Green Teens Gone

Hardwon (Jake), Moonshine (Emily), and Beverly (Caldwell) arrive in the small fishing village of Moonstone and meet Scoutmaster Denny -- a halfling coward with some terrible news. The crew answers the call of adventure, but gets tripped up by some pony-tailed barbarian bullies.

General Notes for readability:

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to.

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2). If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [intro] I welcome you to the realm of Bahumia. A few years ago, an evil necromancer attempted to conquer the realm in the name of Asmodeus, ruler of the nine hells, but he met his match against three legendary heroes: Thiala, the human cleric, Ulfgar, the dwarf fighter, and Alanis, the elf wizard. After a valiant campaign, the heroes amassed a great army and defeated the necromancer on the battlefield, then traveled to the nine hells and destroyed Asmodeus himself. The relm rejoiced… for a little while.

Then, everything started sucking ass again. The three heroes did everything you’re supposed to do in a D&D campaign; they convinced the isolationist high elves to join the war, they restored a rightful heir to his throne, and they toppled a dark kingdom. But those actions all have consequences. The high elves are now on the verge of extinction, the rightful king is a terrible politician, and the orcs, without a homeland, have split off into nomadic clans and caused more trouble than they did before.

This is a morally grey post-war world that still has its share of problems, many of them caused by the very heroes that ‘saved it.’ To make matters worse, Thiala, Ulfgar and Alanis have gone into hiding and haven’t been seen in over a year. Now, my players are going to try to clean up their mess.

Welcome to the Campaign after the campaign. This is Not Another D&D Podcast. Let’s meet our party.

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot. The Bastard of the Mountain. A human fighter raised by dwarves. Thick of calf and quad, six foot six of muscle and beard. The great axe of Irondeep, pride of the Dwarfanage. Having dug further into Irondeep than any man or dwarf before him, Hardwon believes his next great adventure lies above ground and has set off to see the world.

Beverly: Beverly Toegold, pure hearted halfling youth from the city of Galaderon. A FiveLeaf Green Teen novice paladin in pursuit of the ultimate merit patches. Beverly has never disobeyed his mom, and is an extremely good boy.

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, Crick elf druid, lover of fungus and ambassador of decay. Her people were ostracized by the High Elves to the dank shores of the Crick, but now something's amiss at the old Crick. Accompanied by her loyal opossum , Paw Paw Gump; she’s freckled, ferocious, and dangerously fertile.

DM Murph: Welcome to the first episode of the podcast, everyone. I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, [applause] joined by Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner, Emily Axford.

… Guys, we’re doing it.

Moonshine: Let’s get crackin’!

Hardwon: We’re going on an adventure.

Beverly: It’s actually happening!

DM Murph: Jake, your first D&D session ever, and it’s being recorded.

Hardwon: I’m so… [laughs] I’m so excited. I gotta tell you, I’m just like- this is not a podcast to me. I’m just here for the fucking journey, man.

Moonshine: I’m here for the rolls.

Hardwon: Yeah. Also, Jake Hurwitz is not on this podcast. It’s Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Oh, shit.

Moonshine: That’s true!

Beverly: Fully in character.

Hardwon: That’s right.

Moonshine: Emily Axford is dead. [laughter] She’s six feet under.

DM Murph: So, let me tell you guys a little bit about this place that you guys are going. Then you guys can tell the audience why your character is going to this village.

Beverly: Oooh.

DM Murph: You guys are going to this fishing village of Moonstone. The village of Moonstone was founded 50 years ago by an old halfling druid named Thistle. She was a hermit who placed a powerful magical trident at the bottom of the bay, which lured in all sorts of aquatic creatures from the sea and made for easy fishing.

Soon the bay started to attract other settlers and Moonstone grew from Thistle’s singular little hut to a bustling village. But just as it was growing and establishing trade with nearby settlements, an evil dragon named Shadowfang took residence in an old abandoned keep in the swamp to the north of the village and began terrorizing them. Shadowfang would send her henchmen, the lowly dragon worshiping kobolds to collect gifts and taxes from the villagers under the threat of violence.

That all changed two years ago when the legendary party of three heroes arrived in Moonstone, killed Shadowfang, freed the village from the grip of the dragon and inadvertently left them open to a whole new slew of problems.

Hardwon: Oh, fuck.

Moonshine: Can I ask a real quick question?

DM Murph: Please.

Moonshine: Where is Shadowfang’s bod now?

DM Murph: You don’t know.

Moonshine: Really.

DM Murph: I mean, you know that he’s dead.

Moonshine: I want to find his skeleton and animate it.

Beverly: Wait, he or she?

DM Murph: She. Sorry. Yeah, she.

Moonshine: Oooh, it’s a girl dragon?

DM Murph: It’s a lady dragon.

Moonshine: Yeah, bitch! Queen! Bow down!

Beverly: How do you tell… How do you tell a Lady dragon from a male dragon?

DM Murph: … [annoyed] She has a big pussy.

Moonshine: Huge tits.

Hardwon: Huge dragon pussy.

DM Murph: Instead of a huge dick… it’s a huge dragon pussy.

Moonshine: Yeah! Fire comes out of it also. That’s how you know when she’s ready. [laughter]

Hardwon: Yeah, a fire queef. [fart noise]

DM Murph: A male dragon has enormous, human-like testicles.

Beverly: Right, just swinging.

DM Murph: And a giant, thick penis.

Hardwon: That’s the part you don’t see in Lord of the Rings.

DM Murph: So, she didn’t have one of those.

Moonshine: They’re always sitting on gold, so you can’t see…

Hardwon: That’s right. They’re always fucking their gold.

DM Murph: Theses are the truths that Tolkien won’t tell you. That dragons have dicks and pussies.

[laughter]

Hardwon: I just really want to- you know those movies where you just see the shadow of the dragon flying?

Beverly: Yeah?

DM Murph: Oh god, just a dick waving in the air?

Moonshine: First… it slowly comes in, you see the flapping wings and then behind it, a flapping dick!

Hardwon: God, I would love to see just somebody recutting this. Having dicks on dragons would be really fun.

Beverly: I think on the journey to Moonstone, Beverly’s reading a book about dragons, ‘cause he’s probably interested in the lore of Shadowfang and he’s underlining that passage.

DM Murph: It’s funny, as I was prepping for this I was worried. I was like, ‘they’re going to ask stupid questions, like how do dragons breed or something and I’m going to need something.’ Then I was like, ‘you know what, no, it’s going to be safe’. But… no. Now dragons have dicks and pussies, okay? You fucking stumped me, so they have dicks.

Moonshine: Can I go back to Beverly highlighting his copy? Can we just assume you’re using some kind of berry to highlight?

Hardwon: Oh, that’s cool.

Moonshine: Like there’s some kind of berry that you’re squeezing to highlight?

Beverly: Absolutely.

Moonshine: Got a bushel of highlighter berries?

Beverly: No, it’s like a lightning bug.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Beverly: Yeah, I’ve got a quill with lightning bug ink.

DM Murph: So, guys. Why are- Moonshine, why are you going to Moonstone?

Moonshine: Okay. So as I have mentioned I come from the Crick. Something’s amiss at the Crick. But there’s another thing too-

Hardwon: [laughing] Something’s amiss at the Crick.

Moonshine: Something’s amiss at the Crick. But I also am basically- real quick background on the Crick elves. They are a maternal society. There is one Mee Maw who gives birth to all the youngins. And Moonshine has a lot pressure to become the next Mee Maw because she’s so fertile. But she doesn’t want- she’s not ready to make youngins, she wants to spread spores.

So… I am kind using the fact that there’s something amiss at the Crick as a reason to go out and adventure and not have to just be a ‘youngin maker’.

DM Murph: Right. And why is Beverly going to Moonstone?

Beverly: Um, Beverly is going to Moonstone to meet up with the rest of his troup because there is a Green Teen Jamboree! [laughter]

DM Murph: A Green Teen Jamboreen, weirdly, that’s what it’s called.

Beverly: A Green Teen Jamboreen!

DM Murph: That’s what the flyers say.

Moonshine: Oh my god, Moonshine is going to see that flyer and be like, “Oh, Jamboree?”

Beverly: “Oh boy! Jamboreen! Gotta buy the t-shirt!”

