Frog King's Revenge

The almost-heroes have free rein of the castle now that the kobolds have been chased out, but the threat of the bullywug king still looms! Hardwon races to save the Green Teens while Beverly and Moonshine search for the dragon's egg. Jonah the Crick Bullywug and PawPaw wrestle.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This... is Not Another D&D Podcast. Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. I’m your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz-

Hardwon: “Hardwon Surefoot!”

DM Murph: Emily Axford-

Moonshine: “Moonshine Cybin, clockin’ in.”

DM Murph: And-

Hardwon: [Laughing] For business!

DM Murph: Caldwell Tanner.

Moonshine: [Laughing] “Clockin’ in for business!”

Beverly: “Beverly Toegold, reporting for duty. RIP Josh.”

DM Murph: Oh yeah, Josh guys - we lost him.

Hardwon: RIP Josh.

DM Murph: I realized Josh got kinda fucked over, ‘cause he should’ve gotten some HP back from sucking on Paw Paw’s teat?

Beverly: Right.

Hardwon: Oh!

Beverly: If Moonshine had let him do him a full suck, he would’ve survived the fall.

DM Murph: You know, he didn’t get a full suck, so we’ll say he probably only got a couple HP back.

Moonshine: I did slap - I did slap that greedy little maw away from my Paw.

Hardwon: It’s like you knew even then that you wanted to kill him.

DM Murph: He was nibbling a bit. He was nibbling a bit.

Moonshine: I didn’t trust him!

Hardwon: He wasn’t trustworthy, I mean, he murdered his friends.

DM Murph: He did murder his friends at the drop of a hat.

Moonshine: I’ll tell you what, I would not have asked him to watch my pot of stew.

Beverly: This is exactly like that Simpsons scene where Homer shoves the sheep away for the cuter sheep, because we had this really cool little lizard friend, and then Emily saw the Crick bullywug and was like, ‘Yes! Get this piece of shit out of here!’.

DM Murph: Let’s do a recap from last time. So last time you snuck into the sunken keep, saw that the kobolds and the bullywugs were working together and trying to ambush you, but you ambushed them. Hardwon held the door shut so that the kobolds couldn’t get to you while you executed the bullywugs. Some kobolds did get over the wall, but you quickly dispatched them-

Hardwon: No problem!

DM Murph: -the only kobold that was left at the end was a buff kobold named Josh, who was such a bastard that he killed his friends just so you’d let him live.

Moonshine: See, that’s why you don’t trust him.

DM Murph: He wasn’t a great guy, but he was a bro!

Moonshine: All you had to do was roll a 12 persuasion for him to kill his friends.

Hardwon: Yeah, that was pretty easy.

Beverly: Brobold.

Hardwon: It’s like he wanted to do it a little anyway.

Beverly: Brobolds are so gold when it comes to friendship. That’s a Green Teen Saying.

Moonshine: Brobolds.

Hardwon: Truth be told.

DM Murph: Brobolds are so gold.

[laughter]

DM Murph: So Josh explained to you guys, before he was killed, that the kobolds gave the bullywug king a sword in exchange for working with them, but now that both the kobolds and the bullywugs were pretty much dead, the king bullywug jumped out of the tower and fled. You heard him splash into the water. You guys then went up into that tower and Moonshine pushed Josh out.

Moonshine: No-no-no! You’re rewriting history. I threw Josh at the bullywug king.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: So you tried to hit him but he’s a frog, he swims so fast.

Moonshine: I would argue I dispatched Josh.

DM Murph: Cool. You also didn’t really-

Hardwon: He said he was gonna help kill the king!

Moonshine: Yep!

DM Murph: You never looked for any kind of perception check or anything like that, you just grabbed him by his butt and just tossed him right out.

Beverly: Go get ‘em!

Moonshine: [laughter] His plump rump!

Hardwon: His plump rump.

Moonshine: [laughter] His plump rump!

DM Murph: Then you guys tossed him by his plump rump out of the tower. You heard a splash and then his body floated to the surface. RIP our bro, Josh.

Hardwon: Ass first.

Beverly: His beautiful plump rump just floating.

Moonshine: Yeah, did his plump rump look like two inviting lilypads bobbing in the water?

Hardwon: Glistening in the moonlight.

DM Murph: Yeah. Another little frog may end up jumping on there. You don’t know.

Beverly: Just two big apples, floating.

Hardwon: Jump on the plump rump.

DM Murph: Jump on the plump rump. Okay, so… In that tower you guys found the bones of the dead dragon, Shadowfang. This must’ve been where she hung out. You also found a Crick bullywug named Jonah, who’d been captured by the regular bullywugs and was being held captive. He explained that the king bullywug had a nasty looking sword and stole some of the treasure before he left. You guys did however pick up quite a few nice items. You’ve got the Boots of Elven Kind, you got a couple of masterwork throwing daggers-

Moonshine: Yeah, you better believe I’m wearing some nice ass boots! Are they like combat boots or are we talking sort of like leather boots, like it sounds like, if they’re stealth-.

DM Murph: They’re like made of leaves, they’re so quiet.

All: Ooh!

Moonshine: Just leaves crawling up my sexy calves.

DM Murph: Your feet are like completely silent as you walk along the ground. You do a little jig-

Hardwon: Is that something- you would have known about those kinds of boots down at the Crick but you would have never been exposed to them?

Moonshine: Yeah I woulda like heard of them and been like ‘ah that’s high elf nonsense’.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You probably wear your own leaf shoes down at the Crick, but they always make a lot of noise so these are weird for you.

Moonshine: Because they crunch.

DM Murph: They crunch. These don’t crunch.

Moonshine: But what if I wanna tap dance?

DM Murph: They won’t make any noise.

Moonshine: Well, that complicates some of my moves.

Beverly: You’ll just have to like tape some kind of hard material to the bottom of the shoes.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Beverly’s broken spear.

DM Murph: You guys also got a fiddle that says ‘Ol’ Betsy’ on it-

Moonshine: Ol’ Betsy gettin’ on.

DM Murph: And Beverly found a holy symbol of Pelor, a little amulet that he recognised as belonging to the legendary cleric Thiala because he has paintings of her on his wall at home, but when Beverly showed it to the rest of the party it cracked.

Hardwon: Hmm, all right.

DM Murph: A bad omen.

Beverly: Probably not great.

Moonshine: Or maybe a good omen like ‘Oh a new day is beginning.’

Beverly: Yeah, that’s what that means.

Hardwon: We cracked the code.

Moonshine: We cracked the case.

DM Murph: A crack in a holy symbol is always a good thing. And we’ll start from there. You guys are in this tower, you guys are with Jonah the Crick bullywug. The king bullywug has jumped out probably like five minutes ago. He swam across. Josh is dead. Forever. He’s definitely in hell. He killed his friends.

Moonshine: “So, y’all, let’s circle up, have a little chitter.”

DM Murph: [as Jonah] “Circle up, have a little?”

Moonshine: “Okay, Jonah, hun”

DM Murph: “Yeah.”

Moonshine: “You’re adorable. Maybe go entertain yourself with your-”

DM Murph: “Can I wrestle with Paw Paw?”

Moonshine: “Yeah, go wrestle with Paw Paw”

DM Murph: “Would you mind?” Paw Paw and Jonah start wrestling around on the ground. [Paw Paw noises].

Moonshine: “Paw Paw, quit usin’ your teeth!”

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw] [vicious Reer]

[laughter]

Beverly: Jonah, quit just showing your teeth altogether, please.

DM Murph: He just flashes you a toothy-

Hardwon: So snaggled.

DM Murph: So snaggle toothed.

Moonshine: “It’s weird it looks like all the teeth are competin’ to be in front.”

[laughter]

Beverly: "It's a pageant, they're all losing."

Moonshine: "So, the way I see it is we've got - I'd love to search this castle try and find the dragon egg, but I also think that the bullywug king is not gonna try and get that trident tonight at least. I think we should go into Moonstone and rat him out to the barbarians. As, like, a sign of fake deference to them."

Hardwon: "So you want to search the castle, then-"

Moonshine: "Then caravan to the-"

Hardwon: "Caravan. Got it. So why don't- I think I wanna go collect the Green Teens while you guys case the castle."

Moonshine: "Yeah, that's okay."

Beverly: "Yeah, the king was headed right towards them."

Hardwon: "So, wait, the king was headed past the Green Teens?"

DM Murph: Near the Green Teens. In the Green Teens' direction.

Beverly: "Yeah, they're hidden pretty well but I dunno."

Hardwon: "They're gonna have some lingering fear of the bullywug king."

DM Murph: They're not super smart.

Moonshine: "I mean, I'm assuming they've created an elaborate tunnel system at this point."

Hardwon: "But if that king even steps on a twig and makes it sound like bronze ash they're all gonna jump."

Beverly: "It's true, and Derlin does have a very loud giggle so that could give him away in a moment’s instance. "

Moonshine: "Yeah, y'all youngins giggle a lot. We don't do that."

Beverly: "We just love life and we love Pelor. It's just- we're just filled with the light of joy, what can I say?"

DM Murph: You hear in the distance an echo of [Derlin's flamboyant laugh] "Oh-hoo-hoo"

Hardwon: "Oh god, they're not stealth."

Moonshine: "I just feel like they always sound like they're getting tickled."

DM Murph: "Oh-hoo-hoo!"

Hardwon: "To be fair they might be tickling each other as we speak."

Beverly: "Back home I do have a shirt that says 'It's a Pelor thing. You wouldn't understand.' and that is kinda what the tickling relates to. It's just like-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, we don’t, yeah."

Beverly: "You just like- you're just filled with the light and you feel kind of an overwhelming sense of giddiness. "

Moonshine: "You know it's interesting 'cause the youngins of Melora, we like to just wrassle-"

Beverly: "Yeah, feral"

Moonshine: "and scuffle, and tussle. And it seems like the youngins of Pelor just tickle."

Beverly: "We like to sit quietly and laugh to each other and respect our elders."

Hardwon: "And the youngins of Moradin like to mine into the mountain and give iron to our parents."

Moonshine: "Wow."

Beverly: "You got your youngins workin'."

Hardwon: "Oh yeah."

Moonshine: "That sounds like child labor."

Hardwon: "You start at a very early age down in Iron Deep."

Moonshine: "Child labor, okay."

Beverly: "That sounds hard, yeah."

Moonshine: "Interesting. We should probably go free some-"

Hardwon: "That could be corrected."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "The dwarphanage was mostly a mine."

DM Murph: They should unionise.

Beverly: "Do you guys mind if I check out these dragon bones?"

Hardwon: "Yeah, yeah. You guys inspect. I'm gonna go down into the woods and see what's up with these kids."

Moonshine: "Yeah, yeah. I think that's wise."

Beverly: "Well we only have a scale model of these back in my classroom but like, to see the real things - it’s so cool."

Moonshine: "Go to town. Let's try and put them together, you know, like a museum."

Beverly: "Yeah!"

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: So I'm gonna inspect the dragon bones.

