Keep Creepers

The almost-heroes come face-to-face with the Bullywug king himself, then find themselves trailing an even greater enemy! Hardwon bravely runs away ("because it's smart and not because it's cowardly"), Moonshine gets her stealth on ("like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment"), and Beverly attempts to channel Steve Irwin.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Intro]. Welcome to the campaign after the campaign, this is Not Another D&D Podcast.

[Play begins] Welcome back to Bahumia everyone.

Moonshine: [Singing] Bahumia.

DM Murph: I’m your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy. [Matching Emily’s singing] Bahumia.

Moonshine: Bahumia.

Hardwon: I missed this place.

Beverly: [Singing, really long] Bahumia.

DM Murph: Here with Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner-

Moonshine: If we don’t-

DM Murph: -and Emily Axford.

Moonshine: -meet a half-orc shaman who says, “Bahumia”, I will riot.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: The people will riot.

Moonshine: A one-woman riot.

Hardwon: We’re only a couple weeks in, but we’re already talking about rioting.

DM Murph: So solemnly, “The fate of Bahumia rests in your hands.”

[More Bahumia chanting by the players]

Beverly: Murph’s going to whip up a shaman, but they sound like a real wiener just to spite you.

Hardwon: I really want there to be a deep, bass-y drum. [Mimics drum].

Beverly: Yeah, it’s like the fucking Avatar opening.

Moonshine: Ooh, yeah baby.

DM Murph: So guys, let’s do a little recap. Last week, you improvised some zipline-

Moonshine: Which was awesome.

Hardwon: To great success.

Moonshine: We should’ve stuck around there and hosted some tours. Try and make a little cash.

DM Murph: You did barely make it across, to be fair. You guys had to scoot.

Hardwon: Yeah, but that’s just because we’re heavy. The ropes were good. We should open that shit up for the Jamboreen. When we free these kids, we’re taking them-

DM Murph: Make a zipline?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: [Sales pitch] “A Jamboreen featuring ziplining across quicksand!”

DM Murph: Yeah, so you guys made an improvised zipline, got across the quicksand and made it to the other side, picked up the bullywug’s tracks and you guys found the bullywug camp. There was a lone guard standing next to an improvised gong. Rather than sneak up on him, Beverly took it upon himself to try to trick him with a bullywug mating call.

Moonshine: In his defense, he didn’t take it upon himself. We were all really on board with it.

DM Murph: There was a six-minute conversation.

Hardwon: I think I was the voice of reason.

Beverly: I was proud of my knowledge and I got a little too confident, you know?

DM Murph: The bullywug heard this fake call; just heard a boy yelling in the woods. He hit the gong alerting the camp-

Moonshine: In my defense, I thought that the gong was for ritualistic purposes. Not a warning gong.

Hardwon: A warning bell, same.

Beverly: Turns out-

DM Murph: None of you guys thought they might ring a bell?

Beverly: Turns out warning gongs and ritual gongs? Same gong.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Wouldn’t you believe it?

Moonshine: You’re right. They probably wheel it-

Hardwon: Warned all the Bullywogs and killed all the kids!

DM Murph: We also established that Bullywugs have big, human teeth.

Hardwon: Beautiful.

Moonshine: Big human teeth and-

DM Murph: And a beautiful smile.

Moonshine: -and strong family ties.

[Laughter].

Hardwon: A rich history.

Moonshine: Moonshine is feeling very conflicted. She’s got a ‘Fast and the Furious’ level commitment to family, and she does not know what she just slaughtered.

Hardwon: Oh yeah. It’s a beautiful patchwork of family tradition down in the bullywug swamp.

DM Murph: So, this one bullywug sounded the gong. Seven bullywugs went into the swamp to look for you guys. Hardwon and Moonshine climbed up a tree and Beverly rolled a 1 and fell face-first into the mud. They put their spears to him, Ewok-style, and started to take him away, but Hardwon and Moonshine descended from the trees. With the help of Beverly, they were able to kill all seven of the bullywugs. But then, rather than running away or re-grouping, they decided to hide closer to the camp, at the mouth of the camp, so we left our heroes face to face-

Moonshine: If we had rolled well, that would’ve been dope.

Beverly: It was gonna be, like a pincer attack. It would’ve been super good!

Hardwon: We’ve spied the bullywug king, donning the swampy-wood crown.

DM Murph: You know it’s a good plan when you have to say, “It would’ve been super cool…”

Beverly: If we didn’t fuck up, it would’ve worked.

DM Murph: [Laughing] That’s absolutely true.

Moonshine: I would say that’s probably going to end up being true more than once during this campaign.

Beverly: I think that’s going to be a mantra.