Moonshine: “Alright!”

DM Murph: I love that Hardwon and Moonshine are going there to like, satisfy their wonderlust and Caldwell’s character just has a boy scout meeting.

Moonshine: Yeah, he’s literally on a field trip.

Hardwon: It’s a big meet up!

DM Murph: Really, he’s the only one that actually has a reason to be there. Everyone else just- they’re walking around! [Then] they went to this town!

Beverly: I believe my parents were a little concerned about me going to Moonstone, because it’s gotten a little less safe over the years. But my scoutmaster who I’m meeting there helped convinced them that it would be fine cause there’s going to be a lot of adults present, there’s going to be a lot of chaperones. And at the Jamboreen I’m going to be working to earn a lot of the last patches I need for my SixLeaf.

DM Murph: They’re going to be really proud of you. So proud of you.

Moonshine: Quick question.

Beverly: Yes?

Moonshine: Um, are there girls that are going to be at the Jamboreen? Or is this like, an all boy dance?

DM Murph: There are girls in the Green Teens.

Beverly: Yeah. I think it’s.. Yeah.

Moonshine: Oh, there are?

DM Murph: They pushed for it and you know,-

Beverly: It’s a recent-

Hardwon: Bahumia’s the world I want to live in.

DM Murph: There were more homophobic, sexist halflings that didn’t want to let them in-

Beverly: Right.

DM Murph: -but they kind of got ousted.

Beverly: I mean yeah, Green Teens is still a super religious organization.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: But they are gender neutral.

DM Murph: Their Cub Scouts are still called the Boypals even though there are Girlpals in there.

Moonshine: Galpals, galpals.

DM Murph: So, Hardwon, why are you in Moonstone?

Hardwon: Hardwon left the mountain thinking he was going to walk into any town and be well received like with a parade and uh... instantly found out that nobody knew who he was and all the hotels were full. [laughter]

DM Murph: Sort of a jacked Jesus if you will.

Hardwon: Yeah. He went in assuming he’d have a free room somewhere and they were like ‘uh, you need a reservation, we’re full, you don’t have enough money-’

Beverly: So many factors.

Hardwon: So he didn’t know what to do and now he’s wandered off the road. He’s thinking he might try to look for a fishing job in this village.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Try to earn a little dough.

Beverly: Wow, earn a little scratch.

Moonshine: Has he ever fished before?

Hardwon: No. But Hardwon is ‘I can do anything.’

Beverly: I think for you fishing probably means like diving under the water and just grabbing a fish.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: I mean, that’s definitely what it means for Moonshine. For Moonshine you make a little trap in the mud- [laughter]

Hardwon: Oh, these are mud fish?

Moonshine: -and then the fish swim in-

DM Murph: Wait, fishing? In the mud.

Moonshine: Yeah. So-

DM Murph: Oh, like in the bottom-

Moonshine: Yeah, in the bottom of the Crick, there’s a lot of mud and you make a little trap, fish swims into it.

DM Murph: Sorry, I forgot they were fishing in the Crick.

Beverly: What you do, is you get a milk jug, you tie a fishing line to it-

Hardwon: Well, maybe there aren’t a lot of fish in the Crick anymore. Something's amiss at the Crick.

Moonshine: That is true. There are not nearly as many fishes as there should be.

DM Murph: [mimicking Moonshine] “Somethin’ ain’t right in these here woods.”

Moonshine: And the fish that are there? They’re swimming the wrong way. [laughter]

Hardwon: Oh.

Beverly: I’m picturing that scene from Lord of the Rings where Legolas says ‘Blood has been spilt this night’ but he just goes… ‘Somethin’ ain’t right.’

DM Murph: “Somethin’ ain’t right at the Crick.”

Alright guys, let’s get into it. So-

Moonshine: And the skeeters, the skeeters have taken over the Crick.

Beverly: Aww, they’re biggun’s too.

DM Murph: [loudly, to get everyone’s attention] Exterior. Moonstone. Night.

[Everyone stops joking and goes very quiet.]

DM: … I’m just kidding, I didn’t actually write that.

Moonshine: I was ready! I shut the fuck up.

Hardwon: I’ve never heard her go that quiet that fast.

Moonshine: Yes, Daddy?

DM Murph: Emily shut the fuck up and perked up!

Moonshine: Yes, Daddy Storyteller??

DM Murph: Okay. So,

A man in a hooded cloak makes his way into Moonstone after traveling many miles of the main roads to the east. He had no trouble finding it even at night. The glowing waters of the enchanted bay light up the entire village with a white blue glow like snow reflecting moonlight.

A dirt path leads him past simple stone houses with thatched roofs, many of them covered in moss with purple and yellow and white flowers. It smells fresh, like a spring rain, which is not something one might expect of a fishing village, but clearly the influence of the druids is strong here.

He heads for the only building in the city that appears to have any life at this hour. The Hungry Trout Inn and Tavern. He enters to the sounds of an old bard playing a jaunty tune on the fiddle. Caldwell, can you give me a little fiddle sound?

Beverly: [Makes bad fiddle noises]

DM Murph: There’s a fireplace on the far-

Beverly: [Continues the terrible noise]

DM Murph: Alright, Caldwell, cut!

Hardwon: [through laughter] More fiddle, Caldwell! And Emily, a washboard!

Moonshine: Oh! That should be my instrument!

DM Murph: You can have a washboard. Write that down in your inventory.

Moonshine: I was going to play- cause as an outlander I get a musical instrument, I was going to play a blade of grass but- Murph can I have a washboard and a blade of grass?

DM Murph: You can have a washboard and a blade of grass, sure.

Beverly: Where are you going to find a blade of grass?

DM Murph: So this cloaked man enters the tavern to the sound of an old bard playing a jaunty tune on the fiddle.

Beverly: [More bad fiddle sounds]

Hardwon: No!

DM Murph: [trying to speak through everyone laughing] I should have never asked for this!

Okay, so there’s a fireplace on the far right side of the room and lanterns with candles fill the room with a warm glow. Closest to him is a group of three fishermen drinking ale and sharing a quiet conversation.

Across the room near the fire is a group of four barbarians, drunk and rowdy. Sitting at the bar is a single, young, twenty something halfling boy sitting by himself, nervously sipping his drink.

The bartender is an older half orc woman, sturdy and serious. She bears a horrible burn scar across the entire left side of her body. The man, the traveler, the bastard of the mountain, takes off his hood and removes his goggles of the night.

Beverly: Wait…

DM Murph: The strong jawed pensive face of Hardwon Surefoot surveys the scene.

Beverly: I don’t like this, it makes it seem like he’s the main character.

Hardwon: That’s fine. Quiet fiddle player!

DM Murph: What do you do?

Hardwon: I guess I’m- I’m standing there, drinking in the beautiful sounds of the fiddle.

Moonshine: Homeless, by the way.

DM Murph: Jake’s first move playing D&D is drinking in the sounds of a fiddle!

Moonshine: Uh, I think you’re going to be pretty good at this.

Hardwon: I let the fiddle wash over me.

DM Murph: Hardwon just standing at the doorway, just kind of tapping his toes to the fiddle.

Hardwon: He’s never heard music before.

Moonshine: Someone standing behind you being like, “Sorry can I just… you’re standing in the doorway.”

Hardwon: [as hypothetical person] “God your shoulders are so broad.”

Moonshine:“You’re just a huge man standing in the doorway.”

Beverly: “If you could please just step aside.”

Hardwon: I’m going to go over to this half orc woman and order, uh, the biggest beer that they have.

DM Murph: As you walk in, you order the biggest beer they have. This old half orc woman just looks at you with disdain and goes, [gravely] “We have one size. I’ll just go get you an ale.”

Hardwon: “Then I’ll have two!”

DM Murph: She nods and you see her go back. She fills up two ales and puts it down, you throw her a few copper. You see the little halfling guy sitting next to you sees that you get two ales and he turns to you and he says, [nervously] “Oh hey man, oh, what brings you to town? You seem- you seem, you seem right strong?-”

Hardwon: Is this Beverly?

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: It’s not Beverly?

DM Murph: You don’t know who Beverly is!

Hardwon: Of course. “Um, look, hey. I’m lookin’ for work around these parts. You know where I could get... uh, get a fishing boat?”

