and uh, I left the teens! I left those teens by themselves."

Hardwon: "You are a craven man."

Moonshine: "I gotta be honest, I don't think I'd treat youngins that way."

DM Murph: "I'm more of a tour guide than a paladin... really."

Beverly: "It's true that a Green Teen is taught never to run, even- especially when his friends are being left behind."

DM Murph: "Oh-well- uh, you know what? That's just why you're- ah- gonna make a great uh- Junior Green Knight!"

Beverly: "Aaah, you were testing me!"

DM Murph: "I-I-I'm testing you. Uh-,"

Hardwon: "Oh, god."

DM Murph: "These are your new Scoutmasters. They're the ones that are going to take you on this journey."

Hardwon: [to Beverly] "Just so you know, we weren't part of this."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I don't know about this guy."

DM Murph: "So I'm going to take you to a temple of Melora. Now Melora is the god of nature"-

Moonshine: "Hey."

DM Murph: "Yes?"

Moonshine: "Maybe when you drop us off you, I don't know, go get a drink and go to bed?"

DM Murph: "Are you sure? Well, okay- I- uh,"-

Hardwon: "I think they might not want to see your face."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I'm thinking that you might make us look worse if you come with us."

DM Murph: You see he holds up his finger, "That is, that is absolutely right! The-the-the lady druid, Shae, said that she did not like me, and that I was a coward and to-to not take those teens anywhere near the bay! And what did I do? I took 'em near the bay."

Hardwon: "And then you ran away when the Bullywugs-"

DM Murph: "And then I did run away!"

Hardwon: "You ditched them. Okay."

Moonshine: Okay real quick, I take out a straw hat and I say, "Just put this on and sort of like, pull it over your eyes so no one will recognize you."

DM Murph: "Yes-yes Ma'am!" And you see Scoutmaster Denny puts the straw hat over his face and he starts leading you guys down to the temple.

Beverly: As we're walking I whisper to him, "I forgive you."

DM Murph: "Thank you so much, because I don't forgive myself."

Beverly: "You shouldn't!"

Hardwon: That's dark.

DM Murph: He takes you guys to this round stone structure that's kind of like a dome. It's completely covered in moss and flowers. You see a little hut next to it, which you can assume is probably Thistle's original hut. Now there's a temple next to it.

Moonshine: I pluck a little bit of moss and eat it.

DM Murph: It tastes like... grass. It takes like dirt and grass.

Moonshine: Actually, I just chew on it.

DM Murph: Sure, you just start chewing. Scoutmaster Denny just turns to you like, "Please don't do that in the swamp… just e-e-eating anything."

Beverly: I would like- do I know anything about the history of this as a Green Teen?

DM Murph: You would know that this is a temple to Melora who is the nature god, sort of the neutral god who was just kind of like, 'come what may, there are predators and there are prey.’

Beverly: Nature is chaos.

DM Murph: Yeah, exactly. So it's kind of neither good nor bad, more like, of the land. You know that there is also a little structure that is for Pelor, which is your god, the god of farming and agriculture and light.

Beverly: Aww, nice. Nice of them to acknowledge.

Hardwon: Who is my god?

Moonshine: I have a question.

Hardwon: Oh, go ahead.

Moonshine: How much would I know? Like would I know, as a Crick elf druid, Melora?

DM Murph: You would definitely know Melora.

Moonshine: And who's my god?

DM Murph: Probably Melora.

Moonshine: Ooh!

Hardwon: Nice. Common ground, baby.

Moonshine: Coming home!

Hardwon: Do I have a god?

DM Murph: You would probably worship a dwarven god. Moradin is the creator/dwarf guy.

Hardwon: Cool. What's his name?

DM Murph: Moradin.

Hardwon: [reverently] Moradin.

Moonshine: Okay so if we're going- if this is my god, I take a finger full of mud and I make the shape of Melora on my forehead.

DM Murph: Okay cool. It's like a wave... is her symbol.

Moonshine: So I draw, and I draw it on your foreheads too.

Hardwon: I just shut my eyes in frustration.

DM Murph: So you see Scoutmaster Denny bows. This little halfling bow, just this stupid coward in a straw hat, just bows and points at the temple and goes, "As you requested, I will not follow you inside!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, go get a good night's sleep."

DM Murph: "Okay! Goodnight everyone! If you don't come back tomorrow, I'll try to pay a hunter to find your bodies!"

Beverly: [sounding deflated] "...goodnight, Sir."

Hardwon: "I hope he can't rest that well. I hope he has at least a hard time falling asleep."

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny still has a skip in his step as he walks.

Hardwon: Falls asleep as soon as he hits the pillow.

DM Murph: You shouldn't know this as not the DM, but he does fall asleep as soon as he hits the pillow.

Moonshine: I kind of hope he just leaves town and goes to another town and just starts an after school program and does something else with his life.

Hardwon: "Do you have any references?" [as Scoutmaster Denny] "Uh, no!"

Beverly: Denny definitely fails up, career wise.

DM Murph: He definitely also has a rich dad. He's definitely a twenty-two year old Junior Green Knight when he should be a hero by now.

Hardwon: He did have so much gold to throw around.

DM Murph: He did have a lot of gold. He's a coward. He's a coward. I don't know what else to say.

Beverly: Just straight up.

DM Murph: You guys are now- so Denny, with a skip in his step, just skips away, and you guys are now standing in front of this little temple of Melora. There's no door, it's just open.

Beverly: As he's leaving I say, "Our dads are friends."

DM Murph: "That's right!"

Beverly: "Bye."

Moonshine: So as I go in I take my two blades of grass and I begin to play a song to Melora, in Melora's honor.

DM Murph: Oh my god. Roll a performance check.

Moonshine: Oh shit. I believe I should have some kind of- I mean I'm proficient in my musical instrument, though.

DM Murph: Are you?

Moonshine: Yeah. I have a tool proficiency in a musical instrument.

DM Murph: Oh, sweet.

Moonshine: So what do add- Oh, I add my proficiency bonus, okay.

DM Murph: Yeah, read your character sheet.

Beverly: [Sees the roll] Oooh!

Moonshine: Oh, baby! 21!

Hardwon: Oh dude. She fucking brings the house down!

DM Murph: She pulls up two grass blades to her lips-

Hardwon: And I'm like, "Hey, what are you doing?"

DM Murph: Because she's been a fucking nutcase at this point. She's got a possum on a leash going absolutely nuts, she just ate a handful of moss-

Hardwon: Rubbed dirt on our foreheads.

DM Murph: She starts playing.

Moonshine: [hums terribly]

DM Murph: Hardwon, since you live with the dwarves, they’re not as musical or sentimental. Halflings enjoy a good tune.

Beverly: Oh sure, I think I would probably accompany her with my angelic boy voice.

DM Murph: Sure. So these two start singing a beautiful duet, he's singing about Pelor, and she's playing this beautiful- it sounds like a flute.

Moonshine: [still humming terribly]

Beverly: [Joins in, singing as high as possible] Pelor and Melora, they dance through the flora!

Hardwon: … So nothing like that? [referring to their terrible singing]

DM Murph: Nothing like this. It sounds beautiful. It's one of the most- probably the most beautiful song you've ever heard as you guys walk into this-

Moonshine: Is it affecting animals as we walk by?

DM Murph: There are no animals out.

Hardwon: Except for Paw Paw.

DM Murph: You can see there are flowers and stuff. [to Emily] No, yeah! Paw Paw calmed down. He got up and he's furiously licking your face. It is really hard for you to play and maintain concentration because Pawpaw is just going in on that cheek.

Beverly: This song is called 'Paw Paw's melody [or] Paw Paw's lullaby.'

DM Murph: You guys enter the temple. As you step inside you see moonlight shining from the top of the domed roof-

Moonshine: [gasps] Moonshine.

DM Murph: -There's a circular window at the top that lets light shine down on the floor of the temple.

Moonshine: Can I sparkle in moonlight?

DM. ...You can go step under the moonlight? You would look pretty majestic, sure.

Hardwon: I mean it's bouncing off the 'shrooms.

Beverly: You're dewy.

DM Murph: The moonlight bounces off the 'shrooms making Moonshine just look radiant.

Hardwon: Hardwon's just like, "Damn, she is really hot."

DM Murph: Hardwon's like, "Shit, if she took a shower...?"

Beverly: Beverly's uncomfortable and washes his hands.

DM Murph: Beverly just goes to a holy fountain and starts washing his hands like he's taking a bath.

Moonshine: Muttering a prayer of penance.

DM Murph: He just takes a bath in a bird fountain. Uh, okay. So you guys see that under this window that's shining moonlight, there's a garden on the floor of the temple with like soft green grass and flowers-

Moonshine: This is wonderful!

