Dark Ritual

Can the almost-heroes (aka the "band of boobs") save the Green Teens before they're ritualistically sacrificed? ...Maybe! The party splits up to sneak into the keep and finds a creepy scene. Beverly lets Moonshine call the shots after a series of bad decisions and Hardwon finally climbs something successfully.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Intro] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This...is Not Another D&D Podcast.

[Play begins] Welcome back to the realm of Bahumia.

Hardwon and Beverly: [whisper] Bahumia.

Moonshine: [singsong] Bahumia... [spoken] Bahumia is showing us... a-

DM Murph: -has shown you no love.

Moonshine: No love.

Hardwon: Tough world out there.

DM Murph: I'm your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy. Here's Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell-

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: AKA Hardwon Surefoot. Caldwell Tanner, AKA Beverly Toegold V, and Emily Axford, AKA, Moonshine Cybin.

Moonshine: Actually, I'm Moonshine Cybin, AKA Emily Axford.

Hardwon: That's what's up.

Beverly: There it is, that's the correct order.

Moonshine: Right? [laughs]

Beverly: The adventure continues!

DM Murph: Yeah, so...last week, the gang fought some bullywugs at the bullywug camp.

Beverly: All troublemakers.

Moonshine: Band of Boobs, that's what we are.

DM Murph: You guys-

Hardwon: Band of Boobs is fucking cool.

Moonshine: Band of Boobs.

DM Murph: You guys are the Band of Boobs.

Beverly: Band of Boobs.

DM Murph: 'Bob'?

Moonshine: We are the Band of Boobs.

Beverly: Three true boobs.

DM Murph: Well, last week you guys started yourselves off in [high-pitched] arguably a worse situation than you're in now? Maybe? Maybe?

Hardwon: I hope so.

DM Murph: It seems to be escalating. So you guys were at the bullywug camp. You were face to face with the bullywugs, but you all rolled super well and were able to run off into the swamp, but then-

Moonshine: And then for the rest of the episode-

Hardwon: We're good at being cowards.

Moonshine: Yeah. We roll well when we make craven moves. [laughter]

DM Murph: So you craven bastards went and hid in the swamp, but were ambushed by some bullywugs; were able to kill three of them, and then you took one of them hostage and questioned him-

Hardwon: -arguably tortured him.

DM Murph: -arguably tortured him, you did kill him after he gave you guys the answers that you wanted.

Moonshine: But... we killed him with a deadly kiss, which is-

DM Murph: Which is pretty beautiful, in a way. What a way to go.

Moonshine: -pretty humane. In terms of public executions, I would want to see my criminals go that way...

Hardwon: That's how most people would want to go.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So, this bullywug told you guys that the bullywugs were going to trade the Green Teens to the kobolds for weapons. The next morning, you guys stealthed, and you saw this trade go down. You followed the kobolds into their half-sunken keep as they dragged the kids into there.

Moonshine: Their half-sunken keep being a castle that we considered squatting in.

Beverly: Yes, briefly.

Moonshine: Before we knew it was populated... by kobolds.

DM Murph: You guys almost went there at night and tried to sleep there and definitely would have been shot by crossbow bolts as you entered.

Hardwon: They see good at night too.

Beverly: Yeah. [sarcastically] Thank god we didn't do something stupid!

[All laugh]

DM Murph: So Moonshine stealthed in, saw that the kobolds were cutting up banquet tables and bringing them into the back of the castle.

Beverly: To make smaller tables.

DM Murph: As she tried to sneak back, the guards spotted her up in the guard towers and started shooting down at her-

Moonshine: Because I rolled like goddamn junk!

DM Murph: She rolled like junk. And she joined Beverly and Hardwon in the woods.

Hardwon: Rolled like a boob.

Moonshine: Rolled like a boob.

DM Murph: The Band of Boobs then went around the east side of the castle to case it. They saw that the southeast corner was a little bit more sunken, so Beverly cleverly- [Beverly laughs] tried cleverly at first, cleverly at first-

Moonshine: Beverly Cleverly, that's like his Suddenly Susan TV show.

Beverly: Yeah, that's my favorite young adult author.

Hardwon: Beverly Cleverly.

DM Murph: -So Beverly cleverly tried to swim into the keep, but on the way he was attacked by a crocodile. Beverly first tried to cartoon-style put a stick in his mouth so that he couldn't open it.

Moonshine: In his youthful exuberance, he just-

Hardwon: He wanted it in his mouth so he couldn't... close it?

Beverly: It's definitely something I saw in a Punch and Judy show as a kid, and really wanted to duplicate it.

Moonshine: Oh, like some puppeteers in the town square?

Beverly: No, my private puppeteers.

Hardwon: It's a funny move now that you think about it, because the last thing you'd want is for the croc's mouth to be open, like, exposing the razor sharp teeth-

DM Murph: Right.

Hardwon: You'd probably want it to be closed.

Beverly: Yeah. Well, no, I desperately want to steal its teeth, so... I wanted it open, of course.

Moonshine: You've got a thing for teeth, Bev.

Hardwon: [laughing] You're a sick fuck, but you're a good boy.

Moonshine: You know what it is, though? It's because he's got his own braces, so he's obsessed with other people’s nice smiles.

Beverly: I'm envious, yeah, that's true. What's up, I'm Beverly Toegold, I'm a sick fuck and a good boy.

DM Murph: So Beverly was able to grapple this crocodile. He started wrestling it and decided to pull it up to the surface, right under the castle, where he thrashed and wrestled this crocodile, attracting all of the guards, who then shot down on him.

Moonshine: It was a fascinating decision.

Beverly: Listen-

DM Murph: Beverly was then able to stab the crocodile and kill the crocodile, and then, in a brilliant performance, pretended to be eaten by the crocodile so that the guards would leave him alone.

Moonshine: That was a great move.

DM Murph: It was a great move

Beverly: Thank you. I'm a theater kid.

Hardwon: That was a great move. Unfortunately, it was too convincing.

Moonshine: It was too good.

DM Murph: It was too convincing. He got a 19, and I gave Hardwon and Moonshine advantage on their rolls, but they still failed their perception checks. They do think Beverly was just eaten by a crocodile. And so that is where we join our party.

Moonshine: Moonshine has run and dove into the water.

DM Murph: Okay. And Hardwon, what are you doing?

Hardwon: I'm going around to the other side of the castle.

DM Murph: Okay. So you're just letting this happen, you saw your buddy get eaten-

Hardwon: I'm like, she's got this-

DM Murph: She's got this...

Hardwon: That's gonna create a diversion-

DM Murph: So you're gonna keep-

Hardwon: -There's... Beverly needs to be saved, but the rest of these Green Teens are in danger too.

DM Murph: Great, okay. Hardwon starts to make his way around the outside. Beverly, meanwhile, what are you doing?

Beverly: I think before I abandon the gator I do, as I mentioned, wedge a tooth out to add to my collection.

DM Murph: Okay. You've got a gator tooth.

Beverly: Got a gator tooth now.

Hardwon: That's tres teeth now?

Beverly: Tres teeth, yeah.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Wait, which teeth do you have?

Beverly: I have a snake fang, a chipped bullywug tooth, and a-

Moonshine: It's so sad to see it in a chipped form because it doesn't represent their perfect... like...

Beverly: Their lustrous-

Moonshine: - Tom Cruise smiles.

Hardwon: [laughter] The one center tooth.

DM Murph: Their million dollar smiles.

Hardwon: That's bullywugs... Tom Cruise's perfect center tooth is every bullywug tooth.

[laughter]

Beverly: I think they have, like, a slight iridescence to them, almost. They're like a pearl.

Hardwon: Nice. The moonstone in Moonstone Bay is actually a bullywug's tooth.

Beverly: So yeah, now I've got a croc tooth. I think I probably head towards-

DM Murph: I'll say as you're trying to pull this tooth, Moonshine is already making her way underwater. Moonshine, why don't you go ahead and give a perception check to see if you can find Bev.

Moonshine: Okay, I would just like to quick say that before I dove in, I took as big a gulp of air as I could, because I'm thinking I'm gonna need to administer it to this... youth, this child.

Hardwon: This youth.

Moonshine: It's gonna be a 21.

Beverly: Oooh!

DM Murph: Okay. Yes. You travel through the murky water. You're able to kind of-

Moonshine: I'm at home in the murk.

DM Murph: You're at home in the murk. You love the murk, you live in the murk.

Moonshine: It doesn't even impair my vision.

Beverly: [doing an impression of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises] “I was born in the murk.”

Moonshine: [laughs, doing same impression] “I was born in the murk.”

Hardwon: I slept in the crick bed.

DM Murph: So, luckily, Beverly is making quite a big commotion under the water, trying to wrestle this gator’s tooth out.

Moonshine: And I understand that Beverly's okay?

DM Murph: Well, you just see him struggling.

Moonshine: So I think the gator’s-

DM Murph: You might think the gator is-

Moonshine: -I attack the gator.

DM Murph: Okay. You go stab the gator.

DM Murph: Beverly, what do you do as... Moonshine just starts whacking at the gator with her scimitar, just stabbing it?

Beverly: I'm probably shocked, sure... but I'm not giving up on this tooth. [DM Murph laughs]

Hardwon: The tooth is the priority here.

Beverly: I guess I probably like-

DM Murph: You get the tooth out, you get the tooth out.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Well, since I do have, as previously established, excellent acting skills, I pantomime that I'm okay. And then I grab with my-

DM Murph: Okay, great.

Hardwon: [laughing] Which you don't need excellent skills for, you just... it's a hand gesture.

DM Murph: Yeah, it's just a hand gesture. Just give her a thumbs up.

Beverly: I give her a thumbs up.

Hardwon: It doesn't have to be a one man show.

Beverly: The thumbs up conveys so much more, though. I do that, I get the tooth, I grab her by the hand and lead her towards the nearest window that I can see.

Moonshine: Real quick then, after I see his thumbs up and I realize the gator is dead, I do one of those- I close his eyes respectfully.

[all laugh]

Hardwon: Gators are respected at the crick.

Moonshine: You know, where I come from, they're like taxi drivers. You hop on a gator to get from one side of the crick to the next.

Beverly: [imitating a Crick Elf accent] "We call 'em log fathers."

DM Murph: Moonshine-

Moonshine: “Yeah, you gotta tip 'em in, uh, in bird eggs. Bring a handful of robin's eggs.”

DM Murph: Moonshine closes his eyes. You hear a spirit say [in weak, wavering voice] "Thank yooou," as he sinks to the bottom.

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora... show this gator a beautiful reincarnation.”

Beverly: That gator's eatin' boys in heaven.

Hardwon: May he come back as a crocodile.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Alright, so you guys are underwater.

Beverly: I'm probably running out of air, so I'm gonna like-

Moonshine: You can borrow some from my mouth.

DM Murph: No, the whole fight just takes a couple seconds. You can hold- I believe you can hold your breath for a number of minutes equal to your constitution modifier.

Beverly: Oh, wow. Okay.

DM Murph: You guys can still hold your breath-

Moonshine: So let’s kind of swim over towards-

DM Murph: You want to swim to the wall?

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah, we want to swim to the wall.

DM Murph: Okay. Go ahead and do an investigate check to kind of feel along the wall.

Moonshine: That's gonna be a 14.

Beverly: Yeah, you've got crick eyes. I got a 3.

DM Murph: You got a 3. Okay. Moonshine, as you're feeling around, you see that there is a hole in the wall and you would be able to swim under, into the castle.

Beverly: Cool.

Moonshine: Okay. I grab Beverly by the wrist, like he's some unruly little Crick child, and I just drag him under.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: [laughing] I submit.

DM Murph: Beverly, dragged like a dead doll-

Moonshine: Wait, is Paw Paw... what's going on with Paw Paw at this point?

DM Murph: Paw Paw is just holding his breath.

