The Watchman

The party picks up a new ally...literally. Nathan Yaffe (Drawfee/CollegeHumor) joins the Band of Boobs on a quest to track down a mythical being that could hold the answers to their burning questions: Who are Hardwon's parents? What's amiss at the Crick? And when will Beverly finally grow chest hair?

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Before play begins] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is Not Another D&D Podcast.

[Play begins]

Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. I’m your dungeon master Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz,

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Emily Axford,

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, Maiden of Melora and Queen of the Snake.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: And Caldwell Tanner.

Beverly: Beverly Toegold, your leafy lad.

DM Murph: And also our guest this week, Nathan Yaffe.

Tonathan: Hello.

Beverly: Oooh.

Hardwon: Alright.

Tonathan: Do I say my character’s name yet, or-?

DM Murph: Oh no, you don’t.

Tonathan: Okay.

DM Murph: We don’t know who you are.

Moonshine: Don’t tempt us.

Tonathan: I’m a mystery.

DM Murph: We haven’t met you.

Moonshine: Because then we’ll just race to meet you.

Tonathan: I’m an enigma.

Beverly: Just please shut up.

Tonathan: Okay.

DM Murph: Yeah, if you could just read your character sheet verbatim right now.

Hardwon: Oh, I can see his name! [Scared noise]

Tonathan: [Scared noise]

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Yeah, just briefly explain your backstory in fifteen minutes or so.

Cool, so let’s do a little recap of last week. It’s been a while since we played, guys.

Hardwon: Yeah! I missed you guys.

DM Murph: Yeah, I know. We did some trips, we did some traveling.

Hardwon: Yeah, you guys went to Japan and I went to Nashville.

DM Murph: Yeah. Both world travellers in their own way.

[Laughter]

Beverly: I sat patiently at my desk waiting for you to come back.

Moonshine: I mean, my standard is, if Ludacris mentions it in Pimpin’ All Over The World, it counts as being a world traveller.

Hardwon: Sweet. I bet he hits Nashville, then.

Moonshine: Hopefully.

DM Murph: Yeah, we really don’t know.

Beverly: It’s a metropolitan hub.

[Overspeak]

Hardwon: I was also in Atlanta actually, so, there you go.

Beverly: Wow.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: Alright guys. So last week you guys questioned Skullis, the R. Cane dealer who supposedly killed Stunkbug’s brother, but found out that that was a lie. You began to suspect that Stunkbug had been implanted with false memories by Professor Duttle, so you guys marched over to his lab to confront him, only to meet Juan, his robot lab assistant, and the rest of the clockwork automatons. You had a tense showdown with Juan, who was trying to protect Duttle’s secrets while also sparing you guys, his new friends. Hardwon was able to talk Juan into betraying the other automatons-

Hardwon: Juan’s the man!

DM Murph: Hardjuan, baby!

-allowing you guys time to rush in to a secret passage that Moonshine found in the lab. The passage led directly to the city rehab center for magic addicts, but turned out not to be a rehab center at all, but rather a giant secret lab where Duttle was performing terrible experiments and creating monsters. You guys continued to uncover the conspiracy as you discovered that Captain Oswald, leader of the Ezry police force, was working with Duttle to kidnap and turn magic addicts and other criminals into an undead army that they were planning on using to clean up the city! You guys quickly murdered Duttle, but not before-

[Laughter]

Hardwon: So quickly.

DM Murph: So quickly. And that’s one of those moments as a DM where your butthole puckers just a little bit. When your players do the smart thing, but they don’t let the main bad guy kind of give his speech. Yeah, had to throw out a little bit of the script there.

Beverly: Yeah, press A to skip cutscene.

DM Murph: Yes, that’s exactly what happened.

[continues the recap] But not before he could release his most horrible creation, Gunkbog-

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Stunkbug’s supposedly dead brother, who wasn’t killed by Skullis, but rather died while being tested on by Duttle.

Moonshine: Murph, will you give us a peek behind the screen? What was his name going to be before Adam named him Gunkbog?

DM Murph: Oh, I was always going to let Adam name him.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: And once Adam’s name was Stunkbug, which- he did not run that by me before we started- I knew Gunkbog was going to have a dumb name.

[continues recap] You faced and killed the monstrous Gunkbog along with the traitorous Captain Oswald and her knights, then blew up the lab and rode out of town, leaving Stunkbug and his best bud Juan the automaton to bury Gunkbog in a proper grave.

Hardwon: Hell yeah.

DM Murph: So you guys are riding off into the night on your horses, you’ve just blown up this lab, you’ve said your goodbyes to Stunkbug and Juan as Professor Duttle’s secret lab explodes behind you. You guys exit the Ezry Bubble as the Bubble Knights are flocking to the fire, you make it to the outer rim, you see wild magic addicts kind of fighting with each other, people boarding up their windows, it’s just a complete shitshow. One thing that is very odd: as you guys are riding out of town, you see one little gnome riding a little steam engine dune buggy, looking extremely determined. And he’s a little bit slower than your horses. So you guys are just riding along him- along next to him.

Hardwon: Does he have goggles on like he’s going super fast?

Moonshine: I scoop him up!

DM Murph: [gleefully] You scoop him up!

[laughing]

Moonshine: I scoop him up!

DM Murph: [laughing] Nathan, you suddenly- suddenly this elf riding by on a horse grabs you.

Tonathan: [scared, but laughing] Ah, my seatbelt.

Moonshine: I grab him like Liv Tyler in- in [in unison with Beverly] Lord of the Rings.

Tonathan: Ooh, cool.

Moonshine: I scoop up my little Frodo.

Beverly: Wait, what happens to his dune buggy?

DM Murph: He’s still- do you have a seatbelt on, Nathan?

Tonathan: [hesitating] Uh, I think it- you know, the- it pops off.

DM Murph: [grinning] Do you just go willingly, just like deadweight yourself and just go?

Tonathan: I- you know- I don’t get out of the city very much, I wasn’t necessarily prepared for this, but I’m trying to go with the flow, so- I, you know, it’s a family car, it’s a family vehicle, and I guess I hope we have it insured!

Moonshine: “Where I come from, scoopin’ is an act of love!”

DM Murph: Moonshine-

Moonshine: “We don’t hug, we scoop!”

Hardwon: That’s akin to hugging him.

DM Murph: Moonshine scoops up this random gnome-

Tonathan: [scared noise]

DM Murph: [laughing] -and he leaves behind his dune buggy.

Hardwon: I’ll grab his dune buggy.

DM Murph: [high pitched voice] You can’t grab his dune buggy!

Moonshine: You gotta scoop it!

[Overspeak]

Hardwon: I’m huge!

Beverly: He could probably- it’s a gnome dune buggy.

DM Murph: It’s a gnome dune buggy, but it’s pretty big.

Moonshine: I send Paw Paw to help Hardwon.

DM Murph: [laughing] No, you- guys, guys. This is insane. You cannot carry the dune buggy.

Tonathan: I have been scooped.

Hardwon: Fine. Oh, can I tie it to my horse so it’s going behind me?

Moonshine: [laughing] Yeah.

DM Murph: No. [laughter] Either- either-

Moonshine: [laughing] I will-

[General laughter]

Moonshine: I’m going to slow down my horse, throw a rope to Hardwon, Hardwon can jump onto the dune buggy.

Hardwon: [serious] Cool, can I ride in the dune buggy?

DM Murph: You can’t ri- it’s for gnomes. But it is still-

Hardwon: So I can’t pick it up?

DM Murph: -too big for you to carry.

Hardwon: How about Bev, can he ride it?

Moonshine: What about, like a skateboard?

DM Murph: Beverly can ride in the dune buggy.

[Overspeak]

DM Murph: You guys haven’t even said hello to this gnome or anything-

[Overspeak]

DM Murph: -you just kidnapped him-

[Overspeak]

Hardwon: I’m going to pick Bev up, put him in the dune buggy-

DM Murph: Wait, so you are-

Hardwon: -and I’m going to grab his horse.

DM Murph: Alright. [tentative question] So you guys stop? [serious] You guys stop your horses.

Hardwon: None of this is stop- none of this is happening while we’re stopped.

Moonshine: This is The Fast and the Furious.

DM Murph: Roll an insane acrobatics check. Go ahead.

[Beverly laughs loudly]

Hardwon: Okay, just going to add my-

DM Murph: What did you roll?

Hardwon: I did write an- that’s a 19.

DM Murph: [hesitates a second] Okay.

Beverly: Jesus Christ.

DM Murph: What would you-? Okay, so you guys are riding past this dune buggy, wordless, by the way-

Hardwon: It’s taking-

DM Murph: [speaking over Hardwon] no one has said anything,

Hardwon: I feel like it’s taking a little bit-

DM Murph: [speaking over Hardwon] Moonshine just picks up the gnome, puts it on the back of her horse, he’s lightly protesting …

Tonathan: Yeah, I-

Beverly: I feel like-

Tonathan: “Uh- uh- excuse- hi- uh- hello- hi- what is-”

DM Murph: Hardwon, what are you doing? This dune buggy is getting left behind.

Hardwon: No, this is super easy. Like, we have taken a long time to get here, so it feels like it’s really clunky, but this is exactly what happens: there is like, the town blowing up behind us, epic heroes, we see a cute little guy in a dune buggy.

Moonshine: Thank you.

Hardwon: Moonshine obviously is going to pick him up, if the dude looks like human Jonah. So she grabs him. I know what’s happening, Moonshine’s got the gnome with her now, so I grab Beverly – easy. Just pick him up by the nape of the neck, place him in the dune buggy.

Moonshine: Like a cat’s mother!

Hardwon: He’s riding the dune buggy now, and then I take the rope from his horse, so I’m leading Beverly’s horse while riding on my horse.

Beverly: Beverly does not know how to drive.

Tonathan: [shouting] “It’s pretty intuitive!”

DM Murph: Yeah, r-

Beverly: [slightly panicking] “What’s going on? Oh god!”

DM Murph: Roll a raw intelligence check, Beverly-

Hardwon: Come on.

DM Murph: -as you are tossed into this-

Tonathan: I’m trying to shout instructions just like, “Ten and two! Keep your hands at ten and two, and-”

Moonshine: Oooh, he got a [in unison with Tonathan] nat 20!

[Wild laughter]

Hardwon: I knew it! I fucking knew it!

DM Murph: [bewildered] Oh my god!

Hardwon: I fucking knew it! Whenever the stakes are low enough he rolls a fucking 20.

Beverly: Yeah, Beverly buckles the fuck up, shifts this thing into high gear and just peels out right in front of y’all.

DM Murph: Yeah and- so-

Tonathan: [surprised] “I didn’t even know it could do that!”

DM Murph: A 19 and then a nat 20, so yeah, you guys just Fast and the Furious grab this dude, Beverly gets thrown into the driver’s seat, just peels out Tokyo drift behind you guys on the horses. As you guys ride out of town-

Beverly: [shouting] “Ride or die, bitches!”

Moonshine: I look- I turn back to my new friend and I say-

Tonathan: “Hello.”

Moonshine: [continuing] “Sorry, we- you’re so small, I thought you were a youngin.”

Tonathan: [slightly worried] “Is this a kidnapping?”

Moonshine: “Are you a kid?”

Tonathan: “I, no, I’m- you know. Gnomes age slower than people. I’m actually in my sixties, which is like gnome-twenties.”

Moonshine: “Woah. Spry young thing!”

Tonathan: “Yeah. I’m a grad student at the East Bubble Institute of Magic.”

Moonshine: “Okay, but you looked like you were scootin’ town, before you got scooped.”

Tonathan: “Yeah, I don’t get to get out of town very often. But I heard tell of a being that can answer questions about the world, mysteries. I’m an amateur, but I guess I’m on a quest to find-”

Hardwon: “Cool, dude, well, you just met three fucking pros. Look at the way the kid can Tokyo Drift!”

Beverly: [cheering, shouting] “Hey, does this thing have a radio?”

Moonshine: Oh, I love that.

DM Murph: So you guys successfully get out of town, you catch up to the main road and you’re able to set up a little campsite.

Beverly: Great.

Moonshine: I say, “I’m so sorry, but I do not have an extra sleeping bag. Why don’t you take mine and I’ll make myself a dirt blanket.”

Tonathan: “Oh, that’s okay. I did plan to be on the road. I brought my own stuff.”

Hardwon: “Honestly, I think she wants to wear the dirt blanket.”

Tonathan: “It’s- whatever makes you happy.”

Moonshine: I’m already in a dirt blanket.

Tonathan: “I’m- my name is Tonathan, by the way. I don’t know if we formally-”

Hardwon: “We’re gonna get there. What did you say, Tonathan?”

Tonathan: “Tonathan, yeah.”

Beverly: “Tonathan.”

Tonathan: “Tonathan Tinkle. Of the Tinkle clan. We’re a-”

Moonshine: “Ooh, Tinkle clan.”

Tonathan: “-academic family.”

Beverly: “Why are you fleeing the city?”

Tonathan: “I’m looking for something. I’m a-”

Moonshine: “He heard, pray tell.”

Tonathan: “You guys- do you guys know about the- I mean, of course everyone knows about the Legendary Heroes of Bahumia. [affirmative noises] Alanis, Thiala and Ulfgar.”

Hardwon: “Ulfgar’s the man!”

Beverly: “I am a proud member of the Thiala fandom.”

Tonathan: “They’re really cool!”

Moonshine: “I like all three, honestly. I can’t pick a favourite.”

Tonathan: “They’re all great. I, you know. I think I’m more of a Thiala, even though, you know, I’m a wizard – people would think I’m an Alanis, but Thiala’s just so good and pure.”

Beverly: [very excited] “Heck yeah!”

DM Murph: [laughing] Beverly just gets so amped, hearing about pureness.

Beverly: I think I whip out my amulet.

Tonathan: [surprised, excited] “Oh my god!!”

Beverly: [excited] “Heck yeah, buddy!”

Tonathan: [very excited] “Is that Thiala’s amulet?”

Beverly: “I- yeah- I found it in a keep. And it’s been aiding us in our journey. It has healing properties.”

Tonathan: “Can- can I- can I see it?”

Beverly: [hesitating] “Uuuuh … aaaah … well, hold on, you know, I’ll just come really close to you.”

Tonathan: “Okay. It’s- it’s cracked, can I- I have a spell that might be able to fix that.”

Beverly: “Wait, really?”

Tonathan: “Yeah, I have a spell called Mending … and it mends things.”

Beverly: [tentatively] “Okay.”

Hardwon: “Sounds appropriate.”

Beverly: “Alright.” I think that Beverly is just overflowing with trust for people, whether it’s a good idea or not. So Beverly hands over the amulet and lets Tonathan do his magic.

DM Murph: Cool. So you perform the Mending Spell?

Tonathan: Yeah, I cast Mending on it.

DM Murph: Cool. So you see Tonathan grabs it, touches it with an arcane flick of his wrist, whatever that means. And you see blue energy come out of his hand and fill the crack, and you see it’s sealed.

[universal gasping]

Beverly: [very excited] “Wow!”

Moonshine: “Wow, Tonathan-”

DM Murph: And then it cracks again.

[universal disappointment]

Hardwon: [sarcastic] “Way to go, Tonathan!”

Tonathan: [sad] “Uh- well- yeah.”

Moonshine: “Well, Tonathan, you know what, Paw Paw has downright chewed through his leash, maybe you could take a-”

Tonathan: “Okay.”

Moonshine: [continuing] “-take a shot.”

Beverly: “Yeah, let’s- baby stepy, baby steps.”

Tonathan: “Sure. Yeah, maybe not a powerful artifact from one of the Legendary Heroes.”

Beverly: “You did your best, though.”

DM Murph: He did repair the leash. The leash looks like new, brand new.

Moonshine: I sneak up on Paw Paw and put it on.

DM Murph: [angry] “Reeer, reeer!” Let me roll the Paw Paw Dexterity check to get out of the way- to get not put in the leash. He rolled a nat 1. He just- he tried to scramble, he flopped over-

Moonshine: “Paw Paw-”

DM Murph: -and he kept scrambling once he was upside down, and you just easily put him in his leash.

Moonshine: “We ain’t in the city anymore, and I know you like to run when you see trees.”

DM Murph: [angry] “Reeeeer, reeer reeer reeer!”

Tonathan: “If you want it to be a different color, I have a spell for that, too.”

Moonshine: “Can you make it look like it’s made of diamonds?”

Tonathan: “Uh, I can try!” I cast Prestidigitation on the leash to make it look like diamonds.

DM Murph: It looks like a nice ass dog leash.

Beverly: [overly praising] “Wooow!”

Moonshine: I take it off and put it on myself.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you look great.

Tonathan: “That effect should last for about an hour.”

Beverly: “I’m going to go ahead and get a fire going.”

Moonshine: “Oooh, if you’re gonna get a fire, I’m gonna get a stew goin’!”

Beverly: “Absolutely! Yeah, we- I don’t think we have any jambalaya ingredients, but-”

Hardwon: “Did anybody scoop up some of the snakes that Gunkbog turned into?”

Moonshine: “They all disappeared!”

Beverly: “Dang!”

Moonshine: “But I do have some crawfish. We can make ourselves a bowl.”

Beverly: “Yeah, that’ll do.”

Hardwon: “How long have you been carrying the crawfish for?”

Moonshine: “Since before I met up with you guys, so …”

Beverly: “I have a big bag of Sugar Clouds. We could make some Galaderon smores, how’s that sound?”

Hardwon: “Crawfish sounds fine.”

Beverly: “Alright … more for me.”

Tonathan: “I’ll- I’ll try a smore.”

Beverly: “Oh, okay, yeah. Here, I’ll show you how to make ’em!”

Tonathan: [nervously] “Okay.”

Moonshine: “Look at the wee ones gettin’ on.”

Tonathan: [to Beverly] “I’m so much older than you.”

Hardwon: I’m sucking the eyes out of a crawfish.

Moonshine: I’m sucking the digestion- whatever was in his stomach.

Hardwon: Just the brown.

Beverly: “That’s poop.”

Moonshine: Just the brown part.

Beverly: “That’s poop is what that is.”

Moonshine: [defensively] “It’s delicious is what it is!”

Hardwon: [slurping]

Beverly: [skeptical] “Aha.”

Tonathan: I’m just, like, furiously taking notes. Just like, ‘this is how adventurers behave!’

Moonshine: “Uhm, Tonathan, I didn’t wanna pry earlier, ’cause we had only just met, but-”

Hardwon: “You’re sort of presumptuous.”

Tonathan: “You sort of- you did pry me out of my vehicle, but-”

Moonshine: “I scooped you.”

Tonathan: “Oh, sorry. ’scuse me.”

Moonshine: “A scoop is very different than a pry.”

Tonathan: “Fair enough.”

Moonshine: “If I’m gonna pry you, you’re gonna have a couple bruises, you know.”

Tonathan: “Yeah, that was a very smooth scoop, I will admit.”

Moonshine: [pleased] “Thank you. But I’m curious about this magical beast that can answer any question, because where I come from, something’s amiss and I could use some advice about that.”

Tonathan: “Oh, yeah, I mean everything seems to have gone wrong since the Heroes disappeared. You know, I’ve been reading all of my graphic scrolls about their adventures, trying to figure out if there are any clues in there, about what happened.”

Beverly: “Woah. Which graphic scrolls do you read?”

Tonathan: “The, you know, The Ulfgar Adventures-”

Hardwon: “Can I have that one?”

Tonathan: “Yeah, sure. It’s mint condition, but-”

Beverly: [impressed] “Wow!”

Tonathan: “but if you’re careful with-”

Hardwon: A lot of crawfish on my fingers.

Tonathan: [worried] “Ohhh. Ohhh. That’s- that’s okay.”

Moonshine: I look over his shoulder and pretend to read it. But I don’t know-

DM Murph: Tonathan had only-

Hardwon: She’s laughing whenever I do.

DM Murph: Tonathan reads it with tweezers, but Hardwon just with crawfish hands, just-

Tonathan: “No, this is-”

DM Murph: -licking his finger to turn every page.

Moonshine: Real saucy hands.

Tonathan: “This is, uh-”

Moonshine: Because I added a real thick base.

Hardwon: “So, you have- you want to ask the- this enlightened being- what do you want to ask him? Or her?”

Tonathan: “I want to know where the heroes went.”

Moonshine: “That is a fascinating question that I would love to know, too.”

Tonathan: “But if you guys want to- I think every one person gets to ask their own question. So if you guys have burning questions in your heart, maybe- would you guys like to join me on my adventure?”

Moonshine: “Y’all, maybe it is the warm glow of this fire affecting my sentiments, but let’s go around and say what we would ask.”

Tonathan: [delighted] “Yaaaaaaay!”

Beverly: “Oh, is this like a campfire game?”

Moonshine: “Yeah, it’s a campfire game.”

Beverly: “Oh boy. Okay, I’ll go first. I want to ask when I will get chest hair.”

Moonshine: “That is … small beans.”

Hardwon: “You can ask anything you want, Bev.”

Beverly: “It’s pretty important to me, okay?”

Hardwon: “I can answer that question.”

Beverly: “Erlin and Derlin already have some. And I don’t have any and it’s- I’ve only got a couple under my armpits. And I just- I don’t know, I just feel like it’s never going to happen for me, alright?”

Hardwon: “I really-”

Beverly: “I think I’m allergic to crawfish!”

Hardwon: “You are freaking out. You have hives, man.”

Beverly: “Oh, jeez! I’m a paladin, I’m not supposed to be able to get disease!”

DM Murph: Beverly’s just sweating so much.

Beverly: “I think- okay- what are y’alls then, if mine’s so stupid?”

Moonshine: “Well, I would like to ask what’s amiss at the Crick.”

Beverly: “That makes sense, that’s good.”

Hardwon: “I’m curious who my parents are, I guess. But the chest hair thing is pretty compelling also.”

DM Murph: You guys all just ask different questions about Beverly’s puberty.

Hardwon: “And when will he have pubes?”

Beverly: “I guess I could ask about this crack in my amulet. That seems interesting. The fact that we can’t mend it, even with magic, that’s very peculiar.”

Moonshine: “Oh, it’s gotta be some kind of- it must be cracked from some sort of arcane magic.”

Beverly: “Yeah, some sort of dark magic. But Duttle didn’t seem to notice anything arcane about it. But he was kind of a-”

Tonathan: “Oh, you met professor Duttle?”

Beverly: “Yeah, he was kind of a bozo to be completely honest.”

Hardwon: “He was a real jackass.”

Tonathan: “Yeah, he is kind of a jerk.”

Moonshine: “He killed Skullis.”

Tonathan: “He’s kind of a creep.”

Hardwon: “Yeah. Well, we murdered him.”

Tonathan: [surprised] “Oh!”

Hardwon: “We killed him super easy.”

Tonathan: [impressed] “Oh, wow. Wowowow.”

Moonshine: “He killed Skullis and you know, started a big ole thing. We have nothing to do with anything that just happened behind us.”

Tonathan: “Well, I mean, there’s always weird noises and stuff coming from that lab. I figured it was only a matter of time before something bad happened there.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, yup, matter of time. That’s what did it!”

Hardwon: “Alright, yeah, no, it wasn’t us.”

Beverly: “It was natural consequences.”

Hardwon: “It’s the … fire making me piece all of this together.”

Beverly: “That’s the- just- there is chaos in the world, and sometimes, you can’t do anything about it! Light and shadow, my friend.”

Hardwon: “Anyway, let’s take a rest!”

Moonshine: “Yeah! So-”

DM Murph: So you guys-

Moonshine: “-Tonathan, we would love to accompany you.”

Tonathan: “Thank you so- oh my gosh, wow- this quest is going so much better than the last time I went on a quest.”

Moonshine: “You haven’t been- you barely touched your crawfish!”

Tonathan: “I, uh-”

Beverly: “You can have mine.”

Tonathan: “Uhm, how do I- what do I do with it? It’s-” I just, I’m sort of nibbling-

Beverly: [teasing] “Tonathan!”

Tonathan: -on the shell.

Hardwon: “Yeah you just- you eat the whole thing.”

Beverly: “Moonshine, do you want to show Tonathan how to suck a crawfish?”

Tonathan: “Mmmmmmh.”

Moonshine: “Yeah. Again, I go straight for the diges- whatever is in his stomach.”

Beverly: “Well, I’m going to go try to sleep these hives off, I think.”

DM Murph: Great. So you guys all go to bed, you get a full rest. You get all your spell slots back.

Moonshine: I meditate for four hours-

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: -but then- I have an herbalism kit, what does that do?

DM Murph: I think it might help you with like, medicine checks and stuff like that? I don’t think it’s gonna give you anything significant.

Moonshine: I’m just saying those four hours before everyone wakes up and joins me: can I walk around and use my herbalism kit and see if I find any cool leaves?

DM Murph: [ironic] Cool.

Moonshine: What did I find?

DM Murph: Yeah, I mean, you find some brown leaves, you find some green leaves…it’s kinda crazy.

Moonshine: I collect them like they are the greatest treasures in-

DM Murph: Paw paw is running up and grabbing some and putting them in his mouth and then putting them in your kit.

Hardwon: Moonshine’s just like having her morning, you know? [imitating Moonshine] “Yeah, I get up early so I have some me-time.”

Beverly: I like to think we wake up and there’s like, big cups of tea ready for us. We’re like, “Hmm, where did these leaves come from?”

Moonshine: “Oh, they’re the brown ones.”

Beverly: “Oh, brown- okay!”

DM Murph: They’re just dirty brown leaves. It tas- hour tea tastes like mud, and it is not caffeinated, and it’s not tea, for that matter!