DM Murph: Okay, so Hardwon where- are you belaying down or are you walking out the front? What are you doing?

Hardwon: Um, we're standing right now in the front, right?

DM Murph: You guys are in the back facing out towards where the Green Teens are.

Moonshine: "I can hold this rope and you can belay down."

Hardwon: "Cool."

Beverly: "Hardwon, just Josh down."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Moonshine, throw me!"

Moonshine: "I could also Josh throw you-"

DM Murph: So Hardwon-

Hardwon: "Oppa Josh style."

DM Murph: Hardwon you belay down you see two plump ass cheeks floating near you as you get to the bottom.

Beverly: "Hardwon, what's your favourite-"

Hardwon: "Squat in heaven, bro."

Beverly: [Imitating Hardwon] "In heaven, all of your reps are max."

Hardwon: Just bounce off his asscheeks onto the other side.

DM Murph: [laughter] Great.

Beverly: Can you like put your fingers on his asscheeks like you're closing someone's eyes.

Hardwon: Closing his butthole.

[laughter]

DM Murph: You respectfully close his butthole and no more water gets in.

Hardwon: Sleep for now.

DM Murph: His butthole is so full of water that he does sink though.

Hardwon: "No!"

Beverly: I’ll never let go.

Hardwon: May Moradin keep you.

DM Murph: So, Hardwon starts swimming towards the Green Teens. Meanwhile, you guys are in this tower, you guys just picked up all this treasure and you've got these dragon bones.

Beverly: I guess I wanna do kinda like an arcana check on the dragon bones.

DM Murph: You know what, give me a history check.

Beverly: Oooh, yeah yeah yeah.

DM Murph: Give me a history or a nature check.

Beverly: That's going to be-

Moonshine: I got a 17 for nature check.

Beverly: Ooh, yeah. We'll go with that.

DM Murph: 17? Okay you see that there's a-

Hardwon: [laughter] I don't wanna tell you what I got for history.

Beverly: I got a good guess.

Moonshine: So I pretty much hold the bones up to my nose and try and sniff them to try and suss out their essence.

Hardwon: Ancient dust. You suck the marrow.

Moonshine: [laughter] I suck the marrow.

DM Murph: While you're sniffing, you notice that the bones aren't big enough to be like an ancient dragon. This was like an adult dragon.

Moonshine: Adult, but not-

DM Murph: Right. It was probably like seventy-five or a hundred years old.

Beverly: Like a dad, but not a-

Hardwon: So how sandy is that pussy on a dragon woman. Is it still pretty tight?

DM Murph: Right. Actually, the pussy's not there, it's just bones.

Hardwon: Really? But I'm just saying like on a seventy year old dragon.

DM Murph: Hardwon, you're not there.

Moonshine: Can I tell?

Hardwon: I'm just curious as a guy listening to the show.

Moonshine: Murph, Murph. Can I tell-

DM Murph: People don't wanna know about dragon pussies.

Moonshine: Can I tell from the pelvis if it was a man or a woman dragon ?

DM Murph: You know Shadowfang was a woman.

Beverly: But this is-

DM Murph: How are the pelvises different? It would be like a wider berth-

Beverly: It's wider, yeah.

DM Murph: -so she could give birth out of her dragon pussy?

Beverly: I guess what Emily's asking is-

DM Murph: So she can shoot eggs out of her dragon pussy?

Hardwon: Well we're trying to deduce if this was Shadowfang.

Beverly: Yeah we wanna know if this was Shadowfang or one of Shadowfang's-

DM Murph: This was Shadowfang's bones.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: So Shadowfang was a spry adult.

Beverly: Yeah. A mom, but not a grandmom.

Hardwon: She had notoriously 11:00 [xx]

Moonshine: She was not a girl... but was a woman.

Beverly: Yeah, but still in her prime it seems. Huh. I look down at my amulet that I've gotten.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I think in the excitement over the dragon bones I forgot about it, but now I kinda like I look at it and I look at the crack and you know I use my training in the light of Pelor to see if I can get a sense, if I can delve anything from it, if I can like commune with this holy relic.

DM Murph: Give me a religion check.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: Yo this is gonna be such a great nat 20!

Beverly: Nat 6, baby!

[Laughter]

Hardwon: What if you put a nat in front of every-

DM Murph: Nat 6. What is that with your modifier.

Hardwon: No matter what the roll is you put nat in front of it it sounds badass.

Beverly: Yeah, that's true. Alright that's gonna be an 8.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Shit.

Hardwon: That's an un-nat 8.

Beverly: [laughter]

DM Murph: Let me tell you what that means.

Beverly: All right.

DM Murph: [whispers mimicking Jonah the crick bullywug] "Somethin' ain't right."

Beverly: [laughter]

DM Murph: And you hear Jonah's just behind you in your ear.

Moonshine: "Jonah, quit whispering! You can't sneak up on people. "

DM Murph: [as Jonah] "Oh, I'm so sorry. You know somethin' ain't right around here. "

Moonshine: "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."

DM Murph: "It's just not nice here. Yeah, okay."

Beverly: "You mind if I show you some knots?"

DM Murph: "Oh please, I would love to see how you rope-a-dope and throw those ropes round and-"

Beverly: I handcuff him with knots.

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Oh gee, you are just like those big bully-"

Beverly: "See if you can get out of that"

Hardwon: [laughter] You just untied him!

DM Murph: "Oh, okay. I didn't know it was a game! Okay." You see-

Beverly: "Yeah, it's a little- it's a Green Teen game"

DM Murph: He just starts rolling around.

Hardwon: You wrestled Paw Paw, you wrestle the knots now.

DM Murph: He's talking just as much but just to himself as he rolls around on the ground. "I love these knots! Oh, this is a fun game! Oh, I'm having fun out here. You know what I'm-"

Beverly: "That wasn't exactly what I wanted, but okay."

Moonshine: "You know how you felt a little embarrassed when we all met your Green Teen friends?"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "I feel a little bit of that with this Crick bullywug."

Beverly: "We're learning a lot about you know, just pretences and kind of-"

Moonshine: "Man, the Crick people are chatterboxes."

Beverly: "Uh-huh, stereotypes and how they can be harmful, I understand."

Moonshine: So I would like to go to the one tower that we haven't explored.

Beverly: Ooh.

DM Murph: You haven't been to either of the towers in the front of the castle.

Moonshine: I wanna go to both.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: Why don't we split up?

Moonshine: [Skeptically] Mmm...

Beverly: Not a good idea?

Moonshine: We might as well go together.

Beverly: Okay we'll go together. Yeah.

DM Murph: I'll tell you guys quickly-

Moonshine: I'm your caretaker. I can't be leaving you.

Beverly: That's true. That's a good point.

DM Murph: You guys go up to the two towers in the front-

Hardwon: Hardwon was just quick to leave you guys.

Beverly: Hardwon is sprinting away.

DM Murph: Yeah. Hardwon is gonna take a little longer to get where he is going than these guys are ‘cause they're just in the keep walking around. This is all only taking a few minutes. So you guys go back- you guys go up to those other two towers, but they're just basic- you know, they've got some pelts there for people to sit on there are arrow slits for people to shoot. You see there are a couple crossbows sitting by the-

Hardwon: Bunch of Tim Horton coffee boxes.

DM Murph: Yeah, there are coffee- There's a tin coffee mug. Seems like maybe these guys were pulling some long nights. Box of donuts.

Moonshine: Okay. But nothing that is of interest to us?

DM Murph: No, nothing of interest to you guys.

Moonshine: Then I would like to baywatch style dive into the water and go looking for a dragon egg at the bottom of the water.

DM Murph: Okay. Is there anywhere else you wanna look in the keep?

Beverly: So we've inspected the two towers now?

DM Murph: So you guys have been in all four towers. You've been in the one with the dragon bones-

Hardwon: The one with the chapel.

DM Murph: -the two in the front-

Beverly: How- would you say that a dragon's egg is a magical item?

DM Murph: No, it is not innately magical.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: You know, you guys haven't looked around the castle very much. You just got in the towers.

Moonshine: What if- if I cast Speak With Animals, could I talk to the dragon embryo?

DM Murph: No you cannot.

Beverly: Wait, do you have Speak With Animals too?

Moonshine: I did stock it for today.

Beverly: Oh, nice. Cool.

Moonshine: To try and find the dragon egg, but I guess it's not gonna come in handy.

Beverly: Oh, hold on, I guess we could like-

Hardwon: [laughter] You talk to Paw Paw!

Beverly: I wanna do a perception to see if there's any animals around that we could talk to seeing as we're both adept at speaking to animals.

DM Murph: Okay, so you wanna look out to the front of the castle into the water surrounding the keep.

Moonshine: I'll roll as well. I got a 13.

Beverly: That's another nat 6!

Hardwon: Nice!

Beverly: Oh man! I'm in the hexagon today.

DM Murph: Yeah, I mean, there are little frogs bouncing around.

Moonshine: Yeah, they're not gonna tell us shit though.

Beverly: Probably not. Huh. I guess we could just like scour. It's scour time.

DM Murph: Okay, so you scour around. I mean, basically there's only four big rooms here, right? There's one that's totally flooded, one that's the mess hall, one that's the bedroom and one that's a dark magic chapel. Is there any room you'd like to check out?

Beverly: I guess it's-

Moonshine: I would like to continue swimming in this sunken- I'm just kidding. I go to the dark chapel.

Beverly: I guess it's true that we were having a big fight last time we were there. Didn't get a good look around.

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys didn't really check around, right?

[All sound off in agreement]

Hardwon: There's a big dicked corpse right in front of the door so-

Moonshine: Oh yeah, I take a quick look at that just like "Oh, yeah. Forgot about him."

Hardwon: Decaying just a little bit. Shrivelling, but it's still massive.

DM Murph: It seems like-

Moonshine: I cast Gentle Repose on his dick, which prevents it from decaying.

Hardwon: Preserve it forever. I kobold stan him.

DM Murph: It's still beautiful and pristine. It still has a little dew on the tip.You see that the kobolds have cleaned up the rest of their dead, but that guy is still there because they didn't want to move him because he looked so beautiful.

Beverly: Mmm. How are his teeth?

DM Murph: They're great. They're beautiful little fangs.

Beverly: Uh- I take one.

DM Murph: Great. You take his teeth, you fuckin’ weirdo.

Moonshine: I turn away ‘cause I don't even know what to think about Beverly's-

DM Murph: So you guys are in this chapel-

Hardwon: His tooth habit.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: It looks pretty much as it did before but you guys see this big stained glass window with an image of a dark sorcerer glowing with like black and purple energy. In front of that is an altar and you see he's shooting like purple energy out towards the altar. You see the altar has like a couple scrolls on it. There's a pyre that was never used and... go ahead, somebody roll me an insight check.

Moonshine: Okay. [rolls dice] Ooo, nat 20 baby!!!

Beverly: Oh shit!

DM Murph: Okay, one thing strikes you as very strange is- when you guys were outside looking at this side of the castle, the window was not there.