DM Murph: -There are wooden bookshelves along the walls and various tables with scrolls and potions. There's an altar below a hanging tapestry with the wavelike symbol of Melora. You see a white haired, ageless looking druid woman. Like a yoga mom, I would say?

Moonshine: This is my freaking dream! To be white haired and ageless.

DM Murph: She's white haired and ageless and she's meditating in the moonlight. Even as you guys play this song and everything she's paying you no mind.

Beverly: Is this the moon juice woman?

Moonshine: I have to be-

DM Murph: ...Moon juice woman?

Moonshine: Yeah, is this the moon juice woman?

Beverly: Emily knows what I'm talking about.

Moonshine: That L.A. moon juice, like Gwyneth Paltrow.

DM Murph: Yes, she is Goop.

Moonshine: Okay, so-

Beverly: Is that her name?

DM Murph: No.

Moonshine: Coming into this-

DM Murph: They told you that her name was Shae.

Moonshine: Coming into this I did not know Moonshine's sexuality. But Moonshine is desperately attracted. Her ovaries are like- she can feel them throbbing against her stomach.

Beverly: Thrumming and throbbing.

DM Murph: Wow.

Hardwon: Does that play into your fertileness?

Moonshine: Yeah. Just releasing eggs looking at her.

Beverly: I like to imagine they're like cartoon maracas.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So you guys show up and Moonshine- everyone is just lustfully looking at this druid woman who's meditating on the ground.

Hardwon: Everyone's just horny.

DM Murph: Yeah, everyone's just standing there very horny.

Beverly: Two episodes in and we're already horny.

Hardwon: Totally forgot about the kids.

DM Murph: Moonshine why don't you go ahead and roll for horniness, see how horny you are?

Moonshine: Okay, yeah. 11. What do I add to that, charisma?

DM Murph: Uh, yeah.

Moonshine: And I'm also proficient in it, so.... I'm going to be 15.

DM Murph: Proficient in horniness? That's a 15.

Beverly: That's pretty horny.

DM Murph: She's pretty horny. As Beverly takes a bath in the birdbath, washing his hands-

Beverly: And my feet.

DM Murph: -you see she's meditating and without opening her eyes she says, [as Shae- in a serious but soft, calm voice] "I told you kids the Jamboreen was canceled."

Beverly: "We're here to save the Jamboreen!"

Moonshine: "Okay, okay. Actually! [clears throat] Hi, Moonshine Cybin, friend of the fungus, lover of decay. Um, I- we're actually here because we're going to save the youngins from the Bullywugs."

Hardwon: "Yeah, yeah. We're actually not here for the Jamboreen.”

Beverly: "It’s true! We've been charged with a sacred quest to save my fellow Green Teens."

Moonshine: “I’m just sort of like a… budding hero.”

DM Murph: You see she opens her eyes, she's still sitting with her legs crossed, and she says, "What do you mean they got taken by Bullywugs? I told that little idiot not to take them anywhere near the bay."

Beverly: "He took them very close to the bay, so he could teach them about the moonstone!"

Hardwon: "Don't worry about him though, he's fine. He ran away."

DM Murph: Cut to Scoutmaster Denny sleeping in one of the rooms above the Hungry Trout Inn.

Moonshine: With like a hot milk next to him. He just really enjoyed himself.

Beverly: He is definitely wearing a sleeping gown.

DM Murph: He's staying in the biggest room with a king bed because his dad's so rich.

Beverly: So feathery! He's wearing a night cap, absolutely. He's got a little candle next to his bed that he's blowing out.

Beverely: [To Shae] "We have come here seeking healing and supplies for our journey to save the Jamboreen!"

Hardwon: "To save the kids."

Moonshine: "The youngins, we're here for the youngins."

Hardwon: "You can still cancel the Jamboreen."

Beverly: "The Jamboreen will be saved!"

DM Murph: You see she turns once again turns away from the other two and just looks right at Hardwon and says-

Moonshine: No I was saying we're saving the youngins! [to Shae] "I'm on your side, girl. Hi, fellow worshiper of Melora." I reach out my hand.

DM Murph: She reluctantly takes your hand.

Moonshine: I hold it until she lets go.

Hardwon: Too long.

DM Murph: She gets some spores on her hand.

Moonshine: I start- my hand starts crawling up her wrist.

DM Murph: Oh my god, she pulls back.

Beverly: I offer her some like, hand tonic. It's the fantasy equivalent of sanitation gel?

DM Murph: ...sure?

Beverly: I hand her some of that to clean her hand.

DM Murph: Do a persuasion check.

Beverly: Okay, I have plus 6 in persuasion.

DM Murph: See if this woman likes you.

Beverly: Uh, 18 plus 6.

DM Murph: Oh, dope. So she-

Beverly: Murph? Murph?

DM Murph: Yeah?

Beverly: I'm a very good boy.

DM Murph: Beverly is a very good boy. So you see she turns and you hand her some like hand sanitizer.

Beverly: I think it's like an aloe leaf.

DM Murph: Okay. You hand her an aloe leaf and she breaks and laughs and she tousles your hair.

Beverly: [giggles as Beverly].

DM Murph: She says, "Child, I'm a druid of Melora, I don't need to wash my hands, I'm okay with it."

Beverly: "Okay, I just - they looked dirty."

Hardwon: "That's kind of gross."

DM Murph: "Now, the-

Moonshine: I'm rolling around in the mud at this point.

DM Murph: Okay. Once again she just turns to Hardwon. She turns to Hardwon and Beverly.

Beverly: The only adult in the room.

DM Murph: ‘Cause... rolling in the mud. She says, "I need to be here to protect the people of this town, especially with the barbarians, so I can't go with you into the swamp. But if there are children in trouble, I will help you as best I can."

Hardwon: [reverently] "Awesome."

DM Murph: You see she heals you guys fully. She's a powerful enough druid.

Beverly: Nice!

Moonshine: How does she heal? Is it distance or touch?

Hardwon: You want it to be touch so bad.

DM Murph: She heals Beverly by touch, she heals Hardwon by touch, and she heals you by distance.

Beverly: [groans as though he's being healed]

Moonshine: I'm like, "Oh, I think I might not be fully healed, maybe you want to do one of those touch heals on me?"

Beverly: Beverly does not like the touch.

DM Murph: Oh, god. She looks at you guys and says, "I can give you some things that will help you on your journey, but please be careful while you’re out there. There's worse in that swamp than Bullywugs."

Hardwon: "Shit."

Beverly: "Like..."

Moonshine: "Like what?"

Beverly: "Like what's worse- like, two bullywugs?"

DM Murph: "There are many Bullywugs. They usually have a king of some sort, some type of shaman. There are trolls in the swamp-"

Moonshine: "These sound nothing like Crick bullywugs."

DM Murph: -"I don't know what the bullywugs are like in the Crick, but out here"-

Moonshine: "Bout knee high."

DM Murph: "They're- they're taller than knee high, here."

Moonshine: "Oh! Okay."

Beverly: "I'm knee high!"

DM Murph: [affectionately] "You are knee high, little one."

Beverly: "Huh."

DM Murph: "You're a very good boy." She tousles your hair again.

Moonshine: "’Bout knee high, they make a lot of noise at night, it's kind of annoying?"

DM Murph: "...Sure. Well. Um, I'll give you these to help you get across the bay quickly." She hands you three scrolls. These are scrolls of water walking. They let you walk on water for 20 minutes.

Moonshine: Whoa.

DM Murph: She hands you the scrolls of water walking and she also gives you guys each a potion of healing.

Hardwon: That's awesome.

Moonshine: Wow!

Beverly: Write that down.

DM Murph: So you guys are all healed up to full health.

Moonshine: Can I- I would just like to take her aside. I'm not going to do anything creepy.

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: I'm just saying, "I come bearing the spore of the Crick, and I'm trying to sort of spread it, to spread our word, spread our message, spread our people. We're a hospitable people. I would love to plant just, you know, a handful of spores in this beautiful garden."

DM Murph: "You're more than welcome to leave your mark."

Moonshine: "Thank you so much."

Beverly: I approach her with my- I have a little booklet that is labeled 'Interfaith Relationships' and I say, "I'm working on my interfaith relationships merit patch. Could you please sign this to say that I have communed with a hostess of Melora? As a representative of Pelor it is important for our two faiths to intermingle and work together!"

DM Murph: "Absolutely."

Beverly: "Yes!"

DM Murph: And she says, "Who should I make this out to? What's your name?"

Beverly: "My name is Beverly. Beverly Toegold the Fifth."

DM Murph: "Beverly Toegold the Fifth," and she signs your little book.