Beverly: “Is this Crick tea?”

Moonshine: “It’s a new tea.”

Tonathan: “I can magically make it taste better.”

Hardwon: “Mine’s fine.”

Beverly: “Okay, great, yeah!”

Tonathan: I make it taste like cocoa for me.

DM Murph: Wow. So you guys enjoy your hot cocoa, Hardwon has already had all of the dirt. You drank it instantly.

Hardwon: I’ve really come around to Moonshine’s cooking. After living in the mountain my whole life, it’s just like, “Yeah, this is normal food.” She also introduced me to sliders.

DM Murph: Normal elf stuff is Moonshine.

Hardwon: I love this elven way of cooking.

Beverly: Hey Murphy, real quick, before we get into it. How long has it been since we left Moonstone?

DM Murph: It took you about two days to get up to Ezry from Moonstone, so it’s been a few days.

Beverly: Okay, alright, I was just checking, because I know I have to be in Galaderon in two weeks.

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: So, we’re good.

DM Murph: You still have time. Also, when you left Galaderon and traveled down to Moonstone, you were but a little rich boy that your parents set off on a, you know, carriage. So you were traveling pretty slow. You were riding like hell with full adults. And also the forest that Tonathan is looking for, where you guys can find the being, is in the Galaderon Glades, so it’s near Galaderon.

So you guys travel along the road to Galaderon. You’re on a path called The Golden Road. It’s this long, main road that connects all the major cities on this part of the continent. And of course there are a lot of people heading to Galaderon, because it’s the capital city, so you see plenty of people along your way. Actually, you guys- you know- see merchants, carriages of merchants going by and stuff, if there’s any common items or anything that you guys would like to buy?

Moonshine: I would personally love if I could get a little better armour, and possibly if there’s a scimitar with a better attack bonus, or...

DM Murph: You’re not gonna find- a scimitar with better attack bonus is going to be a magical item or a very well-made item, and you’re not gonna find that just on the road here. But you can find like, common items. So you can find hide armour, you find a wagon with like a tanner on it who gives you hide armour.

Moonshine: “What kind of animal is this from?”

DM Murph: “It’s from a … cow.”

Moonshine: “Oh. That’s …”

DM Murph: Yeah, you see the black and white spots.

Moonshine “… awesome.”

DM Murph: “Yeah, you’ll look like a cowgirl, it’s pretty cool, right?”

Moonshine: “This is great, this is gonna go great with my cloak, thank you so much, sir.”

DM Murph: Cool, so you got a- now you have hide armour that is black and white and looks like you’re wearing a dumb cow shirt.

So you get +1 to your AC, that costs ten gold. Would anybody else like to buy anything?

Hardwon: Yeah I want- I’m gonna want some armour, too.

DM Murph: Great. You can buy half plate which is- for seven hundred and fifty gold, or a breast plate for four hundred gold.

Hardwon: Okay. I got five-

DM Murph: Oh, you can also buy scale mail. That’s only fifteen gold.

Hardwon: I’ll go- I’ll spring for the breast plate.

Moonshine: Yeah, get that breast plate!

DM Murph: Dope. You get-

Tonathan: I’ve also got a breast plate.

DM Murph: -a dope breast plate.

Tonathan: I’ve got a little gnome breast plate.

Hardwon: That brings me down to one-oh-five gold.

Moonshine: “Yeah, it’s so teeny.”

Hardwon: “That might be a few bucks for sliders, huh?”

DM Murph: So now- so your AC jumps up to 18.

Hardwon: Hell yes.

DM Murph: So you go up 2 AC.

Beverly: “Lookin’ good! It’s got nipples on it, too, that’s good craftsmanship.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, look at them.”

Tonathan: While they’re doing that, I’m studying my Divination Portent. The way that works is I get to roll a d20 twice and just save those rolls for later to replace one of our rolls or an enemy’s rolls.

Beverly: Roll it up!

DM Murph: Dope.

Tonathan: So I got an 11, just right in the middle.

Moonshine: Good! Give it to an enemy though!

Hardwon: The one thing you don’t want.

DM Murph: You could give it when Beverly rolls a 2.

[dice rolling]

Hardwon: That was an 18.

Tonathan: 18, okay.

Beverly: Those are good.

DM Murph: Those are two good ones.

Tonathan: Okay, so-

Beverly: Can I buy some stuff?

DM Murph: Yes. What would you like to buy?

Beverly: What about a better sword, maybe?

DM Murph: No, you’re not gonna be able to find something better than a longsword on the road.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Well then, I will just buy some esoteric bullshit, then. I gave my gaming set to Erlin. Do they have any fantasy Uno cards?

DM Murph: Yeah, sure. You can buy a little card set for … five gold.

Hardwon: What about, like, a little fur vest to make it feel like you have chest hair?

DM Murph: You can also buy potions or something that might stop you from dying.

Beverly: I’m gonna definitely buy- you know what, you didn’t take my gold? Is that what we said?

Hardwon: No.

DM Murph: Potions are fifty gold for just a regular healing potion.

Beverly: I will buy three potions.

DM Murph: Cool. Hundred-fifty gold.

Beverly: So a hundred and fifty.

Hardwon: [almost whispering] Nice. I’ll go buy a potion, too.

Moonshine: [louder] Oooh, I’ll buy a potion, too!

DM Murph: Cool, go for it.

Beverly: Oh well, oh, okay. Wait. So-

DM Murph: I mean, it’s good to have a lot of potions.

Beverly: Alright, cool, so I’ll still buy three.

DM Murph: Yeah, okay.

Hardwon: You’re rich, man.

Beverly: The last thing I want to check for is if anyone’s selling musical instruments.

DM Murph: Mmh, yeah. Yeah, you definitely- you find some traveling bards who have random instruments for sale. You can take like a flute or a mandolin…

Beverly: I feel like I walk over to- I back into Moonshine and I’m like, “Which one do you think?” And I hold up an oboe, and a bassoon-

Moonshine: “Oooooh, a bassoon, definitely!”

Beverly: -or like, a saxophone.

Moonshine: I point at-

DM Murph: There are no saxophones.

Moonshine: I point at the oboe and I say, “Ooh, the mouthpiece on that is slim.”

Beverly: “Yeah. Luckily, I’ve got a real little mouth.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, I think you should take the oboe.”

Beverly: [blows into the oboe but only air comes out, no notes]

DM Murph: Ah, okay. For an oboe, like- an actual metal work instrument is probably gonna cost you like a hundred and twenty gold.

Beverly: [unsure] Okay.

Hardwon: Return one of those potions maybe.

DM Murph: But you can buy a little wooden fife or something for five gold.

Beverly: [laughs] Is there anything between fife and oboe?

DM Murph: A mandolin probably costs you, like, sixty gold.

Tonathan: Recorder?

Moonshine: Well, I’ve got my-

DM Murph: Fiddle. So you already got the string section.

Moonshine: -my fiddle, so.

Beverly: Alright. I’ll just buy the- if I can buy an engraved fife?

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: I also- I wanna secretly buy a woodblock. ‘Cause I’m starting to- I’m starting to harbour a little bit of a desire to join the band. But I don’t want anybody to know that.

DM Murph: Great.

Tonathan: I see everyone buying instruments, so I get a triangle.

DM Murph: [laughing] Okay, great. You buy a little triangle, costs you five gold.

Moonshine: Are you also secretive about it?

Tonathan: No, I just want to fit in. I just think you guys are really cool, because you’re adventurers, and I only ever read about adventurers in scrolls.

Moonshine: I didn’t see Hardwon because he was being shy about it, but I see Tonathan buy it and I say, “Well, boys. If we’re gonna buy something, we gotta give a little something back.” And I take out New Betsy, and I play a song for the person that they bought it from.

Beverly: “Heck yes!”

Hardwon: Let’s hear.

DM Murph: Okay. Yeah, roll a performance check.

Tonathan: [excited] “Ooh, ooh, ooh! Let me help!” I cast Guidance. You can add a d4 to your roll.

Beverly: Oh nice, nice! We’re gonna be good at rolls now!

Moonshine: 18!

[cheering]

DM Murph: Alright.

Moonshine: Thank you for that Guidance! That’s my first-

DM Murph: The band sounds better than they’ve ever sounded. Hardwon, do you participate in all these kind of-

[Moonshine mimics music]

Hardwon: No, I’m still too nervous, but I’m tapping on my leg.

[Beverly joins, mimicking air blowing out of his fife]

DM Murph: Tapping on your leg so close to the wooden block.

[Tonathan joins the melody and says “Ting, ting, ting, …”]

[music in the background stops]

Beverly: While we’re playing, I’m going to sing the Song of the Ancients.

[Moonshine picks up again, Tonathan joins at the end of the song]

Beverly: “Kin to the light, do what you should,

Shelter the light, protect what’s good,

preserve the light within your soul,

be the light that makes us whoooooooole.”

DM Murph: … And you see the bard merchant guy just gives you guys some light applause. “Okay. I mean, that was fine. I mean, I’m a bard, so, you know. Our bands are usually better and stuff. Kinda weird that you guys just started playing. Kinda the equivalent of going into a music store and playing for a really good musician and just doing kind of an okay job.”

Moonshine: “Did it work? Did we give you Bardic Inspiration? Do you feel inspired?”

DM Murph: “I … You know what? I … need to be on my way to Galaderon!”

Hardwon: “Same!”

Beverly: “Wow. We really changed his life.”

DM Murph: He hops back in his cart and he starts going.

Moonshine: “Y’all, I’m worried that we outdid him.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, he probably felt pretty bad.”

Beverly: “I think we embarrassed him.”

Tonathan: “That felt really good, though.”

Beverly: “Yeah. Should we start a band?”

Tonathan: “Maybe we should ask the legendary being if starting a band’s a good idea.”

Moonshine: “Oooh, that’s a good question!”

Beverly: “I don’t- but I was gonna ask about my chest hair-”

Tonathan: “Oh, true.”

Beverly: “-and I feel like naaah.”

Moonshine: “We’ve got time to keep muddling over these questions.”

Beverly: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, good call!”

DM Murph: So you guys keep walking along the road. It’s about a three day hike for you guys to get close to Galaderon. Two things that stick out on the road as you guys go is that there are a lot of wanted posters with a picture of a hooded woman.

Moonshine: Okay, then I would like to take one down …

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: -to look at it.

DM Murph: So you read the wanted poster. It says, “Wanted alive,” and it’s a picture of a woman whose eyes are hidden under a black cloak. And it says, “Name: The Widow. Wanted for killing several members of the Chosen and the attempted murder of Captain Galad Rosell. Approach with caution. Apprehend, do not kill.”

Moonshine: “Bev, you know anything about the Chosen?”

Beverly: [thinking really hard] “Hmmm.”

DM Murph: You do-

Beverly: I think really hard.

DM Murph: Yeah, give me a History roll.

Beverly: Okay, cool … that’s a nat 20.

[laughter, cheering]

[with long pauses between each word] Get ready for some shitty ass combat rooooolls!

DM Murph: Have you rolled two nat 20’s today?

Moonshine and Tonathan: Yeeeeah.

DM Murph: That’s ridiculous.

Beverly: Beverly pulls out his pipe/fife and says, [singing in his high singing boy voice] “Prepare for a song about the history of the thing that we said just a second ago.”

Hardwon: Hardwon is tapping his thigh.

DM Murph: So, you know the Chosen as being paladins who are a little bit extreme. Your dad refers to them as knuckleheads. But they don’t worship a singular god, they just worship ‘the Light’, and they kind of believe that one day, there will be somebody who’s so powerful with the Light that that will be their new leader, that that will be their god.

Beverly: So they’re like Southern Baptists.

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Do they handle snakes?

DM Murph: They don’t handle snakes, no. But you also know Captain Galad Rosell. You guys would actually all know his name, he would be one of the more legendary swordsmen-

Moonshine: She killed him?

DM Murph: -from Galaderon.

Beverly: No, kidnapped.

DM Murph: No, attempted murder. She attempted to murder Captain Galad Rosell …

Moonshine: So he still exists.

Beverly: “Galad Rosell-”

DM Murph: -who is also- he’s the Captain of the Chosen.

Beverly: “He taught a fencing class in my school one time.”

Tonathan: “Ooh, woah, you met him?”

Beverly: “Yeah. I did. Well, I didn’t say anything to him, I was pretty nervous.”

Tonathan: “Yeah, that sounds like what I would do, too.”

Beverly: “He’s a real, just, hulking, just big, beautiful individual-”

Hardwon: “Beautiful?”

Beverly: “-just great calves, yeah.”

Hardwon: “Great calves, eh?”

Beverly: “Great calves, good pecs, he’s really just kind of all over great, I would say.”

DM Murph: Yeah, he’s an elf, he’s a very beautiful man.

Beverly: “Slender, except for his giant calves.”

DM Murph: And then you guys also see a carriage of- you see donkeys leading a carriage of Crick elves. And you see the one guy is looking okay-

Moonshine: [talking over Murph] “Y’all, look at that fancy carriage!”

DM Murph: -The one guy who’s kind of driving the carriage, he looks okay, but there are some sick Crick elves in the back, you hear them-

Moonshine: Sick as in [metal voice] sick-

DM Murph: -coughing.

Moonshine: [surprised] Ohh! “Oh, Melora! My people, my people!” And I just rush over.

DM Murph: [hospitable Southern accent] “Moonshine!”

Moonshine: [hospitable] “Hey!”

Beverly: “Oh, boy.”

DM Murph: You recognise this as being one of your cousins, Cooter.

Moonshine: [overwhelmed with joy] “Cousin Cooter!”

DM Murph: “Cousin Moonshine, how you doin’? Whatcha doin’ out here so far from the Crick?”

Moonshine: “Ohh, you know me, I been wandering around for Mee Maw-”

DM Murph: “You have been wandering around.”

Moonshine: “Mee Maw dispatched me, but what are you doin’ out here? And also, where did you get this carriage? It is stunning!”

DM Murph: “Mee Maw sprung for a good carriage and some of them good donkeys.”

Moonshine: “These donkeys are well behaved, I haven’t seen them kick you once!”

DM Murph: They instantly kick him once. “Ow! Well, you know what, you kinda jinxed it there, didn’t you?”

Moonshine: “Sorry, that’s on my chest bone!”

DM Murph: You see he scratches at big giant black scabs on his neck.

Beverly: Can I do a roll-

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Beverly: -for medicine?

That’s a 7, and then my medicine is +3, so it’s 10.

DM Murph: It doesn’t look like a regular wound, it looks like he has some kind of disease or something.

Moonshine: “Cooter, you been eatin’ the wrong piece of the crawfish?”

DM Murph: “Ah, no, actually, no. We got the Crick Rot.”

Moonshine and Bev in unison: “Crick Rot?”

DM Murph: “Yeah, we got the Crick Rot, we all got the Crick Rot.”

Moonshine: Do I know what this is, have I experienced this, or is this new?

DM Murph: This is new.

Moonshine: “What in Melora’s name is Crick Rot?”

DM Murph: “Well, you know, some of us – particularly the ones that live closer to the Crick, ‘cause you know I got that Crick-side stump.”

Moonshine: “You got that Crick-front- yeah, you got that-”

Moonshine and Daddy Murphy in unison: “Crick-front stump.”

DM Murph: “I got that Crick-front stump.”

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora, when you moved in there, I thought ‘I’m never gonna talk to Cooter again-’

DM Murph: “Ah, you know me-”

Moonshine: “‘-he’s too highfalutin for me!’”

DM Murph: “-I got hospitality. Do you guys want any food?” You see he coughs and he hacks up some black phlegm and then he hands you guys some bread.

Beverly: [defensive, slightly panicked] “We ate! We ate already! We ate!”

Moonshine: “Cooter, Cooter, I’m so sorry, I got distracted. What is Crick Rot?”

DM Murph: “So, you know that something ain’t right in the Crick, right?”

Moonshine: “It’s- something’s amiss!”

DM Murph: “Well, a bunch of us have been gettin’ sick. Mee Maw bought us this wagon, I’ve been takin’ the sicker folks up to Galaderon. They got a High Priest up there named Merrick High Hill.” And Beverly, you would know Merrick High Hill as being the- like, a nice, old priest who is a friend of your father’s and is going to be the next High Septon.

Beverly: I’ve seen him at cookouts.

DM Murph: You’ve seen him, yes.

“Yeah, so we went up to the High Priest in Galaderon, and he can heal it a little bit. He can kinda stop the effects, ‘cause you start actin’ real crazy when you get the Crick Rot all the way.”

Moonshine: [desperate] “Oh, no, walk me through it. What’s been happenin’? Has it claimed the lives and spirits of any of our kin?”

DM Murph: “So, you know Billy Ray?”

Moonshine: [amazed] “Of course I know Billy Ray!”

DM Murph: “Both of- you know, I think both of our cousin-”

[inaudible crosstalk by Moonshine]

DM Murph: “-they’re our cousin-nephew. That’s our cousin-nephew. Both of us have-”

Beverly: “Billy, is this- wait.”

Moonshine: [laughing] Wait, you’re- Lord.

Beverly: “Is his name Billy Ray Cybin?”

DM Murph: “Yeah, definitely.”

Moonshine: “Billy Ray Cy- Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were talkin’ about a different Billy Ray.”

DM Murph: [speaks over Moonshine] “Oh, no, no! Not Billy Ray the bullywug. He’s different. Different family.”

Tonathan: “Bully Ray?”

DM Murph: [staying serious] “Billy Ray Cybin, he got the Crick Rot real bad, first case of Crick Rot we saw. He got these scabs. Then it basically made his skin grey, and then he started going crazy and attacking people!”

Moonshine: “His skin great or gray?”

DM Murph: “Gray.”

Moonshine: “So his skin gone gray.”

DM Murph: “His skin gone gray and he started attacking people.”

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora, that’s the last thing we need is Cricks turnin’ on Cricks!”

DM Murph: “I know. You know, somethin’ ain’t right at the Crick, we gotta figure out what’s goin’ on before it’s too late.”

Moonshine: “Okay, well-”

Hardwon: “That’s what we’re on our way to do.”

Moonshine: “Yeah. We are on route to Galaderon. So, you know, why don’t we just give you some safe passage? Have you had any troubles on these roads?”

DM Murph: “Uh, we’re going back to the Crick from Galaderon!”

Moonshine: “Oh! So you’re the healed version!”

DM Murph: “Yeah, this is us healed!”

[unanimous “Oh”s]

Hardwon: “Guys-”

DM Murph: “Don’t we look good?”

Hardwon: “Yeah. You look awesome.”

DM Murph: “Well I mean, by this time Billy Ray Cybin was already a full-on gray dude who was attackin’ people. So me just havin’ these scabs and coughin’ up this weird black gunk, I mean that’s pretty good, you know!”

Hardwon: “Are you sure you wanna go back to the Crick where you got the Crick Rot?”

Moonshine: “Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.”

DM Murph: “You know, that’s my home, and Mee Maw relies on me to take the sicker folks- And they’re sick, but they ain’t gettin’ sicker, ‘cause every once in a while we go up to the High Priest.”

Moonshine: “Okay, so if you head back to the Crick, y’all aren’t gonna just turn gray immediately, you’ve got good time.”

DM Murph: “Noo, we got a while.”

Moonshine: “You got a system going.”

Hardwon: “If you have a place that’s even just a little bit away, outside of the Crick-front stump …”

DM Murph: “I know, I recently sold my Crick-front stump.”

Hardwon: “Nice, I hope you got a good price.”

Moonshine: “You had to sell it?”

DM Murph: “Two hundred copper.”

Beverly: “Oh, that’s a bad price.”

Moonshine: “Copper?”

DM Murph: [speaking over Moonshine] “Yeah, I know it was a steal. I bought it at a hundred copper, sold it, did it up.”

Moonshine: “Mostly we trade blades of grass, so that’s impressive!”

Tonathan: I actually- can I take a sample of some of the gunk that got coughed up and put it in a sample vial? “I- you know, not-”

DM Murph: You can ask him to spit in a cup for you, he would definitely do it.

Hardwon: Pick off one of the scabs.

DM Murph: “You want one of my scabs here? Or you want me to just retch a little bit? ‘Cause I- [retches a lot]” You see, he starts vomiting.

Hardwon: “Oh, I’m gonna go back to the armor guy!”

Beverly: I cover my mouth with my handkerchief.

DM Murph: He just hocks- he hocks a loogie in a jar for you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: “I know a lot of medical magic students. I don’t know, if faith healing isn’t doing the full trick, maybe I could bring this back to the Institute and see if they might- I’ve never seen anything like this in any of my survey courses.”

DM Murph: Tonathan, as you look at it in the jar, you see that the chunk is moving a little bit.

Tonathan: Gross! “Haha, neat!” I cover it with a rag.

DM Murph: “Well, we better be gettin’ back to the Crick.”

Beverly: Can I offer a prayer for their journey?

DM Murph: Sure!

Beverly: Cool. Just- I wanna pray to Pelor and have Pelor’s light guide them on their journey to certain doom.

DM Murph: “Ah, thank you so much, that’s so nice of you!”

Beverly: As I’m doing this, I’m taking my merit badge sash and I’m covering my mouth and nose with it. I’m praying through the sash.

DM Murph: “I could not hear a word you said, but I’m sure they’re just as nice. You know-”

Moonshine: “And before you all depart, I had a mornin’ meander with my herbalism kit, and I’m just gonna give you all this.” And I push all the dry leaves-

DM Murph: [laughing] Just all the leaves. [very excited] “You got brown leaves!”

Moonshine: “Bring it back to the Crick and distribute accordingly.”

DM Murph: “We are- I will pass these around.”

Hardwon: [imitating Cooter, shouting excitedly] “I’ll buy a new stump!”

DM Murph: “I mean, all the leaves been dryin’ up at the Crick, so it’s nice to have some wet leaves, and these are wet! These are very wet.”

Beverly: [sceptical] “Is that good?”

DM Murph: “I love wet leaves. I love a wet leaf.”

Tonathan: You would imagine … leaves should be wet.

DM Murph: “I love a wet leaf, I love a dirt blanket...alright, well, good seein’ you, Moonshine!”

Moonshine: “Fare thee well. Tell Mee Maw-”

Hardwon: “Godspeed, Cooter!”

Moonshine: “Yeah. Tell Mee Maw I said- I was askin’ for her.”

DM Murph: “Will do.”

Beverly: “Are those- were those people real, or did I get another concussion?”

DM Murph: Yeah, they go off in their carriage.

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora! Things are worse than I even thought!”

Hardwon: “Yeah, something is fucked at the Crick.”

Beverly: “Yeah. We gotta get to this beast!”

DM Murph: So, after you guys travel for a few days, you guys start to get close to Galaderon. You see that the road is a lot more crowded now, you can see the city in the distance. It’s this grand city built around a mountain, the top of which is lost in the clouds. You also see various zeppelins and airships passing overhead, making their way to and from the city. By the time you guys are about forty or fifty miles outside the city, you see the Galaderon Glades, which is the forest to the west of the city. You see- when you look at the forest, you see deep into the distance that there is the top of a watchtower peeking out over the trees. So you guys are at the-

Moonshine: “Tonathan, where is your magical beast?”

Tonathan: “Just- uh- it’s a beast, a being, some entity, and he’s in a watchtower, and that looks like a watchtower up there. So probably that direction?”

Beverly: “I think- yeah, I think we’ve got time. Let’s just make sure that nobody sees me, because I feel like my dad wouldn’t like it if he found me just roaming around in the woods with, uh...well, with my new friends!”

Moonshine: I cast Pass Without Trace on us all.

Hardwon: Hiding from Beverly’s dad.

DM Murph: So, you guys sneak off into the woods-

Beverly: We just raise a lot of questions.

Tonathan: “I don’t know if I introduced you to my familiar Barnaby. He’s a barn owl and-”

Moonshine: “Whoa, how are you hidin’ that thing?”

Tonathan: “Uh, he was just flying overhead. Probably you didn’t notice. But I’ve got that, and, so, he can scout ahead for us, if you want. He’s got pretty good vision and I can see through his eyes, every so often. It’s just-”

Hardwon: “You’re the man, Tonathan!”

Tonathan: “Thank you! Thanks a lot, I wish my family felt the same way.”

Moonshine: “You don’t get that Tinkle respect?”

Tonathan: “No, I haven’t been published because all of my theses rely so much on speculation and revolve around the Legendary Heroes, and that’s not really what the Institute specialises in. So I’m hoping maybe this Watchman can give us some- give me a little bit more credibility.”

Beverly: I try to pet the owl.

Hardwon: “It’s flying super high.”

Tonathan: “I’ll have him come down if you guys want to interact.”

DM Murph: “Hoo-hoo.”

Beverly: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I- I wanna give him a treat.”

Tonathan: “Oh yeah, Barnaby loves treats.”

Beverly: I give him some Ritz Bits.

DM Murph: He eats some Ritz Bits.

Beverly: “Farewell, Barnaby!”

DM Murph: He flies off.

Beverly: “On a full stomach you range!”

DM Murph: So, would you like to send-

Hardwon: “Does he get food poisoning?”

DM Murph: Would you like to send Barnaby to scout ahead?

Tonathan: Yeah. And so, as an action, I can see what Barnaby sees.

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Tonathan: So I think I’m sort of toggling back and forth between making sure I’m not tripping over stuff and also, like...

Hardwon: “Togglin’ Tonathan.”

Tonathan: “It’s me!”

DM Murph: You guys are going through the forest. You can see- it looks like the tip of that watchtower is pretty far in, so you guys go for miles and miles, and you see as Barnaby that as Barnaby starts to get close to the tower, that it disappears, and that it just looks like the same patch of forest.