Beverly: The window?

DM Murph: The window was not there.

Beverly: Oh you can only see it from the inside?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Whoa. That's very interesting. "We didn't see this window before?"

Moonshine: "Yeah, what the fuck does that mean?"

Beverly: "I don't know, it's gotta be magical some way. And also like, I wanna-"

Moonshine: I touch the window!

Beverly: Yeah, okay.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: We shouldn't touch it!

DM Murph: You touch the window and it appears to feel like a regular window. But you do notice that you can't see through on the outside.

Beverly: When you say there are like purple bolts, is that just in the window or are there actual energy like coming out-

Moonshine: Like light is coming through.

Hardwon: Try detecting magic.

DM Murph: No, it's just like in the picture but it looks like he's shooting purple at the altar.

Beverly: I wanna inspect this thing.

Moonshine: So, I guess we should shoot light at the altar.

Beverly: Oh. Interesting. Do you have anything that can shoot light?

Moonshine: Nah.

Beverly: Hmm. Okay, shooting light. Wait, I wanna inspect the-

DM Murph: Do you wanna do like a- What do you wanna inspect?

Beverly: I wanna see- I wanna look at the scrolls on the table.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: Oh yeah. I go up and I pretend to read them.

DM Murph: You- [laughter] Yeah, Moonshine doesn't know how to read.

Moonshine: I'm like "Hmm. Interesting. Huh. Never seen it written like that before."

DM Murph: Okay, you see two scrolls-.

Moonshine: "In all my years of reading."

Hardwon: Can you imagine that?

Beverly: It’s a picture.

DM Murph: There are two scrolls on the table. Moonshine is just talking about whatever and Beverly you look over her shoulder and you see one of them is for a spell called Flame Blade and one of them is for a spell called Ice Blade.

Beverly: "Okay, it's two spells. One of them is a Tim Horton's coupon and then the other two are spells. One's for Flame Blade, one's for Ice Blade"

Moonshine: "Okay. I don't have that currently stocked but I do have Ice Knife, I could try and Ice Knife the table?"

DM Murph: It's a scroll.

Beverly: It's a scroll. Wait-

DM Murph: It's a scroll. It does the spell.

Beverly: We learn them up, right?

DM Murph: You can use it once.

Moonshine: "Okay so we should- so he's got two shooting things that are at the altar, so you and I both go on one side and shoot it at the same time."

Beverly: "Fire and Ice, okay."

Hardwon: That's awesome. Thank god I wasn't here because my instinct was to break the window.

[laughter]

Hardwon: I've been quiet this whole time but I wanted to throw my axe at the window if I were there.

Beverly: I admire Moonshine's Crick ingenuity, so I-

Moonshine: I guess. We'll see. Time will tell.

Beverly: I guess we each take a spell?

DM Murph: Great. You take a spell. So which one does each of you guys take?

Moonshine: I'd like to take the ice one because I feel connected to water.

DM Murph: And you take Flame Blade?

Beverly: I take flame like the purifying fire of Pelor.

DM Murph: Great. So you guys can cast the spells. Would you like to cast ‘em?

Moonshine: Yes.

Beverly: Wait, real quick. The beam's coming from Asmodeus' hands?

DM Murph: Yes they're coming out of his hands shooting at the altar.

Beverly: Is there any difference between the two of them? I wanna make sure we're aligned correctly.

DM Murph: It's just purple.

Beverly: Okay, it's just purple.

DM Murph: So you guys-

Moonshine: [sudden realisation] It's red and blue!

DM Murph: Suddenly a magic blue blade appears in Moonshine's hand and a magic red blade appears in Beverly's hand.

Moonshine: "Let's smush em together and put em on the altar."

Beverly: "If I know anything from my color theory classes with Miss Machem in art, blue and red... is purple."

Moonshine: "Blood and water makes purple. That's what we say at the Crick."

Beverly: "That's an interesting way of putting it but that is true!"

Hardwon: Great life lessons.

Beverly: Okay, yeah. I guess we try and aim our beams to meet and form like a nice purple.

DM Murph: So you guys are gonna slice in the same area on the altar?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Yeah. Oh, I guess I don't know how the sword works, if it fires a beam or it just like slice with it.

DM Murph: It's like a sword.

Beverly: Okay, yeah.

DM Murph: You guys have a magic sword in both of your hands.

Beverly: Yeah, we make the swords kiss.

DM Murph: Dope. You guys both swing down, the swords kiss, you see where they meet the blade turns purple. You slash into the altar... it appears to have no effect on it until suddenly the altar shakes.

Moonshine: We just keep holding it.

DM Murph: You guys hold it down.

Moonshine: Keep shaking.

Beverly: [nervous groan]

DM Murph: The altar shakes and moves-

Moonshine: “Bev, don't be scared.”

Beverly: [nervous breathing]

DM Murph: -as a pillar rises from underneath it. You see atop the pillar is a long glass case. It looks like it should be holding like a sword or something, but instead there is a football sized black egg jammed in there. You see the eggshell has little scale-like grooves all over it. Seems like maybe these kobolds knew of this hiding place and jammed the egg in there to hide it from the bullywugs.

Moonshine: Well, we need to- Let me do a quick perception check or knowledge check or something- survival to know if I can grab this thing?

DM Murph: Yeah you can just do like an insight check or an investigation check.

Hardwon: Jambalaya check. Soft boiled egg in there might be really nice.

Beverly: Oh my gosh!

Moonshine: Okay. 10?

DM Murph: It looks like this case wasn't made for the egg and that if there was a trap or something it probably would have been set off earlier.

Moonshine: Okay, I'm grabbing it!

DM Murph: Great. You grab it.

Moonshine: I'm grabbing it with the gentle motherly touch of a Crick woman.

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: Gentle motherly touch of a Crick woman. Moonshine... pulls out the dragon egg.

Moonshine: [gasp]

Beverly: It's nestled.

DM Murph: Cut to Hardwon Surefoot.

Hardwon: "I bet nothing exciting is happening back at the keep!"

Beverly: You just see the entire keep explode.

Hardwon: [laughter] I just turn over my head and there's just like a purple light shining from in there. "What am I missing?"

DM Murph: It's really funny that you guys instantly figured out- not that it was a tough puzzle, but you instantly figured out the puzzle but were just walking around being like [derpily mocking] 'what room should we look at?'

[laughter]

DM Murph: 'Just the most magic room of all time or the pond?'

Hardwon: I don't know what door to open but once I'm inside I'll know exactly what to do.

Beverly: I think it's because we'd been in the room before I was like mentally checking it off, but it is true we did just kill a buff lizard in there and not inspect it deliberately.

Moonshine: I just thought for sure- I mean, if you think of like Joseph Campbell's Hero's Quest, I thought I would have to dive into the water.

Beverly: [sarcastically] That's my favorite D20 adventure, 'Joseph Campbell's Hero's Quest.'

Moonshine: [laughter]

DM Murph: So Hardwon.

Hardwon: Yup.

DM Murph: You get up out of the water and you start heading back towards the camp go ahead and give me a perception check.

Hardwon: That's an 11. Oh wait, you know what-"

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Hardwon: It's gonna be actually less than that. Perception-

Moonshine: Oh no!

Hardwon: Yeah it was- it's just a 7.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: [mimicking a jock voice] “It's actually a 0 somehow.”

DM Murph: This dude has advantage in the swamp, but he rolled two 3s so he did worse than you.

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: You see-

Beverly: Trials of Hardwon.

DM Murph: As you're approaching the camp you see the bullywug king is like looking into the camp, like kinda looking around. You see he hasn't seen you yet.

Hardwon: Mhmm. Okay. I'm gonna go back to the keep and see what was going on with the- [laughter] I'm not- I'm gonna try to save these Green Teens. They've already been harassed by the bullywugs enough.

Beverly: Holy shit!

DM Murph: Great.

Hardwon: Let's- am I far away?

DM Murph: You're about 20 feet away from him. You can get to him or you can throw an axe or whatever you want.

Hardwon: Nah, I'm gonna go for the great axe to the back of the head.

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Very good.

DM Murph: Okay, so you're just charging up on this guy? Okay.

Beverly: [laughter] Just come back and Hardwon's just wearing a new crown.

DM Murph: Roll with advantage to see if you hit him.

Hardwon: Oh yes. That is... a 19.

DM Murph: Dude, you crit!

Hardwon: Oh yeah, I CRIT BITCH!!!

Moonshine: [clapping] Woo!

Beverly: He crits!

Hardwon: I'm finally gonna learn my character.

Moonshine: Too legit to not crit.

DM Murph: Dude, yeah. So you roll 2d12s then add your modifier once. So this bullywug is like looking into the camp and you hear- they're hiding pretty well but you hear a little like [stifled Green Teen giggles].

[laughter]

Hardwon: "What is funny about this, Erlin?"

DM Murph: [whispering as Erlin] "He looks like Boss Nass from episode one."

[laughter]

Beverly: "It's my favorite theatre play."

Hardwon: Oh shit, sorry. That didn't count, it was rolling off.

DM Murph: Yeah, yeah.

Hardwon: So that's two 7s. Is that a 14?

DM Murph: 14 plus, what's your modifier?

Hardwon: Uh, 4.

DM Murph: So 18 total.

Hardwon: 18. Total.

DM Murph: Dope. So this dude is looking into the camp, you see he's wearing his makeshift crown. He has a cool red cloak on that he didn't have before and he's actually- he has his shield on his back. He's carrying a two-handed sword that has black flames coming off of it and looking possessed with like red eyes into this camp looking for these kids. You come up behind him and you slash him across the back and he just yells out [bullywug king] "[panicked frog gurgles] I'm so surprised by this!" Roll initiative.

Moonshine: A one man fight?

Beverly: He probably got his kidney, right? Like even if he got an 8.

Hardwon: [laughter] I survives

Hardwon: He got a 9.

Moonshine: Ooh. I'm so scared to see what that sword does to you.

Beverly: I mean, this is cool or whatever, but we solved a puzzle.

Hardwon: Yeah. That's really good. I am gonna get my ass kicked by a frog.

Beverly: King frog. I feel like for sure the bullywug king has like all gold teeth. He's like decked himself out. He's got like really like gnarly gemstone teeth all up in there.

Hardwon: He's got the Lil' Wayne grill.

Beverly: [Admiringly] Yeah!

DM Murph: Cool. So the king turns to you and he says "How dare you, I'm the king of the bullywug- well, it's just me now, but I'm the kiiiiing!" And he takes a swing.

Hardwon: "You are the king of jack shit!"

DM Murph: Does not hit. He takes a second swing... and he hits.

Hardwon: What does he hit with?

DM Murph: He hits with his big ol’ sword.

Hardwon: [Grudgingly] Fine.

Beverly: That sword doesn't look like a lot of fun.

DM Murph: That is 11 damage.

Beverly: Mmm. That's pretty good.

Moonshine: Ohhhh boy.

Hardwon: But I was at full HP when I left.

