The City in the Clouds
The Galaderon Saga
Beverly is badly injured after his fall, so his scoutmasters hustle to get him home to Galaderon. Hardwon competes with a new rival for Bev's affection, Moonshine tracks down someone she thinks to be the legendary Thiala, and Beverly comes face to face with his greatest fear: his dad.
General Notes for Readability:
When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.
When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to.
Footnotes can be found at the end that explain D&D world building and mechanics.
If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2). If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)
Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.
DM Murph: [Intro] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This... is Not Another DnD Podcast.
DM Murph: Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz-
Hardwon: “Hardwon Surefoot.”
DM Murph: - Emily Axford-
Moonshine: “Moonshine Cybin: You can take the bitch out the crick, [laughter] but you can’t take the crick out the bitch!”
DM Murph: - and Caldwell Tanner.
Beverly: “Beverly Toegold, your star with a scar!”
DM Murph: [laughter]
Moonshine: Oooooh!
DM Murph: [laughter] Oh, Beverly is so hurt.
Beverly: Oh, boy.
Moonshine: Young Bev...
Hardwon: Emotionally and physically.
Beverly: Yeah, he’s a wreck, he’s a mess. He’s right fucked.
DM Murph: You guys did level up last time, so all of our players are level five right now.
Hardwon: Boom.
DM Murph: Even though it’s really funny to imagine Beverly as getting stronger crumpled on the ground.
Beverly: Hey- experience. I had a lot of it.
DM Murph: [laughter] He did learn not to make gods angry.
Hardwon: Yeah. No more practical jokes on gods.
Beverly: Beverly, the God-Pranker. Now I have a title.
Hardwon: [laughter] God-Pranker’s pretty solid.
Moonshine: Yeah.
Beverly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn’t actually prank him-
Hardwon: - right, it was a botched prank.
DM Murph: [laughter] A botched prank is nothing!!!
Beverly: When you sing my song-
Moonshine: Yeah, it’s a failure-
Beverly: When you tell my tales and sing my songs, please say that I pranked the God.
Moonshine: “Oh, I got a song.”
Beverly: Oh, boy.
DM Murph: So let’s do a recap, guys. Last week you guys met Tonathan Tinkle, played by our friend Nathan Yaffey. He was a gnomish wizard/cleric, who had heard praytell of a mythical being in the Galaderon Glades, who could answer any question. You guys traveled along the Golden Road, and on the way ran into Moonshine’s cousin, Cooter-
Moonshine: “Oh, Cooter, good to see ya.”
Hardwon: Love Cooter.
DM Murph: Cooter informed you that [as Cooter] “folks down at The Crick are coming down with Crick Rot- ”
Moonshine: Crick Rot!
DM Murph: - a zombifying disease that seems to be emanating from The Crick itself.
Beverly: Do we have to go there?
Moonshine: I mean, we gotta save the water! I’m not gonna just get rid of the water and leave it a dry bed.
Beverly: Fair.
DM Murph: This campaign is all building to going to The Crick. I just have a running list of all the insane things Emily makes up and someday we’ll get there-
Beverly: He’s gonna get there. It’ll be like if Disneyland got the Norovirus.
DM Murph: So Cooter’s been running the sicker Crick elves up to Galaderon to receive healing from the High Priest Merrick High Hill, but even his magic has only been able to stabilize the sick Cricks and not cure them fully.
Moonshine: Sick Cricks.
DM Murph: You also saw wanted posters for a mystery woman called the Widow.
Moonshine: “Eh, I mean I know Cooter’s sick and that’s all serious but, the Widow, huh?”
Hardwon: “Yeah. She’s got some really nice cheekbones.”
Moonshine: “Mysteeeerious. Yeah!”
Hardwon: “If only we could see- ”
DM Murph: Yeah, you guys, she had her hood up so all you see is strong chin-
Beverly: (simultaneously) - strong chin. Not a whisker on it.
Hardwon: Full lips. Not a whisker on it, but she’s still- she’s still pretty cute. Despite not having a mustache.
DM Murph: You guys made your way into the Galaderon Glades and found the Tower of the Watchman, but first you had to earn the trust of Uku and the other Goliath monks who protected it. After a few [laughter] bumps in the road, you guys passed the Watchman Trials and were permitted to climb the tower. You defeated the ghost in the tower, then met the Watchman, the big spectral head with dozens of spider-like eyes, and you were each able to ask a question. Moonshine found out that the Crick Rot couldn’t be cured by normal means and was demonic influence. Hardwon found out that his parents’ names were Lydia and Elias Stormborn. Tonathan found out the location of the three heroes: Thiala and Ulfgar are headed to Galaderon, and Alanis was not on this plane. Beverly found out that the reason his amulet had cracked was because Thiala had broken her pact with Pelor.
Beverly: [Gasps]
DM Murph: Beverly then attempted to trick the all-knowing god into eating a poison berry and was promptly thrown from the tower where he almost died!
Moonshine: Ughhh.
Hardwon: Ho-lee shit.
Beverly: I mean like, fifty-fifty.
Moonshine: Saved only by the mechanics of D&D!
DM Murph: [laughter] We were talking about how, when you fall, every ten feet you take a d6 of damage, but there’s a max because there are certain spells and skills that allow you to throw people-
Beverly: - your bones can-
DM Murph: - off of towers and stuff.
Beverly: - your bones can only get so broken.
DM Murph: Right, so there’s a max amount of damage so you can’t spam damage and kill legendary beasts and whatnot. And, uh, y’know, Beverly’s alive because of that.
Beverly: Because of the true god of D&D: mechanics.
Hardwon: So many dice...
DM Murph: Ah, but the true god of this world is the Direct Messenger, so right now, let’s talk about the consequences of Beverly’s fall.
Beverly: Yes.
DM Murph: That’s where we’ll begin. Beverly, I need you to roll a d4-
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: - and your goal here is to get as low as possible.
Beverly: Oh, boy. Alright.
Hardwon: Is this about the size of the scar?
DM Murph: [ominously] Oh, he is so hurt. This is more than just about his body.
Moonshine: Oh, Melora. OHH, I got a guess what it is.
Beverly: Here we go.
DM Murph: Go ahead and roll a d4. Get low.
Beverly: [in horror] OH!
Hardwon: So high.
Beverly: That’s a 3.
DM Murph: That’s a 3. Okay.
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: All three of your healing potions shattered.
Beverly: Cool. Fair.
DM Murph: So they’re gone.
Beverly: Alright.
DM Murph: You lost your healing potions. As you guys-
Moonshine: Paw Paw’s lapping up the broken… “Paw Paw, git!”
Hardwon: “Paw Paw, you look so healthy!”
DM Murph: Paw Paw is super healthy right now, he looks great.
Beverly: He’s so strong.
Moonshine: “Your coat is shiny and slick as a newborn seal!”
Hardwon: “Paw Paw, were your teeth always that sharp and white?”
Moonshine: “Paw Paw- ”
Hardwon: “My god!”
Moonshine: “- are you doing pushups with all four legs?!”
Hardwon: “Look at your pecs!”
Beverly: “Your nipples are so pronounced.”
Hardwon: “So many pecs and so many nipples!”
DM Murph: Paw Paw is just as big as a bullywug now, he is just a possum-man.
Moonshine: “Paw Paw, have you always been knee-high?”
Beverly: What else happens?
DM Murph: Barnaby, Tonathan’s owl, stabilizes Beverly. But Beverly-
Moonshine: I ripped off, if you recall, I ripped off young Bev’s humor patch.
Beverly: Yeah. It’s gone.
DM Murph: You deserve it!
Moonshine: Moonshine, in an act of inhospitality, ripped off that patch.
DM Murph: Beverly, you are at 1 HP now and conscious.
Beverly: Great.
DM Murph: You don’t feel your legs.
Hardwon: [gasps]
Beverly: Not great. [laughter] Uh. Okay. I’m just laying there unconscious on the ground?
DM Murph: You’re at 1 HP, you’re conscious, but you are in shock. You are so hurt. Hardwon and Moonshine-
Beverly: “[hyperventilating]”
DM Murph: - when you give him a look over, you see his legs are just completely shattered, bones poking out, just nightmare-
Hardwon: Hardwon takes his axe out from behind his back.
Moonshine: [laughter]
Beverly: NO!
Hardwon: “Uh, the leg’s gotta go.”
Beverly: [pained] “I think we could, we could probably save them, I know some good doctors. I have a pediatrician.”
Moonshine: I’m trying to remember how many spells I had left, I don’t remember how many spells I have left-
Hardwon: Alright, well figure it out fast because Hardwon just removed his belt and tied it- and has Bev biting down on the leather.
Moonshine: Can I just try a Cure Wounds on his legs?
DM Murph: Yeah, go ahead!
Beverly: Am I even able to talk or am I just out of it?
DM Murph: You can talk, you’re probably pretty hysterical.
Beverly: Cool. [pained whimper]
Moonshine: “Okay, Young Bev, calm down!”
Beverly: [pained, pitiful vocalizations]
Moonshine: 7 plus 7… 14.
DM Murph: 14. You heal him for 14?
Moonshine: Yeah.
DM Murph: Cool. You see the wounds on his legs start to heal up-
Beverly: “OW OW OW OW OW!”
Hardwon: “Just say the word, Bev, just say the word and I’m choppin ‘em off!”
DM Murph: They start to set, and then they crunch, and you see his legs look like… skin bags full of broken bones.
Beverly: [laughter] “You forgot to heal the bones!”
Moonshine: “Y’all, I would not be a crick if I could not admit my limitations, and I do not believe I can heal bones.”
DM Murph: You see Uku walks over to you guys. He puts Tonathan down and some of the monks take Tonathan away-
Beverly: [laughter] Bye!
DM Murph: [laughter] Bye, Tonathan! Uku walks over and goes, [as Uku], “Oh man, were you a- was somebody a dick to the god?”
Hardwon: “He tried your fucking berry prank.”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “I told you not to do the berry prank!”
Beverly: “I thought he’d think it was funny! I thought that gods had a sense of humor! Pelor has a great sense of humor! Pelor is the god of laughter and mirth!”
Moonshine: “Young Bev, look at the hole in your patch sash, and tell me if you have a good sense of humor.”
Beverly: “I don’t have anymore. I think I’ve lost my sense of humor for good.”
Hardwon: “I’m not sure why you had the patch in the first place kid.”
Moonshine: “Yeah, what did you do to get that patch in the first place?”
Beverly: “You have to do one stand-up set.”
DM Murph: [laughter] Does it have to go well?
Beverly: “You only have to bomb once. You have to get one clap.”
DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny gave him his humor patch.
Hardwon: “Scoutmaster Denny was hilarious.”
Moonshine: I can’t believe Scoutmaster Denny has continued to ruin your life.
Beverly: “I think I need to replace the humor patch… [whispering] with a forgiveness patch....”
Moonshine: [laughter]
Hardwon: “We gotta try to fix your legs. Uku, is there anything to be done for this kid here?”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “Well, we’ve got a few clerics around here. They’re pretty low level though, I mean, y’know, you hurt yourself to a certain point, you’re kinda screwed, right? Y’know what I mean?”
Hardwon: “Maybe we can take him to Galaderon, what’s the, uh…. Merrick High Hill. He’s the High Priest that heals the Crick Rot, right?”
Moonshine: “Oh! Yeah! If he’s helping my people…”
Beverly: “I’ve been to his office before… he’s my pediatrician…”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “Wow, you’re like fifteen, kid, you’re still going to a pediatrician? Jesus!”
Beverly: “I like the lollipops! Also halflings age slower!”
DM Murph: [as Uku] [laughter] “That’s absolutely true. You’re like human eight. Alright, you know what? Why don’t we bring him into the temple; why don’t you guys take a rest; we’ll heal him up as best we can. We’ll make him like a little backpack so you, Hardwon, can carry him. That’ll be kind of cute!”
Hardwon: I’m gonna Hodor this kid across Galaderon.
Moonshine: “Uku, do you know if Young Bev is in danger of just- um, do we need to- ” [to Beverly] “Young Bev, earmuffs!”
Beverly: I cover my ears.
DM Murph: [laughter] He’s still in so much pain, Beverly, your legs are shattered.
Beverly: [pitiful, pained humming]
Moonshine: “Was Hardwon onto something, do we need to sever these appendages?”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “Y’know, the cure wounds that you did- ”
Moonshine: “It put the gangrene at bay?”
DM Murph: “- it probably cleaned up the wounds and stuff, but he’s pretty messed up, he’s gonna need a Greater Restoration spell or something. You need a really high-level cleric to help him out here.”
Hardwon: “And you don’t have any clerics like that here, do you?”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “Not that high level, no way.”
Moonshine: “I’m just asking because- ”
Hardwon: I don’t need a rest, do you need a rest?
Moonshine: I mean, we can if we’re just getting- [to Uku] “Galaderon, is it a safe path to Galaderon?”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “Yeah, you can just take the road.”
Hardwon: Okay, let’s get there so we can cure this little kid.
Moonshine: Yeah, we can boogie. I can cast Long Strider on you to try to mitigate any inconveniences of wearing a young boy as a backpack.
Beverly: [laughter]
Hardwon: [gruffly] “I can handle it.”
Beverly: “Boypack!”
Moonshine: “Okay, I guess I’ll just cast it on myself then, I’ll just be real fast. Actually, let me cast it on Paw Paw, so that he can just go so fast.”
Hardwon: Oh, Paw Paw’s really strong right now, can we ride Paw Paw to Galaderon?
DM Murph: [laughter] Yeah, he’s just scramblin’ around, faster than you’ve ever seen. He runs in and out of the illusion. So healthy and fast.
Moonshine: Okay, yeah let’s hit the road.
Hardwon: If you cast it on me, maybe we could put Bev in a little wheelbarrow or something and just get him to Galaderon?
DM Murph: [as Uku] “I suggested the backpack, I thought that would be cute. Y’know, gang?”
Beverly: [pained] “I think yeah. Backpack seems fun.”
Moonshine: I mean, his legs are super broken, you can kind of tie ‘em around your waist.
DM Murph: [as Uku] “You can tie his legs around or you can just have them out.”
Beverly: “Ow, ow, ow.”
Hardwon: “Oh god, these sacks of loose bones. Fine. Let’s go!”
Beverly: “Can I take the earmuffs off?!”