Moonshine: Okay, cool. If he's running out of breath, I have some of that breath that I had saved for Beverly, so I can administer that.

DM Murph: So you start giving him mouth to mouth, Water World style?

Hardwon: So you have kissed, how many? Two bullywugs and your opossum.

Moonshine: [laughing] Yeah, but this is a good kiss. This is a kiss of life, not decay.

DM Murph: Beverly, you're holding Moonshine's hand as you swim together under this wall, and Moonshine begins giving mouth to mouth- well, it looks like she's just making out with Paw Paw, as she puts her entire mouth over his face.

Beverly: I think I probably... start to barf.

DM Murph: Beverly just starts barfing, but it just like-

Moonshine: But it's like the same color as the muck.

DM Murph: -it's just a cloud of brown that surrounds you guys.

Hardwon: This is the place to do it.

Moonshine: Wait, what did you eat last night when we were camping?

Beverly: Ritz Bits?

DM Murph: Just... orange and brown vomit fills the water around you.

Hardwon: Man, you have a bad diet.

DM Murph: Even murkier than before. Okay. You guys swim up, and you guys are now in this flooded room. You see that you're in the middle of this long flooded hallway. When you turn to your left, you can see the southeast guard tower, the lower one that the winged kobolds were in. And then, down the hall to your right, there is no roof, but it does go up to the second floor.

Beverly: Could we get to it?

DM Murph: You could climb the rocks.

Beverly: So, to the left is the guard tower with the winged kobolds? Have they roosted? Can we see?

DM Murph: You can do-

Moonshine: Yeah, can we do a perception check for roosting kobolds?

[All laugh]

DM Murph: You can do a perception check, it'd probably be tough.

Beverly: Oh, I hear them in the distance, they're like, "I gotta frickin roost."

Moonshine: I did get, just so you know, I did get a 21.

Beverly: Oooh!

DM Murph: Perception check?

Moonshine: On my perception check.

Beverly: I got another 3!

DM Murph: Okay. They're not being super stealthy, and you guys know they were shooting at Beverly from the tower. So they have roosted, they are up in the tower.

Beverly: Okay, cool. I think maybe I turn to you and say like [softly], "We gotta take care of those in the towers, so that Hardwon will be safe."

Moonshine: "That is a good call, I like that."

DM Murph: That is in the opposite direction that Hardwon is going.

Beverly: Oh, okay.

Moonshine: But those-

DM Murph: Hardwon is going towards the back of the castle.

Moonshine: But those little.... flying mother fuckers, those winged ones, I'd love to take them out.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Although, the second we attack them they're just gonna fly away.

Beverly: Oh, well, we're gonna have to be-

DM Murph: Well no, they'll have to roll initiative. It'll be a fight.

Beverly: Yeah. We'll have to do our favorite thing, which is stealth.

Moonshine: I- but I think it'd be nicer to meet up with Hardwon.

Beverly: Hmmm. Uh, okay. [whispered] "I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately, so I'm gonna let you take charge."

Hardwon: [mimicking Beverly] 'I already have this tooth!'

Moonshine: Okay. So to the right of us is the... but we'd have to climb to get up there.

DM Murph: Yes, you would need to climb to get up to the second floor.

Moonshine: Fuck, dude, though? You know those guys, they are surveying the grounds, and once we're inside the castle, if they're surveying the grounds, they're almost a non-issue.

Beverly: Yeah, but wait... the keep was open air, though, they could see us from above, right?

DM Murph: The keep is open air. The towers, they're probably going to be looking out, though. What you need to worry about climbing up is somebody on the first floor possibly seeing you. If you guys are careful, you could probably peek your heads out and see what you're looking for.

Beverly: I mean, we're going full Metal Gear Solid at this point.

Moonshine: So I think that we're focusing on the castle, and those winged guys are more surrounding areas, so let's go to...

Hardwon: You've penetrated the castle at this point.

Moonshine: We've penetrated the castle and let's just get deeper.

Beverly: So we should head for the second floor? What are we-

Hardwon: Fertility’s coming back now.

Moonshine: [laughter] Oh sorry, I don't know where that came from. Where's the moon at?

DM Murph: Hardwon is making his way around back right now, and you guys, if you were to climb up this wall, you would also be heading to the back side of the castle.

Moonshine: Okay, we're doing that.

Beverly: So we'd be able to meet up with him there?

DM Murph: Perhaps, I dunno. Depends on what Hardwon does.

Moonshine: I think we're doing that.

Beverly: Great, all right, we'll do that.

DM Murph: Cool. So you guys are gonna start to climb?

Moonshine and Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You guys start to climb the wall. Cut to:

Beverly: Meanwhile!

Moonshine: Oooooooh!

DM Murph: Hardwon Surefoot.

Moonshine: All on his own.

Hardwon: Thick of beard, quad, and calf.

Moonshine: Scout master.

Hardwon: Scout master. The twice killed.

Moonshine: The twice killed! [laughs]

Beverly: Snake ender.

DM Murph: Hardwon, you sneak around-

Moonshine: Beheader of snakes.

DM Murph: - the back, and-

Beverly: Befriender of child.

DM Murph: and much like the front-

Hardwon: Enemy of the bullywugs.

DM Murph: There are two guard towers.

Hardwon: Alright, around back, I see two guard towers.

DM Murph: You see two guard towers, and you can see that the second floor is still there on the left side, and it is gone on the right side. So the wall goes higher on the left side, but the guard towers are still intact.

Hardwon: On both sides?

DM Murph: On both sides. Do you want to do a perception check, see if you see any kobolds in the-

Beverly: So he would still, if he wanted to get to the second floor, he'd still have to like... climb up a tower, right?

DM Murph: He could... yeah, he'd have to climb.

Moonshine: I mean, I've heard him say before, he's great at climbing.

[Beverly and Moonshine laugh]

Hardwon: I...was born in the mountain.

Beverly: [skeptically] I've heard him say this, it's true.

Hardwon: He does talk a lot.

Moonshine: He's climbed with... with the dwarven rams.

Beverly: [still skeptically] He does love making claims.

Hardwon: That's a 16.

DM Murph: 16 perception, great.

Beverly: Pretty good, yeah.

DM Murph: Great. You're able to see in the guard tower to your left, you see some movement up there. You see that there are a couple kobolds up there. And to your right on the other side, you see a couple kobolds up there, too.

Hardwon: Great.

Beverly: Kobolds all around.

Moonshine: Kobolds to the left, [Beverly joins in, saying in unison] kobolds to right.

Beverly: [singsong] Everybody knows we're gonna get into a fight. [Moonshine laughs]

DM Murph: And the keep, the keep is surrounded by water in a bit of a clearing. So right now, you're in the trees. You can kind of do what they did and swim under if you would like. It's up to you. You know that these guys have sunlight sensitivity, it's kind of tough for them to see, but if you splash around or roll, like a 2-

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: You will be seen.

Hardwon: Got it. I'm gonna, I guess I'm gonna try to go in.

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: Great. So what are you- are you gonna try to climb, or what do you try to do?

Hardwon: Yeah, you know what? I'm not a- I'm not a swimmer. I'm a huge dude.

Beverly: Probably not. [Moonshine laughs]

DM Murph: Okay, are you gonna try to climb then... over into the first floor, or are you gonna try to climb the guard towers, or are you gonna try to go to the second floor?

Hardwon: I'm gonna try to climb into the first floor. Path of least resistance.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: I'm just trying to get inside.

DM Murph: So you're going to the right?

Hardwon: You don't have to be a hero, you know? [Beverly and Moonshine laugh]

DM Murph: So you jump into the water. I'm gonna give you... roll a stealth roll, but you have- unless you're splashing around a ton, you're gonna be fine.

Hardwon: Uhhh, that's an 11.

DM Murph: Cool, you're fine.

Beverly: You splash around a little bit.

[all laugh]

DM Murph: You splash around just a little bit, but-

Moonshine: Just enough to have fun.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: I'm sort of turning this into a half bath, just splashin’ in the swamp a lot.

Moonshine: Just enough- [laughs]

DM Murph: These guys do not see you.

Beverly: Hardwon deploys a bath bomb.

DM Murph: Hardwon takes a big breath, goes underwater. You swim until you meet the stone wall of the castle.

Beverly: Ah, stone wall! The ancient golem! [Moonshine laughs]

DM Murph: So you are now up against the castle wall.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: You have a guard tower to your right that you’re right next to, because that's where the first floor wall is, and then the guard tower to your left is further away, and that's where the second floor is.

Beverly: Is he closer to the kitchen, or the media room?

DM Murph: He is closer to the rumpus room, actually.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Hardwon: The rumpus room.

Moonshine: What the heck is a rumpus room?

DM Murph: It's uhh.. it's a play room?

Beverly: It's where you keep, like, your board games.

Moonshine: Wooooaaah... Murph, we gotta get a rumpus room!

Hardwon: So I'm just g- can I just try to climb the wall that I'm closest to, without trying to climb one of the towers?

DM Murph: Yes, here's what I'll let you do. Make an athletics check, and if you succeed wildly, I'll say that you climbed so smoothly that... that counts as your stealth check. [Beverly and Moonshine both react with 'oohs' and 'aahs']. But if you don't get a good climb check, I'm gonna make you roll a stealth check. Okay?

Hardwon: Okay. I think I understand.

Beverly: I want to see that smooth-

DM Murph: You should fucking succeed.

Beverly: Yeah. I want to see that smooth climb.

Moonshine: Uh, I don't think that's a d20.

Hardwon: It's...not.

[all laugh]

DM Murph: Definitely, definitely roll a d20.

Hardwon: I swear, I think I've been rolling that the whole day- the last few weeks. [Moonshine laughs]

Beverly: 'Dang, I keep getting twelves!'

Hardwon: That's a 20.

Moonshine and Beverly: Ooooh!

Hardwon: That's a 20.

DM Murph: So you, Catherine Zeta Jones style-

Hardwon: [laughs] That's right.

Moonshine: Yeaaah, baby!

Beverly: Just, just double Zeta.

Hardwon: Very pleathery.

Moonshine: Your back is so arched.

DM Murph: Your back is so arched. You're able to climb up the rock wall-

Moonshine: The steadiest of feet.

Hardwon: This is what I've been fucking waiting for, man. This is why I started playing.

Beverly: Look at this, from fuckin’, from beta to Zeta!

[all laugh, scattered clapping]

Hardwon: Just like that.

DM Murph: You get up, and you peek over this wall. You can see to the left of you, there's a chapel. You're basically eye level with the second floor now, over this wall.

Beverly: [whispered] Yes, get the [xx]

DM Murph: So you see, to the left of you-

Hardwon: Beverly is so jealous.

DM Murph: -there's a chapel. You see that there's an altar.

Moonshine: Do we know who it's a chapel to?

Beverly: Would Hardwon?

DM Murph: I'll tell you whether you know it or not. You see an altar in the center of the room, and you can't really see along the wall, so you can't see what's back there, but you do see that kobolds are setting up tables near the altar.

Moonshine: Oh lord, this is a gol-dang ritual sacrifice.

Beverly: Oh boy.

DM Murph: You see that they're setting up a couple tables near the altar, you also see that the-

Hardwon: Uh huh. This is the sacrifice they were talking about, the bully- okay.

Moonshine: [prolonged inhale, then exasperated] Ooyyy.

DM Murph: You also see that they’re building a pyre [Moonshine gasps loudly] in front of the altar.

Beverly: [crosstalk] Are they putting... oh, okay.

Moonshine: Ohhhh, that's what they were chopping up all those...

Hardwon: Hardwon is like, “Uh, this all looks fine.” [Beverly laughs]

Beverly: Are they putting, are they-

DM Murph: You see below you, it looks to be the kobold's, like... sleeping area. You see pelts everywhere. [Beverly makes an 'aww' sound] You see some barrels along the walls and stuff, and you also see a ladder going up to this room on the second floor, you can see that there are kobolds working together to carry things up the ladder as they prepare. You see the leader robed dude is kind of yelling at guys in kobold.

