Ambushed

The almost-heroes set up camp with the freshly-rescued and adorably annoying Green Teens, then head back into the keep to search for the dragon's egg. Hardwon faces off against a beefcake rival, Beverly expands his tooth collection, and Moonshine summons a spectral PawPaw.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Before play begins] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is Not Another D&D Podcast.

[Play begins]

Welcome back to Bahumia everyone, I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz-

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Emily Axford-

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, reportin’ for business-

DM Murph: And Ca-

Moonshine: From the Crick, AKA Crickness.

DM Murph: [laughing] And Caldwell Tanner.

Beverly: Beverly Toegold V-

Hardwon: [Amused] I’ve never heard anybody say reporting for business.

DM Murph: Reporting for business. I think it’s duty?

Hardwon: It’s duty!

Moonshine: Reportin’ for business. I didn’t come here to do duty, I came here to do business.

[All laugh]

DM Murph: Oh my goodness.

Hardwon: You have a very, very filthy pantsuit on.

[Moonshine laughs]

Beverly: Glad you’re making the distinction... What is formal at the Crick?

Moonshine: What is formal?

Bevelry: Yeah, like, what would formalwear at the Crick be?

Moonshine: Um, linen coveralls.

[All laugh]

Hardwon: Unwashed, unkempt.

Moonshine: I would say...

DM Murph: Let’s do a little recap, guys.

Moonshine: Just a bralette bandeau and some leaves stitched into a mini pencil skirt.

Beverly: That’s good, that’s a good look.

DM Murph: Yeah, let’s do a recap. So, last week you guys had some big wins. We got them Green Teens back.

Beverly: Green Teens recovered.

Hardwon: Erlin, Derlin, Cran...

DM Murph: Our buddies.

Hardwon: [laughing] Welcome to the campaign! They’re permanent, right?

DM Murph: Yeah, they’re gonna follow you guys around, they’re in the party. This is a party of six.

Hardwon: [Jokingly] I’m going to start playing Derlin, actually.

Moonshine: They’re in bags because they have 7 HP, and they don’t have good instincts, so-

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: They are little liabilities.

Hardwon: They won’t stop touching each other.

DM Murph: They’re in bags because they were being annoying and you guys put them in bags so they wouldn’t talk anymore.

Beverly: You have to think about-

Hardwon: We’re no better than the bullywugs.

Beverly: You have to think about them as our backup lives. If one of us dies in the campaign, you just become one of the Green Teens.

DM Murph: Yeah, you have to be Derlin, everyone has to be Derlin.

[Beverly laughs]

Hardwon: Good lord, if that’s not incentive to stay safe I don’t know what is.

Moonshine: Jesus.

DM Murph: Okay, so-

Moonshine: The stakes have never been higher.

DM Murph: So we started with Moonshine and Beverly swimming up into the sunken part of the keep while Hardwon snuck around the back. You guys all climbed up to the second floor and found the kobolds preparing for a ceremony in their dark chapel.

Hardwon: Or business.

DM Murph: Or for business.

[Moonshine and Beverly laugh]

DM Murph: They were in town for business. They did have some Tim Horton’s, it was lightly catered. But you swooped in and attacked-

Moonshine: Tim Hortons, the official brew of business.

[Hardwon and Beverly laugh]

Hardwon: You wanna get something done? Have our watery coffee and our stale donuts. Rent out a sad conference room at a Holiday Inn-

[Beverly laughs]

Moonshine: If our hard donuts don’t get you working...

Hardwon: Sacrifice a bunch of children to your weird god.

DM Murph: Just a kobold in an eighties business-woman suit with big shoulder pads...

Hardwon: And a huge dick.

DM Murph: Oh, yeah, we forgot about our friend with the big hog and the ripped body.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: That was the kobold sorcerer. Alright, so Moonshine and Beverly were knocked out, and Hardwon had his chance to shine as he finally used his Second Wind-

Moonshine: And shine he did!

DM Murph: Shine he did, he regained some hit points and was able to rush over and revive Moonshine, who then revived Beverly. From there, you guys took charge and killed the kobold leader, the sorcerer, who as we all know was in real good shape and had a nice hog.

Hardwon: [giggling] Peak physical form.

DM Murph: You then snuck up to the northeast guard tower and you found the Green Teens! Erlin, Derlin, and Cran!

Moonshine: Unfortunately...

DM Murph: Yeah, Moonshine barfed out of the tower because they were so... sweet? They were so sweet and annoying.

Moonshine: They’re a bit sweet for my Crick tastes.

Beverly: Uh-huh.

DM Murph: They’re a few sweet little Dennys.

Moonshine: They don’t make youngins so sweet at the Crick.

[Daddy Murphy laughs]

DM Murph: You guys-

Moonshine: We’ve got some salty youngins.

Hardwon: Crazed, naked...

[Moonshine laughs]

Hardwon: And they’re the mayor!

Moonshine: They eat everything they shouldn’t.

DM Murph: Oh my goodness.

Moonshine: And won’t eat anything they should.

DM Murph: So, you guys put the teens back in the burlap sacks that they were kidnapped in-

Hardwon: From whence they came.

DM Murph: And you-

Beverly: It’s what the scoutmasters said to do.

DM Murph: And you balayed down the wall-

Moonshine: Callooh callay!

Hardwon: [seriously] Callooh callay.

DM Murph: And ran off into the forest, but not before finding out from Cran that she heard the kobolds talking about a dragon egg.

Beverly: [Ominously] Woooah!

DM Murph: You guys got to level 3, so we rolled new hit points and stuff, but you guys are still low health right now at your current hit points, because nobody’s taken a long rest or anything.

Beverly: Yeah. We have to like instantly fall asleep.

DM Murph: So you guys right now, are in the back of the castle, you guys have escaped and gone off into the forest, so you guys are there right now with Erlin, Derlin, and Cran. It is actually, it’s only like twelve PM, so you guys have just had this big jailbreak adventure but it’s still the middle of the afternoon. You guys had spied on the bullywugs trading the kids to the kobolds early in the morning, then you cased the castle, snuck in and killed a bunch of the kobolds and saved the kids, but that only took like a few hours? So, it’s only-

Hardwon: We should mention that Beverly was inside a crocodile. Or an alligator?

DM Murph: You were inside an alligator, but that all happened in...

Hardwon: Super fast.

DM Murph: Super fast, so it’s only noon.

Hardwon: It’s time for a siesta.

Moonshine: Y’all, it is never too early to trance.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You just hear the kids in the bags go [muffled] “Hey man, can we get out of the bags please?”

Hardwon: “Shut up!”

DM Murph: [Muffled] “Scoutmaster Hardwon-”

Hardwon: “Listen to your scoutmaster, stop moving.”

Moonshine: “Hey, who wants their Shut the Fuck Up patch?”

[Moonshine and Hardwon laugh]

Beverly: “Good one, Moonshine.” [Laughs nervously]

DM Murph: You see Derlin starts moving around a lot on your back and he goes [muffled] “Hey the bullywugs actually let us out and let us sleep in a tent when we were there, so right now you guys are a little bit worse than the bullywugs.”

Moonshine: “Honestly-”

Hardwon: “Let the bullywug be your scoutmaster, then.”

Moonshine: “Not to mention, I think we all discovered the humanity of the bullywugs, so...”

Hardwon: “A proud people. An honourable clan.”

DM Murph: [Muffled] “Beverly, it’s Erlin, I kinda can’t breathe, dude. This kinda hurts.”

Beverly: “Scoutmaster Hardwon, can we please maybe let them out of the bags?”

Hardwon: “Fine, I’ll let you cut an air hole. [laughing] But I’m not letting these motherfuckers out of the bags.”

Beverly: [Concerned] “Okay... I feel like we could probably camp here, I feel like we’re safe...”

Hardwon: Oh, are we into the woods?

DM Murph: You’re into the woods, yes.

Beverly: Can I make a check to see if we’re safe? Maybe like nature or something like that?

DM Murph: Do you guys want to be able to still see the castle and kind of just hide? I mean, Moonshine can do lookout or you guys can go deeper into the forest.

Beverly: I think we should try and have at least a vantage point of it.

Moonshine: I also think, you know what, we deserve a nice lil’ rest and nap. I think we should set up a nice lil’ camp.

Hardwon: That’s nice.

Beverly: Yeah! “Hardwon, I just think the Green Teens would be very good at setting up a camp, we are all expert camp-setters.”

DM Murph: [Muffled] “That’s right!”

Hardwon: Tell you what, I wordlessly tilt the bag upside-down...

[All laugh]

DM Murph: Derlin falls out for... 1 damage.

Beverly: [Laughing] Oh no!

DM Murph: [as Derlin] “Oh dude!”

Hardwon: “Touch Hands, Derlin.”

DM Murph: “Oh, dude, I can’t Touch Hands, I can only do that once a day, man!”

Hardwon: “All right, let’s take a rest, buddy.”

Moonshine: “Oh, y’all...y’all powerful, little, sweet youngins.”

Hardwon: I didn’t mean to damage the little fucker.

DM Murph: “Scoutmaster Hardwon, do you have any RX Bars?”

Hardwon: “I’ll give you an RX Bar, I’m sorry I hurt you. For the record though, I am a million times better than Denny, who let you get kidnapped in the first place.”

Beverly: “He’s got a good point.”

DM Murph: “He’s actually like my favourite scoutmaster probably!”

Hardwon: “Yeah, Denny’s a piece of shit.”

Moonshine: “Y’all, it’s time to kill your idols. Denny, as we’ve said before, Denny is a craven man who deserves nothing.”

Beverly: “Yeah, kill your idols is the last step in the Green Teen Handbook. It’s actually in there, so, yeah!”

Moonshine: “Dark. I respect it.”

Hardwon: “Baller.”

Beverly: “Yeah, it was written a long time ago.”

Hardwon: “I can get on board with these Green Teens.”

DM Murph: So Cran turns to you guys. “H-how are we gonna case this joint? What’re we doing?”

Hardwon: [laughing] I box him out and start talking to Beverly and Moonshine.

Moonshine: I do think we have a question to ask ourselves, well- First off, I do think that we’ll take a little rest, we’ll have a little relaxation...

DM Murph: So, where are you guys going to take a long rest?

Moonshine: I think we’re going to make a little camp here.

DM Murph: Okay, so you’re going to make a camp here-

Moonshine: I’m going to make, like... like a sofa and a loveseat out of mud.

DM Murph: Okay, still in view of the castle?

Beverly: Obscured.

Moonshine: Obscured, by foliage.

Beverly: But we can see it.

DM Murph: Okay, give me a nature or a survival check. With advantage because the Green Teens will help you build a little camp.

Moonshine: But also because I get...

DM Murph: “I can make a lean-to out of sticks!”

Beverly: I got a 15. Survival.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: Oh actually, 20!

Moonshine: Okay!

DM Murph: The Green Teens get to work, making a little lean-to out of sticks and leaves, they make a...

Moonshine: I’m making like a seventies den out of mud. I’ve got like a nice three-person sofa-

Beverly: Wow!

Moonshine: A nice loveseat...

Hardwon: We should do a ‘That Seventies Show’ style spin-around thing to like [singing] ‘hanging out, down the street!’

[Moonshine laughs]

Beverly: It is all made of mud, though.

Moonshine: No, but I’m also doing a shag rug out of seagrass.

Beverly: Okay, okay... it’s still mostly mud.

Moonshine: [Laughing] Yeah, it’s mostly mud.

DM Murph: Cool, so they build a couple little lean-tos. You see the Green Teens-

Hardwon: A little hammock with the burlap sack.

DM Murph: The three Green Teens use the burlap sacks as sleeping bags and they all get into the same lean-to that’s a little bit bigger than the other ones and they go “C’mon Scoutmaster Hardwon! You can sleep in our lean-to!”

Beverly: “It would really mean a lot if you slept in the lean-to with them.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, did Denny sleep in the lean-to with everybody? Is that what Denny did?”

Moonshine: [Laughing] Oh dear. “Hardwon, I think-”

Beverly: “No, Denny always got a hotel room.”

Moonshine: [Impressed] “Woah. Hardwon, I think it’d be nice...”

DM Murph: “Denny would make us camp by ourselves! Denny said it made us better scoutmasters if he stayed at the Inn and we slept outside!”

Hardwon: “Fuck it, I really don’t want to follow in any of Denny’s footsteps. I’m crawling into the lean-to! Move over, don’t cuddle too close.”

Beverly: I whip out my bullywug-flesh sleeping bag.

[Daddy Murphy and Hardwon laugh]

Beverly: I flap it out in view of the Green Teens, to kind of show off a little bit.

DM Murph: Erlin looks at it and goes, [impressed] “Oh, dude, did you kill a bullywog?”

Beverly: [Proudly] “In self-defense.”

Hardwon: “That’s right kid, your buddy collects skin and teeth now.”

DM Murph: “Self-defense is the best kind of killing, dude.”

Beverly: “That’s what I’m saying! That’s what the book says, and if the book says it, it has to be true!”

DM Murph: “Scoutmaster Hardwon, can you read to us from the book of Pelor?”

Hardwon: “I really think it’s important that we take a nap, man... But tell you what, one chapter.”

[All laugh]

DM Murph: You read them a story about how Pelor’s light created the weakness for the first vampires - how that’s why vampires have sunlight sensitivity is because of Pelor’s light.

Beverly: Huh!

Hardwon: Cool, I didn’t know that either.

Beverly: Yeah, we all learned something.

DM Murph: Everybody learned something today.

Beverly: I would like to give a gift to each of my fellow Green Teens.

DM Murph: Beautiful.

Beverly: I give Derlin the chipped bullywug tooth.

DM Murph: “Oh man, a frog tooth!”

Beverly: “Yeah, I, um...”

DM Murph: “They have such nice smiles, man.”

Beverly: “Their smiles are beautiful, this one tried to bite me and its tooth came off on my shield!”

DM Murph: “Oh, that’s awesome, I’m missing a tooth!” And you see Derlin starts jamming it in a missing tooth spot.

Beverly: “Oh, don’t... okay...”

DM Murph: “Aw it fits!”

Hardwon: Hardwon notices nobody has a dentistry patch.

Beverly: And I give Cran the venom tooth- the viper tooth.

DM Murph: Oh. “Ah, a snake tooth, cool! I can get my snake tooth badge!”

Beverly: “Yeah, isn’t it weird that that’s a badge?”

DM Murph: “It’s weird that that’s a badge!”

Beverly: “Some of these badges seem really arbitrary.”

DM Murph: “It’s weird that there’s a snake fang badge and a snake tooth badge. They’re kind of the same badge!”

Hardwon: “It’s for a molar.”

Beverly: “When the two organizations- when the Green Teens and the Leaf Kids merged, there’s a lot of redundancies.”

DM Murph: “Yeah.”

Beverly: And I give the alligator tooth to Erlin.

DM Murph: “Oh man, this is actually a crocodile tooth.”

Beverly: [Laughs] “Don’t ruin it, Erlin.”

DM Murph: “Oh, sorry... Sorry, dude.”

Beverly: “Yeah, I pulled this from a crocodile that was trying to eat me. But then I did, like, a really cool performance and made it seem like I was being eaten.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, it was a really badass performance.”

DM Murph: “Sounds like a really smart idea, dude.”

Beverly: “Everyone agreed it was.”

DM Murph: “I think everyone would agree that was really cool, badass and smart. Anyway, when I got attacked, I just got my ass kicked...”