Hardwon: “...No.”
Beverly: “Okay!”
Moonshine: “No, keep em on.”
Beverly: [singing] “Green Teens dance around, all throughout the forest / Green Teens, here we are- ”
Hardwon: “He fucked up more than his legs, didn’t he?”
DM Murph: [laughter] Just shattered legs!
Moonshine: Shattered legs and so many concussions. I will tell you though-
DM Murph: And he also has a huge scar on his face.
Moonshine: I will tell you, I appreciate the sunshine in Young Bev’s spirits, even in the face of the cloud of adversity.
Beverly: “I feel like, maybe Pelor’s trying to tell me something here? Either I should trust him more, or trust him less? I haven’t quite decided yet, but- ”
Moonshine: “Was that Pelor testing your faith? Do you believe- is Pelor sort of an Abrahamic, vengeful deity?”
Beverly: “Pelor is all about spreading light and goodness and joy! And that’s what I was trying to do with my berry prank.”
DM Murph: [as Uku] “I think you just tried to pull a goof on a god, y’know, and that’s the number one rule: don’t goof a god.”
Beverly: “Lesson learned! I think that by letting me live, Pelor might have been trying to tell me something, but I think I need to talk to Thilla. I need to find her, I need to talk with the High Priest in town, I just need more information.”
Hardwon: “Yeah, before we do any of that, let’s try to make sure that your bones don’t fall out of your asshole.”
Beverly: “Yeah.”
Hardwon: [laughter] “Let’s get you to Galaderon.”
Beverly: “Yeah, my legs are soup, let’s fix this.”
DM Murph: Uku helps you guys, he brings in some of the monks. They put together a little hide backpack, like a baby backpack, where his- basically-
Beverly: [laughter] A Beverly Bjorn?!
DM Murph: [laughter] It’s a Beverly Bjorn!
Moonshine: I pull one of the monks aside and say, “Can you just quick fashion one of those for Paw Paw?”
Beverly: [laughter]
DM Murph: He nods, and he makes a quick one for Paw Paw.
Moonshine: [appreciatively] “Mmmm.”
Hardwon: “Dope.”
Moonshine: Possum pouch. Can you make it sort of like a little kangaroo pouch, so I can wear him like I’m his mama-roo?
DM Murph: He hands you a berry, and walks away.
Moonshine: [laughter] Freaking berries! [muttering] I take it and eat it.
DM Murph: So you guys now look like really fucked up, young parents. You just have a possum in a Baby Bjorn, and a backpack with [laughter] a boy in it.
Moonshine: But you look like-
Hardwon: [laughter] A crippled Green Teen knight.
DM Murph: Just, legs hanging out-
Moonshine: But you look like such a good partner, Hardwon, because you’re like, contributing and carrying.
Hardwon: That’s nice. It’s the kind of parenting I never had.
Beverly: Yeah. Hangover dot jpeg.
DM Murph: So are you guys heading out to Galaderon?
Hardwon: Yeah, let’s get there. D’you wanna do the Long Strider thing?
Moonshine: Yeah yeah yeah. Long Strider so Hardwon’s real fast.
Hardwon: You gonna try to keep up?
Moonshine: Maybe you try to scoot real fast and me and Paw Paw will come as quick as we can, but we may fall behind.
Beverly: Beverly makes an ambulance noise with his mouth.
DM Murph: [laughter]
Beverly: [pained] “Whee-woo, whee-woo, whee-woo!”
Hardwon: Hardwon puts on earmuffs.
DM Murph: I like to imagine that Beverly’s acting exactly the same as he always does, but he’s also crying the whole time.
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: I definitely say, the way that Beverly’s reacting, I don’t think he learned anything from his trial-
Hardwon: Can we give him a little bit of the uh, Crick, the Crick moonshine?
Moonshine: Ohh, that’s a good call-
Beverly: Just a little taste, yeah-
Hardwon: The alcohol, what’s it called?
DM Murph: It’s just Crick Water.
Hardwon: Oh, Crick Water.
Moonshine: Crick Water, yeah, I just say, “Young Bev, I know you got a taste for this. Let’s not pussyfoot around this,” and then I just let him chug some Crick Water.
Hardwon: You’re gonna- we’re gonna have a walk-me-down on the way to Galaderon.
Moonshine: You’re gonna have a walk-me-down.
DM Murph: Beverly, you feel great.
Beverly: “I hope I can walk-me-down again.”
DM Murph: You don’t even remember that your legs are horribly broken.
Hardwon: This is a Bjorn-me-down.
Moonshine: Oh yeah, a rag-me-down.
Beverly: I think, just for full clarity, giving a peek inside Beverly’s brain, he’s just trying to put on a good face for his scoutmasters, but Beverly’s fucking torn up inside about what has happened.
Moonshine: [sympathetically] Ohh. Young Bev.
Hardwon: [understanding] Yeah.
DM Murph: Cool.
Beverly: And now Beverly has to admit to his dad that he [laughter] fell off a tower.
DM Murph: [laughter]
Hardwon: We’re gonna try to heal your legs before we see your dad, right?
Beverly: Yeah I think I whisper that to you, I’m like [whispering furiously] “Please don’t let my dad find out!”
Hardwon: “Done.”
DM Murph: Alright. So you guys get motorin’. As you head to Galaderon, let me give you guys a little background on Galaderon! Remember how we do that- ?
Beverly: Yeahhh!
Moonshine: Yeahhh.
DM Murph: - for Ezry and Moonstone, so let’s do it for this. Galaderon is one of the most influential cities in Bahumia, and the capital of the humanoid empire. Before the war against Asmodeus, the city was run by a king and a council of elected officials. But during the war against Asmodeus, King Henrick Asagar was killed in battle, leaving his ten-year-old son Robin in charge. The Boy King was not fit to lead, and without a strong leader, the council was caught in constant political gridlock, and was slow to act on the growing threat of Asmodeus’s army. Finally: Thiala, Ulfgar, and Alanis convinced the Boy King to dissolve the council, and replace them with a single advisor who would be quick to deal with the Dark Army. Thiala was the first advisor, commanding the Galaderon Army and toppling the cursed city of Asmodea. Once the war was over, Thiala disappeared and was replaced by High Priest Hubert Duncap, a geriatric cleric who’s borderline incomprehensible. But now, Merrick High Hill, a highly-capable cleric, friend of the Green Knights, and Priest of the Nature Domain is about to take over the position.
Moonshine: [intrigued] Ohh…
Beverly: You forgot to mention that he’s also a pediatrician.
DM Murph: [laughter] And he’s also-
Moonshine: Former pediatrician-
DM Murph: - Beverly’s pediatrician.
Hardwon: Remind me the old guy who’s about to get replaced?
DM Murph: [enunciating] Hubert Duncap.
Beverly: Can we just pause? That’s… a great name.
DM Murph: Thank you! Thank you!
Beverly: A+ name. I love that a lot.
DM Murph: You can tell he’s useless by his useless name!
Beverly: [laughter] Yup!
DM Murph: So you guys approach Galaderon, AKA The City in the Clouds, The Castle on the Crag. There’s a giant bridge that arcs from the golden road to the mountain where the city sits. It’s a mile-long uphill climb, but boy, is it majestic. It’s a beautiful-
Hardwon: “Beautiful! Fuck, I love this image.”
DM Murph: It’s a beautiful spring day. The bridge is full of people excited to enter the city, or excited to be off on whatever adventure they’re about to embark on. There are brightly colored hot air balloons transporting people from the lower part of the city to the top. You can see a tram-
Moonshine: Moonshine definitely clocks this and is like, “Mmmmm, if we have a day off…”
DM Murph: You can see a tram snaking its way down the mountain, occasionally disappearing into the tunnel system deep in the mountain. Knights in beautiful platemail wave from hovering airships and you can just catch sight of the castle standing at the top of Galaderon, its spires hidden in the clouds.
Moonshine: “Ooooh-la-la! If I could control weather, I would get rid of those clouds and get a peek at those spires.”
Hardwon: “Your mountain is way nicer than mine.”
Beverly: [pained] “Thank you.” I shakily whisper to Moonshine, “I have a season pass on the balloon rides.”
DM Murph: You- you actually do. That is- so the poorer people, not even poorer, just middle class, lower class, they take the tram, and the people who live in Upper Galaderon, they have a hot air balloon that takes them up.
Beverly: Ah.
Hardwon: Can we walk up to one of these hot air balloons and show them uh, Bev’s, uh, broken, golden foot?
DM Murph: [laughter] You absolutely-
Hardwon: Would that allow us passage?
DM Murph: Yeah, you absolutely can. So as you guys-
Beverly: [laughter] [incredulous] You just wag my broken foot?!
Moonshine: Almost like using a passed-out person’s finger to unlock their phone-
Beverly: It’s like my fucking metro card.
Hardwon: Yeah. It’s the fast pass at Disney.
DM Murph: So as you guys approach the balloon, you see a Crick elf guy with an eyepatch leaving the tram system, and he’s got a giant blunderbuss.
Moonshine: Do I know him?!
DM Murph: You do recognize him.
Moonshine: I do?
DM Murph: - You recognize him. This guy-
Moonshine: “I swear, I know that face!”
Hardwon: “This Crick elf right here?”
Moonshine: “Yeah! Hold on, I’m gonna go over,” and I go over and I do like, an intricate Crick handshake to see if he reciprocates.
DM Murph: This guy, unlike the other Crick elves, who are very hospitable and stuff, this guy is an old, kind of grizzled Crick hunter. And it’s not that he’s not hospitable, it’s just that he’s a little bit more serious. So you go to do the handshake and he’s kind of just a couple steps behind you, like, moving real slow.
DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb, whose speaking voice is gruff, low, and v e r y slow with the typical southern Crick twang] “Uhhh hi, hi, how ya doin’, Moonshine? It’s been a while since I seen you.”
Beverly: Oh dang.
Moonshine: “Yeahhh, what’s your name? It escapes me right now! I saw your face, though, that didn’t escape me!”
DM Murph: “Oh, you know me, I’m Ol’ Cobb.”
Moonshine: “Oooool’ Cobb, well git the heck out! What sorta crock you catch to get here?”
DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] “Eh, you know, somethin’ ain’t right at The Crick.”
Moonshine: “Yeahhh.”
DM Murph: “So I came here to make things right’.”
Moonshine: “Whatchu huntin’ with that blunderbuss? Who’s tastin’ the fruits of that blunderbuss?”
DM Murph: He pulls out a wanted poster of the Widow, and he says, “I tracked the Widow to Galaderon. If I find her, that’s ten thousand gold pieces for Ol’ Cobb.”
Moonshine: “Wow. Well if you catch her, real quick, could I have maybe, ten, fifteen minutes with her? Because, oh lord, what I wouldn’t give to just be a crumb on her coffee cake, if you know what I mean.”
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: “Pretty face like that.”
DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] “Uh, w-we can’t even see her face…”
Moonshine: “Yeahh. I know, I know, just a great jawline- anyways, go on, I’m so sorry.”
DM Murph: He doesn’t laugh but he says, [sincerely] “That’s really funny, Moonshine.”
Moonshine: “Oooh. Ol’ Cobb, I forgot, I forgot about you and your vibe.”
DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] [stoically] “I love to laaaaaugh.”
Moonshine: “Oh I’m so sorry I’ve been so rude! These are my compatriots: I got Hardwon- ”
DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] “Where’s my hospitality. How you doin’ [mispronouncing] Hard-waahhhn. I’m Ol’ Cobb- ”
Hardwon: “I heard, yeah, good to see you man, how are you.”
DM Murph: “How you doin’?”
Hardwon: “I’m fine, thank you.”
DM Murph: “And who’s this little fella with the broken spaghetti legs?”
Beverly: [pained] “Hi, Beverly Toegold, very nice to meet you, I see several spots right now.”
DM Murph: “Well, yeah, I’m tryin’ to get me that reward so I can bring in some clerics to The Crick- ”
Moonshine: “Ohhh!”
DM Murph: “- make things right.”
Moonshine: “What an honorable cause. I’ll tell you what, we have got to get this little spaghetti-legged guy to a cleric- in there, we’re gonna hitch a hot air balloon to do that. But- ”
DM Murph: “Ohh, you’re high-falutin in Galderon here!”
Moonshine: “Whelp- ”
Hardwon: I wag his golden foot at him.
DM Murph: “Oh!”
Hardwon: We got a golden ticket.
Moonshine: Yea. Uh-huh.
DM Murph: “That is a niiice boy-foot.”
Hardwon: “Polished to a high sheen.”
Beverly: [weakly] “Thank- thank you.”
Moonshine: “Yeah. But perhaps we could rendezvous on the other side in the city?”
DM Murph: “I’ll tell you what, Moonshine.” And he hands you a stone. “This is called a sending stone; give you a direct line to Ol’ Cobb.”
Moonshine: “Who’s high-falutin now?!”
Beverly: “Wow!”
Moonshine: “Pulling sending stones out your pocket like it ain’t no thing!”
DM Murph: “I got a lotta speakin’ rocks.”
Beverly: “My parents won’t let me have one of those until I’m sixteen.”
Moonshine: “Okay, well yes, I will absolutely be hittin’ up this sending stone.”
DM Murph: “Well, you hear anything about the Widow… you give Ol’ Cobb a call, alright?”
Moonshine: “Okay. Or if, you know, we might hit up a tavern if all goes well with the cleric… today. In which case, I’ll also use that sending stone. Is it a one-time kind of use thing? How uh…. How lax can I be with the sending stone?”
[Hardwon and Bev laugh]
Beverly: “What’s the minutes plan?”
DM Murph: “Let’s say you can be- I think normally you can only use it once but it’s funnier if you can use it multiples times- ” [Hardwon, Beverly and Moonshine laugh] “- so this is kind of just a burner cell phone you can use to call Ol’ Cobb.”
Hardwon: [laughter] “We might drunk dial you later depending on how things go, Ol’ Cobb.”
DM Murph: “You know what, believe it or not, a lot of people say I’m not fun to hang out with- ”
Hardwon: “I’m having a great time.”
DM Murph: “so it kinda brings a tear to Ol’ Cobb’s eye knowin’ that you might wanna get a drink with Ol’ Cobb.”
Moonshine: “Yeah, honestly I remember getting drinks a looooong time ago with Ol’ Cobb and just emptying all the bullets out the blunderbuss and just puttin’ funny things in it.”