Hardwon: "Beverly I have to sign that too, as your Scoutmaster."

Beverly: "Yeah, everyone needs to sign this. Everyone sign it please."

DM Murph: "Oh, you're the Scoutmaster, you do know that it's canceled, right? The whole retreat?"

Hardwon: "And it's not coming back on."

DM Murph: "Right, yes."

Beverly: "Temporarily canceled, yes!"

Hardwon: "Permanently canceled."

Beverly: [purposefully ignoring] "Uh huh! For now."

DM Murph: "Yes, I expressly - I specifically told Scoutmaster Denny that it was canceled."

Hardwon: "He's a bad guy. I don't know what to tell you."

Beverly: "For the time being, yes."

Moonshine: When you hand it to Moonshine to sign, she looks really confused and tries to pretend like she knows how to write. She kind of just... scribbles with both hands.

DM Murph: She just makes her mark.

Beverly: I feel like I whisper to her, "an X is fine."

DM Murph: Okay. So she shows you guys out and as you guys are leaving the temple she looks at you guys and she says, "Good luck, may Melora bless you."

Moonshine: "You as well."

Beverly: "And Pelor keep you as well."

Hardwon: "Thank you."

DM Murph: She nods.

Moonshine: "Do you want one of these little mud spots I did?"

DM Murph: "No, actually. I do not."

Moonshine: "Okay."

Beverly: "It's actually pretty soothing!"

Moonshine: "It's nice, yeah."

Beverly: "It's working well on my acne."

Moonshine: "It's the love of Melora."

DM Murph: Beverly's covered in acne.

Moonshine: "You do have a lot of that..."

Beverly: "Uh huh. So, should we head for the bay?"

Moonshine: "Yes."

Hardwon: "Let's go to the bay."

Beverly: “Hooray!”

Moonshine: "Let's do it."

DM Murph: Dope. So you guys-

Hardwon: Beverly tries to do the linked arms, skipping-

Beverly: Yeah, I try to link arms with both of them and skip.

Hardwon: "I'm good."

DM Murph: You guys walk through the village. As you get down to the docks and the bay, as you approach the water, it gets brighter and brighter. You can see the water lighting up in a bright translucent white with a pale blue glow. Even from here, even from twenty, thirty feet away, you can see movement in the water of various fish swimming around. By the dock you see that there are several small fishing boats docked there.

Sitting on the dock is a singular half orc barbarian with a ponytail. He looks more like a shaman. He's got pelts and stuff. He's kind of meditating on the dock, there.

Moonshine: We could try to charm this guy, although if he's a shaman he probably has-

Beverly: He's meditating, right? Couldn't we just sneak past him?

Hardwon: We have permission to use a boat anyway.

DM Murph: Right now he has his back to you. He's looking out at the water. So you can kind of-

Moonshine: We have Water Walk though, bitches. Who needs boats?

Hardwon: That's true but- Shouldn't we save it in case something happens to us?

Beverly: Murph, just to paint a picture. He's at the end of a long narrow dock, is that what we're saying?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Why don't we just walk off the side of the dock and go around him.

DM Murph: You can literally do whatever you want. Do you want to avoid him, do you want to speak to him, what do you want to do?

Beverly: I feel like if he's a shaman and he's meditating I feel like we could maybe-

Moonshine: What if we just left a note at his feet, ‘cause that worked so well last time.

DM Murph: He does have the same ponytail of the other barbarian dudes. He's definitely with them from what you can tell.

Moonshine: So should we just try to sneak?

Hardwon: Yeah, let's sneak around this dude.

Moonshine: I think we should just sneak around him.

Beverly: Should we try... to give him a wedgie?

Hardwon: "No, Beverly."

Moonshine: No.

Beverly: That was Caldwell talking. Beverly would never.

Hardwon: You're a good boy.

DM Murph: So do you guys want to take the long way around?

Beverly: Not the super long way, I'm thinking we just kind of like, start from the beach and water tiptoe around this guy.

Moonshine: And stealth.

DM Murph: So you guys walk far away. Are you guys going to use the scrolls, or are you guys going to try to take a boat?

Hardwon: I vote boat.

Beverly: What?

Moonshine: I think that's a good idea. The scrolls only last so long.

Hardwon: And we've got to put the kids in the boat.

Beverly: Oh, use the scrolls as a backup. [to Daddy Murphy] Murph, double checking. The explorers’ pack, does it have a telescope in it? A little spyglass?

DM Murph: Uh... You can have a spyglass if you'd like, sure.

Moonshine: Oh my gosh, we should get a boat that looks like a fishing boat so if he sees us he thinks we're just late night fishin’.

Beverly: Yeah, good, good, good.

Hardwon: Smart.

DM Murph: Alright, so there are only kind of small fishing boats since this village has constantly been in peril, there's never been a time where they've had big commercial fishing boats or anything. You guys can take a small fishing boat.

Moonshine: And we're going to set up the fishing, the fishing....

Hardwon: Lines.

Moonshine: The fishing lines so it looks like we're just fishing.

Hardwon: Like a little troller.

DM; Okay, cool. You guys kind of bypass-

Hardwon: Just like you pretend you know how to write, I pretend I know how to set up a fishing line.

DM Murph: You guys bypass this dock and kind of get away from this barbarian dude. You walk further and further down the bay. Does somebody want to give me a search check?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Who's good at it?

DM Murph: Is ‘search’ a skill? Why do I keep telling you guys to do search checks?

Beverly: Would that just be perception?

DM Murph: Yeah, go ahead and give me a perception check.

Moonshine: I got 18.

DM Murph: 18, great.

Beverly: That's great.

Hardwon: Oh, we about to find some fishin' shit.

DM Murph: You find a boat that has some fishing poles tucked under the seats.

Moonshine: What about some worms and some bait?

DM Murph: You do not find... that. They are not just going to leave their worms in their boat.

Beverly: I leave a note and some gold.

DM Murph: In the boat that you're taking?

Beverly: No. In the... fishery?

DM Murph: Oh, okay. Got it.

Beverly: To say 'thank you for letting us borrow your equipment.'

Hardwon: He signs his name for some reason, and I cross it off.

Moonshine: You write a different name.

Hardwon: "Let's not let them know."

Moonshine: Denny!

Beverly: [whispers conspiringly] "Is this my nickname?"

DM Murph: You guys take off on the boat. You get out onto the bay. As you are riding across the bay you can see all the fish swimming up. It is so easy to fish here that literally big yellowfin tuna are just jumping into your boat, flapping at you and smacking you in the face- just jumping all over the place.

Moonshine: I think I'm just scooting ‘em out. I'm kicking ‘em back out.

Beverly: No, no, no! I feel like we should hold onto them. We could maybe use them to bargain with later on.

Hardwon: Or eat.

Beverly: Or, eat.

Moonshine: You guys can hold onto them, I'm probably just kicking them back out. Being like, "Git, git!"

DM Murph: Pawpaw is just furiously eating a halibut. Tearing at one.

Moonshine: [scolding] “Paw Paw.”

Beverly: I feel like I- how long a journey is this?

DM Murph: Not super long.

Beverly: So I wouldn't have time to skin a fish-

DM Murph: It would probably be like, fifteen minutes?

Beverly: I can skin a fish in fifteen minutes.

DM Murph: Okay?

Hardwon: We eatin' sushi.

Beverly: Yeah. I prepare sashimi for everyone.

DM Murph: ...great. Beverly makes some really great sushi-

Moonshine: "What's this high falutin' food?"

DM Murph: -that everyone gets super sick from. Roll for how many bones you swallow.

So, you guys get to the other side of the bay and you find this abandoned dilapidated dock. You see that the wood is soaked through with water damage, you see spots of green moss and fungi.-

Hardwon: [to Moonshine] “Your favorite.”

DM Murph: A few jagged planks stick out across the walkway.

Moonshine: Um, can I collect some of that fungi?

DM Murph: Sure. You go over, grab some fungi.

Moonshine: Ooh! What kind is it?

DM Murph: Let's see, let's roll and see if it's poisonous. It is... safe to eat.

Moonshine: Well I'm not going to eat it, I'm just going to put it in the spore library.

DM Murph: It's a blue capped mushroom.

Beverly: So this is like a little island?

DM Murph: No. It's a bay. It's kind of like a sideways horseshoe into the land. So south of the bay- the south side of the bay is the village, and north of if it is the swamp. It's this big expanding swamp.

You guys, standing on this dilapidated dock, facing out from the bay, you see this great expanding swamp. You see that the hanging leaves of the mangrove trees and the weeping willows make it impossible for you to see through. You do notice though, that at the edge of the swamp, you see a broken spear and a longsword stuck in the mud.