Beverly: Are they singing little kobold songs?

DM Murph: Yeah, they're singing [singsong, to the tune of "Heigh-Ho" from Disney's Snow White] "Ko-bold, ko-bold, we're gonna sacrifice some kids!" [all laugh]

DM Murph: [continuing the tune] “Dah da da da dah, dah da da da dah, ko-bold!”

Moonshine: Okaay... Moonshine has not seen this yet, but Moonshine was feeling sympathetic to the bullywugs, and, in fact, would consider dealing arms to them in the future, [all laugh] but Kobolds? Written off.

Beverly: Yeah, they dirty, and they gonna-

Moonshine: Moonshine's ready to just like, murder.

Beverly: They gon' get it.

Moonshine: But not that she's seen this yet.

DM Murph: So, we're gonna leave Hardwon Surefoot hanging off the side of the castle-

Hardwon: Taking it all in.

DM Murph: Peeking over. You see so much activity.

Hardwon: Great. Do I- and I don't see Beverly and Moonshine?

DM Murph: You do not see Beverly and Moonshine, because Beverly and Moonshine are on the other side of this chapel. They are trying to climb the wall to get onto the second floor.

Beverly: Right. Oh, we do see the chapel, though?

DM Murph: You guys don't see it yet.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: No, because we haven't climbed it yet.

DM Murph: You guys are on the first floor. You guys are climbing the wall.

Beverly: Ah, I getcha.

Moonshine: Okay so, yea, I would like to climb that wall.

Beverly: All right. Athletics check?

DM Murph: Yep. Everybody give me an athletics check, I'll do the same thing as I did for Hardwon, which is, if you guys succeed wildly, you won't have to do a stealth.

Moonshine: Does a, uh... ahem...

Beverly: Oh, Emily, look!

Moonshine: Does a...5 count as succeeding wildly?

Beverly: We both got... [laughs] I got a 7, but we did both roll 2s. 5 and a 7.

Moonshine: I got a 5.

DM Murph: Jesus.

Beverly: Uh huh.

DM Murph: You guys start to climb up, and-

Moonshine: Yeah, and it's so easy.

DM Murph: You see to your-

Beverly: -can I give you a little, a little sample?

DM Murph: Go ahead.

Beverly: [loud, pained noise] “UuAaHhhhhHH!”

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys are groaning, you're real-

Beverly: [continues noise, Moonshine joins in]

DM Murph: -this has been, this has been a tough day.

Hardwon: We only had half a night's sleep. [Moonshine laughs]

DM Murph: So you guys are climbing up, you start to slip, and you make some noise. Some rocks break off the wall, and you see, to your left, Moonshine, this is the main room that you were in before, this mess hall that the kobolds are carrying tables through. You guys can also see this sleeping area as you're making your way up to the chapel.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: And you guys are gonna give me stealth checks. Aaand I'm gonna do perception checks.

Beverly: Let’s let sleeping lizards lie.

Moonshine: Ooyy, I'm gettin’ bad rolls! I got a 7.

Beverly: Stealth check, you said?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: I got a 15.

DM Murph: Okay. These guys rolled at disadvantage because they have sunlight sensitivity, and they rolled a 1. [Moonshine and Hardwon gasp excitedly]

Moonshine: Yess, little bitches! I'm glad we came for you and not the bullywugs. [Beverly laughs] I love the bullywugs, I'm gonna deal 'em arms.

Hardwon: You gotta respect the bullywugs.

Moonshine: Respect the bullywugs!

Hardwon: A rich history of family and tradition. [all laugh]

Moonshine: Family, tradition, beautiful smiles.

DM Murph: You did see them-

Hardwon: [crosstalk] Perfect dental health.

DM Murph: They did have that crick bullywug... on a leash, though.

Moonshine: Oh fuck, I forgot about that.

Beverly: Yeah, it's true.

Hardwon: And they did kidnap the kids.

DM Murph: [laughs] Let's not forget who kidnapped the kids.

Moonshine: [crosstalk] Yeah, uhh...

Beverly: [crosstalk] No, we don't know, maybe that-

Hardwon: [crosstalk] They kidnapped the kids! And traded them for crossbows. [Moonshine laughs]

Beverly: Maybe that... maybe that crick bullywug was a criminal...and was being taken to execution!

Moonshine: I mean, they get into trouble 'round where I'm from...okay.

Beverly: Murph- so the ones that we almost awoke. Uh, they're below us, but where are they below us?

DM Murph: You guys are basically- think of it as being divided into four parts. So in the bottom left corner is this mess hall where they were breaking the tables. In the bottom right corner is the flooded room that you guys were just in.

Beverly: Gotcha.

DM Murph: You guys are climbing up to the second floor in the back right, that's where this chapel is that Hardwon saw. And then in the back left is the sleeping area, where these guys have a ladder up to the second floor, and are carrying stuff up. So you guys make it to the top-

Moonshine: Yeah, we make it to the top. Yeah, we keep climbin'. We got that lucky stealth roll.

DM Murph: You guys peek over. Hardwon, go ahead and do a perception check to see if you see those guys. And you guys, give me perception checks as well.

Hardwon: Uh, 11.

Moonshine: 19.

Beverly: Uhh, I got a... 15.

Moonshine: I do... I do a faint nose whistle, [pauses, Hardwon laughs] which you recognize as my call for PawPaw. It's so high pitched, so faint.

DM Murph: Are you... are you really doing a nose whistle right now?

Moonshine: It's so... it's so fa-

DM Murph: Nope, you gotta do a performance check if you're gonna do a nose whistle right now.

Beverly: [laughs] Don't do it.

Moonshine: Okay, I'm not gonna do it. It feels cowardly to back away from a move!

Hardwon: The challenge... but you gotta think of the Green Teens.

Moonshine: I know, I know.

DM Murph: Okay, Moonshine sees Hardwon, but Hardwon is hard at work, just lookin' around at everything. From your angle-

Moonshine: I admire his climbing, I'm like, "Ahh, that's the good climbin' he's been talkin' 'bout."

Beverly: "Look at those delts."

Hardwon: "Thank you guys, I didn't get to show you in the swamp, but I improved.”

DM Murph: Yeah, it's that weird thing where a couple of you can see your friend, he's at a coffee shop or something, but he doesn't know you're there. [Beverly laughs] That's sort of the situation that's going on.

Moonshine: Does Hardwon, like-

Hardwon: I feel like the only time Hardwon succeeds is when no one...when people are watching him, he tries, really, way too hard.

Moonshine: Does Hardwon like, pick his nose or anything?

DM Murph: Yeah, he's picking his nose. Somehow even though he's climbing and he's only peeking over, you see him pick his ass. [Moonshine and Hardwon laugh]

Hardwon: So he's dangling with one arm, which is cool, but with his left hand, he's picking his ass.

DM Murph: Yeah. And you see him eating boogers and picking his nose.

Moonshine: "Oh, lord. I'ma pray to Melora for him."

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys can now see into this chapel. You see that there's an altar in the center of the room. You see a banner that has been-

Hardwon: It says 'Jamboreen'.

Moonshine: It says, 'Welcome to the sacrifice!'

Beverly: Are they putting out Krispy Kreme donuts on the tables?

DM Murph: There are-

Beverly: 'Cause this could just be an after-church service.

DM Murph: It has clearly been catered by Tim Horton's.

[laughter]

Beverly: Damn it!

Moonshine: Oh, Moonshine's stomach rumbles. Oh, bad timin', but...

DM Murph: These kobolds are Canadian.

Beverly: Good to know.

Hardwon: The worst kind of kobold.

DM Murph: So you guys see these banners with dragon hieroglyphics drawn on them. It looks like maybe they were to a different god. You guys can do a history check if you want to see if you can determine who it is.

Beverly: Yeah, that's a good idea. [dice rolling] I got a 13.

DM Murph: Okay. You see the-

Moonshine: I got a 3.

Hardwon: Same.

DM Murph: You see the three triangles in a tight formation. This was, at one point, a shrine to Asmodeus, who is the devil.

Beverly: Huh.

Moonshine: Okay, but since I rolled a 3, what do I think it is?

DM Murph: You think it is the Illuminati, and that all of the U.S. presidents are down there.

Moonshine: “It makes so much sense...”

Beverly: Emily thinks it is the dark lord Tim Horton himself.

Moonshine: [gasp] "Tim Horton's behind this! I knew that's why I never drank his- that’s why I never drank his dark mud."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "The scourge of Bahumia..."

DM Murph: [laughter] She calls coffee 'dark mud'...

Hardwon: "I only drink Crick water."

Beverly: So, then, I know that, uh-

Moonshine: There's so much caffeine in Crick water. It's like three Red Bulls' worth.

DM Murph: So you guys also see that besides this banner-

Hardwon: It's a Four Loko.

DM Murph: Besides this banner, you guys also see that there's a big stained glass window.

Moonshine: Gorgeous.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: And it's amazing that it is still preserved, but it's perfect, and you see an image of a dark sorcerer, glowing with black and purple.

Moonshine: "Oh, fuck yeah!"

DM Murph: Uh, you see-

Beverly: "No, that's not cool!"

DM Murph: You see the wall-

Moonshine: "We need to-" I'm already drafting a petition to have this historically preserved.

DM Murph: You see that there is no wall to the left at all, that it just goes down to the first floor, 'cause you see these kobolds coming up the ladder. You see, in the back right corner, is this other guard tower, and you see about ten kobolds in this room, readying it. You see the altar, you see a pyre, you see three tables being set up. Three small tables. And there are about ten kobolds in there.

Beverly: Now, Osmodius was the sorcerer that-

DM Murph: The devil-god that was killed.

Beverly: That was killed by Thiala and the others.

DM Murph: Yep.

Beverly: Okay. I'm a big fan of Thiala, 'cause they were a cleric of Pelor. So, like, I've probably got a tapestry of them up in my bedroom, for sure.

DM Murph: Yeah, you definitely have a poster of them.

Hardwon: Who was the dwarf?

DM Murph: Ulfgar.

Hardwon: Ulfgar. Yeah. I'm a big Ulfgar fan.

Beverly: Yeah. He could be- well. I mean, he wouldn't be your dad, but you wish he was your dad.

Hardwon: Yeah, I don't know my father.

Moonshine: Oh, maybe he is!

Hardwon: Bastard of the mountain. It could've been him. I could have some dwarf blood in me after all.

Beverly: I have a pretty good idea-

DM Murph: You ARE only three feet tall. Which is not brought up a lot.

[laughter]

Hardwon: How dare you!

Beverly: I have a pretty good idea about what, maybe, this sacrifice is intended to do.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: We can't let it happen, I know that much.

Moonshine: Yeah, I think that we gotta kind of plan what our attack is here.

DM Murph: Hardwon, give me another perception check to see if you see those guys yet.

Hardwon: You got it. [dice rolling] That's a 17.

Beverly: Woo!

Moonshine: Wooooo!

DM Murph: Okay. You clock them, across the...so you guys can communicate silently.

Moonshine: I throw him a thumbs up, but awkwardly, like I've never done it before, I've just learned it from Beverly.

Beverly: I do the biggest wave.

Hardwon: I do the point to my eyes and then to them, but it's the same hand that was picking my ass.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Oh, no. You gotta clean that thing before you do anything with it.

DM Murph: You definitely have pinkeye. Roll constitution.

Hardwon: Hardwon instantly develops a sty.

Beverly: Wait, no, shit, make him do that.

Hardwon: Roll for sty.

Beverly: I feel like I'm gonna turn to Moonshine and be like, [whispered] "What should we do? Should we attack? Should we try and meet up?"

Moonshine: [whispered] "I think we should attack."