DM Murph: [stifling laughter] “I love puttin’ funny things in my gun.”
Beverly: [laughs till he coughs and chokes]
Hardwon: “I didn’t realize Ol’ Cobb had such a sense of humor!”
DM Murph: “You know what, I love- ”
Moonshine: [laughter] “He’s the funniest guy at The Crick!”
DM Murph: “I like to goof arooouuuund.”
Hardwon: [impressed] “Really!”
Beverly: I give him a kobold tooth to put in his blunderbuss.
DM Murph: “Aww, well ain’t that- ” [laughter] you see he puts a tooth and he shoots-
Beverly: [laughter]
DM Murph: [laughter] - there was already a bullet in the chamber, there’s a huge explosion-
Beverly: “Oh! He did it… right here… okay!”
DM Murph: “Why don’t you guys get goin’, I think I’m gonna get in trouble with these guards here.”
Moonshine: “Yeah- ”
Beverly: “Yeah, yeah- ”
Hardwon: “See ya later, Ol’ Cobb, we’ll give you a call.”
DM Murph: “Alright.”
Moonshine: “See ya later Ol’ Cobb, thank you for the stone.”
Beverly: Before we go-
Moonshine: “I’m gonna definitely abuse it.”
Beverly: - I also give him a business card for my podiatrist. No, not my podiatrist, my uhhh, my pedicurist. If he wants to get his feet done all fancy.
DM Murph: “Oh, thank you, I might get myself a golden foot.”
Beverly: “You’ll- you’ll never feel better, honestly, every step is a blessing.”
Moonshine: [amused] “Sending stones and golden feet, Ol’ Cobb, what’s Galaderon done to you?”
DM Murph: “I tell ya, these boots, I walk on a penny, I’d tell you what year it is. That’s some Ol’ Cobb humor for you there.”
Beverly: I laugh and then puke up a little blood.
Hardwon: “Yeah, we gotta get this kid to a cleric- ”
DM Murph: “Ohh you better get that kid outta here.”
Beverly: “Yeah, it’s a bit of a situation.”
DM Murph: You guys walk over to this little dock. You enter the hot air balloon, the basket door closes, the pilot ignites the burner, and you’re off! Suddenly you have a view of the ocean and you’re level with a lot of the airships and you see thousands of people entering and leaving the city on the bridge, now as tiny as ants. The balloon settles on a dock roughly three-quarters of the way up the mountain. This is Upper Galaderon, the rich part of town where the Toegolds live. The only area of the city higher than this neighborhood is the church district, full of a few grand cathedrals dedicated to each of the major paladin-slash-cleric factions, and smaller churches dedicated to other deities. Then of course, there is the King’s castle which sits higher than everything else in Galaderon. So you guys exit the dock and enter this well-to-do neighborhood. It’s the fantasy equivalent of the Hollywood Hills; just beautiful mansions built into the side of the mountain, some of them with big dome observatories so they can look out into the stars at night, and there is of course a path that winds around the mountain and allows you to get from house to house. Beverly, you know how to get to your house.
Beverly: Right. Uh, I do not go to my house.
DM Murph: [laughter]
Beverly: I guess I- well- there’s the church district, but would there be like a clinic, or a hospital nearby?
DM Murph: Your situation is bad enough that you need High Priest High Hill to help you and you’re not going to be able to get him without your dad finding out.
Beverly: [sighing] “Huhhhhhokay. So I can either be crippled for life or tell my dad?” [laughter]
DM Murph: [laughter] Precisely.
Beverly: [laughter] Those are the options. Alright, I take a big breath and I say, [pained] “Guys…. I think we need to call my dad.”
Hardwon: “Wow. Are you sure you don’t want me to chop off your legs?”
[laughter]
Beverly: “It’s nice to have that in our back pocket as kind of a- kind of a backup plan, but uh, I’d like to use my legs again maybe so, um- ” I direct them towards my house.
Hardwon: You’re in my- like, hanging off my chest, right?
Beverly: Right.
Hardwon: I like to imagine you’re just pointing and I follow wherever you point.
Beverly: Yeah, you’re using Beverly Maps right now. [all laugh] So yeah, I guide the way.
DM Murph: Great, Beverly guides Hardwon, who guides Moonshine and Paw Paw.
Moonshine: Moonshine is peekin’ in every window she can.
DM Murph: Oh my goodness. Well, it’s pretty private, there are like hedges and stuff blocking some of the houses, and arcane barriers-
Moonshine: Uh-huh-
DM Murph: - so as you go to like stick your face in-
Moonshine: Moonshine doesn’t really understand privacy so she assumes- like, she’s not doing it to be sneaky, she’s assuming that-
DM Murph: Yeah you see one gnome reading a book on his couch just makes eye contact with you and [laughter] closes the blinds-
Moonshine: I shoot him a thumbs up but kind of mess up a little bit, ‘cause I haven’t done it in a while-
DM Murph: - he closes the blinds on you.
Beverly: How many pies does Moonshine steal off window-sills?
DM Murph: Ohh, these people don’t cool their own pies!
Beverly: Oh, that’s true, they have chefs.
DM Murph: You guys get to Beverly’s house-
Moonshine: Paw Paw makes a muck in a couple of lawns.
[DM and Beverly laugh]
DM Murph: Are you guys trying to get killed by the Galaderon guards before you get to Beverly’s house?
Beverly: Dog, we are always.
Hardwon: Will you describe Beverly’s house to us?
DM Murph: You got it. You guys get to Beverly’s house. Well, a normal hobbit hole is built into a hill, this is built into the actual mountain. It’s got the big rounded hobbit door built right into the rockface, and you can see windows spread out across three floors. This hobbit hole is more like a hobbit mansion.
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: Ugh.
DM Murph: So yeah, you’re at your door. You also see, on the third floor is where Beverly’s room is, you see that he has a little private balcony with a telescope on it.
Hardwon: Sweet, little boy.
Moonshine: Ugh.
Beverly: I do the special knock.
DM Murph: Beverly knocks on the door, and you hear from the inside: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “MARTHA! BEVERLY’S HOME! WOULDJA OPEN THE DOOR?”
[Beverly Toegold IV has the quintessential goofy dad voice. He is unselfconsciously loud and his voice cracks constantly. He often exasperatedly says “Awww” as in “Aw jeez, Bev!”]
Beverly: [whispering] “That’s my mom.” [laughter] Oh wait, is that my mom-
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “MARTHA- OPEN THE- OPEN THE- ALRIGHT, I’LL GET IT, I’LL GET IT!” Beverly Toegold IV opens the door. This short, halfling man in casual noble’s clothes - so he’s just wearing a nice silk, green shirt and brown slacks - and he looks like Beverly, but with a salt and pepper mustache and black hair.
Beverly: Aw, shit.
DM Murph: And he looks at you guys-
Beverly: “Daddy, I messed up! Daddy, I messed up real bad!”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “What the- ” He looks at your legs- “AW, what the- BEV! BEVERLY! Juh- I SWEAR TO P, WHAT’DJA DO TO YOUR LEGS, BEV?!”
Beverly: “I fell, Dad, I fell!”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “AW- MARTHA, COME OUT AND SEE WHAT BEVERLY DID TO HIS LEGS!” [laughter] You see his mom comes down and she’s this little halfling woman with big, bushy, curly brown hair and she goes, [as Martha Toegold] “Oh my god, Bev. Oh my god. Ohhh my god. I’m gonna- ”
[Martha Toegold has a low but soft voice that always sounds warm, but also vaguely panicked? A slightly Midwestern/Minnesotan type accent]
Beverly: “Mama- ”
DM Murph: [as Martha Toegold] “I’m gonna go get- I’m gonna go get you a sticky bun, honey- ” and she runs into the house-
Beverly: “I don’t need a sticky bun, I need a doctor! I need Merrick, Mama, I need Doctor Merrick!”
Hardwon: [loudly] “You know, you guys should be equal parts proud and ashamed of your son. He did some heroic things and some very, very stupid things.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Hey, were you drive- hey! Were you driving the carriage when this thing happened?!”
Hardwon: “Now look, he- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “I paid a lot of money for that carriage, sir! Okay? I don’t appreciate you crashing and breaking my boy’s two legs- ”
Beverly: “No- no- daddy, daddy, no no no no no, this is- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [screaming] “HE’S GOT LITTLE LEGS!”
Hardwon: “He’s got very, very strong legs; you gotta give your son a little more credit. This was not a carriage accident, okay?”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “I am NOT tipping for this, okay? I am not tipping for this- ”
Beverly: “Daddy, no- ”
Hardwon: [outraged] “Oh, you think I’m a fucking- ”
Beverly: “Papa- ”
Hardwon: “Yeah, you think I’m a- I’m a driver- yeah, you think I’m a hired guy- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [goading] “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”
Hardwon: [seething] “Ohhhhh.” I just unstrap Bev from my back, let him fall into a sack on the floor-
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “AWWW BEV! What the - what the heck happened?!”
Beverly: “I’m so sorry, Daddy, I was at the top of a really tall tower and I tried to do a little joke- you know how I like to do little jokes? I did the stand-up before and I got my patch?”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Beverly, you goofed?”
Beverly: “I goofed, Papa- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “You goofed and you got yourself hurt- ”
Beverly: “I goofed and I got myself hurt- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [yelling] “What’d I tell ya about goofin’!!!”
Beverly: [laughter] “Goofin’ only leads- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [screaming] “Bever, what’d I tell ya about goofin!”
Beverly: “If ya- if ya do a goof, ya end up a ghost. That’s what you always said Papa”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “That’s right! That’s right! You remember what happened to your Uncle Ronald, right?”
Beverly: “I remember Ronnie!”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “He was goofin’ around in a hot air balloon and he fell off!”
Beverly: “He fell right off.”
Hardwon: [loudly and sarcastically] “I’m sorry about your Uncle Ronnie, but that’s not entirely how this happ- you should be proud of your boy!”
Beverly: “We did some good things too, Papa.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Y’know what, Beverly- I was gonna give you a new sword for your graduation but now you get nothin’! You’re going straight to your room!”
Beverly: [disappointed] Awwwww- no, I, I need to go-
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “You’re going straight to your room, Bev!”
Beverly: “ Wait, no, dad- dad- I- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Straight to your room!!!”
Beverly: [yelling] “My legs are really messed up!”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Alright, alright, I’m gonna get- you know what, High Priest High Hill is a busy man, but I’m gonna get him on the line, alright?”
Beverly: [relieved] “Okay!”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “You two- alright, look, I’m not tippin’ ya but I’ll give ya five gold- who- ”
Moonshine: “I’ll take five gold, yeah!”
Hardwon: “Sounds like a tip to me!”
Beverly: “Dad, these are my new Scout Masters.”
Moonshine: “Scout- ”
Hardwon: “I’ll take the five gold.”
Moonshine: “I’m a Scout Mistress- ”
Hardwon: “I gave up a bunch of alcohol.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Scout Master?”
Beverly: “Scout Master Denny deputized them, don’t worry, they’re okay.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Denny’s a…. numb-nuts. Alright- ”
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: “I couldn’t agree more. Hi! Moonshine Cybin.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “How ya doin. Beverly Toegold IV, you killed my son.”
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: “Uh- well- arguably, I saved him quite a few times.”
Beverly: “It’s true!”
Hardwon: “Yeah, if you think his legs look bad now, you should have seen them before.”
Beverly: “Daddy, she healed me after I fell, I wouldn’t be alive without her.”
Hardwon: “When you say healed…. [laughter] your legs are still jello.”
Beverly: “It’s true.”
Moonshine: “Yeah, I just kinda- ”
Hardwon: “They’re not leaking as much.”
Moonshine: “- turned your legs inta little sacks for your broken bones.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Well, for P’s sake, Bev. Alright, well, thank you, I guess, for bringin’ him back in one piece even though his legs are skin-bags.”
Hardwon: “They are one piece though.”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Ya broke your walking sticks, Beverly- ”
Beverly: “I can’t look at em! Just don’t make me look at em- ”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “What the heck were ya doin’? Alright, y’know what? Everybody inside! Everybody goes up to Beverly’s room! Okay?! Everybody’s grounded! All three: one, two three!” He points to all three of you.
Beverly: “Aw, maaan!”
Moonshine: “Awwww.”
Hardwon: “Can we bring Paw Paw inside?”
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Huh- ohhh my goodness, ya got- Y’know what. I’m a Green Knight.” He takes a deep breath. [deep whooshing breath out] “I love all the animals. Even the weird ones. Bring in yer dang possum, okay?”
Hardwon: “Alright.”
Beverly: “Thanks, Papa.”
DM Murph: Cool. You guys open the door to go into the living room. It’s large but cozy, there’s a fire going in the fireplace, a Broomba! is sweeping the floor-
Beverly: [laughs uproariously]
DM Murph: [laughter] and you can smell Bev’s mom’s famous sticky buns cooking in the kitchen.
Beverly: “Oooooooh.”
DM Murph: There’s a beautiful oak dining table, as well as antique furniture and some cozy sitting chairs near the fire. You see as you guys walk in, there’s all this yelling from Bev’s dad and everything, and Bev’s mom just walks in and goes, [as Martha Toegold] “Oh, honey, have a- you should have a sticky bun.”
Beverly: “Thanks, Mom, did- ”
DM Murph: And then she gives you guys all sticky buns.
Beverly: “Did you have any -”
Hardwon: “Awesome.”
Beverly: “Do you have any mallow-cream to go with these?”
DM Murph: [as Martha Toegold] “Oh, of course, of course.”
Beverly: “Thank you, Mama.”
Moonshine: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [yelling] “Martha I said he’s going up to his room, he’s not gettin’ any sticky buns!”
Moonshine: “Uh, Hardwon, you want my sticky bun? It’s far too sweet.”
Hardwon: “I already ate mine, can I have yours?”
Moonshine: [muttering] “It’s sweet…”
DM Murph: [laughter] As you guys carry Beverly up the stairs, you hear him downstairs, [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Ah yeah, High Priest High Hill, I am so sorry, my, y’know, my boy was goofin’ around with his friends, broke his dang walkin’ sticks! He broke his dang two walkin’ sticks! I need you to come by, I know you’re busy, I know you’re busy, swear to P, I know it, but you come out here and, y’know, you’ll be doin’ the Toegolds a solid. I appreciate it, my friend…” You guys-
Beverly: [laughter] We’re up in the room?