Moonshine: Broken spear and a longsword stuck in the mud, okay. So presumably that's some sort of warning to stay away.

Beverly: Or an entrance!

Hardwon: Or there could be people guarding that area and they just went to take a pee or something.

Moonshine: Can we do a perception check or something?

Beverly: That seems wise.

DM Murph: Go ahead and do an investigation check. You guys can all roll for investigation.

Moonshine: I got 18!

Hardwon: Oh, hell yeah.

DM Murph: Perfect. There was a fight here. There was clearly a fight here.

Hardwon: I got a 4, so Hardwon looked around and didn't see shit.

DM Murph: Yeah, Hardwon didn't see shit.

Hardwon: [confidently] "Looks fine to me!"

DM Murph: He still thinks that maybe somebody left it as a mark, that it's the entrance. There was definitely a struggle here, you see that somebody was dragged into the swamp.

Moonshine: Do I see anyone in the trees, or anything like that?

DM Murph: No.

Beverly: Do we see maybe any torn neckerchiefs or merit badge sashes?

DM Murph: You do not.. here. But you do notice that when you pick up the longsword you see that it is identical to your Green Teen longsword.

Beverly: Huh. "Guys, this sword is identical to mine!"

Hardwon: [sarcastically] "What do you think that means, Beverly."

Beverly: “Hmmm…” Beverly thinks for a little too long about it.

[laughter]

DM Murph: A full silent minute.

Moonshine: Someone hasn't gotten his critical thinking badge yet.

Beverly: "Still working on that one! ...I think that the Green Teens were here." Before we proceed I want to ask, when Shae healed us did that replenish our spell slots and whatnot?

DM Murph: No.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Great.

DM Murph: [mocking Beverly] "Cool, cool, good, good, good."

Hardwon: [also mocking] "And it didn't do anything for my acne either!"

Beverly: I feel like it cleared it up a little bit. Looking fresh faced, looking good. Alright, hmm. I wonder if I could- I don't think there would be magic on these Bullywugs. I don't think I can use this- I don't think I can detect an aura on this sword or anything like that. Although... Could I detect the magic from the other Green Teens?

DM Murph: No, the purpose of Detect Magic is to see if something is magical. Like if you go to a door or something and it's sealed closed you could see if there's a spell holding it closed. It's not to track someone.

Beverly: Okay. We're going in blind!

Moonshine: "Y'all, I think we gotta stealth in, 'cause I'm getting goose pimples. This place does not feel hospitable."

DM Murph: Her investigation check was really good. You do see someone was dragged in there, and you do see that it is pretty easy to follow the tracks because it's super thick muck.

Moonshine: Can we stealth in a boat?

DM Murph: You're not in the boat.

Hardwon: Yeah, we're walking through the muck now.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: Yeah, we're off the boat.

Moonshine: Oooh, we're in the muck?

Hardwon: Yeah, let’s follow the tracks, nice and stealthy.

Beverly: Yup, sounds good.

DM Murph: Okay, you guys are stealthing? Everybody go ahead and tell me what order everyone's going. Is somebody like, scouting ahead, or is...

Moonshine: Um, who has the best stealth?

Beverly: I have nimbleness. It would probably be me.

Moonshine: It would probably be you. Although you're also wearing heavy armor.

DM Murph: It should say, you have a stealth skill. [to Beverly] Yeah, you're not going to be great at stealth.

Beverly: Hm, my stealth is plus 2.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: I'm only plus 2.

DM Murph: No one's good at stealth?

Hardwon: Oh, it's under dex! I'm plus 4.

Beverly: Oh, okay, yeah!

Moonshine: Plus 4. Okay, so maybe Hardwon goes first, then I'll go, and then we'll keep little Beverly in the back.

DM Murph: So are you guys following at enough of a distance that Hardwon's going to run into any trouble before anyone else is? Or are you guys close together?

Beverly: I feel like we should let Hardwon be the scouting party.

DM Murph: Alright, so you're like twenty feet ahead.

Hardwon: Okay.

Beverly: Yeah. [to Hardwon] Are you cool with that?

Hardwon: Hardwon fears nothing, though he should.

DM Murph: So you're going to be the primary stealth roll, because you're the one that's scouting ahead. Hardwon starts going after these- [Jake rolls, Murph bursts into laughter mid-sentence]

Hardwon: ...Oh.

DM Murph: That's a 9.

Beverly: Huh.

Moonshine: Oof.

Hardwon: That's... yeah. That's a... [awkward laughter]

Moonshine: Oh I should have- wait. Swamp wouldn't count as 'woods' right? Mask of the Wild wouldn't have any effect here?

DM Murph: Mask of the Wild?

Beverly: That's very cool.

DM Murph: Yeah, that counts as woods.

Moonshine: It means in woods it's easier for me to hide.

Hardwon: Oh, shit!

DM Murph: Sure, yeah.

Moonshine: So I should have gone first. We'll know for the future.

Beverly: Hindsight.

DM Murph: But for now Hardwon is making loud sounds in the muck, walking.

Hardwon: [makes squelching noises] The mud's sucking at my boot.

Beverly: Hardwon like sneaks forward two steps, then steps on a bird [squawks].

Hardwon: [defensively] "That would have happened to anybody!"

DM Murph: Hardwon, as you walk ahead you turn just in time to see a spear being thrown at you, heading right towards you. [rolls dice] That is going to be a 17 to hit, does that hit you? What's your AC? 16. That does hit you.

Hardwon: Damnit.

Beverly: Uh oh, sounds like we're about to hit that niche.

Hardwon: Hardwon's going down.

DM Murph: You got hit for 7.

Hardwon: Oh boy.

DM Murph: You get hit with a spear for 7, everybody go ahead and roll me initiative. Actually wait, there's two of them. Sorry, the other guy is gonna throw a spear at Hardwon in the surprise round.

Beverly: [nervously] Oh, cool.

DM Murph: And he's going to hit, too. I'm so sorry Hardwon.

Hardwon: Dude, no.

DM Murph: Another 6.

Hardwon: So that's 12 total?

DM Murph: 12 total.

Hardwon: Oh boy.

DM Murph: Okay so everybody roll initiative.

Moonshine: [laughing] Hardwon just like collapses...

Hardwon: "Don't worry guys, I got this! [vocalizes getting shot by arrows]" Instantly just gets hit by two spears.

Beverly: This is such a good turn from Hardwon in episode one, where he was so confident and cool.

Moonshine: I know!

Hardwon: Right after I got fully healed by the druid lady, too.

Beverly: I got a 10.

Moonshine: I got an 11.

DM Murph: What'd you get, Hardwon?

Hardwon: 11, but is that plus-

DM Murph: Yes, plus your dex.

Hardwon: Uh, 4, uh...

DM Murph: Dope, 15. Hardwon, you get to respond.

Hardwon: Whoo!

Moonshine: Hardwon runs!

DM Murph: You turn and you see these-

Hardwon: I sprint away to wherever Denny is.

DM Murph: You can kind of sprint to where you saw the spears being thrown and there are two of these Bullywugs, these little frog men who are probably four feet tall and kind of burly, kind of like dwarves.

Moonshine: "This is bigger than a Crick bullywug."

Beverly: I point to them and say, "Those are bullywugs!"

Hardwon: "...Thank you, Beverly."

DM Murph: So you can swing on them if you want, or you can do whatever you'd like.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm fucking pissed. Great axe coming out, straight for this dude's dome to try to split it in half from the head. And... [rolls dice].

DM Murph: Oh yeah, you hit!

Beverly: The Dome Crusher.

DM Murph: 17.

Hardwon: [rolls].

Beverly: That's a 9.

DM Murph: Oh man, so you hit for 13 total?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: You do fucking cut this dude in half. You just smash this fucking frog. The other one looks so scared. That is Moonshine, you're up.

Moonshine: I'd like to cast Entangle with the Mangrove roots.

DM Murph: There's only one.

Moonshine: Oh, there's only one left!

DM Murph: And one is dead. So these guys are not-

Beverly: This seems like a scouting party, or some sort of exploratory vessel.

DM Murph: I think Beverly would be correct in assuming that.

Moonshine: I'm just gonna straight up try to hit him with my scimitar. Just keep it simple.

DM Murph: Cool. Moonshine runs up… That’s a 2 that you rolled...

Moonshine: Uh, that's gonna be a 2. Um, but I am still going to Halo Spore him for 3, cause I'm not Symbiotic Entity but...

DM Murph: Got it, so you shoot some spores at this dude. He looks- he does not like it. He does not like it one bit.

Moonshine: Does he sneeze?

DM Murph: Uh... Yes. He sneezes a little bit. Just a little [imitates tiny, ladylike sneeze]. Uh, Beverly, you're up.