Tonathan: “Uh, guys …”

Beverly: “All good? We good?”

Tonathan: “…So…weird thing. The tower doesn’t seem to be real, or there is some sort of spell on it that makes it disappear when you get close to it, ‘cause, Barnaby’s pretty close to it, and it’s not there when he looks at it.”

Moonshine: “Have him try to fly directly into it!”

Tonathan: [hesitant at first] “Uh, okay … I trust you. Sounds like a good idea!”

DM Murph: So Barnaby backs up and tries to suicide dive into the tower, but nothing’s there. As soon as he gets close to it it just looks like the same patch. But Barnaby’s able to kind of locate where it switches from being able to see the watchtower. So you guys are at the point in the forest where the watchtower kind of should be, but it just looks like the same old forest.

Beverly: “I feel like now might be a time to try and Detect Magic.”

DM Murph: Go for it.

Hardwon: Finally.

Beverly: Okay. Do I do a roll?

DM Murph: Nope, you just cast Detect Magic.

Beverly: “I cast Detect Magic!” And I concentrate very hard.

DM Murph: You have detected magic.

[cheering]

Beverly: “Callooh Callay! Callooh Callay!”

Moonshine: “I’m’na follow up with a Faerie Fire.”

Beverly: Can I- wait, I wanna describe what I do when I detect magic. I prostrate myself and just sniff the ground so hard.

Hardwon: “Dude’s so quick to prostrate himself.”

[Beverly sniffs very hard through his nose]

DM Murph: Yeah, you smell an illusion.

Beverly: Are there any trees that look gnarled in a specific way? Any odd looking burls?

Moonshine: What about- yeah. Or any rats, are there any rats around?

DM Murph: There are squirrels and other animals and stuff.

Moonshine: Alright. I wanna find the most intelligent squirrel I can find.

Hardwon: Conduct a fucking interview.

DM Murph: Okay. You find a squirrel that is organizing his acorns in a very intelligent way. You can tell he’s doing it by size.

Hardwon: Looks like a savant squirrel.

Moonshine: I cast Speak With Animals on him.

DM Murph: [mouth full of acorns, but very smart] “Hi. I’m trying to organize my acorns.”

Moonshine: “Hey, lil’ thing! You got a name?”

DM Murph: “Well, it’s just ‘Squirrel.’ I’m just a squirrel. Do you like my little nut pile? I’m organizing them by size.”

Moonshine: “It’s a beautiful nut pile.”

DM Murph: “Thank you.”

Moonshine: “So, I’m here to inquire about the magic tower. The tower that’s here, but it’s not here.”

DM Murph: “Big building, disappears sometimes? Sometimes it’s gone, sometimes it’s there?”

Moonshine: “Yup. Same page. Same- honestly, same paragraph on the same page, yeah.”

DM Murph: “Okay.”

Moonshine: “So, where is it?”

DM Murph: “So it’s just there sometimes and sometimes it’s not. And people come, and they make pretty colors, and then the little village appears, and you see all the big guys are walking around. They’re farming, and they’re making things grow, and they’re near the tower that’s there, and sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s gone. But sometimes, a big man will just come out, and he just walks out, and he’ll grab something, like some sticks or something, and then he walks back in, he disappears.”

Tonathan: “A big man.”

Moonshine: “Interesting, a big man. Tell me more about this big man.”

DM Murph: “They’re just big. They’re bigger than you. They’re bigger than-” He points to Moonshine, he points to Beverly, he points to Tonathan and he points to Hardwon, “they’re bigger than you.”

Moonshine: “Ah, Hardwon, they just said they- it’s bigger.”

Hardwon: “Impossible.”

DM Murph: “Hmm, I dunno.”

Tonathan: [to Hardwon] “Must be pretty- you’re one of the biggest people I’ve ever seen.”

Moonshine: “Alright. Yeah, okay. Well, that’s good information. I guess we can maybe just stake out and wait for-”

Beverly: “Luckily, I bought some playing cards, so we’ve got something to do while we wait.”

Hardwon: [half-enthusiastic] “Alright.”

Moonshine: [not enthusiastic at all] “Okay. Alright, thank-”

Tonathan: “Can you ask him where exactly they come out from?”

Moonshine: “Where exactly does he come out from?”

DM Murph: “You’d see one of them if they came around here.”

Moonshine: “Alright. Can you point us in direction of a nice little area with good cover that we could go?”

DM Murph: “Oh, I could tell you- you guys could come to my house.” And you see he just climbs in a tree in a hole. “Come on, gang!”

Hardwon: “Don’t think I’m gonna fit.”

Moonshine: I try! That’s nice, he invited me over, I’m gonna try.

DM Murph: You put your foot in and you just start kicking him. “Ow. Please stop. Nevermind. I rescind the invitation.”

Beverly: “Squirrel, I would like to give you a gift. Point to the best acorn in the forest.”

DM Murph: “If I found the best acorn I wouldn’t be here, right, guys? Am I right?”

[crosstalk]

DM Murph: “That’s squirrel humor.”

Hardwon: I don’t understand, but Moonshine’s laughing.

Beverly: I wanna scramble up in a tree and get an acorn for him that he can’t reach.

DM Murph: Cool. You go up, you find an acorn. He’s extremely touched, and in his fit to grab it from you, he does bite you in the finger quite hard.

Beverly: [in pain] “Ooooooohkay.”

DM Murph: “Sorry! I’m excited. This is a great acorn.”

Beverly: “It’s alright.”

Moonshine: “Alright. Well, I think that you have served your purpose …”

DM Murph: “Yup.”

Moonshine: “So, you know, godspeed.”

DM Murph: “I’m gonna go in my hole.”

Moonshine: “Meloraspeed.”

Beverly: “Guys, I think I’m also allergic to squirrels.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, looks pretty gnarly.”

Moonshine: “So, I guess we just gotta set up camp and stake out and try to-”

Beverly: “Well, we need to remain hidden as well.”

DM Murph: As you guys are talking, you just see this big, giant, over seven foot tall goliath in a robe just appears out of nowhere, walking out from the illusion, and just starts, like, fixin’ a big stick, like, snaps off a small tree to make into like a staff. He starts to put it over his neck and he starts to walk back towards the illusion.

Beverly: Does he notice us?

DM Murph: He’s not saying anything to you guys. Three … two … one...

Moonshine: [shouting] I cast Infestation on the stick!

DM Murph: Infestation on it?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: What does that do?

Moonshine: It’s a cantrip. I basically just want- it technically does damage to him, but I- it’s like, only a very little bit. But I just want ants to start coming out of the sticks.

DM Murph: So just ants coming out of the thing? And then he looks over at you guys.

Hardwon: He sees us?

Tonathan: “Hello.”

Bev: “Hi!”

Moonshine: “Hi! Hey.”

Hardwon: “Oh, hey. Do you have a problem with the bunch of ants? That was crazy.”

Moonshine: “The ants have been crazy in this glade, ‘cause something’s astray at this glade. What I might say.”

DM Murph: You guys see he is wearing this dark orange robe, his skin is this very, very pale white, he’s got blue and brown tribal markings running down his face and his body. But he just looks at you guys, just kind of solemnly. He pulls out a little pouch, and he walks over to you guys, and he hands you each a berry. And then he just looks at you.

Hardwon: Uuh.

Beverly: [hesitant] “Uh … thank you?”

Moonshine: I hand him a crawfish.

DM Murph: He looks at the crawfish-

Moonshine: I say, “A bite for a bite.”

DM Murph: He starts eating the crawfish.

Hardwon: “Brown part first.”

Beverly: Can we like-

Moonshine: I guess I’ll pop the berry.

Tonathan: Yeah, should we eat the berry?

DM Murph: As you go to eat the berry, he stops you. [deep, calming voice] “Uh, since you put bugs in my stick I thought you were assholes so I gave you this berry. It was gonna make you throw up. But since you gave me the crawfish …”

Moonshine: “Truthfully, I’m gonna lay it out clean for you: I wanted to approach you, I got shy, so I put bugs in your stick.”

DM Murph: “Okay. I’ll say fair trade for the crawfish. Now I’m gonna go find a good stick, and I’m gonna go back to my home.”

Hardwon: Hardwon breaks off a stick. “I got one for you!”

Beverly: “Huh, that’s a good stick.”

Moonshine: “Only problem is that stick comes with all four of us. Can we come?”

DM Murph: You see, he starts to get nervous and he starts rubbing his knees. “Uh, technically I’m supposed to take a vow of silence, and only the ambassador to the outside world is supposed to talk to people. So if I let you guys in, can you guys just say that you, like, Dispelled Magic and got in on your own, and I didn’t talk to you, and you guys didn’t say anything, and you guys just went to the temple on your own?”

Beverly: “Yeah, we’re real smart cool wizards, we know what’s up.”

Hardwon: “What’s your name, buddy?”

DM Murph: “My name is Rogo.”

Hardwon: “Great. So you wouldn’t have been able to tell us that, if you-”

Tonathan: “Yeah, so we should not refer to him … as-”

Hardwon: “-couldn’t talk. So if you fuck us, in any way, I’m gonna tell everybody your name is Rogo.”

DM Murph: “This is rude.”

Hardwon: “Yeah.”

Moonshine: [apologetic] “Oh, okay.”

Hardwon: “Sorry, I just gotta protect my people here.”

Moonshine: “That is aggressive. That is aggressive.”

Hardwon: I break off a third stick.

DM Murph: “I have been blackmailed, but for two sticks and a crawfish.”

Hardwon: “This one’s a literal olive branch.”

DM Murph: Under his giant wing span, he puts his arms over all four of you-

Tonathan: “Musty.”

DM Murph: -leads you guys in through the illusion, and suddenly you see a waterfall, and you see a big clearing. There’s this giant watchtower with vines growing around it that shoots up above all the trees. There’s a waterfall that provides water for a little pond that goes down into a little stream. You see a bunch of little cottages, but the only landmark besides the watchtower is this big temple. It’s made out of wood, but there are gold trimmings. Atop the temple, where the architecture comes to a point, there are three big golden eyes to symbolise a third eye or Enlightenment.

As far as people, you see a few dozen monks, they’re these other goliaths, these big hulking figures, between seven and eight feet tall, they all have the brown and blue tribal markings. The only thing you can hear is the waterfall. All of the other monks are quietly going about their business, just fetching water, planting flowers in the gardens, and no one is speaking. You see as soon as you guys walk in, another goliath walks up to you guys and offers you guys the berries.

Hardwon: “Uh, we are good.”

Beverly: “No thank you!”

Moonshine: I take one!

DM Murph: You see-

Moonshine: I take one, I don’t wanna be impolite! I take one.

Beverly: I give him one of the marshmallows from earlier.

DM Murph: Oh, you give him a s’more! He just gives you a thumbs up.

Moonshine: I take the berry and I pretend to take it but throw it over my shoulder.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: [pretends it tastes good] “Mmmmmh.”

Tonathan: “These guys are real pranksters.”

Beverly: So we’re just in a big valley full of strong monks?

Hardwon: I’ve never felt small in my entire life. And here we are.

Moonshine: Oh yeah! You went from being in a mountain full of dwarves to being in a valley full of goliaths.

Hardwon: “Holy shit, is this what regular people look like?”

Beverly: Murph, do I know this- the sigil on the temple? The third eye? Do I- am I familiar with it?

DM Murph: You don’t.

Tonathan: Do I recognise it as the thing I’m looking for?

DM Murph: Yeah, the Watchman.

Tonathan: “Guys, this is it. This is what we’ve been looking for.”

DM Murph: This is from your ‘Watchman’ graphic novel-

Tonathan: Yeah.

DM Murph: -not ‘The Watchmen,’ but ‘Watchman’. Oh wait, no. ‘Watchmen’ is the original graphic novel. Ours is ‘The Watchman.’

Beverly: ‘The Watchman.’

Tonathan: Is it ‘The Watchmen’ or ‘The Watchman’?

DM Murph: The Watchman. It’s just man.

Tonathan: ‘The Watchman,’ it’s just one. It’s just one man.

Hardwon: Who watches the Watchman?

Beverly: “These monks probably.”

Hardwon: “That makes sense. Should we go try to meet this guy?”

Moonshine: “Yeah, what do you know about this man, like, do we need to be preparing ourselves in any way?”

Tonathan: “Well, I mean, it’s very secretive, couched in mystery and legend, and based on what our friend just told us, none of them talk except for whoever the ambassador to the outside world is. So I guess we want to find that person, probably.”

Beverly: “But I imagine he’d probably be-”

DM Murph: You see the big guy that you guys just met outside pats you on the shoulder and points to the temple.

Tonathan: “Thank you!”

Beverly: [rushed] “Okay, great, thanks.”

Moonshine: “Cool.”

Hardwon: “Ambassador.”

DM Murph: Gives you guys-

Beverly: As we’re walking over there, is the- the vegetation of this area, it’s pretty lush, right?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Okay. I’d- As a Green Knight- As a junior Green Knight I’m just wondering, like, if the vegetation is different than what I’m used to, if like there’s anything magical about it?

DM Murph: [nonchalantly] No. Just nice little gardens.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: Just pleasant little flowers, and-

Beverly: Well, then, I just breathe it in, baby.

DM Murph: Just breathe in that fresh mountain air.

Moonshine: Any mushrooms? Any mushrooms?

Beverly: [deep breath and sigh of content pleasure]

DM Murph: There aren't any mushrooms in their gardens, ‘cause they cut them out.

Beverly: [laughter]

Moonshine: [gasp]

Hardwon: Sacrilege!

Moonshine: Sacrilege!

DM Murph: You see one getting rid of some mushrooms. Just cutting them up and throwing them away.

Moonshine: "Hey, wait, hold on, that's precious cargo!" I scoop it up.

DM Murph: The goliath looks up at you and offers you a berry.

[laughter]

Moonshine: I pretend to take it again. [with fake enthusiasm] "Mmm, I can't get enough of them."

DM Murph: They wait expectantly for you to throw up, and when you don't, he just looks disappointed and goes back to what he was doing.

Beverly: "Moonshine-"

Moonshine: "Why do all these- this is not hospitality to try to make your guests throw up. I am gettin' turned off by this place."

Beverly: I'm gonna hold on to my berry though. Just, I feel like- how many- we've got like a couple of berries.

Tonathan: Yeah. Yeah, vomit berries.

DM Murph: You guys have, like, three vomit berries each.

Beverly: I'm gonna hold on- I'm gonna write down vomit berries.

Moonshine: I've been throwing them over my shoulder, so I only have one.

DM Murph: Moonshine has none- yeah, Moonshine has one vomit berry.

Hardwon: I also- I think I still have the spider strawberry egg from Duttle's lab.

DM Murph: Perfect.

Beverly: [intrigued] Ohh.

Hardwon: So I'm... rolling in berries.

Tonathan: Lots of gross berries, yeah.

Hardwon: "Let's knock on- let's knock on this door, right?"

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Yes."

DM Murph: Cool. So you guys go up to the temple. There is no door, it's just-

Moonshine: [gasp] "Should we pretend to be a travelling band?"

Beverly: ... [laughter]

Hardwon: "If we need to, we could always go into-"

Beverly: "It's a good fallback."

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "Hardwon, do you need an instrument if we pretend to be a travelling band?"

Hardwon: [conspicuously] "No, no no. I'll figure something out... on the day."

Beverly: "You got the block of wood!"

Moonshine: I know that, but we didn't see. He was secretive about that.

Hardwon: You don't know that.

Beverly: Oh, right, right, right.

Hardwon: You guys are a trio. We're not a quartet, yet.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Beverly: We are- I like that we are literally becoming a band of boobs.

DM Murph: That's true.

Moonshine: [laughter] Okay, yeah, let's walk over.

DM Murph: So you guys walk in- the temple is open air, or at least the entrance is. There's no door. It's just this huge entrance. There's this one big main room. Lanterns hang down from the top of the tall ceiling from long ropes. Across the main back wall is a mural. It shows the image of one being with three eyes atop a tower, and about twenty other spirits in bubbles, circling the outside of the painting. There are gold candelabras with candles burning, and an altar with gold trimmings, and you see one very big monk, taller than the other people, he's like 8'5. He's facing the painting and meditating, and he is completely nude.

Beverly: [laughter]

Moonshine: [gasp] “Now that's how you worship."

Hardwon: Wow, wow. Wow wow wow.

Beverly: "Huh."

Moonshine: I take my clothes off and go meditate next to him.

Beverly: Ha!

Hardwon: What?!

DM Murph: [amused] Moonshine joins him and sits next to him.

Hardwon: "Oh, no, no. Not now. Not now. Oh, god. There she goes."

Tonathan: "Ew, ew, ew, ugh."

DM Murph: He goes-

Hardwon: I'm holding her overalls with Paw Paw in them.

DM Murph: He doesn't look at you, he keeps staring forward. You can see from his side profile that he has his markings. He has a tattoo in the middle of his head to look like a third eye, but he keeps his eyes closed, and he says, [in a slow, steady, monkly bass tone] "What is it that you seek?"

Moonshine: [also in a steady, serene voice] "I seek... The Watchman."

DM Murph: [with a slow solemnity] You see he nods. He reaches into a little brown pouch that's in front of him, he pulls out a berry, and he hands it to you.

[laughter]

DM Murph: And he says, "Eat this berry and you shall see him."

Moonshine: I say, "I know what this is gonna make me do, and yet I am so devoted, I will do it." And this time I actually eat the berry.

DM Murph: [surprised hearty laughter] You barf everywhere.

[laughter]

DM Murph: And he starts laughing and he goes, "Well, I thought you'd either fall for it, or you wouldn't. I wasn't thinking you would just eat it. That's... badass. That's awesome." And he turns around, just this big giant nude guy, and he says, "Oh, so you guys are here to see The Watchman, huh?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "Yep. Yeah."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Tonathan: "Yeah, dude. Do we all need to get naked and barf?"

DM Murph: "Uh, no. Nobody- you know what? We're all kinda naked in the eyes of The Watchman, because he does see all, so I figured, let it hang out."

Beverly: "True that."

Hardwon: "Solid."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "How are you guys doing?"

Hardwon: "Moonshine, do you want your overalls back, or you good?"

Moonshine: "I'm gonna wait for this vomit to evaporate a little bit so I don't get it on my overalls."

Tonathan: [gags and splutters]

Hardwon: "Fair enough, fair enough."

DM Murph: "You know, I should have made you vomit maybe not near the altar. This was a little sacrilegious on my part, but-"

Beverly: I start cleaning it up.

DM Murph: "Aw, thank you so much. You guys-"

Beverly: "Absolutely."

DM Murph: "You guys are a good little gang here. What's up, guys, I'm Uku. I am the ambassador to the outside world for The Watchman."

Hardwon: "How's it going, Uku? I'm Hardwon."

Tonathan: "Hi, I'm Tonathan. I've travelled long and far to get here and, uh, I just- oh, I've got so many questions. I know you're-"

DM Murph: "Well you're just a little guy, huh?" And you see he picks you up, and he just starts throwing you around like a football. Says-

Tonathan: [nauseously] "Ohhh. I've just been puking. Oh. Oh, uh, ohhh!"

Hardwon: [unintelligible] the new guy. That was a scoop!

DM Murph: He's got you like a bouncing baby, just throwing you up and catching you.

Tonathan: I throw up.

Moonshine: It's crazy, ‘cause he-

DM Murph: "Wow, everybody's throwing up, huh? This is disgusting."

Beverly: "It's pretty gross. I'm running out of rags."

Tonathan: I cast Prestidigitation to make it smell like lemons.

DM Murph: "Wow. You guys are great. I love this crew."

Beverly: "You wanna- "

Moonshine: I turn my nose up. "What's that terrible smell? What is that?"

Beverly: "You're not what I expected. Beverly Toegold, by the way. Would you like a s’more?"

DM Murph: "Absolutely."

Beverly: "I give him a s’more."

DM Murph: He eats the s’more right there, and he just wipes his sticky marshmallow hands on his thighs, because he's nude. He has no clothes to do it on.

Moonshine: "You know, for someone who distributes poison berries, I'm sup-"

DM Murph: "They're not- I mean, come on... poison?"

Moonshine: "I'm surprised that you would so willingly eat this s’more."

DM Murph: [with childlike enthusiasm] "Oh, wait. Is this a prank? Is this a prank s’more?"

Hardwon: "We all love pranks."

Moonshine: I snuck a berry into it.

Beverly: [surprised and amused] What?! [laughter]

DM Murph: "I do like pranks, but you know, third eye!" He points to his tattoo. I don't think anybody's pranking me."

Beverly: [laughter] "Ah, he who cannot be pranked. Gosh, I wish I knew you in middle school.”

Moonshine: I make another smore and give it to him.

Tonathan: "Same."

DM Murph: "Oh, I'm not falling for this."

Moonshine: "Melora be damned!"

DM Murph: "So, you came here to seek the knowledge of The Watchman, right?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Tonathan: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Okay."

Beverly: "Can I just give you, like, a towel or something to wear?"

DM Murph: "Um, no."

Beverly: "Okay."

Tonathan: [laughter]

DM Murph: "Guys, we're all nude in the eyes of The Watchman, he sees all."

Beverly: "Sure, just like, I'm at waist level with you..."

DM Murph: "She's all- Moonshine's also nude."

Tonathan: "Yeah, it's really, right in the eye level."

Beverly: "Tonathan and I are, like, waist level, and that's just not- I mean, you know what? You're right.

DM Murph: "You know, people are different sizes. Let's just accept everyone-"

Tonathan: "We gotta be respectful."

Hardwon: "We're in his temple, man. Maybe not-"

DM Murph: "Let's just accept everyone for who they are, okay? Why not?"

Hardwon: "Yeah. Just avert your eyes."

Beverly: "Okay."

DM Murph: "So anyway, guys. So The Watchman is dangerous, okay, because he can see everything, so he'll tell you the truth, but he doesn't care what you do with it, right? But I do, okay? I watch The Watchman. Okay."

Hardwon: "Nice."

Beverly: "Oh, it's him."

DM Murph: "I ensure that only those with good intentions can seek his knowledge. Okay?"

Tonathan: "Fair enough. Good policy."

Beverly: "Absolutely."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "So, in order to seek the knowledge of The Watchman, you've gotta pass a few of our 'deadly trials' to 'prove that you are worthy,' then I'll let you climb the tower and meet The Watchman, and you can each ask him a question. Does that sound good?"

Hardwon: "Let's talk about it as a group. Sounds fine to me."

Tonathan: "Deadly trials? Uh-"

Hardwon: "I just heard trials."

Tonathan: [nervously] "Okay."

Beverly: "I heard tests, and I am excited."

DM Murph: "Well we need to make sure that you're great, ‘cause any second that The Watchman is wasting talking to somebody, he can't keep his eyes on the world, you know, and he's a god, so."

Moonshine: "Oh. Interesting."

Beverly: "Wow."

Hardwon: "And he can see everybody nude, right?"

DM Murph: "He- everybody's nude. Well, I mean he just sees everything. So he sees, like, if you're just in your room getting changed-"

Hardwon: "So he's not like a pervert."

DM Murph: "He has seen your dick."

Hardwon: "Okay. That's what I was getting at. Cool."

DM Murph: "Well he's kind of, I mean, I wouldn't call him a perv, but he's curious for sure. ‘Cause he was a god-"

Hardwon: "He's a peeping Tom."

DM Murph: "He was-"

Hardwon: "He sounds like a voyeur."

DM Murph: "Yeah. So you see this painting here?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

DM Murph: He shows you guys the painting with this one three-eyed guy and all of the other spirits in bubbles. He points to the bubbles. He says, "These are the other gods. So, The Watchman and a bunch of other primordial beings, you know, Pelor and Asmodeus and such-"

Moonshine: "Melora?"

DM Murph: " -created the realm, and at one time they also lived here, but they disagreed on how to run stuff, so they destroyed the world and all the mortals were killed, but then they rebuilt it -"

Tonathan: "Ah, the reboot."

DM Murph: "and then all the gods decided that they were gonna go off to their own planes to kind of make it fair, and now the only way they influence the world is through the powers that they give their worshippers. Except for The Watchman. He liked the mortal realm so much that he gave up a lot of his powers just so he could stay on the mortal plane and watch. So, all powerful god guy who kinda just sits around watching everything, but he doesn't, uh, doesn't do much."

Tonathan: I'm just furiously taking notes. I'm just like, "Can I quote you on all of this? I- I- some primary source material is gonna be great for my thesis."

Beverly: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

[laughter]

Beverly: "Can we- all right, so these trials. How many rules are there?"

DM Murph: "Rules? There are no rules."

Beverly: "Oh."

Tonathan: "Just right."

DM Murph: "It's just, uh- you just gotta fight some stuff and figure some stuff out."

Beverly: "That sounds like our kinda deal."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I'm not afraid of a deathly trial."

Beverly: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Cool with me."

Beverly: "Can we go together?"

DM Murph: "Of course you can all go together."

Beverly: "Wow. Alright!"

Moonshine: "Alright, yeah. I'll lead us in the way. I'll do whatever I need to get council."

Tonathan: "Oh my gosh. I'm so lucky I found you guys."

DM Murph: "Alright, crew!"

Moonshine: "Yeah I wo-"

DM Murph: "Let's go do the trials!"

Hardwon: "You're a real adventurer now, Tonathan."

Tonathan: "Oh my gosh."

Moonshine: "Tonathan, I feel like in another world, you came and did these deathly trials on your own, and that makes me feel nervous."