DM Murph: “Well, I’m actually a scoutmaster. I’m actually not from, I’m not a fisherman here?” You see he’s like, really fucking nervous. He’s really super nervous. And he goes, “Are you like… by any chance are you like any kind of hero?”

Hardwon: “Yes. You have heard of me, haven’t you? Finally. I’m Hardwon Surefoot. Pride of the Dwarfanage. The bastard of the mountain.”

DM Murph: “And which, uh which mountain would that be sir?”

Hardwon: … “Forget it.”

DM Murph: “Okay. Well um, uh, see, so I’m like a… ahh…”

Hardwon: [mocking] “A… uh…?”

DM Murph: “I’m like the head of a, well not the head of- I guess I’m not like the chapter leader or anything- I’m just a scoutmaster okay? So I’m the scoutmaster, I’m part of this group called the Green Teens, right? So I’m responsible for some of the younger guys and stuff? Some of the like fourteen and fifteen year old halflings or something? I teach them how to like- we build fires, and I give them patches and stuff like that…”

Hardwon: “I see, yeah.”

DM Murph: “So anyway, we came to town and there were supposed to be some like, druids here that were supposed to show us the bay? And they were supposed to show us the, uh-the staff that’s at the bottom. It’s like magic that makes the fish come? But then the druids said that they were busy, so I said ‘okay, well I’ll just take the kids out by myself’. So I took the kids out and um, some- some frog? Men? Came out and uh, they took the kids. The Green Teens are gone.”

Hardwon: “I did notice that you didn’t have kids as you were telling me this story about how you were in charge of the kids.”

DM Murph: “Yeah.”

Hardwon: “There aren’t any here.”

DM Murph: “There’s.. There’s…”

Hardwon: “There’s no kids.”

DM Murph: “There’s no kids. So um, I actually already uh, paid- so my parents have a decent amount of money, so they gave me some money. I gave those gentlemen over there 20 gold.” You see he points to the barbarians. These big, fucking, hulking, rowdy dudes who are bald and have ponytails popping out.

Beverly: Oh, that’s a good look.

DM Murph: You see there’s four there. One of them is sort of bigger than the other ones. You see him let out this hardy laugh and he’s missing a bunch of teeth. He’s this fucked up dude.

You see this scoutmaster guy, he says, “ I offered them 20 gold and, and they said they were going to go to the swamp and uh, uh- and get the teens back from the… from the frogmen, but uh, but they’re just... They’re just sitting there. And anytime I ask them if they’re going to go they, they just yell at me and say that they’re getting ready and that they- they need to get hydrated.”

Hardwon: “I see.”

DM Murph: “So I need… I need someone serious for this job.”

Hardwon: “Yeah. So they’re using your gold to buy their beer right now.”

DM Murph: “Correct, correct, that’s very much correct. My name’s Denny by the way.” And he holds out to shake.

Hardwon: “Hardwon. Surefoot… God your hands are clammy.”

DM Murph: “Yeah, yes. I’m just a little bit nervous.”

As you’re shaking this dude’s hand and drinking your two beers like a fucking weirdo.

Hardwon: “I should have got one at a time, this one’s already warm.”

DM Murph: Suddenly, you hear hooves outside as a little carriage pulls up. You hear a teen voice saying goodbye to the person in the carriage and Beverly Toegold, this small halfling boy also wearing a Green Teen uniform with braces enters the tavern.

[to Beverly] You can see your scoutmaster guy up at the bar, you see these barbarians and you see these fishermen and you see the bard.

Beverly: Right. And I’ve met this scoutmaster before?

DM Murph: Yes, you’ve met scoutmaster Denny.

Beverly: I probably just run right over to him.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I just beeline. I kind of put blinders on and don’t look at anything else, I don’t make eye contact with anyone and I just beeline right to my scoutmaster.

DM Murph: So Beverly makes a beeline for scoutmaster Denny and Hardwon.

Hardwon you’ve already marched in, made yourself known and you’re already just surrounded by fucking dorks. You see that scoutmaster Denny sees you right away and he looks super nervous and ashamed.

Beverly: “DENNY!”

DM Murph: “Oh, oh, oh, hey little guy, uh…”

Beverly: “It’s me, it’s Beverly.”

DM Murph: “Beverly, it’s so good to see you again…”

Beverly: “Remember? You taught me ropes.”

DM Murph: “Yes. Uh, so. Um… Okay, uh… Green Teens is canceled.”

Beverly: “What? Wait, no. What do you mean?”

DM Murph: “It’s just.. It’s just.. It’s, it’s canceled.”

Hardwon: “He lost all the kids.”

DM Murph: “Oh my god.”

Beverly: [laughs] “Oooh, this is- he also taught me my humor badge. This is clearly one of his classics-”

DM Murph: “Just a Green Teen goof!”

Beverly: “Yeah, we do these little goofs around campfires and this is one of them. I’m sure of it.”

Hardwon: “Uh, I don’t think so, I mean, he told me.”

Beverly: “I don’t know, but like look at his face! His face is so… he’s twisted his face into a mask of humor.”

DM Murph: You see he’s just furiously shaking his head at Hardwon. Like, ‘please don’t sell me out.’

Beverly: I feel like Beverly sits on the other side [of the bar], away from Hardwon but adjacent to Denny.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Then he, still not believing that this is actually true, tries to get the attention of the half orc bartender.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

DM Murph: “Uh, what? Yeah, what?”

Beverly: “Do you have sprite?”

DM Murph: “No. We don’t have sprite.”

Beverly: “Okay... Just anything fizzy would be great. Non-alcoholic, please.”

DM Murph: She just like pours you a-

Hardwon: A beer.

DM Murph: She pours you a cup of water and then just like, sticks her finger in and moves it around and blows some bubbles in and hands it to you.

Beverly: “Savory. Thank you!” I tip her very well.

DM Murph: Excellent. You throw her some copper and a couple extra silver.

Suddenly, a opossum bursts into the tavern and jumps up on the table with all the fishermen and starts like, grabbing at their scraps and everything.

Moonshine: “Paw Paw! Paw Paw! Paw Paw, git!”

DM Murph: And a beautiful elven woman covered in fungus, wearing- [to Moonshine] Are you wearing overalls?

Moonshine: Overalls, yeah. And there’s mushrooms pouring out of the bib of my overalls.

DM Murph: She rushes in after the opossum , grabbing him.

Moonshine: “Paw Paw! I’m so sorry he must have smelled your food! Paw Paw git! Git, you’re gonna get kicked!”

DM Murph: You see Paw Paw climbs back onto this Crick elf’s shoulder.

Moonshine: “I am so sorry, if I can just-” [to Daddy Murphy] What table did he go on?

DM Murph: The fishermen. The three fishermen sitting there.

Moonshine: [to the fishermen] “I’m so sorry, y’all. Just- you know what, give me whatever you caught today, I’ll go back in the kitchen, I’ll whip you up some delicious, you know, some delicious fish. I’m a great cook. All I need’s a little-”

DM Murph: One of the guys just looks at you and says, “Eh, I’m sorry, do you work here? You’re just going to go in the kitchen and cook something?”

Moonshine: “You know, I’ve found that it’s just easy to make friends! If you’re just a sweetheart, you can just walk back anywhere.”

DM Murph: You hear the half orc woman back from behind the bar yells, “If you’re going to bring a rodent in here, you can at least buy a drink!”

Moonshine: “Oh, okay! Yeah I’ll definitely have a drink.” I go over and I’m like, “Yeah! Give me like a hooch or like, a bathtub mead, or if you got some berries that’ve gone bad I can just suck on those…”

DM Murph: She just pours you an ale and just hands it to you.

Moonshine: “Oh, okay.”

Beverly: I turn to Denny and say, [whispers]“Is that our guide?”

DM Murph: “Um, no. I’m your guide.”

Beverly: “No, for the tour, with the druids.”

DM Murph: “No, no that’s canceled. That is fully cancelled.”

Beverly: “Okay, this joke is going on a long time. Can you like, can you like wrap it up? What’s the punchline of the joke, scoutmaster Denny?”

DM Murph: “You know what, this is a learning experience. That’s what this is. Because as halflings of the light, as campers of the light we need to be honest. We should always be honest. And so I will tell you, young Beverly, that I... lost the Green Teens. They were captured by frog men and dragged into the swamp.”