Beverly: Okay. Hardwon, what's your HP?

Hardwon: Uh, I'm at 10.

Beverly: Looks like half. I'm going to kind of run up and latch onto his back.

Hardwon: I hate when he does this.

Beverly: Yeah, it's never happened, but you know that you hate it. I'm going to use Touch Hands.

DM Murph: Lay Hands, you mean?

Beverly: Lay Han- No, Touch Hands.

DM Murph: You're just going to touch him?

Moonshine: [laughing] Touch Hands!

Hardwon: He just wants to high five.

Beverly: Yeah, I high five him and he's healed.

DM Murph: I believe it's 10 health...

Hardwon: I'm back, that's full.

Moonshine: "Dang! This little youngin is powerful!"

DM Murph: He's going to take a swing at-

Moonshine: "They don't make youngins like you where I come from."

DM Murph: He's going to take another swing at Beverly- not Beverly-

Beverly: Wait-

DM Murph: -not Beverly, Hardwon.

Beverly: I'll save that, nevermind.

DM Murph: This dude freaking dinked off your axe. You were able to swing it back around and block this dude. Hardwon's back in control.

Hardwon: I'm back in shape.

DM Murph: After getting his ass kicked by some frogs.

Hardwon: Making a lot of noise and taking two spears.

Beverly: I do remain on his back.

Hardwon: Hell yeah. I'm swinging for the dude's throat.

DM Murph: What is that, 14 total? A 14 to hit? That does not hit.

Hardwon: Fuck me!

DM Murph: This dude- you swing your axe, he blocks it. He has a shield. That takes us to Moonshine.

Hardwon: Help me!

Moonshine: Alright, Moonshine's coming with her scimitar again.

DM Murph: Do it up.

Moonshine: That's going to be 18.

DM Murph: 18 hits.

Hardwon: Ooooh! That's what's up.

Moonshine: ...hitting him for 3. And then another spore-rific kiss, so that's 6.

DM Murph: This dude's fucked up, he looks pretty hurt. He's on death's door. He’s pretty hurt. That's you, Beverly.

Beverly: From Hardwon's shoulders, I ready a javelin. That's plus 5 to attack, let me roll.

DM Murph: You're just going to toss a javelin at him?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Actually- Well, I already rolled and it's an 18.

DM Murph: Okay, you hit.

Beverly: So I throw that, is that going to be a hit?

DM Murph: Yes, definitely.

Beverly: That's going to be a d6 plus 5, that's 8.

DM Murph: 8, yeah. You javelin this dude-

Moonshine: It's only plus 3.

Beverly: Uh, no. Oh, yeah! Okay, so 6, sorry.

DM Murph: 6. Okay, still, this dude was almost dead. You see he was like coughing from all the toxic spores, and he just gets fucking javelined through the head and he sticks to the tree behind him.

Hardwon: Oh, that's awesome.

Beverly: Is he dead?

DM Murph: He's super dead.

Beverly: Okay. Um-

Moonshine: Can I search his body for any interesting fungi?

DM Murph: Yes. You search his body. He definitely-

Beverly: Yeah, we should do a search.

DM Murph: -does not have any interesting fungi on him.

Moonshine: Mold?

Hardwon: But he has some uninteresting fungi.

DM Murph: He does have- he's got a little shield, a little wooden shield.

Moonshine: Ah, I've got one of them already.

DM Murph: He's got his spear, and he also has a burlap sack.

Hardwon: Ooh.

Moonshine: Let me go through that sack!

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You open up the burlap sack-

Hardwon: Hoping it's mushrooms inside.

DM Murph: -and it is empty.

Moonshine: Empty?

Beverly: Uh, can we check the other one?

DM Murph: The other guy also has a burlap sack.

Moonshine: Why are they empty, that's weird.

Beverly: I'm trying to see- I just wanted to see if they had any affiliation sigils, or perhaps like a tattoo, or any sort of identifying marks that would give us information about the larger clan?

DM Murph: Nope.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: They're just Bullywugs, man.

DM Murph: They’re just some frogs.

Moonshine: I can't believe their burlap sacks were empty.

Hardwon: What were they gonna put in there?

Beverly: "You know, I think that these [the Bullywugs] might be good for a jambalaya."

Moonshine: "Okay! Someone's gonna talk about jambalaya I'm gonna make a bonfire and make me some-"

DM Murph: --Are you making a fire right now?

Hardwon: "--Let's not do fire! No! Let's focus on the kids!"

Moonshine: "Okay. That's good. No, you're right. The youngins. We need to do the youngins." However, can I rip off one of their legs so I can later make a Bullywug jambalaya.

DM Murph: [exasperated] ...yeah. I guess.

Moonshine: Let me sniff at it and see if I think it's-

DM Murph: They smell so rank. These guys are disgusting.

Beverly: Well sure, but you gotta cook 'em first.

Moonshine: I tousle Beverly's hair and I say, "I don't think this is gonna be the best jambalaya base."

Beverly: "Aw, darn. I'll get that cooking merit patch yet! Not today."

Moonshine: "You hang around with me you're going to get a lot of patches."

Hardwon: [serious] "Alright, guys."

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Hardwon's like, "Focus up, focus up everyone."

Hardwon: I can't be that mad at Beverly because he healed me.

Moonshine: "Okay, let's get them youngins."

Beverly: "Onward!"

DM Murph: You travel through the muck, you're pushing the hanging leaves out of your face. Hardwon and Moonshine, the mud is up past your ankles. Beverly, you're knee deep in it.

Beverly: Can I ride on Hardwon's back?

DM Murph: Yeah! Is that cool with Hardwon?

Hardwon: He hates it, but yes, he allows it.

DM Murph: Okay, he allows it.

Moonshine: Oh, you just trailed muck up Hardwon's back.

Beverly: [nervously] "Thank you, Sir!"

DM Murph: You guys are following the tracks left by the Bullywugs, it's kind of easy, these guys are stupid. They just left these big tracks in a straight line.

Moonshine: Oh, can I go first? I've got Mask of the Wild, so I'm using that to lead the group, because it makes it easier to hide.

DM Murph: Great. As you guys are travelling Moonshine is taking the lead, a little bit more stealthy than Hardwon was. Hardwon is now carrying Beverly.

Moonshine: Can I- I'm like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment level stealthing. It's unnecessary.

DM Murph: Just getting down in the muck, covered in freaking swamp water. You guys are able to follow these stupid Bullywug tracks because they were pretty careless as they went through the mud. Suddenly, things get a little bit more difficult. It looked like they were all walking in a straight line, but now you see the path diverges. You see to the north, a giant puddle followed by a six foot wall of mud and the tangled roots of a mangrove tree hanging out of it. You see broken roots and little froggy footprints on the side of it, so you can see that some of them clearly climbed the mangrove tree. You see to the right, a path in the mud where it seems like something big was dragged.

Beverly: Hmm. Uh....

Moonshine: Tell me about this puddle.

DM Murph: What are you doing to the puddle.

Beverly: [laughing, mimicking Moonshine’s southern drawl] “Lemme at that puddle.”

Moonshine: I would like to get to the edge of the puddle and just look in. Just to try and sense depth, or what it's made of, or anything like that.

DM Murph: Sure. It's pretty murky, you're not going to be able to tell how deep it is by looking at it, but you could stick your foot in or put your hand in or something like that.

Moonshine: I'm going to stick my staff in.

DM Murph: You stick your staff in. It is not that deep. It's like two or three feet deep.

Beverly: I want to inspect the dragging trail to see if I can discern what was dragged.

DM Murph: Sure. Go ahead and give me an investigation check.

Beverly: That's a 9 plus 2, 11.

DM Murph: Cool, 11. You don't see any frog footprints or anything going this way. You just see [that] whatever was being dragged was so big that it sort of cleaned up behind it. It's just this one mass getting dragged.

Hardwon: Sounds like a big burlap sack full of kids to me.

Moonshine: I think so!

Beverly: Or a sled or something.

Moonshine: A sled is very optimistic. [mocking] “The Bullywugs just captured them for a sleigh ride!”

Beverly: So I can't tell if it was a creature, or if it was a sack. I just know that something big was dragged this way.

DM Murph: [mockingly] That's what you get with a 10.

Beverly: Fair enough.

Moonshine: Okay, I guess maybe we follow this, right?

Hardwon: Yeah, we follow the sleigh. Or, bag.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys start going-

Moonshine: Wait, what was that wall they climbed up? There was like a muddy wall?

DM Murph: Heading straight ahead, to the north, you saw it was the mangrove tree that was hanging off that six foot wall with frog footprints going up it, like they climbed it. And then something big was going to the right.