DM Murph: Great. That is you Hardwon.

Beverly: Get him!

Hardwon: Wait, he hit me for 11?

DM Murph: [whispering teen ]"Go scoutmaster Hardwon, Go!"

Hardwon: "Quiet Erlin!"

DM Murph: "You can do it!" [as Derlin]"What about me, do I have to be quiet?"

Hardwon: "No, you're good Cran."

DM Murph: "It's actually me, Derlin. I have the deeper voice."

Hardwon: "Okay Derlin, then you shut up."

DM Murph: [as Cran] "I have a little bit of a higher voice than everyone."

Hardwon: "Cran, you're cool."

DM Murph: "Thanks." [as bullywug king] "Who are you talking to?!"

Hardwon: Oh shit, that's a 1, but I get to roll it again.

DM Murph: Oh no no no, you don't get to roll an attack roll again. You just missed your attack. So you just dinked big time.

Hardwon: Really?

DM Murph: Yep, sorry.

Hardwon: Good lord.

DM Murph: So, you see this guy... necrotic energy bursts from his hand and he touches you. I am going to need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

Hardwon: Wisdom saving throw? Great.

Beverly: [Sarcastically] Oh, you're very good at that.

Hardwon: "Watch this." 13.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: He reaches out to touch you, you feel for a second like you're paralysed with fear-

Hardwon: “For the first time ever in my life.”

[laughter]

DM Murph: And then you hear in the back of your head. 'You're Hardwon fucking Surefoot. You're the goddamn scoutmaster' and you push the fear out of your brain.

Hardwon: Yes!

DM Murph: That's your turn.

Beverly: Fear is for chumps.

Hardwon: Great. Good lord, that's a 10.

DM Murph: Total?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: This guy blocks it with his magic sword. He's just-

Hardwon: He better not touch me again!

DM Murph: He's gonna take a swing at you with his sword... and that is a 14 to hit? That probably doesn't hit you.

Hardwon: Nope.

Moonshine: Woo!

DM Murph: Okay, he's gonna take a second attack and that definitely hits, that's a 21 to hit.

Hardwon: Yeah that does hit.

DM Murph: Believe it or not a 21 hits.

Hardwon: You're Hardwon chuckin' [laughter], you're Hardwon fucking Surefoot.

DM Murph: 14 damage.

Beverly: [terrified squeal]

DM Murph: You have Action Surge and Second Wind.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm about to use... I think both of them.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Yeah, use the thing.

DM Murph: It is now your turn.

Hardwon: I'm gonna use-

DM Murph: So you can swing first, see what happens from there.

Hardwon: [rolls dice] I'mma have to use that Action Surge.

DM Murph: What did you get?

Hardwon: I got a 4, man!

DM Murph: [As Hardwon] “Don't make me say it, dude.”

Hardwon: That's a 17 that time.

Beverly: There we go.

DM Murph: Dope, that hits.

Hardwon: That's a 2 plus- that's a 6.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Not great.

Beverly: It's damage.

Moonshine: It's okay man, you started this out so great. You know.

Hardwon: Remember when I held the door, guys? [laughter]

DM Murph: You slash him across the shoulder and he laughs and goes "Ugh, overall I'm pretty hurt but that particular hit wasn't that painfuuulll." Do you wanna do Second Wind?

Hardwon: Yeah I do.

DM Murph: Okay, roll a d10 plus your fighter level to heal.

Hardwon: [rolls dice].... God damn that's a 1!

[laughter]

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: So... a 4 total.

Moonshine: Plus 3 don't forget.

DM Murph: So 4 total. Okay.

Hardwon: 4? That puts me back to 12.

DM Murph: That is back to the king. He goes to touch you again. The necrotic hand tries to grab you. You feel... fearful.

Hardwon: I can't.

DM Murph: Roll me a wisdom saving throw.

Hardwon: For the second time.

DM Murph: Roll me a wisdom saving throw.

Beverly: Goddamn it. This sucks. I have a spell that prevents this.

Hardwon: [rolls dice]... All right. That's 15.

DM Murph: Oh! You resist it.

Moonshine: Oh! Yeahhh!

Hardwon: “You can't get in my head! My skull is as thick as my quads.” [laughter]

DM Murph: Cannot get intimidated. That's you Hardwon.

Hardwon: Alright. Come on! Yes, that's a 22.

DM Murph: 22? That hits.

Hardwon: And that one hits him for... 7 again.

DM Murph: 7 again. You slash him and he's starting to look really fucked up.

Hardwon: So am I.

DM Murph: And you see the sword glows harder and you see him so furious just shaking, being like "I'm going to take you to hell with me! You're trying to take my sword. I know you're trying to take my sword. Noone can have this sword but me!"

Hardwon: "I can see why they made you king. You're crazy."

DM Murph: He slashes at you... and he is gonna hit.

Moonshine: Oh no.

DM Murph: For 8.

Hardwon: Oh... my god.

DM Murph: And he takes a second swing at you.

Beverly: You still up?

Hardwon: Barely.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: And he hits.

Hardwon: Oh no!

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: He just hit you for... 15.

Beverly: Ohh!!!

Hardwon: [high pitched and incredulous] 15?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: Good lord, does that kill my ass?

DM Murph: Are you down?

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm down for sure.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: [nervous] Okay.

DM Murph: Hardwon-

Hardwon: I'm at negative 11.

Beverly: Oh shit.

DM Murph: Negative 11?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: No, we just go to 0!

DM Murph: You're just out. You just go to 0.

Hardwon: Okay. Thank god.

DM Murph: Okay, so you go out. You go to 0. You wake up to the tail end of somebody saying... [High pitched teen voice] "Haaaaaaands"

[laughter]

DM Murph: You open your eyes to see Erlin over you-

Beverly: Good boy.

DM Murph: Just as the king bullywug takes a swing down on him.

Hardwon: [gasp] At Erlin?!

DM Murph: On Erlin.

Hardwon: No! Not Erlin!

Beverly: No, block!

DM Murph: And he swings and he misses Erlin.

[combined sigh of relief]

DM Murph: Erlin moves out of the way but he takes a second swing at Erlin.

Hardwon: No, not at Erlin, man.

DM Murph: And he misses again.

Moonshine: [celebration and relief mingled] Woo!

DM Murph: Erlin dodges back and moves out of the way.

Beverly: Beverly's hairs are standing on end.

DM Murph: Erlin does not have as good of an AC as Beverly, but the king bullywug just rolled a 2 and a 3.

Beverly: Oh man.

Hardwon: Thank-

Beverly: He's blind with rage

DM Murph: Okay that is-

Hardwon: Thank Melora, Pelor and Moradin.

DM Murph: Hardwon you just got 5 HP from Erlin.

Hardwon: Great. 5.

Beverly: That's enough.

Hardwon: That's gonna have to play.

Beverly: That'll do.

Moonshine: Dude, can you use Action Surge or Second Wind again?

Hardwon: Nope.

Beverly: Huh.

DM Murph: [with a perverse smug satisfaction] Just take your swing.

Hardwon: [exhales sharply then inhales for luck] [whispers] "Watch this."

[held back laughter]

Hardwon: That's a 15.

DM Murph: That hits!

[celebration]

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: [relieved] Woo-ee, woo-ee

Hardwon: All right.

Beverly: Ah, showdown.

Hardwon: And that is a... come on baby... 13.

DM Murph: That is exactly the amount of damage you needed to do to kill this dude. Hardwon, finish him.

Hardwon: Great. Tell me if I'm allowed to do this, but I'd like to throw down my axe. Pick up both my throwing axes; throw em down. The two new throwing axes; throw em down. And just fucking choke this king with my beard.

DM Murph: [amused] With your beard?

Beverly: [confused] With your beard?

Moonshine: [dying with laughter] With your beard!

DM Murph: Sure. Mechanically, he's already dead so you can choke him to death with your beard. You see... all of the kids come out and they're just like [cheering on] "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster!"

Hardwon: I lock eyes with Erlin. "The Jamboreen is back on."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Oh my goooood!

Beverly: Yes!

Moonshine: Wooow. That was dope.

DM Murph: Holy shit.

Beverly: Hardwon, the king slayer.

DM Murph: Level one-

Hardwon: The kingslayer. Wow.

DM Murph: Yeah, you kill him. So this-

Moonshine: [gasp] Twice dead, now kingslayer.

Hardwon: Thrice dead.

DM Murph: You cho-

Moonshine: [laughter] Thrice dead!

DM Murph: You choke out this king, he falls to the ground. He has a shield on his back, he has a cloak that just looks like some kind of cool magic cloak and the sword is laying on the ground and it's got like black flames coming out of it.

Beverly: [dramatically] And Erlin is holding it.

DM Murph: You see Erlin says, "Well, that's a pretty cool sword, man."

Beverly: Oh god.

DM Murph: "But it seems my Green Teen alert is kinda going off here, man. That's bad news. That's a bad sword, man."

Hardwon: "So, Erlin, do you know what this sword is?"

DM Murph: He looks at it and he says "I can tell it's like bad magic man. It's bad magic. You shouldn't touch that sword."

Hardwon: "Shouldn't touch it... But I do wanna- I wanna show it to Bev."

DM Murph: "I mean, he can just come back and look at it right, man?"

Beverly: I would like it.

DM Murph: You see Derlin goes "I dunno man, I think it's pretty cool. I think you should just friggin’ grab it."

Hardwon: "I am going to excl-"

DM Murph: And Cran's like "Grab it, scoutmaster. Grab it!"

Hardwon: "All right, I'm going to exclusively listen to Erlin."

[laughter]

Hardwon: Cool. I'm gonna curl up and take a quick little nap.

DM Murph: Okay you can do a short rest so you can regain as many hit dice as- so you have 3 hit dice so you can roll 3d10 so you can get that HP back while you do a little rest.

Beverly: Daddy's gonna take a snooze.

Hardwon: Great, and we're waiting for these guys.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys are sitting there.

Beverly: All right, so we've-

DM Murph: So we go back- cut back to Beverly and Moonshine. You guys have this egg.

Beverly: [speaking as if ending a long explanation] "-and that's how you juggle"

Moonshine: "Wow. Okay. Gonna put that in my overall bib."

DM Murph: Right, these two weren't happening at the same time, you guys were just juggling and doing nothing.

[laughter]

Moonshine: "So let's head back, we got what we came for."

Beverly: "I don’t think there's anything else here that we need and I'm just getting- I'm getting a weird sense, you know? You know when you get goose pimples and you feel like something’s amiss?"

Moonshine: "Oh, I know goose pimples. Oh, I know that feeling."

Beverly: "As you might say; Something ain't right."

Moonshine: "Yeah, what-"

Hardwon: As you guys are having this conversation Erlin is dodging out of the way of a glowing sword.

DM Murph: Yeah! That's just right about the same time.

Moonshine: "Well, nothin' left to do but scoop up Jonah and Paw Paw and make our way back."

Beverly: There's one thing I wanna ask about and you're gonna get mad at me.