Hardwon: “I told you.”

Beverly: … “Oh my god.”

Moonshine: [to the Bartender] “Um, sorry, excuse me, miss half orc, what’s your name?”

DM Murph: “My name is Mishka.”

Moonshine: “Mishka, that’s a beautiful name, god bless your mother. Uh, do you have a saucer of Crick water for my opossum ?”

Beverly: [to Moonshine] “I have some water in my canteen.”

Moonshine: “Oh, hi!”

Beverly: “Hi!”

Moonshine: … “That’d be great. Because Paw Paw, he is parched.”

Beverly: … “Okay.”

DM Murph: Hardwon you are just surrounded by fucking rejects right now.

Moonshine: “Poor parched papaw.”

Hardwon: This is not what I expected from my epic journey.

Beverly: I do give her some water from my canteen. I hand her my canteen.

Moonshine: “Thank you, okay.”

DM Murph: Paw Paw starts furiously lapping it up, getting a mess everywhere. Hardwon you are just covered in water.

Moonshine: I hold the canteen under my armpit so it looks like he’s suckling from my breast.

Beverly: “Huh. You know what? You can just keep that canteen actually. Thank you.

[to Denny] So wait, anyway. You’re serious? You’re speaking in the light of truth about this matter, Denny?”

DM Murph: “I’m dead seriously speaking in the light of truth. The, uh, the Green Teens are gone.”

Beverly: “They’re all- they’re gone? Well, what are we gonna do?”

Hardwon: “That’s not all. He was also robbed.”

DM Murph: “Yes.”

Hardwon: “Tell the whole truth. Right? Okay.”

DM Murph: “Um, okay. So uh, these fine gentlemen behind us…”

Then you hear the bigger dude yells out, “Ey, get us another round!”

Denny turns round, “Well surely the twenty gold I paid you before will be plenty for another-”

“I said we wanted another round!”

“Yes, Sir!” He orders another round from Mishka. Like a waiter he picks them all up and carries them over and puts them down. Then he comes back and he turns to beverly-

Hardwon: “God, that’s your leader?”

DM Murph: [Denny to Beverly] “Yeah, so I was robbed.”

Beverly: “Scoutmaster, those men are taking advantage of you, we can’t let that happen, that’s unjust!”

DM Murph: “Um, okay. Here’s the thing, though. Is that there’s a lot of them in town, and uh, they also chased out the mayor and they’re living in the mayor’s house. So things are really freakin’ bad here man.”

Beverly: “Okay…”

DM Murph: “Nobody told me this when I got here. I just wanted to show some Green Teens the freakin’ trident at the bottom of the bay.”

Beverly: “Does this mean that the Jamboreen is canceled too?”

DM Murph: “The Jamboreen is super canceled, Beverly. I can’t express properly how much the jamboreen is cancelled.”

Beverly: “Oh, Jeez.”

Moonshine: [to Beverly] “Jamboreen? I love a good Jamboreen!”

Beverly: “Yeah, who doesn’t?”

Moonshine: “That’s when everyone takes their shoes off and rolls around in the mud.”

Hardwon: “No one is focused on the missing children.”

DM Murph: [Denny speaking] “Right, yes. Okay. So there are missing children-”

Moonshine: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on.”

DM Murph: “So, Beverly. Um, you want to be a Six Leaf Green Teen right?”

Beverly: “More than anything!”

DM Murph: “Okay, if you go get the Green Teens back. This is your test, this is your test! If you do it, you’re a… a Junior Green night!

Beverly: [with reverence] “I knew this moment would come. You know, this is why they keep the Six Leaf trials under such tight scrutiny. So that you can’t guess what you’re going to have to do as your final test.”

DM Murph: “Yup! All part of the plan!”

Beverly: “Oh my gosh.”

Hardwon: “Oh, god.”

Beverly: “Okay, so all I have to do is get the gold back from those ruffians over there-”

DM Murph: “No! Don’t talk to them. Don’t get the gold back from them, that’s just a loss. Let’s just chauck that one up to a loss.”

Beverly: “Alright, okay.”

Hardwon: [mocking Denny] That gold is gone!

DM Murph: “That gold is gone, man!”

Beverly: “That’s your gold by right! They stole that from you.”

DM Murph: “Oh yeah. That’s gold. There’s like kids. The kids are dea- the kids are going to get- I don’t know if you know anything about bullywugs, the frogmen, but they’re going to ritualistically sacrifice them.”

Moonshine: [to Mishka] “Oh, I’m so sorry, Paw Paw drank too quickly and he spit up on the floor. Do you have a rag behind the bar-”

Beverly: “Oh boy…”

Hardwon: “He spit up all over my foot.”

Beverly: “Scoutmaster, you yourself taught me, ‘careful where you stomp, bullywugs hide in the swamp’, so that’s probably where we should start.”

DM Murph: “Yup, yeah. You guys should-”

Moonshine: “Oh, bullywugs! We got them down by the Crick.”

Beverly: “You know about bullywugs?”

Moonshine: “Course!”

Beverly: “I do too, I have a bullywug identification patch.”

Moonshine: “Oh, okay-”

DM Murph: Beverly once picked a bullywug out of a lineup and got a patch.

Beverly: Well I dissected it, I dissected it.

DM Murph: Oh, okay.

Moonshine: “I used to wrestle with them, down at the Crick. It’s a fun little thing, you just wrestle a bullywug.”

Beverly: “They’re very aggressive, you must be strong.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, yeah I’m pretty strong.”

Beverly: “Wow.”

DM Murph: “Well, if you’re strong, maybe- Beverly can you turn around for a split second?”

Beverly: “Sure.”

DM Murph: “Okay, great”

Beverly turns around, standing there.

Beverly: I sing a camp song.

DM Murph: [as Denny] “Beverly ear muffs, sing to yourself. Sing along with the fiddle.”

Beverly: [singing] “A Green Teen never holds a grudge. A Green Teen will never budge from-”

DM Murph: [whispering to Hardwon and Moonshine] “So you guys gotta make sure this kid doesn’t die, but he’s actually pretty strong okay? He’s gonna be a good Green Knight. He’s gonna be pretty helpful to you guys. But uh, you guys, I can offer you guys some gold. You guys keep an eye on this guy and get the other Green Teens back and I’ll give you guys 20 gold each?”

Moonshine: “What if... instead of gold you just gave me some sort of- I don’t know, I personally have a sort of mushroom library- spore library, collecting as many strains as I can, if you could just pay me in mushrooms?”

DM Murph: “Yeah, uh... I have like, gift bags for the boy scouts. I could just give you some mushrooms.”

Moonshine: “Ooh!”

Hardwon: “I’ll take the gold.”

DM Murph: “Okay, yeah. I’ll just give you 40 gold then.”

Moonshine: I’m just going to write down Green Teen gift bag.

DM Murph: Yeah…

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: “Here ya go. I was supposed to give this to the kids at the end of the night, but it looks like I won’t be needing them...”

Moonshine: “Are kids like youngins?”

DM Murph: “Um…”

Beverly: [still singing] “If you see a dragon, you take a wide berth, we do all we can for mother earth!” [talking to the group] “Hi!”

DM Murph: “Okay, um…”

Beverly: “Is everything good now?”

DM Murph: “Everything’s great.”

Beverly: “Cool.”

DM Murph: “These fine Green Teen uh- the Green Teen team! These are your real counselors.”

Beverly: “Oh, so these are like honorary scoutmasters?”

DM Murph: “Honorary scoutmasters, yup. I deemed them myself. Here you go!” And you see he rips off two patches- this dude is so scared and in over his head - he rips off two patches and shoves them on your guys’ chests.

Moonshine: I hawk up a loogy and use it to stick the patch to my overalls.

DM Murph: Ew, it weirdly sticks.

Hardwon: [to Moonshine] “Your opossum is shitting under the bar.”

Moonshine: “Paw Paw, what did i tell you about going bucking in public!”

DM Murph: [opossum noises] The opossum is going nuts. You see Mishka the half orc just fucking sweeps him away and he gets knocked on the ground. He starts scrambling on the ground.

Moonshine: “Paw Paw I’m gonna put you on your leash!”