Beverly: [whispered] "Okay." I have a plan. [whispered] "I have a plan." I say that again to her.

Moonshine: "Speak to me."

Beverly: All right. [whispered] "I say that we knock out the ladder."

Hardwon: Gotta pry one of their mouths open with this here broken spear.

[laughter]

Beverly: [whispered] "Let's knock out the ladder, so more can't climb up."

Moonshine: "That's a great call."

Beverly: [whispered] "That's the extent of my plan."

Moonshine: "That's a great call. Do- I can do it right now."

Beverly: [whispered] "Okay, I'm gonna do it!"

Hardwon: That’s smart, though. Trap 'em in the tower.

Moonshine: I would like to do something while he does that.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Before I do anything, can I get a look inside these teeth? What kind of teeth do kobolds got?

Hardwon: He's very curious about teeth.

DM Murph: They've got little sharp teeth.

Beverly: Okay, little sharp teeth.

DM Murph: Li'l sharpies.

Beverly: That's doing very little for me. All right. I am gonna kick down the ladder, though.

DM Murph: Okay. So then, you are gonna need to climb up onto the second floor, and you're gonna need to give me a stealth roll.

Beverly: Okay. So I'm gonna still try and-

DM Murph: You guys are gonna lose your surprise round if you get caught. Everyone's just gonna have to roll initiative.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Yeah, I think we stealth for as long as we can.

Moonshine: Do you want- wait. Oh, no, I don't have stealth advantage right now.

Beverly: That's okay. Yeah, we're no longer in a bog.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Here we go, I'm gonna roll. [dice rolling] That's, like, the fourth 3 I've gotten.

Hardwon: Insane.

Moonshine: Oh, lord.

Hardwon: That's a way to die.

Beverly: Uh, but with my +2 stealth...still bad.

DM Murph: Got it. Okay. So, Beverly starts to crawl across the floor to get there, and he is stepped on by a kobold, who then calls out to the rest of his buddies. Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: Okay. [laughter]

Moonshine: Okay, okay! [dice rolling]

Beverly: "Sorry!"

Moonshine: Ooh, baby, I'm lookin' at a 21!

Beverly: 13.

Hardwon: I had a 22, and it took me that long to do the math.

Moonshine: Oooh, 22! Okay, we're startin' off with good initiative.

Beverly: I know that I rolled bad stealth, but I don't think that I would, like, get stepped on.

DM Murph: I just said that for comedy- would you rather it- you make a tiny sound. The kobolds are alerted, and they attack you.

Beverly: All right. No, it was funnier before, you're right.

DM Murph: Thank you.

Beverly: I'm sorry.

DM Murph: All right, mister stick a stick in a fucking alligator's mouth. So, Hardwon, you are on the opposite side of this room, hanging over the wall. Nobody has seen you yet.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: But it is your turn. You get to act first. You see in this room below you, on the first floor, there are about five or six guys. There's a guy on the ladder, and then up in this chapel area, there are ten kobolds, one sorcerer.

Hardwon: Cool. Can I kick the ladder below me, so the bullywug below me can't get up?

DM Murph: So...yeah. So you'd climb up, and then you could kick it off, and that would be your action.

Hardwon: Great. I'm gonna try to eliminate- or, keep as many people away from...

DM Murph: Cool. So get up there and then roll me a strength check, just to push the ladder over.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] That's an 18. Do I do a- plus my strength?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Ooh!

Moonshine: Ooh! [whistles approvingly] That was a nose whistle, for the listeners.

Hardwon: [trying to do math] Which is, of course...

DM Murph: You're fine, you're just pushing a fucking ladder.

Hardwon: Right. 22, though.

DM Murph: So you come up. You see that the ladder is tied to the wall, you chop it with your axe.

Moonshine: You push it off way harder than you need to.

DM Murph: Kick it over as the kobolds-

Hardwon: It hits the other side of the castle. All you needed to do was push it.

DM Murph: That is Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay. I would like to- so this pyre that they're building, that's on the second floor, right?

DM Murph: You guys are all in this chapel, yeah.

Hardwon: Let's go!

Moonshine: Right, right, but I'm saying-

DM Murph: Don't worry about floors now. You're all in the chapel.

Moonshine: So, okay, but are there kobolds gathered around the pyre?

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: So I would like to do Thunder Wave, and I would like to, hopefully- 'cause I push them ten feet away from me, I would like to push them into the-

DM Murph: The pyre's not burning yet.

Moonshine: I know, but I'd like to push people onto the pyre, so it scatters the pyre.

DM Murph: So...you would be doing a Thunder Wave up by the altar and the pyre. You see this sorcerer and three of the kobolds are up there working on it, so you can hit those four with the Thunder Wave, if you'd like to try that.

Moonshine: Okay. That's what I'm gonna do.

DM Murph: And there are two guys at each table. So ten total.

Moonshine: So...they have to do a Constitution saving throw, and they gotta beat my...13.

DM Murph: These guys got a 9, so they failed. The sorcerer passed.

Moonshine: Okay, but some of them got hurt?

[Where editing stopped: 33:00]

DM Murph: Sure. Yeah.

Moonshine: Wait, 'sure'?

DM Murph: Yes. They did.

Moonshine: Okay. I need some, you know, definitiveness.

Hardwon: Some positivity.

Moonshine: So, it is, uh...it is a...

DM Murph: Two d8s.

Moonshine: 2d8! Okay.

Beverly: Murph, how do we know what the sorcerer is?

Hardwon: He's the only one in clothes.

DM Murph: He's wearing a robe.

Beverly: Okay, so it is the leader as well.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: All right, cool.

Moonshine: [dice rolling] Okay, so they take 7 damage and get pushed ten feet, and scatter the pyre.

DM Murph: You fucking toast three of those kobolds.

Hardwon: Oh, they're easy as fuck to kill!

DM Murph: One shot. And...

Beverly: Why were we so worried?

DM Murph: But this sorcerer only takes half. He is very much still alive.

Beverly: Ah, okay.

Moonshine: Okay, so we should target him.

Hardwon: Yeah, the sorcerer's the-

DM Murph: You guys did kill three of them. Then that is going to be the sorcerer's turn.

Moonshine: My thunder!

DM Murph: The sorcerer is going to cast Scorching Ray.

Beverly: Sounds dumb.

DM Murph: You see him-

Moonshine: Sounds weak. Cowardly.

Beverly: Seems boring.

DM Murph: You see him shoot a beam of white-hot flame at Moonshine.

Beverly: Just fight me with your hands.

Moonshine: Coward.

DM Murph: No, you know what? At Paw Paw.

Beverly: No!

DM Murph: Just kidding. Just kidding.

Moonshine: I was about to, like...

DM Murph: I know. You were about to walk off.

Moonshine: -Fucking drop the mic, and just, like, drive home.

Hardwon: Which is hard, 'cause it's on a stand.

DM Murph: Just dive over the table and tackle me.

Moonshine: Oh, and I'd have to wrestle it out of the stand, and then slam it.

Hardwon: You would have to unplug it, unscrew it. It would take you a full minute to drop the mic.

Beverly: It'd be a very thorough protest.

Moonshine: Considering how my eyes would be bleary with tears, it would take me even longer.

Beverly: Emily would actually enter Symbiotic Form.

DM Murph: Oh, he actually gets to shoot three rays of fire, so he is going to shoot all three at Moonshine. Or, you know what, he'll take it one by one.

Beverly: Goodness gracious.

Moonshine: Y'all, I might drop, depending on-

DM Murph: So he shoots...

Moonshine: Do these automatically hit me?

DM Murph: No. +4 to hit...and he does hit. He gets a 17 on these ones.

Moonshine: [groans in dismay]

DM Murph: So for the first one, you are going to take [dice rolling] 5 damage.

Moonshine: Guys, I'm gonna go down.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: He shoots a second beam, at disadvantage, because they haven't surrounded you guys yet. [dice rolling] 2 and a 3. He's gonna miss that one. And...the third one...

Hardwon: C'mon, miss, miss, miss!

Beverly: C'mon! Be a dude!

DM Murph: [dice rolling] He is going to...nope. That's only a 9. Okay. So, he misses the last one.

Moonshine: [groans in relief] Thank Melora!

DM Murph: So that is...Beverly. Bev, you are near Moonshine. You are closer to the six guys that are at the tables.

Beverly: Okay. All six of 'em.

DM Murph: All six of 'em.

Beverly: This would be a much more fun encounter if any of us had any spells. So I guess I'm just gonna...

Moonshine: I have spells.

Beverly: You got spells, 'cause you got your elf sleep, but I got nothing. So I'm just gonna go slash, I guess.

DM Murph: Great. Cool. Slashy-slash at 'em, dude.

Moonshine: Oh, my man, you're a powerful good boy.

Beverly: Yeah. [dice rolling]

Hardwon: Get their teeth.

Moonshine: Get their teeth. "Get those teeth!"

Beverly: "Your teeth are mine!" I scream. That's a 12.

DM Murph: That does hit.

Beverly: Nice!

DM Murph: Great. Roll your damage.

Beverly: All right, cool.

Moonshine: I'm so glad we came after the kobolds and not the bullywugs. They were stronger.

Hardwon: Yeah. And they were kind.

Beverly: [dice rolling] That's a 10.

DM Murph: [laughing incredulously] They weren't kind!

Moonshine: They were! They were family focused.

Beverly: They were kind to each other!

Hardwon: They liked music, they respected their elders...they were together at birthday parties...

DM Murph: What's that, damage-wise?

Beverly: That's a...

Moonshine: They were romantic!

Beverly: I got a 10.

DM Murph: You cut him down. He's dead.

Hardwon: They were lords of their hygiene.

Moonshine: Ooh!

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: That is going to be the kobolds. So, two of these guys are going to surround Bev, and three of 'em are gonna go after Moonshine.

Moonshine: Y'all, I'm gettin' dropped.

DM Murph: So, first the guys will go after Beverly. This first guy takes a swing, [dice rolling] and he's gonna miss. He misses big time. Second guy comes up, [dice rolling] he takes a swing, and he hits.

Beverly: It's fine, I don't care.

DM Murph: He is going to hit for 6 damage.

Beverly: 6 damage. "I can take it!"

Moonshine: Such a brave kid.

DM Murph: These other three guys are gonna surround Moonshine. First guy is going to hit.

Moonshine: That's gonna be the end of Moonshine.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: That's 2 damage to Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay! She's still standin'!

Beverly: Wait, don't you have a potion?

Moonshine: I can't take it in the middle of the- yeah.

DM Murph: The other guy swings...he's gonna miss. Third guy takes a swing, and he crits. They don't hit for that much damage, but let's see what happens.

Moonshine: Well, I have 3 hit points, so...

DM Murph: Does 7 damage to you.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Moonshine: Bye, bitches! I'm down.

DM Murph: Moonshine goes down.

Beverly: Paw Paw nudges your corpse.

DM Murph: Paw Paw furiously licking your face.

Hardwon: Who has the potion- you have- Bev has that potion.

Moonshine: Yeah, I wish- can Paw Paw open the potion in my pocket and pour it into my mouth? You should say no. The answer should definitely be no.

DM Murph: It has not come to that yet. If you guys are knocked out one time...

Beverly: Paw Paw's really-

DM Murph: If you guys get a total party kill, and you're all knocked out, I will roll for Paw Paw. A raw intelligence check.

Hardwon: Paw Paw knew charades! He can do this!

Beverly: I know! That's what I'm sayin'!

DM Murph: Back around to Hardwon. So, Hardwon, you've got...five kobolds left, regular old kobolds, and then the one sorcerer.

Hardwon: Cool. I wonder if- I can't tell if I should throw my throwing axes at the little ones surrounding you, or if I should go for the sorcerer dude.

DM Murph: You are on their level, so you don't need to throw axes.

Moonshine: I think the sorcerer.