DM Murph: No I'm not. What is it? Maybe.

Beverly: Alright. You know the leftover kobold wings?

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Oh, I did wanna steal some and make some like raver wings.

DM Murph: You can grab some wings.

Beverly: Uh, I was gonna ask if I'm light enough to use them to glide.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Oh my god. You could give me a raw intelligence check.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: I'll say a DC25 intelligence check. I'll give you- If you roll a nat 20, you will have one time use paraglider.

Beverly: [frustrated] Ah!

Moonshine: So close though. 17.

Beverly: 17. Plus 2.

DM Murph: Oh okay.

Hardwon: Damn.

Beverly: My intelligence is plus 2.

Moonshine: Can he at least fashion me some raver wings?

Beverly: Yeah, I can make some wings.

DM Murph: Yeah, you make some nice wings for Moonshine to wear as a costume.

[laughter]

Beverly: "I thought that I could use these as a glider but they're kinda useless, do you want ‘em?"

Moonshine: "Yes, I do."

Beverly: "Those look good on you."

Moonshine: "Thank you."

Beverly: "Yeah." I earn my seamstress badge.

Moonshine: Okay, I make you one.

Hardwon: Guys, my adrenaline is still pumping.

Moonshine: "Yeah, I think we head back."

Beverly: Yeah, that blows.

Hardwon: I was so scared.

Beverly: Yeah, we head back.

Moonshine: We head back. I'm sorta like dancing a little bit on the way. Got my wings.

DM Murph: Cool. You guys swim back, you get back there.

Moonshine: Testing out my new boots, trying to make sound.

DM Murph: At the camp you see-

Moonshine: I have a question! I have a question!

DM Murph: Go ahead.

Moonshine: If I splash through water do my elven boots make a noise?

DM Murph: Yes, they do. You just don't-

Moonshine: Okay, so I find that out.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Knowledge.

Hardwon: I learned something.

Beverly: While we're walking back, can I do a nature check on the egg?

DM Murph: Yeah. Go ahead.

Moonshine: Oh I'll do the same.

Beverly: 18 plus 2, that's a 20.

DM Murph: Great. Okay. You look at the egg and what you know about dragons in this world is that it's kind of Game of Thrones style, that something needs to happen, they don't just kinda hatch on their own.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: So I got a nat 1, what do I think?

[laughter]

DM Murph: This is just a regular like goose egg. You could crack this open and maybe add it to the-

Hardwon: It might be a rock.

Moonshine: "Bev, we gotta hard boil this thing!"

Beverly: I think-

Moonshine: "This is nothing but some ingredients for a stew!"

Beverly: "I think that maybe we should put the kibosh on that one."

Moonshine: [Sadly] "Okay"

Beverly: "You know what, I'll buy you a lot of eggs when we get back to Moonstone."

Moonshine: "Okay, you're gonna have to."

DM Murph: So you guys get to the camp and you see Hardwon is fucked up, like laying against the tree.

Beverly: "Jesus! Sweet Pelor!"

DM Murph: Erlin is like dabbing his head with a cold compress.

Hardwon: "You're a good boy, Erlin."

DM Murph: You see the bullywug king is fucking dead laying right there.

Moonshine: I kick his corpse.

DM Murph: You kick his corpse.

Beverly: "Oh my gosh."

DM Murph: You see he still has the cool red cape and he still has a big shield and there's this big black flamed sword that is on the ground.

Hardwon: "Uh, Beverly. Erlin says that the sword's bad."

DM Murph: "It's not cool dude."

Moonshine: Can I pick up the sword with my Chill Touch?

Beverly: Oh.

DM Murph: I will allow that.

Moonshine: Okay. So I cast my Chill Touch hand-

DM Murph: Just ‘cause it's so fucking metal.

Moonshine: And I cast a ghastly hand from the grave to pick up the sword.

DM Murph: Okay. You know what, give me an arcana check as you pick it up.

Moonshine: I have 0 to arcana but I still get a fucking 18!

Beverly: Nice!

DM Murph: This sword is for sure cursed, but it's stronger than a regular greatsword.

Moonshine: With that do I have a sense of like if you could uncurse it or what you would need to guard yourself from the curse?

Hardwon: To use the curse to your advantage?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: To get rid of a curse- to dispel a curse, you would need like a very powerful cleric.

Moonshine: But what about to wield it? Do I have any sense of what you would need to do to wield it?

DM Murph: You can kind of talk to Hardwon and see how you saw the king behaving while he was holding the sword.

Moonshine: "Hey, Hardwon, I know you're trying to take a nap, but check out this-"

Hardwon: "Yeah, no I'm totally with it. I actually didn't even get knocked out. Shh, Erlin."

DM Murph: [as Erlin] "Yes sir, Mr Scoutmaster. It'll be our little secret."

Hardwon: [whispers] "You're the man, Erlin. Thanks."

Moonshine: "Whoa, seems the two of them are getting cosy, huh Bev?"

Beverly: Yeah, I give Erlin a thumbs up. [whispers in approval] "Nice!"

DM Murph: Erlin gives you two thumbs up.

Beverly: “Whoa.”

Moonshine: "Dang. Those kids know how to throw a thumb up."

Hardwon: "Anyway, the king was behaving like a maniac. It seemed like the-"

DM Murph: Oh, I forgot Jonah's also with you guys. [as Jonah] "Oh , he's actin' like a maniac. Oh he's always been a lil’ crazy, but he's not that crazy."

Hardwon: "Right, so he- he's not always that crazy?"

DM Murph: "He got a little crazier since he picked up that sword, right?"

Hardwon: "Yeah. Yeah, so it seems like the sword sort of broke his mind in some way."

Moonshine: "So, how can any of us wield it? Or how can we even possibly carry it? "

Beverly: "I wanna look at the magic cloak."

DM Murph: Great. This-

Moonshine: Oh, can we wrap it up in the magic cloak?

Beverly: That's what I'm thinking, yeah.

Hardwon: That's what's up.

Moonshine: Yo, that's so good.

DM Murph: You guys know enough about magic items and stuff that in order for you to use this weapon you would need to like attune yourself to it. Like, hold it and learn how to use it. So if you were just to wrap it up in a cloak or something, you'd be fine.

Beverly: You'd be okay? Okay.

DM Murph: You also can, as a Paladin, innately sense good and evil

Beverly: Yeah, I do have that. Divine Sense. Detect undead evil.

DM Murph: Great. This sword is super evil.

Beverly: Right. Can I like-

DM Murph: Do you wanna do another history check?

Beverly: Yeah, that's a great idea.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: That's a 15 plus... my history is.. 2. So 17.

DM Murph: 17. Great. So you knew that the keep was originally owned by a noble who was paranoid and then holed up in this keep. You can kind of deduce from that that maybe it was the sword that made him crazy.

Beverly: Huh. Do I know the name of the nobleman?

DM Murph: You don't off the top of your head.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: "Young Bev, I think that you have a true and honest spirit, and if anyone could wield a cursed blade and resist the lure of evil, I feel you like your shining soul would be that soul."

DM Murph: Cran and Derlin chime in and they go. "Yeah man, I think it'd be dope if you had that." and Erlin goes "Oh man, don't do it."

Beverly: "I think that this is-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, well, seems like majority rules."

Beverly: "I think that this is one of the-"

Hardwon: "I think that Erlin gets two votes."

Beverly: "Wait a minute. I think that this is one of the trials I need to undergo to get my sixth leaf. I think I need to resist evil. This is what it means to walk the path of the ancients. To walk in Pelor's light."

Hardwon: "Fuck it, I'll do it."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Do you actually pick it up or are just joking?

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm gonna wrap it up in the magic cloak.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys just take it.

Beverly: Well, I kinda wanna-

Moonshine: I think that's good for now. Let's wait ‘til we can meet with some sort of religious person who can tell us more about it.

Hardwon: That lady back at the- the yoga mom.

Moonshine: Oh, Shae!

DM Murph: Shae?

Beverly: That's good cause I was about to touch that sword.

Moonshine: Oh, y'all.

Hardwon: Let's wrap up the sword.

Moonshine: Any excuse to see Shae.

Hardwon: Yeah. "Hey, Shae, we rescued the Green Teens!"

Moonshine: "Hey, Shae, so... remember that kiss? "

Hardwon: I take a quick bath before we see Shae again.

Beverly: Are we gonna-

Moonshine: I'll just wade in the muck.

Hardwon: Let's head back to Moonstone.

Beverly: Shall we sleep here or do you wanna head back?

DM Murph: You guys can't sleep, you've been awake for like two hours.

Moonshine: We can't-

Beverly: Okay, cool.

Moonshine: I think we should head back to Moonstone. So, what I said before is we've got the dragons egg, cool. We've got this sword, and actually now the bullywug is taken care of-

Hardwon: Yeah, the bullywug's dead, we're not-

Moonshine: -so we actually don't need to work with the barbarian.

Beverly: No, we could kill him too.

Hardwon: All of the kobolds that we know of are also dead.

Moonshine: So maybe the next thing we have to do is-

Hardwon: We gotta return these Green Teens to Denny-

DM Murph: To Denny?

Beverly: Oh shit, we killed everyone.

Hardwon: We gotta get our gold.

Moonshine: Are we really gonna return them to Denny?

Hardwon: Let's just bring them back to- Oh, we'll give ‘em to Mishka. She was responsible.

Moonshine: Okay. Yeah.

Beverly: We'll let Denny know- we'll leave Denny a note.

Hardwon: Yeah. Let's bring these kids to the Inn- We could

Beverly: Do you want me to heal you by the way?

Hardwon: I rolled- I'm back at 18. So I think I'm okay. As long as nothing crazy happens-

Beverly: If things get dicey-

DM Murph: You see also Derlin comes over and yells "Touuuuch Haaaands!"

Hardwon: "Ah, I already-"

DM Murph: And gives you another 5.

Hardwon: "Hey!"

Moonshine: "Just don't do that in front of anyone in the town, I don’t want to get arrested."

DM Murph: How far are you from full? Cran is also-

Hardwon: Pretty far but I'm on-

DM Murph: Crans got another-

Hardwon: But that puts me at 23 because I rolled the d10 three times.

DM Murph: Okay. Cran can Lay Hands you, if you need it?

Beverly: I whisper to-

Hardwon: I'm okay for now. Let's save Cran for a bit.

Beverly: I whisper to Hardwon-

DM Murph: [as Cran] "You got it, Scoutmaster!"

Hardwon: "Thanks Cran."

Beverly: I whisper to Hardown "They don't think the spell works if they don't say the words."

Hardwon: "Are you sure?"

Beverly: "Yeah, it's- they tell us that in Green Teens but when you're a fifth leaf, like me, you know the difference."

Hardwon: "Fair enough."

Beverly: "Yeah." So are we walking back?

Moonshine: Okay, so yeah I think we're walking back. We're stealthing as best we can, we don't have pass without trace anymore, though.