Tonathan: "Yeah. Yeah, me too."

Beverly: "Extremely."

Hardwon: "I heard Tonathan has been doing, uh-"

DM Murph: "Are you Tonathan? This little guy?" He picks up Tonathan again and starts throwing him around."

Tonathan: [vomiting, coughing and spitting]

DM Murph: "Oh, this guy would have for sure died in these trials. Wow."

Tonathan: [nauseously] "Oh. Oh, stop throwing me, please?"

Hardwon: Tonathan Tinkle.

DM Murph: So, Uku leads you guys to a door at the end of the hall, and he says, "So, there are three stages to the trial. First one is in here. Once you pass, you'll be able to move on to the next room and the next stage. I'll watch, but I'm not gonna help. If you guys fail, tell you what, I'll bury your guys' bodies in a prime spot. What do you say?"

Hardwon: "Right by the waterfall?"

DM Murph: "What do you say, gang? Right by the waterfall!"

Hardwon: "Thanks, dude."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I would say, um, I would say bury me in the mushroom garden that you cultivate in my death."

DM Murph: "Oh... we don't- we usually cut out the mushrooms, but-"

Moonshine: "I know, I saw."

DM Murph: "Okay."

Moonshine: "It's a genocide, what you're doing."

DM Murph: "Wow. That's... hyperbole."

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Why don't we get into the trials, huh?"

Moonshine: "Okay."

DM Murph: So, he opens the door. You guys see this first room- he takes you in a large room. There's a red carpet, the walls have a different version of the mural you guys saw out in the main room. This one is of all of the gods at war and it spans across all four of the walls. There's a big treasure chest in the middle of the room, with a lit candle hovering above it. You guys also see another door at the back end of the room and you see Uku just walks over to the door and he sits down next to it and he says, "Alright, gang. Figure it out."

Hardwon: "This is like an escape room."

Beverly: "Oh. Yeah, I've done some of these back in Galaderon."

Hardwon: Hardwon's just gonna go over and try the door next to-

Beverly: Yeah.

[laughter]

DM Murph: It's locked, believe it or not.

Moonshine: Can I use Chill Touch to 'tsss' out the candle?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: So I use my Chill Touch cantrip and then ‘tsss.’

DM Murph: ‘Tss.’

Moonshine: ‘Tss.’

DM Murph: You just suffocate the candle. Cool. Goes out.

Hardwon: "Shall we try to open this chest?"

Beverly: Does anything change in the room? Are there any glow-in-the-dark bits?

DM Murph: It gets darker.

Beverly: Okay. So nothing's glowing in the dark?

DM Murph: Nothing's glowing in the dark.

Beverly: That sucks.

Tonathan: I'm gonna- I'll cast Mage Hand and send that out to try and open the chest.

Moonshine: Ooh, that's a good call.

Beverly: Okay

DM Murph: Cool. You-

Moonshine: While keeping a safe distance.

Tonathan: Yeah.

DM Murph: You open the chest and nothing happens. Do you wanna investigate the chest?

Beverly: Now that the chest is open, I wanna relight the candle.

Moonshine: Cool. Yeah. I'm into that.

DM Murph: Cool. You light the candle, a fire elemental bursts out of the chest. Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: I blow out the candle! I blow out the candle!

DM Murph: Roll initiative.

Tonathan: Well.

Hardwon: [laughter]

Moonshine: Ugh.

Hardwon: That was a nat 1.

Beverly: Ooh.

Hardwon: For Hard-nat-1.

Beverly: Nathaniel 1. We've got the Nathan himself here.

Moonshine: I got a 2.

Tonathan: Oooh.

Beverly: Hmm.

Tonathan: I rolled an 8, plus 2 is 10.

Moonshine: So 4 is technically my initiative.

Hardwon: Alright. 6 is mine, I guess.

DM Murph: What'd you get, Bev?

Beverly: Uh, 12.

Moonshine: Gotta be honest, guys, I did not stock battle spells as much.

Hardwon: Mine's 5, sorry.

DM Murph: Okay. So, Bev, you're actually first. Everyone rolled terribly, including the fire elemental.

Beverly: I don't know how- is it like solid? Would I be able to strike it with a sword?

DM Murph: Your sword is not magical, so it has resistance. It would take half damage.

Beverly: What if I did a Divine Smite?

DM Murph: It would take the full 2d8s for Divine Smite.

Beverly: Okay. Yeah, I'm not gonna waste any time, I'm just gonna Divine Smite this thing right off the bat.

DM Murph: Go.

Hardwon: Alright.

Tonathan: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: Take a swing and see if you hit first.

Beverly: ... That's a 4 plus attack 6, so 10.

DM Murph: 10. That does not hit.

Beverly: Ah, boy.

DM Murph: You swing and the fire elemental scoots out of the way. That is Tonathan.

Tonathan: "It's me. Uh...okay. I have prepared for this. Uh... my first real combat outside of the institute. I- I can do this." I cast Bless. Choose up to three creatures of my choice within range, and whenever they make an attack roll or saving throw before the spell ends, they can add a d4 to the roll, and so I just touch you guys and I say, "You guys got this!"

Beverly: "Thanks Tona- okay, so that was your- that was your action was to- Okay, cool."

Tonathan: "It's to- it's to help. I wanna-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, he Blessed us. That's a good thing."

Hardwon: d4?

Beverly: "Oh, thanks Tonathan!"

Moonshine: Add a d4 to rolls?

Tonathan: Add a d4 to attack roll- yeah, for the next minute. Up to a minute.

DM Murph: So as Tonathan does that nice thing, this whirling ball of inferno flies at him and attempts to slam him.

Tonathan: "Oh no!"

DM Murph: 11 to hit. What's your AC?

Tonathan: My AC is 18.

DM Murph: Dope! You get out of the way.

Beverly: That's a good AC.

Tonathan: Thank you.

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: Oh yeah, cause you're multi-classed with a cleric, right?

Tonathan: Yes.

DM Murph: Okay, so you get to wear heavy armor.

Beverly: Oh, dang!

Tonathan: Yeah, and a shield.

Moonshine: Oooh.

DM Murph: 16. He does not hit you on that one either. So, you see Tonathan, after Blessing you guys - he's this little gnome - suddenly pulls out this shield and expertly blocks this fire as it comes down, like a- It almost looks like a dragon's breath going down onto a knight as he bravely blocks this wall of fire.

Hardwon: "Alright. More badass than we thought, Tinkle."

Tonathan: “Yay!”

DM Murph: That's you Hardwon.

Hardwon: Okay. That's an 11.

DM Murph: 11 total?

Hardwon: Uh, yes, but I haven't rolled that d4 yet.

DM Murph: Oh, okay. Alright. So as long as you don't roll a 1, you'll hit.

Hardwon: I rolled a 2!

Beverly: Nice.

Moonshine: [sigh of relief]

DM Murph: Okay. You barely hit. With all of the help from Tonathan.

Hardwon: Do I have a magic axe?

DM Murph: You do have a magic axe so you'll do full damage.

Moonshine: Oh yeah.

DM Murph: So roll your damage.

Hardwon: That is 11.

DM Murph: You swing into this being of fire. There's this burst of energy as it hits, and you see for a second the fire comes apart, but then kind of starts to reform. That is... Moonshine.

Moonshine: I would like to hock a loogie into my hand and then cast Shape Water on it to turn it into ice.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: For flavor, if you would like to do as much damage as your normal scimitar, but you're throwing like spit water at him, I will allow that.

Moonshine: Yeah. Okay.

DM Murph: You're using a spit water sword?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, just do like a scimitar attack.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: You can also do Fungal Entity or whatever else you need to do.

Beverly: We all have canteens full of water on us, right?

DM Murph: It's not gonna do much damage.

Beverly: Right.

DM Murph: He's not a- you know, he's not a campfire.

Tonathan: Technically-

Beverly: I would know a campfire when I saw one.

DM Murph: He doesn't-

Moonshine: 11 isn't gonna hit him, right?

DM Murph: 11 doesn't hit him.

Moonshine: Okay, well then I also turn into a fungal queen.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: I might as well just stay as this bitch for a while.

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Does it take an action to Wild Shape? Yes it does. You can't turn into a Fungal Queen this turn.

Moonshine: Goddamn it. Alright, well I fucking Spores him.

DM Murph: He has damage immunity to poison and it's poison damage, right?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, he doesn't take it. You spit it into him and you see the spores just get burnt up in flames.

Moonshine: Gol’ dang!

Beverly: Oh no!

Moonshine: I kick the wall. I'm pissed.

DM Murph: [laughter] That's you, Bev.

Beverly: A monster that's immune to Emily's Spores. This is not gonna go well.

Moonshine: Ugh.

Beverly: Alright, well. I'm gonna go ahead and cast Shield of Faith on Moonshine.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "Thank you, young Bev."

Beverly: And then, I wanna try somethiiiing...

DM Murph: Okay, what do you wanna do?

Beverly: I'm going to use Command.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: You speak a one word command to a creature you can see within range. The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or follow the command on its next turn.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: So, do I just do that and you make a roll?

DM Murph: Yep.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: [rolls dice]... He rolled a 16.

Beverly: Darn.

DM Murph: So he ignores your command. Tonathan, you're up.

Hardwon: Ooh, c'mon Tonnie. Heeeere's Tonnie!

[laughter]

Tonathan: "It's me!" Uh-

Beverly: "You got this, bud!"

Tonathan: I'll cast Ray of Frost.

Beverly: Oh.

Moonshine: Yeahhh.

Beverly: That's gonna be much better than what we did!

Tonathan: I rolled a natural 1!

DM Murph: Ha!

Hardwon: That is unnatural, son!

Moonshine: Oh no! Oh, Melora!

Beverly: Wait, don't you have the-

Tonathan: Oh, I do have my Portent.

Beverly: Use your Portent.

Tonathan: Okay, I'm gonna change that to an 11.

Moonshine: Yeahhh.

Beverly: Okay.

Tonathan: And then add my plus 6, yeah.

DM Murph: Spell attack modifier? That hits. Yeah, so roll your damage.

Tonathan: Okay cool.

Hardwon: Whoa. Smart. Good memory.

Tonathan: So he takes 4 damage and is 10 feet slower.

DM Murph: Oh! Okay. Yeah, so he moves a little slower. So you see the flames slow down a bit.

Hardwon: Mesmerising.

DM Murph: Cool. That is... him. He's gonna charge for Tonathan again. He's so mad at him for slowing him down.

Moonshine: [gasp of concern]

Beverly: "Tonathan, no!"

DM Murph: And he's definitely gonna hit that time. That's a 22 to hit.

Beverly: "Don't let your scrolls get burned! I haven't read those yet."

Tonathan: I have a spell that I can cast as a reaction called Shield that will increase my armor by 5.

DM Murph: Ohh. By 5.

Hardwon: Oh. And that would just get you out, right?

Tonathan: Yeah. So I'd like to do that.

DM Murph: Perfect. So that takes your AC up to what?

Tonathan: 23, yeah.

DM Murph: Okay. He misses you and... he'll take another swing... and he hits this time.

Tonathan: Aw dang.

DM Murph: He got a 26 to hit.

Tonathan: Okay.

DM Murph: Or a 25 to hit, rather.

Tonathan: Alright.

DM Murph: Cool. So... that is going to be 10 damage.

Tonathan: “Ahhh!”

DM Murph: And you light on fire.

Tonathan: [panicking] "No- ahh! Ahh! Guys! Guys!"

Hardwon: "Oh shit. Chase the water."

Beverly: "Stop drop and roll. Stop drop and roll!"

DM Murph: You guys see Tonathan go up in flames.

Tonathan: "Ahh!"

Hardwon: Can I cover him with my travel cloak?

DM Murph: You can use that as an action if you'd like to.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'll do it.

DM Murph: Okay. You throw the cloak over Tonathan and pat him out as he starts to panic.

Tonathan: "Oh. Oh."

Hardwon: "There you go. There you go, Tinkle. You're good, buddy."

Moonshine: "Okay."

DM Murph: Moonshine, you're up.

Moonshine: Alright. Can I use a bonus action before I use my action?

DM Murph: Yep.

Moonshine: Okay, I'm gonna Shillelagh my quarterstaff and then become a Fungal Entity.

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: So...

DM Murph: So you got a Shillelagh and you're Fungus Queen.

Moonshine: "Yeah, and I look like what all y'all hate. Try an' pick me outta your garden."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Bev, you're up.

Beverly: I want to use my shield to try and smother the flame a little bit. So basically, I just wanna ram at it.

DM Murph: Make an athletics check.

Beverly: Okay.... So... 14 plus- that's 20.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: Nice!

DM Murph: So you ram your shield in him. You know what, I'll say- you do have a magic shield so I'll let you do a full d6 plus your bonus damage.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Okay, so-

Moonshine: Young stud.

Tonathan: Yeah!

Hardwon: Yup!

Moonshine: Goin' in there.

Beverly: It doesn't have a mouth, does it?

DM Murph: It does have a mouth. Yeah.

Beverly: Oh, it does have a mouth? Cool. Alright, one second.

Hardwon: "You got your eye on some teeth, kid?"

[laughter]

Beverly: Does it have fiery teeth?

DM Murph: It does not have teeth.

Beverly: That's a bummer. That's a bummer and I think we can all agree. Alright, so I got a 4, plus my bonus, which is 6. Do I get the full bonus that I would for my longsword for my shield?

DM Murph: For your longsword, yeah.

Beverly: Okay, so that's 10.

DM Murph: Okay. Cool. So you do 10 damage to him. You ram him.

Beverly: Yeah, and while I've got him, I ram him against the wall I pull up-

DM Murph: You don't ram him against the wall. You're in the middle of the room.

Beverly: Oh, okay. So I just bump him.

DM Murph: Yep. You bumped him.

Beverly: We just bump up. Alright.

Hardwon: It's almost like you dapped him.

[laughter]

DM Murph: I will say if- okay, since your shield is a magic item, I'll let you get the full attack off, but you'll need to do an acrobatics check to not catch on fire when you ram him.

Beverly: Cool cool cool. Should I do the check?

DM Murph: Cool, so do an acrobatics check, yeah. That will be how we keep this not complete Looney Toons.

Moonshine: "Oh, young Bev."... Ooh!

Beverly: That's 15 plus acrobatics-

DM Murph: Perfect! You ram him. You see some of the flames are like absorbed in the shield and you're able to back up before he can kinda grab you and light you up.

Beverly: My fire safety patch glistening as I backflip away.

DM Murph: That is you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: Okay. Did Beverly like, move him away from me at all or?

DM Murph: No.

Tonathan: Okay, so-

Beverly: Closer, actually.

Tonathan: Great. Great great great. What's my owl- what's Barnaby doing in all of this?

DM Murph: He's just panicked, flying around the top of the room.

Tonathan: Okay.

Hardwon: "Yeah, keep Barnaby away. He's very flammable."

Tonathan: "Oh yeah, that's fair. Alright. Barnaby, you keep a safe distance." I guess I-

Moonshine: You could grab my scimitar off my back.

Tonathan: I think I've got a better chance of hitting with Shocking Grasp.

Beverly: Yeah, okay.

Tonathan: I just rolled a 1 the last time, but maybe I'll use the purple dice.

DM Murph: Cool.

Tonathan: See if that does any different.

Hardwon: It will.

Tonathan: [Surprised] Alright. Uh, 18.

DM Murph: 18 hits.

Moonshine: Whoa.

Tonathan: Okay, great.

Moonshine: "Yeah, fuck 'im up!"

Tonathan: That's gonna do 2 damage but it also can't take reactions so I'm gonna use that to back up my 25 ft.

Beverly: Perfect. Fuck that flame!

Moonshine: Oh yeah.

DM Murph: That is the fire, who is mad about being rammed by Beverly-

Beverly: Fair enough.

DM Murph: -and is gonna swing down on him. And miss with the first one, and swing again and... a 16 is not gonna hit you, so he misses twice.

Beverly: Nope. No, sir.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Ooh. What a strong boy.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so that is Hardwon.

Moonshine: "Alright Hardwon, finish him off."

Hardwon: I will just swing at him with the great axe. And that is a 15.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: Great.

Beverly: Nice!

Moonshine: Oh, fuck him up!

Hardwon: That's 9.

DM Murph: 9 damage. Okay. He's starting to look pretty fucked up. He's much smaller-he's a much smaller fire elemental than he was when he started.

Hardwon: "Now I can sort of warm my hands by you, man."

DM Murph: More of an ember elemental, if you will.

Hardwon: "Bev, you still got any more of those s’mores kid?"

[laughter]

Beverly: "Oh hell yeah!"

DM Murph: Moonshine, Moonshine you’re up.

Moonshine: Okay, so ugh, he's completely neutralised my abilities because I can't even add my extra d6 even if I do hit him, but I'm still just gonna attack at him.

DM Murph: Okay, go for it.

Moonshine: [rolls dice]

Beverly: Oooh!

Moonshine: Ooh, that's gonna hit, baby. [rolls dice]

Beverly: Ah, nice.

Moonshine: Woo! Okay. 10.

Hardwon: What?!

DM Murph: 10 damage? Nice.

Moonshine: 10 damage.

DM Murph: You bat at him with the club as you are able to land this stick on this ball of fire.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Can I- instead of just whacking him, can I do like an 'm' shape on him?

DM Murph: Yeah. Yeah, you do some fire art. Some sick fire art.

Beverly: Oh, you're like a fire dancer.

Tonathan: M for 'Mmm, that's a good hit.'

[laughter]

DM Murph: He starts to reform around the wound, but he gets a little bit smaller.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Ton- or, Bev, that is you.

Moonshine: Retreat.

Beverly: Alright. Hardwon has given me an idea.

Hardwon: [intrigued] Oh.

Beverly: I take some sugar clouds, which is the Galaderon brand of marshmallow, from my pouch.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I put them onto my javelin.

Tonathan: [excited squeal] You’re gonna roast-

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: [wary, sensing shenanigans] Okay.

Beverly: And then I do a roasty throw. I fire that javelin right at him.

DM Murph: Just toss a javelin at him? Okay, roll an attack roll.

Beverly: Cool.

Tonathan: Even if it misses, it's gonna be delicious.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Beverly: No, it fell off the table. Off the table!

Hardwon: Doesn't count unless it was a 20!

Beverly: [rolls dice] ... that's a 7 plus 6.

Moonshine: Wait, do you get to add your d4?

Beverly: Ooh, and you get the d- that's 13.

DM Murph: That's 13. You hit.

Hardwon: You hit.

Tonathan: That's a d6.

Beverly: Yeah. Okay. Oh, right, sorry, I rolled too much. But yes, I hit. I hit!

Tonathan: Oh, okay.

Hardwon: That's all that matters.

DM Murph: Roll your damage.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: And he'll take half.

Beverly: Is that gonna be- oh, that's my d6.

Tonathan: Remember to add the marshmallow damage.

DM Murph: Yeah, we'll add marshmallow toast.

Hardwon: Can we roll for deliciousness?

Moonshine: Ooh, let's roll how toasted they get.

Beverly: That's... 6 plus 4.

DM Murph: Okay, so 10, so 5.

Beverly: Cool. And let me know if I can do this. It's fine if I can't. I want to try and throw a berry into its open mouth.

DM Murph: He's a ball of fire. He's a fire... man.

Moonshine: Yeah. He's not gonna puke.

Hardwon: And if it puked it would maybe be more fire.

DM Murph: Yeah, you can roll- you can-

Beverly: No, it'll probably have the key!

DM Murph: You can roll for toastiness on your marshmallows.

Beverly: Yeah, I wanna see if I got it just crisp enough or if it got burned.

DM Murph: Yeah. Roll your... roll for toastiness.

Hardwon: What's the-

Beverly: That's an 11.

Tonathan: Perfect.

Hardwon: What's the modifier on that then?

DM Murph: An 11?

Hardwon: What does he add?

Moonshine: Uh, maybe we could use that 18 that you rolled ahead of time?

Tonathan: Yeah, this is what I should use it on. Yeah.

DM Murph: That's pretty good. You throw the javelin, it goes right through the fire elemental. He takes a little bit of damage and then the javelin just falls on the ground and you see the well cooked marshmallows just splat on the ground and kind of get cruddy in the javelin.

Beverly: "Nooo!"

Tonathan: Aw, what a waste.

DM Murph: But they're still there. They're still kebabed.

Hardwon: They're edible.

Beverly: "Paw Paw, you want a marshmallow?"

Hardwon: "Five second rule, Paw Paw."

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw, ] "Reeer. Reer reer reer." Paw Paw runs over and starts eating the marshmallow and immediately starts coughing like he doesn't understand how marshmallows go. [hissing noises as Paw Paw chokes a little on the marshmallows] He gets them stuck on his mouth.

Moonshine: "Paw Paw, get!"

DM Murph: He starts scrambling trying to claw at his tongue to get the marshmallow.

Moonshine: "Paw Paw, we are in the middle of battle"

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Paw Paw, this is indecent. You are getting put on your diamond leash."

Hardwon: I'd like the owl to go down and get some marshmallow, too.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Tonathan, that's you.

Tonathan: It's me! I'm gonna- I'm at a safe distance now, so I'm gonna Ray of Frost. I rolled a 15, plus 6.

DM Murph: 21.

Beverly: Ooh.

Hardwon: Oh yeah!

DM Murph: Yeah, that hits.

Tonathan: So let's get-

Beverly: That's a good roll.

Moonshine: Ooh.

Tonathan: Let's get some more frost. 5 damage.

DM Murph: 5 damage. Cool.

Moonshine: And won't that do an extra damage? Won't that do extra damage because he's- because it's ice?

Tonathan: It's just not halved, I think.

DM Murph: Yeah, it's just not halved.

Moonshine: Oh.

Tonathan: How much more does this thing look like it can take?

DM Murph: Not much.

Tonathan: Okay.

DM Murph: It's not on death's door, but it's... very hurt.

Tonathan: Alright.

DM Murph: Cool. That is this thing’s turn.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Good to know.

DM Murph: Gonna keep swinging down on Beverly.

Beverly: Fire is but one of Pelor's children, so.

DM Murph: He takes a swing and that's a 20 to hit.

Beverly: Okay, okay.

DM Murph: So he hits you for 8 damage on the first hit and you light on fire.

Beverly: [Alarmed] Oookay!

DM Murph: And he swings again and misses you as you stop, drop and roll. You're just- Beverly is just on fire running around.

Beverly: "Stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll!"

DM Murph: Hardwon, you're up.

Beverly: I think I'm like-

Hardwon: "That's how you earn that fire patch."

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: That was a nat 20.

[celebration and whooping]

DM Murph: Oh and you get- your axe gets an extra die.

Moonshine: This is-

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: You guys needed this. You guys needed this real bad.

Moonshine: Don't you crit on like a 19?

Hardwon: Yeah, I crit on a 19 too.

Moonshine: Whoa.

Hardwon: So I roll- so this is-

Tonathan: So you roll 3d12s.

Hardwon: [in disbelief] I roll 3d12s plus 6?

DM Murph: Yep.

Hardwon: Jesus Christ.

Moonshine: Yoooo!

Beverly: My dude, Hardwon.

Tonathan: You get to reroll 1s and 2s.

Hardwon: Wow. If I don't kill him this is going to be embarrassing.

Hardwon: So, that is a...

Tonathan: You add the 6 at the end, right?

Hardwon: 6-

DM Murph: Yep.

Hardwon: Alright. Alright, got it. So that's 10... 20... 27 plus 6?

DM Murph: Dope. Jesus. Yeah, finish him.

Hardwon: Yes!

Beverly: Woo!

Moonshine: Aw damn!

Tonathan: You cut fire with an axe.

Moonshine: Yeah, how do you wanna kill this fire?

Beverly: You fought fire with... axe.

Tonathan: [laughter] As the saying goes.

Hardwon: I know you didn't want me to do it, but since I rolled a 27, can we please all puke on him?

DM Murph: Sure. Yes.

Tonathan: Yaaaaay!

Hardwon: Great. We're in a circle and all holding hands. We're taking a berry and we're gonna throw up on this guy.

Moonshine: Can I cast Shape Water so that all of our vomits freeze?

DM Murph: Uh, yeah.

Hardwon: Oh, so they sprinkle down on him.

Moonshine: Okay.

[laughter]

DM Murph: He is extinguished in a ray of vomit.

Beverly: Oh berry good. Berry good.

Moonshine: [heaving] Wait, we have to all make a vomit sound.

[all heaving and vomiting]

Hardwon: Now I'm pointing right at Uku and winking at him.

Beverly: There's just- there's so much crawfish poop coming out.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Gross.

Hardwon: I don't know if it was the berry or the crawfish that did it to be honest.

DM Murph: So you guys finish this fire elemental, he goes away, the chest closes and the candle lights back up.

Moonshine: Oh, so it just fucking reset?

DM Murph: So here's what has happened so far. You guys put out the candle with the Chill Touch. The chest just opened. You lit the candle, a fire elemental came out. That's what happened so far. The fire elemental is dead. Chest is closed.

Tonathan: Let's put the candle out, right?

Moonshine: Well yeah, I got a- I completely fucking wasted that Wild Shape. Okay, well, I'm no longer a Fungus Queen because I'd like to cast Chill Touch, put the fire out again- you know what we need to do? I wonder if we need the fire elemental to like burn the door down, or something like that?

Beverly: I think maybe if we'd just looked inside the chest while the-

Tonathan: Yeah, we might have solved the puzzle and could have avoided the fight.

Beverly: I think that- yeah, if we had opened the chest while the light was on the fire elemental would have protected it. But, when the light is out, I think that we can just open the chest without a problem.