Hardwon: Oh, I don't need to throw axes?

DM Murph: No, you're on their...

Hardwon: Great, then I'm gonna do greataxe at the sorcerer.

Moonshine: Yeah!

Beverly: Good, smart.

Hardwon: And that is a...11?

DM Murph: 11 to hit. That does not hit.

Beverly: I believe you.

Moonshine: Aw, damn.

Hardwon: Oh, can I- but- oh ,wait, did I rest long enough to do, uh...

Moonshine: Yeah, you got all your shit back!

DM Murph: Yeah, you got a short rest. You can do an Action Surge if you want to swing again.

Hardwon: Cool. Let's go for it again.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] Fuck me. And that's 12.

DM Murph: That does not hit. He moves out of the way.

Hardwon: Goddamn it.

Moonshine: Damn! Nimble!

DM Murph: That is going to be Moonshine. Moonshine, go ahead and roll me a death saving throw.

Moonshine: [dice rolling] d20, my bitches.

Hardwon: That's what's up!

DM Murph: That is two successes.

Beverly: You see a spiritual version of Paw Paw comes to you.

DM Murph: Paw Paw is giving you mouth-to-mouth right now.

Beverly: Paw Paw in your dreams sounds like- [deep voice] "Hey, Emily."

Moonshine: He's just clawing up my chest.

DM Murph: That is the sorcerer. The sorcerer, so that he does not get disadvantage, is actually gonna shoot at Beverly instead. 'Cause Beverly is surrounded.

Beverly: [Paw Paw, in a deep voice] "Moonshine, it's me, Paw Paw. You must wake up."

Moonshine: "Moonshine! That's a deep voice."

DM Murph: All right, he's gonna shoot at you, Beverly.

Beverly: "Bring it!"

DM Murph: [dice rolling] That's a 20 to hit, that does hit.

Hardwon: Uh-oh.

Beverly: "Okay, you did!"

Hardwon: "Don't bring it so much!"

DM Murph: 4 damage on the first beam.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Moonshine: Bring it less!

DM Murph: He's gonna hit again, that's a 23 to hit. That's...[dice rolling] another 7 damage. Are you still up?

Beverly: Is that- wait...is that 7+4?

Moonshine: Another 7.

DM Murph: Yes. 11.

Beverly: Oh, I'm down.

DM Murph: Bev goes down. He's gonna be at disadvantage, but he's gonna shoot his last one at Hardwon. [dice rolling] He misses. Misses Hardwon.

Moonshine: [relieved] Oh, lord!

Hardwon: Hardwon does a really cool barrel roll out of the way, and he kicks the ladder again.

Beverly: Just for fun.

DM Murph: So Hardwon. Your two allies are down. You're in the middle of this dark chapel. So, Hardwon, there are five left-

Hardwon: Plus the sorcerer.

DM Murph: Five regular guys and the sorcerer, and it is going to be the kobolds' turn.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: What are you at, HP-wise? You still have your Second Wind, right?

Hardwon: I think I still have my Second Wind.

Moonshine: Yeah, you do.

DM Murph: You do. 'Cause you get it after a short rest.

Hardwon: HP-wise, I...I don't think I've been hit.

DM Murph: Great.

Hardwon: I'm at 19.

DM Murph: Cool. You very well might survive.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Oh, wow.

Beverly: What a fun possibility!

DM Murph: You guys might not get a total party kill!

Hardwon: Okay!

DM Murph: Okay, so these kobolds, these five, run up to you, surround you. First guy takes a swing...

Hardwon: And he misses.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] And he...I'm so sorry, but he hits.

Beverly: Cool. All right. All right.

Hardwon: Okay. But he hits for very little.

DM Murph: He hits for 2. He hits for 2.

Moonshine: Okay!

DM Murph: Second guy takes a swing. [dice rolling] And he fucking hits. He just rolled a goddamn 17. [dice rolling] And he hits for 5.

Beverly: This has been really fun, y'all.

Moonshine: Wow.

Beverly: Fun little treat for me.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] He misses. Third guy misses.

Hardwon: All right!

DM Murph: [dice rolling] Fourth guy misses.

Beverly: Hey!

DM Murph: Fifth guy...

Hardwon: There's five!

DM Murph: 18 to hit, that definitely hits. [dice rolling] That's another 4 damage.

Hardwon: Got it. So that's 9 total?

DM Murph: It's 9 total.

Beverly: Really wouldn't have used all my-

Hardwon: Brings me down to 10.

DM Murph: Okay. So that brings us back around to Hardwon.

Hardwon: All right, so there's just five of these guys. Okay.

Beverly: Hardwon! Yeah.

Moonshine: I would say help Beverly up, because I've got two positives.

DM Murph: These guys are all gonna get opportunity attacks on you if you try to get away.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: But they don't hit for much, so you'll...

Hardwon: Well, I'll probably...

Moonshine: Okay, so maybe stay where you are and keep fighting them. 'Cause you could take one out, and then that's one less person hitting you, and if I can get back to life, or me or Beverly could get back to life...

Beverly: Yeah. Should he also, maybe...if he takes out the leader, is there a chance that they will all succumb?

DM Murph: Perhaps.

Beverly: Or they'll all, you know...turn tail and flee.

DM Murph: So Hardwon, here are your choices, basically. You can swing at one of these guys, either the sorcerer or one of the kobolds that are surrounding you, or you can run over to Moonshine or Beverly and feed them your potion.

Beverly: No, he gave me his potion.

Hardwon: My potion is on Beverly's person.

Beverly: No, I used it.

Moonshine: I have a potion on my person, though. I have a potion.

DM Murph: Okay, so you could go run to Moonshine, but these guys will get a chance to try to hit you while you run away. The sorcerer will not be able to cast a spell. An opportunity attack is just a swing.

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: You know these guys don't hit for a lot, but...you know.

Hardwon: Yeah, but there's five of 'em, and I only have 10.

DM Murph: That's true.

Beverly: Moonshine has two more chances...

DM Murph: You can also- you can do Second Wind and then do it.

Hardwon: Yeah. I'll do Second Wind and rescue Beverly.

Moonshine: Ahh, that's the move.

DM Murph: Okay. Second Wind. Go ahead and roll your d10.

Beverly: That's the biscuit right there.

Moonshine: That's the buttered biscuit.

Beverly: That's the big buttery biscuit right there.

Moonshine: Big ol' square of butter on a biscuit.

Beverly: Mmm...chomp into that successful strategy.

Hardwon: Glad you guys were doing that for a bit, because I didn't know which one the d10 was.

Beverly: That’s what we’re gonna start doin’.

Hardwon: That's an 8.

DM Murph: Great! So 10. It's plus your fighter level.

Hardwon: Hell yeah.

DM Murph: Great. So you're back up to 20.

Hardwon: Good shit.

DM Murph: So wait, now are you gonna...

Moonshine: Fuck dude, that’s great.

Beverly: How does this happen in fiction? Do you just go like, [sound of exertion]?

Hardwon: Does anyone have a pencil?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah, what does Second Wind look like?

DM Murph: He just gets real amped.

Moonshine: Does he just, like, do push-ups?

DM Murph: Yeah, he chugs a Monster Energy drink.

Moonshine: Does he just, like, do push-ups, like the angsty teenage son that gets beat by his dad and wants to beat him up?

DM Murph: Yeah, he just punches a wall like Billy in Stranger Things.

Beverly: Yep.

[laughter]

DM Murph: He thinks about all of the abuse that he sustained at the Dwarphanage. Just kidding, they were very nice to you, they were very nice to you.

Beverly: He finds the nearest locker.

DM Murph: As nice as they could be.

Hardwon: They're a loving group. Almost bullywug-level.

[laughter]

DM Murph: I don't know how we got to the bullywugs being nice out of all this.

Moonshine: I mean, just a perfect example of family.

Beverly: Yeah. Family first.

DM Murph: Goddamn it.

Moonshine: We could all strive to be more like bullywugs.

Hardwon: A tight-knit, beautiful community.

DM Murph: Smash cut to them getting dragged through the swamp, to them dragging teens through the swamp.

Moonshine: This is gonna be so heroic.

Hardwon: Thank you. Appreciate that.

DM Murph: Hardwon, this is your moment, man.

Hardwon: This is why I left the mountain. To have this kind of moment.

DM Murph: So are you gonna run for Moonshine, or are you going to fight the kobolds?

Hardwon: Second Wind, running for Moonshine. That's what gives me back my energy.

DM Murph: So these guys get opportunity attacks on you. So they're gonna swing...first guy...hits. 5 damage.

Hardwon: Good lord!

Beverly: It's fine.

DM Murph: Second guy. Misses. Third guy. Hits. 4 damage.

Hardwon: No!

Moonshine: Jesus!

DM Murph: Fourth guy.

Moonshine: 9 damage so far.

DM Murph: Fourth guy hits.

Beverly: [groan of fear]

DM Murph: 2 damage.

Moonshine: 11 damage.

DM Murph: Fifth guy. Misses. And the sorcerer is just gonna swing. But he misses.

Moonshine: 11 damage.

Hardwon: So that puts me at 9.

DM Murph: You're at 9. You run over to Moonshine. You find a potion on her. You put her head in your lap, pour some potion down her throat. Paw Paw's lickin' at her face, and Moonshine, you pop back up.

Hardwon: "Settle down, Paw Paw."

Moonshine: How much did I get?

DM Murph: Paw Paw's just biting at your hands, he doesn't understand what's happening and thinks you're killing her. Roll 2d4+2.

Beverly: Hardwon just ran through a car wash of violence to get over to Moonshine.

Hardwon: It's what I live for.

Beverly: Yeah, you did it.

Moonshine: 6.

DM Murph: Okay. Moonshine's back up, back at 6.

Beverly: Hell yeah!

Moonshine: Hell yeah!

DM Murph: Hardwon, you have a little bit of movement left. Would you like to move away from Moonshine, or do you want to stand right by her?

Hardwon: Would I move away to give her space to attack people, or would I move away to run away from the violence? I'm no craven.

DM Murph: You're not a craven man, but do you want to move out of the way so you don't both get hit by the same spell?

Hardwon: That'd be good.

Beverly: That seems smart.

DM Murph: Okay. So you combat roll out of the way, and you guys put some space in between you two. And that is going to be Moonshine, actually.

Moonshine: All right. It's time for Symbiotic Entity.

Hardwon: That's right. That's how you fuck their ass up!

Moonshine: I- [gurgling transformation noise] turn into a fungus, and...

Hardwon: There is a fungus among us!

Moonshine: [laughter]

Beverly: That's what the kobolds scream in panic.

Moonshine: Which then gives me 6 extra hit points, so I'm up to 12 hit points.

Beverly: Hell yeah!

DM Murph: Oh, nice.

Moonshine: And I'm just gonna fucking go at the closest person near me with my scimitar.

DM Murph: So you just need to run into the thick of it, because the kobolds are near the altar. So there's five kobolds and a kobold sorcerer. Just right in it.

Moonshine: I'm going after- none of them are hurt, right?

DM Murph: None of them are hurt, no. Are you going after the little ones, or the sorcerer?

Moonshine: I'm gonna go after...

Beverly: You should go after the sorcerer.

Moonshine: The sorcerer.

DM Murph: Cool. Go for him.

Beverly: If you turn into a giant mushroom mama and kill their-

Moonshine: I got a 2.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: That did not hit. You whiffed big time.

Moonshine: But I'm gonna Spores 6 hit points at the sorcerer.

DM Murph: 'kay.

Moonshine: And then use my bonus action to Healing Word my boy, who just healed me.

Hardwon: What up?

Moonshine: Let it be known: if you heal Moonshine, you get healed.

Beverly: Ya get healed.

Hardwon: That's Crick hospitality, baby!

Moonshine: That's Crick ho- [laughter]

Beverly: You don't wanna heal me?