Hardwon: “That’s a wild animal.”

DM Murph: And Mishka just turns to you and says, “Please leave.”

Moonshine: … “Okay.”

DM Murph: “Please leave with your rodent.”

Moonshine: “That’s a fair request, we have some bullywugs to go wrestle anyway.”

Beverly: Um, before we leave I take a notepad out of my satchel, or out of my pack and I write, ‘you are very rude’ and I go and I place it on the table of the barbarians.

DM Murph: As you go to place it on the table of the barbarians, they’re in the middle of this rowdy laugh. The guy picks up the note and he grabs you, he laughs again and he goes, “I like you, you’re funny.”

Beverly: “I do have my humor patch, yes.”

DM Murph: [as the barbarian Leader] “I tell you what, you go get us another round of ale and I won’t kill you.”

Beverly: “Okay well, I don’t have- I’m not of age so I don’t think I can technically do that. Would you like some Sprite?”

Moonshine: I take out a flask and I say, “Y’all ever had bathtub mead?”

Beverly: “Would that be good? My scoutmaster has some bathtub mead if you want that.”

DM Murph: “Listen kid, I’m gonna fucking kill you if you don’t go get me an ale right now.”

Beverly: “Okay. Could an adult please get them some ale?”

Hardwon: “Here, uh take-”

DM Murph: Beverly turns to hardwon.

Hardwon: … “Christ.”

Moonshine: “Hear me out Mr. Barbarian, if you’ve never had bathtub mead. What we do is we take a bit of racoon urine. We ferment it under the moonlight for about three months and it will get you fucked. up.”

Beverly: “Please don’t curse.”

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me a diplomacy check.

Beverly: Oh man, first roll!

Moonshine: 9 plus... What do I add to diplomacy, charisma?

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: I got 11.

Beverly: Mixed success.

DM Murph: [as barbarian] … “It’ll get you fucked up?”

Beverly: “There’s no need to curse.”

Moonshine: “Oh, you’ll be seein’ your ancestors.”

DM Murph: “Alright, tell you what. [to Moonshine] You give me that fucked up water. [to Hardwon] You go get me some ale and then I won’t kill this little one.”

Beverly: “Okay.”

Moonshine: “Hm. I don’t feel like this is very hospitable. Is this your town? We’re coming into your town and you’re showing us a real mean cheek.”

Beverly: I feel like while she’s doing that I do go over to Hardwon and give him some coin to buy the ale.

Hardwon: “I’m not buying these guys... [dry laughter] fucking beer, man.”

DM Murph: Beverly and hardwon are having a quiet moment and you [everyone] see scoutmaster Denny turns around from the bar and he’s just like, “what are you guys doin’? Uh….”

Beverly: [to Hardwon] “Do you think we should get them wine instead?”

DM Murph: [as Denny] “No, okay!”

Moonshine: And I’m teaching the barbarians that you don’t actually drink the bathtub mead, you huff it like a paint. I’m showing them how to huff it.

DM Murph: You see like a couple of them are actually pretty interested and are like, huffing it.

But you see scoutmaster Denny runs over with some more ales and is just like, “No need uh, to go up to the little guy gentleman, uh, everybody’s drinkin’ on me tonight!”

This big barbarian dude goes, “No, I want him to do it.” And he points to Hardwon.

Hardwon: Hardwon, holding two beers, comes over and... pours them both at this guys feet.

DM Murph: Oh my god! You pour it on this dudes feet. You see the other three guys that are with this main dude look like, ‘oh shit’. Something’s about to go down.

Beverly: I pull a small towel out of my backpack and hand it to him. “For your boots!”

DM Murph: This dude fucking backhands Beverly. Everybody roll initiative!

Hardwon: The opossum starts freaking out.

Beverly: “Sir, I have no choice but to defend myself now.”

Moonshine: Hell yeah, bitch! I got a 22.

Beverly: What do we add to-

DM Murph: Your Dex.

Beverly: So 0 for me, 11. Jake got a 16.

DM Murph: Oh man, these guys rolled really well.

Hardwon: Wait, 16 and I add Dex?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: 20.

DM Murph: Oh, wow, Hardwon.

Moonshine: I got a 22!

DM Murph: Wow, you guys rolled well.

Beverly: Well, they did.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hard: Everybody did.

Beverly: Two out of three.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you’re first. You see this dude backhands Beverly.

Beverly: Is that, do I-

Moonshine: By the way, are they affected at all because they’ve been huffing my-

Beverly: That’s a good question.

DM Murph: [delighted by this idea] Uh, yeah. Two of them are a little stoned.

Moonshine: Okay, good.

DM Murph: Not the main guy, but two of them. There’s one pretty serious guy who, like, clearly looks up to the leader guy, and there are two guys who are just looking to get fucked up at the bar.

Moonshine: I’m going to go for the main guy.

DM Murph: Okay. Cool, great.

Moonshine: I’m going to take out my scimitar- actually, no. No, no no. I’m going to do symbiotic entity.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: … What?

Moonshine: Which means I channel the power of spores and mushrooms and become one with my spores.

DM Murph: For anyone who plays D&D at home, listening to this insane thing that Emily is saying, this is a Circle of Spores Druid, it’s an Unearthed Arcana thing that was just introduced. So you’re turning into a mushroom woman right now, essentially.

Moonshine: I’m basically turning into Poison Ivy.

Beverly: You’re starting with your limit break, I love it.

Moonshine: Does that takes a wildshape action, does that take an entire turn?

DM Murph: Yes, that takes an action.

Moonshine: Okay, so I just kind of stand in the corner and like, rub mushrooms on myself.

Hardwon: Hardwon is very confused.

Beverly: I have to imagine the barbarians that were huffing that sauce are also very confused.

DM Murph: The barbarians that were huffing the sauce look at this woman who is sprouting mushrooms and they are tripping balls.

Hardwon: [mimicking stoned barbarians] “What was in that… that… that…”

Beverly: [also mimicking] “Must... be the racoon piss...

DM Murph: So that’s you, Hardwon. Although wait, [to Moonshine] do you get to on your turn, do your shooting spores thing?

Moonshine: Oh yeah, I can! Cause that’s a reaction! So that won’t take a whole action.

DM Murph: So you get to launch your spores if you want.

Moonshine: Okay. Then because I’m in symbiotic entity mode, that would mean they deal double damage.

DM Murph: Great, so go ahead and roll your damage.

Moonshine: I think Halo is just 3-

DM Murph: Use your reaction on your turn to deal 3 poison damage to one creature you can see within ten feet of you.

Moonshine:Yeah, so it would be 6 damage. So 6 poison damage at the main dude.

DM Murph: 6 poison damage.

Moonshine: I rub mushrooms on myself. From my hand a mushroom is born and I blow it at him like I’m blowing a kiss.

DM Murph: This crazy fucking mushroom woman blows spores in this dude’s eyes. He just goes “AAAAAAH” He’s so fucking pissed off. Hardwon, your up.

Hardwon: I’m punching this serious dude right in the nose.

DM Murph: Wait, you’re not going axe? You’re going fists?

Hardwon: Oh shit, it’s coming to death blows now? Already?

DM Murph: These guys are definitely going to try to kill you. They’re going for their swords.

Hardwon: Alright, fucking greataxe from behind the head. Hardwon wields it one handed.

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll your d20 and see if you hit.

Hardwon: 12 plus 4. 16?

DM Murph: That hits. Go ahead and roll your damage. It’s a d12 plus whatever your modifier is.

Moonshine: Oh yeah, because barbarians usually have pretty low Armor [Class], right?

Beverly: You got to roll damage now.

Hardwon: How do I do that?

Moonshine:A d12, yeah that one.

Beverly: A D-twilly.

Hardwon: A 10. Plus..?

DM Murph: Plus 4. So 14. Fucking, this dude gets blinded by spores and then Hardwon just slashes him across the chest with his axe and he just lets out this roar. He’s so fucking angry. What was it, 14 damage?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: This dude is still standing, he’s a pretty tough dude.

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: So now it’s…

Beverly: So it’s four total barbarians?