Moonshine: That was my original instinct. I thought you said that the chest was empty?

Beverly: Was the chest empty? Did we just not-

DM Murph: No, you guys lit the candle as you got there.

Tonathan: No, we just immediately relit the candle.

Moonshine: Oh.

DM Murph: Moonshine put it out, Beverly lit it up. A fire elemental came out.

Beverly: We did the equivalent of like going into the basement and flipping all the breakers.

DM Murph: Yes. Exactly.

Moonshine: Okay, wow. That was-

Hardwon: So let's take- yeah, that's-

Tonathan: So let's do it again.

Moonshine: Chill Touch.

Beverly: Chill Touch.

Tonathan: Chill Touch.

DM Murph: Open the Chest?

Tonathan: Open-

Moonshine: Actually, wait. Why don't I stay as a Fungus then? If we don't need Chill Touch, why doesn't someone just blow it out?

Hardwon: Yeah, I can do that. I puke on-

DM Murph: So you're blowing on the-

Moonshine: I'm still a Fungus Queen.

Hardwon: I have a little bit of puke left.

Tonathan: Yeah, a little bit of puke left? Good.

Moonshine: You did like a little breathy like [vomit sound]

DM Murph: Wait. Tell me exactly how you're putting the candle out? With puke?

Hardwon: Uh, no. I'm just gonna hock on it [hocks]. Dry heave. [laughter]

DM Murph: Okay, so you blow it out?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay. Chest is still closed. What do you do?

Hardwon: Now we're gonna open it, right?

DM Murph: You open it.

Beverly: Uh-huh.

DM Murph: [woosh] Air elemental pops out.

Beverly: God dang!

DM Murph: Roll initiative.

Tonathan: Okay!

Hardwon: No!

Moonshine: Jeeesus fucking Chriiiiiiist.

Beverly: Guys, I think I solved it.

Moonshine: [groans]

Beverly: I think I get how the puzzle works now.

Hardwon: That's another nat 1.

Moonshine: Please tell me that this air elemental can be poisoned.

DM Murph: ... Absolutely not.

Moonshine: Mother fucker!

Beverly: So wait, when-

Hardwon: We need to put it out with our fingers and then open the chest. But, here we are.

Tonathan: We need to fight this air elemental first.

Hardwon: And now we need to fight an air elemental.

DM Murph: What did everybody roll?

Beverly: 8.

Moonshine: We gotta roll?

Hardwon: A 1.

Moonshine: 14.

Tonathan: I got a 7.

DM Murph: So, Moonshine. You act first against this air elemental.

Moonshine: Ugh. I am going to just attack it, even though it won't take any poison damage.

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Moonshine: I definitely hit it. I got a 23.

DM Murph: Perfect.

Moonshine: 6.

DM Murph: 6 damage? Okay, yeah you do crack this elemental for 6 damage. It's magical damage because it’s your Shillelagh, so you're cool. So that takes us to the air elemental who will swing on Moonshine, because Moonshine-

Moonshine: "Bring it on! Come on!"

DM Murph: So he's gonna use two slam attacks on you and he's probably still gonna hit. That's a 22 to hit.

Moonshine: Yeah, that's gonna hit.

DM Murph: He does... 10 damage to you on the first one and he takes another swing and he hits again, I'm sorry.

Beverly: Oooh boy.

DM Murph: ... for 21 damage.

Beverly: Ohhhh.

Hardwon: What the fuck?!?

Beverly: What? Are you down?

Moonshine: No, I'm not down.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: I am down to 7.

Beverly: Okay, alright.

Hardwon: Take a peek at Bev's am... ulet.

Beverly: That- yeah that-

Tonathan: You got tore up by the tornado!

DM Murph: Cool. That is... Beverly.

Beverly: Ok. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the elementals. Is there like a core-

Moonshine: Just attack it.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: Fucking attack it.

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: For the love of god, somebody kill these elementals.

Beverly: Yep.

DM Murph: What'd you get?

Beverly: That's 10 plus 6, or- yeah, that's 16.

DM Murph: Oh. You hit. Great. Yeah. Go for it.

Beverly: Alright. cool.

DM Murph: Roll your damage.

Beverly: That's 8.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Great.

DM Murph: So you slam into him with your shield for 8 damage.

Beverly: Nice. Fundamentals, baby.

Hardwon: Fundamental elemental.

Moonshine: If we get a rest, I can-

DM Murph: That is Tonathan.

Tonathan: Here's what I'm gonna do. I was pretty impressed with how good a job Hardwon did at slicing up that last one. So I'm gonna try and give him a boost. I'm gonna cast Enlarge/Reduce on Hardwon.

DM Murph: Ohhh shit!

Hardwon: Don't. Don't reduce!

Tonathan: I'm gonna make Hardwon huge.

Moonshine: I'm gonna make Hardwon so tiny he can fit into the box and find the key.

Hardwon: [in a tiny shrunken squeaky voice] No!

Tonathan: That does replace- it is another concentration spell so that replaces the Bless but it means you get to add an extra d4 of damage when you hit.

DM Murph: Hardwon, you're up.

Tonathan: So you're big.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: Hardwon's-

Tonathan: I've made you big.

Beverly: He's this-

Hardwon: Wow, and I was already pretty big, but now I'm looking over at Uku again.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Nodding like 'what's up'.

DM Murph: [as Uku] "Wow."

Tonathan: You also have advantage on athletics checks.

Hardwon: Dope. I'm gonna give Tonathan a quick pound.

DM Murph: [laughter] Like a giant fist.

Hardwon: Take a swing of the axe.

Beverly: Crumples.

Hardwon: And that is a... 22.

DM Murph: 22 that hits. Do your damage.

Hardwon: That is a...

Beverly: [singing] Do your dam.

Hardwon: So that's 12 and then I get to roll a d4?

Tonathan: Mmhmm.

DM Murph: Yeah. Man, you fuck up this wind!

Beverly: so big- [laughter]

Tonathan: You get to reroll that 1.

Hardwon: Oh, and I get to reroll the 1?

Beverly: Wait a minute!

Hardwon: So that's 15.

DM Murph: 15 damage.

Moonshine: What does it feel like to hit wind? Does it feel like slicing through frosting or something?

Beverly: It's called breaking wind.

Hardwon: I'll tell you what, Hardwon looks awesome doing it. It's the beard and the hair just flying.

Moonshine: [laughter] His beard is-

DM Murph: It's like striking out in baseball. Just like feeling the wind of the ball as it goes by you.

Beverly: What's-

DM Murph: So it looks super lame.

Moonshine: The beard is flying over your shoulder.

Hardwon: Wait, how big am I? I was 6'6” before.

DM Murph: You're- I think you're probably like 10 or 12 feet tall.

Players: Whoa!

Moonshine: Holy Shit!

Hardwon: [an excited whisper] I love it!

DM Murph: So you swing through this air elemental. It just looks like you're swinging the axe very slowly.

Tonathan: Yeah, your size has doubled in all dimensions is what-

DM Murph: Oh doubled. Oh, so you're 12 feet tall, yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm gonna rip off my pants really quick so you can, uh, make Uku jealous.

DM Murph: So that is Moonshine.

Moonshine: I think I'm gonna cure myself and then use your amulet, unfortunately.

DM Murph: Okay. Cool. Yeah, roll Cure Wounds.

Beverly: Okay. Every time someone uses the amulet it tingles and feels real good.

Hardwon: That's why you're always asking if someone wants to use it.

Beverly: Yeah. "You wanna use my amulet?"

DM Murph: Cool. So, Tonathan is back a little bit, but everybody else is in melee range so I'm gonna- this air elemental goes into like a tornado. I need you three guys to make a strength saving throw. Moonshine, Beverly, and Hardwon.

Tonathan: "Good luck, guys! I believe in you."

Beverly: That's a... 17.

Moonshine: 16.

Hardwon: That time was 17.

DM Murph: 17. Okay. So you guys all pass. So you guys are not blown away. But you guys do take half of this. You guys all take 7 damage, the three of you.

Beverly: 7 damage. Okay. Fine.

DM Murph: But you guys grit your teeth, you take a wide stance and you stand until you find the eye of the tornado.

Hardwon: They find shelter behind my legs.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Everyone hangs on to Hardwon's beefy legs.

Beverly: The logs have become trunks.

Hardwon: Somebody on Reddit called me quad god and I really fucking love it.

Tonathan: That's very good.

Beverly: That's very good.

DM Murph: That is... Beverly.

Beverly: Okay. Shield slam, baby!

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Shield slam, round two! That's a 19 plus 6, that's gotta hit!

DM Murph: That hits! That hits.

Beverly: Alright. Shield slam, baby, let's do it.

Hardwon: Ha!

Beverly: Okay, that's 7 damage.

DM Murph: 7 damage. Great. You bash the air. That is...

Beverly: We all look like doofuses when we're doing this because we're just kind of like swatting at air, right?

DM Murph: You guys look like super doofuses.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: It looks like you're fighting nothing and getting your ass kicked by nothing.

[laughter]

DM Murph: That's you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: It's me! I would like to cast Magic Missile using one of my 2nd level spell slots.

DM Murph: Oh great.

Players: Woo!

Tonathan: It's four darts instead of three and each one does 1d4+1 force damage.

DM Murph: Cool.

Tonathan: So that's 5... Another 5, so 10. Sweet, 15. Uh...

Moonshine: Hardwon looks jealous right now.

Hardwon: I'm just super impressed.

Moonshine: Oh, you're impressed!

Tonathan: 19 damage.

DM Murph: 19 damage. Dope.

Hardwon: Damn, dude!

DM Murph: Yeah, you fuck this wind right up!

[laughter]

DM Murph: These missiles explode in the tornado and it looks badass as hell. It looks so metal.

Moonshine: "That little one packs a punch."

Tonathan: "Wow. Didn't know I had it in me."

DM Murph: Hardwon, you're up.

Hardwon: That is a...

Beverly: Make ‘em scream.

Hardwon: 24.

DM Murph: That hits, believe it or not.

Hardwon: Believe it or not. Great, and that is a... so that's a 14 and I get to roll a d4?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: 3. What did I say it was? What did I have?

Tonathan: You said 14, plus 3, so 17.

Hardwon: Alright, 17.

DM Murph: 17 damage. Yeah. This air- you can- the tornado is just not- it just doesn't have as much zeal as it once had.

Moonshine: Yeah. Yeah.

Tonathan: Light breeze.

DM Murph: It's kind of a depressed tornado at this point. You can tell this air is real messed up.

Beverly: It's more of a-

Moonshine: Yeah, it's more of a choppy gale.

Tonathan: Yeah.

Beverly: Yeah, it's more of a dervish at this point.

Hardwon: Me and Tonnie tag teaming right now.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you're up.

Moonshine: Alright. Y'all I don't have much to add in terms of damage, so I'm just gonna go over to see if there's a key in the box.

Beverly: That's smart!

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Cause what if there is?

DM Murph: You walk over to the box and the box is empty.

Moonshine: Motherfucker! Alright-

Hardwon: What about just shutting the box?

Beverly: [gasp]

Moonshine: Okay, I shut the box.

Beverly: Yeah, I shut the box.

DM Murph: Cool. You shut the box. Candle lights up again. That is the air elemental. The air elemental is going to swing at... who's nearer. I guess Beverly. So, swings at Beverly.

Moonshine: I'm gonna put it out with Chill Touch again.

DM Murph: Misses, first one. Second one misses Beverly.

Beverly: We do like a ballet in the air.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Yeah this- now it's just a light breeze so it just feels like a nice walk in the springtime. That's you, Bev.

Beverly: Great. "I'm gonna punch you now!"

DM Murph: Great. Punch him with your shield.

Beverly: Op, that's a 1, but ya boy's Lucky.

DM Murph: Oh yeah. Eh, arguable.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Beverly: ...That's a 3, luck be a lady today. That's gonna be, I guess a 9 total. Probably-

DM Murph: Yeah, that does not hit.

Beverly: Probably don't do.

DM Murph: You rush towards him with your shield and what you think is the tornado-

Beverly: There was just like a vent and I got tricked. Can I-

DM Murph: Yeah, the air conditioner was going off and you saw some strings kind of lightly blowing. So that is Tonathan.

Tonathan: It's me! I'll try that Magic Missile again, because that seemed to work pretty good.

DM Murph: Okay. Nice. Great.

Hardwon: Very good.

Tonathan: Okay, so that's 3...

Beverly: Berry good.

Tonathan: Thats... 8 now? Right? Yeah. 3 plus 5 is 8.

DM Murph: Okay.

Tonathan: Plus 4 is 12.

Beverly: Tonathan just has an abacus out.

Tonathan: Plus 2 is... 14.

DM Murph: That... kills it.

Beverly: Yay!

DM Murph: Finish the air elemental.

Hardwon: This dude!

Beverly: Tonnie!

Moonshine: Yeah, fuckin' finally.

Hardwon: Official member of the party.

Tonathan: Yay! I do, you know, I do my magical incantations. My eyes are glowing with an arcane energy and putting everything I can into it. I just wanna look cool in front of my new friends. And I say, "Time... you- you blowhard!"

Beverly: [voracious laughter] Can we roll to see if he farts when he does it?

[laughter]

DM Murph: Yeah, Tonathan roll an acrobatics check to see if you can pinch your butt cheeks before you let out a little toot.

Tonathan: Okay.

Hardwon: If he succeeds he lets out a fart-

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: -or if he fails?

DM Murph: No, if he fails.

Hardwon: Cause either way, it's great.

Tonathan: I rolled a 13 plus 2.

Moonshine: Okay, yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, you are able to hold in the fart.

Beverly: Yes!

Tonathan: Like, if you listen very closely you hear like a [very quiet release of air]

Hardwon: It whistled in your armor.

Tonathan: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah, and you kill this air elemental.

Tonathan: Woo!

DM Murph: So the chest is now closed. Candle is lit.

Beverly: Alright.

Tonathan: "Okay, guys-"

Moonshine: "Okay, y'all everyone stay away."

Tonathan: "Huddle. Huddle."

Moonshine: "Bev, stay away. Don't light the candle."

Tonathan: [laughter] "Don't do anything."

Moonshine: I'm going to use Chill Touch-

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: -to put the- with my fingers-

DM Murph: You pinch it out?

Moonshine: Pinch it out. And then I say "Is everyone okay if I open up the chest and look in?"

Beverly: "Yeah, open it up."

Hardwon: "It's gonna be a fucking ice elemental isn't it? Are there those? Are there such things?"

Beverly: "Absolutely."

Tonathan: "Well, technically Chill Touch is a necrotic spell so..."

Moonshine: "Yeah, technically it's necrotic."

Beverly: "Okay. So we're gonna have to deal with a zombie. Cool cool cool cool cool. Open it up though."

Moonshine: I- We already did this, we opened it up and it was empty.

Hardwon: Oh yeah, the last time.

DM Murph: No. No you didn't- you never looked in it.

Tonathan: We opened it up but we never looked in it. We open- I opened it up from a distance using Mage Hand-

Beverly: [laughter] And we never looked inside.

DM Murph: And then you lit the candle once you got close.

Tonathan: And then we lit the candle-

Moonshine: Alright, then fuck it. I'm just gonna use my own fingers to get rid of it.

DM Murph: Okay. So you use your fingers.

Moonshine: So I use my own fingers.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Is everyone okay-

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: I will ask for everyone's permission-

Hardwon: Fingers feels fine. Fingers feels good.

Tonathan: Yeah there's no finger elemental.

Beverly: "We support you Moonshine!"

Moonshine: I open it up.

Tonathan: I'm just like leafing through books.

Hardwon: Flesh of our flesh. That's what it's all about.

DM Murph: And there's a key in there.

Beverly: Hooray!

Tonathan: Yay!

[clapping]

DM Murph: Moonshine had it right-

Moonshine: I take the key.

DM Murph: -right off the bat.

Beverly: Oh, boy.

DM Murph: Uku laughs and goes "Oh man, that did not go the way I thought it was. You guys had it figured out right away, I was like, 'These guys are gonna blow through these trials' then you lit it and the fire elemental came. Wow."

Beverly: "Yeah. Fun stuff. Fun stuff. Thanks for the fun game Uku."

Hardwon: "We are the Band of Boobs, but we do fuck shit up."

[laughter]

DM Murph: So yeah, you guys pull out this big key.

Hardwon: "Should we take our rest in here before we go to wherever the next-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, we should, yeah."

Tonathan: "Just no one light any candles."

Moonshine: "Uku, is it cool if we take a rest?"

DM Murph: "Yeah, sure. A sleepover?" You see he just passes out, nude on the ground.

Hardwon: "No sleeping bag. Alright."

Beverly: I cover him with my sleeping bag.

Moonshine: He's still nude, right?

DM Murph: [laughter] He's still nude.

Hardwon: Am I still 10 feet tall? 12 feet tall.

DM Murph: For a little bit, yeah.

Beverly: I wanna sleep on Hardwon.

Tonathan: Yeah, it lasts-

DM Murph: You can fall asleep thinking you're a forever giant.

Hardwon: "I'm the man."

Beverly: I fall asleep on his pecks.

Tonathan: Yeah, it lasts a minute, so...

Moonshine: Oh yeah, that's probably true that-

DM Murph: [laughter] So, you gotta fall asleep quick, dude.

[laughter]

Moonshine: That is probably true that Hardwon has never encountered this spell and just thinks this is who he is now.

Hardwon: Right. "This is permanent." Same thing I thought about the feather beard.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Alright.

Beverly: Alright. Cool.

Moonshine: I trance.

DM Murph: Cool.

Tonathan: So we get our spell slots back.

Beverly: So we get forty winks.

DM Murph: So you guys all take a little nap on the floor here.

Moonshine: Um, I trance.

DM Murph: Except for Moonshine, who trances.

Moonshine: I trance with perfect posture. It's the only time you've seen me with perfect posture.

[laughter]

Beverly: It's true. You're a slouchy broad.

DM Murph: Cool. So yeah, you guys wake up in this room to what you-

Hardwon: "Ugh, I'm small again."

Moonshine: I kick everyone awake at 6 and a half hours.

Tonathan: My new Portent predictions... 3.

Beverly: Oh.

Tonathan: I can use that for an enemy. And..

Moonshine: Ooh, yeah.

Tonathan: 15.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: Pretty good.

Hardwon: We use that for a friend.

Tonathan: Yes.

Beverly: I give Moonshine my matches and say "Why don't you hold on to these."

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Yeah, well, you know, I might."

Beverly: "Maybe you could light some of those brown leaves. Do a little incense."

DM Murph: Cool. So yeah, you guys have- you wake up the next morning. You guys have all of your stuff. You are at this door and you have this key.

Beverly: "We're ready for challenge 2!"

Tonathan: "Let's do it."

Beverly: "Alright."

Moonshine: "Okaay."

Beverly: "Moonshine, will you open the door for us?"

Moonshine: "Yeah. Yeah yeah." I open the door.

DM Murph: Cool. You open the door. You enter a room with white walls and red carpet. The door closes behind you guys as you enter. Everybody entered?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Tonathan: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm there.

DM Murph: Everybody's in.

Tonathan: We have entered.

DM Murph: Door slams behind you. You enter a room with white walls and a red carpet. There are two giant orbs on the ceiling that work almost like light bulbs. The one in the back half of the room is lit up and the one nearest to you guys in the front half of the room is off. There's a lever on the wall near you. There's also a lever on the other end of the room, closer to the lit up one. There's also a door on the other side of the room. Okay? The lit up orb across the room is hitting you guys and it looks like a spotlight that's causing shadows to emerge on the walls behind you. Somebody go ahead and roll me an insight check.

Tonathan: Oh. I could Guidance us all?

Moonshine: I got a 7.

DM Murph: Kay.

Tonathan: I'll cast Guidance on myself and roll insight.

Hardwon: I got a 9.

Tonathan: I rolled a nat 20.

[celebrations]

DM Murph: Holy shit.

Hardwon: Oh, yeah, baby!

DM Murph: You see that some fuckery is going on and that the shadows are moving slightly differently than you guys are and that they're about to do some shit.

Tonathan: "Guys-"

DM Murph: So I will let you act first.

Tonathan: "Uh, guys. We should-" Is there room to like step out of the spotlight, like, so that it's not-

DM Murph: You would need to run on de-

Hardwon: Try a lever, we could kill the light.

Moonshine: Yeah, kill the light.

Hardwon: We just don't know which one.

Moonshine: Kill the light!

DM Murph: [countdown to expedite] Three, two, one!

Hardwon: Okay, I'm killing the light.

DM Murph: What are you doing Tonathan?

Tonathan: I'm casting Fog Cloud over the light so-

Beverly: Oh.

DM Murph: Ohhhhhh.

Moonshine: [game recognising game] Diffuses it. Which would get rid of shadows.

DM Murph: Tricky. Tricky tricky tricky.

Beverly: Mmhmm.

DM Murph: Yeah, okay. So you cast Fog Cloud. It diffuses it and the shadows go away.

[laughter]

Moonshine: And then, let's just walk forward, right?

Players: Yeah.

Hardwon: We gotta find out which lever controls which light, right? Cause we'll only-

Moonshine: Wait, the door might just open.

Beverly: Yeah. Let’s just speed run this room.

Tonathan: It might just be that we had to fight shadows and the Fog Cloud will last for...

Moonshine: Fog Cloud would last for a decent amount of time.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys have Fog up. You see the shadows start to disappear, what do you do?

Hardwon: I guess let's go to- let's go, sure.

Beverly: Walk over to the door, yeah.

Moonshine: Walk over to the door and try to open it.

DM Murph: Rush to the door? You guys rush to the door to open the door.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Yeah baby!

[clapping]

DM Murph: You guys- THANK GOD you fucked up the first trial.

[laughter]

Hardwon: This really would have made for a bad podcast if we nailed the first one and the second.

DM Murph: Oh man! Oh my god. I also- so the way the levers worked was like if you- the one nearest to you that you would think would turn the lights on and make shadows go away turned everything off and then the shadows would get to attack you guys with advantage.

Beverly: In the dark.

DM Murph: But instead you just fogged it and kinda just beat my puzzle so congratulations!

Hardwon: Yeahhh. We fogged up!

Moonshine: Yeaahhh!

DM Murph: Congratulations Nathan.

Beverly: It's so good having a smart person on the show.

Hardwon: It really is, because me and Nathan at the-

Tonathan: I have an intelligence of 18.

Hardwon: We said at the same time cast Fog and flip the switch.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Yeahh.

DM Murph: That would have-

Beverly: Cool. Gone well.

DM Murph: So you guys open the door and you find yourself behind the temple in a little garden. There are little patches of white and purple flowers. You're surrounded by trees, you can hear the waterfall and... in this garden you see four tree stumps, each with a different dragon head on the front of the stump. There's a white, a black, a red and a blue dragon on the stumps-

Beverly: Like kinda emblazoned on top of the stumps?

DM Murph: Almost like a totem pole, just with like a face sticking out.

Beverly: Ahhh. White, blue, black, red?

DM Murph: Yep.

Moonshine: Can I do like an insight check into dragons, what I know about each of those colors?

Beverly: Chromatic-

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Moonshine: [rolls dice]

Beverly: Hmmm.

Moonshine: Okay, that's gonna be 11.

DM Murph: 11? You know that generally the chromatic dragons are bad. So you would think that, you know, they're all bad dragons.

Tonathan: "They all- they're all associated with different elements I think."

Beverly: "Hmm."

Moonshine: "Maybe we gotta- although-"

Beverly: "Oh."

Tonathan: "Yeah, fire is red. I believe white is ice."

Beverly: "What would black be?"

Tonathan: "Black is, I believe, poison."

Moonshine: "Blue would be water."

Tonathan: "Like acid."

Beverly: "Moonshine!"

Moonshine: "Oh! Okay, but do we think- because I literally have an acid arrow that I could shoot at that stump, but do we think that would just strengthen them?"

Tonathan: "Yeah I don't- I don't know. I don't know what the puzzle is here."

Beverly: "Hmm."

Hardwon: [quietly to himself] White, black, red, blue.

Beverly: White, black, red, blue.

Hardwon: "Those don't all represent us in some way do they?"

Tonathan: [intrigued] "Hmm."

Beverly: "Hmm."

Moonshine: "Um..."

Beverly: "Who'd be-"

Hardwon: "I'd be black, cause I'm from Irondeep mountain."

Beverly: "Right."

Hardwon: "But there's no green, and you're green. So that's not-

Beverly: "Yeah. That- I'm very green. Moonshine, you're from the crick. Y'all like stumps a whole bunch."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I would love to live in them."

Beverly: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Yeah, Cooter. Your nephew-cousin Cooter? He lived in a stump, right?"

Moonshine: "He's just my cousin."

Hardwon: "Sorry."

Moonshine: "Cooter is my cousin. Thank you though."

Beverly: "Okay, that was-"

Hardwon: "I didn't mean to insinuate-"

Moonshine: "Billy Ray is my nephew-cousin."

Hardwon: "Gotcha."

Tonathan: "Gotcha."

Moonshine: "He's also a bullywug that I made out with."

DM Murph: That's a dif- yeah, a different Billy Ray.

Moonshine: "That's Bully Ray vs. Billy Ray."

Hardwon: "I gotcha."

Moonshine: "Anyways. I could go try to make a home in one of these stumps. That seems like maybe not the answer though."

Beverly: "I just think if we step on them I wonder what might happen? I wonder if they might react to our weight in some way?"