Moonshine: So I'm gonna do- oh, shit, you're right, I really should!

[laughter]

Beverly: Heal Beverly?

Moonshine: You're right, I really should. Okay, I'm gonna Healing Word. I'm so sorry.

Beverly: You just- you heal him over Hardwon.

Hardwon: You got Hardwon's hopes up. He raised his hand for a high five, and then you realized Beverly is...

Beverly: It's definitely funnier if you heal Hardwon over my lifeless corpse.

Moonshine: Ah, yeah, that's too fucked up, though.

Hardwon: I'm still- I'm at 9. Wake Beverly up. We need him.

Beverly: [imitating Evanescence's Wake Me Up] Wake me up!

Moonshine: Yeah, I can heal- the thing is, this is a distance healing, so it's not as good. It's only 1d4+5.

Beverly: I'll take what I can get. Ya boy Beverly is in a real bind.

Moonshine: 8 to Bev.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: So I just get 8 HP?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Oh, nice! Cool.

DM Murph: So Bev pops back up.

Moonshine: At least now we're three targets, right?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: I pop back up and- as if I-

DM Murph: He's clearly had a wet dream.

Beverly: Yeah. I-

Hardwon: "And you swear you don't dream of Erlin?"

Beverly: Yeah, I pop back up and just scream, "I lied! Erlin was in my wet dream, and I was in his!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: You hear a distant halfling boy-voice yell, [Erlin, muffled] "What?" Now it is the sorcerer's turn. He's going to hurl a little Firebolt at Moonshine.

Beverly: Boo.

DM Murph: And he's gonna miss.

Moonshine: Yeah! That's right, bitch!

DM Murph: Bev, you're up. So Hardwon's out of it right now, he's, like, ten or twenty feet away from the kobolds. Moonshine is surrounded by kobolds and the sorcerer.

Beverly: I draw my sword.

DM Murph: ‘kay.

Moonshine: Get into the fray, my dude!

Beverly: I lock my eyes directly on the leader.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I step solemnly towards him-

Hardwon: Tiny little semen stain on your breeches.

[laughter]

Beverly: I take off my sash and tie it around my waist so you can't see my little stain.

Moonshine: Eww! 'My little stain'? You should be arrested for saying that.

[laughter]

Hardwon: It is the size of a nickel, and you are under arrest.

Beverly: Well, regardless of the size, no one can see it. I step firmly and with purpose towards the head kobold.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: And I recite the six tenets of the Green Teens.

[laughter]

Beverly: [passionately] "A Green Teen is a keeper of the light, and a warder of the blight! They know the words to heal, and tend the earth with zeal! They're aware of what is just, and their sword," I hold my sword aloft, "Is free of rust!"

Hardwon: He's in the same pose.

Moonshine: Suddenly, during that time, everyone had time to notice his little stain.

[laughter]

DM Murph: You see the kobold turns to you. "Did you cum, man?"

Moonshine: "Is that pre-cum?"

Beverly: [shouted] "YES! ERLIN!"

Moonshine: "You get a little drizzle of pre-cum...?"

DM Murph: Roll an attack roll.

Beverly: Goddamn it, it fell off the table.

Moonshine: You gotta reroll when it goes to the ground!

DM Murph: After that, you know what? Roll with advantage, because that was beautiful.

Beverly: Oh, thank you. I did write a poem at my lunch break today, so...full disclosure on how that went down. [dice rolling] Oh! 18. Plus 5.

DM Murph: Great. You hit. You super hit.

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: Roll your damage, baby.

Beverly: That's...3+5, that's 8.

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: This dude's looking pretty damn fucked up.

Hardwon: Grim.

Beverly: Uh-huh. Kind of was hoping for the finishing blow with that.

DM Murph: For the kill? This guy's quite a bit tougher than his li'l brothers.

Beverly: Sure.

DM Murph: You see that he works out. He's got some decent shoulder definition.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Wow. His traps look like mine.

DM Murph: He's like a wrestler in the hundred and ten pound division. At first, from far away, you think that he's just a skinny guy, but then you see how toned he is once you get up close.

Hardwon: Oh, yeah.

Moonshine: Absolutely.

Beverly: With my slash, do I remove his robes, so I can see how cut he is?

DM Murph: Yeah. You remove his robe, and he is cut. He has an eight pack.

Moonshine: What? You don't expect spellcasters to be that cut.

DM Murph: You don't expect somebody with scales to have an eight-pack, but he do.

Hardwon: Yeah. "God, you're svelte, man."

Moonshine: Let's maybe keep him alive. Let's knock him out and keep his body.

DM Murph: Yeah. Everyone go ahead and roll for horniness to see how horny you are from seeing this very ripped kobold's robe open.

Beverly: For sure.

Moonshine: What do we add to that? We're proficient.

DM Murph: It's a charisma check. Or constitution, maybe.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: I'm gonna go with charisma, 'cause I have a +6.

Moonshine: Either way, that's gonna be a 19 for me.

Beverly: I got a 19.

DM Murph: Okay. You just see wet spots-

Hardwon: Oh, yeah. I have a 2- I got a 22.

DM Murph: Just, wet spots emerge.

Hardwon: The one time I fuckin' don't need it.

DM Murph: Emerge in the pants of all our heroes.

Hardwon: Tiny little stains.

Beverly: Everyone's wet for this kobold.

Moonshine: Everyone makes a tiny stain.

[laughter]

Beverly: A little stain.

DM Murph: Tiny stains all around.

Moonshine: A tiny little stain.

[laughter]

Hardwon: 'Little Stains' is another good name for our party.

DM Murph: The Little Stains...

Moonshine: Band of Boobs, AKA, The Little Stains.

Beverly: Li'l Stainers...

DM Murph: So two of these guys are gonna go after Beverly. One swings, and that's going to be 15 to hit. Misses.

Moonshine: Naw!

Beverly: No, thank you.

DM Murph: And a...16 to hit.

Moonshine: Beverly's got that AC Slater.

Beverly: Beverly sturdy- he's got an 18.

DM Murph: Oh, boy. So these other three guys are gonna go after Moonshine. [dice rolling]

Moonshine: "Bring it on, come on!"

DM Murph: 15 to hit?

Moonshine: That's gonna be a hit.

Hardwon: Oh, no.

DM Murph: That's only 2 damage.

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: Second guy swings, he's gonna hit. 4 damage.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: Next guy misses.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay. And then that is...Hardwon's turn.

Hardwon: Hell yeah. Going after the sorcerer.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. Go for it.

Hardwon: [dice rolling]

Beverly: That's a number!

DM Murph: What do you got, a +6 to hit?

Hardwon: That's a fuckin' 18.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: I have d...d12, yeah?

DM Murph: Yep.

Beverly: He's cut, and now he's cut.

Hardwon: Fuck yeah. That's a 16.

[cheering]

DM Murph: Holy shit!

Hardwon: Bitch! And this fuckin' jacked-ass dude is about to get decapitated!

DM Murph: Hardwon, finish him.

Beverly: Oh, kill that jacked 'zard.

Hardwon: Oh my god. I'm helicoptering the greataxe over my head. "You saw what I did to the bullywugs, to the greatest- to the snake, to Kruk. You're next." Boom. Decapitated.

Beverly: Before he dies, he says, "I didn't actually see any of that."

Hardwon: "I was talking to Beverly!"

DM Murph: "I'm sorry, who's Kruk? What are you say- AUGH!" Dead. Blood spurting out of his neck where his head used to be.

Moonshine: Oh, hell yeah.

Hardwon: Gotta love it.

Beverly: His head is removed, but I feel like he does one last rep before he dies.

Hardwon: You don't fuck with the Band of Boobs.

DM Murph: Yeah, you see his body falls, perfectly sculpted, to the floor, as the rest of his robe comes out, and you see that he has an eight-inch flaccid penis.

[laughter]

DM Murph: That he is hung. He is tight.

Hardwon: He is a grower and a shower.

DM Murph: You can only imagine what that thing would be...

Moonshine: Moonshine shivers.

[laughter]

Beverly: I feel like-

DM Murph: This dude is two feet tall.

Beverly: No wonder all the other kobolds follow him.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Wait, so his dick is, like, half the size of him.

DM Murph: Yeah. His dick is a quarter of the size of him.

Beverly: Yeah. So he, like, falls to the ground-

Moonshine: Moonshine reverse shivers. First she shivered down, and then it shivers back up.

DM Murph: She shivers back up. That is going to be Bev.

Beverly: All right.

Moonshine: Wait, what about Moonshine?

DM Murph: Oh. Moonshine, I'm sorry. It is your turn. I thought it was the sorcerer's turn, but no, we were just talking about his dick. Go ahead, Moonshine.

Moonshine: Yeah. Who's in front of me? What is the- how are the kobolds reacting to this?

DM Murph: You're just fucking surrounded by- they are scared.

Moonshine: They're scared-

Hardwon: Of his dick?

DM Murph: They're scared, but they're gonna try to kill you.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Okay, they're still fighting. Okay, so I'm just gonna attack the person in front of me.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: They're so sad that their strong wizard dad is dead.

Moonshine: That's gonna be 13.

DM Murph: That does hit.

Moonshine: Oooh, yeah! Okay, so that’s gonna be...9.

DM Murph: He’s gone.

Moonshine: Byyee! And then I look to- who looks the saddest about him dying, of his friends?

DM Murph: You see one kobold whimpers. It was definitely his best friend.

Moonshine: I look at him and I say, “Don’t worry, you’ll see him soon.” I blow my spore kiss at him.

DM Murph: You blow your spores? Finish him, he’s dead.

Moonshine: For 6? Wooo!

DM Murph: Mushrooms burst through his brain and his head explodes.

Moonshine: Truly a beautiful thing.

Hardwon: And he has a normal-sized penis?

DM Murph: Yeah. He falls down. He wasn’t wearing a robe, he was just nude, but yeah, he had a tiny little dick.

[All laugh]

Moonshine: Moonshine feels fine about this. She’s like, “What use was he to me?”

DM Murph: Beverly, you’re up.

Beverly: Okay. I guess I wanna do a quick scan, to see if anyone else is wearing friendship lockets to denote their companionship levels.

DM Murph: They’re all- yeah, these three guys are triplets. You can tell that they’re not only siblings, but they’re close, because they’re all holding hands. They hold hands while they fight.

Hardwon: That’s so sweet!

Moonshine: That’s so cute. You should use your sword right in between two of their hands.

DM Murph: And their names are Phil and Lil, like the Rugrats, and then there’s another one named Bill.

Moonshine: Phil, Lil, and Bill!

Hardwon: Go for fuckin’ Lil, man.

Moonshine: Yeah, go for Lil. Fuck Lil.

Beverly: Fuck Lil. Yeah. Li’l lizard, big damage. Here we go.

Moonshine: Ooooh!

Hardwon: [sees Bev’s roll] Get lucky.

Beverly: ...That’s a 1, but I’m gonna get lucky. [to Murph] Can you put the Daft Punk song in, like can you play that?

DM Murph: [deadpan] Absolutely.

Moonshine: [humming the chorus of Get Lucky]

Beverly: [rolls again] What’s that?

Hardwon: That’s a 15.

Beverly: Ooh, 15. Plus 5..

DM Murph: That hits. Roll your damage.

Beverly: Ok, that’s a 1. Plus 5, that’s gonna be 6.

DM Murph: Cool, that’s enough! You bash Lil to death.

Hardwon: Let’s just note that she was standing in the middle.

DM Murph: Yeah, she was standing in the middle. So their hand hold is broken. Phil and Bill are destroyed, emotionally.

Hardwon: Just holding on to her severed hands.

DM Murph: Okay, so it is Phil and Bill’s turn, and you see that they’re going to disengage, and just full-on jump into the water back down onto the first floor. And they just run, and they just jump off.