[Beverly laughs]

Hardwon: This is Erlin saying this?

DM Murph: This is Erlin saying it.

Beverly: “Erlin, no! You’re at this, we just gotta spar more.”

DM Murph: “I just got my ass kicked.”

Beverly: “No, we just gotta like... we just gotta work on it. When we get back to Galaderon, you and me we’re gonna hit the gym, we’re gonna go every day, we’re gonna work on our shadow-boxing, and you’re gonna get swole, I promise!”

Hardwon: “I’ll tell you what, Erlin, you’ve finally got two great scoutmasters here, we’re going to teach you how to kick ass.”

Beverly: “Yeah!”

DM Murph: “You guys are almost as cool as Scoutmaster Denny.”

Hardwon: “God, I hate to hear that.”

DM Murph: He instantly falls asleep.

[Hardwon and Beverly laugh]

DM Murph: Okay, so everybody goes to bed except for Moonshine?

Beverly: Yep.

Moonshine: Yeah, I’m out front, I’m checking Paw Paw for soft spots. I’m making sure Paw Paw-

DM Murph: So many soft spots, his head weirdly has a soft spot, like where his skull should be?

Moonshine: But I’m making sure he didn’t get hurt during the battle.

DM Murph: Right.

Moonshine: Like you would do if you were inspecting an avocado or a melon in the grocery store.

DM Murph: Right.

Moonshine: I’m doing that, like holding him by the tail, checking him for soft spots.

DM Murph: His skull feels like a soft avocado, and every time you press in his head you see his eyes bug out and he goes [strangled opossum noises].

Hardwon: Like those stress things?

Moonshine: Is that new?

DM Murph: No, it’s always been like that.

Moonshine: It’s always been- okay, so I’m just doing that.

Hardwon: You’re checking to make sure his skull didn’t get harder than a soft avocado.

DM Murph: Just normal level of Paw Paw manginess. Just some knotted fur and such.

Moonshine: Yeah, okay.

Beverly: Classic Paw Paw.

Moonshine: If Paw Paw’s soft in all the right places then I’m going to go enter my trance, I’m going to start loudly chanting ‘Melora’.

Hardwon: [Paw Paw noises]

DM Murph: Everybody wakes up, nobody gets their spells back. Okay, so you’re in a trance for about four hours, you do see near the end of your trance, you see the winged kobold coming up from the guard towers in the front and flying out to the back, and he starts hovering over the two back guard towers, to kind of do recon.

Beverly: Hm...

Moonshine: Am I within a hundred and twenty feet of him?

DM Murph: No, you guys are pretty far away.

Beverly: So, we’re just seeing a silhouette.

DM Murph: You’re not seeing anything, you’re asleep.

Beverly: Yeah, Moonshine is.

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: So he’s doing recon?

DM Murph: It looks like he’s on guard duty.

Moonshine: Why would he still be on guard duty?

Beverly: Interesting!

Hardwon: Maybe because we killed his wizard.

DM Murph: Why don’t you go ahead and give me a perception check?

Moonshine: 2 legit to crit.

DM Murph: So you got a 2?

Hardwon: 2 legit to crit!

Beverly: Too legit!

Moonshine: Technically I got a... 7!

Beverly: Hey!

DM Murph: Okay, a 7. Yeah, there’s definitely a guy flying around there.

Moonshine: Cool...

Hardwon: Seven legit to crit.

Moonshine: Can I do a perception check for Paw Paw?

Hardwon: [Laughing] What does Paw Paw see?

DM Murph: I can roll for Pawpaw. He’s not very perceptive.

Beverly: Pray for Paw Paw, roll for Paw Paw.

Hardwon: Paw Paw hits a nat 20 right?

DM Murph: Paw Paw got an 8, which is better than you.

[Cross-talk]

DM Murph: I gave Paw Paw minus 2 to perception.

Moonshine: I ask Paw Paw to mime what he sees because I can’t see shit.

DM Murph: Can you speak to animals?

Moonshine: Nah.

DM Murph: [Laughing] Okay, so Paw Paw just goes [possum noises] and he’s just pointing his nose up at the tower.

Moonshine: Cool, cool. We start chanting ‘Melora’ and go back into our trance.

DM Murph: Okay, you see the one guy casing kind of where you guys were before when you belayed down in that back tower and you see out of the front tower in the distance another winged kobold fly off.

Beverly: Aw, shit.

Moonshine: But he’s still just flying around his castle, right? Just flying around the keep?

DM Murph: No, he left.

Beverly: He’s booking it.

DM Murph: He’s going somewhere.

Hardwon: Oh, shit.

Beverly: Damn it.

Moonshine: Okay...

Hardwon: Is he going to get more kobolds?

Beverly: He might be taking the egg.

Hardwon: Oh.

Moonshine: How long has it- has everybody slept for eight hours?

DM Murph: No, not yet.

Beverly: I would like to describe my dream.

Hardwon: Another wet dream?

Beverly: This one’s only moist. It’s just Hardwon just scaling a mountain, just scaling-

Hardwon: That was my dream too, brother.

Beverly: Just glistening, very moist, shiny bronze, and Paw Paw’s there, but it’s just Paw Paw and he’s also got like a big muscular body, but it’s just Paw Paw’s head, and he says-

Hardwon: And so that does not produce the little stain...

Moonshine: Yeah, how big is the stain this dream?

Beverly: No, no, no it’s under control this time-

DM Murph: Roll for stain. Roll for stain.

Beverly: You’re gonna make me roll for stain?

DM Murph: No, I won’t make you roll for stain.

Beverly: Moonshine’s there too, but everytime I look at her the dream just cuts off.

Moonshine: Insulting!

Beverly: All right.

Moonshine: Okay, well I think I’m just gonna let it fuckin’ be.

Beverly: Yeah, I think maybe just report to us what you saw?

Moonshine: Okay. So I re-enter my trance, yet again, I see something and I don’t say something. Once again I’m part of the problem.

DM Murph: Oh my goodness.

Beverly: Right.

DM Murph: Okay, a couple hours later go ahead and give me another perception check.

Beverly: Well. [Laughs]

Hardwon: Something’s happening.

Moonshine: Okay, well, I got 14.

DM Murph: Okay, you see that other winged kobold that had left fly back into his tower.

Beverly: Huh.

Moonshine: That’s heartening.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: That’s good... maybe. Mental note.

Moonshine: Cool, I clock that. I acknowledge that. And then I give Paw Paw a raspberry on his tummy.

Hardwon: [Possum noises]

DM Murph: You do that for a full two hours until everybody wakes up to the sound of a possum...

Beverly: Being raspberried.

DM Murph: Being raspberried.

Moonshine: [Raspberry noises]

Hardwon: [Possum noises]

Beverly: A little raspberry alarm clock, yeah.

Hardwon: Erlin exposes his belly to Hardwon. I shake my head.

DM Murph: “Okay, where to next, scoutmasters?”

Moonshine: “Y’all are gonna stay here, I’ll tie you to a tree if I have to, um... hey Bev? Hardwon? Let’s have a little chit-chat, how about everyone who’s not a level three wears earmuffs?”

Beverly: “Anyone, uh...”

Hardwon: “That’s you, Cran.”

DM Murph: “Yes ma’am, scoutmaster!” And they all...

Hardwon: Toooouch ears!

DM Murph: “Tooouch ears!”

Moonshine: “Real quick take the earmuffs off?”

DM Murph: They can’t hear you, you need to motion to them to physically remove...

Moonshine: I physically remove them, I say “For future reference that’s scoutmistress.” And then I put his hands back. “Okay, so, the kobolds were... there’s something still going on there because those little winged ones are still doing surveillance and they left and then they came back. So...”

Beverly: “Huh.”

Moonshine: “I don’t know if they’re still guarding the dragon egg? That would be my assumption.”

Hardwon: “Yeah.”

Beverly: “Maybe they just flew away to go to the bathroom?”

Hardwon: “They probably have a bathroom in the castle.”

Beverly: “I don’t know.”

Moonshine: “Oh, but if they had to take a shit they might be embarrassed to do it...”

Beverly: “Yeah, I don’t know what the plumbing situation is...”

DM Murph: Yeah, there’s a Starbucks somewhere in the swamp.

Moonshine: We’re at a Tim, a Tim…

Hardwon: And a Timmy Who’s.

DM Murph: Yeah, the one winged kobold does not like Tim Horton’s.

Hardwon: So he flies off every...

DM Murph: He flies to Starbucks to...

Hardwon: Also, it’s the dead of night right now.

DM Murph: It is, well, it is eight PM right now.

Hardwon: So they can see.

Moonshine: Oh shit, they have advantage, they have good sight now.

DM Murph: So the sun has just gone down.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: “So, do we just rush that castle and try, or do we stealth in and if we find ourselves in the event that we need to fight, then we’re ready?”

Hardwon: “Yeah, let’s stealth in.”

Moonshine: “Okay.”

Hardwon: “I say we try to take them out, and then look for the dragon’s egg.”

Moonshine: “One by one?”

Hardwon: “Yeah.”

Moonshine: [Excitedly] “Yeah, let’s storm the castle-”

Beverly: [Sarcastically] “We’re all really good at stealth, so we should do that.”

Moonshine: “Well, no, no, no, I actually have a lil something...”

Beverly: [Surprised] “Oh?”

Moonshine: “If we’re gonna stealth, I’d like to cast ‘Pass Without Trace’.”

DM Murph: Oh, nice.

Beverly: Ooooh!

Moonshine: Which gives us all a +10 to our stealth checks.

Beverly: [Impressed] Wow!

Hardwon: Hell yeah, dude! Hell yes!

Beverly: Level 3!

DM Murph: That’s dope.

Hardwon: That’s at level 3? What happens to our ass at level 10? Good lord.

Moonshine: “Now, in order for me to cast it on you we do have to do one big group hug.”

Beverly: “You’re saying -”

Hardwon: “I spent all night being spooned by Erlin, Derlin, and Cran, that’s fine.”

Moonshine: I’m going to also go ahead and bring the youngins in and so I cast ‘Pass Without Trace’ on all of us.

DM Murph: “Oh, are we touching hands?”

Moonshine: “Nope, no.”

Beverly: “Yep!”

DM Murph: “Toooooouch hands!”

Hardwon: “Not necessary.”

Beverly: “We’re touching everything!”

Moonshine: “Okay, alright, sweet lil’ youngins.”

DM Murph: Alright, so you give them stealth too so they can hide well?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: “Scoutmasters, what is our mission?”

Moonshine: “Your mission is-”

DM Murph: They’re all standing in a line saluting you.

Moonshine: [Seriously] “Your mission is to keep the camp as clean as possible.”

DM Murph: [Excited] “Oh... my Pelor... I can do that!” You see Erlin runs over and just starts fixing up some sticks.

Hardwon: And Hardwon is like “I can also put ‘em back in the sacks.”

Beverly: “That won’t be necessary.”

Hardwon: “Alright...”

Beverly: “I don’t know if you noticed, but they all have their hiding patches.”

Hardwon: [Amused] “They are... yeah.”

Moonshine: “Y’all are littered with patches.”

Beverly: [Proudly] “Oh yeah!”

Moonshine: “There is very little real-estate.”

Beverly: “Halflings are very good at hiding, and digging holes, and living in those holes.”

Hardwon: “And creating unnecessary patches.”

Moonshine: “Ohh... yeah, you know what, why don’t y’all do that, while we’re gone will you create an intricate system of holes under the ground, that we could hide in later?”

Beverly: “Green Teens? It’s tunnel time!”

DM Murph: “Tunnel tiiiiiime!” and they all touch hands again, and then just get down like dogs, start digging in the dirt.

Beverly: I, um...

Moonshine: I almost feel bad about this...

Beverly: Yeah, I turn to Moonshine and whisper, “I’m a little worried”.

Hardwon: These kids weren’t worth the crossbows they were traded for.

DM Murph: They’re already really deep and so tired. You see Derlin just passes out in the little ditch.

Hardwon: No one has a tunnel patch.

Beverly: “Nice moves, Erlin!”

DM Murph: “Thanks, man!”

Moonshine: “Cool, I think they’re gonna keep themselves entertained. So, we’ve got Pass Without Trace, so I say let’s just start stealthin’ up back to that castle.”

Beverly: Are we, before we proceed, are we a little worried about leaving these Green Teens alone?

Hardwon: No, because she cast the spell!

Moonshine: Yeah, so they can stealth...

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: I’m also going to tell them “You should be stealthin’ the whole time.”

DM Murph: “Is there a secret password when you guys get back?”

Moonshine: [Unsure] “Yeah...”

Beverly: [Excited] “Yeah!

Moonshine: “I’ll let Beverly choose it...”

Beverly: “Okay, okay.”

Moonshine: “Cuz he knows what y’all like.”

Beverly: “The secret password... is bronze ash.”

DM Murph: [Amazed] “Wow...”

Hardwon: “And just in case anyone forgets it’ll just be us coming back, so... You’ll see our faces.”

DM Murph: “What if a bullywug wizard pretends to be you, Scoutmaster Hardwon?”

Hardwon: [Exasperated] “Fine, we’ll say ‘bronze ash’.”

Beverly: [Satisfied] “Bronze ash.”

DM Murph: [Cheerfully] “Bronze ash.”

Moonshine: [Clarifying] “Bronze ash.”

DM Murph: [Excited] “Broooonze aaaaaaaaash!”

Hardwon: “You don’t have to repeat everything in a sing-song,”

Moonshine: “Okay, quieter, quieter, remember?”

Beverly: “Sh, sh.”

Moonshine: “We’re having stealth fun, we’re havin’ fun stealthin’”

DM Murph: “Okay. We’re having fun stealthing, let’s sneak around!” They just start sneaking around and playing tag but real quiet. [Whispering] “Tag you’re it, tag you’re it, tag you’re it, tag you’re it.”

Moonshine: “Bev, tell me about these youngins, how did you get mixed up with them, and do you think what they’re doing is charming?”

Beverly: “I, y’know, I feel like I used to but, uh, I don’t know, ever since I met you guys they seem... a little less cool. Pretty much all of this seems a little less cool. I think maybe I like hanging out with y’all. Is that okay?”

Moonshine: Yeah, I give him a good hair tussle.

Hardwon: “Yeah, you’ve got a taste for decapitation, I like you, kid.”

Moonshine: I give him a good hair tussle and I give him my second thumbs-up of my life. Once again, it’s kind of crooked.

Beverly: “That said, I still do love badges very much.”

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

Hardwon: “We know.”

Moonshine: “We’ll keep doin’ that. I’ll keep doin’ that.”

DM Murph: Okay, so which way are you guys stealthing in?

Moonshine: I think we should stealth towards the front so we don’t have to swim.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: [Simultaneously] Yeah.

Hardwon: They’re in the rear two towers, right?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yes, so you see the one winged kobold is going around the back two towers.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: So you guys are going back around the front?

Hardwon: Yep.

Beverly: [Simultaneously] Yep.

DM Murph: So you guys go back around the front, you guys are in the front of the castle.

Beverly: Now, is there a drawbridge? I’m trying to remember.

DM Murph: The drawbridge is gone, it’s just an archway with two hanging chains. There is water in the front here, but it’s only three or four feet deep, so you guys can either be up to your chests, or you can be swimming down.