Moonshine: Alright. I hop on the black.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: You guys see, as soon as Moonshine hops on the black stump, she shoots one hundred feet into the air. The logs- the stump shoots up with her and you are up a hundred feet in the air on a stump.

Hardwon: Oh shit.

Moonshine: I Wild Shape into... Oh, I can't do any flying, I don't think.

DM Murph: You see a black dragon wyrmling [sound of wings flapping against the air] flying towards you.

Moonshine: Oh. I Speak With Animals. I cast Animal Friendship on him.

DM Murph: He is a dragon, not an animal.

Moonshine: Oh okay.

Beverly: Oh. So that's different.

DM Murph: So he starts flying- you guys are still just staying on the ground? What are you guys doing?

Tonathan: Uh... uh... I wish-

Beverly: We should all-

DM Murph: Three, two, one...

Hardwon: I hop on a stump.

Beverly: Yes, I hop on a stump.

DM Murph: Cool. You shoot up. Beverly you shoot up. Tonathan you staying down or?

Tonathan: Yeah, no no, I'll do what everybody else is doing.

Beverly: "It's cool."

DM Murph: Tonathan goes up and shoots up. Cool. So you guys see four dragon wyrmlings fly towards you guys. A white, a black, a red, and a blue one. You guys are a hundred feet in the air and you guys are about- there's about fifteen feet between each of your stumps. Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: Oh boy.

Moonshine: Oh, but I'm standing on the stump. I'm not at risk of falling.

Beverly: Yeah. Yeah, we're-

DM Murph: No no no no.

Moonshine: Oh!

DM Murph: You're okay. You guys are up in the air.

Tonathan: Oh yeah.

Hardwon: That's an 18.

Moonshine: I got 19.

DM Murph: You guys are all a hundred feet in the air.

Beverly: 13.

Tonathan: 9.

DM Murph: Okay, so Moonshine, you act first. So these four dragon wyrmlings are flying towards you guys. You guys are all pretty spread out. You're about fifteen feet between each one of you.

Moonshine: Okay, I'm going to cast Melf's Acid Arrow-

DM Murph: Okay,

Moonshine: -on... let me cast it on the white dragon.

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: Making a ranged spell attack... [sigh] is 15 going to hit?

DM Murph: No, it's not gonna hit.

Moonshine: Then I-

DM Murph: So you shoot, it bounces off its scales.

Moonshine: Still takes half damage. Still takes half damage.

DM Murph: Okay.

Tonathan: [whispers] Nice.

Moonshine: 8... so it takes 4 damage.

DM Murph: 4 damage. Okay. Cool.

Hardwon: Coulda been nice.

DM Murph: So Hardwon you're up.

Hardwon: I'm gonna throw my nice new throwing axe at the white dragon.

DM Murph: Do it up.

Hardwon: ... that is a... nat 2.

DM Murph: Ha! You throw it and it just [woosh] flies off into the woods.

Hardwon: Oh! But...I'll use my Second Wind. Oh no, Action Surge.

DM Murph: Go for it.

Hardwon: Good. That one hits. That's a 25.

DM Murph: 25 to hit, that hits.

Beverly: Can we roll to see if that axe hit somebody on the ground?

Tonathan: [laughter] Um, [tiny nasal voice from the ground] "Ow."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Yeah. This completely silent community, you hear one "Ow."

Beverly: "Sorry."

Hardwon: So that is a... that's a 9. 9.

DM Murph: 9 damage. Cool. That is the white dragon, who, after getting with an axe- he's still got the axe in him- flies towards you Hardwon and he is going to unleash Cold Breath. So you need to make a constitution saving throw.

Hardwon: Sweet. Can I, with a bonus action, grab my axe?

DM Murph: [laughter] Oh, from him as he comes by?

Hardwon: Yeah. I just rolled a 16 so can I do that?

DM Murph: Okay. Yeah, sure. So you take half of this damage as he- hits, oh Jesus. [multiple sets of dice rolls]

Beverly: That's a chunky roll.

Hardwon: Yeah, Murph's doing a lot of math back there. Doesn't look good for me.

DM Murph: Okay. You take 15 damage.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: That's half.

Beverly: Nothing scarier than your DM.

Hardwon: Jesus Christ.

DM Murph: That is the red dragon who is going to go after Beverly-

Beverly: Bring it!

DM Murph: ...and he's gonna let out his fire breath. Roll me a dexterity saving throw.

Beverly: Dexterity. That's gonna be 17.

DM Murph: 17?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You pass.

Beverly: Woo! Alright.

Moonshine: Woo!

DM Murph: So you only take half of this.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: Which will still be a lot.

Beverly: Fine.

Moonshine: Do these platforms look like they could hold more than one person? These stumps?

DM Murph: You take 11 damage Beverly.

Beverly: 11? Okay.

DM Murph: They could hold, like, you guys could maybe shuffle and hold like Beverly and you or Tonathan and you Moonshine, but you and Hardwon would not fit on the same one. Blue is gonna go. He flies over and lets out some lightning breath at you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: [squeals in fear]

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw.

Tonathan: Okay... 13.

DM Murph: That... just passes.

Tonathan: Yay!

DM Murph: So you just take half of this. 10 damage.

Tonathan: Oh boy.

Beverly: These are strong dragon babies.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Tonathan: These are very strong.

DM Murph: And that is you Bev.

Beverly: Alright. Moonshine gave me kind of an idea. I wanna see- so what I wanna try and do is, I wanna use Nature's Wrath to cast Vines and create a bridge across all four of the platforms.

DM Murph: How- that would be so many square feet, that would be fifteen by fifteen?

Beverly: Then I'll do this instead. I'll cast Spectral Vines to widen the platform on top of my stump.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: So it's like a bigger standing area now, because of the vines.

DM Murph: Okay, roll like an arcana check to see if you can-

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: He is good at making knots.

Beverly: That's a nat 20!

[eruption of celebration]

DM Murph: Oh, dope. Okay, yeah.

Tonathan: Very cool.

Hardwon: Yes! [unintelligible]

Beverly: Bev's back!

DM Murph: You're able to make vines kind of like grow up around the log and make the top just a little bit thicker with- you make like a little nest.

Beverly: "Moonshine, Tonathan, come over here!"

Tonathan: "Okay."

Moonshine: "You got it."

Beverly: I ask them to come join me on the platform.

DM Murph: Cool. That is going to be... you...

Hardwon: Moonshine?

DM Murph: Tonathan.

Tonathan: Me! Yeah, I guess I'm gonna run over to Beverly's platform.

DM Murph: Okay. So you need to make a jump check to jump fifteen feet. I'll say it went out another three feet or so so twelve feet. Twelve foot jump.

Tonathan: Okay, can I use my... Barnaby to like take the help action to help me?

Beverly: Oh!

DM Murph: Yes. Yes yes yes. Barnaby can give you like- he can try to Tails-Sonic you.

Beverly: Are you gonna Banjo-Kazooie?

Hardwon: Jump onto Barnaby and from Barnaby onto the-

[laughter]

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: That's very good.

Tonathan: Okay, so that's- I get to roll with advantage. That was a 4 and that's a... 13?

DM Murph: Um-

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: Tonathan jumps and falls a hundred feet.

Tonathan: Wait. Wait wait wait. Wait wait wait.

Beverly: I send the vines after him.

DM Murph: No you don't.

Tonathan: Portent! Portent! Portent!

DM Murph: Okay, okay!

Moonshine: Ohhhhh yeeeees!

DM Murph: Ohhh my god.

Tonathan: 17.

Hardwon: Thank. God.

DM Murph: 17, you make it.

Hardwon: Good. Lord.

Beverly: Jesus.

Hardwon: Good lord. "Moonshine you just be very fucking careful."

DM Murph: Okay, Tonathan gets over to the same one as Beverly.

Hardwon: What happened to the stump?

Tonathan: Yeah, what happens to my stump?

DM Murph: Still there.

Beverly: Oh.

Tonathan: Oh.

Beverly: Well, I guess the dragon maybe won't attack you anymore? We'll find out!

Tonathan: I dunno.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Definitely worth the risk!

Tonathan: I guess.

Moonshine: I might not- I might not come join you.

Hardwon: That sounds fine.

Beverly: "You sure you don't wanna come over here, Moonshine? It's cool. Tonathan and I are over here. We’re-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, I don't- I haven't seen any evidence that it achieved-"

DM Murph: That it's a good thing.

Moonshine: "That it achieved-"

Hardwon: "Tonathan almost died."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Cool. So Tonathan, that's your turn. That is the black dragon who is going to swoop in on Hardwon.

Beverly: Oh, okay.

DM Murph: Roll a dexterity-

Moonshine: Why's it going after- I'm on the black stump.

DM Murph: Oh, you're on the black stump? Oh you're right, it goes after Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: Ah. That would have been very disheartening.

DM Murph: Moonshine roll a dexterity saving throw.

Moonshine: He just automatically hits, he doesn't have to do a-

DM Murph: Correct.

Moonshine: God damn.

DM Murph: They don't get infinite breath though. They need to reroll to get them back.

Beverly: I wanna know more about Melf.

Moonshine: 10.

DM Murph: 10, that fails. So you take...

Moonshine: I'm down. I'm a hundred percent down after this.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: [adding up dice roll under his breath]

Tonathan: Then you-

Beverly: Yeah, you gotta-

DM Murph: Take 23 damage.

Moonshine: Okay. I'm standing.

Beverly: You're up.

Hardwon: Wow.

DM Murph: Okay. [laughter] Moonshine is looking rough. Here's the thing guys, the way dragons work, I've gotta reroll to see if they get back their breath. So that's gonna be the hardest turn unless I roll spectacularly well. That should be the hardest turn. That is you Moonshine.

Moonshine: I'm gonna try to Melf's Acid Arrow the white dragon again.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Nat 20, baby!

[celebration]

Beverly: [chanting] Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf! Melf!

[Hardwon, then Tonathan then Murph join in with chanting]

Beverly: [mimics a very nasal muppet-like voice for Melf] "Hi I'm Melf and I got a real stinky arrow."

DM Murph: I don't know if magic crits but if anyone has a problem with it, fuck off cause it's fun!

Tonathan: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: So I only got 6, cause I got 4d4 acid damage and then what do I do with a crit?

DM Murph: You keep rolling whatev- however many dice you rolled, roll them again.

Tonathan: Critical magic!

DM Murph: [Mimicking a fighting game announcer] Critical. Magic hit.

Beverly: Crickical magic.

Tonathan: Nice.

Hardwon: Yeah that's what's up. Crickical magic does crit.

Beverly: Crickical. [singing] Let's get Crickical.

Moonshine: So that's gonna be 19.

DM Murph: 19 damage.

Moonshine: But then also his next turn he immediately takes 2d4? Or would that be… ?

DM Murph: Guess what, Em. Finish him.

Beverly: Yeahh.

Hardwon: Woah! You got to kill the white dragon!

Moonshine: So this is Melf's Acid Arrow, so I hock a loogie into my hand and then I shape the loogie to be like an arrow-

Beverly: That's good.

Moonshine: -and then- or more like a slingshot- a pointy slingshot, and then I slingshot my now solid arrow straight into the bosom of this baby dragon.

DM Murph: The arrow hits him just so and like in The Hobbit films, not the book-

Beverly: Fuck the book.

DM Murph: -you slay this little dragon.

Moonshine: And then am I within range to Halo of Spores another dragon?

DM Murph: No. No, no.

Moonshine: Okay. I didn't think so.

DM Murph: Okay, so the white dragon goes down Hardwon you are on the stump with the white dragon.

Moonshine: Oh no!

DM Murph: Your log- your stump- starts shooting down.

Beverly: "Hardwon jump over!"

Hardwon: Shit. I'm gonna jump over.

DM Murph: Alright, you'll do that on your turn but you notice that you start to lower.

Moonshine: Oh, can I use my-

DM Murph: That actually is you Hardwon.

Moonshine: Oh wait, I used my bonus action to- I didn't use my bonus action to Halo of Spores.

DM Murph: Okay. What would you like to do?

Moonshine: I wanna look at the little medallion.

DM Murph: Oh.

Beverly: Oh yeah. Wanna peep my medallion?

DM Murph: Get some health back.

Moonshine:Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. Go for it.

Moonshine: I say, "Bev, show me the medallion."

Hardwon: Hardwon, it is your turn. You can choose to just go down with the stump or you can do a DC15 athletics or acrobatics check, whatever you want, to get to another stump. If you go to Beverly's stump he has made a nest. With that Nat 20 I gotta allow that bullshit so he's got a little nest there. You guys will all be okay. You can't fit on Moonshine's so you actually have to jump to Beverly's.

Beverly: "Hardwon, come to my nest!"

Hardwon: But if I jump and fail I fall one hundred feet and die?

DM Murph: Uh, you don't necessarily die. You'll take up to 60 damage.

Tonathan: A butt-ton of damage.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph:10d6 of damage.

Hardwon: ...I'm gonna jump.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Yes! That is a 21.

DM Murph: Nice!

Beverly: Woo!

[clapping and celebration]

DM Murph: Hardwon- as his stump starts to shoot down-

Hardwon: I Hercules-

DM Murph: Hardwon launches himself over to the vine nest. You guys have a cost little three person-

Beverly: Cheep cheep, just three birds in a nest. Just three kooky birds!

Hardwon: Oh, man that feels fun.

Beverly: Callooh Callay!

DM Murph: That is the white dragon’s turn-

Hardwon: Callooh Callay, indeed.

DM Murph: - who is dead.

Moonshine: Haha! Did his body fall from the sky-

DM Murph: Oh yeah.

Moonshine: - and land on anyone? Did it hit anyone?

Beverly: [tiny nasal voice from the ground] "Ow."

DM Murph: No, it actually- so he fell from the sky and you see him disappear with like an arcane sparkle. Then the face on the side of Hardwon's stump lights back up and turns white and shoots down.

Hardwon: Cool and as I jump can I use both of my throwing axes to sort of like, bury them into the sides of the other stump and crawl my way back up.

DM Murph: Climb up? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. of course. Mountain climb up? You got it.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: So you get up. You lumberjack yourself back up onto the stump.

Tonathan: “That's so cool!”

DM Murph: That is going to be the red dragon, who, let's see if he can get his fire back. He does guys, I'm so sorry,

Tonathan: No he doesn't.

Beverly: No worries.

DM Murph: And he is going to shoot all three of you guys on the one stump.

Tonathan: Portent. Portent. Portent. Portent!

Beverly: Oh, Portent.

Tonathan: It's a 3.

DM Murph: It's a 3!

Moonshine: [Scream of excitement]

[clapping]

Hardwon: So good.

DM Murph: He doesn't get it back! Wow.

Hardwon: You are the fucking man, Tonnie!

Beverly: Tonathan.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Yeahhh.

Beverly: Big Tonnie.

DM Murph: Dope. Okay. He's just gonna-

Tonathan: Those are both my Portent's though.

Hardwon: Tonnie be good.

Moonshine: Tonnie be good!

DM Murph: He's just gonna go in and he's gonna try to bite, I guess, Beverly.

Beverly: "Bring it!"

DM Murph: And he hits.

Hardwon: Oof. Don't bring it.

DM Murph: For... 9 damage he bites ya.

Beverly: Oh. Take it back.

DM Murph: Oh, plus- 9 damage plus another 2. 11 damage.

Beverly: 11 damage. Okay.

DM Murph: Cool. Then that is going to be the blue guy, who, let's see if he can get his breath back. He does not get his breath back, but he charges in and he's gonna bite at Hardwon as Hardwon climbs up onto the stump. And he misses. So he swoops in and swings-

Moonshine: Oh, so they can attack anyone. They don't just attack who's on-

DM Murph: Yeah.

DM Murph: Apparently they can attack anyone.

Hardwon: We have to be careful which dragon we attack because that stump goes down so we should attack whatever dragon that the empty stump is.

Moonshine: Yeah, we shouldn't- yeah.

Tonathan: So Beverly's on red?

DM Murph: You guys are on red dragon, blue dragon's stump is empty. You guys have- the blue dragon and the red dragon are up in your shit because they just bit you so you guys can make regular melee attacks, kinda do whatever. Bev, you're up.

Beverly: Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna regular melee at this point.

DM Murph: Cool. Blue guy?

Beverly: Yes. Ooh, that's a 19 plus 6.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Oooh.

DM Murph: That super hits.

Beverly: Alright. Oooh. That's 7 plus 6, that's 13 damage.

DM Murph: 13 damage.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah, cool. You-

Moonshine: Oh, cause they're powerful but they're not- they don't have that much HP.

DM Murph: Cause they do a lot of damage but they're not- they're just little- you guys are killing babies.

Moonshine: Yeah. They're little saplings.

Beverly: They're magic babies.

DM Murph: They are magic babies. Tonathan you're up.

Tonathan: “It worked pretty good the last time Hardwon get huge agai-” Wait, will that-

Moonshine: Oh no.

DM Murph: That'll fuck you up.

Tonathan: That'll fuck-

DM Murph: That'll fuck you right up.

Tonathan: There's not enough room. “Nevermind.”

Beverly: Make him small.

Hardwon: “Make me small so I can ride the dragon.”

Beverly: Make him small so he can ride the dragon.

DM Murph: No, small would make him Beverly size.

Hardwon: Uh, please don't.

Beverly: “Oh cool!”

Tonathan: Alright. Which dragon did you just hit?

Hardwon: I’m good, I’m good.

Beverly: The blue dragon.

Tonathan: Alright, I'm gonna Magic Missile the blue dragon.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Yeah, buddy.

Tonathan: And I'll use a- yeah, I'll use a 2nd level spell slot-

Beverly: Now it's some damn D&D.

Tonathan: So that I can get an extra d4... That's 2... That's-

Beverly: Nathan's adding that good crispy D&D crunch. It's just the nutrigrain bar of delight,

Tonathan: That's 7... that's 12....

Hardwon: Is it crunch or is it Tinkle?

[laughter]

Tonathan: That's 14 damage.

DM Murph: 14 damage. Cool. This blue dragon is looking upset and hurt.

Hardwon: Okay. Like it just had a bad break up. Yeah.

DM Murph: It's just a cute baby dragon on death's door.

Tonathan: [baby cries]

Beverly: Is Uku gonna be like 'You killed babies, you don't get to talk to the priest'?

Tonathan: Yeah.

DM Murph: That is the black dragon's turn. He's gonna see if he gets his breath back. He does and he's gonna go for Moonshine. Moonshine give me a dexterity saving throw.

Moonshine: Bye, guys.

[laughter]

Beverly: Oooh.

Moonshine: Okay, I got 21.

DM Murph: Dope. Okay, so you only take half.

Moonshine: Okay, I might still be up.

Hardwon: We'll see.

DM Murph: [rolls dice]

Hardwon: I take a gander at Bev's amulet.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You take... 11 damage.

Beverly: I do a little dance.

Moonshine: Yeah! Still standing baby.

DM Murph: Wow, good for you.

Moonshine: Cause I used his amulet last turn, so it got me up to 22.

Hardwon: Oh you did?

Beverly: She already used it, yeah.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: When you look at my amulet I do a little dance though.

Hardwon: You tinkle so much.

[laughter]

DM Murph: That is you, Moonshine.

Moonshine: I’m gonna use Melf's Acid arrow on- Ugh, should I use it on that blue guy? How on death's door does this little guy look?

DM Murph: Pretty hurt. Pretty damn close to death's door.

Moonshine: Ugh. Fucking useless. I guess I'll Melf's Acid Arrow.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: It's a waste though.

Beverly: Do you wanna do it-

Moonshine: I got another nat 20!

Hardwon: Oh, there we go.

Moonshine: This is fucking stupid.

Beverly: [unenthusiastically] Melf, Melf, Melf.

Moonshine: He's just dead.

Hardwon: [enthusiastically] Melf! Melf! Melf!

DM Murph: Okay. The blue drag- you shoot him out of the sky. The blue dragon goes down-

Beverly: What about the red- Oh no, not the red dragon.

DM Murph: Blue stump shoots down to the ground.

Hardwon: Moonshine has killed both of the dragons.

DM Murph: You guys got black dragon. You guys got red dragon.

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, slayer of dragons.

Hardwon: That’s what’s up.

DM Murph: Slayer of baby dragons.

Moonshine: Although I did also help birth a baby dragon so I am both birther and killer of baby dragons.

Beverly: Yeah, you're the mother at the doorway.

Hardwon: Oh my god, the kiss of life and death.

Moonshine: Yes! Oh my god, it's so true to who I am.

DM Murph: That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Alright, swinging at the red one.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: And, I'm actually not, cause that is a... 13.

DM Murph: 13 to hit. That does not hit. You swing and you whiff big time and you look like a loser who's just sitting in a nest with a gnome and a halfling.

[laughter]

Beverly: I wish it was big.

Hardwon: Yeah, but the jump was real cool, right?

DM Murph: Okay, so red guy is gonna see if he gets his... thing back and he does.

Tonathan: Aw.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: I'm gonna need all three of you guys to make dexterity saving throws.

Tonathan: Okie doke.

Hardwon: That was a nat 20.

DM Murph: Nice.

Tonathan: Nice.

Beverly: Ooh, there you go.

Moonshine: Ooh.

Beverly: That's gonna be a nat... 9 for me.

DM Murph: Okay, what did you get, Tonathan?

Tonathan: 5.

DM Murph: Okay, you guys- the little guys take the full damage.

Hardwon: "Stand behind my quads!" but they don't get there in time.

Beverly: "No!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: You guys- Hardwon takes 15 damage, you guys take 30 damage.

Beverly: Oh god.

Tonathan: Okay, I'm down.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: Okay. Tonathan goes down.

Beverly: I'm up, I have 2HP. Okay.

DM Murph: Okay Bev, that's you.

Beverly: Hoo boy. I should probably-

Tonathan: Fun fact, if I had had full HP I still would have gone down.

[laughter]

Beverly: I guess I'll Lay Hands myself then.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: So, it's five times my Paladin level so... I get 20 back so I guess I'm back up to 22.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: And as a bonus action, I guess I'll go ahead and- yeah, we're kinda at the end of this journey perhaps, I'm gonna cast Shield of Faith.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Who's the lowest? Shall I cast it on Moonshine?

Moonshine: I'm at 11.

Beverly: Yeah, I’ll cast it on Moonshine, for sure.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I blow a kiss and a Spectral version of my face flies-

DM Murph: Appears as a force field.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: It's glorious.

Beverly: Flies over and then just like a big bubble boy-

Moonshine: I try and bat it away.

Beverly: No. It is transparent, you cannot bat it away. A big bubble boy surrounds her and she is protected for +2AC.

DM Murph: Yeah, you just have a big Beverly shield.

Beverly: A big Beverly bubble shield.

DM Murph: Okay, that is you, Tonathan. Go ahead and give me a death saving throw.

Tonathan: Um, okay, so tell me if this is too much shenanigans but, as sort of- maybe I needed to have said this already but in my mind, as sort of a failsafe, because I can have Barnaby carry one spell on him at a time, can I say that he had the Spare The Dying cantrip up on him ahead of time?

DM Murph: Hmm. I would say you'd need to- you can say that for the future, but for now give me a death saving throw.

Tonathan: Okay. Alright. Barnaby just watches over me- I failed.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: What did you get?

Tonathan: I got a 5.

Beverly: Oh!

DM Murph: Okay-

Hardwon: If it was nat-

DM Murph: One failure for Ton.

Tonathan: It was a nat 5.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: One failure for Tonathan.

Tonathan: Hey guys.

Beverly: Does Barnaby try to give him mouth to mouth though?

Tonathan: Yeah, Barnaby's just like-

DM Murph: Yeah, Barnaby's just swatting at ya.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Barnaby's just flapping his wings and trying to help.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Okay, black dragon does not get his breath back, so he's just gonna try to bite Moonshine.

Beverly: Oh.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: And he misses. Blocked by the big Bev shield.

Moonshine: Yes! Thank you.

Beverly: "Be gone!"

Moonshine: Thank you bubble boy.

Tonathan: Uh-uh-uh.

DM Murph: Yeah, Beverly, It's like a bad animatronic doormat that keeps saying things as you hit it. It just goes "Not today! Can't come in the bubble."

Beverly: "Justice prevails!"

DM Murph: "Justice-" Yeah, it's only 'justice prevails'."Justice prevails. Ju-justice- justice- justice prevails. Just- justice-" As it tries to swing in on-

Beverly: It's like spamming an emote.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: [recovering from laughter] Oh boy.

DM Murph: Poorly designed. Moonshine, that's you.

Moonshine: I'm gonna Shillelagh and attack this dragon.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: With no poison, I know that he- is fine with poison.

DM Murph: Let me just double check to see if he has immunity.

Moonshine: I thought you said he was chill with poison.

DM Murph: I thought so but let me check.

Beverly: I think- Moonshine I feel like you could just toss us a rope?

DM Murph: Poison. He can be poisoned.

Moonshine: Oh, so I could have been Spores'ing him?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Damn.

DM Murph: I'll give you a couple of extra Spores.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: I'll take 6 damage off of him for two rounds of Spores.

Tonathan: You've saved them up.

Moonshine: Well, yeah. I'm like- I thought I couldn't poison him.

DM Murph: I'll give you- yeah, two rounds of Spores on him.

Moonshine: Okay, so I'll just Shillelagh my thing and attack him. Is a... 16 going to hit?

DM Murph: Just hits. Yes, go ahead.

Moonshine: Yes! Okay, and that's gonna be- Okay so I only hit him for 4 but then I Spores him for 3 more!

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Moonshine's spore sack is just bulging right now.