Hardwon: Oh, I'm a good climber. I could climb-

Moonshine: I could also change into a giant lizard, in which case I could climb as well.

Hardwon: Oh. That's true too.

Beverly: We should follow the tracks, but I do want to see Emily turn into a giant lizard.

Hardwon: We just have to see what's over the wall, we don't have to-

Moonshine: Then maybe we won't use- if we just need to see what's over the wall, maybe we just use your climbing ability.

Beverly: Yeah. Do you want to check what's over the wall before we proceed?

Hardwon: Yeah. [cockily] "Watch this."

DM Murph: Give me a climb check.

Beverly: Am I still on his back?--

Hardwon: [rolls, laughs immediately] Oh, no.

DM Murph: [laughing] He just rolled a 2!

Beverly: --I... was still on his back.

Moonshine: Is he just grabbing onto roots, and they all just break?

Hardwon: Wait a second, cause I have a plus something there. Ah, that's a 6 I think, brother.

DM Murph: That's a 6! Hardwon very confidently leaps over the puddle, grabs onto the mangrove tree. A branch instantly breaks off and he falls back into the puddle, soaking himself and Beverly.

Beverly: I offer him-

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me- both of you guys give me a perception check. Actually, all three of you give me a perception check, because he splashed into the little puddle.

Hardwon: Of course.

Moonshine: 17!

Hardwon: I got an 11 plus.. yeah. Just a straight up 11.

Beverly: Why can't I find it? Oh, wait. 19.

DM Murph: 19, okay. As you splash down in the puddle with Hardwon, you see in the mud...a patch. A cooking badge.

Hardwon: Oooh, that's juicy.

Beverly: Oh and I'm so tempted by this, because I don't have that patch. My first immoral thought is to just affix it to my sash and claim it as my own. But I think better of it and say, "Friends-"

Moonshine: I see this, because we had just talked about it, and I put a hand on Beverly's shoulder and I say-

Beverly: [nervous noise].

Moonshine: - "You're better than this, youngin."

Beverly: "You're right. Friends, the Green Teens have been this way. This patch, this could have been... Erlin, Cran, or Derlin. One of the three. They're the only three in our troupe that have this patch."

Hardwon: So it was just in the puddle, right? We still don't know if it went- if it was lost being dragged or climbed...

Moonshine: So how desperate are we to see over this wall, or should we just-

DM Murph: It was much closer to the wall, than it is to the track to the east.

All: Oooh.

Hardwon: So we gotta get up and over this shit.

Moonshine: Okay, so if I turn into a giant lizard can I shuttle them over?

DM Murph: It's not a hard climb, he just rolled a 2. You don't need to turn into a giant lizard.

Moonshine: Then maybe I'm going to try to do it without even turning into it, without Wildshaping.

DM Murph: Yeah, go ahead. Everybody just give me climb checks.

Hardwon: [still cocky] "Watch this."

DM Murph: Just beat a 10.

Beverly: Is that acrobatics?

Moonshine: We add athletics?

Hardwon: [after rolling] Got it!

DM Murph: It's athletics.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: 15!

DM Murph: You got it.

Moonshine: I look down at Hardwon from the top and just shake my head.

Beverly: I got a 10.

Moonshine: --And I reach out a hand.

DM Murph: Moonshine gets up there easily. Hardwon follows up, head hanging down and Beverly follows up easily behind Hardwon. The only one who did not get up on his first try was Hardwon Surefoot. Let it be known that Surefoot is the one who fell.

Moonshine: After he said “Watch this!”

Hardwon: That's so fucking true about me as a guy.

Beverly: "Hardwon the trick is to take it slowly and steadily."

DM Murph: So as you guys climb up, you are able to pick up the tracks again. The Bullywugs were clearly here, so you guys continue to follow for a bit. What order are you guys walking in, how are you proceeding?

Moonshine: Me first. Stealth and Mask of the Wild.

Hardwon: Me last.

Beverly: We're hanging back.

DM Murph: So you guys are walking forward, following the tracks and the muck is getting deeper, and deeper.

Hardwon: Shit.

Beverly: Huh. Well I'm back on Hardwon's shoulders.

DM Murph: Okay, you're back on Hardwon's shoulders. So you guys-

Moonshine: You're like, [mocking Hardwon] "That's why it affected my climbing…’cause you actually kind of hurt my shoulder before, so that's why I couldn't climb."

Beverly: I've got my spyglass out and I'm patrolling the area.

DM Murph: Okay, spyglass. Go ahead and give me a perception check.

Beverly: Okay. [rolls dice] ...That's a 3. My spyglass is very muddy.

Moonshine: Can I do a knowledge nature about this rising muck? If I know how- why the terrain is changing?

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: 20.

Beverly: Whoa.

DM Murph: 20.

Hardwon: 20, damn. You’re gonna know everything.

Moonshine: Ha! He gives us a twenty minute lesson about swamp biology.

Beverly: You taste the muck.

DM Murph: You see as you're walking through this mud, you see ahead of you this pool of muddy water, and the tracks stop. You think that that might be quicksand.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: But you do see tracks, you see tracks up on a hill ahead.

Beverly: Without burning my-

Moonshine: Is there a way to get around that, can we skirt that pool?

DM Murph: You could take the long way around, but you'll need to do some nature checks and stuff to see if you can keep tracking the Bullywugs.

Beverly: Can we check- I want to investigate, um-

Moonshine: Can I- how big is it?

DM Murph: It's twenty feet across.

Moonshine: Okay. Can I then cast shape water on it and freeze it? I have- it says thirty feet.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Do we- would we know if this was like, magical quicksand or if it's just normal quicksand?

DM Murph: You could try to detect magic on it if you'd like.

Beverly: I don't know if I want to burn detect magic on this... puddle.

DM Murph: I gotta be honest, it wouldn't be a great use.

Hardwon: Heh, it's just quicksand.

Moonshine: Oh, okay but it does say you can freeze the water provided there are no creatures in it.

DM Murph: Are there creatures in it?

Beverly: Hmm..

Moonshine: Well-

Beverly: Should we... yell at the puddle?

Moonshine: Should I stick my staff in and see if there is-

Beverly: [ To the quicksand] "Are there any... anyone in there?"

DM Murph: You stick your staff into the muddy water. You do not immediately feel anything.

Moonshine: ...Okay. Then I guess I'm going to cast Shape Water. It's only a cantrip, so... I'm going to cast Shape Water and try to freeze it.

DM Murph: So Moonshine summons the elements and you see frost-

Moonshine: [chanting] "Melora! Oh, Melora! Melora!"

DM Murph: -frost coming off of her hands as she shoots like a ray-

Moonshine: I play my washboard to summon.

DM Murph: Sure. She strums her washboard in a beautiful icy tune. You see the muddy water freeze, and then a giant fucking snake bursts out of it!

[Everyone groans]

DM Murph: And everybody roll initiative.

Moonshine: Shit!

Hardwon: "Fucking snake, dude."

Moonshine: "Melora-fucker."

Beverly: Not a magic snake though.

Moonshine: That's gonna be a 20!

Hardwon: Good lord, I rolled a 1.

Moonshine: You gotta swap those for some new dice.

Beverly: I got a 12.

Hardwon: Fucking garbage, man.

DM Murph: What did you get, Moonshine?

Beverly: What'd ya get?

Moonshine: Oh, I got a 20.

DM Murph: Okay. Moonshine, you go first.

Moonshine: Okay. I would like to cast Thunderwave.

Beverly: Damn.

Moonshine: He does a constitution saving throw or he takes 2 d8 damage and is pushed 10 feet.

DM Murph: He got a 9, that's probably not going to do it.

Moonshine: Nope. Uh, 2 d8s.

DM Murph: How much, 2 d8s? Go ahead and roll. 1 and... so 9.

Moonshine: 9 and then he gets pushed ten feet.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: And then I'm also gonna [spits] spore ‘im.

Hardwon: Spore his ass, dude.

DM Murph: You shock him, you spore him.

Moonshine: For 3 more. 12, Bitch! How big is this thing?

DM Murph: He's probably fifteen feet long. He's a big-ass fucking snake.

Moonshine: Oh shit.

Hardwon: How wide. Talk to me about the girth. That's what's important.

DM Murph: He's thick. He's thick as fuck.

Beverly: Too thick, honestly.

Moonshine: Veiny?

DM Murph: He's as thick as your neck, all around.

Hardwon: Oh shit. That's big.

DM Murph: That is going to be you, Bev.

Beverly: Okay. Do I know anything about this species of snake or any details in particular?

DM Murph: You can roll me a nature check.

Beverly: Alright, cool. [singing] Nature cheeeeck. That's a 1.