Beverly: Okay, cool. I just didn’t know if there was anything special we could use to stealth, but we have like-

Hardwon: What, do you wanna do like a little chicken thing on my shoulders?

Beverly: I would love that very much.

Hardwon: Alright, cool.

DM Murph: [Sarcastically] That won’t make you easy to spot at all.

Hardwon: [Sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

Moonshine: I mean, if it gives you disadvantage you still have +10.

Hardwon: [Impressed] That’s cool.

Moonshine: There’s only so much we can fail.

DM Murph: How are you guys doing this?

Beverly: I think we just wade through and get to the front of the castle.

Hardwon: “I’ll give you a piggy back later, kid.”

Beverly: [Whispering] “Okay”.

DM Murph: So you guys swim underwater, let me see if anybody sees anything, li’l ripples.

Beverly: We’re feeling real confident about that +10.

Hardwon; Yeah, dude.

DM Murph: These guys don’t have their sunlight sensitivity anymore, so...

Beverly: No.

DM Murph: Let’s see... he did not roll well, so... Oh! You guys have a +10?

Beverly: Yup!

Hardwon: [Simultaneously] Yeah.

DM Murph: Roll to just see if you do amazing.

Hardwon: I did pretty amazing.

Beverly: That’s a... 27 I guess?

DM Murph: [Impressed] Holy shit.

Moonshine: I got a 29.

Hardwon: Wow, and I thought I did amazing, I got the lowest score, with a 25.

Moonshine: Oh shit, actually I got more than that, because my stealth is decent. I got a 31.

DM Murph: You know what, we’re turning a new leaf, we’re turning a new leaf here. I’m so proud of you guys.

Beverly: [Cheering] Level 3!

Hardwon: Band of Boobs is a professional fucking campaign now.

DM Murph: There’s nothing funny about this, just precise, devastating play.

Beverly: Min-maxing.

Moonshine: I immediately Googled ‘meta-gaming’ and it’s all I do now.

Hardwon: Oh yeah, we’re also all at third, we’re at full...

DM Murph: You’re at third level, and you’re at full HP, yeah.

Beverly: I Googled ‘how to be good at having fun’.

DM Murph: How to be good and not have fun.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Which is even better D&D.

Beverly: Absolutely.

Moonshine: But we’re stealthing can we assume that right now we’re... we’re doing this so well can we assume that we’re moving in a way that it’s not even that we’re hiding in the shadows, as much as we look like we belong.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Like we’re moving with almost-

Beverly: Like we own the damn place.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: We are the keep.

DM Murph: You guys are the wind, essentially.

Beverly: Can we do that thing where there’s a corner, and then we all peek our heads around the corner? [Breaks into laughter]

Moonshine: Yeah, can we? Since we rolled so well?

DM Murph: You absolutely can.

Beverly: [Excited] Yes!

DM Murph: So you guys swim up so silently.

DM Murph: So fucking silently.

Beverly: Silky.

DM Murph: You guys swim up underwater, you guys get to this archway, you guys all peek your heads around, sit-com style...

Hardwon: Yeah, it would go Beverly bottom-

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Then, uh...

Moonshine: Then Moonshine.

Hardwon: [Simultaneously] Then Moonshine-

Beverly: Uh-huh.

Hardwon: Then Hardwon, and then Pawpaw at the very bottom-

[Everybody laughs]

Moonshine: I was thinking Pawpaw pops out at the top after Hardwon.

Hardwon: Or just out of your cleavage.

Beverly: That’s better.

DM Murph: He starts loudly screeching.

Moonshine: Like a little snake being born out of an egg.

Beverly: And then we cut around, to reveal that y’all-

Moonshine: It sounds like an egg cracking when he comes out of my cleavage.

Hardwon: And this is with a hiss, too.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys see when you look in, you see there was this mess hall that Moonshine had seen before, where they were cutting up tables.

Beverly: Right.

DM Murph: You see this cut up, broken table, but what really catches your attention is you see two beefy kobolds-

Hardwon: Nice.

Bevelry: Woah...

Hardwon: Less lean? Not quite as lithe as the...

DM Murph: Less lean, like definitely a higher body fat percentage. [Starts laughing] Just a couple of beefcakes, just a couple of beefcakes, really.

Hardwon: More mass, no definition.

DM Murph: Two beefcakes-

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: With shields and little swords, and they are waiting at the door.

Beverly: Are the swords actually little, or do they just look little in their big, beefy hands?

DM Murph: They’re actually regular-sized swords, so if anything they look huge.

Beverly: Oh yeah, to me.

Hardwon: Alright, so they’re standing guard...

DM Murph: They look like they’re waiting to jump through the door at something.

Beverly: Okay, alright.

Moonshine: Ohhh... maybe the dragon is being hatched?

[Hardwon gasps]

Beverly: Interesting, interesting.

Moonshine: I think we need to assassinate them.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: I think we need to perception check to see what we see.

DM Murph: Yeah, you can do a perception check, or insight.

Beverly: Oh, insight’s good. That’s a 16.

Moonshine: Ooh, that’s good, let me see how Moonshine’s doing if she’s...

Hardwon: My perception check is an 11.

DM Murph: Okay, that’s not bad.

Moonshine: I got 15.

DM Murph: You guys watch for a little bit, they seem like they’re maybe, they’re kind of waiting for something to happen, they’re waiting to jump in.

Beverly: All right, all right.

Hardwon: They’re sentries waiting for us, I think.

Beverly: Yeah, yeah, they’re waiting for someone to come and do exactly what we’re about to do.

Moonshine: I think that we should... does anyone else have long-range attacks other than me?

Beverly: I have javelins.

Hardwon: I’ve got throwing axes.

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: You actually don’t have any javelins, your one sank and you broke your other one of them.

Beverly: No, I had five to start!

DM Murph: Did you have five?

Beverly: Yes.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I’ve been keeping track of my javelins.

DM Murph: Alright, then you have three.

Moonshine: So you have three more to destroy.

Beverly: Exactly, and I will destroy them.

Hardwon: They are expendable.

DM Murph: You also have Erlin’s javelins, because he has never thrown one in his life.

Beverly: He gave them to me as a precious keepsake.

Hardwon: Sweet, you wanna chuck some weapons at these guys?

Beverly: Yeah!

Moonshine: Yeah, can we do a coordinated thing where we do like a “three, two, one” and then we each launch something?

Beverly: Oh, that’s fun.

DM Murph: You absolutely can. These guys are pretty beefy, you guys think you’re going to take them out with-

Hardwon: Yeah, they’re beefy? But so am I!

Beverly: Yeah, what sort of diet are they on?

DM Murph: They look like they’re on keto.

Beverly: [Scared] Oh, shit.

Hardwon: [Impressed] Really? That’s cool.

Beverly: Fuck.

DM Murph: They’re pretty beefed out.

Hardwon: I look at Beverly like, “You know, a little cardio goes a long way.”

DM Murph: A normal little kobold is like two feet tall, and they look like they probably way twenty-five or thirty pounds. These guys look like they weigh eighty pounds.

Hardwon: Wow.

Beverly: Woah...

Moonshine: Now that we’re in the area, though, I will say I could turn into a giant wolf spider now, and then climb because I have Spider Climb, so I could find out what’s happening in the back.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: That’s cool!

Beverly: That’s really good.

Moonshine: So I’m going to do that-

Hardwon: Spider.

Moonshine: And then, now would I have +10 +7?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Oh, that’s a stealthy spider.

Moonshine: So I’m gonna transform into a giant wolf spider.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: It’s really visceral and it looks so painful. [Laughs]

DM Murph: You just hear her bones crunching as they twist and turn-

Hardwon: Paw Paw is very concerned.

DM Murph: Paw Paw is freaking the fuck out.

Moonshine: Oh, I’m gonna tuck Paw Paw into your, uh...

Beverly: Into my backpack?

DM Murph: Into Beverly's cleavage?

Moonshine: No, into Beverly’s-

Beverly: Into my sash!

Moonshine: He’s wearing like a little plate mail, isn’t he?

DM Murph: Yes, he’s got chainmail.

Beverly: No, put him in my sash so he’s got a little- I’ve got him like a little baby in a bjorn.

DM Murph: [Simultaneously] Like a baby bjorn?

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Oh, okay I’ll put him in your sash.

Hardwon: For future reference, Paw Paw could also go into my beard.

Beverly: [Jealous] I don’t know.

Moonshine: Ooo, that’s good.

Hardwon: As a little- like a little nest.

Beverly: I feel like he likes the sash.

Moonshine: For now we’ll do sash...

Hardwon: That’s fine, I just, I like Paw Paw too.

Moonshine: Beard is gonna be great too.

DM Murph: Crossbow bolts shoot out- I’m just kidding.

Moonshine: And then I turn into a giant wolf spider and I scale the walls back to go spy.

DM Murph: Okay. Great. Roll a stealth check. You are probably going to get by these guys, 'cause they rolled a 2.

Beverly: This is a dumb question: Are the doors open?

DM Murph: No, that door is closed.

Beverly: So how is she getting through?

DM Murph: Because there's no ceiling.

Moonshine: I'm climbing. I'm spider-climbing.

Beverly: Oh, right, there's no ceiling. Duh.

DM Murph: Right. Okay. So what did you roll for stealth?

Hardwon: Very effective doors.

Moonshine: I got 31.

DM Murph: 31. Holy shit.

Beverly: Huh!

DM Murph: Okay. So you crawl out-

Moonshine: Are there any spiderwebs?

DM Murph: There are no spiderwebs. No big ones for a giant wolf spider. There might be some tiny ones, if you really want to look around and look for some little baby spiders.

Moonshine: That seems like a good use of my time. Yeah, no.

DM Murph: You- okay, great. Yeah, you use your full action to do that. So you skitter-

Hardwon: It’s the maternal instincts.

Moonshine: [laughter]

DM Murph: You skitter across the ground, this disgusting big spider. You climb up the wall, and you look down into that sleeping area where you had seen the kobolds could climb up the ladder and get into the chapel. So you can see into the chapel, and you can see down into the sleeping area. So go ahead and roll me a perception check.

Moonshine: [dice rolling] 15.

DM Murph: 15. Okay. Down in the sleeping area, you see that there are kobolds sitting in their little haystacks that they sleep in, but they're just waiting.

Moonshine: They sleep in haystacks?

DM Murph: They sleep in pelts and stuff, so there's little pelts and stuff.

Moonshine: God damn heathens! Why- you're gonna be in a castle, don't sleep in a haystack.

Hardwon: How's their dental hygiene? It's probably terrible.

DM Murph: Not great. Not great.

Beverly: Disgusting.

Moonshine: Okay, so they're sleeping in their haystacks?

DM Murph: They're not sleeping. They're sitting on top of their pelts and stuff, the things that they sleep on. They're sitting there and they're waiting for something.

Moonshine: Do I see the egg?

DM Murph: You do not see the egg, no.

Beverly: [whispered] Gotta get that egg.

Moonshine: I would now like to do a perception check on the dark chapel.

DM Murph: Great. So the dark chapel's on the second floor, which is eye level to you. So you look over to your right.

Moonshine: I look over for a big whoppin' 23.

Hardwon: Damn.

DM Murph: Wow.

Beverly: Yeah. Good rolls. Here come the good rolls!

Hardwon: There we go!

Moonshine: Oh, sorry, 22.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Still...

DM Murph: Oh, shit, no, you don't see anything.

Moonshine: [laughter]

DM Murph: You look over to your right, into the dark chapel. You see that the three tables that were being built, presumably to sacrifice the Green Teens on, and there are bullywugs hiding under it, looking like they're ready to pounce and jump down.

Beverly: What?

Moonshine: Bullywugs? Hiding under?

DM Murph: Under tables.

Beverly: Bullywugs and kobolds? Working together?!

Hardwon: Holy shit.

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: Or, not working together. The bullywu- yeah, they're fuckin', they're- we just- we're spying on a battle that's about to happen.

Beverly: Faction war, yeah.

Moonshine: Are we?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Okay, so I scurry back, and I'm still a giant spider? Oh, no, I can't talk to you guys when I'm a giant spider.

Beverly: Yeah, well-

Moonshine: "Ugh!" Shapeshift out, it's, again, really painful. You hear my bones reforming. It's so visceral. And then I tell you guys what I saw.

Beverly: Before you do that, I finish showing Hardwon the cat's cradle that I was teaching him.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Hardwon: [laughter] I am mildly impressed.

Beverly: "So then you, uh, you remove the middle finger, loop back the ring fingers, and- oh, she's back!"

Hardwon: “I can't believe this is the same kid-”

DM Murph: He's just loudly banging around while-

Hardwon: “-who collects fucking teeth.”

Moonshine: "So, yeah, I don't know if the bullywugs are- I don't know if this is a big siege that they're all workin' together, or if they're against each other."

Beverly: "There's bullywugs here, too?"

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Huh!"

Moonshine: "Hidin' in the dark chapel room."

Beverly: "Seems like a...some sort of faction war."

Hardwon: "I feel like we could just- can't we just hang out and wait and see what happens?"

Moonshine: "Would it be crazy to...I'd like to, like, get it started."

Beverly: "Ooh!"

Moonshine: "I wonder if..."

Beverly: "Spark the powder keg, yeah!"

Moonshine: "I wonder if I did some kind of ranged attack, if they would assume it was bullywugs, or somethin' like that."

Hardwon: "Cool. Yeah."

Moonshine: "Do you think that's worth it?"

Hardwon: "I think it's cool."

Beverly: "Do we have anything that would register as a bullywug weapon? Otherwise, they might be suspicious."

Moonshine: "Did we grab anything?"

Hardwon: "Oh, javelin. And spears."

Moonshine: "Oh my god, wait! Don't we- oh, no, you gave your bullywug thing away."

Beverly: "Oh, no."

Hardwon: "Let's do another bullywug mating call."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Turn this thing into a fuckin' orgy, baby!"

Moonshine: "Wait...maybe you should do a bullywug sound."

Hardwon: "That's what the Jamboreen's all about."

Moonshine: "[laughing] Not necessarily a mating call. Okay. Or we could just...I don't know. What do you guys think we should do?"

Hardwon: "I like the idea of killing one of these guys by the door."

Moonshine: "So are we gonna put- are we gonna train all three of our attacks on one guy, or are we gonna do, like, two on one and one on the other?"

Beverly: "I think we should probably try and take out both of them if possible, right?"

Hardwon: "Yeah. Same time."

Moonshine: Okay. Okay. So...I'm probably gonna use Ice Knife, and- are they within five feet of each other?

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: Then, if I hit, it would do damage on both of them, so I'll try Ice Knife.

Hardwon: Cool. I'll throw my throwin' axe at whichever one is slightly beefier.

[laughter]

Hardwon: If there's one guy that has bigger pecs?

DM Murph: Yeah, the one on the right looks like he does a lot of squats, and his ass is very plump.

Hardwon: So is mine, so I'm gonna go up to that dude.

DM Murph: Okay. So are you guys basically all throwing stuff at the same time?

Moonshine: Yeah, we're gonna do a 3-2-1.

DM Murph: All on the same guy, or on different guys?

Moonshine: No, no, no, I'm doing it on the other guy. The one with the less plump ass.

Beverly: Yeah. But he's also- yeah.

Hardwon: The one that does all vanity buffs.

DM Murph: Who's going plump ass, who's going no plump ass?

Moonshine: I'm gonna get the flattie.

Hardwon: I'm going plump ass.