DM Murph: Okay. You see Jonah turns to you guys and says. "Well, now that I'm free, I'm probably just gonna go out and look for-"

Moonshine: "Look for that troll that kicked-"

DM Murph: "- my cousins and my brother cousins and my nephew cousins."

Beverly: [impatiently] "Cool. Yeah, sounds great!"

Moonshine: "Wait, I can catch you back at the Crick though."

DM Murph: "Well, I ain't going back to the Crick. I can't-"

Moonshine: "You ain't- see, this is the problem with the Crick. You know what's really amiss at the Crick?"

DM Murph: "What's that?"

Moonshine: "Is everyone's loyalty."

DM Murph: "Oh, you know what-"

Moonshine: "You turn your back on the Crick, Crick turns its back on you."

DM Murph: "You know what, I can't argue with that. I came here. Somethin ain't right in this swamp either."

Moonshine: "Yeah. Somethin ain't right all over this good, brown earth."

DM Murph: "Somethin ain't right anywhere."

Beverly: "Did we stop walking?"

[laughter]

Hardwon: You hate Jonah.

DM Murph: "I'm gonna go look for my family." And he starts- I know you said in one of the early sessions that they make really weird noises at night. You hear him start going "Oowah! Oowah! Oowah!" and you hear a distant chorus of "Oowah! Oowah! Oowah!"

Beverly: Aww.

Moonshine: "Ah. It's like I'm back home." I lay down and I start to nap.

[laughter]

DM Murph: All the kids just pick you up. "Uh, I think we need to go back."

Moonshine: "Sorry, sorry. Force of habit"

Beverly: I'm touched by this and I reach in my pocket and I give Jonah one of my kobold teeth. "Take care of yourself."

DM Murph: "Oh, thanks. That's nice of you. You know what, we love trading teeth down at the Crick, so tell you what", and he pulls out one of his own teeth

Moonshine: [gasp]

DM Murph: And it's so loose. It was barely hanging on there and he has your hand and he says "You're a real friend, Beverly"

Hardwon: "Wow, a lot of gum on that tooth still."

`Moonshine: "Jonah-"

Beverly: "Thanks Jonah. There's a nerve on there."

DM Murph: "Yeah, weirdly, I don't feel it at all. I think that nerve died a long time ago."

Hardwon: Nonsense.

Moonshine: "Jonah, I've gotta send you off with a song. How about... Ol’ Betsy sing ya something?" And I whip out Ol’ Betsy and I start playin’ her.

Beverly: "Actually- Would you mind if-"

DM Murph: [laughter] Okay, give me a performance check with disadvantage because you don't know how to play-

Beverly: Hold on.

Moonshine: I got a-

Beverly: Can I-

DM Murph: Yeah, what?

Beverly: Can I accompany?

DM Murph: You may.

Moonshine: I got a 4.

[laughter]

Beverly: All right, can I paint the scene?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: So I see you trying to play the violin and not doing a great job, and I won't stand for that so I hop in and lend you my pipes and I sing a classic Green Teen song.

DM Murph: Roll a performance check.

Beverly: Okay, so I also got a 2.

DM Murph: [laughter] That is the story of this show. “I got a 2.”

Hardwon: [laughter] “I got a 2.”

Moonshine: That is true. This is two legit to crit!

DM Murph: Never a 1, always a 2.

Hardwon: Yeah, dude. Band of Boobs is the band of 2s.

Beverly: Band of 2s!

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Oh, well I sing a song-

DM Murph: Okay. Sing your song.

Beverly: Alright. [singing with Moonshine humming along as a poorly played violin] "I found myself a little dragon egg, I hope that it will hatch. You can see it, you don't have to beg, just don't let it get smashed. I sit on it every night and day and unto Pelor's light I pray, that if it breaks, I'll have a little drake, and earn my dragon patch."

Hardwon: That was at least a 4. I thought it was better than a 2.

DM Murph: You guys sing an awful song and you see Jonah, even in his endless enthusiasm isn't moving at all, he's just politely smiling and he just goes-

Moonshine: "Hey, Jonah! Your toe broken? ‘Cause I don't see ya tappin'. That's pretty inhospitable."

DM Murph: [as Jonah] "Oh, I am so- You know what?" And he starts, out of obligation, bouncing in place. "No, this is- that's a real... I'm gonna be humming that all day. What is that a-" he starts to walk away and he's like [half singing] "I sat on a dragon’s egg and I- Oowah! Oowah!" Just a chorus of [other crick bullywug] "Oowah! Oowah!"

Beverly: Jonah's weird ribbit was much better a performance than ours. Ugh.

Moonshine: Well, you know, we've got time to learn. But, before we do that, let's go- maybe Shae knows how to play the fiddle.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: [To the tune of Teach Me How to Dougie by Cali Swag District] Teach me how to fiddle.

Beverly: I was so excited for-

Hardwon: [to the tune of Teach Me How to Dougie by Cali Swag District] "Teach me how to fiddle, teach me, teach me how to fiddle."

[laughter]

Beverly: I was so excited to sing that dang song and I rolled a fucking 2!

Hardwon: You think you actually would have sung it better if you rolled higher?

Beverly: I would have!

DM Murph: Ultimately, it was for nothing. It was to impress a crick bullywug. So, you should be happy that one of your 2s was on that.

Beverly: I turn to the Green Teens and be like "So, what'd you think?"

DM Murph: You see... Derlin and Cran just look at the ground and Erlin goes [strained] "It was real good, bro!"

Beverly: I see-

Moonshine: "What's wrong with your thumb? Usually it's all straight up, right now it looks all crooked and knobby."

Hardwon: "Yeah, it does look kinda hooked."

Moonshine: "It's almost like your heart ain't in it?"

DM Murph: "Good job, man."

Beverly: "Yeah, uh, th- thanks Erlin."

Hardwon: "Hey, be proud of yourself for finding the dragon’s egg, man."

Beverly: "I guess that's pretty cool."

Hardwon: "That's good."

DM Murph: "Oh, wow you found the egg!!" The Green Teens crowd around it.

Beverly: "Oh, yeah, did we not mention that? "

DM Murph: "Oh, that's so coool!"

Beverly: "Yeah, check it out!"

DM Murph: "Oh wow, it's got little scales, it's like a dragooooon!"

Beverly: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Oh it's like a dragooon!"

Hardwon: "It's not like a dragon, it's like a dragon egg."

DM Murph: "Can I hold it? Can I hold it? Can I hold it?"

Hardwon: "No! Don't give it to Derlin."

DM Murph: Just an echo of Derlins "Oh dude, dude!"

Moonshine: "Kids, we don't know if it's a dragon egg, okay. I've got a feeling it might just be a regular egg."

Beverly: [whispers] "Don't let her have the egg."

Hardwon: "Are the eggs you eat down at the Crick black and scaly?"

Moonshine: "No, but I mean I haven't eaten too many eggs in other countries, so-"

Beverly: I do like to think that like the geese at the Crick are very big.

Moonshine: "Oh they're- well, they've got big personalities."

Beverly: "Who doesn't?"

DM Murph: You hear deep in the distance of the Forest. [yelling, as Jonah] "You talkin’ about Crick geese?"

Moonshine: [hollering back] "Biiig personalities am I right?"

DM Murph: "Big personalities. They're always talking!" "Oowah! Oowah! Oowah!"

Hardwon: [joining in as crick bullywugs] "Oowah! Oowah! Oowah!"

Beverly: "Okay, I'm ready to go home."

Moonshine: All right. Let's head back to Moonstone, we can put these youngins up for the night with Mishka, maybe not alert Denny to their existence and go see Shae.

DM Murph: You guys aren't gonna tell your boy Denny where the teens are?

Hardwon: Well, we can talk to Denny, as long as he doesn't do anything with the teens except for return them.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys make it back to the swamp. It takes you guys like a couple hours retracing your steps going back. One thing you notice as you approach the edge of the Forest is that normally the glow of the bay is so bright that it kind of lights up the sky and you can see it, but as you approach the glow's not there, it's dark.

Beverly: No glow? No glow though?

DM Murph: No glow. No glow though.

Hardwon: Someone took that fucking trident.

Moonshine: Who the fuck took that trident.

Beverly: My face when no glow though!

DM Murph: You guys get to that old dilapidated dock where you left your boat and you see that it's completely dark.

Beverly: Oh shit.

Moonshine: It's that damn shaman!

Hardwon: We got those water walking scrolls.

Beverly: Well yeah, we should investigate this.

Moonshine: We're gonna have to each take a little youngin on our back.

Beverly: I think we should maybe get the youngins to safety first.

DM Murph: Suddenly, thunder hits and a crack of lightning lights up the sky and it begins to rain.

Beverly: I pull out my rain jacket.

Moonshine: Now that is-

DM Murph: All the Green Teens pull out little raincoats.

Moonshine: "Okay, those are loud, put them away."

DM Murph: [mimics loudly squeaking plastic sounds] They're just squeaking in the jackets, trying to fit in. Derlin’s is a little small.

Hardwon: Derlin's a big boy.

Moonshine: "Now if that ain't the fingerprint of a shaman, I don't know what is, right? Controlling the weather?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Seems really likely, yeah. We should take the-"

DM Murph: You guys, your boat is still there.

Hardwon: Oh, the boats still there? I thought that was gone?

Moonshine: I thought you said it wasn't there?

DM Murph: No no no. Your boats there.

Hardwon: The Moonstone thing was gone.

Beverly: Wait, geography check. So we're at the-

DM Murph: Bay's not lit up.

Beverly: So we're like-

DM Murph: You're where you came in. That dilapidated dock that you left your boat at? You're there.

Beverly: Yeah, but we still have to get back to like the other side of the bay, right?

DM Murph: Correct.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Um, we should head to the other side of the bay, right?

Hardwon: Yeah, okay.

DM Murph: Great. You guys hopping in the boat or using the scrolls?

Hardwon: Let's hop in the boat.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: Use the scroll in an emergency.

Moonshine: I think that one- I think that what we should do is this. I think that the boat is gonna be unstable so I think that we should use the boat but have two of us use the scrolls to stabilize the boat.

Beverly: Should we just have the scrolls at the ready?

Hardwon: I think scrolls at the ready just in case the boat capsizes.

Moonshine: Way less elaborate. Sure, we can do that.

[laughter]

Hardwon: If you wanna have less fun!

DM Murph: Yeah. The scrolls of water walking, you cast it on yourself. You can't cast it on a boat. That's just a boat.

Beverly: Emily, that’s a-

Hardwon: Yeah yeah yeah.

Moonshine: No, I'm saying we cast it on ourselves and then we're stabilising the boat.

Hardwon: But they only work for 20 minutes, right?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: So I wa-

DM Murph: Okay, so you're just gonna hang on to ‘em?

Beverly: What a crazy decision Emily. Who would ever do such a thing?

Moonshine: Okay then, let's get in the boat-

Hardwon: Mr. Teeth Collector.

Moonshine: -and I'll use Shape Water to be like stabilising the water around our boat.