DM Murph: You don't know shit. You did not get your snake badge.

Beverly: "That lizard is missing it's legs!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: So I will say, you can kind of deduce- you guys have already figured out that you guys might sink if you go in this mud, so if you run in to slash this dude-

Beverly: But we froze it.

DM Murph: -you did not freeze it. It does not work if there's an animal in there.

Beverly: Oh, okay.

DM Murph: Yeah, so there was a creature in there.

Moonshine: But I pushed him ten feet, did that push him out of the water?

DM Murph: No, he's back in the- it's twenty feet long. You can prepare an action so that when he snaps at you guys that you'll swing at him then, you can do that.

Beverly: Gotcha. I think I'm going to- I'm going to throw a javelin. I'm going to launch a javelin from Hardwon's shoulders again.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Cool. Go ahead and throw it.

Beverly: Bleh. That's a 6. Plus 5, so... uh-

DM Murph: 11. You throw the javelin, it misses the snake, lands in the mud and you just see it sink. That shit's gone.

Beverly: "Noooo!" As a bonus action I'm going to cast Shield of Faith. So a shimmering field appears and surrounds a creature of your choice within range granting it a plus 2 bonus to AC for the duration. Hardwon that's going to be you.

Hardwon: What do I do?

DM Murph: You get plus 2 AC, so you're at 18 Armor Class for now.

Moonshine: Oooh, yeah!

Hardwon: Awesome. "Gracias, dude."

DM Murph: That is going to be the snake’s turn. He is going to snap forward at Beverly, who just threw the javelin at him...and he rolls a fucking 1. So he just like, fucking face plants as Beverly scoots out of the way.

Beverly: Does his little tongue flick my face?

DM Murph: [exasperated laughter] Sure, yes, absolutely. ...In fact, you just like it. He just gives you a nice little lick and you think he's being friendly.

Beverly: Gave me a lil’ snake kiss.

DM Murph: That takes us to Hardwon.

Hardwon: What happens since I rolled that 1? Do I-

DM Murph: You're last, so now you just go.

Hardwon: Oh, I see. 12 plus 4... what is-

DM Murph: 16 to hit. Oh, no, no, no. You got an 18 to hit. So yeah, you hit.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll your damage.

Beverly: Whoa!

Hardwon: That's a 12, bitch!

DM Murph: Big 12, baby! 12 plus 4, so 16 damage. Damn. You fucking slash at this dude and-

Hardwon: Can I do something with my two little axes?

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: Well, you could have made your attack with your throwing axes. They do less damage.

Hardwon: Fuck it, nevermind.

DM Murph: You can twirl them if you'd like to do something for show.

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah, that's what I want.

DM Murph: Okay, so you slash him with your big axe, he rears back and screeches and you just twirl your axes like they're drumsticks.

Beverly: I'm not going to be satisfied until we Sephiroth this snake.

DM Murph: Cool. That takes us back to Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay, I will now use my cantrip Chill Touch. And there's nothing chill about what's going to happen. I'm going to make a range spell attack, hope it hits. It's going to be 21.

DM Murph: That super hits.

Moonshine: And now he takes 1d8 necrotic damage. He's not undead, is he?

DM Murph: He's not undead, he's just a snake.

Moonshine: Alright, well. He takes 3 damage.

DM Murph: He takes a big 3 damage!

Moonshine: But may I just say a ghastly skeletal hand came up and grabbed him.

DM Murph: Oh he's spooked, he's super spooked.

Beverly: He did not like it.

Moonshine: Also, the hand clings to the target until the next turn. So, it's clinging to him.

Beverly: So a ghastly skeletal hand just kind of lightly slaps him?

DM Murph: Yup.

Moonshine: Just gives him a wet willy. An icy willy.

Beverly: [mimicking snake] "Stop."

DM Murph: That takes us to Bev.

Hardwon: Come on, Bev.

Beverly: Okay I feel like I'm just going to-

Moonshine: You're our only hope, Beverly.

Beverly: "Aah! Okay." I guess I'm just going to try and slash at the snake, I'm out of spells.

DM Murph: Cool. Slash him.

Beverly: Let me slash at that snake.

DM Murph: Take a swing.

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: Take a swing, baby!

Beverly: I'm aiming for his gully. 16... uh...

DM Murph: That's going to hit automatically.

Beverly: Nice!

DM Murph: Yeah. Roll your d8.

Beverly: d8. That's a 7 plus 5. So 12.

DM Murph: He screeches. He's pissed!

Beverly: "I did it!"

DM Murph: He sticks his tongue out at you.

Beverly: "Guys, I made the snake mad."

DM Murph: That is- Oh, boy, that's the snake. He's going to try to bite at- actually, he'll probably try to bite at Hardwon cause you're [Beverly] on his back, so he's not just going to try to go for Beverly.

Beverly: "Our plan is backfiring! Our tower of power is drawing unwanted attention!"

DM Murph: That's an 18 to hit, and I believe that's your Armor Class, so that is going to hit.

Beverly: Wait! Oh, yeah, shit. Even with the plus 2.

DM Murph: So he swings down and attempts to grab Hardwon.

Moonshine: Oooh yoi yoi.

Hardwon: "Good fucking luck."

DM Murph: And he does 7... 13 damage to Hardwon.

Hardwon: "Wow, that'll hurt."

DM Murph: And the target is grappled. You are restrained, he has wrapped himself around Hardwon.

Beverly: [nervously] Good, good, good. Well, not good for Hardwon, but-

DM Murph: Now it is Hardwon's turn. Hardwon, you cannot make an attack this round, you can just try to get out of being constricted by this giant snake.

Hardwon: Cool. Flexing every fucking muscle in my body.

DM Murph: [bursts into laughter] He rolled a 1!

Hardwon: Every time I fail, I say, "Watch this."

Beverly: I feel like, Hardwon. Murph can you roll to see if Hardwon shits himself?

Moonshine: Wait was that the right dice?

DM Murph: Yeah, he rolled a 1.

Moonshine: Oh, I was looking at the...

DM Murph: He yells, "Watch this," and then meekly goes, "Unh!" and you hear a little fart let out. That's you, Moonshine.

Hardwon: Just a lil’ toot.

Moonshine: Okay, I'm just going to make an attack, that's all I can do. [to Hardwon] What are you- what are your hit points at?

Hardwon: I'm at... 9. But I have that potion that I could...

Moonshine: Okay, I'm going to hold off. I'm saving a first level Cure Wounds for you, but I don't know if I'm going to use it quite yet.

Hardwon: Appreciate it. Save everything you have for me, I'm going to need it all.

Moonshine: I'm going to try to get rid of this [snake]. I'm going to try to decapitate it with my scimitar.

Beverly: Very good.

DM Murph: Sure, go ahead.

Moonshine: 14?

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: 6. And then 3 more spores.

DM Murph: Oh wow. He's pretty fucked up. The snake is upset. It's Bev's turn.

Moonshine: But I didn't decapitate him.

Beverly: Am I also constricted or am I kind of- I imagine I-

DM Murph: You're out, you were able to jump off Hardwon as the snake came in.

Beverly: So what I'm going to do, is I'm going to draw my sword and I'm going to run along the spine of the snake, kind of spiral up along the constriction.

Hardwon: Aladdin style.

Beverly: 100% Aladdin style. I guess I'm just going to try and stab the snake wherever I can get a stab in.

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll for Aladdin style.

Beverly: Alright, cool. I scream, "Oppa Aladdin style!" and nobody gets it or laughs.

DM Murph: Hardwon farts again.

Beverly: Oh, no.

DM Murph: What did you get?

Beverly: It's a 4. Um, what's my... shit. Uh- plus strength? So it's a 9.

DM Murph: You run up and just slip off. Hardwon just knows that Beverly could have saved him if he had just swung his goddamn sword, but he yelled “Oppa Aladdin style”, ran up, and slipped up after you just farted and shit yourself a little bit.

Beverly: I definitely fart as well, but not as much. I do a lighter fart.

Moonshine: Moonshine is just like, "Oh my gosh," trying to keep up with these fucking idiots.

Beverly: Do I fall into the quicksand?

DM Murph: No, no, no. You're okay. That was just for flavor.

Moonshine: He's beached.

DM Murph: This dude is going to fucking squeeze Hardwon again.

Hardwon: No!

DM Murph: Okay, he doesn't manage to- He's squeezing and you're fucking flexing your muscles so hard. So hard, you fight back. That is going to be Moonshine again.

Moonshine: Okay. Moonshine is going to attempt to decapitate him again.

DM Murph: Everyone's trying to decapitate him.

Hardwon: "Get a snake head, get a snake head."