DM Murph: Okay. Hardwon's on plump ass.

Beverly: I'll go big pecs.

DM Murph: Big pecs.

Moonshine: I'm on that flat ass.

DM Murph: On the flat ass. Okay. So Hardwon, go ahead and throw your axe at plump butt.

Hardwon: [dice rolling]

Moonshine: But we're doing this all simultaneously.

DM Murph: And roll with advantage, because you guys snuck up on these guys like crazy.

Hardwon: Hell yeah.

Moonshine: I got a 13 ranged attack.

DM Murph: You only got a 13. Okay. With advantage?

Beverly: 14. I got 14+5, so 19.

Moonshine: Yeah, with advantage.

Hardwon: Well, fuck my dick, I think I got a 9.

DM Murph: Okay, and you rolled two d20s and picked the higher one?

Moonshine: Did you roll twice?

Hardwon: Yeah, I did. And I rolled a 5 each time, frankly.

Moonshine: Cool. Are you using the right dice?

Hardwon: Oh, this is a d4.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Which is amazing that I rolled a 5.

Moonshine: I got 13.

DM Murph: Okay, and you're throwing an icy magic dagger?

Moonshine: It is a shard of ice, and I'm flingin' it.

Hardwon: Oh, wait, you know what? Technically, I got an 11, not a 9.

Moonshine: And hit or miss, the shard explodes, and each creature has to make a dexterity saving throw or get 2d6 cold damage.

Beverly: Good shit.

DM Murph: Okay, they failed their saves.

Beverly: Nice!

DM Murph: So everybody roll their damage, and then I'll tell you what happens. So, Hardwon, you missed-

Moonshine: But did I hit, did I-

DM Murph: You also missed also. With an 11, you miss.

Moonshine: But they each take 8 damage.

DM Murph: 8 damage.

Beverly: I got an 8.

DM Murph: You got an 8 damage. Awesome.

Moonshine: 8 icy damage.

Beverly: Ooh! And then, also, a javelin.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Hardwon throws his axe at the plump ass, but focuses a little too hard on the plump ass, and ends up throwing a little high.

Hardwon: As big as the ass is, I still miss the ass.

DM Murph: It clangs loudly against the wall. Beverly throws his javelin and does stab the other guy in his flat ass, and he goes, "Augh! Augh, what? What?"

Hardwon: It was such a small target!

[laughter]

DM Murph: As Moonshine is shocked at the hilarity of it and misses a little bit with her ice dagger, but it hits the wall and shatters, and you see icicles stick to these guys and hurt them, and they go, "Augh! Augh! They're behind us! They're not coming in the room, they're behind us!" Everybody roll initiative.

Moonshine: They didn't go down?

Beverly: I wonder- did they see us throw the weaponry, or could we, like...?

DM Murph: They did not see you throw the weaponry, they just got hit.

Moonshine: So if our initiative was, hypothetically, higher than theirs, we could try to hide?

DM Murph: You could. I suppose you also had a surprise round, so if you guys basically want to throw it, then go back into the swamp...

Hardwon: They didn't see us. Let's hide and see if we sparked a war between the bullywugs and the kobolds.

Moonshine: We hide, yeah.

Beverly: Okay, yeah. And then we'll...

DM Murph: So you guys are just going to go back in the water. Or are you guys going back in the forest? Where are you guys going?

Moonshine: Maybe we should go in the water.

Beverly: Should we duck behind a wall in the flooded room?

DM Murph: So you guys are gonna go to the right, into the flooded room.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah. Stealthing.

Hardwon: We still have +10 for our stealth check, right?

Moonshine: Yeah. We have it for, like, an hour.

DM Murph: Great. So you guys threw your stuff kind of as you were running over to the flooded room, so we'll say you didn't even have to roll initiative. That was just your surprise round. That was your action.

Hardwon: We created a diversion. Honestly, that's why I missed the dude.

[laughter]

DM Murph: You guys are just, like, "Wait, so are we running and throwing at the same time?" And Hardwon is just completely distracted and just clangs off the wall.

Moonshine: I do want to be trying to overhear.

DM Murph: Great. So you guys run over through the open doorway to the right, into the flooded room.

Beverly: Can I, real quick, if we're not in initiative anymore, can I do a quick glance to see if there are any bullywugs in the water, or would I know that?

DM Murph: You have to just get in the water if you're gonna- and you guys are gonna need to do stealth checks again in the water, because you guys are running.

Beverly: All right, cool.

DM Murph: You guys just threw stuff and are getting in the water.

Beverly: Love this water.

[dice rolling]

Hardwon: You know what, guys? I rolled a 1, but guess what? Hardwon done studied his character. Oh, wait, no, shit! I don't get...oh, no...

DM Murph: No, you don't get- that's just an automatic, that's a failure.

Hardwon: I studied my character, and I know that sucks!

Beverly: No, Hardwon, you studied my character. I get to reroll ones.

Hardwon: Lucky.

Moonshine: That was a 'watch this' moment.

Hardwon: That was.

DM Murph: Okay. Okay, so you guys-

Hardwon: "Watch. This."

Moonshine: [imitating Jake] 'You guys, I studied my character, and...'

DM Murph: And I failed bigtime.

Hardwon: Well, you know what? I actually have a +4 for Stealth, so that's a 5, and a +10, so that's 15.

DM Murph: My friend, you rolled a nat 1. You fell in that water.

Beverly: Oh, no!

DM Murph: Okay. So you guys-

Beverly: Jake's like, 'I studied for chemistry. What do you mean it's a math test?'

Moonshine: I'm still gonna-

DM Murph: Hardwon leads the way. Throws the axe. It clangs. He's so ashamed of himself that he keeps watching it, like a bowler who just threw really poorly, just hoping it'll turn at the last second and hit, as he falls into the water in the flooded room.

Moonshine: [laughing] My god, you're a fuckin' mess.

DM Murph: You see these two kobold big beefy dudes-

Hardwon: I'm an oaf. I'm a fuckin' oaf.

DM Murph: These two beefy dudes go, "Augh! Augh! They're behind us! They're not coming in this room, they're the other way!" Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: [Sarcastically] All right... Great job! Cool stealth!

Hardwon: Oooweee!

Moonshine: 17!

Hardwon: That’s 12.

Beverly: Uh oh, that’s a 6.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you act first. Hardwon just fell in the water, you’re standing in the doorway there, Beverly’s right behind you, and these two guys are at the doorway leading to the sleeping area, and they’ve turned and they’re looking at you.

Moonshine: Can I use my bonus action before my action?

DM Murph: You sure can.

Moonshine: [Excitedly] Okay, then I will Shillelagh-

Hardwon: Shillelagh up!

Moonshine: -my scimitar and I want to try to assassin-style grab one of them back with my shillelagh.

DM Murph: You wanna try to grapple one.

Moonshine: Mm, yeah I guess I don’t wanna fuckin’ do that... Okay, I’m just gonna fuckin’ attack ‘em.

DM Murph: [Laughing] Okay, Moonshine just runs up, crazed, and tries to smack them. Are you Symbiotic Entity or anything?

Moonshine: No, but I’ve still got my Halo of Spores even when I’m not.

DM Murph: Cool, do it up.

Beverly: Ooh!

Moonshine: That’s definitely gonna fuckin’ hit, that’s going to be a 23 because I’ve got Shillelagh.

DM Murph: Dope, are you going after no-ass or plump-ass?

Moonshine: I’m going after...

DM Murph: No-ass has been hit a little bit more, but they’re both still looking pretty healthy.

Hardwon: Both still looking pretty plump and firm.

Moonshine: Then I’m going after-

DM Murph: Still healthy rumps.

Moonshine: Then you know what? I’m still riding that flat ass.

Hardwon: Good, leave plump-ass for me.

DM Murph: All right.

Beverly: You’re in the water, dude.

Moonshine: I’m guessin’ 23 is gonna hit.

Hardwon: [Laughing] Face-down. Dead man’s float.

DM Murph: 23 hits.

Moonshine: And then I’m gonna hit him for 10.

Beverly: Ooh!

DM Murph: 10, dope.

Moonshine: And then I’m gonna Halo of Spores him for three more. So I hit him, and then smear some spores from my lip onto his lip.

DM Murph: Oh my god, you smack him with your shillelagh, you wipe spores in his face and he goes “Augh! What the hell’s wrong with you!?” And that is going to be those guys. So the one that you just Spored is going to swing at you with his sword.

Moonshine: Oh shit, y’all.

DM Murph: And he... is getting a 16 to hit.

Moonshine: [Pained] Ugh, that’s gonna hit.

DM Murph: That is only a 2. 2 damage.

Moonshine: Nice!

DM Murph: He swings again, he gets two attacks.

Moonshine: Oh, motherfucker.

DM Murph: And he’s gonna hit again... for 4 damage.

Moonshine: So he hit me for 6 total.

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: This other guy is going to disengage, he opens the door and runs back into the other room-

Hardwon: Fuck.

DM Murph: And he yells “Everybody! They’re in the front! They’re in the front!” And you hear everyone getting up and standing up.

Moonshine: Okay, we need to drag this guy into the water with us or something like that.

Beverly: Yeah, that’s smart.

DM Murph: That is going to be Hardwon.

Moonshine: Or maybe we just need to kill him. Let’s kill him.

Hardwon: Yeah, I’m gonna kill him and then everybody’s gonna have to get into the water.

Beverly: Murph?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: I just remembered something.

DM Murph: Mhm?

Beverly: Do I have my bullywug sleeping bag on me?

DM Murph: Uh... if you say that you brought your whole backpack on your mission instead of leaving it at the camp...

Beverly: As a standard-

DM Murph: Be an honest Green Teen, would you have left your sleeping bag at the camp?

Beverly: I think I would probably roll it up and put it with me in my backpack.

DM Murph: Okay. I think you’re a little stinker but I’ll believe you. I think you might get your lying badge, but...

Beverly: A Green Teen is always prepared.

DM Murph: Okay. So you’re gonna try and get in your bullywug sleeping bag and pretend to be a bullywug?

Beverly: Yup, that’s what’s going on.

Hardwon: And do your mating call?

DM Murph: Okay, wait for your turn but that’s insane. Okay. Hardwon, you’re up.

Hardwon: Cool.

Beverly: Yeah, do your dumb thing.

DM Murph: So, you’re in the doorway of this other room, you just splashed in the water and that’s what made them see you guys, well also you threw stuff at them, but...

Hardwon: Right. So one guy- flat-ass is still in the room?

DM Murph: Flat-ass is still in the room.

Hardwon: He’s hurt. And the other guy just ran into the room, where everybody is getting up.

DM Murph: [Simultaneously] The other guy off, and is... Then you hear loud yelling. You hear “What? What? They were supposed to come in this way! Oh, there’s Tim Horton’s, put it away, put it away! Put away the Tim Horton’s! I got coffee, ugh, the winged guy was supposed to find them and we were gonna get em, aw! Put the donut away, aw, I was just eating a donut, let me finish it-” [Eating noises] You hear one guy furiously trying to- “Don’t try to choke it down! You’re gonna choke man!”

Hadwon: “We gotta carb-o-load before the fight!” It’s the plump-ass dude.

Beverly: “Give me some of those holes!”

DM Murph: Yeah, the other guy just went in there and ate a lean piece of chicken. Go ahead Hardwon.

Hardwon: I think we gotta- I think we hide.

Moonshine: It’s too late for me.

Hardwon: Oh yeah, you’re...

DM Murph: Yeah, Moonshine’s out. Fighting is a matter of seconds, so the other guys in the other room are still going to have to get here, and they will still have to roll initiative and stuff.

Hardwon: Okay.

Moonshine: I also think we could hide if you kill him and then use your action to grab me.

Hardwon: Yeah, or if my- can I use- I'll kill him, I'm gonna kill him and use my action to shut the door. Can I shut the door? This dude just fuckin' barged in, right?

DM Murph: You can shut the door as a minor action.

Hardwon: Great. So I'm gonna swing at this flat-ass kobold with my axe.

Moonshine: This is all dependent on you killing him.

DM Murph: Swing at the flat-ass kobold.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] That is a...15.

Beverly: There you go!

DM Murph: That just hits.

Hardwon: God damn right it does!

DM Murph: Roll your d12. He's like, "You don't got shit on me, man! I do squats all the time, I swear to god! I don't just do curls! I don't just do curls!"

Hardwon: "You can't skip leg day, bitch!" Oh, hell yeah. That is a 14.

DM Murph: 14. You slash this dude, and he looks like he's gonna go down, but he's still barely alive. He just goes, "Fuck you, bro. I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass, man. Just fuckin' wait. Just wait."

Hardwon: [imitating the flat-ass kobold mockingly] "I have naturally skinny legs!"

[laughter]

Hardwon: But I still shut the door.

DM Murph: Great. So you close the door. And are you kind of standing up against the door?

Moonshine: I like that move.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm gonna try to hold the door.

DM Murph: Great. Not a bad idea, Hardwon.

Moonshine: That's good.

Beverly: He's just threateningly whispering how much he can deadlift.

DM Murph: Okay, Beverly, that's you.

Beverly: So are we-

DM Murph: You got one guy in your room that's on death's door, you've got Hardwon trying to hold the door shut, and you hear lots of guys arguing over Tim Hortons in the other room.

Beverly: Okay. [laughter]

DM Murph: [kobolds] "I want the last boston cream!"

Beverly: [As a kobold] "Give me the holes!"

DM Murph: "Just stop fuckin' eating, man!"

[laughter]

Beverly: I'm gonna pull out the sleeping bag and just kind of hold it up, and be, like, "What do you think?"

Moonshine: I'm gonna say, "Uh...I'd throw it on, but also hit this guy."

Beverly: "Okay."

Moonshine: "Can't hurt to throw it on, but this guy is on-"

DM Murph: I am going to say it is going to take a full action to put on a sleeping bag as a costume.

Hardwon: “Bev, they’re never gonna buy you as a bullywug, because you don’t have the teeth for it, I’m sorry to tell ya!”

Beverly: [distressed] “Dammit!”

[laughter]

Moonshine: “Oh, that’s a fair point.”

Beverly: “It’s true, my braces.”

DM Murph: [as kobold] “You haven’t been to the dentist, that doesn’t make any sense!”

Beverly: [laughs] What if we use this as a distraction, what if we like threw it out there?

Moonshine: “We’ve got this guy on death’s door -”

Beverly: “Yeah. Should we just kill him first?”

Moonshine: “I think so.”

Beverly: “Yeah, okay. Unless...maybe we can get some information out of him?”

Moonshine: “Sure, if that’s…”

Hardwon: These guys are pounding on the door, I don’t think there’s time to interrogate anybody.

Beverly: “Now may not be the time, it’s true.”

DM Murph: Okay, 3, 2, 1, what do you do?

Beverly: Okay, here’s what I do. I take my sword, I point it at his throat, and I say, [quiet, vaguely threatening] “What you’re gonna do is you’re gonna take this bullywug corpse, you’re gonna walk out there, and you’re gonna tell them that there’s no problem. And if you don’t, there’s gonna be a javelin through your throat in three seconds. Have a nice day!”

DM Murph: [nonplussed] “Uh...roll an intimidation check.”

Moonshine: I like this move! I’m into this!

Hardwon: Yeah, that was great!

Beverly: All right. That’s a 14, plus 6.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: [losing her mind laughing]

DM Murph: This dude goes, “Fuck man, this little guy is hardcore!”