DM Murph: Four total, yes. One real tough looking dude, and then three guys that are a little bit scrawnier. Two of them are super stoned, so I’ll give them disadvantage when they attack. Okay, so this main guy is going to go ahead and rear up with his great axe and he’s going to take a reckless attack, so he makes it with advantage, at Hardwon. He swings his axe right back at Hardwon.

Moonshine: Whoa.

DM Murph: And he… is definitely going to hit.

Hardwon: Oh, no.

DM Murph: He hits Hardwon- he slashes Hardwon across his mighty shoulder for 12 damage. Go ahead and mark down that damage.

Beverly: Wait does he not have to roll AC?

DM Murph: He did. He beat it.

Beverly: Oh, I missed it. My bad. Edit that.

DM Murph: So now-

Hardwon: So that’s minus from my-

DM Murph: Minus from your maximum hit points. What are your maximum hit points?

Hardwon: 22.

DM Murph: So now you’re at 10. Okay. Now these warrior guys are going to go. The sober guy is going to take a swing at Moonshine.

Moonshine: Bring it on, Bitch. I’m a symbiotic entity. I’ve got plus 3 to my hit points.

DM Murph: And he misses big time. He whiffs with - he has a spear on him. He swings with his spear and misses.

Moonshine: Oh my god. I use my- the mushrooms come to my aid.

DM Murph: Yeah, it just get caughts by a mushroom like it’s a fucking hand.

Beverly: It’s like one of those big flat ones you see on trees.

DM Murph: So these other two tribal guys who are a little stoned are also going to swing at this fucking mushroom monster they see. This guy whiffs big time and the other guy is going to hit. Even though he’s stoned he’s just screaming and swinging at anything. He’s going to go ahead and hit moonshine for 8 damage.

Moonshine: “Terrible hospitality, not how I would treat people coming to my town.”

Hardwon: Not very polite at all.

DM Murph: Now it is… Beverley’s turn.

Beverly: Alright. I think Beverly probably flew all the way back and landed behind the bar. He’s kind of gathering himself amidst bottles and barrels. He picks up a bottle and says, “Hey, you did have sprite! … That’s okay though.”

I think now Beverly now turns to Denny, “Scoutmaster, Sir. Permission to defend myself?”

DM Murph: “Yup! Kill them, please kill them!”

Beverly: “Thank you, Sir.”

I’m going to unsheath my sword and I want to- I guess I’ll just attack the main guy as well, I don’t want to do anything fancy.

DM Murph: Are you going to do any kind of smite damage or anything like that?

Beverly: You know what, let’s start this thing off with a bang, yeah. I will cast-

Hardwon: Smite his ass, dude.

DM Murph: Do you want to- you have like a special ability that does like 2d8 damage, right?

Beverly: Yes, I’m going to use that.

DM Murph: You can also see if you hit and then try to do Divine Smite.

Beverly: Yes, that’s what I’m going to do.

DM Murph: Go ahead, take a swing.

Beverly: Just roll a d20?

DM Murph: Roll a d20.

Beverly: Here we go… That’s a 19, what do I add to that?

DM Murph: Oh, dude. You fucking hit.

Beverly: Nice, alright, cool.

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll 2 d8’s plus your normal damage.

Beverly: Uh... wait.

DM Murph: So Beverly after- this polite little boy gets like pushed over and falls behind the bar. Asks for permission and then yells out to his god, Pelor, the God of Light, and this burst of radiant energy comes out as he slashes this dude so hard!

Beverly: ...Is this the d8?

DM Murph: It should have eight sides on it.

Beverly: [sarcastically] Yup, alright.

Hardwon: That’s how you know.

DM Murph: So roll that twice and then roll your damage.

Beverly: Alright so that’s a 2… and a 7, so that’s 9.

DM Murph: And then another d8.

Beverly: Another d8?

DM Murph: Yeah cause that’s just your normal longsword damage.

Beverly: So that’s a 3.

DM Murph: So 12... 17 Damage.

Beverly: Plus 5, right?

DM Murph: I added that.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: Daaamn, Bitch. Damn!

DM Murph: This guy’s starting to look a little fucked up.

Moonshine: Moonshine turns around and she’s like, “What?”

Beverly: [mimicking sword slashing] Hah! Hah.

DM Murph: This burst of radiant energy comes out of Beverly’s longsword as he slashes this guy across the chest. He grabs his chest and you see a little bit of blood dribbling out.

Beverly: “That’s what you get for being rude!”

Hardwon: A drop of blood falls onto the ‘you guys are rude’ piece of paper.

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny meekly walks over to Hardwon and he’s going to ‘Lay on Hands’ him, because he’s a paladin. You’re back up to full health.

Hardwon: “Nice. ‘Preciate that, Brother. Really needed it.”

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny Lay hand’s you for 12. Then let’s bring it back up to Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay. Now I’m gonna make a melee attack with my scimitar which is covered in fungus at that main bad guy.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Actually fuck it, I’m going to go after- No, we should get rid of that main bad guy.

Hardwon: Yeah let’s kill that main guy.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: They might break after that, you know?

Moonshine: That’s definitely not going to hit, that’s a 7.

DM Murph: That does not hit.

Moonshine: Okay, well, I’m still going to-

DM Murph: You can still shoot your spores.

Moonshine: Halo of Spores, blow it like a kiss. And I wink at him after I do it.

DM Murph: [affectionately] Aw, you’re a nightmare.

Moonshine: 6 more poison damage. And then I’m going to use a bonus action to heal myself with healing word.

DM Murph: So what is that?

Moonshine: 1 d4 plus 5, so I got 6 back.

Beverly: How do bonus actions work?

DM Murph: Bonus actions, you can take after your action.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: So you probably don’t have many things that you can do as a bonus action.

Beverly: Oh, okay. So it will say bonus action?

Moonshine: Yeah, it’ll say.

DM Murph: Okay, that takes us to Hardwon.

Hardwon: Duuude. Alright let’s do it.

DM Murph: Just slashing at this guy?

Hardwon: … Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m doing.

Beverly: That’s what you do.

Hardwon: Axe comes back around, going right at his chest again.

Beverly: Oooh.

Hardwon: 16.

DM Murph: That definitely hits.

Hardwon: Plus-

DM Murph: Whatever your modifier, it just hits. It hits already. Roll that d12, baby.

Beverly: Roll that beautiful die.

Hardwon: [rolls]

Moonshine: Oooh!

Hardwon: 7… plus 4.

DM Murph: 11 damage. Damn, okay this dude is looking seriously fucked up.

Moonshine: He’s not done yet?!

DM Murph: No. He’s a fucking tough dude.

Moonshine: Bev, you gotta take him out.

Beverly: … Okay.

Moonshine: Bev, it’s up to you!

Hardwon: Only you can save us, Beverly.

DM Murph: So that takes us to this guys -

Beverly: that’s a lot of pressure.

Moonshine: You’re our only hope!

DM Murph: Oh shit! This dude took a reckless attack, so he should have been at disadvantage. Go ahead and roll again Moonshine to see if you hit, because you missed on your first attack.

Moonshine: Oh, to see if I hit? 15.

Beverly: That's a 15.

Moonshine:15 plus 4, 19.

DM Murph: That's definitely going to hit. Roll your damage.

Moonshine: Whoa! That's going to be damage plus poison damage. So that's going to be... 5 plus 2 is 7, plus 5... That's 12. Wait, no- yes. 12.

DM Murph: This dude is seriously, seriously fucked up.

Moonshine: So wait she had taken him for 12 plus 6.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Damn, he's strong! He's still standing!?

DM Murph: This dude is seriously fucked up. With his last inch of life he tries to take off Hardwon's head.

Hardwon: The guy that started it all.

DM Murph: He is going to hit. Yes, the man's whose pride got us into this fight.

Hardwon: The pride of the mountain!

DM Murph: The pride of the mountain. 9 damage to the pride of the mountain.

Hardwon: Alright. I've survived worse… Just one moment ago.

DM Murph: The other guys are going to keep swinging at moonshine here.

Beverly: Alright.

Moonshine: Bring it on, Bitch!

DM Murph: One guy is probably going to hit. 17 to hit?

Moonshine: Mm, yeah. That's definitely going to hit.

DM Murph: Okay, that's going to be... 5 damage on the first one.

Moonshine: Moonshine takes it but she doesn't even blink when it happens.

Beverly: Wow.

Hardwon: That's cool.