DM Murph: The water's not too choppy, It's raining a bit so it's like. You're feeling some waves there. You guys get in the boat.

Moonshine: Can I use Shape Water to make the raindrops look like hearts?

DM Murph: Perfect.

Beverly: Absolutely.

DM Murph: So as they hit the water they turn into little hearts. But as you guys are going across the bay- when you guys were going out towards the swamp there were fish jumping up and everything. When you guys look in, you see some fish but there aren't that many around. It’s no longer some magic presence that is right there.

Hardwon: That’s what the trident did, yeah.

Beverly: No more sea bass, just like, cod.

DM Murph: No more cod popping up into your boat.

Moonshine: "I hate to say this but, somethin's astray at the bay."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Brilliant.

Beverly: Shit, we can't end it there, we have to record more.

DM Murph: Yeah, we have to keep going.

Hardwon: We'll just remind you to say it again later.

DM Murph: Yeah, as you guys get closer to town you hear screams. You hear screams and crazy animal noises.

Beverly: Huh. The Jamboreen's back on!

DM Murph: You hear bears growling, horses and goats neighing, birds squawking. You see- [Beverly makes disgusted noises as Daddy Murphy paints the scene]

Moonshine: Can I do a perception check to see if it's that they're getting riled up by the storm or if there's like a war going on.

DM Murph: Oh, something ain't right. You don't even need to roll on this.

Moonshine: So is it a fight or is it them like getting antsy because of the weather?

DM Murph: It sounds like the animals are going fucking batshit.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: So it's the drizzle.

DM Murph: Even the bats are going batshit.

Moonshine: Yo, this is that shaman that we didn't do anything about.

DM Murph: So as you guys get up to the dock you see a fisherman is being attacked by an eagle.

Hardwon: [laughter] No!

DM Murph: An eagle's just like pecking at him he's just like "Ah! Ah!"

Beverly: Okay, I-

Hardwon: "You guys can talk to these animals!"

Moonshine: I was gonna say do you wanna do it or should I?

DM Murph: "Help me! Ah he's pecking at me he's pecking at me!

Beverly: You do it.

Moonshine: Okay, I cast Speak With Animals on the eagle and I say "Hostile creature! What after?"

DM Murph: As he's- he keeps clawing at the fisherman and he turns to you and he goes. [very frantically] "Kill all- kill the people. Kill all the people who aren't bald. Who don't have the ponytails. Kill the people. Kill the people. Kill all the people."

Moonshine: "Who told you to do this?"

DM Murph: "Kill the people. Kill the people. Kill all the people. Kill the people."

Hardwon: "He said the people who don't have ponytails." Oh wait, I don't hear anything.

Moonshine: Okay, I Chill Touch the eagle.

DM Murph: Roll your attack roll.

Moonshine: That's gonna be a 2 plus a 5. 7.

Hardwon: Band of 2s.

Beverly: 2-bies.

DM Murph: No, you shoot out your Chill Touch and the little eagle flaps out of the way keeps pecking down at the-

Moonshine: Okay, as my Chill Touch misses it turns into a middle finger. So a little insult.

DM Murph: And he just says "Fuck you. Fuck you."

Hardwon: Chill insult.

DM Murph: "Fucking fisherman. Fuck you, I agree. I agree with the hand. Fuck you, I agree. I agree with the hand. I agree with the hand. I agree with the hand."

Moonshine: "Okay y'all, someone has enchanted these animals to attack anyone that isn't a barbarian."

Hardwon: "Sounds like something the barbarians would do."

DM Murph: You see the eagle claws and grabs the fisherman's eye out.

Beverly: "Oh gosh!"

DM Murph: And he's just getting attacked. You guys are standing there talking.

Beverly: I javelin the eagle.

DM Murph: Cool. Throw a javelin.

Hardwon: It really sucks to kill an eagle. I hate that we have to do it.

Beverly: That's a 16.

DM Murph: That hits. Roll damage.

Beverly: That's a 5.

Moonshine: Can I-

DM Murph: It's dead.

Moonshine: Okay, sweet.

DM Murph: Shoots out of the sky. You see the fisherman is just holding his eye. "Ah! Why were you talkin’ to him? Why were you talkin’ to him? Why didn't you just kill him as soon as you saw him?"

Moonshine: "Because we needed him for intel. You'll thank us when we save your gall dang village"

DM Murph: "I'm not gonna goddamn thank you, I don't have a fucking eye, dude!"

Moonshine: I push him into the water.

Hardwon: "You're gonna get a patch."

DM Murph: [laughter] He falls into the water just yelling and hollering.

Moonshine: All right.

Hardwon: Attacked by fish.

Beverly: I give him 10 gold coins.

DM Murph: [laughter] You just throw it into the water, like it's a wish fountain.

Moonshine: "You makin' wishes Beverly?"

Beverly: "I feel bad."

DM Murph: He's holding his eye but still trying to collect all the coins as he goes. You see the Green Teens are so horrified. [as a perturbed Green Teen] "Oh man, this is fucked up."

Beverly: "Yeah, right? It's kinda cool, huh?"

DM Murph: "No."

Beverly: "This is like a Tuesday for us. Like for me and my two scoutmasters."

Hardwon: "Yeah, Cran, this kinda shit happens all the time."

DM Murph: "I was in a bag for a day!"

Moonshine: "Let's run back in."

Hardwon: "Rightfully so."

Beverly: "Yeah, I'm gonna-"

DM Murph: Where you running?

Moonshine: I think we need to run ashore.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: We should head towards Mishka's, right?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So you guys rush into town and you see a druid in a green cloak casting a spell, trying to calm down a horse that is going wild and he casts a spell and the horse calms down and you see he starts to pet it.

Hardwon: All right. So let's talk to this druid.

Beverly and Moonshine: Yeah!

Moonshine: “Hey, what are you casting? How are you gonna- what do you think is going on? “

DM Murph: [Sexy, breathy hipster male druid voice] "Oh hey. I care for the animals here."

Beverly: [Admiringly] "Oh, hey."

DM Murph: "I'm a druid in the middle of a-"

Hardwon: "Do you hackeysack?"

DM Murph: "Hey. My name's Mateo. How are you? "

Hardwon: "Are those devil sticks in your back pocket?"

DM Murph: "Yes they are." And he starts just doing devil sticks.

Moonshine: "Whoa."

DM Murph: You see he's this super hot half elf dude and he has long brown hair that's like covering one of his eyes. [Still talking as if out of breath] "I just love animals so much. And I just need to help 'em but everything's wrong here. Most of the townsfolk are hiding in the temple but the barbarians they ordered a bunch of the animals to destroy it. Shae's tryin' to hold 'em off but she can't do it forever. We gotta get that staff back."

Hardwon: "Damn, you're chill."

DM Murph: "I know, I just wanna save the earth, ya know?"

Beverly: "He's keeping so calm!"

DM Murph: "I'm trying to stay calm but I just love animals." You see he just looks off pensively into the distance.

Beverly: "What can we do to help?"

DM Murph: "I just love animals. We gotta get that staff back from that shaman."

Beverly: "Do you know where the shaman went?"

Hardwon: "Hey Beverly, don't tell him you've killed an eagle."

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Excuse me?"

Moonshine: "We spoke to an eagle."

Beverly: "Oh, the eagle-"

Moonshine: "We both speak with animals."

Beverly: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "I talk to eagles all the time."

Beverly: "Yeah, yeah. And then the eagle-"

Moonshine: "But we don't have full-"

DM Murph: "Hey, what's your name?"

Moonshine: "Uh, it's uh... Diane. [aside] Fuckin' creep."

DM Murph: "Hi Diane, I'm Mateo."

Moonshine: "Yeah, you made that clear."

Hardwon: "And you love animals."

DM Murph: "All right. Let's go save the animals shall we?"

Beverly: "Well, we've gotta get these-"

Moonshine: "Okay, lead us to Shae! Mat."

DM Murph: You see he moves back his cloak and you see he's shirtless under it and the rain just glistens off his muscles.

Moonshine: [giggles, quietly speaks] “Ew.”

DM Murph: "Come now."

Hardwon: "Wow, you're svelte."

Beverly: I look between his pecs and Hardwon’s pecs and then back and forth a couple of times.

Hardwon: Mine are better.

DM Murph: Hardwon's are bigger, for sure.

Beverly: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

DM Murph: [to Hardwon] Go ahead and roll a performance check against Mateo.

[laughter]

Hardwon: What the fuck? [rolls dice] Well, goddamn, that's a 22, Mateo.

DM Murph: [ferocious laughter] He got a 17, so you guys both just start popping you pecs but yours are definitely more beefy.

Moonshine: Can I use Shape Water to make all the raindrops jump from Mateo's pecks to Hardwon?

DM Murph: Oh my god, yeah. Okay, so-

Hardwon: "Mine glistens a little better, doesn't it?"

DM Murph: Hardwon is just glistening so much better.

Hardwon: I snag his devil sticks. Outperform him.

DM Murph: Suddenly a bear runs by carrying scoutmaster Denny. [A panicked Denny] "A little help here, guys!"

Moonshine: I think we just let him loose.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: I think I-

Hardwon: He's good.

DM Murph: "Help!"

Beverly: I have residual feelings for scoutmaster Denny. I can't-

DM Murph: Cool. The bear's just running off with him.

Hardwon: Erlin, Derlin and Cran are-

Beverly: [Panicked] “Oh gosh!”

Moonshine: Is my Speak With Animals still working?

DM Murph: Uh, how long does it last for?

Beverly: 10 minutes. That's what mine is.

Moonshine: [Gasps] Oh shit!

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: So I say to the bear, I say "Have fun."

DM Murph: Bear runs- you see Mateo turns "That man is in trouble. And that bear is in trouble in a way. He's acting against his nature."

Hardwon: "Why are you so out of breath still?"

Beverly: "I don't think you need to make this so grey."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I feel like-"

DM Murph: "I just speak breathy. It's just natural. I love animals. I love animals and nature. You guys don't seem that impressed usually people think I'm cool."

Moonshine: "Nah." Does anyone have Silence stocked?

DM Murph: "Okay, I'm gonna go save this little guy."

Hardwon: "No, yeah. We should all- let's all go save Denny."

DM Murph: "Well you guys can go to the Hungry Trout Inn. That's where the barbarians are. I can save the little halfling."

Moonshine: "I think we go- yeah."

Beverly: "Wait, the barbarians are at the inn?"

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Okay. Well we can't take the Green Teens there. We should-"

DM Murph: "Leave the children with me."

Beverly: "Okay."

Hardwon: "You're about to go wrestle a bear."

Moonshine: "No. We are not leaving children with this man."

DM Murph: "I would never hurt a bear. I'm going to save that bear and I'm going to save that halfling."

Beverly: "You're going to get killed by a bear!"

DM Murph: "Dammit!" and he kissed Hardwon on the lips. "I have to go!"

Hardwon: "Where did you get this sign?"

Beverly: "This is neat."

Hardwon: "I did not put off these vibes."