Beverly: I lick the tip of my javelin.

DM Murph: “Oh my god, he’s fuckin’ weird, man, oh - you’re crazy, man! You want me to go in the fuckin’ other room, just - tell ‘em what? The other guys saw you, man! I mean, just give me your fucked up thing!”

Moonshine: “If you don’t -”

Beverly: “Tell them that this is the person that attacked, and that you killed him, and that there’s not a problem anymore.”

DM Murph: “Yeah, all right…”

Beverly: “The other people were just seeing things.”

DM Murph: “Okay.”

Beverly: “Look at this patch! [more aggressive] Look at this patch!”

DM Murph: “Yes, sir!”

Beverly: I point to my intimidation patch.

DM Murph: “You got it.” So he’s gonna walk over to the door. “Uh, excuse me -”

Hardwon: Hardwon is very impressed with Beverly.

Beverly: I have my javelin pointed right into his beautiful glute.

DM Murph: Are you...okay, so you’re right behind him?

Beverly: Yeah, I’m kind of following behind…

Moonshine: But don’t follow him in.

Beverly: I’m not following him in -

DM Murph: So you’re behind him, so you can stab him.

Beverly: Yeah. He’s gonna creak the door open, but I am in position to stab him if he makes the wrong move.

DM Murph: So he...cracks open the door and you see there’s kobolds already at the door, trying to get in, he’s like, “Stop guys, stop guys! It’s actually uh - everything’s all good out here.”

[eruption of laughter]

DM Murph: And then the other dude, who’s just like “The fuck are you talking about? I saw - there were three people, they were back there, man.”

[as the intimidated kobold] “No, man, everything’s fine.”

And you guys hear from above you, [bullywug yelling] “They’re here! The three of them are here!” And two bullywugs jump down - three bullywugs jump down from the second floor up at the chapel.

Beverly: Hell yes!

DM Murph: And try to swing on you guys.

Beverly: Wait, on us?

Moonshine: [groan of disappointment]

DM Murph: Why would you think they’re not working together? They were trading with each other.

Hardwon: They were trading arms! I thought there was a [grumbling].

Beverly: Ah, man. Alright. Our brilliant plan for a fucking coup.

DM Murph: All right, first one -

Hardwon: I thought we were gonna get to fight on the side of the bullywugs!

DM Murph: One of them crits.

Moonshine: Can Caldwell, like - can Beverly quick take an action, just poke him in the ass and see if it kills him?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can kill him, if you want. Stab him in his ass cheek and kill him.

Hardwon: His thin, little ass.

Moonshine: Just say ‘good work’ and then stab him to death.

Beverly: I say “asses to asses, dust to dust.” And then I kill him.

DM Murph: “Nooo!”

Hardwon: [mocking the kobold] “‘That was the last thing I’ll ever hear!’

DM Murph: He dies. This one guy- and you see these bullywugs have like fresh, new, awesome swords.

Hardwon: Of course they do.

Beverly: I wonder where they'd get those.

DM Murph: The one guy crits on Hardwon for... 12 damage.

Hardwon: [stretching out the pronunciation of “God”] Goddammnit.

Beverly: Love to get critted on.

DM Murph: The other one swings down on Beverly and misses, and the other guy hits you for 5, Moonshine.

Moonshine: "Oh y'all, this is not going our way!"

DM Murph: Okay. So now... there's kobolds now trying to rush in. You've killed this guy.

Hardwon: I'm still holding the door, right?

DM Murph: Yeah. You can, as like a minor action, slam the door back shut?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so you're just up against the door, holding it shut.

Hardwon: I'm trying to hold it shut so we can just fuck with these bullywugs first.

DM Murph: Great. Okay. So, Moonshine, that is you.

Moonshine: Oh, that's me?

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: How many bullywugs are with us?

DM Murph: Three.

Moonshine: Yeah, I'm just gonna swing my [pronouncing it ‘shillaylah’] Shillelagh scimitar at the one that crit.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: Actually, I'm gonna do it at the one that didn't crit.

Beverly: That one that didn't crit.

DM Murph: Okay, so the one that hit you?

Moonshine: Oh yeah! Do the one that hit me, bitch!

DM Murph: Yeah. Get some revenge. [echoing Moonshine’s incorrect pronunciation] Shillelagh him. [correcting himself] Shillelagh.

Moonshine: That's gonna be a 16.

Hardwon: Ayyy!

DM Murph: Oh, my- 16 to hit? That does hit, yeah.

Moonshine: Okay, that's gonna be-

DM Murph: Even with their beautiful new weapons.

Hardwon: And their pearly whites.

DM Murph: [as bullywug] "Do you like my new swooord?"

Beverly: [Sadly] "Yeah."

Moonshine: Then I'm gonna hit him for... 6.

DM Murph: You slash him across his chest and he goes "Ah, that hurt, but I'm still aliiiive!"

Moonshine: And then I'm gonna snot rocket some Spores into his open wound.

DM Murph: "Ohhhhh!"

Moonshine: For 3 more damage.

DM Murph: 3 more damage. He's still alive, but he's on death's door.

Moonshine: “That's right! That's where you belong. Sweeping death's door.”

DM Murph: That... is... going... that is going to be the strong ass kobold with the big butt.

Beverly: I killed him.

DM Murph: He is going to try to- there's two. No, you killed the flat ass.

Hardwon: I thought the other one was going to- But didn't the flat-ass one-

DM Murph: He ran.

Hardwon: We killed flat-ass but I thought big-ass one is locked in the room right now?

DM Murph: He is locked in the room but he's gonna try and ram through.

Moonshine: So, he's gonna try and-

Hardwon: Oh.

Beverly: Okay, yeah.

Hardwon: Good fucking luck!

DM Murph: So opposed strength against Hardwon. Hardwon, roll your strength.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Hardwon: I roll my fucking strength.... "Watch this"

DM Murph: [laughter] What'd you get?

Hardwon: You know what, buddy-

DM Murph: He only got a 7. What did you get on strength?

Hardwon: My strength is...

DM Murph: Should be, like, a plus 4. What did you roll?

Hardwon: Yeah it is plus 4. ['no big deal' high pitched faux nonchalance] I got a 21, man.

DM Murph: You got a 21?!

Moonshine: Woo!!!

Hardwon: I got a 21!

DM Murph: Dammn!

Hardwon: So, I do hope you were watching.

Moonshine: Moonshine goes "Sorry, what? What happened? Did you want me to do something?"

DM Murph: So you hear on the other side of the door "You fucking killed my bro, bro! I'm gonna fucking kill you, man!"

Hardwon: "You should have done some work on your biceps, brother!"

DM Murph: And then you just- the faintest little ding on the other side and he goes like "Ow, fuck! My shoulder, man. I just worked out!"

Hardwon: "Yeah, man."

DM Murph: "It's fucking shoulder day, dude. It's the only reason I can't get in."

Hardwon: "These are the quads you wish you had."

DM Murph: "That's the only reason I can't get in!"

Hardwon: "This is the core you can't contain!"

DM Murph: "That's the only reason I can't get in, bro!"

Moonshine: [laughing hysterically to herself] 'These are the quads you wish you had? This is the core you can't contain?"

DM Murph: So, Hard-

Moonshine: "I know, Hardwon, is that like your Green Teen creed?"

Hardwon: "As scoutmaster I've been coming up with my own."

Beverly: "I love it!"

DM Murph: Hardwon, that is-

Beverly: "We should do like a session sometime."

Hardwon: "I’d like that. Erlin and I were talking about some-"

DM Murph: Hardwon, that is your turn.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: So, you can move enough to take an action and you can still go back and I'll say you can still hold the door.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: ‘Cause you're right there.

Hardwon: I've got one foot on the door.

DM Murph: So, you've got one guy that's on death's door that Moonshine just hit, and you've got the guy in front of you that just hit you.

Hardwon: Yeah, the guy that crit before.

DM Murph: And the guy that was trying to hit Beverly but missed. And then we've got a lot of-

Hardwon: I'm gonna swing my great-axe at the dude that just hit me.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: Smart.

Hardwon: Fuckin' blade to the teeth. Here we go.

Moonshine: Oh yeahhh.

Hardwon: Okay, and that is- that's like a 22.

Beverly: Ayy!

DM Murph: Dope. You super hit.

Moonshine: Ooh!

DM Murph: Roll your damage. You didn't roll a 19, did you? ‘Cause you've got improved critical now.

Hardwon: Uh, no I got a- It was a 16.

DM Murph: Oh, 16. Still good. Still good.

Hardwon: Okay, that's 14.

DM Murph: He's super dead. Finish him.

Beverly: Yeees.

Moonshine: Yeaahhhh.

Hardwon: Nice. I'm winding up and just fucking axe through the teeth, teeth through the back of the head, followed by the blade of the axe.

DM Murph: Aw, man.

Beverly: Shattering them.

Hardwon: Cutting his teeth.

DM Murph: He just yells "No! I was so excited to make all these new frieeeends!”

[general, satisfied laughter]

DM Murph: Hardwon presses back up against the door. That is you, Bev. You got two bullywugs left: one who's on death's door and one who's right in front of you. I mean they're all close, so.

Beverly: If I have a vine spell that is supposed to work on foes-

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Could I use it to barricade a door?

DM Murph: [deliberating] Yeah, why not? You know what, I'll say if you use the attack to put vines on the door, I'll give Hardwon advantage on his strength checks against the other guy.

Beverly: Nice. All right I'm gonna Channel Divinity with Nature's Wrath, which allows me to [quoting] ‘invoke primeval forces to ensnare a foe’.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Hardwon: Cool.

Beverly: Yeah, as an action-

DM Murph: So, you do it as like on the door?

Beverly: Yep. Spectral vines to grab the door.

DM Murph: Beverly throws up some vines on the door.

Beverly: Mhmm.

Moonshine: "Oh Melora, that little one is just growin' up fast."

DM Murph: It mucks up Hardwon's pants a little bit.

Hardwon: "I had the door."

Beverly: I think the vines probably are a little handsy.

Hardwon: They tickle me.

DM Murph: Yeah, they're kinda pinching Hardwon's butt a little bit. That's your action.

Beverly: That's an action. Okay. As a bonus action, I'll cast Shield of Faith.

DM Murph: Great. On who?

Beverly: I will give it to Hardwon. Cool.

DM Murph: Hardwon you've got plus 2 AC.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: So your AC I think is 16, now it's 18.

Hardwon: Yep, he's given that to me before. Love it.

Beverly: And I guess that's my turn.

DM Murph: Great. That is the bullywugs. There are only 2 left. The one that just witnessed Beverly doing the vine thing is gonna swing at him.

Beverly: Did they think it was cool?

DM Murph: "Cool trick, man, but unfortunately I have to kill you now."

Beverly: "Fair."

Moonshine: "You know bullywugs-"

DM Murph: "I rolled a 1! Fuck meee!" He just looks at the vines. "Wow, cool vines, I wish I could swing on theeem!" And then he just wiffs while looking at the vines and thinking that they're cool. The other guys-

Moonshine: Everyone is very distracted today!

Beverly: Thinking about those vines.

DM Murph: The other guy swings at Moonshine-

Moonshine: Buds and vines.

DM Murph: Oh, and he dinks. He rolls a 3.

Beverly: Ha!

Moonshine: Yeahhhh!

DM Murph: They’re both just looking at the vines. "Did that vine just pinch your ass, man?"

Hardwon: You really should be focused right now.

Beverly: The vines wave at him.

DM Murph: Cool, so that is going to be the kobolds in the other room. They-

Moonshine: Now we got vines and Hardwon. Which is stronger? Who knows.

Beverly: Mhmm. Strong vines.

DM Murph: Cool, so-

Hardwon: My legs are trunks, so-

Moonshine: Trees and vines. It's a goddamn rainforest.

DM Murph: Cool, so Hardwon go ahead and roll with advantage. But these guys are also gonna roll with advantage because, let's see. Four of them are gonna try and ram into it.

Beverly: ‘Cause they're just all hyped up on Tim Hortons.

Hardwon: That's a nat 20!

DM Murph: Hooolyyy shit!

Hardwon: That's a nat 20!

Beverly and Moonshine: Woo!!!

Beverly: Jaunt, scream, and-

DM Murph: You feel-

Hardwon: "Come at my calves!"

DM Murph: You hear the beefy bro that was on the other side-

Moonshine: [laughing at Hardwon] 'Come at my calves.'

DM Murph: -the beefy bro that was on the other side yelling. You hear a couple of guys be, like, [inpatient whispers] "Get out of the way, man. Get out of the way" You hear four of them stampede at the same time. They hit the door. They break the door, it comes off its hinges. Hardwon holds it up and shoves it back in ,and it clicks back in the doorway.

Beverly: That's so good.

Hardwon: That's the Mason in me.

DM Murph: Cool. You do hear a couple kobolds trying to scramble up a wall and you see one winged kobold from the scout tower in front of you guys flies down into the room to join you guys, and the one that was staking out the back of the castle flies up on top of the wall.

Hardwon: Got it.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: In this room. So, he'll be able to attack you guys next turn. That is going to be Moonshine.

Moonshine: Do I see any of them on the rafters? Any of the kobolds on the rafters?

Hardwon: The winged-

DM Murph: There is a winged kobold up on one of the rafters.

Hardwon: The winged guy, yeah.

Moonshine: [disappointed] Aw, but he's got wings?

DM Murph: Yep.

Moonshine: All right, I'll let him be,

DM Murph: He does look like a little wiener though, if it helps.

Moonshine: He does?

DM Murph: He for sure looks like a wiener.

Moonshine: Then you know what I'm gonna do, is I’m gonna cast Chill Touch on that wiener up there.

DM Murph: You're gonna Chill Touch a wiener?

Moonshine: [laughing over her speech] I'm gonna Chill Touch a wiener.

Hardwon: It's about time. This entire podcast has been leading to this moment.

Beverly: This one line.

Moonshine: Yeah, so I've got 120ft, so-

DM Murph: Great, yeah, he's right there.

Moonshine: Mmm... is 11 gonna hit him?

DM Murph: 11...

Beverly: He is a wiener.

DM Murph: ...is...

Moonshine: Is it gonna Chilly Touch that wiener?

DM Murph: ... not gonna hit him.

Moonshine: So I don't hit but then I still say "I'm not done with you!" and I snot rocket some more Spores into the bullywugs gaping wounds.

DM Murph: He's dead. Finish him.

Moonshine: I just- I channel my aura into the Spores and I make them grow into a beautiful phosphorescent mushroom garden.

Beverly: Whoa.

Moonshine: And I say, "Death is beautiful, y'all."

Hardwon: "It really is."

Beverly: How much like-

DM Murph: [as dying bullywug] "This is beautiful, but it's in my bloodstreeeeam." and he explodes. Guts get all over Hardwon.

Hardwon: Awesome.

Beverly: You just Disneyland World of Color'd him.

DM Murph: Cool. That is going to be the kobold bro.

Beverly: Brobold.

DM Murph: The brobold.

Hardwon: [appreciative laughter] Brobold! Very good.

DM Murph: Who is going to-

Beverly: Is he- wait, is he naked as well?

DM Murph: Naked?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Oh, he's super naked.

Beverly: Okay, oh god.

DM Murph: He's super strong and super naked.

Beverly: Is that distracting?

DM Murph: Kablam style.

Beverly: Mhmm.