DM Murph: Just looks at him like-

Moonshine: Doesn’t even blink. She looks at her hand full of mushrooms and is like, "you're next.”

Hardwon: And Hardwon's about to cry from his wound and he looks at her like, [acting tough] "Oh yeah, yeah."

Beverly: Do the mushrooms have like, little humanistic characteristics? Do they have little faces on them?

Moonshine: I mean, I see faces when I look at them. But I also eat them, so...

Beverly: [imitating mushroom] "Hi moonshine, we're your babies!"

DM Murph: These two stoned guys are going to take swings at Moonshine. Oh, he rolls a 1 and a 19, but he's at disadvantage so he takes the 1 and misses. The other guy rolls and he's going to hit. He hits you for 7 damage.

Beverly: Beverly is unscathed, by the way.

DM Murph: How you doing, Moonshine?

Moonshine: Moonshine is at 11. Because she got extra hit points for being a symbiotic entity and she also healed herself.

DM Murph: Didn't you get hit by the first guy? You have like 25 health [total].

Moonshine: Wait, what did you hit me for. I thought you hit me for 5 this time?

DM Murph: No, I hit you for 5 the first time and 7 the second time, so 12 total.

Moonshine: Oh, I didn't hear the second.

DM Murph: So you're at 3.

Beverly: You're at 3?

Moonshine: No, I'm at 4.

DM Murph: So Moonshine looks right fucked up.

Hardwon: Oh dear.

DM Murph: Back to-

Hardwon: Beverly!

Beverly: Is it me?

DM Murph: No- yes, Beverly.

Beverly: Um, I was planning on attacking the main guy, but now that I see that Moonshine-

Moonshine: No. I look at you and I'm like, "Don't worry about me."

Beverly: I feel like I go to lay hands on her and you say- what do you say?

Moonshine: I say, "Don't worry. This... hen's taken care of."

Hardwon: [mimicking Moonshine] “I lay hands on myself.”

Beverly: "Yes, Ma'am. Full disclosure, full honesty in the Light of Truth? I did not want to touch you."

Alright, so then I turn away from moonshine and I turn to face the main barbarian and I say, "Sir! I've given you every chance to back down, but unfortunately as a Green Teen I cannot let your reign of terror on this village to proceed-”

Hardwon: “Hit him with the sword!”

Beverly: "I will now recite the Green Teen's creed!-”

Hardwon: “Kill him!” … “For the love of god.”

Beverly: I hold my sword aloft. It glows ever so slightly and I say, "A teen of green is never mean, our souls sublime, our hearts pristine. And at all times we stay serine. To glean the sheen of a light unseen!"

Moonshine: “Alright kid, I was being' nice. You gotta do something.”

Beverly: And after that I just kind of like, recklessly launch myself at him with my sword drawn, "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

DM Murph: Alright. Go ahead and roll with advantage because he took a reckless attack.

Beverly: Alright, cool. That's an 18.

DM Murph: That's going to hit already. You can roll again to see if you crit, to see if you get a 20.

Beverly: Oh, good call. That's another 18.

DM Murph: Okay, dope. You guys have got some good rolls so far.

Moonshine: Don't jinx us.

Beverly: d8, that's a 3 plus 5, I guess?

DM Murph: 8, okay. So you see after reciting the Green Teen creed, Beverly launches forwarwards and decapitates this dude.

Hardwon: Whoa!

DM Murph: Blood sprays fucking everywhere as his head flies over the bar! You see the other dudes look mad scared.

Beverly: … “Oh my god.”

Moonshine: “That little spring chicken has got some talent.”

DM Murph: That's back to scoutmaster Denny, who is going to- he'll cast Cure Wounds on Moonshine.

Moonshine: “Oh, thank you.”

DM Murph: Oh wow, he rolled pretty well. 10 HP back.

Moonshine: Oooh!

DM Murph: That's back to Moonshine.

Moonshine: Moonshine looks at him and is like, "Thank you. Don't come to close though, I'm very fertile."

DM Murph: [as Denny] "Yo-you're welcome, Miss!"

Moonshine: "Very. Fertile. Be careful when you lay hands on me."

Hardwon: Too fertile.

Beverly: What does that mean?

DM Murph: "We're not allowed to have sex, it's okay!"

Moonshine: And then she looks at one of the guys who hit her, the guy that she said 'you next' and she takes out her scimitar and aims it at him for... 22.

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: So that's going to be-

DM Murph: So roll your scimitar damage and it does poison damage too, right?

Moonshine: That's going to be only 3 for the scimitar damage, only 1 for the- 4? 4 with the poison damage. Total of 4. But then she's going to blow her kiss of poison.

Hardwon: Shroom kiss.

Moonshine: She's going to blow her shroom kiss.

DM Murph: For 6 damage?

Moonshine: Yeah, so 10 total.

DM Murph: This dudes on fucking death's door, these guys are much weaker.

Moonshine: Yeah, bitch.

DM Murph: Hardwon, your up.

Hardwon: Hell yeah. I'm swinging my axe at this dude's dome.

DM Murph: The dude who's weak?

Hardwon: Oh, yeah. I want to decapitate somebody, too!

Moonshine: Hardwon feels inferior.

Hardwon: … That's a 6, though.

DM Murph: Plus what?

Hardwon: 4. 10.

DM Murph: 10 total? It’s not plus 4, you have a higher thing than that.

Beverly: What do you add to your attack roll?

DM Murph: Your attack bonus.

Hardwon: Attack Bonus? Where is that?

DM Murph: Your attack bonus is plus 6, so you got a 12. So that does hit.

Hardwon: Oh. Damn right.

DM Murph: So roll your damage.

Hardwon: 8, that's plus 4.

DM Murph: So 12 damage. So Hardwon then decapitates this dude-

Hardwon: Yeah!

DM Murph: The head doesn't go quite as far as Beverly's head but it goes pretty far.

Hardwon: Hardwon looks ashamed.

Moonshine: Moonshine turns to the party and she's like, "Uh, will you save the last one for me, because now I feel like I've got to decapitate someone."

Hardwon: Hardwon takes a step back.

Beverly: “I only need to decapitate one head to get my defense merit badge, so I'm- I'm good."

Hardwon: You're furiously sewing a decapitated head badge onto yourself.

DM Murph: You see these other two barbarians kind of look at each other like super scared and they're going to disengage and they're going to start running out of the tavern.

Moonshine: Then I say, "These people were real inhospitable. What do you say, we chase them?"

Hardwon: Oh, shit.

DM Murph: Are you chasing them out the door?

Hardwon: I mean, I'll chase them.

Beverly: I, uh, I think that-

Moonshine: I mean they're definitely going to run back to a crew of barbarians, so we would need to-

Hardwon: Guys, we got to find the kids.

Moonshine: Yeah, that's true.

Beverly: We've been tasked with a mission.

Moonshine: Maybe we let them run.

DM Murph: They're just outside the tavern. Are you guys going to chase them outside?

Moonshine: There are more barbarians outside?

DM Murph: You don’t see if there are more.

Moonshine: Here's the only thought. If they run back to their barbarian friends we could be in bad standing by the time that we come back.

Hardwon: That's true, we gotta kill-

Moonshine: We've kind of got to silence these guys.

Hardwon: Yeah, we've got to kill these guys before they tell all the barbarians about us.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys run out and chase them just outside of the tavern. I'm going to roll to see if there are any other barbarians out there.

Beverly: Oooh.

DM Murph: I rolled a 1. There are definitely no barbarians.

[Players cheer]

DM Murph: Not such a good roll for the DM. Moonshine, you're up.

Moonshine: That's going to be 16.

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: And... 7 to hit, total. And [blows] another 6.

DM Murph: Wow, you kill this dude. You fucking slash this, spit some fucking poison spores-

Moonshine: Wait, wait, wait! Can I-

DM Murph: -and his head just explodes as it rapidly grows mushrooms!

Moonshine: Aw, shit. So his head explodes? Goddamnit, I wanted to decapitate him.

DM Murph: Oh, you can decapitate him if you want. You tell me how you want to kill him.

Moonshine: Well, I want to kill him with the spores, but then I'm going to decapitate his lifeless body just so I can be part of the fun.

DM Murph: Oh my god. This woman's just fucking hacking him up.