DM Murph: You guys get up to Bev’s room. He’s got a beautiful artist’s rendering of the three legendary heroes, with Thiala standing in front. Various Green Teen badges all over the wall, and knick-knacks, science kits, and weird nerd-kid shit, like crystallized bugs. And then he’s also got this tiny, private balcony with a telescope.
Beverly: I can’t believe I-
Moonshine: Crystallized bugs?! [deeply concerned] I take one in my hand and I attempt to free it!
Beverly: “No, it was- it was dead before I crystallized it, don’t worry.”
Moonshine: “Oh, okay.”
Beverly: “It was humane, it’s a part of my Green Knight training, I gotta study it.”
DM Murph: They were like trapped in amber. They’re long dead.
Moonshine: I back down. I back down.
Beverly: I like that I have agreed to play this game where Murph just razzes me for my life decisions. [laughter] He just combines all of our dads into mega-dad. Um, alright, I guess I’m probably on the bed now.
DM Murph: You guys are in this room, Bev is on the bed.
Beverly: I do have Pelor bedsheets. They’re adorned with a sun emblem, I would say.
Moonshine: I’ll meander out to the patio and start lookin’ in people’s windows with that telescope.
Beverly: “That’s-!”
Moonshine: Again, innocently, Moonshine has no understanding of privacy-
Hardwon: “Why would they have these big, dome windows if they didn’t want people to look in them?”
Moonshine: “Yeaahhh! They got all these big- lettin’ all the sun, and all the peepers in!”
Beverly: I am appalled, because that’s what I do, but I don’t tell anyone that’s what I do with it.
DM Murph: [laughter] Are you using the telescope to do it?
Moonshine: Yeah!
DM Murph: Okay cool. You look into the house next door-
Moonshine: I’m just whistlin’ a tune.
DM Murph: Which is another halfling, hobbit-hole mansion, and there’s a window, and you look into it, and you see an older gentleman who looks a lot like Scoutmaster Denny-
Beverly: [laughter]
DM Murph: [laughter] He’s just sippin’ some cocoa, and he just makes direct eye contact with you, and he holds up his mug up, like, to say hello.
Moonshine: “Oh, Melora. You live next door to Scoutmaster Denny?!”
Beverly: “I mentioned that, yeah, we’re all family friends. Our dads know each other.”
Moonshine: “Oh, Melora…”
DM Murph: His dad’s name is Duncan Pebblepot.
Beverly: [laughter]
DM Murph: They’re the Pebblepots.
Hardwon: The Pebblepots?
DM Murph: The Pebblepots.
Beverly: [choking with laughter] Denny… Pebblepot….
Hardwon: “Notoriously craven.”
Moonshine: Yeahhh… I don’t need so much cravenness in my view. I put the telescope away.
Beverly: “They’ve done a lot of deals together. I guess, yeah, make yourselves home.”
Hardwon: What’s the ceiling situation like for me?
DM Murph: Since this is a mansion, they have really high ceilings for halflings, so Moonshine has like an inch or two over the top of her head, she can walk kind of safely. If she’s going into a doorway, she’ll probably bang her head. But, Hardwon, you definitely have to crane your neck to get anywhere.
Hardwon: So when Bev says make yourselves comfortable, I just sort of look at him like, this will never happen.
Beverly: I gesture towards the beanbag in the corner.
Hardwon: I plop down on it.
DM Murph: There ya go.
Beverly: [pained] “Do you guys want- there might be some drinks in the mini fridge if you want something-”
Hardwon: Hardwon starts rifling through the mini fridge.
DM Murph: You guys are up in Bev’s room for a little bit and after a little while, Bev’s dad comes up, and he goes: [as Beverly Toegold IV] “Alright, kiddo. We gotta have a little talk here.”
Beverly: [trepidatiously] "Okay."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Okay? So, you know we don't got a lotta family anymore, right?"
Beverly: "Yes, sir."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Okay, when I was growing up, I had six siblings, and now I got none. So I need you to stick around, kiddo, alright?"
Beverly: "Yes, sir."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Alright? We had... three Toegolds that died in the War Against the Giants.
Beverly: "Yes sir."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "We had two Toegolds that died in the War Against Asmodeus, and then we had [tearfully] your Uncle Ronald, who fell off a dang balloon. Okay? And he was goofin' around, okay?"
Beverly: "He was doin' a goof, he tried to do a backflip."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "He tried to do a backflip, and what happened to 'im, Beverly?"
Beverly: "He flipped right outta the dang balloon, sir!"
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "He flipped right outta the dang balloon. Okay? So I, y'know. I'm. I'm. Satisfied that you are okay, Beverly."
Beverly: "Yes, sir."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] And I. Am. Ha- I'm. It- it is good. That you are home. Okay? I- "
Hardwon: "You're really, you're goin' at length not to say you're happy- !"
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "I'm glad you're not dead!"
Hardwon: "Okay! There ya go."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] "I'm glad you're not dead. Okay?!"
Hardwon: "Let it out."
Beverly: "Wow. Really?!" [laughter]
DM Murph: After a little bit, Beverly's dad goes downstairs and you hear him welcoming Merrick High Hill and Merrick High Hill makes his way up the stairs. He's this older halfling man with grey hair and a kind face. He wears a dark green robe and a little hat- always little hats!- and a little hat made of leaves that looks kind of like the red hats a cardinal would wear. He's accompanied by several paladins in full plate-armor, representing different factions of the city's Holy Knights.
Moonshine: Are they halfling paladins?
DM Murph: No, they're all different races.
Moonshine: Ohh.
DM Murph: Mostly human, and then there's an elf, I'm gonna tell you about them.
Moonshine: What is Merrick, is he a, uh- ?
DM Murph: Merrick is a halfling.
Moonshine: He's a halfling.
DM Murph: Yes. There's an Oath of Devotion Paladin, aka a White Knight, an Oath of Ancients Paladin, aka a Green Knight like the Toegolds, and two members of the Chosen. You guys had heard about these on the Road to Galaderon, and Beverly knew about them. They're the kind of non-denominational paladins who just worship the light.
Hardwon: And that's who the Widow has been targeting?
DM Murph and Beverly: Yes.
Beverly: And that's who my dad calls knuckleheads.
DM Murph: Your dad calls them knuckleheads. And one of the Chosen guys is Galad Rosell, this tall, blonde-haired elf, super tanned with bright green eyes and a giant broadsword across his back. He wears full plate-armor and a white tabard with a gold star on it-
Beverly: [gasps]
DM Murph: -the symbol of the Chosen.
Beverly: [awed] "Sir Rosell! What are you doing here?"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell, breathy and a little bit nasally] "Well, I was with Merrick High Hill, and I heard that someone was in trouble, so I thought I would come by and say hi! But don't let me take all the attention, please, the High Priest is here."
Beverly: "Of course, sir."
DM Murph: And the High Priest walks over and he says, [as Merrick High Hill] "Beverly, it's been such a long time since I've seen you- "
Beverly: "Hi Doctor Merrick!"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill, a calm and soothing older voice] "Oh my goodness, what kind of trou- oh!" He walks over, he pulls the blanket off, and he sees your legs. "Oh, Beverly, what have you done to your legs?"
Beverly: "I... I... I goofed a god."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "You goofed a god? Oh my- wh- you know what, you don't goof a god, okay?"
Beverly: "I was just trying to follow-"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "De-gag, Beverly, de-gag- "
Beverly: "-you're right-"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "-you don't goof a god."
Beverly: "I was trying to follow Pelor's teachings, and bring light and joy and laughter to the world, and I-I went a little too far and-"
Hardwon: "The joke fell flat."
Beverly: "The joke, yeah, fell very flat."
Hardwon: "And Beverly also fell flat."
Beverly: [sadly] "My bones."
Moonshine: "He bombed at probably the worst possible time."
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: "He literally bombed out of a tower."
Hardwon: "Goof is also a real stretch- he basically tried to poison the god."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Oh, my goodness. Okay."
Moonshine: "Yeah, he tried to commit some sort of- what would you call it if you kill a god?"
Beverly: "Uhhh, oh, uh, deicide."
Moonshine: "Deicide- he tried to commit deicide."
Beverly: [laughter] I say that and I cough up more blood.
DM Murph: [laughter] [as Merrick High Hill] "My goodness, okay, Beverly. Y'know what, why don't we relax? We'll start the ritual-"
Beverly: [sighing in relief] "Okay, oh, thank you."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "-the Greater Restoration to bring your legs back. Let me, y-" he leans in to Beverly, "Why don't you sing a song? Why don't you sing a little Green Teen tune?" and he sets your leg and you hear it snaps- [making bone cracking noises].
Beverly: [laughter] [singing] "Pelor is here to make us feel- [intense, extended screaming] Oh god!"
DM Murph: [laughter] He goes through the ritual, uh-
Hardwon: "That was just one leg, too?"
Beverly: [deliriously] "Uh-huh."
DM Murph: -repairing Beverly's legs, it's like a ten, fifteen minute ritual of him hovering his hands, his eyes glowing green, his hands glowing green, hovering over each individual part of Beverly's legs. You see the bones reconnecting and his leg taking form again.
Moonshine: Moonshine watches with like... ultimate fascination. She's not even disgusted, she's like, into it.
Hardwon: Hardwon reaches for Beverly's other sticky bun.
[all laugh]
Beverly: The one that I-I'm trying to put it in my mouth.
Hardwon: The one that-your mom just brought back, with your cream on it.
Moonshine: [laughter] I look at Hardwon and I'm like, "Are you worried about that core? I heard a lot about that core."
DM Murph: You see Galad-
Hardwon: [laughter] Hardwon's gonna get a little fat.
DM Murph: Galad Rosell-
Hardwon: [laughter] It's all the sliders.
DM Murph: Galad Rosell-
Moonshine: [laughter] Sliders and stickybuns!
DM Murph: -leans into Hardwon. [as Galad Rosell] "Careful with the sticky buns, buddy."
Hardwon: I eat the entire thing in one bite.
[all laugh]
Hardwon: [quietly] I whomped on that motherfucker.
DM Murph: Merrick High Hill finishes his ritual, he looks extremely tired and drained after it. He's sort of this jolly- he does kind of have the manner of a pediatrician, like, goofin' around and stuff, but he is very tired and very drained after repairing your legs, but your legs do feel better.
Beverly: Uh, do I-I wiggle my toes a little bit.
DM Murph: You wiggle your toes, you feel your toes, you feel good-
Hardwon: [under his breath] Mhm, those golden toes-
Beverly: "I feel!"
DM Murph: You feel exhausted, you have like one level of exhaustion right now, so mechanically you'd get disadvantages on skill checks and stuff, but you'll be okay after a long rest.
Beverly: Alright, cool.
Moonshine: I go over to Merrick and I say, "Are you- do you have a moment?"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Yeah, wh-"
Moonshine: "Ah, so, my little rodent companion, he's got all these soft spots and I was just-"
Beverly: [belly laughing, leaning back from the mic]
Moonshine: "I was just takin’ ‘em to be, yknow, in his nature, but since I got a professional here, maybe I could run his soft spots by you?"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Mm. Yeah, I could take a little look at that, okay." So, you see he picks up Paw Paw, and he's also- he's a nature domain cleric, so, he likes little critters and stuff so, Paw Paw immediately kinda takes a liking to him and just allows him to do whatever he wants. This dude just starts pressing into Paw Paw's soft spots in his head-
Hardwon: [making fussy possum noises] "Reer! Reer!"
Moonshine: [laughter]
DM Murph: He's just making sounds and his eyes are bugging out and his tongue keeps rolling out and everything-
Hardwon: Like one of those stress, squeezy uh-finger guys
[all laugh]
DM Murph: -and he hands him back to Moonshine and he goes, [as Merrick High Hill] "Seems, seems actually quite healthy, has he been eating health potions, or...?"
Moonshine: "Oh, yeah, he lapped up some- well, honestly, he lapped up a lot of dirt with those health potions so I thought maybe they'd cancel each other out, but, okay, good! So the soft spots are okay?"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Soft spots are fine." He laughs and says, "You're a good mother."
Moonshine: "Noo, actually, I'm not a mother, I'm going out of my way not to be a mother. Very fertile. It'd be easy-”
DM Murph: You see he looks extremely-
Moonshine: " -easy, it'd be hard not to get pregnant, honestly."
DM Murph: He looks extremely confused, and Beverly's dad puts his arm around Merrick High Hill, and goes [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Alright, let's get, let's get ya back, let's get ya back to the church district. Why don't we, uh, I'll walk 'im home. Why don't we let Beverly get a little rest?"
Beverly: [pained, whispering] "Wait, wait!" I grab his robes before he goes. "Moonshine, what about- what about the Crick Rot?"
Moonshine: "....oooooohhhhh, Melora! How could it escape me!"
Beverly: [laughter] "You were so caught up-"
Moonshine: "Ohhhhhhh, Melora, forgive me for my absent mind! [casually] One more thing-" I just tug on his robe like a toddler-
Beverly: [laughter] We all-
Hardwon: [indecipherable] "-to Paw Paw, my entire people is being poisoned."
Moonshine: "Yes! I'm so sorry, these-"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "You don't all have to tug on my robe, it's quite alright, you could just speak to me, we're all in a small room."
Moonshine: I stop speaking to him and I'm playing with his robe in my finger.
[all laugh]
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "I am a holy man, please don't flirt with me."
Beverly: [weakly] "It's normal, this is all very normal for her."
Moonshine: "Um, I'm a Crick elf-"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Of course."
Moonshine: "I don't know if it's obvious or not-
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Yes, it's extremely obvious-"
Moonshine: "-I don't know how much I wear it on my sleeve. Or my pant-leg. What is Crick Rot? What is goin'- what are you doin' to heal my people?"
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "Well, I'm doing the best that I can, I'm doing pretty much exactly what I did with young Beverly here. I'm casting Greater Restoration spells to cure them of the curse, but it's not quite going away."
Moonshine: "Okay."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "It is an extreme demonic influence."
Moonshine: "Okay, so you know that it's demonic. And what do you think is happenin'? Ya got any theories? It's also fine if you don't."