Moonshine: Moonshine shouts, “Let’s the cowards run. They have no organization, we’ve taken their leader.”

Hardwon: “Hell yeah.”

Beverly: “I agree!”

DM Murph: So you guys have-

Moonshine: “‘-Cause we gotta go find the youngins.”

Hardwon: Hardwon can’t stop staring at this dude’s dick.

DM Murph: You guys are in this chapel, with this dead sorcerer with this huge dick. You also see you’ve got the northwest tower is- there’s a staircase leading to it the right corner of the room.

Moonshine: “That’s gotta be youngin’ central.”

Hardwon: “Yep.”

DM Murph: Or, northeast, sorry.

Moonshine: I’m staying fungal, because the second I’m not fungal, I will be dead.

Beverly: Stay fungal, stay funky.

DM Murph: Oh, you don’t have any-

Moonshine: I could also Cure Wounds myself right now.

Beverly: Oh, that’s probably good.

Moonshine: Okay, I’m going to Cure Wounds myself.

Beverly: Although, I have 8 HP. What’s everyone’s HP? Quick HP check!

Hardwon: Mine’s at 9.

Moonshine: The second I’m not a fungus, I’ll die. So I’ll probably Cure Wounds myself.

Beverly: Before we leave this room, I’m going to take the robe and cover [laughing] the naked wizard.

Hardwon: Hardwon’s craning his neck the entire time, just so I get one last glimpse.

Beverly: “Just, you know, out of respect for the dead!”

Hardwon: “...God, that’s a thick cock. It’s the size of my calf.”

Beverly: Can I snag some Tim Hortons before we go?

DM Murph: [laughs] Yeah, you grab a couple doughnuts and some coffee.

Beverly: Does that revive me at all?

DM Murph: ...No.

[all laughing]

DM Murph: It’s not even actually there. You’re just hallucinating, because you were just knocked out. You do have CTE.

Moonshine: Just FYI, I got 11 hitpoints. So, t'was nice.

DM Murph: So you guys have- the back right tower is the one you’re closest to, you’re on that same level. The other tower, the back left tower, you’ll have to climb down, go on to the first floor and then climb the stairs and go up. Because the second floor is...although, you could climb across the wall, too.

Beverly: Or hijack a winged kobold and flyyyyy.

DM Murph: [deadpan] Yes, these ten pound dudes can definitely carry you.

Moonshine: I just wanna put out there that I think we’re all a little low on hitpoints, and we have no spells left.

Beverly: Yeah. I don’t know if there’s a place in here that we could successfully rest, though?

Moonshine: I don’t think there is.

Hardwon: Right. Wait, have I used my…

Moonshine: Second Wind?

Beverly: Second Wind. You did.

Hardwon: I did. Of course. Hm.

Moonshine: I’m just saying we should fight really cautiously.

Beverly: Yeah, we should be wary.

Moonshine: And we should stealth into shit, and try to avoid confrontation.

DM Murph: So which way are you guys going? Are you guys going to try and climb across where Hardwon climbed up, and go to the tower in the left corner? Or are you guys going to go to the tower that’s in your room?

Beverly: We should probably check the nearest tower, right?

Hardwon: We can’t see into either one?

DM Murph: You cannot see into either one.

Beverly: Even with my spyglass?

DM Murph: They’re still higher up.

Hardwon: Got it. I guess let’s go to the-

Moonshine: Can we stealth?

DM Murph: You can certainly try to stealth.

Hardwon: Maybe we should do the closer tower.

DM Murph: Okay, you guys climb up the closer tower. Do you wanna roll stealth rolls?

All: Yeah…

DM Murph: Pretty safe to assume the kobolds know you’re here, but you can sneak up on ‘em.

Moonshine: 14.

Beverly: Yeah, 14 as well.

Hardwon: I got a 10.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Just a stealthy buncha dudes!

Moonshine: Decent stealth! Double-digit stealth.

Hardwon: So stealthy. Hard to be stealthy when you’re six-foot-six.

Beverly: Stealthy, healthy, wealthy, and dead.

DM Murph: You guys climb up the stairs. You see a kobold sees you guys right away, and you see he runs back into a room in the tower.

Beverly: Get him, get him, get him!

Moonshine: He runs back into a room? I guess I’ll just chase him.

DM Murph: Yeah. You guys are climbing a spiral staircase.

Hardwon: Can I throw my throwing axes at him?

DM Murph: Yeah. Go ahead and throw a throwing axe.

Hardwon: [rolls] Oh damn, that’s 25.

DM Murph: That hits, roll damage. It’ll be less than your greataxe.

Hardwon: That’s a 6.

DM Murph: 6! You kill him. An axe hits him in the back of the head, hits his goddamn brain stem.

Moonshine: Daaaamn!

DM Murph: He, bang, falls on to the floor.

Hardwon: Cool.

Beverly: Protect the Tim Horton’s at all costs!

Moonshine: Let’s keep stealthing up then.

Hardwon: Yeah, now we can keep stealthing, right?

DM Murph: Give me another stealth roll.

Beverly: [rolls] It’s a 16.

Moonshine: 16 for me as well!

Beverly: Hey! Stealth twins.

Hardwon: 14.

DM Murph: Dope. You guys sneak up. You guys get to the scout tower, and you see three Green Teens…

Beverly: [excited] “Ahhhh!”

Hardwon: Is it Erlin?

Moonshine: Is Erlin there?

DM Murph: It is. Erlin, Derlin, and Cran are tied up on the floor of this tower. And you see one extremely fucking scared kobold holding a sword-

Moonshine: -I go and I push him over the edge! I wanna go push him over the edge.

DM Murph: [laughing] Roll an opposed strength check!

Moonshine: Oh, shit. I rolled really poorly. I got a 4.

DM Murph: You see you go to push him. He takes a low stance and just tackles you, as this kobold and Moonshine start to wrestle.

Beverly: I wanna stab him in the back while they’re wrestling.

DM Murph: Okay. Roll an attack roll.

Hardwon: Come on, Bev!

Beverly: It’s a...15.

DM Murph: You stab him in the back. Roll your damage.

Beverly: That’s gonna be 6 plus 5. 11.

DM Murph: Super dead.

Moonshine: Oh my god. There’s just kobold blood pouring all over me. I love it. [triumphantly] “Mm, that’s better than mud!”

Beverly: I wanna- Murph, can I paint the picture?

DM Murph: Sure!

Beverly: I pull my blade out of this kobold's back. I wipe it on my arm, and then kinda wipe some of it off my face. And then I turn to face my peers.

Moonshine: Whoa!

Beverly: Then like, after a beat, I just go [feigned cheerfulness] “...Hey guys, how’s it goin’?”

DM Murph: You see Cran, Erlin, and Derlin are so beaten up. They have had the shit kicked out of them. They’re probably at about 1 HP. You see Cran is sort of-

Hardwon: “You guys took a nap while while we were, fuckin’, with the Bullywugs.”

DM Murph: These guys are as cute as Beverly. Cran is basically a little Cindy Lou Who halfling who has little blonde curls and freckles, and-

Moonshine: “Aw Cran, get over here!”

DM Murph: -She just looks super dirty and super hurt, and her mouth is gagged, and you see she’s hogtied. You see Erlin is this skinny ginger halfling boy with red hair and freckles, and he’s also tied up and really hurt-

Hardwon: “That’s who you dreamt about?”

DM Murph: And you see Derlin. Derlin kinda looks like the kid from Up. He’s just this big, kinda chubby, cute kid. You see Derlin is unconscious.

[All gasp]

Beverly: Oh no!

Moonshine: We got no healing.

Beverly: Can we just check to make sure- can I check for like, a pulse?

DM Murph: You can do a healing check.

Moonshine: Oh, yeah, I’ve got medicine, will medicine help them at all?

DM Murph: Beverly runs over and starts doing chest compressions on-

Hardwon: On Erlin, because…[laughs]

DM Murph: On Derlin.

Moonshine: On Erlin, just as an excuse to touch him.

Beverly: That’s gonna be medicine?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: So that’s a 19.

Moonshine: Oooh! The light of Pelor!

DM Murph: You start doing chest compressions.

Beverly: [in time with his compressions] “Pelor, Pelor, Pelor, Pelor…”

DM Murph: You do chest compressions. Suddenly, Derlin starts coughing, but he’s still got the gag on. [coughing noises]

Beverly: Ok, I take the gag off.

DM Murph: Ok, you take the gag off.

Hardwon: Should have taken that off before...

Moonshine: I send Paw Paw over to gnaw off their hogties. “Paw Paw, do what you do best!”

DM Murph: Paw Paw gnaws off Cran’s-

Moonshine: “Make holes! Make holes! Pretend like it’s Mee Maw’s sweaters.”

DM Murph: He runs over, he gets way too deep in their mouths, like, biting at them. You see they’re terrified. Their eyes are wide open.

Hardwon: We should have just untied them.

Moonshine: I try to explain.

DM Murph: Paw Paw gnaws them off. You see Erlin runs over and instantly hugs Beverly.

DM Murph: [as Erlin, a nasally excited teenager] “Beverly! Hey! Hey, dude!” He gives you a hug.

Beverly: “Erlin! Ah! Dude, what’s up!”

DM Murph: And then Derlin and Cran also run over and hug Beverly.

Beverly: [sigh of relief] “Ahh…”

Moonshine: Moonshine takes notice of the hug between Erlin and Beverly.

Hardwon: It’s a little too long.

Beverly: I turn to Erlin, and I’m like, “Oh! Hey! That reminds me…” And I fish the gaming set out of my pack. I’m like, “You lent this to me back in town, and I’ve been holding on to it for you.”

DM Murph: [as Erlin] “Aw, thanks, Beverly.”

Beverly: “Yeah.”

DM Murph: “Aw man, we got- we got our butts kicked out there by those Bullywugs! And I...I lost my cooking patch.”

Beverly: “Oh no! Your cooking patch? Goddammit.”

Hardwon: “You found it?”

Beverly: [frantic] “You we’re gonna teach me how to- you know what, that’s okay. Because my new scoutmaster-”

Moonshine: Oh, I was gonna say, “Kid, I think we saw it back in the swamp.”

Hardwon: “Yes, Scoutmaster. Didn’t you pick it up?”

Beverly: “Oh, yeah!”

Moonshine: “...Did I pick it up? Truth be told, yes I did. I was honestly gonna sew it on to my overalls. It’s not the most moral moment of my life. But now, Melora has given me a chance to right that wrong. Here’s your cooking patch.”

DM Murph: [Erlin] “Oh, wow!”

Hardwon: Paw Paw chews it on.

DM Murph: You see these stupid kids are all so pumped about this patch, even though they’re half dead and in this tower, stuck.

Hardwon: “I feel like...there’s still a bunch of naked dragon people all around us, guys.”

Beverly: “Callooh Callay!”

Hardwon: “Shhh!”

Moonshine: “Uh, do you children...you know...have any sorta fighting prowess, or healing prowess, or any sort of gifts that might aid us in combat?”

DM Murph: [as Erlin] “Well, we’re all little paladins! So we can heal each other!” And you see they go: [obnoxiously cheerful] “Everybody, touch haaaands!” And they put their hands out into a little triangle with Beverly in the middle.

Moonshine: “I don’t know about this…”

DM Murph: And they all Lay Hands on each other. These guys are only level one, so they only do 5 HP to each of them. But they’re back up to, like, 7 HP.

Moonshine: Moonshine barfs over the side of the, uh...

DM Murph: Moonshine barfs over. [as the teens] “Touuuch haaaaaands!!”

Beverly: “Thank Pelor!”

DM Murph: “We love Pelor!”

Beverly: I think that we all do a little dance. We definitely all do a little dance.

DM Murph: You guys all do a Green Teen dance.

Moonshine: “Awww, if y’all youngins are gonna dance, I’m gonna play the washboard. Good lord.”