DM Murph: Besides these rounds of Spores that we added and this he hasn't been attacked yet so he still looks okay, but you know these guys don't have a ton of HP. So that's you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Gotcha.

DM Murph: You've got the red dragon flying up in your face, has not been attacked yet.

Hardwon: Oh, but I'm gonna grab one of my potions and give it to Tonathan.

DM Murph: Give it to Tonathan? Great, Tonathan 2d4+4.

Tonathan: [quietly to himself while rolling] 2d4+4

Hardwon: Am I allowed to take any bonus action at the dragon? Throwing axe?

DM Murph: No.

Tonathan: Sweet. I rolled two 4s.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Alright!

DM Murph: So you get-

Tonathan: So I get 12.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Tonathan: [gasping in air as if coming back to life]

DM Murph: It might be 2d4+2? I'll say 2d4+4 because I don't wanna look right now.

Tonathan: "Hot hot hot."

DM Murph: Okay, so Tonathan pops back up that is...

Beverly: Cool. So fire.

Hardwon: Can I also use my Second Wind here?

DM Murph:... Yes.

Hardwon: That's just to heal myself.

DM Murph: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So go ahead and heal yourself.

Moonshine: Yeah, do it.

DM Murph: Cool. Go ahead and use your Second Wind. This guy's gonna see if he gets his breath back. He doesn't. Thank God. So this red dragon is going to try to bite you Hardwon.

Moonshine: Oh, shit.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: ... And he misses.

Hardwon: Damn right!

DM Murph: He misses and he only gets one attack!

Beverly: You slap him.

Hardwon: Or he like nails it, but he can't break the skin on my fucking legs.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Ooh, I like that.

Beverly: He's just gumming you.

DM Murph: Yeah, he's just gumming at ya.

Hardwon: "Aw, he's kinda cute."

Moonshine: Or he goes and just like all of your leg hair just like knots up in his teeth.

Hardwon: That's-

Moonshine: And he recoils.

DM Murph: That is you Beverly.

Hardwon: "It's sweet. This is how they talk. They can't use words."

Beverly: Okay. You know what, I'm just gonna do a Divine Smite.

DM Murph: Cool. So you're gonna go after the red one?

Tonathan: Smite it.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Swing on the red one.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Beverly: That's a 15 plus 6.

Tonathan: Nice.

Beverly: Alright, cool.

DM Murph: So roll your- so your 1d8 from your longsword and your 2d8s for your Divine Smite.

Beverly: [rolls dice] Oooh.

DM Murph: Plus your damage.

Beverly: That's 8 plus 6 for damage and then it's 8...

Hardwon: Nice, dude.

Beverly: And 6.

Tonathan: So that's 28 total?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so this red dragon is suddenly on death's door. So you've got this black dragon that doesn't look too good. This red dragon's on death's door. That is you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: It's me!

Hardwon: Come on Tonnie, the dragon killer.

DM Murph: [like a mini high-pitched Mario] "It's me, Tonathan"

Tonathan: Okay, so I can do another Magic Missile.

DM Murph: Cool.

Tonathan: And those'll just hit. I can command the missiles to attack different targets so I wanna see-

DM Murph: Do they go simultaneously?

Tonathan: Yeah, they strike simultaneously. Okay.

Moonshine: Yeah, so give one to that red dragon who's on death's door and then two to the black.

Tonathan: Okay, I'll try that.

DM Murph: Yeah, so you send-

Moonshine: How much are they? How much do they hit for?

Tonathan: They hit for 1d4+1.

Moonshine: 1d4+1.

DM Murph: Cool. So distribute them.

Tonathan: I'll do, yeah, one to the red dragon and three to the black dragon.

DM Murph: Okay.

Tonathan: The first one for the red dragon does 5 damage.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Oh, dope. That fucking maxed it out.

DM Murph: Yeah, that red dragon dies.

Tonathan: Great.

Moonshine: Woo!

Hardwon: Finish him!

Moonshine: Finish him.

DM Murph: You shoot him out of the sky.

Tonathan: I say, "You may have dropped me down, but I got back up. Can you do the same? Ptew." I say 'ptew,' that's not the sound the spell makes.

DM Murph: So it's simultaneous, so I'll tell you what happens after the damage is distributed but this is going after the-

Tonathan: Okay, so the other three are going after the black dragon. 2, plus 5 is 7. Okay, that's another 2, so 9 damage to the black dragon.

DM Murph: Cool. Black dragon is looking real messed up, but the red dragon dies and the log that you three are on starts to shoot down.

Tonathan: Oops.

Beverly: Oopsie.

Moonshine: Ohhhh.

DM Murph: So that is the black dragon who, let's roll and see if he gets his- He does not get his breath back. He's gonna attack Moonshine-

Moonshine: Ugh. Bubble boy-

DM Murph: And he misses.

Moonshine: Yes! Oh, thank bubble boy!

DM Murph: [as the Bev big bubble boy] "Justice prevails! J-j-just- justice prevails! Justice- justice prevails! Justice-"

[laughter]

Tonathan: What a good Bev.

DM Murph: Paw Paw just starts barking "Reer reer reer!" Just like freaking out like a dog with a stranger outside.

Beverly: It's a cacophony.

DM Murph: Yeah, so the black dragon misses. Moonshine, that's you. Your friends are shooting down rapidly on this other log.

Hardwon: Shit. Can we jump?

DM Murph: On your turn.

Hardwon: Okay.

Moonshine: I have no choice. I just gotta attack him... 18!

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: That hit.

Beverly: Woo!

Moonshine: So, just for 6.

DM Murph: 6 damage?

Moonshine: Yeah, 6 damage and then 3 more Spores.

DM Murph: Just enough to kill him.

Hardwon: Yes!

Moonshine: Yay!

DM Murph: And if you hadn't killed him I think Hardwon would have done something dumb like, even though this dragon was on death's door and Moonshine could have beat him alone, Hardwon would have probably taken the insane jump and maybe died.

Hardwon: [rolls dice] I would have jumped and [rolls die] I would have rolled a 5.

DM Murph: Woooooow!

[jeers of relief]

DM Murph: Wow. Just straight up possible Hardwon death if Moonshine didn't kill him in this turn.

Hardwon: I think I would have thrown my throwing axe, actually.

DM Murph: Ah, okay.

Moonshine: Ah okay.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah yeah yeah, that would have been a good move.

Hardwon: Nah, I would have jumped.

[laughter]

Moonshine: So I take him-

Hardwon: Who the fuck am I kidding?

Beverly: Sounds cowardly.

Moonshine: I take him into my arms and I say "I have given birth and now I must give death" and I hug him to death.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Like cradling him in my arms-

Beverly: On your bosoms?

Moonshine: Covering him with Spores.

DM Murph: You scoop-

Moonshine: Yeah, I take him to my breast to suckle.

DM Murph: Paw Paw is so jealous. Paw Paw- what really kills the dragon is Paw Paw biting into its neck, sooo jealous that someone else is breastfeeding from her.

Beverly: As we're- as we're-

Tonathan: So from our perspective, we're just going down and we see Moonshine just like grab this dragon and start suckling it like as- [laughter]

Hardwon: Mother of dragons.

Tonathan: -we disappear out of view.

Beverly: Mother of life and death. The watcher at the doorway.

Moonshine: More of like a lactating aunt of dragons.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: I shout, "Grab a toooooooth! [fading out as the stump drops]"

DM Murph: Cool, so-

Moonshine: Okay, yeah, I would also like to grab a tooth for Bev.

DM Murph: It disappears because these are not real dragons.

Moonshine: Oh, right. Okay.

Beverly: "Dang iiiiiiit!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: So yeah, you guys kill all these dragons, they fly into the stumps and you guys fly down at about the same time cause you guys killed them almost at the exact same moment.

Hardwon: Beautiful.

DM Murph: So you guys get to the bottom and-

[hard sigh of relief]

Beverly: Do we all jump up in the air at the same time and it freeze-frames?

DM Murph: That's up to you guys.

Beverly: Okay. Do you guys wanna jump up in the air at the same time?

Hardwon: "So Tonathan, what we say is Callooh, Callay."

Moonshine: "Yeah, so-"

Tonathan: "Oh thank you for- thank you. Okay, cool."

Hardwon: "On three. One, two, three..."

Players: "Callooh Callay!"

DM Murph: You see Uku walks up to you guys. He runs up to you guys, dick swaying, and he goes "Whoa, congratulations guys, now you can fight the ghost in the tower-"

Hardwon: "Whoa"

DM Murph: "and then you can go see The Watchman."

Beverly: "Huh? G- wha?"

Moonshine: "This is one of those pranks."

Beverly: "Is this a goof?"

Moonshine: I shove a berry in his mouth.

[laughter]

DM Murph: I'm gonna- let's do an opposed athletics check to see if he can avoid the berry going in his mouth.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: He rolled so bad.

Moonshine: I got... a 13.

DM Murph: Okay. He got a 6!

Tonathan: Yay!

DM Murph: You successfully shove the berry in his mouth and he starts puking and he goes "Ohhh. Oh man. Had by our own berry goof. Alright"

[laughter]

Tonathan: "It's a berry good goof."

DM Murph: "It's a berry good prank, girl. Berry good prank."

Moonshine: "Thank you, thank you. Thank you."

DM Murph: "No, but seriously, there's a ghost in the watchtower."

Beverly: "Ooookay."

Hardwon: "Why wouldn't there be?"

Moonshine: "Oh, motherfucker."

Hardwon: "Shall we take- can we take a rest?"

DM Murph: "If you guys would like to take a rest you guys can-"

Beverly: Let’s nap it up.

Hardwon: I fall asleep instantly.

Moonshine: "I suppose so. Let's trance. Last chance to trance."

DM Murph: Alright. So you guys have only been up for like ten minutes and you guys need to spend like a full day like- You guys are just out in this village you guys set up a little campsite.

Beverly: Oh yeah. Can we hang out with Uku?

DM Murph: "Yeah, you can hang out with me, sure."

Beverly: "What do you like to do, Uku?"

DM Murph: "I just meditate. You guys wanna sit around for a while?"

Hardwon: Nope. I'm asleep.

Moonshine: I'm like, "Yeah, let's meditate."

DM Murph: "Alright, let's meditate."

Moonshine: I strip the overalls.

DM Murph: Cool. So as you guys kinda go to bed, Uku talks to you, Moonshine, as you guys are kind of meditating and he says, "Be careful when you enter the tower. Long ago there was a woman who grew up without ever knowing her parents. She climbed the tower and she spoke to The Watchman to ask about them. When she found out that they were peasants she was incensed. She believed she was destined to be special. So when she continued to berate The Watchman after insisting that she leave, she refused, so he cursed her and now she's, you know, kind of a crazy ghost who lives in the tower and kills anyone who goes in."

Moonshine: "And she hates peasants?"

Tonathan: "Yeah, sounds kinda classist."

DM Murph: "She doesn't hate peasants, she just wanted to be special. She wanted to be like a Princess. She thought maybe she didn't know her parents because they were somebody special and they were just-"

Moonshine: "Oh, she found out her parents were peasants."

DM Murph: "Right, yeah. Also-"

Beverly: "So it's kinda like a macabre take on a Rapunzel tale."

DM Murph: "Sure. Sure."

Moonshine: "Do you think that perhaps she is- does she retain an intellect that perhaps she may feel empathy?”

DM Murph: "Oh no. She's super mean. She hates that other people can up the tower and talk to The Watchman because she thinks he's lying to her, but he's not. Also, you know, when you talk to The Watchman, he likes to be kinda vague and stuff sometimes so ask a really pointed question. And also-"

Moonshine: "It doesn't have to be yes or no, right?"

DM Murph: "It doesn't have to be yes or no. He knows everything that has happened and he knows everything that’s going on right now, but he doesn't know the future and, if you go up there and you as- like, me, I wasted my question. I went up there and I was like 'How do I be a good person?' and he was like 'Fuck you, that's not how it works.' and then I just walked down and now I just hang out here."

Tonathan: "Sort of a potty mouth."

Moonshine: "Well, I dunno, you can really dig into that answer, 'Fuck you, that's not how it works.' and take some wisdom from that."

DM Murph: "That's true. I mean-"

Beverly: "Yeah, I think there's a philosophical backing to that."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Perhaps that's why I stuck around. Just because you know, tell other people how it works you know."

Beverly: "If we shout 'Boo!' after he gives us a bad answer, will that shame him into giving us a good answer?"

DM Murph: "Sometimes he- he did turn that woman into a ghost. You'll be on top of a watchtower. He's a big god. Sort of a spectral head. He could just blow you off the tower and kill you so-"

Beverly: "So watch your mouth."

DM Murph: "You just be super careful."

Beverly: "Yeah. Be cool, be smart. Gotcha."

Moonshine: "Okay."

Beverly: "Can you tell me anything about this ghost? Would you say- what classification would you give it? I think Tonathan and I would love to know that."

Tonathan: "Yeah, that would be super helpful."

DM Murph: "Super undead. She's dead. She is a ghost."

Beverly: "Super undead. Cool cool cool cool cool cool."

DM Murph: So everybody goes to bed?

Tonathan: Here are my Portent rolls.

DM Murph: Okay.

Tonathan: 18... and 1.

DM Murph: Oh, that's good though.

Moonshine: Mmmm.

DM Murph: Having a 1 on deck is good.

Tonathan: Yep.

DM Murph: So you guys- yeah, you guys hang out with Uku and you go to bed, you wake up the next day.

Hardwon: We're marching into this ghost tower.

DM Murph: Yeah. Uku takes you to the tower. "Again, just be super polite with The Watchman. He's kind of a dick."

Beverly: "Cool. We're gonna be asking mostly pube related questions so it should be fine."

DM Murph: "Right."

Hardwon: I burp a bunch of crick tea.

[laughter]

DM Murph: "I did see you were drinking mud, it made me nervous."

Hardwon: "Crick tea. You're- you have no class."

[laughter]

DM Murph: You see that there are these big beefy goliath guards standing before the tower and he kind of motions for them to move, they move out of the way.

Beverly: We walk in, right?

Tonathan: We walk in.

DM Murph: So you guys enter to the foul stench of death. There are lanterns in the corner of this first room with blue flames, giving the place a creepy blue glow. It's a simple room made of stone, but you do see bones on the floor and about five full skeletons throughout the room.

Tonathan: Ok. As I see the skeletons, I'm reminded of the spectre of death and I just cast Spare The Dying on Barnaby so that it's ready.

DM Murph: Oh. Okay. Great.

Beverly: Nice.

Moonshine: Oooh that's good.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Barnaby is ready to save somebody's life

Beverly: I lowkey steal a tooth from the skull but I don't make a big deal out of it.

DM Murph: Okay. You go over... you pull a tooth from the skull. Believe it or not, it does not come alive.

Beverly: [sarcastically] [laughter] That's weird.

DM Murph: Yeah, that's strange.

Beverly: But isn't this a spooky dungeon?

DM Murph: You guys see about five full skeletons in the room. On the other side of the room there is the beginning of what looks like a spiral staircase and you guys can hear a woman whimpering in the distance coming from upstairs."

Beverly: What's the music like, is this like-

DM Murph: [Weeping]

Moonshine: "Y'all, that's the ghost I told you about. The one whose parents are peasants."

Beverly: "Oh, okay. Yeah."

Moonshine: "Man, it stinks of peasant blood in here!"

[laughter]

Beverly: "Hey, Tonathan."

Tonathan: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Could you use- don't you have like a spell that can make minor changes."

Tonathan: "Uh, I've got Prestidigitation, I've got Minor Illusion, what do you want?"

Beverly: "I just like, this blue lighting isn't great for me. Could you make the flames green?"

Tonathan: "Oh, sure. Yeah."

Hardwon: [incredulously] "You wanna change the mood lighting in here?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Okay."

Tonathan: Yeah, I make the flames green.

Beverly: "Cool!"

DM Murph: You make the flames green. You see the whole room turns green... and you hear the voice upstairs say, [overly dramatic, quivering ghost] "Who has come into the tower princess’ castle and changed the lighting!?!"

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Weird. I didn't know a peasant could be a princess. Did you marry into some kind of family?"

DM Murph: All of a sudden [woosh] this ghostly woman phases through the ceiling and appears in the room with you guys.

Hardwon: "Oh, she looks poor."

Moonshine: "Oh, everyone-"

DM Murph: "You must be mistaken."

Moonshine: "Everyone guard your pockets, I don't want to get pickpocketed by some kind of urchin."

Hardwon: Hardwon tosses her a single gold coin.

[laughter]

DM Murph: I'm trying to figure out who she's most angry at right now, so Moonshine and Hardwon both roll me charisma checks to see who's being the biggest dick.

Beverly: While they're doing this-

Moonshine: I got a... 7.

DM Murph: 7.

Hardwon: I got- either way doesn't matter. I got a 6.

DM Murph: Okay, Moonshine. She flies at you and attempts to possess you. Roll a charisma check.

Hardwon: Oh, I thought it was gonna happen to me cause I got the worst.

Beverly: Oh.

Moonshine: Nat 20.

DM Murph: Oh my god!!!

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: So you tease this chick. Insult this woman in her home. She tries to fly into your mouth and you just spit some spores back at her. She goes like "Ugh. Disgusting! Not worthy of royalty!"

[laughter]

Moonshine: "What royalty? Is someone royal coming here?"

DM Murph: "Fuck you. I-"

Tonathan: "Ooh, my god."

Moonshine: "Oh, are you talking about me?"

DM Murph: "Oh, you're so rude!"

Moonshine: "I guess comparatively I might seem royal."

Hardwon: As a bonus action can I start peeing on the ground?

[laughter]

DM Murph: Everybody-

Hardwon: "This place is a toilet, right?"

DM Murph: Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: "Hey guys, look. It's green like my clothes!"

[laughter]

Hardwon: 22.

Tonathan: What a rude crew.

Moonshine: 8

Beverly: 16

Tonathan: 14.

DM Murph: Hardwon you act first.

Hardwon: Great. I'm gonna swing at her with my magic axe.... that is going to be a 22.

Moonshine: Ooh!

DM Murph: Yes, that hits.

Beverly: Oh.

DM Murph: It's a good thing it's a fucking magic hat- magic axe, or Magic Hat, yeah. It's a beer- he's swinging a beer bottle at her.

Hardwon: I am a Great Weapons Fighter as evidenced by my second 7, which is add wait, uh, 7- 13.

DM Murph: You mess her up. You swing into her. You see she sort of phases out for a second. "No way to treat a princess!"

Hardwon: "Is there a princess? Moonshine you said you-"

DM Murph: “Excuse-?!”

Moonshine: "Oh, miss, I'm sorry. You keep-"

DM Murph: [insistent, increasingly higher pitched voice] "I'm the princess!!!"

Hardwon: "Where's the princess?"

DM Murph: "I'm the princess of the tower!"

Moonshine: "You keep mistaking it. I'm not a princess. I understand-"

DM Murph: "I'm the princess of the tower!"

Moonshine: "I understand. I understand."

Beverly: "I hang out with a lot of noble people and you don't really fit the bill."

DM Murph: [shrill shriek as ghost] Beverly it's your turn.

Beverly: Okay, I'm gonna cast Protection from Evil and Good.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: On... hmmm, who's the most susceptible? I'll cast it on Tonathan.

Tonathan: Oh thank you!

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: And then I will cast Shield of Faith on Moonshine again.

Moonshine: Yeeees.

Beverly: And this time I have altered the speaking line so it's a different- it rotates every time I cast it.

Tonathan: That's very fun.

Beverly: So now it says, "Pelor be praised!"

DM Murph: "P-P-Pelor be praised! P-P-Pelor-"

Beverly: [slowing down breaking robot voice] "Pelor be praised."

DM Murph: Okay, that is the ghost.

Beverly: A poor ghost!

DM Murph: On the ghost's turn you see these five skeletons pop up and come to life.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Hardwon: Fucker.

DM Murph: Then she's also- I'm gonna need everyone who can see her, which is everyone, to make a...

Moonshine: When she makes them come to life was she using her voice to speak that magic?

DM Murph: No, they were always just gonna come alive.

Moonshine: Gotcha.

DM Murph: Peak behind the screen, they were gonna come alive in the encounter with her, but if you guys had fucked up the skeletons before you went upstairs they wouldn't have come alive.

Beverly: Dang it.

Moonshine: Motherfucker.

Beverly: Are they feeling-

DM Murph: Just like kind of a fun little puzzle element you know.

Tonathan: One of them has one less tooth, though.

DM Murph: One of them has one less tooth. He looks silly as fuck.

Beverly: Yeah, is he feeling self conscious about his look?

Hardwon: It was a front tooth that he took, right?

DM Murph: Yeah, he looks upset. He keeps feeling for his tooth like he just chipped a tooth. They're not gonna attack this round though.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: But they just came up, but this ghost- everybody needs to- she makes a horrifying face with like, she's got like worms coming out of her eyes and shit. Everybody make me a wisdom saving throw as you see this horrifying visage.

Tonathan: Is this magic, because I have advantage on wisdom saving throws versus magic.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Tonathan is- well, he's protected from that.

Tonathan: Oh, sweet.

Moonshine: I got 18.

Hardwon: Same.

DM Murph: Cool, you pass.

Moonshine: Yeah, baby.

Beverly: Ooh, do I get to reroll a 1 on this?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Tonathan: So wait, does that mean I don't even have to roll if I'm protected?

Beverly: Let me- I just got another 1!

DM Murph: Oh my-

Hardwon: How Lucky can you be?

DM Murph: Beverly-

Beverly: [disbelieving] Oh, Lucky.

DM Murph: Guys, this is crazy.

Tonathan: Make it an 18.

DM Murph: OHHH MY GOD, DUDE! [clapping]

Moonshine and Hardwon: Yeah!

Beverly: But I also have Brave so I have an advantage against frightened so would I get to roll it again?

DM Murph: Yeah, you would have gotten to roll again.

Beverly: So re-roll for Lucky and then re-roll again for advantage against frighten?

DM Murph: Correct. So if you wanna save your-

Tonathan: Oh okay. So you-

Moonshine: Okay, Maybe hold off-

Tonathan: I’ll save it.

Beverly: Hold off on that.

Tonathan: Unless you roll another 1.

Hardwon: Which is possible here.

DM Murph: Let me tell you-

Beverly: That’s a 20!!!

[excited celebrations]

DM Murph: You guys all resisted. Guys, this was so bad.

Beverly: "I ain't afraid of no ghost!"

DM Murph: If you had actually rolled a 1 on that, If you fail by 5 or more you age by 1d4 times 10 years. So Beverly could have just become-

Tonathan: Oh, so you would have gotten your chest hair!

DM Murph: You would have become like a fifty year old man!

Beverly: What?

Tonathan: You would have gotten your chest hair though.

Hardwon: At least, yeah.

DM Murph: It would have been insane!

Beverly: That would have been-

Moonshine: No, he would have become like a thirty year old man.

Hardwon: You would have been older than Tonathan.

DM Murph: Yeah, on average he would have been maybe a thirty or a twenty. No- cause he's sixteen now.

Beverly: 15.

Moonshine: 1d4 plus 10?

DM Murph: That is you, Tonathan.

Tonathan: Great. I- where are the skeletons located?

DM Murph: You guys are all in a small room, you can get to the skeletons however you'd like. They're all in a bunch kind of in the middle of the room. You can get them all with the same thing if you'd like to-

Tonathan: I would like to cast Grease underneath the skeletons.

DM Murph: Cool. Ooh this is wacky!

[laughter]

Tonathan: Slippery skeletons. [reading] Slick grease covers the ground in a 10 foot square centered on a point within range.

DM Murph: Great.

Tonathan: [reading] It turns into difficult terrain for the duration. When the grease appears each creature standing in the area must succeed a dexterity saving throw or fall prone.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: Let's-

Beverly: They all go 'Hachachachacha'.

DM Murph: I guarantee skeletons do not have good dexterity.

Tonathan: They gotta beat 14.

DM Murph: Okay. First one: passes. He rolled a 19.

Tonathan: Okay.

DM Murph: Second one: fails. Pass. Fail... Three fails and two passes so three of them keel over.

Beverly: That's our Ton.

Moonshine: Okay. Okay.

DM Murph: Moonshine, You're up.

Moonshine: You know what, I'm just gonna do second level Ice Knife on her.

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: So, let me see...

Hardwon: Feels like if she dies those skeletons might die. She raised them.

Beverly: Yeah. They're her crew.

Tonathan: I slowed 'em down.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: I'm assuming 11 is not going to hit her?

DM Murph: 11 actually... is going to hit her.

Hardwon: Wow.

DM Murph: She's just a ghost.

Moonshine: So-

Hardwon: Yeah, just a real poor ghost.

DM Murph: [As the ghost] "Excuse me!!!"

Moonshine: So I hit her for 1, but then, hit or miss the shard explodes and the target and each creature within 5 feet of it must succeed a dexterity saving throw or take 3d6 damage.

DM Murph: She rolled a 1 so go for it.

Hardwon: Wow.

Beverly: "Wow, this ghost shops at the clothing rack at Kohl’s."

Hardwon: "That's right,"

DM Murph: "Excuse you!"

Moonshine: I literally rolled-

DM Murph: You rolled-

Moonshine: Two 1s and a 2.

Hardwon: Wow.

Moonshine: So I hit her for 4 more. That was a devastating round, I can't believe-

DM Murph: "Well you certainly fight like a noble!"

Hardwon: "I see the tag on your dress. It says Talbott's"

DM Murph: [sarcastically]"Ah- ha-ha."

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise we were just dancing. That this was a ball. Cause none of you do any damage!"