Moonshine: I'm going to- I look in the snake’s eyes and say, "You know what we do with snakes down at the crick? We turn 'em into stew." And then she raises her scimitar! And...

DM Murph: She rolls a 3.

Beverly: A lot of 3's.

Hardwon: Damn.

DM Murph: You guys have missed so many times.

Moonshine: --And she loses her grip of her scimitar as she raises it over her head, and doesn't do anything. Oh, but then I do blow spores! I still blow spores. 3 more damage.

DM Murph: Okay, this dude is actually looking real fucked up. Hardwon, you get to try to get out. You can roll another strength check.

Hardwon: Alright. [weakly] "Watch... This..." 17!

DM Murph: 17. You burst out of the snake!

Hardwon: Boom, baby!

DM Murph: Hardwon escapes. That's Bev.

Beverly: Huh. I guess I will also try- you know what? I'm not going to try to decapitate it, I'm just going to try and get as close to the snake as I can and swipe. I do want to cut it in half.

DM Murph: Okay. You guys are getting fancy for-

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: It's all just for flavor it doesn't matter, it's just really funny to be like, "I'm going to cut it in half," while Hardwon's like... dead. Hardwon's just like, [sadly] "My arm is broken."

Beverly: I scream, "This is for the Green Teens!" ...it's a 6! Plus 5, so...

DM Murph: 11. Does that hit? That does not hit.

Moonshine: We need to stop making fancy declarations.

Beverly: Yeah, we keep aiming for the bleachers and it's not working for us.

DM Murph: The snake is going to try to bite Hardwon now that he got out. Oh god, he hits.

Hardwon: [gasps].

Beverly: How many HP does Hardwon have?

DM Murph: Hardwon you take 13 damage.

Hardwon: Does that mean I'm dead!?

DM Murph: You're knocked out.

Beverly: Oh, shit.

Hardwon: Wow.

DM Murph: Hardwon goes down, in the mud.

Moonshine: Oh, shit!

Beverly: Can we like, administer a potion to him?

DM Murph: On your turn, sure.

Moonshine: Yes, I can also heal him.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: I kind of want to-

Hardwon: Just kill the snake! Heal me afterwards!

Moonshine: I feel like this snake is close to death.

DM Murph: Okay, Moonshine.

Moonshine: I say once again, "Do you know what we do with snakes down at the crick. We chase 'em out of our buckets, that we go toilet in."

Beverly: "Moonshine, snakes don't have ears. He can't hear you!"

Moonshine: "But maybe he can read my lips." And then I hit him for...17!

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: Yes, bitch!

Hardwon: Just fucking kill him!

Moonshine: Then I go, 2 plus 2, 4. Then I blow spores, 3 more.

DM Murph: He's super, super hurt.

Moonshine: He's not dead yet!? Motherfucker!

DM Murph: He’s not dead yet, but he’s super hurt.

Beverly: Can you just constantly blow spores?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: She gets to every turn.

Beverly: That's great, aw man.

Moonshine: That's my reaction.

DM Murph: Back to- Beverly go ahead.

Beverly: Hardwon or Bev?

Hardwon: Hardwon's down.

DM Murph: Hardwon's down, dude. Although you will have to roll death saving throws to see if you recover.

Hardwon: Oh, shit.

Moonshine: I'm just like in this snake’s face, blowing spores while he is surrounding Hardwon.

Beverly: Moonshine's got the snake, I'm going to run over to Hardwon and cradle his enormous head in my hands and try to administer this potion to him.

DM Murph: Cool. 2 d4 plus 2 HP to our friend Hardwon.

Hardwon: Four!

DM Murph: Four! Great man, keep rolling.

Moonshine: Oh, she gave us really good potions.

DM Murph: 6 plus 2, 8? So you come back to life with 8 HP.

Hardwon: Alright. Maybe I'll do my health potion on myself now.

DM Murph: Uh, it is not your turn.

Hardwon: Of course.

DM Murph: It is the snake's turn.

Beverly: I say, "Can you stand?"

DM Murph: The snake just bites Hardwon.

Beverly: ...what?

Hardwon: "Why did you wake me up for this?"

DM Murph: Yeah, I mean-

Moonshine: Feels like he's got something for you.

DM Murph: He actually misses Hardwon.

Hardwon: Damn right.

DM Murph: Hardwon pops back up to life, instantly combat-rolls out of the way after yelling, "Watch this!" Now it is Hardwon's turn.

Beverly: Great.

Hardwon: Sweet. [under his breath] "I'm going to kill this piece of shit."

DM Murph: Dope, that's going to hit. 14. You do 12 damage.

Hardwon: Oh, okay.

DM Murph: Tell me how you kill this thing. Because it is dead.

Hardwon: Hell yeah!

Moonshine: [slowly, in awe] Oh my goodness.

Beverly: What a glory hog.

Hardwon: Hardwon, the slow stride comes back. Great axe over his head and I go straight between his eyes and I say, what was it…? Oppa snake style?

Moonshine: Oppa Aladdin style.

Hardwon: [with authority] "Oppa. Aladdin. Style."

Moonshine: Hardwon doesn't even know what it means, he just thinks it sounded cool.

Beverly: So what happens?

Hardwon: I just need to tattoo that.

Beverly: Do he split that snake?

DM Murph: Oh, he splits that snake right in half. Aladdin style, whatever the fuck that means.

Moonshine: Moonshine immediately goes over and starts skinning some of the scales off so she can make a cute bandana.

DM Murph: We're going to end the session with Oppa Aladdin style, everyone covered in muck and snake guts as Moonshine just starts digging into this giant snake.

Beverly: I would like to-

Hardwon: You should use this for your jambalaya. Don't you already have a Bullywug leg?

Moonshine: Oooh. Yeah, can I sniff it, would this make a good jambalaya?

Beverly: Little snake meat.

DM Murph: [laughing, exasperated] Oh my god. No! They're all swamp creatures! It would make terrible jambalaya!

Beverly: Well, if you add a little spice to it.

DM Murph: Roll to- Here. I'll roll to see if this could be good jambalaya. I'll tell you what, if it's higher than a 15 it will be delicious. [rolls] It's a 9.

Beverly: It's going to be... edible.

Hardwon: [laughing] The jambalaya is passable.

DM Murph: It's going to be okay.

Moonshine: Okay, we're making a jambalaya.

Beverly: Soup is on! I would like to take, maybe, one of the snake's teeth?

DM Murph: Sure. You can write it down. Snake tooth, snake fang.

Moonshine: Can I go through it's guts and see if it's pregnant?

Hardwon: Oh shit, we should go through it's guts and see if it ate any-

Beverly: Oh that's a good point. Are there any lumps in it?

DM Murph: You go through it's guts and it does not have any halfling children in it, no.

Beverly: Oh, thank god.

Moonshine: What about it's own children?

DM Murph: It did not eat it's own snakes, no.

Beverly: Was it a male or a female snake?

Moonshine: Oh right, a snake wouldn't be pregnant in the stomach.

Hardwon: Did it have a giant snake pussy?

DM Murph: It had a huge snake pussy.

Beverly: I just- I mark that down.

Moonshine: Is its clitoris forked like snake tongue?

DM Murph: [exasperated] Yes. Yes, yup. That's exactly what it is. It's a giant forked snake pussy. Go ahead and mark down snake pussy, you guys have a snake pussy.

Moonshine: I'm just saving the forked clit.

DM Murph: Yeah, great. That's disgusting.

Hardwon: Right into the jambalaya pot.

Beverly: I think by identifying the snake pussy, I do get my snake identification badge.

Moonshine: "Whoever gets the forked clitoris in their bowl has good luck for a year!"

Hardwon: "...Oh god I have it."

DM Murph: Okay guys. Please rate the podcast because this is gold, let's be honest. Give us that good rating, follow us on Twitter. @jakehurwitz, @caldy, @eaxford, and @chmurph. Anything else guys?

Beverly: Oh, if you want to send us shit for this, or 8 bit book club, you can do it at 1920 Hillhurst Ave. #222 Los Feliz CA, 90027.

DM Murph: Yeah, baby. Anybody else got anything else to plug? Listen to If I Were You, with Jake and Amir.

Moonshine: Netflix's The Fall.

DM Murph: Watch Netflix's The Fall, we all really like it. It's good.

Beverly: Yeah. The Crown is good too.

DM Murph: Watch Drawfee on YouTube, and buy me and Emily's book.

Moonshine: It's just as good as The Fall.

DM Murph: It's called ‘Hey, U Up? How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact,’ it's a satirical relationship advice book coming out February 13th, so please check that out. And we'll catch you guys next time. May the Baba Yaga not take you this night, and may Bahamut keep you.

Beverly: Farewell!

Hardwon: Peace.