DM Murph: Moonshine starts playing.

Hardwon: You guys are just dancing, dancing in blood.

[all laughing]

Beverly: [singsong] “Callooh, Callay!”

DM Murph: You see Derlin, the kid that looks like the little kid from Up, walks up to Hardwon and says, “You look like you’re pretty cool, man! Do you know how to use- do you use an axe?!”

Hardwon: “Get away from me, man.”

DM Murph: “I use a sword!” [to Beverly] “Is this...is this your scoutmaster?”

Beverly: “This is my new scoutmaster.”

DM Murph: “Scoutmaster Denny, when he left, he said that we had other scoutmasters that we would find in the swamp!”

Beverly: “Yeah, this is one of them!”

DM Murph: “Wooow!”

Hardwon: “I...I am your scoutmaster. That’s correct.”

DM Murph: Cran, Erlin, and Derlin surround you, and they yell again, “Touuuchh Haaaands!”

Hardwon: “...You don’t have to yell that, do you?”

DM Murph: Nothing magical happens this time. They’re just high-fiving in a triangle around Hardwon.

Beverly: So wait, are we all healed?

DM Murph: You guys...no. They only healed each other.

Beverly: They only healed each other?!

DM Murph: Well, they were almost dead.

Beverly: Yeah, that’s fair.

DM Murph: They were almost dead. So they used their Lay On Hands for the day. They’re all at about 7 HP. They’re not as strong as Beverly.

Beverly: “Do you guys have any potions or anything? Or did the kobolds take them?”

DM Murph: Erlin turns to you and he says, “Yeah, the bullywugs pretty much took all our stuff. They said that- I overheard them talking to the kobolds, and they were giving them to the kobolds for them to sacrifice us to the dragon.”

Hardwon: “The dragon?”

Moonshine: “The dragon? Where’s the dragon?”

Hardwon: “I thought the dragon was killed.”

Beverly: “Isn’t the dragon dead?”

DM Murph: Cran turns, and she says [high pitched, excited voice] “Apparently they have a little egg!”

Moonshine: “Oh my god. We gotta get that egg. Look, I’m not ready to be a mother, but I’m ready to be an adoptive mother.”

Hardwon: “Mhm. That’s responsible. It’s like getting a puppy.”

Moonshine: “Exactly.”

DM Murph: Each kid pulls at your waists, saying [excited] “Are we gonna get a dragon egg? Are we gonna get a dragon egg?”

Hardwon: “Don’t touch your scoutmasters.”

DM Murph: “Mr. Hardwon, are we gonna get a- Scoutmaster Hardwon?”

Hardwon: “Shh. Shh!”

Beverly: I’m very excited and cheerful about this, but I just have a tinge of embarrassment, I guess?

Moonshine: Whoaaa! Beverly’s growing up.

Beverly: “Yeah, that would be cool, I guess.”

Hardwon: Growing right up.

Beverly: I feel like I turn to Erlin and be like, “Guess how many people we killed?”

DM Murph: [as Erlin] “Did you...Did you kill somebody?”

Beverly: “Yeah, like, fifteen people.”

DM Murph: “That’s awesome, yo!”

Beverly: “I know!”

DM Murph: “That’s awesome!”

Moonshine: “Honestly, your friend Beverly here is a serial murderer.”

DM Murph: “Wow.”

Hardwon: “That’s right. Also, by the way, the Jamboreen is cancelled.”

DM Murph: “What?!”

Beverly: [assuredly] “For now.”

DM Murph: “Scoutmaster Denny said that we were gonna try and have the Jamboreen anyways!”

Hardwon: “Scoutmaster Denny is a piece of shit. I don’t know what to tell you.”

DM Murph: “Oh my goodness!”

Moonshine: “That is true. I don’t, you know, I- as much as I- [stammering a little] I think that you should raise children with the truth. And the truth is that Denny is a craven man who deserves nothing close to respect.”

Hardwon: “Tell you what. We came across the bullywug king and Scoutmaster Denny, and the bullywug king is fuckin’ cooler than him.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, yeah, that is true, unfortunately.”

Beverly: “All I know is that if I can get my dragon rearing patch, then I will, without a doubt, be on my way to becoming a six point Green Teen, and a Junior Paladin to boot.”

Hardwon: “Well, let’s go get you the fuckin’ dragon patch.”

Beverly: [shouting] “Yeaaah!”

Moonshine: Yeah, I think the question is, do we want to- what is the kobold situation in the rest of this castle?

Beverly: Yeah, I think we maybe ask the teens if they know.

Moonshine: Like, how many do we think are left?

DM Murph: Cran just says, “I was in a bag!”

Moonshine: “Good for you, Cran. Very good. Very nice.”

Hardwon: “Is this all, did you recover all-”

DM Murph: “Thanks! I was in a bag for twenty-four hours!”

Hardwon: [sarcastically cheerful] “Nice, Cran! Hey, Erlin?”

DM Murph: [as Erlin] “Yeah?”

Hardwon: “How many of you Green Teens were there when you were captured?”

DM Murph: “Just us!”

Beverly: “Just you?”

DM Murph: “Just us.”

Moonshine: “Aw, we didn’t lose any Green Teens!”

Hardwon: “Great. Everyone's alive.”

Moonshine: Moonshine chest bumps, uh...everyone.

Hardwon: Everybody’s so excited.

DM Murph: One of the kids falls out of the tower.

Beverly: So we did it, we got the Green Teens.

Moonshine: I’m gonna come clean and say, “I’d love a full night rest.”

DM Murph: [as Erlin] “You’re gonna sleep in the tower? The kobolds live here!”

Moonshine: “Yeah. Kid, we’re probably not gonna do that.”

DM Murph: “They dragged me in a bag!”

Hardwon: “Yeah.”

Moonshine: “We’ve heard about the bag, we’ve heard about the bag.”

DM Murph: “Touuuuchh Haaands!”

Hardwon: “No need, no need!”

DM Murph: “Oh, it wasn’t magic that time!”

Moonshine: “Yeah, no, it hasn’t been.”

Hardwon: “Tell you what...we might carry you guys out in the bag that you came in.”

Moonshine: “Yeah. That’s a good idea. We’re gonna pretend-”

DM Murph: [helpfully] “The burlap sacks are still here!”

Moonshine: “We’re gonna pretend that we are kobolds...and put you in the bags.”

Hardwon: Let’s put the kids in the sacks and try to sneak out of here.

DM Murph: Are you guys actually going to put the kids in the sacks?

Hardwon: Let’s put ‘em in the sacks and try and sneak out.

Moonshine: Yeah, we are, yeah.

Beverly: [nervous] “Do I have to...Do I have to go in a sack?”

Hardwon: “No, you’re one of us, Bev.”

Beverly: “Oh. Sorry- sorry, guys!”

DM Murph: Erlin turns to you Bev. [whispers] “Do I really have to go back in the sack, man?”

Beverly: “I...I mean, like, the scoutmaster said you have to go in the sack.”

Hardwon: Scoutmaster’s like, “Yeah. Beverly decapitated a bunch of people. He’s proved his worth.”

DM Murph: [Erlin, resigned] “Okay. I’ll go in the sack.”

Hardwon: [mocking] “Tooouuuch sacks!”

Beverly: I give him some Ritz Bitz.

DM Murph: “Aw, thanks man!” He starts eating Ritz Bitz. Derlin says, “Let me have some, man!”

Hardwon: Derlin has such a thick sack.

DM Murph: He does. They climb in the sacks. Who’s carrying Derlin, ‘cause he weighs a little more.

Hardwon: I’ll carry Derlin.

Moonshine: I’ll carry Cran. Er, [to Hardwon] I guess you can carry Cran?

DM Murph: Hardwon might have to carry two.

Beverly: “Do you want me to piggyback Erlin?”

DM Murph: I don’t think you need to. I mean, they’re just halflings.

Hardwon: I’ll carry two.

Beverly: Can I do a sack race with Erlin, we both get in the sack and just bounce around?

DM Murph: Sure, yeah, you can…

Beverly: I don’t do that.

Hardwon: You start to do that, and Hardwon just scoops you up.

Moonshine: Should we consider… so we are currently on this tower. Should we consider belaying down with the rope to exit the tower, and make camp and sleep a full night, and get some rest?

Hardwon: Sneak out of the tower without going by the other...yeah.

Beverly: And then come back for the egg?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay. You guys are going to try to belay the rope down, and try to climb out?

Hardwon: We tie all the kids in the sacks, we’re lowering ‘em down.

DM Murph: Okay, the kids are in the sacks. Are you guys lowering one at a time, or are you guys climbing down the rope kinda fast?

Moonshine: We’re climbing down the rope, fast.

DM Murph: Everybody give me a- so you lower the rope down, let me see if anybody sees that.

Hardwon: Okay...I love the look I got from Murph.

DM Murph: Everybody give me climb checks, with advantage because you have the rope.

Moonshine: I got a…

Hardwon: Plus acrobatics or athletics? Or does it matter?

DM Murph: Athletics.

Moonshine: 20.

Hardwon: 17.

Beverly: I think I got a...13.

DM Murph: Okay, cool. You guys start to climb down. You guys are all successfully climbing down. Hardwon has two halflings over his shoulder, Moonshine has one, and Beverly takes up the rear. The kobolds in the other tower...do see you.

[all groan]

DM Murph: They are gonna take disadvantaged attacks on you guys. And they rolled a goddamn 19 and an 18. So he’s gonna shoot a bolt at Beverly, who’s in the back. 4 damage. And then the other guy takes a shot, and he rolls...he misses. So the other one binks off the side. You guys get down into the water, are you guys just swimming out into the swamp?

Hardwon: Yeah, we gotta run away.

Moonshine: Yeah, I think we’re swimming out, we’re looking to make camp.

DM Murph: These guys are gonna take shots at you one more time as you guys disengage. First guy misses, second guy...misses. You guys get off into the swamp with the Green Teens.

Beverly: Woo!

Moonshine: Niiice.

DM Murph: And that’s where will end this session! The Green Teens have been saved.

[all cheer]

DM Murph: And the players have reached level 3!

[renewed cheering]

Hardwon: That’s huge, baby!

DM Murph: We’re all level 3, baby.

Moonshine: New speeellls.

DM Murph: Ok guys, thanks for listening. Please rate the podcast. Give us five stars, we really appreciate it. Let us know which one of us you want to give you a shout out! You can get a shout out from Moonshine, Hardwon, Beverly...get a shoutout from the character, give us a good rating.

Hardwon: A Derlin shoutout, for one!

DM Murph: Yeah, if someone wants a Derlin shoutout, I am more than willing to give it to them. Thank you guys for listening, follow us on Twitter-

Moonshine: Or, or that meaty hogged kobold.

Hardwon: Oh, that’s right, the sorcerer.

DM Murph: A great character with lots of depth.

Beverly: Nobody asked, but his name was...Porn.

DM Murph: Very clever. That is what people tune in to hear, and that is what we give them. Names like ‘Porn, the big-dicked kobold’. That will be on the wikia for sure.

Hardwon: The Band of Boobs!

DM Murph: Check out the Not Another D&D Podcast reddit, it’s /r/NotAnotherDNDPodcast-

Moonshine: -Band of Boobs, what was the other one?

Hardwon: The Band of Boobs and the Little Stains.

Moonshine: The Little Stains! [breaks down laughing]

DM Murph: The what? The Little Stains, yep.

Beverly: We’ve been in this room a while.

DM Murph: - /r/NotAnotherDNDPodcast- That’s [spelling] D-N-D, the letter N, podcast.

Hardwon: Hashtag #NADDPod, baby.

DM Murph: Hashtag #NADDPod if you wanna tweet about it, tweet at us. Thank you guys, we’ll do shoutout outs at the end of this here. May the Baba Yaga not take you this night, may Bahumut keep you.