Beverly: [laughter]
DM Murph: He thinks about it for a little bit. "Somethin' ain't right. I think somethin' ain't right at the Crick."
Moonshine: "Thank you-thank you so much."
Beverly: [pained] "Thank you Doctor Merrick."
Moonshine: "Thank you Doctor Merrick."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "I'm-I'm a high priest."
Beverly: [laughter]
Hardwon: "Thank you, High Priest Merrick."
DM Murph: [as Merrick High Hill] "...Thank you." You see Bev's dad puts an arm around him. [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Alright, I think it's time to get him back, I'll walk him back," and you see, Galad says, [as Galad Rosell] "Do you mind if I stick around so I can speak to young Beverly?"
Beverly: "MeeEEE?!"
DM Murph: [laughter] Beverly IV gives kind of a weird look and then he looks over to Hardwon and Moonshine and goes, [as Beverly Toegold IV] "Just keep an eye on him, he's kind of a whacko..."
Beverly: [laughter]
Moonshine: "’kay."
Hardwon: "You got it."
DM Murph: [as Beverly Toegold IV] [begrudgingly] "Alright, yeah, alright, if you want to talk to the kid, yeah, go-go ahead, go nuts." Beverly's dad and Merrick High Hill and the other Paladins exit and you guys are left there with Galad. Galad bends down and says, [as Galad Rosell] "Are you alright, young Toegold?"
Beverly: "After Doctor Merrick's healing words, I'm feeling much better, thank you, sir!"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "Well, you know, as a Toegold, you're the future of the Green Knights, and someday maybe you'll even make captain like your dad, and in that case we're gonna have to work together. And we're all brothers and sisters of the light, regardless of our specific denomination, so as an act of good will, I brought you this."
Beverly: [gasps softly]
DM Murph: And he pulls out a beautiful, masterwork longsword with elvish script across the blade. And he hands it to you.
Beverly: "Oh my goodness."
Moonshine: "I dunno about this."
Beverly: I know elvish, so I read the inscription.
DM Murph: It says, "Stay cool - Galad Rosell" on it.
[all laugh uproariously]
DM Murph: It's literally an autographed sword.
Beverly: [laughter] Ohhhh my god. "Oh my gosh, this is an autographed original! Oh wow, there's a-"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] [excitedly] "You could get quite a bit of gold for that, I am the greatest swordsman-"
Hardwon: Hardwon's like "Oh, that must, that must say something beautiful," ‘til he finds out and he's like, "Uh-"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "It does, it says 'Stay cool.'"
Hardwon: "And then you signed it."
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "And then I signed it."
Hardwon: "Alright, nevermind."
Beverly: [awed] "He signed in elvish!"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "Yeahhh."
Beverly: "That's really hard to write!"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "That's me... the White Rose of Galaderon!"
Beverly: Is he an elf?
DM Murph: Yes. He's a high elf.
Hardwon: Oooh.
Moonshine: "Hi. I'm a Crick elf."
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] [so earnestly] "Hello, my sister!" And he gives you a hug.
Moonshine: "Okay. I was about to question you, but have I ever met a high elf who has so thoroughly embraced a Crick?!"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "We are brothers and sisters in the Light!"
Moonshine: I reciprocate the hug and just hold on until he breaks free.
DM Murph: [laughter] He doesn't break free, you guys are just-
Moonshine: Okay, then we're-
DM Murph: -just, sharing a tight hug.
Beverly: Y'all are just playing hug chicken.
Hardwon: For so, so long.
Beverly: "Um, Sir-Sir Rosell?"
Moonshine: [laughter] He's still hugging me.
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "Yes." Yeah, he's still hugging Moonshine, he looks over his shoulder. [as Galad Rosell] "Yes, young Beverly?"
Beverly: "As a fellow paladin, I must confess to you I've been having dark moments where I doubt the sincerity and the light of Pelor. What can I do, what path should I pursue?"
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "You know, young Beverly, the Light flows through all of us, it doesn't matter what god you worship. We are all united under the Light! Even you," and he turns to Hardwon. "Eater of Sticky Buns! You are-"
Hardwon: "That's not the only thing I do."
DM Murph: [as Galad Rosell] "-my brother of the Light!"
Moonshine: "Nah, that's what we call him too."
Hardwon: "You don't call me sticky bun."
DM Murph: "I'm gonna start calling you sticky bun."
Moonshine: "Hardwon, you're a sticky bun."
Hardwon: "No, please do not."
Beverly: "Sir Rosell, are you hosting youth group this week?"
DM Murph: "I'm not. I'm actually- I'm going to be quite busy with Merrick High Hill becoming the new High Septon in just a few days."
Beverly: "Darn. I hope we can have a jam session. I've just picked up this flute and I would love to sing some of the hymns of the Light with you some time."
DM Murph: "You know what? I would love that, Beverly. I would love that-"
Hardwon: Hardwon feels his wood block in his pocket. He feels a little hurt.
[laughter]
DM Murph: Suddenly, you guys hear a voice from outside on Beverly's balcony. [dramatic sounding woman’s voice] "Finally it looks like I'll be able to outnumber you, Rosell!" You guys turn and look.
Moonshine: "Your telescope's talkin'."
Beverly: "What?"
DM Murph: And you see the Widow. You guys see the Widow standing on the railing of Bev's balcony. She's wearing a long black cloak with hood pulled over her face, but you see her hands and her chin are pale white. Galad turns to her [as Galad] "the Widow! Oathbreaker!" and she says "What do you say we step outside so we don't have to harm this nice little halfling family?"
Beverly: I try to get out if bed and fall down immediately
DM Murph: Yeah, Beverly, you're super exhausted. You can walk but you feel a little bit wobbly and Galad holds you back and says "This is just between us, Widow, " and the Widow laughs. She crackles and then disappears and Misty Steps. [as Galad, with urgency] "Your family could be in danger, we need to get downstairs now!" and he rushes out of the room
Beverly: "Okay."
Moonshine: Y'all, can we just out of character for a second say what if Thiala is the Widow?
Hardwon: Ooh.
Beverly: Oh, shit.
Moonshine: Is anyone else thinking that? ‘cause he called her the Oathbreaker and we just found out that Thiala was on her way to Galaderon and that she broke some kind of oath.
Beverly: It seems extremely possible.
Hardwon: Damn.
Moonshine: Was anyone else thinking that?
Hardwon: No, but I'm not smart.
Beverly: No. [laughter] Yeah, I've proven it time and time again. Not smart.
Moonshine: Okay.
Hardwon: And I just don't like Galad
DM Murph: [laughs hysterically]
Hardwon: But I don't know, he might be a good guy, but he's just a douche.
Moonshine: I was ready to be like ‘fuck this guy’, ‘cause I was like, ‘what are you doing, handing out weapons?’ and he seemed into himself, but then he was a high elf that embraced a Crick elf, so Moonshine's just like-
Hardwon: Maybe he's- yeah, he might just be a wacko as- is that what, that's what the Fourth calls them.
Beverly: He could be a good egg!
DM Murph: He calls them a knucklehead.
Hardwon: Oh yeah, knucklehead. He might just be a knucklehead so not like an evil dude.
Beverly: Yeah, the Chosen probably have some bad eggs in their rank, I think Galad could be a good egg, potentially.
Moonshine: Okay, so what just ha- sorry, I got really distracted by that and then excited about-
DM Murph: Sure, yeah. So, the Widow Misty Stepped out of the balcony-
Hardwon: We don't know where.
DM Murph: You don't know where, but Galad said that your family might be in danger, ‘cause your mom's downstairs, Beverly.
Beverly: “Mommy!”
DM Murph: So, Galad took off down the stairs.
Hardwon: Alright. So I'm just like, "The sticky buns!"
[laughter]
Hardwon: Straight through the door.
DM Murph: Is everybody going out?
Beverly: Yeah.
Moonshine: Yeah!
Beverly: I summon all my strength.
Hardwon: Can Beverly walk?
DM Murph: Beverly can walk. He's got one level of exhaustion, so he's for all intents and purposes fine.
Beverly: Would I have had a chance to inspect this sword? Like maybe just get like a-
DM Murph: Oh yes, it's a +1 sword.
Beverly: Oooh.
DM Murph: So you get +1 to your attacks and +1 to your damage.
Beverly: Niice!
DM Murph: Your attack bonus and your damage goes up.
Beverly: Hell yeah.
DM Murph: So, you guys rush down the stairs, you get into the living room. Bev's mom has no idea that anything's wrong. She's like, "Oh, Galad, don't leave without any sticky buns! You-you gotta have it. You gotta eat. You gotta eat." She tries to give Galad sticky buns and he says "I'm sorry, I know it's rude to refuse sticky buns, but I must be going."
Hardwon: I grab one. You guys can call me Hardbun from now on.
[laughter]
DM Murph: So, you guys open the door and you see the Widow standing on a ledge over, like, a cliff and you see in front of her, there are eight Chosen paladins who have been zombified. So, they have the white tabards but they're all ripped, they've got big holes in them, their faces are caked with blood and their eyes are milky white. The Widow holds her hand up as if keeping them at bay and Galad says, "Ah. Brothers and sisters of the light! How could you do this? Rosaline, strike true!"
[laughter]
DM Murph: You see he's talking to his sword. He pulls out his big sword named Rosaline. "I shall free my people from your demonic presence, Widow!" And she says, "This is between us. Get those other three out of here." What do you guys do?
Hardwon: I'm not going anywhere.
Beverly: Oh shit. I think yeah, we- I draw my sword.
DM Murph: Alright, everybody roll initiative.
Hardwon: Woo! 18!
Moonshine: I also got 18, but that's 20!
Hardwon: Ooh.
DM Murph: Woooow.
Beverly: I got a 14. And I'm fine with that!
DM Murph: You guys all rolled really well.
Hardwon: Nice.
Beverly: Woo!
Moonshine: Yeah.
DM Murph: So good for you. So, Moonshine, you're first.
Moonshine: Okay. So, I'm gonna take out my sending stone.
DM Murph: You're gonna call Ol’ Cobb?
Moonshine: Yeah.
Hardwon: That's fucking smart!
Beverly: Oh, good!
Hardwon: I totally forgot that we had to do that at the start of the round.
Moonshine: I'm gonna call Ol’ Cobb. I should have done it before we ran out but-
DM Murph: It's gonna take a full action for you, ‘cause this is all just a matter of seconds.
Moonshine: Yeah, but I still get a bonus action, right?
DM Murph: Yeah, you could call Ol' Cobb and do a bonus action, sure.
Moonshine: Yeah, so then I'm gonna call Ol' Cobb, Shillelagh, so I'll light my staff-
DM Murph: Okay, yeah.
Moonshine: -and then I'm gonna Spores the girl.
DM Murph: The Widow? The Widow's further back than everyone else. She's got the eight guys in front of her and she's kind of in the back commanding them.
Moonshine: Then I'm just gonna Spores one of her friggin henchmen.
DM Murph: You actually cannot do poison damage to a zombie.
Hardwon: Can we at least hear what Ol' Cobb's voicemail sounds like?
DM Murph: Oh, so you're gonna talk to- you didn't get his voicemail. [as Ol' Cobb] "This is Ol' Cobb."
Hardwon: "Oh, he's on the horn."
Moonshine: "Oh, Ol' Cobb in person! Ol' Cobb, we're standing in front of- this is so weird to be talking on the phone in the middle of a battle but we are standing in front of the Black Widow."
DM Murph: "Tell Ol' Cobb where you're at."
Beverly: "We're at the corner of Goldsten and Wivledeen."
DM Murph: "Alright. I'll ask around some of the fancy folks. Ol' Cobb out."
Moonshine: "Yeah. Yeah, you know I could also maybe send Paw Paw- No no no, no no- just ask the fancy folks."
DM Murph: "Alright, Ol' Cobb out for real this time."
Moonshine: "And make sure-"
Hardwon: "Ol' Cobb's funny."
Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, make sure you've got bullets in that blunderbuss. Nothing silly!"
DM Murph: "No more teeth. Ol' Cobb out for real for real this time."
Hardwon: "Man, he makes me laugh."
DM Murph: Ol' Cobb hangs up. That is you, Hardwon.
Moonshine: "Funniest guy at the Crick"
Hardwon: Dope.
Moonshine: "Crick Cut Up, is what we call him."
Hardwon: I'm gonna sort of shoulder Galad aside. "Watch this."
[laughter]
DM Murph: Going after one of the zombies?
Hardwon: Going after one of the zombies.
DM Murph: Cool.
Hardwon: And that is a na- ooh 20! not a nat, though.
DM Murph: 20 to hit? That hits. They are wearing plate mail so they're a little harder to hit than a lot of the guys you guys have been fighting, but a 20 certainly hits.
Hardwon: Okay, oh and I reroll the 2. Thank you Nathan.
[laughter]
Hardwon: That is a 12.
DM Murph: 12 damage? Cool. You slash right into him. One of the guy's arms rips off. You cut his arm right off and he looks fine, he just goes [long groan].
Hardwon: Okay, let's see if I can chop off the other one because I do get a second attack now.
DM Murph: You got a second attack. You're level 5, baby.
Hardwon: Do I roll the 20 again for the second attack? I do, yeah.
DM Murph: [exasperated] Yes!
Hardwon: [earnestly] Of course. Of course.
DM Murph: Of course!
Hardwon: I was kidding! Everybody at home, that was a fucking joke! And that was a 19.
Beverly: We do jokes on the show.
DM Murph: 19 hits.
Hardwon: Yes.
DM Murph: Good for you!
Hardwon: Ooh boy. Fucking level up!
DM Murph: Good for you rolling good!
Hardwon: And that is a... 17 for damage.
DM Murph: 17 damage? Geez. This guy is on death's door.
Hardwon: I'm brutal. I look back and I wink at fucking Galad.
DM Murph: You slash his head off and his head is hanging by a thread but he's still standing and dragging his broadsword. "There's no pleasure in this. These were once my friends!"
[laughter]
Hardwon: "Not mine."
DM Murph: And then you see Galad charges forward at one of the zombie paladins and goes "Rosaline strike true!"
[laughter]
Hardwon: "You already said that, man."
DM Murph: "Rosaline, free these people from their prison!"
Beverly: "Go Rosaline!"
DM Murph: [laughter] Beverly loves it.
Hardwon: I shoot a look at Bev.