Moonshine: "Maybe you didn't realise that because you've never been to a ball."

Beverly: Wow.

DM Murph: "What?!?!"

Tonathan: "Ooh, ooh. I wanna insult too. Uh- you- you're uh, you're see-through."

Moonshine: "That is true."

Beverly: "No wonder your laughing spell didn't work."

DM Murph: She just starts quietly crying in a way that is not funny at all.

Hardwon: “Tonathan, that was not cool.”

Tonathan: "Uh. Yeah, I'll just stick to spells."

Moonshine: "Go after her."

Tonathan: "I'll just stick to spells."

DM Murph: Hardwon that's you.

Hardwon: Oh, sweet, I'm gonna spin my magic-

DM Murph: Three prone skeletons, two-

Hardwon: I still wanna swing my magic axe at this lady.

DM Murph: Do it up.

Hardwon: That is an 18.

DM Murph: 18 hits.

Hardwon: Do I reroll on 1 and 2 or just 2?

DM Murph: 1 and 2. For damage.

Beverly: Reall- wow.

Hardwon: Good fucking catch, how many times have I done that?

Beverly: Tonathan is our-

DM Murph: Simplest character, Jake.

Hardwon: Yeah, no it's- That's an 11 damage on this-

DM Murph: 11 damage. Okay.

Hardwon: This sales rack shopping bitch.

DM Murph: She's starting to kinda fade from reality.

Beverly: Oh.

Moonshine: So mad that I rolled so poorly on that Ice Knife.

Hardwon: "Oh shit, are you going to Walmart? She's trying to-"

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Oh, if you're going to Walmart, you know they have food? Of course you know they have food."

DM Murph: "I'm invited to an important party... in hell!"

Hardwon: "Does she- she usually eats at the soup kitchen I think."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "That's classist! Classist!”

[laughter]

DM Murph: That's you, Bev.

Hardwon: "Honestly, we're poor too."

Moonshine: "Don't tell her that."

Beverly: "Wow, nice Zune." Alright, I'm just gonna keep-

DM Murph: "It plays music, okay?! What else do you need it to do?!"

[laughter]

Hardwon: Such a- I'm starting to feel bad.

DM Murph: "What else do you need it to do, it's a Zune!"

Hardwon: I feel bad.

DM Murph: She has those big headphones that, you know, they're not sound cancelling. Just the big ones.

Hardwon: Oh yeah. Just like she stole off of first class on a flight as she was leaving.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: [laughter] She takes the bus.

DM Murph: "You get these for free on JetBlue!"

Hardwon: Oh god.

Beverly: I'm just gonna keep casting Protection from Evil and Good.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I'm gonna cast it on Hardwon this time.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: And then just kind of like [panicked/indecisive gibberish] just dance with the skeletons.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: They're greasy.

DM Murph: They're super greasy. Great. So, that is-

Hardwon: What does the Protect from Evil and Good do?

DM Murph: -the ghosts turn.

Tonathan: You can't be frightened for a-

Beverly: And she has disadvantage on attacking you.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: She attempts to fly into your mouth, Bev. Give me a charisma saving throw.

Beverly: Oh. Uh-oh.

DM Murph: She rolled a 6 on her recharge.

Hardwon: Bev's got high-

Moonshine: Well he's a charismatic baby though.

Hardwon: -he's a very good boy.

DM Murph: Mmhmm. He's a very bad roller though.

Beverly: "I could introduce you to some very nice people in high society."

Moonshine: Remember charisma saving throw you add a 6, not even just a 4.

Beverly: Yeah. Oh.

DM Murph: "Could you bring them to the tower?"

Beverly: "I think so." That's a 15.

DM Murph: That... passes.

Beverly: Nice.

[collective sigh of relief]

DM Murph: So she straight up doesn't do anything. She tries to fly into your mouth and you burp her up.

Beverly: I think I just like, as she approaches I hold up my sigil for my house and say like "I think that you would like to meet the people I know."

DM Murph: "I'm bound to this castle."

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Bring your family here for dinneeeeeeer!"

Moonshine: "Oh my god, she is so pathetic."

Beverly: "I've got some people you could rub elbows with if your elbows weren't transparent."

DM Murph: Cool. So the three-

Hardwon: Just be proud of who you are.

DM Murph: So the three skeletons that are prone are gonna get up. They're not gonna make it to you guys but they're gonna start coming over. They don't have enough speed to get all the way over to you guys, but the two ones that are standing up are able to make it over and they're gonna swing on Tonathan, because fuck Tonathan.

Tonathan: [whimpers] I made them slippy.

DM Murph: First guy misses. Second guy: misses.

Beverly: They have disadvantage on attack rolls against him.

DM Murph: They missed even with regular attacks so they miss.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: So that's the skeletons. That is you, Ton.

Tonathan: Ton! I'm gonna cast Pyrotechnics.

DM Murph: Kay.

Tonathan: [reading] I choose an area of non-magical flame that I can see- I'll pick one of the candles that is close to her but out of range of you guys- and I'm going to make it explode with dazzling display of fireworks.

DM Murph: Cool. What does she need to do?

Tonathan: She needs to beat a 14 constitution saving throw or become blinded.

DM Murph: Cool. [rolls dice]

Hardwon: Yes!

DM Murph: She's blinded.

Tonathan: Great. "You're blind!"

DM Murph: "Good. You look like shit. I'm happy I can't see you."

Hardwon: "Well this place is really ugly, you're lucky you can't see it."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Yes. I'm not gonna run when I get to low HP because I want to be released!"

Moonshine: "Wait, how are you gonna be able to do all the thrift shopping you do if you can't pick through- you can't see to pick through."

DM Murph: "You're my least favorite! You're my least favorite!"

Hardwon: "It doesn't look like she looks that hard when she goes shopping anyway."

DM Murph: "You're my least favorite!" Moonshine you're up.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: This ghost has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on her lower back.

Moonshine: I'm going to Melf's Acid Arrow her.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Melf!

Hardwon: Melf Melf Melf!

Beverly: Melf!

Moonshine: Oh, that's gonna hit. 17?

DM Murph: Dope. That hits.

Moonshine: Okay. 11 damage?

DM Murph: 11 damage. She is right fucked up.

Moonshine: And then at the beginning of her next turn she's gonna take 2d4 more damage and then I'm gonna blow a Spore kiss at her.

DM Murph: Okay, you're not a Fungal Queen? Just 3 damage?

Moonshine: Nah, it's just 3 damage.

DM Murph: She's on death's door. Or, she's already dead, she's on fading-into-nothing door.

Beverly: Emily, you've gotta turn into a Fungal Queen because it will insult her.

Moonshine: It takes a whole turn.

Beverly: Oh, darn.

Moonshine: And I don’t wanna waste a turn.

DM Murph: Hardwon that's you.

Hardwon: Okay. That's a 12.

DM Murph: 12 to hit?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: Really?

DM Murph: Yeah, she doesn't have a lot of armor.

Moonshine: Yeah, she doesn't have armor.

Tonathan: 11 hit before, yeah.

Beverly: Wow.

Hardwon: And that is a 17.

DM Murph: Hardwon, finish her.

Moonshine: Oooooh.

Hardwon: I mean-

DM Murph: She's a ghost.

Hardwon: I feel so bad about how poor she is.

Moonshine: No, no, no. Lean into it. She's a piece of shit.

Hardwon: I feel bad about how we've made her feel.

Beverly: No, but in the afterlife everyone is rich.

Tonathan: Yeah, lay her to rest.

Beverly: Mmhmm.

Hardwon: Great. I'm going to scoop her up in my arms.

DM Murph: [Amused] Okay

Tonathan: [laughing] And suckle her-

Hardwon: And say, "You should have known that you were always a princess." And I'm gonna slice her neck open with-

Tonathan: Slice her ghost neck.

DM Murph: Cool, so you slice this ghost’s neck and she says, "That seemed kinda fucked up but I don't have a neck so I guess it's fine. I'm off to hellllllll!"

Moonshine: "Oh shit."

Hardwon: "It's nicer down there. Trust me."

DM Murph: And she disappears. And the skeletons fall back down.

Moonshine: Yeahh.

Hardwon: Just-

Beverly: Woo!

Hardwon: -covered in grease.

Moonshine: Alright y'all.

Tonathan: The ground is still very slippery there. “Be careful guys, it's very slippery.”

DM Murph: [laughter] Covered in grease. The one who doesn't have a tooth just keeps- is still alive and reaching for where his tooth was.

Moonshine: Alright y'all, so I saved all my first level spells so that I could cast Spider Climb on all of us to climb up the tower.

Beverly: Ahh, tight.

Tonathan: Ah we can do it- we don't even have to use the stairs.

Moonshine: So we presumably wouldn't have to- Oh wait, oh there's stairs? I thought we had to climb the tower?

DM Murph: Climb it. Climb the stairs.

Beverly: Let's Spider Climb anyway though.

Tonathan: Let's Spider Climb it, that's way more fun.

Moonshine: Ah motherfucker!

[laughter]

Beverly: Nah, nah, let's do-

Tonathan: Nah, this is cool!

Hardwon: But do we show up in front of this wizard as four spiders?

Moonshine: No, we just get really-

Tonathan: We just climb like spiders.

Moonshine: We just climb like spiders, yeah.

Hardwon: Oh. Alright, cool, let's do that.

Moonshine: I guess I saved it so-

DM Murph: You guys are gonna go outside and like climb it like Spiderman?

Beverly: Yeah, yeah yeah. It's like- it's team building.

Moonshine: I thought that's what we were gonna have to do from the start.

Hardwon: Or we could- we could just like traverse around the stairs we just-

DM Murph: So are you guys just climbing up the walls on the inside?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Yeah. Like geckos.

Tonathan: This feels so funny. I love it.

DM Murph: You guys climb up the walls on the inside. You see- you kinda put your foot down.

Moonshine: Y’all, I thought this was gonna be a really like big move but-

Hardwon: Turns out it's just small but awesome.

DM Murph: You dip your toe into the stairs and some of them collapse and you're like 'Oh, traps, we kind of avoided those, that's nice.'

Beverly: You're just saying that.

DM Murph: Oh, okay, alright. Maybe there wasn't a trap but yeah, you see some stairs fall, you guys avoid them so good. I'm so proud of you.

Tonathan: Yay!

Beverly: Gotcha!

Moonshine: Yeah!

Tonathan: Good job Moonshine.

Moonshine: But also maybe it'll make a really good first impression on The Watchman?

Tonathan: Yeah just [laughter]-

Moonshine: For all of us to gecko climb in.

DM Murph: You guys-

Hardwon: Winning.

Tonathan: He's been watching us this whole time.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You guys climb up to the top of the tower and the fresh air hits you. You guys were in this stinky ass death tower. The fresh air hits you. You guys can see Galederon in the distance. The zeppelins and the airships hovering around it and to the left you guys can see the ocean and suddenly a giant spectral head appears with dozens of eyes, many of them rotating quickly in all directions, but one eye looks right at you guys and he says-

Moonshine: "They undersold how many eyes you would have."

DM Murph: [Booming godly echoing voice] "I have many eyes! I am The Watchman. Don't ask me a question that is casual because I'll only let you ask one and people get really pissed when they get tricked. They come up and they say, Don't you think it's a nice day? What's up with you? and then I say 'Ha ha! Tricked!"

Moonshine: "Yeah..."

Beverly: "Okay..."

Moonshine: "Not a question for you so plug your ears or whatever."

Beverly: "Group up? Wanna huddle up?"

Moonshine: "I don't even wanna say a question out loud so just whoever wants, have at it."

DM Murph: "Do you guys wanna roll initiative?!"

Hardwon: "Sure."

Beverly: "What?"

Tonathan: "Yeah, let's do that."

Beverly: Oh yeah that's a good-

Moonshine: Yeah we can do that.

Hardwon: “By the way, you can ask me as many questions as you like.”

Moonshine: Okay. I got 20. Not nat.

Beverly: I got 9. Aw.

Tonathan: I got 6.

Hardwon: 12.

DM Murph: Okay, Moonshine you go first.

Moonshine: Okay. [deep sigh] "What plant will cure crick rot?"

DM Murph: "Crick rot is demonic influence and you cannot cure it with a plant."

Moonshine: [under her breath] "Mother-"

Beverly: "That was pretty straight forward."

Tonathan: "Yeah, that was pretty good."

Moonshine: "Alright, well, thank you. Thank you so much."

DM Murph: "You're welcome."

Moonshine: I say thank you to every single eye. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you."

DM Murph: You say it thirty two times.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Who's next?

Hardwon: I had a 12, does anyone have-

Beverly: I had a 9 so yeah.

Moonshine: That's you.

Tonathan: Yeah, I'm last.

DM Murph: Kay.

Moonshine: Hardwon, get in there baby.

Hardwon: "Oh shit, this seems pretty straight forward, huh?"

Beverly: Mmhmm.

Hardwon: "Who are my parents?"

DM Murph: "Your parents are Lydia Stormborn and Elias Stormborn."

Beverly: Do I know who those people are?

DM Murph: You don't.

Beverly: Okay.

Tonathan: Do I know who those people are?

DM Murph: You don't.

Tonathan: Okay.

Hardwon: Lydia and Elias Stormborn?

Beverly: Dang.

Moonshine: Is Elias a girl or a boy? That'd be kinda dope if he had two sweet moms.

Hardwon: How do I spell Elia? This is me asking the DM.

DM Murph: Elias.

Hardwon: E-L-

DM Murph: I-A-S

Hardwon:I-A-S?

Moonshine: Oh E-L-I-A-S. I thought it was like alias.

DM Murph: And Lydia Stormborn.

Hardwon: "Shit. I had another question about my ex but-"

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Thank you."

Moonshine: "How long is her beard right now?"

Hardwon: [laughter] "Is she dating somebody else?"

DM Murph: "Who is next? Hurry up!"

Hardwon: "Did she move on?"

Beverly: "Okay. My turn. My name is Beverly Toegold, six leaf Green Teen, junior knight and I would like to know-" I hold up the amulet of Pelor-

Hardwon: He starts to unbuckle his shirt.

Beverly: [laughter] Yeah, I start to-

[laughter]

Beverly: [jokingly earnest] "And I have a very important question and that I would like to-"

Hardwon: "No no no no- ki-kid"

Beverly: I hold up the amulet and say like, "What has caused this amulet of Pelor to crack? This holy artifact which can be mended by magic but returns to its cracked state. What has corrupted it so?"

DM Murph: "Thiala has broken her pact with Pelor."

Beverly: [long hard gasp]

[gasps]

Beverly: I faint.

Moonshine: "Ohhhhh Melora."

DM Murph: Beverly goes down.

Beverly: I just- I faint and I start twitching on the ground. [laughter]

Tonathan: "Alright, uh- this is why I came here. Guys, thank you so much for scooping me up and helping me. I definitely wouldn't have made it here without your help."

Hardwon: "Same."

Tonathan: [timidly] "Great- Great Watchman uh- of the world. Uh- where have the legendary heroes of Bahumia gone?"

DM Murph: "Alanis is not on this plane. Thiala and Ulgar are headed for Galederon."

Tonathan: "Wow."

Hardwon: "Shit."

Beverly: [waking from faint] "Gah. Oh yeah, I think I had another concussion."

Tonathan: "Thank you so much. Happy watching."

DM Murph: Dope.

Hardwon: "Thank you."

Beverly: "Thank you. Um, Watchman, sir, as a gift for all of your kind words-"

Tonathan: [laughter] Gonna give him a tooth?

Beverly: "Would you like a berry?"

[laughter]

Hardwon: Oh. My god.

Moonshine: Ohhhh my god we might need this Spider Climb to get out of here.

Hardwon: No no no- I am runnning the fuck out of here.

Beverly: [Hyperventilated laughter]

DM Murph: He... roll a dexterity saving throw. He knows every- he knows what the berry is.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: Roll a dexterity saving throw.

Beverly: Um, I wanna use sleight of hand to switch the berry with a marshmallow.

DM Murph: He knows everything, Caldwell.

Beverly: Okay, shit. Alright, this was a bad joke. Okay, dexterity saving throw... I got a 2!

Hardwon: Oh no.

Moonshine: Just remember you have Spider Climb!

Tonathan: Yeah, yeah- 18. 18.

Beverly: 18 plus 2.

DM Murph: Okay. 20.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You are blown to the edge of the tower and are able to hang on but you're still being blown. Everybody roll initiative to get out of there without this god killing you.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: Goooood.

Tonathan: "Good job, Bev!"

Beverly: "I have my humor patch, I have to give it a go!"

Hardwon: 20.

Moonshine: 5.

Tonathan: 11.

Beverly: Uh, 3.

Hardwon: How tall is this tower?

Moonshine: We got Spider Climb!

Tonathan: We still got Spider Climb?

Beverly: We got Spider Climb.

DM Murph: It's tall. You can climb down.

Tonathan: "Let's go, let's go, let's go!"

Hardwon: Cool.

Tonathan: "Dammit, Bev."

Beverly: [laughter]

DM Murph: Alright.

Moonshine: Oh Melora.

DM Murph: Hardwon you go first as you see this god blow Beverly off. Beverly's just hanging off like being tornadoed.

Hardwon: Alright, I'm gonna take my axe and swing- just kidding guys.

[laughter]

Tonathan: Let's fight the god!

Hardwon: I'm gonna run to the edge of this tower and start to Spider Climb down, nodding to Bev that he should do the exact same thing.

Beverly: Yep!

DM Murph: Hardwon just jumps over the edge and starts climbing down. This guy's just like "You guys are pricks! How did you think I would fall for that? I am the great Watchman!"

Moonshine: [sigh]

DM Murph: "Uku told you not to be pricks!"

Beverly: "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!"

Hardwon: "Beverly-"

DM Murph: That is Moonshine.

Moonshine: Ok. I can-

Hardwon: Someone toss a berry in his mouth while he's yelling.

Moonshine: I can [laughter]- I get a movement and an action, right?

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: I cast Healing Spirit, my spectral many-nippled Paw Paw, and I say, "Uh, this is an apology for what my young friend has done. Think of it as an olive branch, or rather, a spectral possum with many nipples. Just suckle at it. I'm telling you what, it tastes great, it's gonna give you healing points-"

DM Murph: "This is awesome. I won't kill you."

Moonshine: And then I begin my Spider Climb descent.

DM Murph: Okay. Moonshine starts Spider Climbing down. That's the god's turn. Beverly give me another dexterity saving throw.

Beverly: Okay.

Tonathan: I don't have anymore- I only have the 1. I can't help you.

Beverly: Ooh, that's another 3!

DM Murph: Beverly you are blown off the tower.

Beverly: Ha-huh. Can I-

Hardwon: What's the owl up to?

Beverly: Yeah. Can I-

Tonathan: Yeah I-

Moonshine: Yeah, he might need to spare some dying.

Tonathan: Yup.

Beverly: This was a lot funnier when Uku did it.

Tonathan: Yeah.

[laughter]

Tonathan: Uku just has better comedic timing.

Beverly: Yeah, you know what-

Hardwon: The one thing Uku said was to not be a dick to the god. All we had to do was not be an asshole to the god.

Moonshine: Bev, if you make it out of this I think you're losing your humor patch.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: And the religion one.

Beverly: Yeah-

DM Murph: Beverly flies off of the tower. Falls several hundred feet onto the ground for-

Beverly: Can I try and-

Hardwon: Oh. So many dice.

DM Murph: It's not your turn, you can't do anything.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: 7, 11... 14, 20, 21, 31, 33 damage.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: What does that put you at?

Beverly: ...10.

Tonathan: Wow, hmm.

DM Murph: If you get negative your HP you die on impact.

Beverly: [horrified gasp] Oh god.

Tonathan: How many more-

DM Murph: I'm gonna roll another 10d6.

Tonathan: Okay. Great.

DM Murph: 4-

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: 8, 12, 17, 19, 20, 22, 23, 24 damage.

Beverly: [Huge sigh of relief]

Moonshine: [sigh of relief]

Tonathan: Okay, so you're not negative your max HP.

Beverly: Alright, so- my max HP is 43. I had 33-

Moonshine: So yeah so it would be like negative 12 so you are not-

Beverly: So I'm good.

Hardwon: So the joke was still funny.

Moonshine: Are not-

DM Murph: Beverly crashes into the ground so hard and by the time- Okay, so that is actually- Tonathan are you just running? You guys haven't- You haven't gotten a go.

Tonathan: Yeah, I'd like to get- "I apologise for my friend. It's, you know, we didn't tell him to do that so I think you made your point but if you're still mad... sorry."

[laughter]

Tonathan: Yeah, Spider Climbing out. I'll send Barnaby to Spare the Dying on Bev.

DM Murph: You guys get to the bottom and Beverly is like, crumpled up, looking like you're dead. Like, broken legs, super, super fucked up.

Moonshine: As the owl comes over I stop him for a second, rip off young Bev's humor patch and then invite the owl to do his thing.

[laughter]

DM Murph: [fighting laughter] Rip off his humor patch!

Beverly: [hoarse and pained] "That's fair."

Moonshine: “Imma have to show this little kid some tough love.”

Beverly: That's my third concussion. Fourth? Fourth concussion.

DM Murph: Oh, dude, that's-

Hardwon: Yeah, we gotta keep track.

DM Murph: That's the closest we've come to death, for the stupidest reason.

Hardwon: Wow.

DM Murph: That was crazy.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Hardwon: Consequences.

Beverly: As I'm lying on the ground I'm just saying the word Thiala over and over again.

DM Murph: So you guys are able to Spare the Dying on Beverly. Beverly comes back to life hopefully a little rattled.

Beverly: Very rattled.

Hardwon: He doesn't have his memory and I'm like "Yeah, he ate the berry. It was hilarious, man."

Beverly: [hoarse] "I don't think he got the joke."

DM Murph: Beverly, you now have a giant scar across your forehead.

Hardwon: Oppa Harry Potter style.

Moonshine: Ohhh.

DM Murph: Oppa Harry Potter style scar.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: From nearly falling to your death.

Beverly: "If Thiala broke her pact then what's the point of a pact?"

Moonshine: "Oh, so that's why you were acting out?"

Hardwon: "Is that why- you had a fucking death wish?"

Moonshine: "Was that a suicide attempt?"

Beverly: "I don't know what I'm thinking anymore."

Moonshine: "Oh my god."

Hardwon: "One too many concussions."

Moonshine: "Ugh. Poor rattled little brain."

Tonathan: "Guys, you know I don't- I think adventuring maybe I'm not cut out for this. Uh-"

Hardwon: "Hey, don't you say that. You were cut out for it. You were for sure cut out for it."

Moonshine: "Yeah, you did-"

Hardwon: "Killed a dragon."

Moonshine: "-wonderfully."

Tonathan: "Thank you. I- hmm- maybe, could I stay here and study what knowledge these monks have?"

Moonshine: [gasp]

DM Murph: You see Uku stands up and he goes "Yeah, sure, buddy. You're my favorite." And he picks you up and starts throwing you like a baby again.

Tonathan: “Oh no” [vomit sounds]

Moonshine: Oh no, I think you've just sealed yourself into a terrible fate.

Hardwon: Tonathan has to take off his clothes.

Moonshine: [laughter]

DM Murph: So yeah, as Tonathan's being thrown like a baby you guys kind of comfort mutilated and depressed Beverly and that's where we will end our session.

Hardwon: Alright, Tonathan's getting scooped by his new family now.

Beverly: Ohh boy.

Moonshine: Poor Tonathan. Kid can't go anywhere without getting scooped.

Tonathan: I'm just a very- I've got a very scoopable face.

[laughter]

Beverly: It starts from the scoop, ends with a scoop.

DM Murph: Yeah, so thanks Nathan.

Beverly: Jesus.

Moonshine: Yeah!

Tonathan: This was so much fun! Thanks so much for having me on!

DM Murph: Thank you Nathan, so fun to have you.

Hardwon: Thanks for saving our lives a bunch of times, man.

Moonshine: Yeah, for real.

Tonathan: Oh, and back at ya. I'm glad I got to make Hardwon huge. That was what I was really excited for.

Hardwon: Yeah, it's a dream come true for both of us.

Beverly: It's gonna be fun when we don't have this enormous, beautiful safety net in Tonathan.

Hardwon: Can we keep the owl?

Beverly: [laughter]

DM Murph: Cool. So follow us on twitter, guys. @chmurph is me, @caldy is Caldwell, @eaxford is Emily, @Jake Hurwitz is Jake. What are you, Nathan?

Tonathan: I'm @AtNathanYaffe.

DM Murph: @AtNathanYaffe. Beautiful. And watch Drawfee. Anything else to plug, Nathan?

Tonathan: Ooh can I thank the people who on twitter suggested my name?

DM Murph: You sure as hell can do that.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Tonathan: Alright, I have to look that up.

DM Murph: Oh yeah, also Emily and I have our book out. It's actually only $8 on Amazon now. Hey U Up?: How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact. Satirical relationship advice book.

Moonshine: That's a steal!

DM Murph: We also have an audiobook out, so you can go on audible and you can hear us, you know, for a credit.

Moonshine: You can hear- yeah.

Tonathan: Okay I got it.

DM Murph: Cool.

Tonathan: I'd like to thank @aliasfakename17 for suggesting Tonathan and @rustweaver for suggesting Tinkle and just everyone else who suggested names. It was like two hundred people responded to that tweet so thank you all.

Hardwon: That's awesome.

DM Murph: Perfect. So thank you guys for listening. If you want to tweet about the show #NADDPod. N-A-D-D-P-O-D

All: [singing] We are we are, youth of the nation. We are we are- [fades out]