DM Murph: You guys remember Kablam?

[shocked, moderately confused laughter]

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: No one? No one?

Beverly: Super strong and super- no, I got ya.

DM Murph: Yeah, okay. All right.

Beverly: Action League Now, don't worry about it.

DM Murph: All right, strength check Hardwon. You got advantage, ‘cause you've got the vines there.

[rolls dice]

DM Murph: So roll again.

Hardwon: That's another nat 20.

Moonshine: What?!

DM Murph: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Hardwon: Goddamn dude!

DM Murph: Oh my goodness.

Beverly: I can't s-

DM Murph: Alright. This guy, you hear him walking back go, "Outta the way. Outta the way, pussies. Outta the way. Outta the way, you little fuckers."

Hardwon: Everyone hears this, and I just wink at Beverly.

DM Murph: [laughter] He goes [yelling] "I'm coming through!" and you feel a loud bang and then a bunch of other guys go [a little bit scared] "Oh my god, are you okay, man?" And you don't hear him respond.

Beverly: I flash Hardwon two thumbs up and I double wink, which is just closing your eyes.

DM Murph: Hardwon, that is actually your turn.

Hardwon: Sweet, I'm gonna- Can I throw my axe at the winged kobold on the wall?

DM Murph: You sure can.

Moonshine: Yeahhh!

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Get that wiener!

Hardwon: That is a... 18.

DM Murph: 18. That hits.

Moonshine: Hey, if you can't Chilly Touch a wiener, just fucking throw an axe at it.

Hardwon: Okay, and that is a-

DM Murph: So it's not gonna be a d12 to hit, ‘cause it's a throwing axe.

Hardwon: Oh, right. It's a d6. [faintly, searching away from mic] What's a d6?

Moonshine: d6 is a normal dice.

DM Murph: It just looks like a regular dice. [holding in laughter] It's the easiest one to find, man.

Hardwon: That's how big of a nerd I am now, I finally forgot what a regular dice is.

DM Murph: It's just Monopoly dice. We'll just call-

Hardwon: But that is the fall from grace isn't it?

Beverly: There's no coming back.

DM Murph: You're just in Vegas, you're in Vegas just like-

Moonshine: You're in Vegas just to-

DM Murph: You're playing craps, and you're like [mocking Jake] "Do we use a d8 for this?"

Hardwon: [joining in the self mockery] "So I was supposed to roll a 7, but is that off a d12 or what?"

DM Murph: "Is this like longsword damage? Or what is this?"

Hardwon: Oh, shit. That is a 9.

Moonshine: Ooh!

DM Murph: You fucking kill this dude just dead-eye. Just chuck it up after blocking this door.

Moonshine: Ooh, that's so awesome!

DM Murph: Hardwon is so fricking alpha right now.

Hardwon: I'm fucking- yeah, dude.

Moonshine: Does it- does he-

DM Murph: Just stops this dude, you hear this big bang-

Hardwon: It's whenever I meet somebody else with big quads, that's what it is.

DM Murph: Just moves back, still holding the door with his left hand. Right hand throws the throwing axe. Bang.

Hardwon: Can it boomerang fucking through his head and come back to me?

DM Murph: No, boomeranging is insane. I'm so sorry, I can't mother-

[crosstalk]

DM Murph: It can like hook. It starts to ho- you didn't get a nat 20!

Beverly: It definitely-

DM Murph: It starts to like hook around and you just hear a clang.

Hardwon: It almost comes back.

DM Murph: It clangs on the floor.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Where does he land? Where does the kobold land?

DM Murph: Oh, my goodness. Okay, so, the front of his face slides off as the axe goes through his eyes, and you see the back of his head goes into the sleeping area and the rest of his body plops forward, and he just unceremoniously plops in the middle of the room.

Moonshine: “Y'all I wanna steal his wings.”

Hardwon: Is it cool if I catch the front of his face that fell off and toss Beverly a small tooth?

DM Murph: His little head fell in the other room.

Hardwon: Ah, too bad. We'll find it later.

Moonshine: We'll find it later, don't worry.

DM Murph: Cool, that is-

Beverly: “You promise?”

Moonshine: “We'll get you that tooth belt you've been trying to make.”

DM Murph: That is you, Beverly.

Beverly: All right-

DM Murph: So, you've got one winged kobold in the room with you guys, and you've got one bullywug that's at full health.

Beverly: Okay, I wanna try something.

DM Murph: [exasperated laughter] Of course you do. Is it an attack?

Hardwon: He's got that look in his eye.

Moonshine: Such a powerful paladin, and yet-

Hardwon: He's too creative for his own good.

Moonshine: I know.

DM Murph: All right, now that we're in a war, I would like to wear a sleeping bag and say that I'm his friend.

Beverly: No, no, no, no, no. No no no. I want to go after the winged kobold.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: But I would like for Hardwon to throw me at it.

DM Murph: Oh.

Moonshine: I thought the winged kobold just got killed?

Beverly: There's two, right?

DM Murph: There's two winged kobolds. One came from the guard tower with bread.

Moonshine: Oh.

Beverly: I want to like get my sword out-

Hardwon: One of them is in the room with us, right?

DM Murph: One of them is in the room with you guys, yeah.

Hardwon: Right.

DM Murph: He flew down.

Beverly: I wanna get my sword out and try and do an aerial slash on this kobold.

Moonshine: I like that.

DM Murph: Okay, so you're gonna ready an action- you gotta ready an action until Hardwon's turn.

Beverly: [just incredibly determined] “Ready!”

DM Murph: Okay, so-

Moonshine: [laughing uncontrollably]

DM Murph: You just pull your sword up-

Beverly: [loud straining sound]

DM Murph: And this bullywug's just looking at you. He goes "The fuck are you doing, man? Focus up!"

Beverly: "I'm powering up!"

DM Murph: And he swings at you... and he crits.

Moonshine: Oooh!

Beverly: God fucking damnit!

Hardwon: It's funny when shit happens that we deserve, isn't it?

DM Murph: 11 damage.

Hardwon: Oh my god!

Beverly: No! This better be cool.

DM Murph: You could have killed him in one hit. You have all your spell slots back, you could have used Smite and shit.

Beverly: I didn't-

DM Murph: Anyway.

Beverly: All right.

DM Murph: That is the ko-

Hardwon: No, no, no. Beverly chose to go into a deep crouch.

[general laughter, both entertained and resigned]

DM Murph: That is the-

Moonshine: A deep, veiny crouch.

Beverly: Constant consequences.

Moonshine: I've never seen a youngin with such thick veins.

DM Murph: That is the kobold's turn. You do see, two of them get up to the top of the wall and try to jump down onto Hardwon. And they crit.

Beverly: What?!

Hardwon: [very deep voice] Oh, dear me.

Moonshine: Dang, everyone's slinging 20s today!

DM Murph: They don't hit for a lot though. They're- I am doing lot of 20s

Hardwon: Everyone's getting good rolls.

Beverly: Mom made dinner and the rolls are delicious.

DM Murph: ... Holy shit!

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: First guy does 11 damage.

Hardwon: What?!

DM Murph: The other guy's gonna swing...

Beverly: What's 32 minus 11? ‘Cause that's what-

DM Murph: And he misses big time. He rolled a 3.

Hardwon: Thank God.

DM Murph: He lands, and these guys are actually gonna take falling damage. They might fucking die, ‘cause they just jumped like thirty feet down.

Moonshine: Oh, that'd be awesome!

DM Murph: Oh my god! The guy who crits you, crits you because he fully suicide dives at you, and then he splats on the ground like a fucking cartoon.

Moonshine: I whisper to him "That was honestly a pretty noble death."

Hardwon: I kick a tooth towards Bev.

DM Murph: Great. Tooth flies over to Beverly.

Hardwon: Yoink.

Moonshine: Ping!

DM Murph: The other guy takes 2 damage. He's super hurt though. He like breaks a leg and he goes [screaming in pain] "Oh, why did I do that? Why did I do that? Why did I do that? I didn't need to be a hero. Guys, nobody else do that!" These other four kobolds on the other side of the door are gonna try to ram it, so give me another strength check.

Hardwon: Let's go, one more nat 20! That is a... 15.

DM Murph: 15. You hold it true.

Beverly: Hell yeah!

Moonshine: Yeahhhh!

DM Murph: You feel it bang-

Beverly: Hardwon holds true.

Hardwon: Damn right.

DM Murph: You feel them bang up against it, but you're able to hold it back. So, the winged kobold is gonna rush forward at Beverly, as Beverly stands there with a spear...

Beverly: Oh, come on!

DM Murph: ...and he hits.

Beverly: How much does he hit me for?

DM Murph: He hits you for 4 damage.

Beverly: All right, that's fine.

DM Murph: That is Moonshine.

Moonshine: Can I get on my belly and look under the door for line of sight so I can cast Earth Tremors?

DM Murph: [surprised] Yes, you can!

Moonshine: Okay, so I do a nice downward dog slink into place on the floor.

DM Murph: Okay, great. You can- you know what? Give me a perception check.

Moonshine: 9.

DM Murph: Yeah, you can see under.

Moonshine: Okay. And then I-

DM Murph: You can see the feet of several kobolds and you can see the big dude is like rubbing his head and getting up.

Moonshine: Well, I'm hoping to knock him back down with-

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: And then I cast Earth Tremors.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: They do dexterity saving throws.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: On a failed save, each creature takes 1d6- within that 10ft range, takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage and is knocked prone.

DM Murph: Okay, I'm gonna-

Moonshine: If the ground in that area is loose earth or stone, it becomes difficult terrain-

DM Murph: Okay, roll a d6, and we'll say that's the damage for all of them.

Hardwon: Dope, dude. Yeah.

DM Murph: And I'll let you know if they get hit or not.

Moonshine: [rolls dice]

DM Murph: 6!

Hardwon: Yup!

Moonshine: 6, bitch!

DM Murph: Nice. Let's see who passed their dexterity saving throws. So, first guy... passes. He gets out of the way just as the earth starts to shake. Second guy... fails. You see he falls and cracks his head Million Dollar Baby style and he's dead, he's gone. Third guy... saves. He jumps up. Other guy fails, he falls down and cracks his head and then the big, bro guy...

Moonshine: I just wanna knock him back down.

DM Murph: He's actually, I'll say he was getting up so I'll roll at disadvantage. He passed on the first one... and he rolled a 1 on the second one, so he'll take 6 damage so he falls back down as he's getting back up.

Moonshine: [Malicious cackle]

DM Murph: [confused beefy kobold] "Oh, what the fuck? Fucking cheat!"

Beverly: "Hardwon-"

Moonshine: And then I look back, is there a bullywug still alive? Oh, no.

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: It's the one that hit me.

DM Murph: There's the one that hit him.

Moonshine: But he's still got- I look at that kobold that landed on Hardwon and I Spores him.

Beverly: Spores!

Moonshine: 3 Spores.

DM Murph: Great. Okay, cool. He's dead. He's gone. He goes down.

Hardwon: Oh shit, what a waste of your being ready to be thrown in the air.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: No, no, no. There's still a winged kobold.

Beverly: There's still a winged-

Moonshine: Yeah, there's still a winged-

Beverly: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hardwon: Oh, I see. I get it.

DM Murph: Okay, great. That is-

Moonshine: I would never step on that move.

Beverly: Okay. I'm still doing a cool thing. I'm still gonna be cool!

Hardwon: [mocking Beverly] ‘I might die, but I’m gonna die with honor.’

DM Murph: Bro kobold's turn. He gets up, he tries to ram the door again. Strength check Hardwon.

Hardwon: [super confident] Come at me, dude! ...That time it was a 10.

DM Murph: Okay. He only rolled a 5.

Moonshine: Woo!

Hardwon: We're both losing steam but he lost more than me!

DM Murph: Yeah, just you hear him on the other side [exhausted whisper] "I'm gonna wear you the fuck out, bro. I'm gonna wear you the fuck out."

Beverly: I love this nemesis for Hardwon.

Hardwon: “You gotta caution against the hubris, bro.”

DM Murph: "No. I'm gonna get you. You seem fucking- I wish that- If things were different we would work out together, I feel. I respect you, [almost sobbing] but I hate you. I fucking hate you, man!"

Hardwon: Oh, he's losing it.

DM Murph: "This is just toxic. This is toxic masculinity is what this is, man. Just fucking let me in."

Hardwon: "You can't even grow a beard, dude."

DM Murph: "I was supposed to be the strong one!"

Moonshine: "Yeah. Keep shoving it back in his face."

Beverly: [hysterical laughter]

DM Murph: Okay. That is going to be... That is you, Hardwon. So, you can now throw Beverly if you would like.

Beverly: Please.

Hardwon: Sweet. I'm gonna toss the kid.

DM Murph: You toss the kid.

Beverly: Yes!

DM Murph: Bev, roll with advantage on an attack roll on this winged kobold.

Beverly: 19, let's see if I can do better... Okay, 19, plus 5.

DM Murph: You super hit.

Beverly: Yeahhhh! All right. I have my sword out, right?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Uh... 9.

DM Murph: 9 damage? He's dead. Winged kobold goes down.

Beverly: Yes!

Hardwon: Bye bye!

DM Murph: Finish him.

Beverly: All right, so-

DM Murph: And come down from the air. What happens?

Beverly: I'm up in the air. Is he just floating in the air or is he like on a rafter?

DM Murph: He was down on the ground. He was like waiting for you guys.

Moonshine: Skewer him like a kebab!

Beverly: If he was on the ground then Hardwon throws me and I just like kebab him.

DM Murph: Right before he dies he goes [lofty posh British accent] "Killed by an airborne enemy, how ironic. "

Hardwon: Dope. I like that.

Beverly: Yeah, and I do take one of his teeth.

DM Murph: You stab him through the head and rip out his tooth.

Beverly: He had a gold tooth, it was cool.

DM Murph: So, you guys are in an empty room. Moonshine is still looking under the door. You can see two kobolds, still kind of working, and you see the bro kobold is still just like panting up against the door and you also- go ahead and give me a perception check.

Moonshine: It's gonna be a nat 1.

DM Murph: Nat 1. Okay, you-

Moonshine: What do I see?

DM Murph: You see... there are some ants under there. Believe it or not, a lot of bugs get in here because-

Moonshine: "Y'all, we got an infestation. We got company."

DM Murph: There's no roof so, you know, bugs just get in.

Moonshine: I gather my picnic back into my pack.

DM Murph: You see some skeeters under there-

Moonshine: ‘Cause I ain't sharing.

DM Murph: Paw Paw eats a skeeter. You see he starts going [angrily] "reer reer". It like bit him on the tongue as he was going-

Moonshine: "Paw Paw! Paw Paw, this is not lunch time. It's battle time!"

DM Murph: "reer reer" He starts scratching. He scratches at his tongue with his little claws.

Moonshine: "Quit, you dirty beast!"

DM Murph: Oh wait, there’s still a bullywug in the room.

Beverly: Oh yeah.

DM Murph: Sorry, you guys still have one bullywug in the room with you guys.

Beverly: Uh-huh. And also a bunch of ants.

Hardwon: And he's almost dead, right?

DM Murph: He has actually not been hit. Beverly has just been ignoring him.

Beverly: Oh. Great.

Hardwon: Cool.

Moonshine: Okay. So, whose turn is it?

DM Murph: So, it is... now that bullywug's turn. He is going to now rush over to Bev-

Beverly: Like fun.