DM Murph: And he hits on the first one. Oh boy, he does 18 damage on the first swing.
Beverly: Nice.
DM Murph: He takes a second swing and he hits and he does another 17 dama- you see, he fully decapitates this one and swings his sword around and goes "Thank you, Rosaline, you have freed them to the Light!"
[laughter]
Hardwon: "Not bad. Not bad, man."
DM Murph: And then he takes a third swing at another one next to him.
Moonshine: "Yo, are you watching this, Hardwon?"
DM Murph: And he hits.
Hardwon: "Watching what?"
DM Murph: He hits for another 18.
Hardwon: "Fuck."
[laughter]
DM Murph: That is... the Widow.
Hardwon: It's the sound-
DM Murph: You see the Widow is going to rush up and take a slash at Galad and she misses on her first swing, but she takes a second swing and she hits for 15 regular damage and she does like a necrotic smite-
Hardwon: Oh shit.
DM Murph: -for another 14 damage. So she slashes into Galad and you see this explosion of black dark energy as disease festers on his neck, and he goes, "Ah! Stay away from me, heretic!" and then it is Bev's turn.
Moonshine: Does it look like Crick Rot? The disease that festers on him?
DM Murph: He's not like actually diseased, he's just, really quickly as he was slashed, it was this disgusting festering disease.
Moonshine: Okay.
Beverly: Yeah, since these are undead I think I'm going to cast Shield of Faith right off the bat and I'm gonna cast it on Galad.
DM Murph: Aw, dope. Galad is super armored now.
Beverly: Yeah.
DM Murph: "Thank you."
Beverly: "Cast off this darkness, Galad! You and Rosaline must fight another day!"
Hardwon: I like to think as Bev is preparing this spell I think it's coming to me and I step up proudly. "Thanks Be- Oh-oh. Alright. Good. Yeah. No, he could use it. He could use it."
DM Murph: "Thank you, Beverly, it is an honor to be your hero."
Beverly: "Give Rosaline a kiss for me!" I wink.
Hardwon: "He didn't say that."
DM Murph: He kisses Rosaline.
Beverly: And then I'm going to Divine Smite the nearest one.
DM Murph: Cool. There's one that's really hurt that Galad got with his second attack, or there's just a full health one. Whichever one you-
Beverly: Why don't you do the full health one.
DM Murph: Okay. So do a regular attack and then see if you hit.
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: ‘Cause it's actually kinda hard to hit these guys, Galad's just really strong.
Beverly: That's 11 plus 8 with my longsword.
DM Murph: That hits. That hits.
Beverly: Great.
DM Murph: You actually do 3d8s against undead.
Beverly: 3d8s. Yeah. That's what it is.
DM Murph: So you're gonna roll 4d8s for damage here and then add your damage at the end.
Beverly: That's an 8 again!
DM Murph: Bev's turning a new leaf.
Beverly: Yeah.
DM Murph: Since he met Galad.
[laughter]
Beverly: Yeah.
DM Murph: Hardwon doesn't have a thing to do with it.
Hardwon: Bev is Galad-ened.
[laughter]
DM Murph: What did you get total?
Beverly: I have an 8 and a 2 and... a 7, plus another 8.
Hardwon: Holy shit!
DM Murph: Wooow.
Moonshine: [impressed cry]
Beverly: Plus the 7 attack damage, right?
DM Murph: Wow. You do the perfect amount of damage. You do exactly what Hardwon did. You slash its head off. Its head is hanging off by just a flap of skin but it stays standing as it goes back to 1hp.
Beverly: Okay. Oh, so it doesn't die?
DM Murph: It does not die. But you get a second attack.
Beverly: I charge up my sword with my amulet and I stab down.
DM Murph: Perfect. Take a swing.
Beverly: That's 12 plus... not nat 20.
DM Murph: Oh, perfect. That hits.
Beverly: Great.
DM Murph: I mean he's at 1hp, he's not gonna be able to recover from the amount of damage that you do here so finish him.
Beverly: Oh great. Yeah. I think I-
DM Murph: "Strike true, young Beverly!"
Beverly: Yeah, I look to Galad-
Hardwon: "Yeah. Strike true, Bev!"
Beverly: I look to Galad, I give him a thumbs up and it's also, like Moonshine, not a very good thumbs up.
[laughter]
Beverly: My sword fills with light and I say, "Rosaline Two, strike true!"
[laughter]
DM Murph: You strike true with your blade cutting into the zombie's chest and it explodes in a flash of white light. That is the zombies. Weird thing. None of them attack you guys, they all go after Galad.
Beverly: Oh no.
Hardwon: Okay.
DM Murph: So Galad gets surrounded by all these zombies.
Moonshine: Oh, because they've probably all been commanded.
Beverly: Mmmm.
Hardwon: But they're attacking the Light- that's what like Galad represents, right?
Moonshine: But I think that they've been- I think she raised these dead and then told them 'kill Galad' ‘cause she's trying to assassinate him.
Hardwon: Maybe ‘cause he's a bad guy. We still don't know.
Moonshine: True. Let's just operate like he's good and she's bad.
Hardwon: Oh no, yeah, yeah.
Beverly: Yeah.
Hardwon: But I don't trust the motherfucker.
DM Murph: There are six guys left. Two guys hit Galad for a total of only 16 damage. But they do- you notice they have a Spores-type ability. They're letting out a wretch foul breath that is doing poison damage to Galad. He takes-
Moonshine: I can't help but kind of study it and be like "Huh."
DM Murph: So he takes an additional 23 damage from that.
Beverly: How goopy are they?
DM Murph: Oh, they're super goopy.
Beverly: Oh man.
DM Murph: Especially the guy- there's one guy whose head is hanging off, he's at 1hp.
Beverly: Guys, it's okay, my mom can do laundry after this.
[laughter]
DM Murph: So that is back up to you, Moonshine.
Moonshine: "Y'all, so I'm just gonna do a Tidal Wave."
[laughter]
Beverly: "Surf's Up."
DM Murph: Okay.
Moonshine: Moonshine summons a Tidal Wave of Crick water. Exclusively of Crick water, so remember it's like a little alcoholic and is somewhat flammable.
Beverly: Oh yeah.
Hardwon: Appreciate that.
DM Murph: This is going to hit Galad. Are you cool with that?
Moonshine: Ohh.
DM Murph: Cause all of the zombies are surrounding Galad.
Moonshine: Motherfucker, what do I do here?
Hardwon: Hit him, we can cure him afterwards.
Beverly: Yeah.
Moonshine: Yeah, but you want him dead.
Hardwon: Yeah, of course I do.
Moonshine: Alright.
DM Murph: [Galad] "Do what you need to do, Moonshine."
Moonshine: Moonshine has already summoned a Tidal Wave of Crick water and she's hesitating on whether or not she should use it-
DM Murph: [panicked] "Wait, what's that? What's going on? What's that?"
Hardwon: "You said do what she needs to do."
Moonshine: "Alright." [Explosive release sound]
DM Murph: Oh man, you-
Beverly: "Wait, no! Galad is also-"
Moonshine: And I send the Tidal Wave.
DM Murph: It's cool. Galad saves. Galad saves... three of them save, three of them don't save and the Widow saves.
Beverly: I like to think that Galad is also a teetotaler, so this is gonna be bad for him if he gets any in his mouth.
Moonshine: 23 for anyone who didn't save.
DM Murph: So you fully kill two of the zombies and the Widow, Galad, and the other zombies take a little bit of damage.
Hardwon: Hell yeah.
Moonshine: Haha!
Hardwon: Way to go.
DM Murph: You see as the Widow takes the hit, she goes, "Ugh, this isn't your fight! Get out of here."
Moonshine: "Whatever, Thiala!"
Hardwon: Did she- yeah?
Moonshine: Did she react? Did she react?
Hardwon: Do we see her eyes? Do we see her eyes a little bit?
Beverly: She's wearing a mask. Or she has a hood.
DM Murph: She does have a hood. Roll a perception check.
Moonshine: Ooh. I got 17.
DM Murph: 17? She has no reaction.
Moonshine: Damn, she must have rolled well. That sounds like something Thiala would do.
DM Murph: That is you, Hardwon.
Hardwon: Alright, I'm gonna swing at one of the healthier- whatever the healthiest zombie is.
DM Murph: Cool
Hardwon: That is a... 22.
DM Murph: That hits.
Hardwon: And that is a... 11.
DM Murph: Dope. You slash right into this guy.
Hardwon: Then I guess I'm gonna take my second attack at that same guy.
DM Murph: Okay.
Hardwon: Oh damn, but that was a nat 2.
DM Murph: Ha! You swing and you miss. The first one to miss this whole fight.
[laughter]
Moonshine: Oh no!
DM Murph: Galad says, "It's okay Hardbun, you'll get them next time!"
Hardwon: "Don't call me Hardbun!"
DM Murph: "Okay Stickybun, you'll be fine."
Hardwon: "That's worse."
DM Murph: "Perhaps you need to name your axe? Rosaline always strikes true."
Hardwon: Hardwon silently starts pondering a name for his axe.
[laughter]
DM Murph: Galad takes a shot at the guy that you just missed. And he misses as well!
Hardwon: [gleefully] Alright.
[laughter]
Hardwon: "It's okay, Galad."
Beverly: "Wow, I'm filled with doubt!"
DM Murph: "Don't worry, I'll get him with my second swing," and he does.
Hardwon: Oh. I got him with my first.
DM Murph: So he gets another-
Beverly: "We're all trying our best."
DM Murph: 17 damage. So this dude is super fucked up and he takes his third swing... and he rolls a nat 1. Galad really goofs on that last one.
Hardwon: He inhaled too much Crick water.
Moonshine: [laughter]
DM Murph: "Sorry, I was trying to impress people, I shouldn't do that."
Beverly: "Wow."
Moonshine: [Impressed] "Huh. Crick humility in a high elf. Never have I ever."
DM Murph: And you see the Widow looks at you guys and she goes, "I don't wanna have to kill you!" and she [woosh] Misty Steps out of there. The Widow's gone.
Moonshine: What?
Beverly: Can we track her?
DM Murph: She's gone.
Beverly: Shit.
Moonshine: Can I Misty Step chase her?
DM Murph: Maybe. We'll see on your turn. The Widow disappears and that is your turn, Bev.
Beverly: Okay, how many zombies are remaining?
DM Murph: There are four.
Beverly: And are they still acting despite the Widow?
DM Murph: They are still acting. Now that the Widow is gone, it seems like they're kind of now just mindless zombies, so they will probably attack you if they get on you.
Beverly: Okay. Then I'll just- yeah, I'll just hack and slash them. Cool. Cool. Yeah, let's go after some zombies.
DM Murph: There's one guy who's like a little hurt, two guys that are healthy and one guy that's very hurt.
Beverly: I'll slash at the guy that's a little hurt right now.
DM Murph: Okay, cool.
Beverly: That's a 19 plus my bonus which is gonna be 7. 27 I guess? Yeah.
DM Murph: Cool. Yeah, that super hits.
Beverly: That's 5 plus 8, so yeah, 13.
DM Murph: He is very hurt but still alive.
Beverly: Okay, I'll attack again then.
DM Murph: Cool.
Beverly: That's gonna be 17.
DM Murph: 17 does not hit.
Beverly: Oh no!
DM Murph: You bang off his plate mail-
Beverly: "Dang!"
DM Murph: -as he kind of shifts in a drunken stumble. A drunken zombie stumble.
Beverly: Yeah, and I say, "It's okay, because Galad misses sometimes too."
DM Murph: "That's right. We all miss. Even Rosaline." Now it's the zombies' turn. The zombies now are gonna divide their attention now that they're being attacked by you guys, so two of the zombies are gonna stay on Galad and two of them are gonna turn to Beverly because he's swinging on 'em. So the first zombie takes a swing with his great sword. That's an 11 to hit. That does not hit. Then he's going to try to bite you... and that's a 19 to hit.
Beverly: My AC is 19, so yeah.
DM Murph: Okay, so that hits. That is-
Hardwon: Does that turn Bev into a zombie. Is that how it works in D&D too?
DM Murph: No, It's not Resident Evil rules. That's 4 damage but then he- as he bites into you he spits out this green mist that does another 6 damage to you.
Beverly: "Ah, my favorite colour!"
Moonshine: [in awe] They're doing 6 damage. Damn.
DM Murph: Then another guy takes a swing on you Bev, and he missed with his greatsword he tries to bite you and he's gonna successfully bite you for-
Hardwon: Damn, I'd rather get hit with the sword.
DM Murph: 7 damage and then another 6 damage.
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: As he bites into you he spits the green mist at you.
Beverly: So 23 altogether?
DM Murph: Yeah.
Beverly: Great.
DM Murph: And then the other two guys are gonna take their swings at Galad. This one guy hits him with the greatsword for 7 damage and then takes another- or goes in to bite him. Misses on the bite but sprays the green mist at him for 6 damage. The other guy swings at him with the greatsword and misses. Tries to bite him and successfully bites him for 4 damage and then does the green mist. That is you, Moonshine.
Moonshine: Okay.
Hardwon: How fucked up is Galad right now?
DM Murph: Galad is looking a little fucked up, but he has a lot of HP.
Hardwon: Got it.
Moonshine: So Moonshine is going to quick take a thwack at one of these zombies. Who looks hurt?
DM Murph: Cool.
Moonshine: I run up, thwack him. Is... Oh, that's definitely going to hit, but I'll ask anyway. Is a 19 gonna hit?
DM Murph: It does, barely though, so...
Moonshine: Oh. Okay. Wow.
Beverly: Yeah, they're wearing armor.
Hardwon: Less cockiness.
Moonshine: That was- okay. I'm sorry everyone.
Hardwon: A little bit of Crick humility!
DM Murph: Excuse you. Yeah.
Moonshine: Yeah, you're right. You're right.
DM Murph: Excuse you very much.
Moonshine: And then that's gonna hit him for... 8.
DM Murph: You slash into him. You cut him in half, but the top of his body is still moving. He goes back up to 1HP.
Moonshine: And then as my bonus action I shout "Thiala, I just wanna talk to you, girl!" and then I try to Misty Step to follow her.
Beverly: Great.
DM Murph: Give me a perception check to find her.
Moonshine: Ooh, that's gonna be... 24.