DM Murph: He runs off with the kids. They go [as Green Teens] "We're gonna save scoutmaster Denny!" and they chase after the bear holding scoutmaster Denny.

Hardwon: Wait, I'm holding on to Moonshine.

Moonshine: "I think that they deserve each other."

Hardwon: "You saw that I didn't kiss him back, right?"

Beverly: "So, wait, are we cool with that? Are we cool with just letting this really, pretty attractive but not super attractive stranger-"

Moonshine: "I think that we need to find the barbarians or whoever is controlling this enchantment and stop them."

Beverly: "It's true. It's only gonna get worse."

DM Murph: You guys hear animals and screams. It is fucking-

Hardwon: "Right. This whole town's about to-"

DM Murph: It is fucking chaos. And that guy just told you that the dude with the staff is at the Hungry Trout Inn and that Shae is holding off people from destroying the temple.

Beverly: Cool. I shout to Erlin and the rest as they're going, I say like "Head towards the temple, you'll be safe there! Don't go with this dude!"

DM Murph: [Erlin, shouting back] "You got it buddy!"

Beverly: I give them the thumbs up.

DM Murph: [Mateo] "But they would be safe with me."

Beverly: "I think that... that's your opinion."

Hardwon: "It might be the kiss, but I actually do trust Mateo."

DM Murph: "Farewell, my friend."

Beverly: "You're sending out a lot of signals, Mateo!"

Hardwon: "Yeah, your lips were super soft!"

Beverly: All right. We should head towards the tavern.

DM Murph: So you guys get to the Hungry Trout Inn and Tavern and you see ravens swirling overhead. Like this is full fucking thunderstorm nightmare shit.

Beverly: Normal.

Hardwon: Hitchcock.

DM Murph: Just ravens swirling overhead. You see barbarians pouring out- you don't see any regular people, just barbarians hanging out at the tavern, drunk and rowdy, celebrating. They've clearly taken the place over. You see the old bard who was playing the fiddle the first time you guys ran into it. You see he's running out of the tavern with a bunch of laughing barbarians. One guy has a whip and is just cracking it at his feet.

Hardwon: Oh, fuck that shit.

Beverly: No thank you.

Moonshine: "Look, we need to sneak in and talk to Mishka or something like that."

DM Murph: He starts running out. Suddenly, you see the orc shaman stands atop the Hungry Trout Inn and Tavern and he lifts the glowing trident in the air and a beam of white shoots into the sky and the birds that were hovering up there are now hovering around it. Suddenly, he's joined by a tall broad shouldered man. Thick of calf and quad. With long brown hair. He wears a single leather pauldron. He's holding a torch. You see he flashes a smile and you see he has several golden teeth instead of missing teeth and he pulls out a leather bullhorn and he yells out. [In a thick and rugged, almost cockney, common British accent] "People of Moonstone. Who woulda thought it. The greatest druid in this village. No, in this world. Is the Cracktooth clan's own Lund Coldspear. And he gestures to the druid next to him and he says, "Give 'im a round of applause everyone". And all of the barbarians start shouting up and cheering.

Beverly: While this is happening can we try and sneak around to the back of the tavern?

DM Murph: Sure. Go ahead and give me a stealth check.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: [rolls dice]...That's a 2 from your boy.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Band of 2bes.

Moonshine: Uh, that's gonna be... 14.

Beverly: All right.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: I got a 7.

DM Murph: As you guys start sneaking around, this dude flashes a gold smile and says, "Well apparently, some people around here don't have any manners and can't listen to a nice man when he's giving a compelling speech." And he turns and he looks at you guys and you see that the shaman next to him also clocks you guys.

Hardwon: Well, at least one of us has impeccable manners. Lookin’ at you Moonshine.

DM Murph: And you see he pulls down the bullhorn, and he says...

Moonshine: I take out my fiddle and start playing.

[laughter]

DM Murph: You start playing the fiddle. Give me a performance check.

Moonshine: I say, "In honor of this great shaman who has displayed powers I have ne’er seen, I would like to play a song."

DM Murph: Roll me a performance check with disadvantage because you don't know how to play the fiddle.

[laughter]

Moonshine: That'll be a 5.

DM Murph: A 5. Okay. You start playing this terrible song on the fiddle.

Moonshine: I'm also singing along.

Beverly: Can I join in to try and help again?

DM Murph: Sure, go ahead.

Hardwon: That's sick.

DM Murph: Do a performance check.

Moonshine: Don't sing about the fucking dragon’s egg.

[laughter]

Beverly: [rolls dice]... That's a 13 plus 6.

DM Murph: Cool. You start singing a beautiful song over this terrible fiddle sound and-

Beverly: I sing the song that Pippin sings in uh-

DM Murph: "Is that Pippin?"

Beverly: in Minas Tirith.

DM Murph: [laughter] Oh, I thought he was talking about the musical Pippin.

Beverly: No!

DM Murph: Oh, okay.

Beverly: The one that Pippin sings after the warden.

DM Murph: Right. The one that when it comes up on your work playlist you're like, fuck I can't concentrate, there's a boy singing.

Beverly: Yeah. I do a dour boy song.

DM Murph: Okay. You sing a dour boy song over terrible fiddle.

Moonshine: I'm playing it wrong. I'm holding it like a guitar.

DM Murph: Great. There's a crash of thunder as all of the barbarians laugh and he goes, "You're funny. You know what, now that I'm the king of this town, you can be my court jester!"

Moonshine: "Okay. It's honorable. It is-"

Beverly: "I do have my-"

DM Murph: You hear the old bard that just ran out of the building. He perks up and he looks at you guys. As he's running away, he stops in his tracks and goes "Ol’ Betsy?"

Hardwon: "That's his fiddle."

Beverly: [to Moonshine] "Hey, he's talking to you!"

Moonshine: "Is this your fiddle?"

DM Murph: “Oh my God” You see he walks over to you guys. "Is that Ol’ Betsy? I could hear her.”

Moonshine: "Is Ol’ Betsy yours?"

DM Murph: [voice trembling] "Can I have her? Can I just hold her?"

Moonshine: "Do you got a fiddle?"

DM Murph: "I do have a fiddle."

Moonshine: "Well, swapsies. We can do swapsies."

DM Murph: "We can swap fiddles. I haven't seen Ol’ Betsy since the dragon was here. They were making us give up our most prized possession to the dragon. I never thought I'd see her again."

Moonshine: "I tuned it, don't worry."

Hardwon: [laughter] "She didn't."

DM Murph: "Thank you so much." You hear in the background [lead barbarian] "Okay, all right, let's stop talkin' to the fuckin' bard. All right, here's the long and short of it. I'm Garesh. I have dominated your people, your beasts, your town. Denounce your god and join us or die."

Beverly: "Hoo-ee. I look at my amulet of Pelor and I shake my head."

Moonshine: Is there a name for my new fiddle that I just got? Does it have a name on it?

DM Murph: It's ‘New Betsy’."

[laughter]

Beverly: I can't... I can't forsake my god. I can't do it.

Moonshine: They're not asking us. I mean, they're not gonna ask us directly.

Beverly: Okay. I whisper that to you. "I can't forsake my god. I can't do that."

Moonshine: [also whispering] "Yeah, you don't need to."

Beverly: "I don't know, he made it seem like I'm gonna have to do that. Like there's gonna be a test. And I can't cheat on a test."

Moonshine: "Bev, just keep it quiet and let's see how this plays out. We don't have the upper hand here, I don't know if you've noticed."

Hardwon: [yelling] “God sucks! Yeah. God sucks!"

DM Murph: "You know what, you look like a strong one. Why don't you come up here with us?"

Hardwon: "All right, all right. Good quads on you brother!"

DM Murph: Do you wanna climb up onto the... and join them?

Hardwon: Sure, I'm climbing up.

DM Murph: You climb up on up. You're up there with the shaman and Garesh.

Hardwon: "Sir. Shaman. Nice beard."

DM Murph: "All right brother, bend the knee."

Hardwon: "Bend the knee? Of course!"

DM Murph: Do you get down on your knees?

Moonshine: He's on both. "He only said bend one knee. Jesus, Hardwon."

Beverly: So courageous.

Hardwon: All right, so I'm gonna- [laughter] goddamnit. I bend the knee. Yes. I bend this guy over and knee him in the face.

[eruptions of screaming laughter and clapping]

DM Murph: Okay. And that's where we'll end our session.

Hardwon: Oh no!

Moonshine: Hardwon-

DM Murph: Hardwon, I thought for a second that you were actually gonna bend the knee.

Moonshine: I think you were thinking about it, and then-

Hardwon: There was. No, you can't like- Beverly won't forsake his god and I won't bend my knee.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: It just can't be done.

Beverly: Hardwon's got his pride.

DM Murph: We'll start off next week with you kneeing this dude in the throat.

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah. The fake knee to the ground and then the real knee to the throat.

DM Murph: Yeah, we'll pick up from there.

Moonshine: Ooh, so you've got some momentum.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: You're coming up from the ground!

Beverly: That's a classic dwarf trick, because they're so used to people having to bend over to talk to them.

Hardwon: That's right.

Beverly: And you learned that from your daddy.

Hardwon: Well, I never knew my father.

Beverly: Well, your adopted daddy.

Hardwon: Right. The mountain.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Alright, so cool guys. So, yeah, we're gonna wrap it up here. Follow us on twitter. @chmurph is me, @caldy is Caldwell, @eaxford is Emily and @JakeHurwitz is jake. Check out the subreddit, guys. /r/ NotAnotherDNDPodcast. That's d, the letter n, d podcast.

Hardwon: Get in there.

DM Murph: Oh! We also wanted to thank- we had- somebody sent us some nice little dice boxes and dice sets which were really dope.

Moonshine: Holy shit! Just behind the scenes, I'm using purple.

Beverly: I got green.

Hardwon: I got the blue.

DM Murph: I got the red. Color of blood. ‘Cause I'm gonna kill these guys next week.

[laughter]

Beverly: Wait, no!

DM Murph: So yeah, we wanted to thank James Thomas who sent these. He said they were made by Dog Might Games which is a fantasy woodworking company.

Moonshine: That is so cool.

DM Murph: Guys, I gotta say, this is a freaking cool product.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: Dog bite.

DM Murph: If anyone wants to send us cool shit, where can they send it Caldwell?

Beverly: They can send it to 1920 Hillhurst Avenue, number 222 Los Feliz California, 90027. That's our PO Box.

DM Murph: Cool guys, so we'll pick up next week with this barbarian showdown.

Beverly: Yep.

Hardwon: Can't wait.

DM Murph: Either an epic fight or fleeing like craven cowards.

Beverly: A craven retreat or an epic fight. You decide! No, we'll decide.

Moonshine: No, we'll decide. Yeah.

Beverly: We'll do it.

Moonshine: In the end, we will.

DM Murph: Now would everyone please join me in the official Green Teen anthem. P.O.D's Youth of the Nation.

Beverly: Absolutely. Gladly.

All: We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are... [fades out]