DM Murph: And he crits.

Beverly: Excuses me?!

DM Murph: I have fucking- I can't be- it's insane. I'm so sorry.

Hardwon: Damn! Why can't you be rolling for us?

Beverly: Okay. How much does he crit for?

DM Murph: I rolled bad on damage, so he only does 6 damage.

Beverly: Okay, great. So-

Moonshine: Bev, what are you at?

Beverly: I'm at...11.

Hardwon: Damn. I'm also pretty fucked up.

Beverly: Great.

Hardwon: I'm at 10.

DM Murph: This bullywug slashes you. Then that is back up to you, Moonshine.

Moonshine: Things are getting pretty serious here.

Beverly: Uh-huh.

Moonshine: I gotta look up a spell real quick.

Beverly: I really don't wanna have to like retreat to the Green Teens and sleep again, I don't wanna have to do that.

Hardwon: There's only four people left in this castle that we know of.

Beverly: That we know of.

Moonshine: Oh, we're definitely gonna have to retreat and sleep.

Hardwon: It's a ghost castle.

Moonshine: I'm going to- oh, this is a bonus action. Okay, so first I'm gonna take my Shillelagh and go after the bullywug.

DM Murph: The bullywug. Go for it.

Moonshine: And I say "Join your brothers, you family oriented piece of shit."

DM Murph: "You mean for like a Jamboreen?"

Moonshine: And I hit him for -. "Yeah. Yeah. The Final Jamboreen." And then I hit him for 18.

Hardwon: "In hell!"

DM Murph: 18 to hit?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: That hits. "Jamboreen in hell."

Moonshine: And then I hit him for... 10.

DM Murph: 10?

Beverly: It's fun, the bullywug-

DM Murph: He is on death's door.

Moonshine: And then I Spores him.

DM Murph: Oh! He's dead. Finish him.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: "Please have mercyyy!"

Moonshine: And then I just hock a loogie of spores in my hand and slap his face.

Hardwon: That's cool. Woop woop!

DM Murph: Oh my goodness.

Beverly: Join your brothers in the dark Jamboreen!

Moonshine: And then, as a bonus action I would like to cast my second level Healing Spirit.

Hardwon: Whoa.

DM Murph: Right.

Moonshine: Which is just gonna be in the corner of the room, and any time any of us goes there and enters that space, or starts a turn, we get 1d6 hit points back.

Beverly: Wow.

DM Murph: There's just a Healing Spirit?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Okay. What does it-

Moonshine: A Healing Spirit for- it's for a minute.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: So it's like for battle.

DM Murph: What's the spirit's name?

Moonshine: It's an effigy of Paw Paw. It's like a giant Paw Paw. It's a giant ghastly Paw Paw

DM Murph: Is it a giant Paw Paw though?

Beverly: Is it the Paw Paw from my dream?

Hardwon: Sweet, noble Paw Paw. Like a jacked Paw Paw.

DM Murph: It's a big, buff Paw Paw that says "Come to me if you need healing, Beverly."

Moonshine: And he's got like.

Hardwon: Beverly thinks he's dreaming again.

Beverly: "What's he talking about?"

Moonshine: He's got some like pregnant looking nipples that you can go- [cuts herself off with laughter].

DM Murph: Just buff, nippled Paw Paw. "Suck from my teats and be healed."

Hardwon: [as spectral PawPaw] "Nurse from my udders Beverly."

DM Murph: "Come, suck at my udders." [as Paw Paw] "Reer. Reer reer reer reer."

Moonshine: And then I'm gonna also run into the space and get a d6.

DM Murph: Cool. "Suck at my teats, mother."

Moonshine: "Thank you, Paw Paw"

DM Murph: Moonshine- you see Moonshine just fellate a giant buff possum's teat. And she looks better for it.

Moonshine: And I say "Y'all, the milk is warm!"

Hardwon: Hardwon is like "I might rather die. But thank you!"

Beverly: [laughing hysterically] “It's warm!” I rush- I guess, wait, it's not my turn, but I- I try to play it cool but I am gonna start sidling towards mega Paw Paw.

DM Murph: Cool. It's actually the kobold's turn, but you hear on the other side of the door the other guy go "Oh, hey. Hey bro! Can we- can we talk?"

Hardwon: Oh shit. I wanna- we can talk to this dude.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You hear whispers on the other side.

Moonshine: You can't exit combat. You guys gotta get some more healing. But okay, yeah. Play him. Play him.

Hardwon: "All right man, how much do you squat?"

DM Murph: "Can I be- can I be- Okay. Do you want me to be honest with you?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Okay. So, I'm only like 2ft tall and I only weigh 80lbs so I do like 110lbs, which is like, a lot more than my body weight, so you should respect that."

Hardwon: "That's awesome, man."

DM Murph: "Cool. Thanks. Cool. Cool."

Hardwon: "I do. I do. I do. I do."

DM Murph: "It means a lot that you do."

Hardwon: "All right. What else?"

DM Murph: "Okay, so. Check it out here. We're a pretty craven bunch. I don't… super wanna fight anymore. Okay, so, we knew you guys were coming back and you guys fucked up the bullywugs, you fucked up us so we said 'Hey, bullywug king, you can come live here, you can be our king' because you killed our other guy, so the bullywug king is fucking here, man, so if you guys just wanna like- he is hiding up in the tower, so I am willing to sell him out if you guys just let us open up the door and run off into the swamp."

Hardwon: "Tell you what. We're gonna let you live, but you gotta kill those other two kobolds with you."

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll a persuasion check.

Moonshine: Moonshine does a quiet, breathy "Y'all."

Hardwon: Let's just see what my persuasion thing is...

Beverly: "Oh my gosh."

Hardwon: 12?

DM Murph: Hardwon's- 12? Okay. Let me see what he rolls.

Beverly: Beverly is like watching Hardwon's muscles kinda flex involuntarily.

DM Murph: He rolled a 3. So, he is so easily convinced. He just goes like "Alright man, but you better get me the fuck out of this." and he goes like [louder, to the kobolds behind the door] "Hey, uh- Bill. Bill and Phil, guys-"

Beverly: Wait-

Hardwon: Bill and Phil? Yeah.

DM Murph: "Bill and Phil, guys-"

Hardwon: Do all the kobolds names rhyme?

DM Murph: "Guys, guys. Bill and Phil. You guys just turn around. If we can climb up the wall, they said they'll let us out- I'm so fuckin' sorry!" You just hear [guttural choking sounds]. "I'm sorry Bill, I'm sorry Bill." and you hear Phil being like "Dude, you just fucking killed Bill!" and he just stabs Phil too and then you hear silence. He goes "All right, man. We cool?"

Hardwon: Hardwon opens the door.

DM Murph: "All right, hey man, thanks."

Hardwon: I fucking dap this dude up.

DM Murph: They do like the Predator high five where they like clench hands. They're so muscular.

Beverly: Oh my god.

Hardwon: I had to get down on one knee to give it to him.

DM Murph: Just this little mini beefcake.

Hardwon: "I'm proud of you, little dude."

DM Murph: "Uh, thanks, man."

Hardwon: “This kid's a regular Derlin.”

Moonshine: "Y'all, before we completely exit combat, can y'all just come and get some healing milk?"

Hardwon: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Beverly: I run over.

DM Murph: "Do you guys mind-"

Hardwon: Since it happens for a minute-

DM Murph: "What's up with this healing milk?"

Hardwon: "You're not touching it."

DM Murph: "Do you guys mind if I- I can't get in on it?"

Moonshine: "Sorry."

DM Murph: "Are you sure?"

Moonshine: "Yeah. Aren't you lactose intolerant? "

Hardwon: "Oh wait, no. We should let him do it, ‘cause if he's gonna help us kill this bullywug king maybe we could let him in."

DM Murph: "I'm down. I actually- So here's the thing. You guys killed my whole family and I killed some of my family, so I'm lost out here man. "

Moonshine: Can I do a perception check to-

Hardwon: "Phil and Bill were your brothers?"

DM Murph: "They were just my friends, dude."

Beverly: Do you wanna do insight?

Moonshine: Yeah, I wanna do an insight check to find out if I-

DM Murph: Yeah, you- If you trust him?

Hardwon: If you trust this guy?

Beverly: I am-

Moonshine: ...9.

DM Murph: He just seems freaked out.

Beverly: Okay. I'm over at the teat and I'm like [mouth full] "What's going on? Who's this guy?"

DM Murph: "I was just wondering if I could have-" [as spectral Paw Paw] "Yes Beverly, suck from the teat of Pelor."

Beverly: [mouth still full] "Mmm, tastes like..."

Moonshine: [correcting Daddy Murphy] Melora! Melora!

Hardwon: I feel bad. I made him kill his two friends. I'm just gonna give him a tiny little taste.

Beverly: Yeah, just a little taste.

Hardwon: A Paw Paw taste.

Moonshine: Okay, maybe they can get a couple- ‘cause we have it for a minute, maybe they can get like one or two?

DM Murph: [as unnamed brobold] "Well, he has six nipples so maybe we all just hop on one, right?"

Beverly: "Yeah, I think that'll bring us closer together. It'll be team building."

DM Murph: "Mind if I hop on one?"

Hardwon: "Let's all go have a nice little orgy with Paw Paw real quick."

Moonshine: Yeah. I think all of the DMs they hel-

DM Murph: So real Paw Paw also drinks from phantom Paw Paw's milk. You guys all drink-

Moonshine: "Paw Paw, quick being greedy, you're drinkin' too much." And then I'm gonna- and then once, at some point, I'm gonna slap the kobold's face away so that he doesn't get as much as the rest of us.

DM Murph: Okay. He's really ravenously going at it he's like, "There's a lot of protein in this. There's a lot of protein in this, bro."

Hardwon: He has sharp teeth so you gotta be careful.

DM Murph: [as deadpan spectral Paw Paw] "Ow. Ow. Stop."

Hardwon: [ as brobold] "This is like a pow- this is like a muscle milk."

DM Murph: "What is this little dragon rat doing at my nip. Get him off."

Moonshine: I slap him. I slap him. I say-

DM Murph: After you slap him away-

Hardwon: "Do you have the cookies and cream one?"

DM Murph: Sorry, yeah.

Moonshine: "Git. Git, little lizard man!"

DM Murph: [as brobold] "Mine tasted like mint, dude."

Beverly: "Mine was raspberry. Yeah. What's your name?"

DM Murph: "It's like whatever we imagine."

Beverly: “Hey, what’s your name, bud?”

DM Murph: "My name's Josh."

Beverly: "Hey Josh, I'm Beverly."

DM Murph: "Nice to meet you."

Hardwon: "Phil, Lil, Bill, Josh."

DM Murph: "Guys, you know what? I feel like you’re my new family and I say that because you killed my family and I don't have a family now."

Beverly: "That's fair. That's equivalent."

Hardwon: "Sweet, man."

Moonshine: "Sure Josh, why don't you prove your worth before you start making declarations."

Hardwon: "Take us to the king."

Moonshine: "Take us to the king and you lead the way."

DM Murph: "Uh, yes ma'am." You guys suddenly hear-

Moonshine: We're still stealthing.

DM Murph: You're still stealthing.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Do we- what health restoration do we get? 1d6?

DM Murph: Was it a d6 from the milk?

Moonshine: So it's a d6, but can we get like a little more?

Hardwon: Which one's the d6?

DM Murph: Yeah, ‘cause you guys did it out of combat so you got a couple rounds of it.

Beverly: Oh, nice.

DM Murph: So, how long does it last?

Moonshine: It lasts for a minute.

DM Murph: Oh, dope. Okay so that's like ten rounds so you guys are just sucking at this teat for like a minute?

Beverly: Oh, so we're just full health?

DM Murph: If you guys suck at this teat for a full minute-

Beverly: No breaths!

DM Murph: And we just stay here making teat sucking sounds for a full minute, you guys can have full health back.

[a brief period of genuinely upsetting, heavy teat sucking noises]

Beverly: We got- no, we have full stealth, we are stealthily slurping the teat.

Hardwon: I'm making a beer bonging this teat.

D [as spectral PawPaw] "Oy, stop nibbling! Do not nibble! Mother! Mother, this hurts!"

Moonshine: "It's crunchy! It's crunchy!"

Hardwon: "Someone's doing it sensually!"

DM Murph: "Stop. Okay, you over there. Cut it out."

Hardwon: The kobold is just flicking his tongue at it.

DM Murph: Okay. You guys suck this milk for full health. You suddenly hear like a splash like somebody jumped out of the tower out back.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: "Oh, he might've- he's turning tail and running."

Beverly: "Oh no, we're-"

Hardwon: "Is that the king?"

DM Murph: "That's the fricking king. He had a guy with him, too."

Moonshine: "Well, if you want family you better go get him, huh."

Hardwon: "Let's all go."

Moonshine: "You better earn your milk! You gotta earn your milk."

Beverly: "Let's freaking go!"

DM Murph: "You guys wanna go? All right. Pound it up. Pound it up!" He holds a fist up for you guys.

Hardwon: I freaking dap.

Beverly: I dap.

Hardwon: Tiny little pound.

DM Murph: Okay. Josh leads you guys-

Moonshine: I give him a thumbs up. My third thumbs up.

DM Murph: Josh leads you guys through the door. You guys run through the sleeping area. Josh leads the way. You guys go up into the tower and go up the spiral staircase. You get up to the top. This tower doesn't have a roof. It's open air. You look around and you see dragon bones lining the wall, and a small pile of treasure. It looks like the old adventurers maybe weren't able to carry everything when they killed the dragon, so there's still treasure there. You also see a crick bullywug tied-

Beverly: No!

DM Murph: Tied to the dragon bones

Moonshine: Oh my Melora!

DM Murph: And he just goes. [soft southern hick accent, very hospitable] "Oh hey y'all, if I knew people were coming I woulda made lunch. Just kiddin', just kiddin'. I've been kidnapped. I'm a victim here."

Moonshine: "Well, look at you! How'd you stray so far from The Crick?"

DM Murph: "What? Are you from The Crick?"

Moonshine: "I am from The Crick!"

DM Murph: "How'd you get all the way out here from The Crick?"

Moonshine: "Sure as the jambalaya is a-steamin'"

DM Murph: "Oh there is jambalaya! You know what, could you do me a favor and untie- you know it's so nice to finally meet some people with some hospitality around here."

Hardwon: We're gonna untie- I wish I had some-

Moonshine: I say that too.

DM Murph: "Oh, did you see the king? He just jumped off the tower into the water."

Hardwon: "He did. Yeah, we saw that guy"

DM Murph: "Oh, he's just swimmin' out there. Look at him! He's just swimmin' away."

Hardwon: "Hey, you're gonna have to be quiet, boy."

Moonshine: "Oh lord."

DM Murph: "You want me to just be quiet? Okay." You see Josh turns to you guys [as a confused Josh] "Do you guys know this guy?"

Moonshine: I throw Josh down toward [breaks down into laughter]-

DM Murph: [increasingly distant] "Fucked uuuuuup!"

Moonshine: To try and hit the [truly cannot stop laughing]-

DM Murph: You do this- [laughter]- the bullywug king is so far away! The bullywug is like swimming like real far.

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: Josh- let me actually roll to see- So you hear him just yell "Fucked uuuuuup!" [splash] and then silence, and then you just see a little dragon body just float up to the surface.

Beverly: "What the fuck!?! Moonshine?!?"