DM Murph: You find her on the rooftop of a nearby house about thirty feet away, heading towards-
Moonshine: Is it friggin Denny's house?
DM Murph: It's not Denny's house.
Moonshine: Okay.
DM Murph: Denny's house is on the other side.
Moonshine: ‘Cause I'd love to fuck up that house.
DM Murph: You Misty Step over to her and you're on that roof with her right now.
Moonshine: And I say, "Girl, why are you going after this Galad guy? Truthfully, I'm trying to understand who to trust here."
DM Murph: "He killed my husband."
Moonshine: "Ulfgar?"
DM Murph: And that is Hardwon's turn.
Hardwon: Shit. I'm gonna sort of hip check Galad out of my way a little bit and swing at the zombie that was-
DM Murph: [as Galad] "There's room for all of us"
Hardwon: "No, I'm pretty big, man." And that's a nat 1,
DM Murph: You bump into Galad and kinda lose the grip on your axe.
Hardwon: [jokingly] I drop it.
Beverly: [bantering back] You break your hip.
Hardwon: "I got this. [clang] Oh- aw, shit." I'm gonna take my second action, though.
DM Murph: Cool.
Hardwon: Pick up the axe. Swing again. And that is only a... fucking 17.
DM Murph: And that does not hit.
Hardwon: Alright, I'm Action Surging.
DM Murph: Do it up.
Beverly: Yeah.
Hardwon: ... 12.
[laughter]
DM Murph: How do you miss on the Action Surge?
Hardwon: Goddamn!
DM Murph: You can attack again with Action Surge cause it gives you another action so you can do two attacks.
Hardwon: Oh great. So I'm 0 for 3.
DM Murph: 0 for 3! Go for 0 for 4, dude.
Hardwon: Here comes, the final fucking attack. Watch. This. Babyyyy... That's a 14.
[laughter]
DM Murph: Hardwon 0 for 4, whiffs so hard in front of Galad.
Beverly: Hardwon-
Moonshine: At this point you're just doing like a kickboxing workout.
Hardwon: I'm practicing.
Beverly: Pride of the Dwarphanage. Bastard of the mountain. The whiff wizard.
Moonshine: Yeah.
Hardwon: Whiff wizard. No!
DM Murph: So you see on Galad's turn he turns to Beverly and Hardwon who are still there with him and he says "Can you handle these guys? I need to finish this now!"
Beverly: "We got it Galad! You can count on us!"
Hardwon: "Yeah."
DM Murph: "Thanks." You see he summons a gryffin from the sky. A gryffin comes down and picks him up and, Moonshine, he starts flying towards you guys- towards the Widow and you.
Beverly: "[gasp] Is that Razorlight himself?"
DM Murph: "The very same."
Beverly: "Fly! Godspeed!"
DM Murph: And that is the Widow's turn. She looks at you, Moonshine, and she slits her own throat.
Beverly: What?!
DM Murph: And you see she just turns into like a fog cloud and is gone, and you see Galad flies in and he goes "No! Where have you gone? Where have you gone!" and he flies the gryffin around, looking for her. He flies down to the lower area of the mountain. And that is... Beverly's turn.
Beverly: Okay. We've gotta wrap this up. I'm just gonna Divine Smite again.
DM Murph: You've got one guy who's the upper half of a torso still crawling around. You've got one guy who's pretty hurt and then two full HP guys.
Beverly: Let me do a full HP.
Hardwon: Can't believe I have not killed the guy that's cut in half already.
Beverly: That's a 12 plus 8.
DM Murph: That hits.
Beverly: "Wow, it's so easy to hit these guys."
Hardwon: [with bravado] "Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally."
Beverly: 16 plus 2, that's 18... plus 7? Is that right?
DM Murph: Yeah, you chop this dude down. He's another torso that starts crawling at you. He's at 0HP then he goes back to 1.
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: He's just crawling. You guys got two half zombies like grabbing at your ankles trying to bite you.
Moonshine: That's all that's left?
DM Murph: No, and then two full guys.
Beverly: I'll just do another Divine Smite on the one that's still standing. That's a 19 plus 8.
DM Murph: You guys are hitting!
Beverly: Yeah!
Hardwon: Not me.
DM Murph: You guys are rolling so well, except for Hardwon who went 0 for 4.
Beverly: Beverly- Yeah, Beverly's fully over his conscience of faith.
DM Murph: Do your damage.
Hardwon: He's got his legs back now.
Beverly: 13 plus 7, so 20.
DM Murph: That hurts him quite a bit, but he is still standing.
Beverly: Okay.
DM Murph: That is the zombies who are gonna go in on Bev.
Beverly: "Bring it!"
DM Murph: So the two torso ones can only bite now, but he does hit with his bite for 4 damage and then he's gonna do an extra 6 with the poison gas. The other torso guy tries to bite you and misses, but he's gonna do another 6 damage with the poison gas. The other two guys are still standing. They take a swing with their greatsword. 15 to hit does not hit. Tries to bite you, misses with the bite but does the 6 damage retching on you. Last guy... misses with his greatsword, hits with his bite for.... 4 damage and then does another 6 damage.
Beverly: Bev's okay, but he's not looking great.
DM Murph: Okay. That is you, Moonshine.
Moonshine: Okay I guess I'm just gonna run back cause I only- I was only 30 feet away, right?
DM Murph: Okay, so you can run in, yeah.
Moonshine: I'm just gonna run back and-
DM Murph: There's two half corpses that are still biting at people's ankles and two guys that are still standing.
Moonshine: Alright, I'm gonna curb stomp one of those biting zombies.
DM Murph: Yeah, roll like a Shillelagh attack roll to stomp his head.
Moonshine: Oh, that's definitely gonna hit. 23?
DM Murph: Cool, he's at 1hp so just finish him with a stomp.
Beverly: Is that a flaming-
Moonshine: I lift up my dirty gnarled feet and just start curb stomping this zombie.
DM Murph: Jesus, yeah. His head explodes. Cool. That is Hardwon.
Moonshine: And then I get into it and it kinda turns into a little bit of a hoedown dance.
DM Murph: Weird purple caked blood starts shooting everywhere.
Moonshine: Ooh, this is fun! I feel like a kid in a puddle!
DM Murph: Just dry-
Hardwon: I'd like to look at that and smile and be like, [calming himself] "Alright."
[laughter]
Hardwon: "I remember how to do this." and I crit baby!
[celebration]
DM Murph: Ooh, nice! Were you going for- there's a full health guy, a guy that's pretty hurt and then a torso.
Hardwon: I was gonna go for the full health guy.
DM Murph: Cool. Go for it.
Beverly: I would have loved it if you took an easy swing.
DM Murph: Yeah, you just crit on a torso.
Hardwon: So that's 8 plus 12, that's 20... 20. Then plus 6. 26.
DM Murph: Cool. This dude looks real fucked up but he's still standing.
Hardwon: And then I get my second attack.
DM Murph: Go for your second attack.
Hardwon: Here we go... 19.
DM Murph: That hits.
Hardwon: 15.
DM Murph: You chop his head off, hanging by a flap. Goes back up to 1HP.
Hardwon: "Fucker!"
Moonshine: I wish I could Spores these guys it'd be so easy to get rid of them.
DM Murph: That is Bev's turn.
Beverly: I want to jump and stab down on the torso first.
DM Murph: Cool.
Beverly: To get the torso out of the way.
DM Murph: Yeah, take a swing. Take a swing with advantage cause he's prone. He's just laying there wriggling around.
Beverly: That's a 3 and a 2! Which should I choose?
DM Murph: Oh my goodness. You manage not to hurt him. You're just banging- he still has his breastplate on. Bev is so confident that he's just banging on- you're banging on a trashcan Doug-style. That's what you're doing.
Moonshine: [laughter]
Hardwon: Yeah, [unintelligible] street light with the flat of your sword for some reason.
Beverly: "What do you think?... Enjoy this music, it's the last thing you'll hear!" I say to try and play it off. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna break concentration on Galad and as a show of good faith I will cast Protection from Evil and Good on Hardwon.
DM Murph: Ha!
Hardwon: Thanks, kid.
DM Murph: Yes, you absolutely can.
Moonshine: Wow. Notice how he waited ‘til after Galad left to do it.
Hardwon: Oh, Hardwon noticed.
Moonshine: I don't knooow...
DM Murph: So yeah, there's still three zombies left. First guy crits on Beverly.
Beverly: Oh. Oh oh oh. I should have healed myself during that.
DM Murph: 17 damage on the sword.
Beverly: Oh fuck, I'm down.
Moonshine: Oooh.
DM Murph: Bev goes down.
Beverly: Goddammit. I reach for my potions and find none.
DM Murph: Bev goes down, he's gonna go after Hardwon. That's going to be 17. That doesn't hit you, you've got your new breastplate on.
Beverly: He's disadvantaged as well.
DM Murph: Ohhhh Protection!
Hardwon: Yep.
DM Murph: Oh, he super missses. But then he does the 6 damage to you.
Hardwon: Cool.
DM Murph: And then the guy with his head hanging off- the headless zombie paladin-
Hardwon: He really should be dead.
DM Murph: -takes a swing at Hardwon with disadvantage and misses. Tries to bite Hardwon with disadvantage and misses, but does 6 acid damage to you. Guy on the ground is gonna try to bite you and he's actually gonna hit even with disadvantage and that's another 4 damage and then another 6 damage from acid.
Hardwon: You got it.
Beverly: [laughter] I really hope this torso party wipes us.
Hardwon: That'd be so sad...
DM Murph: And then... that is you, Moonshine.
Moonshine: I see the torso, I feel the draw to curb stomp and keep the curb stomping going, but then I run over to young Bev and I give him a second level Cure Wounds. So that's gonna be... 19.
Beverly: 19? So I've got 19HP?
Moonshine: Yeah. So I give him a kiss of life, but on his cheek cause I'm his Scoutmistress. I don't need any kind of allegations.
DM Murph: Scoutmistress, that's so bad.
Beverly: "Whoa. Oh, my first cheek kiss."
DM Murph: Bev, you bounce back up. Hardwon that's you.
Moonshine: Can we say that when I Cure Wounds it's like a kiss of life but it's like good fungus?
Beverly: Yeah!
DM Murph: Yes, absolutely!
Moonshine: Okay, so good fungus overtakes you.
DM Murph: Just some healthy algae.
Beverly: It's like a portobello.
Moonshine: Yeah.
Hardwon: Very nice.
DM Murph: Yeah, she just spits some Kombucha into your mouth.
Hardwon: Can I- I'll swing at the guy- the only guy that can still swing at us.
DM Murph: The headless guy can also swing.
Hardwon: Okay, so, I guess I'll swing at the headless guy.
DM Murph: Cool.
Hardwon: I'd like to finish him off.
DM Murph: He's at 1HP.
Hardwon: Yeah, who's the highest HP?
DM Murph: There's a guy at like around 12HP.
Hardwon: Alright I'll swing-
DM Murph: I shouldn't be telling you this, guys-
Hardwon: Couse.
DM Murph: -this stuff- but he's at 12HP.
Hardwon: I'll swing at that guy. And that is a 22.
DM Murph: That hits.
Moonshine: Oooh.
Hardwon: Great. And that is a... 11.
DM Murph: Cool.
Moonshine: I just realised-
DM Murph: Still alive.
Hardwon: Still there, but I'm gonna take my-
DM Murph: You slash off one of his arms at the shoulder, so it's real gross, but he's still standing.
Hardwon: God, these guys are so disembodied
DM Murph: [slow gargling as zombie paladins]
Hardwon: I'll swing at this dude again. Oh fuck yeah, I crit!
DM Murph: You crit?
Hardwon: Yeah.
Moonshine: You guys know what happened? Hardwon sugar crashed from the sticky buns and now he's recovering from it.
Beverly: He ate too much mallow cream.
Hardwon: Oh man, that's a 31 and that's- it was a 37. By the way, I think Hardwon just secretly named his axe. He hasn't told anybody yet, but his axe has a name.
Moonshine: Aww!
Beverly: Are you gonna utter it?
Moonshine: He's gonna do a baby reveal party.
DM Murph: Cool. Just-
Moonshine: He's gonna have a cake.
DM Murph: Finish him.
Hardwon: Alright, I whisper to my axe and I say, "Gemma, let's do this."
DM Murph: [laughter]
Moonshine: Gemmaaaaa.
Beverly: Gemma!
DM Murph: I toss a sticky bun in the air, slice through it and then finish the slice through the zombie, catch the sticky bun in two halves and eat them both.
[laughter]
Beverly: Of course you drop your axe while you do this.
Hardwon: Yeah, you have to.
DM Murph: Axe, wet with zombie flesh, goes through the sticky bun. You bite into this absolutely disgusting sticky bun.
Hardwon: I spit it out instantly.
Beverly: I see Hardwon do this as I'm getting back to my feet and I'm just filled with awe.
Hardwon: Hell yeah.
DM Murph: That is you, Bev. There's still a torso guy and a headless guy.
Beverly: Alright. I'm gonna take care of this headless guy. I'm just gonna keep- you know what, I'm gonna do a Divine Smite. I'm gonna do a second level Divine Smite.
DM Murph: Okay.
Hardwon: These guys gave us such a hard time, we really have to just kill them extra hard.
Beverly: Yeah. I'm not fucking around any more.
Hardwon: Just in case your dad walks in right now.
Beverly: [laughter] Alright, that's a 14 plus 8, that should hit, right?
DM Murph: Yeah.
Beverly: Okay great. Now let's roll a million d8s.
DM Murph: [joke-pleading] Stop it. Stop it. He's already dead!
Moonshine: Have pity on this zombie!
Beverly: That's 27.
DM Murph: Finish him. He's dead.
Beverly: I tornado spin at him. And I just keep spinning so much that I do get a little dizzy and throw up.
DM Murph: Yeah, you've got that one level of exhaustion, you're not feeling great.
Beverly: I've got one- and I just throw up all the sticky buns I ate.
DM Murph: Yeah, one torso guy left. It is his turn. He's gonna try to bite Beverly... and he misses. But he's gonna do another 6 damage to you, Bev.
Beverly: I puke on him.
DM Murph: He doesn't like it. Or he doesn't care, rather. [groans] He just sounds like Ray Romano.
Beverly: Somebody-
DM Murph: [groaning zombie] "Debraaaa"
Beverly: Somebody dub The Walking Dead but with that voice.