Moonshine: As I'm doing it I look up and I'm like, "Hey, we've got a club goin'!"

Hardwon: Hardwon almost throws up.

DM Murph: Umm, okay. That takes us to-

Beverly: "I take no pride in this."

Hardwon: "These are not the friends I wanted to make."

DM Murph: Hardwon, go ahead. Wait. Beverly, have you gone? We may have skipped you. The last thing you did was behead somebody?

Beverly: Yes.

Hardwon: Yeah then I beheaded someone since him.

Moonshine: Me too. I’ve also beheaded-

DM Murph: So it should have been your turn, so go ahead.

Beverly: Are they still trying to run?

DM Murph: Yes.

Hardwon: There's just one guy, the other's dead.

Beverly: Have we- are they waylaid by the fact that we've started attacking them? Are they slowed?

DM Murph: No, they're just turning and fucking running. Well, the one dude's dead. The other dude's just booking it, trying to-

Moonshine: We've got one more, we've got to make sure we silence them.

Beverly: Let me check with you if I can do this.

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: While they were attacking the other person, I... try to run ahead and set up a rope trap?

DM Murph: … No. You cannot- this is not fucking Home Alone.

Beverly: I don't know! I'm pretty resourceful.

DM Murph: You can try to trip him or something.

Moonshine: [laughing] This is not Home Alone!

Beverly: Yeah I don't know if I would be able to tackle him.

DM Murph: You can try, it's based on Strength.

Beverly: What I'm going to try and do is, I'm going to try and use my shield to kind of shield tackle him to the ground.

DM Murph: Okay, go ahead and run and give me a Strength check. An opposed Strength check, you're going to try to grapple him.

Beverly: Okay, great. Is that going to be-

DM Murph: Athletics or Strength.

Beverly: Strength is plus 5.

DM Murph: Plus 5?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Oh, that's your saving throw, those are the saving throws your proficient in, your Strength is just whatever your modifier is.

Beverly: Oh! It's plus 3. Okay.

DM Murph: So just give me a roll with a plus 3.

Beverly: That's 16 plus 3, 19.

DM Murph: 19, oh my god. Fucking Beverly tackles this dude, like form perfect tackle.

Beverly: “Pelor!”

DM Murph: Takes this dude down- this dude is just on the ground. Hardwon, you’re up.

Beverly: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!”

Moonshine: “Decapitate him!”

Beverly: “No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!”

Hardwon: I'm going to- Nice and slow stride, I walk over-

Beverly: I will say, I probably do try to stop him from decapitating yet another human.

Hardwon: "Move."

Beverly: "Hardwon, no. We've... three is probably good."

Hardwon: "Excuse me." I raise the greataxe.

Beverly: "I just think that maybe-"

DM Murph: Hardwon's just slashing!

Hardwon: That's 10 plus uh... 14?

DM Murph: I mean he's at disadvantage and everything, you definitely hit him.

Beverly: Well, he is my scoutmaster, I have to respect him now.

Hardwon: And that's an 11.

DM Murph: Oh, shit!

Beverly: … “Yes, Sir.”

DM Murph: So Beverly inadvertently helps execute this man. Beverly's like holding this dude down. Hardwon just comes over, and in one big chop just beheads this man-

Beverly: “I was thinking-”

DM Murph: -and his head rolls off.

Hardwon: “Yeah, I mostly didn't hear what you were saying. I'm not a-”

Beverly: "Sir, just-”

Hardwon: "You're my buddy. But yeah, I just killed that guy."

Beverly: "Normally I'm in favor of just... jail, I guess? As a method of dealing with conflict?"

DM Murph: So as you guys are talking and as this dude's head rolls down the road, you see Mishka the half orc pokes her head out of the tavern. She says, [intensely] "Bring the bodies inside, more will come soon!"

Hardwon: Oh, shit. Mishka's cool!

Moonshine: Ok, y'all.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: We drag the bodies inside.

DM Murph: You guys drag the bodies in and you see that the fishermen are helping fucking clean up and hide the bodies. You see that Mishka has already-

Moonshine: “Now that is hospitality!”

Hardwon: “There ya go.”

Beverly: They carry the bodies, I carry the heads.

Moonshine: “Now that's what I was looking for!”

DM Murph: Beverly carries the heads in as you guys and the other people in this tavern-

Moonshine: I ask Mishka, "Mishka, do you have a pile of trash anywhere? I want to give them a good Crick elf burial."

DM Murph: "We're not going to give them a burial, we're just going to hide them for now, okay?"

Moonshine: … " Okay."

DM Murph: They help you guys get rid of the bodies, you see there's like fishermen fucking scrubbing the blood and you see everyone kind of stand in the middle of the tavern. Mishka closes the door and she looks at you guys and she says, "Well, you might be just the guests we needed in this town."

And that's where we'll end our session.

[They all cheer and applaud.]

DM Murph: It's so funny, I didn't know if you were going to get into a fight with those barbarians but you definitely beheaded all of them.

Moonshine: I wanted to get in a fight with them so bad, but I knew- I was like, no no no, I'm too much of a sweetheart to. So I was so pumped when Hardwon-

DM Murph: Hardwon was just, "No!-

Hardwon: He doesn't suffer any slights.

DM Murph: -I will not buy them a drink!"

Moonshine: Because once I become a symbiotic entity, aka poison woman of spores then I'm no longer a sweetheart and I get to act like a savage.

DM Murph: It's also funny that you all-

Hardwon: Those guys were assholes. They- you offered them water, you offered them your bathtub.. Crick juice.

DM Murph: And it all started because Beverly gave them a note.

Hardwon: Those deaths are on your head.

Beverly: A very firm note! Which I folded so they would open after I left, but, ya know.

Moonshine: Yeah, you folded into a little swan.

Beverly: Exactly! It was a nice little origami swan. After we're back inside, I do start writing a note to my parents telling them about my new friends that I've made.

DM Murph: Your new scoutmaster who told you to chop somebody's head off.

Moonshine: And me, I'm trying to pick some of the knots out of Paw Paw's hair.

DM Murph: Oh my god, there's so many knots. It's so knotty. Okay guys, please rate the podcast. It's a new podcast, subscribe to it. Not Another D&D Podcast.

Hardwon: [Jake speaking unintelligibly under Daddy Murphy] … Yeah, rate and subscribe and all that but talk to people.

Moonshine: Yeah, we're trying to do like a grassroots thing here?

Hardwon: That's the shit.

DM Murph: Get on the subreddit, they've already made a subreddit. r/notanotherdndpodcast. Check it out. Follow us on twitter. @jakehurwitz, @caldy, @eaxford, @chmurph.

Guys, February 13th Emily and I have a book coming out, it's called Hey You Up? How to Turn Your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact. It's a satirical relationship advice book, check it out.

Moonshine: I got to think there's some overlap between people who love D&D and people who love satirical relationship advice.

DM Murph: They like us, that's the full overlap! Anybody else got any plugs? Listen to 'If I Were You' with Jake Hurwitz.

Hardwon: Oh, yeah. That's mine.

DM Murph: You're on that podcast. Caldwell?

Beverly: Yeah, uh, watch Drawfee?

DM Murph: Yeah, watch Drawfee! Drawfee's great! Okay guys-

Moonshine: Watch The Fall on Netflix, it really needs more- can I just plug that?

DM Murph: Yeah... just a recommendation, check out Gillian Anderson's The Fall.

Moonshine: She just looks so good swimming.

Hardwon: Oh shit, I will do that.

DM Murph: And listen to 8 bit Book Club, with me, Caldwell, and Emily.

Hardwon: But not until after you've seen every episode of The Fall.

DM Murph: That is correct. Yes. You need to be caught up on The Fall to get all the references.

Moonshine: Cause there are spoilers.

DM Murph: Emily does bring up The Fall a lot.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay guys, so we'll pick up here next week, with our intrepid heros and all of the people in this town as... uh, they've just murdered a bunch of people.

Moonshine: Yeah, I mean I'm think I'm getting back up in that kitchen and whipping us up some good jambalaya.

Beverly: Oooh.

Hardwon: … There's blood everywhere.

DM Murph: Bahamut keep you all and may the Baba Yaga not take you this night.

Beverly: Bye!