Moonshine: "I thought I was gonna hit the king!"

Beverly: "You killed Josh!"

Hardwon: "You killed Josh, man!"

DM Murph: [crick bullywug pipes in, disappointed] "Oh, you killed Josh, there!"

Moonshine: "You liked Josh, too?"

DM Murph: "Oh, I don't know Josh. Actually, he kicked me when I came in! He didn't have good hospitality. He was a bad guy"

Beverly: "Yeah, all right."

Hardwon: "All right. He deserved to die. He deserved to die."

Moonshine: "I did not mean to kill him. I was tryin' to get that king bullywug."

Hardwon: "That's cool."

Beverly: "Should we go after the king?"

Moonshine: "Hey, does the king bullywug have the dragon egg, Crick bullywug?"

Hardwon: "Yeah, the dragon egg's not in this room right now, right?

DM Murph: "Oh, I didn't know there was a dragon egg!"

Hardwon: "You are so unhelpful. But you're so goddamn hospitable."

Beverly: "You know who probably-"

DM Murph: "You don't have any hospitality. Let me talk to you." He turns over to Moonshine.

Moonshine: "Oh yeah?"

DM Murph: "Hi, how are you? It's so good to see-"

Moonshine: "I am f- I- you know what? It's actually been a pretty nice day."

DM Murph: "Is it?"

Moonshine: "Did you see the sunset?"

DM Murph: "Do you wanna wrassle?"

Moonshine: "Yes, I'd love to."

DM Murph: "Crick bullywugs love to wrassle. Could you untie-"

Hardwon: "No time for wrestling ‘cause someone just made off with the dragon's egg"

DM Murph: "Someone- Oh, the bullywugs didn't have a dragon’s egg."

Hardwon: "They did not?"

Beverly: "They might."

DM Murph: "No, no, no."

Moonshine: "So it's still in here!"

DM Murph: "Well I was with- okay, so. Here's what happened. So, the bullywugs turned out they're kinda bullies. They're bullywugs, right?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "That's where the name comes from."

DM Murph: "Crick bullywugs though, we got hospitality. We'll wrestle, kinda run around, have a little fun, but we just like to have some fun down at The Crick."

Moonshine: "Yeah. Sometimes you'll sneak in with someone's-"

DM Murph: You see he's a lot shorter than a normal bullywug. He's about knee high.

Hardwon: And how are his teeth?

DM Murph: "You know we only come up about knee high." His teeth are fucked up.

Beverly: Oh no!

Hardwon: Beverly-

Moonshine: Now that-

DM Murph: "You know, we don't floss like these bullywugs. Anyway, so somethin' ain't right at The Crick, so me and a few of my friends came out here in the swamp. Me and my daddy and stuff, but a troll kicked my dad! Yeah, my dad died."

Moonshine: "A troll kicked your dad?"

DM Murph: "He kicked my dad! So, you know, somethin' ain't right-"

Moonshine: "Did he kick him dead? Did he kill him?"

DM Murph: "He kicked him dead! He's dead!"

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora!"

Beverly: "Oh Jeez."

DM Murph: "He's dead. Me and some of the other Crick bullywugs were waitin' around, waitin' for the troll to fall asleep so we could get him, so we could get him back for kickin' my dad, but then he woke up and he just kicked some of my friends and you know some of 'em-"

Hardwon: "So, all your friends are dead, right now?"

DM Murph: "Some of my friends are dead. A lot of them are dead. You know, some of 'em are still out there, but you know I got capt-"

Moonshine: "Paw Paw. Paw Paw. Okay, hush up now."

DM Murph: "Okay."

Moonshine: "Hush up, Crick bullywug"

DM Murph: "Okay. You got it. All right."

Moonshine: "You're goin' a mile a minute and I understand that life is excitin', worth havin' a good time, but sometimes-"

DM Murph: "I'm just so happy to see some nice folks around here."

Moonshine: "So Paw Paw, first off, go chew that Crick bullywug free."

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw] "reeereeerererrerrerer" You see Paw Paw, almost out of habit, goes to start wrestling him and he goes [as excited Crick bullywug] "Oh, this is fun! I like this little guy. He's nice. He's nice, he’s nice!"

Moonshine: "He is nice. You two rassle a bit."

DM Murph: "Oh we rassle!"

Hardwon: Can this guy ride Paw Paw?

DM Murph: He chews him out- no. He's not- he's bigger than Paw Paw. He's like 2ft tall, he's about knee high, you know.

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Paw Paw's not knee high.

Beverly: I think Beverly resents not being the cutest member of the group anymore.

DM Murph: Yeah, he's this little, orange bullywug that's like 2 feet tall.

Beverly: He's got big, rosy cheeks.

Hardwon: Aw, sweet!

DM Murph: "How ya doin' y'all? My name's Jonah."

Hardwon: "Hey, Jonah."

DM Murph: "Nice to meet you"

Hardwon: "Yeah, I'm Hardwon Surefoot. Nice to meet you."

Moonshine: "Hey, Jonah."

DM Murph: "Okay."

Beverly: "Just keep your mouth closed. You're just like-"

DM Murph: "So I was- I was out here with my family, I went out to get some bugs. We go- you know, we like to eat flies and such, so-"

Beverly: "We get it."

Moonshine: "Mmm, sounds delicious."

DM Murph: "I'm goin' out to get myself a snack. Day after, my daddy gets kicked to death, right, and several of my other friends get kicked to death."

Hardwon: "Yeah, right. We remember."

Moonshine: "Kicked to death by a troll. "

DM Murph: "You know, somethin' ain't right at The Crick, but seems like somethin' ain't right everywhere these days, is what I would say."

Hardwon: "Yep!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, somethin' ain't right all over Bahumia!

DM Murph: "So these bullywugs, they go [imitating bullywugs froggy voices] 'Oh, I'm gonna make you go out and do work for us! You're gonna catch us flies and stuff!' and I say 'Flies? You want me to catch a fly with my tongue, and then put a fly in your mouth? That is disgusting!' So, you know, they started tying me up. They started tying me up and dragging me around-"

Hardwon: "That's too bad. Can we skip to the dragon's egg?”

Beverly: "He doesn't know anything."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I let-"

DM Murph: "I don't know what you're talkin' about, about a dragon's egg."

Moonshine: "Okay, Jonah."

DM Murph: "I can tell you what I know."

Hardwon: "Okay, yeah. Go for it Jonah."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "So I was gettin' dragged around by these bullywugs. They got no hospitality, let me tell you that."

Hardwon: "I know."

Moonshine: "Ugh, I hate it. I hate it."

DM Murph: "So, they draggin' me around, right? So y'all must ha- Y'all were the ones that killed a bunch of them the other day, right?"

Hardwon: "Correct."

Beverly: "It's true."

Moonshine: [Bashfully] "Yes. Guilty as charged."

DM Murph: "Oh, that's nice o' you. ‘Cause I did not like them. They had no hospitality. So, they were actually planning on going to that, they were talkin' about the bay? They were gonna steal the staff from the bay, right?"

Beverly: "What?"

Hardwon: "The bullywugs wanted to steal the staff from the bay?"

DM Murph: "The bullywugs wanted to get some weapons, so they wanted to go to Moonstone so that they can, you know-"

Hardwon: "Take the trident."

Beverly: "Oh my gosh. This is-"

DM Murph: "Yeah, so they could take that little trident there."

Moonshine: “Melora! That would be-"

DM Murph: "So they were gonna take that, but then - so the kobolds, you know, they had lots of weapons and stuff, ‘cause they used to have the dragon here. Dragon would give them stuff and such, is what I hear, you know, just kinda the gossip around the swamp."

Moonshine: "Oh, I love chattin'."

DM Murph: "Been out here a couple of days now, 'fore my daddy got kicked by a troll."

Hardwon: "Well remembered."

Beverly: I just want the record to show that Beverly does not like Jonah.

[laughter]

Hardwon: A lot of animosity.

DM Murph: "So the winged kobold shows up and he says that the bullywug king could be the new king of the kobolds and that they had a special sword for him."

Moonshine: "Oh. Did he run away with that sword, then?"

DM Murph: "So, he came. Bullywug picked up that sword and that sword... did not have good hospitality, I tell you what."

Moonshine: "Oh, it had some of that bad stink?"

DM Murph: "Some o' that bad juju. Some of that baaad juju."

Moonshine: "That baaaaad stink."

Beverly: "Would you say it was a cursed sword?"

DM Murph: "I would say so."

Hardwon: "Okay."

Beverly: "Uh-huh. Yeah."

DM Murph: "Kinda reminds me of some of the stuff that's goin' on in The Crick."

Beverly: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "There's some bad juju down at The Crick. What's- well we can talk about that later. We'll talk about that later."

Hardwon: "Do you know what's amiss at The Crick?"

DM Murph: "So I'll tell you somethin'. Somethin' ain't right. I was out there. My uncle-cousin-"

Hardwon: "Which one?"

DM Murph: "My uncle-cousin."

Moonshine: "Oh, I know him."

DM Murph: "The one-"

Moonshine: "I know him. Jebediah?"

DM Murph: "Jebediah, the Crick bullywug, right. He drank some Crick water he turned into a froghemoth. Just a big old frog monster. I had to kick him to death."

Hardwon: "No way!"

Moonshine: "You kick him dead?"

Hardwon: "That's not hospitable."

DM Murph: "That's not hospitable, you know, but he ate my cousin-nephew, so."

Hardwon: [confused laughter] "So... that's not hospitable either."

Moonshine: "You know, that's so interesting to hear because Crick water, as everyone knows, is highly caffeinated and a little bit alcoholic, but I never heard of it turning anyone into ‘hemoths."

DM Murph: "So they just mentioned to us that there was the sword. They didn't say anything about the egg."

Moonshine: "Okay, so we'll do- we'll look for the egg around here."

DM Murph: "But you guys are- you know what, why don't we help ourselves to this treasure here, ‘cause there is a lot of treasure."

Moonshine: "Oh, yeah!"

DM Murph: "Bullywug did grab some of the gold and jumped into the water with it. I don't know-"

Hardwon: "The bullywug king ran off with..."

Moonshine: "With the sword."

Beverly: "With the sword."

Hardwon: "With the sword and a kobold, or anybody else?"

DM Murph: "Well he grabbed a nice shield out of here. There was kind of a cool looking shield. It was shiny, it was nice."

Beverly: "Ah, man! That does sound cool."

Moonshine: "I'mma start-"

DM Murph: "He also had a cool cloak. It was a nice, red cloak."

Moonshine: "Imma start pickin' up some treasure. Imma start pickin' up some treasure."

DM Murph: Picking up some treasure?

Beverly: Can we- yeah, can we look around the room?

DM Murph: You look through the treasure, you guys spend some time taking all the treasure.

Moonshine: I'm kicking around.

DM Murph: You guys get 120 gold, 390 silver, 453 copper-

Beverly: Hold on. Shit.

DM Murph: Hardwon, you find in there two masterwork throwing axes. Like, two really well-made throwing axes, those are plus 1.

Hardwon: Good thing that boomerang shit didn't come back to me. I got a new throwing axe now.

DM Murph: You guys find these green, really lightweight boots. These are Boots of Elvenkind. They give you advantage on stealth rolls.

Beverly: Oooh.

Moonshine: "Y'all, I think these might be my size."

DM Murph: You also find a beautiful oak fiddle-

Beverly: Oh, my god.

DM Murph: That says 'Ol’ Betsy' written on it.

Beverly: [hysterical laughter]

Hardwon: Old Betsy?

DM Murph: Ol' Betsy.

Moonshine: [excitedly] Ol' Betsy!

Beverly: Ol' Betsy.

Moonshine: I play the strings and they're very out of tune, and I say, "That sounds niiice."

Beverly: With my violin appreciation merit patch, I can-

Hardwon: That just means you like violin?

Beverly: Yeah, no, I can tell that this is a good violin.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: You see Jonah starts slapping his knee. "Are we havin' a Jamboreen now?"

Beverly: I put my hand on his arm.

Moonshine: "Jonah, I am so sorry but the Jamboreen is-"

Hardwon: Beverly finally says that the Jamboreen is cancelled.

Moonshine: "The Jamboreen is currently cancelled."

DM Murph: "Which Jamboreen are you talkin' about, ‘cause I'm just talkin' about any Jamboreen."

Hardwon: "All Jamboreens are postponed."

Beverly: "I love your-”

DM Murph: "When you're with your friends, it's always a Jamboreen." So as Jonah's doing this, Beverly you- as you guys are collecting the gold and stuff, something catches your eye. You pick up what you think is a gold piece, but it is an amulet... of Pelor.

Beverly: [gasp]

DM Murph: It has a sunburst-

Beverly: "I know this sigil."

DM Murph: With a- it has a gold chain, and then it's a big platinum, circular, it looks like a locket, almost and at the front is a sunburst. And you pick it up, and as soon as you pick it up, you recognise it as being Thiala's necklace.

Beverly: [whispers] "Guys." ... [shouts excitedly] "Guys!"

Hardwon: [gasp]

Beverly: "This necklace!"

Moonshine: "Oh! Woah, scared the shit outta me.

Beverly: "Sorry."

DM Murph: From the poster on your wall.

Beverly: [with reverence] "This is Thiala's necklace. It's a holy relic."

DM Murph: And you see, as you say that, it cracks.

Moonshine: "What does that mean?"

Beverly: "Shit. I can fix this!"

DM Murph: That's where we'll end our session!

Moonshine: Whoaaaa!

Hardwon: Holy shit!

Beverly: Oh man!

DM Murph: That was a fun one guys. All right, uh-

Beverly: That was great!

Hardwon: Thiala's necklace!

DM Murph: Thiala's necklace. Guys-

Moonshine: Does the Ol’ Betsy fiddle do anything?

Hardwon: It fiddles.

DM Murph: Uh... it's a fiddle.

Beverly: [southern accent] It fiddles real good.

DM Murph: You'll have to check it out next time!

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: Okay guys, check out our subreddit /r/NotAnotherDNDPodcast.

Hardwon: We're in there.

DM Murph: Yeah, guys, at the end of the episode we always do shoutouts in character, so rate the show, give us 5 stars, and request which character you want a shoutout from, and we'll shout you out at the end of the show, it's really fun.

Beverly: Yeah!

Hardwon: Easy enough.

DM Murph: Follow us on twitter @JakeHurwitz, @eaxford. @caldy, @chmurph is me. Buy our book! Emily and I have a satirical relationship advice book out called 'HEY, U UP?: How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact', available on Amazon.

Moonshine: It's a very different kind of humor from this.

DM Murph: A little bit. There's no D&D.

Moonshine: Wouldn't it be fun to see different sides of everyone?

Beverly: There is a fantasy map in it though.

Moonshine: That's true.

Beverly: It's beautifully illustrated.

DM Murph: There is a fantasy map in it.

Moonshine: That's true, though.

DM Murph: There are a few references to Lord of the Rings, because... how could we not?

Hardwon: Yeah, dude. Aragorn and Arwen. Is there a more pure relationship?

Moonshine: No.

DM Murph: Listen to 'If I Were You', watch Drawfee: youtube.com/drawfee and check out 8-Bit Book Club with me, Emily and Caldwell.

Beverly: Yeah! Tweet about the show using #NADDPOD.

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: P.O.D, baby.

All: [singing] We are we are, the youth of the nation. We are we are... [fades out]