DM Murph: Moonshine, you're up.
Moonshine: Alright. It's time to curb stomp.
Beverly: Yeah!
Hardwon: Go help.
DM Murph: Roll with advantage.
Moonshine: Oh, that curb stomp's gonna connect. That's a... 23?
DM Murph: Finish him. Just finish him, he's at 1HP, he's been cut in half.
Moonshine: Before I stomp him I get down, I look him eye to eye and I say to him, "Death is a beautiful thing, but an unsettled death is ugly as hell." And then I stomp him but then I do it really rhythmically so that we all have a little dance.
DM Murph: So you essentially do like a burpee like you get down to say that to him and then you get back up and stomp his head.
Moonshine: Yeah.
DM Murph: Cool. His head explodes. You guys are out of combat.
Beverly: Pheww.
Moonshine: I'm still stomping.
Hardwon: Alright.
Moonshine: "Okay so, you know y'all, we should huddle up for a second because-"
Beverly: "You guys wanna go to the kitchen?"
Hardwon: "Yeah, we fucked up your house pretty bad, huh? There was a Tidal Wave and there's a bunch of dead zombies in there"
Moonshine: "Yeah, I'm wondering if-"
DM Murph: You see Beverly's mom, Martha Toegold, opens the door, "Oh my god, there's a mess. Oh it's just awful."
Beverly: "It's alright, we'll clean it up!"
Hardwon: "You don't have a maid or something?"
DM Murph: "Why don't you all come in, we'll- yeah, I'll get the Broomba. Broomba! Broomba, out there! Broomba, out there!"
Hardwon: Broomba just like bumping into a zombie head.
DM Murph: Yeah, Broomba goes out. Broomba starts sweeping around the zombies, totally ineffective. [as Martha Toegold] "Oh, your father's gonna flip out when he sees this."
Hardwon: "It's sort of just moving the blood around."
DM Murph: "Yeah. Your father's gonna have a conniption."
Moonshine: "Yeah, I don't think that Broomba-"
Beverly: "Oh boy."
DM Murph: "Your father's gonna have a conniption."
Moonshine: "Okay well, I don't know if I really have the patience to sit here while your dad gets mad about us defending your house, right? "
Hardwon: "Yeah. "
Beverly: "Yeah mom, you saw, we had to defend the house against those zombies."
DM Murph: "Oh, I don't-"
Beverly: "How long has this been happening, by the way? "
DM Murph: "Honey, you know how your father gets. He's not- we've never had zombies attack the house. This is new. This is new for us."
Moonshine: "Okay, so maybe we need to scoot before your dad gets back. "
DM Murph: "I would love it if I wasn't left alone with zombies."
Hardwon: "Why don't we rest here for the night?"
Moonshine: "Okay"
Beverly: "Why don't you guys stay for dinner? "
Hardwon: "That sounds great! That sounds really nice actually."
Moonshine: "What are you making?"
DM Murph: "What are you hungry for?"
Hardwon: "Sliders."
Moonshine: "Sliders, yeah."
DM Murph: "I can make little cheeseburger sliders, do you want-"
Moonshine: "Sloppy Joe sliders?"
DM Murph: "Do you want- oh, come in, come in, come in, come in." She makes you tons of sliders. There are sloppy Joe sliders, cheeseburger sliders, chicken sliders, buffalo chicken sliders-
Moonshine: Okayyy.
DM Murph: She feeds you guys real good.
Hardwon: "You Toegolds, yeah."
Moonshine: "This is a master course in hospitality."
Beverly: "Ah boy!"
Hardwon: "You know how to host. Thank you. "
Moonshine: "Can I run a bath? "
DM Murph: "Absolutely, it's all yours, honey."
Moonshine: I run a really nice bath, like bubble bath, and I just run Paw Paw in it. I don't get in it myself.
DM Murph: [as Paw Paw] "Reeer reer reer reer reeeeer." Paw Paw's just spinning marking his territory pissing all over the walls.
Moonshine: I'm scrubbing him.
Beverly: Oh no.
Moonshine: Now that I know that his soft spots are okay, I'm scrubbing him so hard.
DM Murph: "Reeer reer reer reer reer."
Moonshine: I found a rock outside and I'm just scrubbing at him.
Beverly: There's an indoor Broomba called Moppy and he's doing his best.
[laughter]
Hardwon: I'd love to wash and comb my beard as well, actually.
DM Murph: Cool. You wash up, you guys comb your beard.
Moonshine: "Y'all, if we're having like a little pool party, maybe we should kinda talk about what just happened, because I followed her-"
Hardwon: Right. Alright, so I'd like to be in the bath with Paw Paw as we have this pow-wow.
DM Murph: [laughter] Is everybody kind of bubble bath-ing?
Hardwon: Yeah, we're all bubble bath-ing.
Moonshine: I'm also going after Hardwon with the rock.
Hardwon: A pumice stone?
Moonshine: Yeah.
Hardwon: I'm exfoliating.
Beverly: I feel like I'm sitting on a litte stool reapplying my toe and foot makeup.
Hardwon: Nice. We're having a slumber party!
Moonshine: We're having a slumber party.
Beverly: Wait, can I put foot makeup on both of them, too?
DM Murph: Absolutely, yeah.
Moonshine: Ooh! That sounds fun!
Beverly: Yeah.
Hardwon: I've got one foot out of the bath getting made up.
Beverly: And I feel like there's definitely a different kind of signifiers with the way that the makeup is applied. I'm picturing it as kind of like symbols that denote like your class and your type so I'm gonna give you guys honorary Scoutmaster foot tattoos.
Hardwon: Cool.
Moonshine: Whoa. Like henna, but with gold.
Beverly: Yeah! It's like golden henna. Exactly.
Moonshine: And then I'm gonna teach Hardwon how to do a Crick knot. Which is basically like a dreadlock, and I do a Crick knot in his beard.
Hardwon: Oh, that's so dope! I love it.
Beverly: Are we- we're all wearing fluffy green towels on our heads.
[laughter]
Moonshine: But, more importantly than all this...
Beverly: Yeah.
Moonshine: "The Widow told me that- well, first off, she slit her throat then turned into fog so I don't think it was true death or some sort of magic was afoot, but she also told me that Galad murdered her husband."
Beverly: "What?"
Hardwon: "Galad?"
Beverly: "Sir Rosell would never do something so despicable!"
Hardwon: "You sure? He seemed like an asshole."
[laughter]
Beverly: "You know, I'm not as sure about stuff as I used to be, to be fair, so I dunno."
Moonshine: "There's a cynic in me that says a high elf that embraces a Crick elf is almost too good to be true."
Hardwon: "Yeah, this trip has made me learn to not trust anybody."
Beverly: "Do you think we should follow up with Sir Rosell. Should we try to talk to him tomorrow and see if he can give us some more information?"
Hardwon: "Sounds like we're not gonna be able to talk to this Widow, she turned into fog."
Beverly: "She is fog, it's true."
Moonshine: "Yeah."
Beverly: "And there's a lot of clouds this high up in the mountain, so she's probably disguising herself pretty easily."
Moonshine: "Bev, how well do you know this city? Do you know if there's any seedy taverns we could go to get some information from unsavory characters who might be loose-lipped?"
Beverly: I feel like there's probably the equivalent of, like, a fantasy Hooters that I'm not allowed in.
DM Murph: [burst of laughter to himself] There's a- lower Galaderon is the more blue collar area where people definitely go to drink after work. Beverly was knocked out after having serious surgery. Beverly is gonna suffer like three levels of exhaustion if you guys don't get a long rest.
Moonshine: No no no, we're not gonna go now. I'm talking about for tomorrow. Yeah.
Hardwon: Yeah, no we're talk- we're gonna go tomorrow.
DM Murph: Got it.
Beverly: Yeah. We're all gonna sleep together in my bed.
DM Murph: [amused] Okay.
Moonshine: Ooh! One big bed, I love one big bed!
Beverly: [chanting] One big bed! One big bed!
Moonshine and Hardwon: [joining in] One big bed! One big bed! One big bed!
Hardwon: One big- the bed is so small for Hardwon.
[laughter]
Hardwon: Just cut to Hardwon falling across the entire- the bed is like half the size.
DM Murph: You see Martha Toegold peeks in the room. "Is everybody- oh, my son is in a bed with two adults. Okay, uh- everybody have fun."
Hardwon: "It's okay, we're his Scoutmaster and mistress."
Moonshine: "Look at our feet! Look at our feet!"
DM Murph: "That makes me a little bit more worried- oh, that's adorable. That's adorable. Alright, good night everyone! Goodnight!"
Beverly: I'm fast asleep.
DM Murph: "Goodnight, love you."
Beverly: "Love you, mom!"
Moonshine: "Love you!"
DM Murph: "Love you Beverly, love you Moonshine, love you Hardwon."
Hardwon: [awkwardly] "I- I love you too."
[laughter]
Beverly: Oh shit! Is this the first time someone's mom has ever said ‘I love you’ to you?
Hardwon: It sure is.
Beverly: Oh my god.
Hardwon: Hardwon lays awake for a full hour.
[laughter]
DM Murph: Martha Toegold gives everybody a kiss on the forehead and tucks you guys in.
Moonshine: Oh my!
Beverly: Do we- alright, I guess we sleep peacefully through the night.
DM Murph: Cool. You guys sleep-
Moonshine: I sleep- even though I normally trance, I really wanna- I don't want to have a trance-over, I wanna have a sleepover, so I straight up sleep for eight hours.
Beverly: Since Moonshine- it's very rare for her to sleep all the way through the night, I would like to wake up early and cook a big apology breakfast for everyone.
DM Murph: Beverly, as you go down to cook the apology breakfast, you're kind of sneaking along, your mother isn't awake yet, and there's a knock at your door as you go into the kitchen.
Beverly: "Oh. Broomba, can you get that? Oh you're busy, okay. Alright."
DM Murph: Broomba's just sweeping.
Beverly: I go, and I guess I look through the little peep hole to see who it is.
DM Murph: Cool, you look through the little peep hole and you see three paladins at your door.
Beverly: Do I know which Oath they are?
DM Murph: They are one of each. There's one from The Chosen, one from The Green Knights and one from The White Knights.
Beverly: Okay. "Who is it?"
DM Murph: "Is your mother home, kid?"
Beverly: "Yes, but she's asleep. I'm Beverly Toegold, her son."
DM Murph: You see they kind of whisper amongst themselves, “Please open the door, son.”
Moonshine: Oh Melora, your dad.
Beverly: "Um, could you say your names, please? I've just gotta make sure I don't open the door for strangers. It's kind of a house policy."
DM Murph: So the main guy, the guy who's a White Knight, is this human guy and he says "I'm Lieutenant Namen. This is Torak and Alla."
Beverly: I open the door.
DM Murph: He looks at you and he sighs and says-
Beverly: "Would you like some coffee?"
DM Murph: "Uh, we're okay, kid. Look-"
Beverly: "Okay."
DM Murph: "Son-" and he gets down on one knee and he says "Your father has been arrested for the murder of High Priest Merrick High Hill."
Beverly: [extended and shocked] “What?!”
Hardwon: What the fuck?!
Beverly: I drop the three coffees I'm holding.
DM Murph: And that's where we'll end our session.
Beverly: Oh shit!
[nervous laughter and clapping]
Moonshine: Whaaaaat?
Beverly: Oh my god! This show is so fun! I love the-
Hardwon: And we're just asleep? We're asleep!
Beverly: Yeah, y'all are asleep. The bacon is burning.
DM Murph: It works out perfectly narratively that you went down there by yourself.
Beverly: Uh-huh. Oh my god.
Hardwon: Man.
DM Murph: It's so great that you went down to make an apology breakfast.
Beverly: [sigh of satisfaction and release of tension] Hot damn, that was a good ep!
Hardwon: Good work.
DM Murph: That was a fun one, guys.
Beverly: Yeah.
DM Murph: Yeah, guys, so rate the show, please! We always need ratings!
Beverly: Love ‘em.
DM Murph: Follow us on Twitter. @JakeHurwitz is Jake-
Moonshine: I crave ratings.
Beverly: Mmhm.
Hardwon: True.
DM Murph: @chmurph is me, @eaxford is Emily, @caldy is Caldwell. Guys, check out me and Emily's book Hey, U Up?: How to Turn Your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact. It's only like seven / eight bucks on Amazon now.
Beverly: That's a good price!
DM Murph: And there's also- the audiobook is out on Audible, so check it out there. Anything else?
Beverly: Oh-
Hardwon: Oh- go ahead.
Beverly: Alright, I was just gonna say I've got a bunch of stuff in the PO Box, I still need to check it, but if you wanna send us stuff, you can send it to 1920 Hillhurst Avenue, #222 Los Feliz California, 90227.
Hardwon: Dope. Mine is much more self-serving. Amir and I are coming to Dublin and Amsterdam. Our London show's sold out but if you live in fucking Amsterdam- we have no idea if we have fans there, but come let us know if you live there.
DM Murph: Let's hope so, man!
Moonshine: Oh, can I go?
Hardwon: Oh yeah, there's a lot riding on this. I don't wanna take a fifteen hour flight and then have a sad show.
DM Murph: And you're gonna be real stoned so you're gonna freak out if there's only like three people in the crowd.
Hardwon: Oh yeah, I will be tripping. I will be tripping.
Moonshine: Just don't- last time- the only time in my life I was in Amsterdam, I did mushrooms and then went to a fancy restaurant and they kicked in and it was a restaurant that didn't have menus. The waiter had to explain what they had and it was the worst experience of my life. Don't go to a nice meal.
Hardwon: It sounds like a fucking nightmare.
Beverly: So yeah-
Hardwon: Whatever you do when you travel abroad, don't go to a nice meal!
Moonshine: [In a fit of laughter] Don't go to a nice meal.
Hardwon: That's Moonshine advice.
Beverly: So if you don't go to Jake's show in Amsterdam, then he will drown in a canal.
Hardwon: That's true.
DM Murph: Yeah. That's absolutely true.
Moonshine: Oh wow.
DM Murph: Yeah guys, and tweet about the show with #NADDPod baby!
Beverly: P.O.D,!
All: [singing] We are we are, the youth of the nation. We are we are... [fades out]
Moonshine: [instead] We are we are, the youngin’s of the nation.