DM Murph: You guys made a ton of noise as you approached this camp. The bullywugs were already at high alert because the gong sounded. Again, not a ritual gong.

Moonshine: I dropped my washboard and every time I tried to pick it up, I just kept accidentally playing it. [Laughs]

Hardwon: Paw Paw’s spazzing out. ...Oh yeah, is he still hiding in the trees?

Moonshine: Paw Paw’s hiding in the trees?

DM Murph: Paw Paw’s still hiding in the trees.

Moonshine: I’m leaving him. He knows my scent.

Hardwon: “Good Paw Paw.”

Moonshine: “Good Paw Paw. You stay.”

Hardwon: Tied him with the leash to the tree.

Beverly: How close is the-

Moonshine: Like a brunching girl with her dog.

Beverly: -the second entourage of bullywugs now?

DM Murph: They spotted you guys. They’re probably around thirty feet away by the fire. They have spotted you. You see this big, pot-bellied Bullywug King with a crown and a little robe.

Moonshine: I would love to disembowel that pot-belly.

Beverly: How much like Boss Nass from ‘Star Wars: Episode 2’ does he look like?

DM Murph: We’re going to get sued by George Lucas, that’s how much he looks like Boss Nass.

Beverly: Episode 1 though.

Hardwon: I can’t even- I can’t describe him.

DM Murph: I can’t describe him. If I did-

Hardwon: Yep, there’s the cease and desist. It just came in.

DM Murph: Just watch Episode 1. It’s a great film, everyone loves it-

[Laughter]

Hardwon: The best one.

DM Murph: [Trying desperately to get this game back on track] You guys need to roll initiative.

Beverly: Oh, shit.

Hardwon: So there’s only seven bullywugs and the king by the fire? That’s the total?

Beverly: Only.

DM Murph: There’s six bullywugs and the king. So seven total.

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: That is all you see right now.

Moonshine: Okay. I’m just putting it out there, I think we need to retreat.

DM Murph: What’s everyone’s HP at right now?

Hardwon: I’m back at full right now-

DM Murph: Oh, great.

Hardwon: -I used my second wind so I’m 22.

Moonshine: He is decent and I’ve got a little longer as-

DM Murph: You’re still the Symbiotic Entity?

Moonshine: Yeah. I’ve got a little longer as a Fungal Entity.

Beverly: Bevy’s working with one dime.

Moonshine: You’re at one?!

Beverly: Ten. Dime.

Moonshine: [Understands the saying, starts laughing] One dime?!

Hardwon: I’m not opposed to a dead-sprint back into the swamp.

DM Murph: All right, everyone. [Sternly] Roll initiative.

Moonshine: That’s gonna be 15.

Beverly: I got a 15 as well.

Hardwon: 17. Do I add anything? I forget.

DM Murph: You guys are so fucking lucky. You’re so lucky.

Beverly: That is a recurring theme.

DM Murph: I can’t believe-

Hardwon: Always escaping by the skin of our glorious, bullywug teeth.

DM Murph: You might not die. For the record, you deserve to die. I’m now gonna roll for the king, but so far you guys have beaten the bullywugs.

Beverly: It’s always a good sign when your DM says, “You deserve to die.”

[Laughter].

DM Murph: You know, if it wasn’t a comedy podcast, that’d be a bad move for the DM.

Beverly: Okay. How’d the king do?

DM Murph: The king didn’t do too great.

Beverly: How did old Noss Bass do?

Hardwon: “Some king.”

DM Murph: So, King Episode 1 Fish did not roll well. [With annoyance dripping from every word] You lucky bastards get to act first. Hardwon, what do you do?

Hardwon: What do you guys- are we sprinting away?

Moonshine: I’d like to run. I think that we run.

Hardwon: We’re gonna go hide?

Beverly: I think we should run.

Hardwon: Denny style?

[Murph laughs].

Beverly: Oppa Denny style.

Hardwon: Scoutmaster Denny has rubbed off on us. Let’s retreat just for a little bit, try to re-group, and form a plan.

DM Murph: So you’re going to do a dash action: run your speed into the swamp?

Hardwon: Yeah, but just so everyone knows this is not cowardly. This is smart.

Beverly: What do you say as you run away?

Moonshine: I think he says that!

Hardwon: That’s what I say.

DM Murph: The king yells, “Have you no honor?!”

Hardwon: [Voice getting quieter as he runs away] “This is the brave thing to do!”

[Laughter]

DM Murph: So you don’t need to roll anything. What is your speed?

Hardwon: My speed is...

DM Murph: Thirty. So you can move sixty feet.

Beverly: You’re like a cheetah.

DM Murph: Which way are you going? Are you going back the way you came?

Beverly: Could we try and lead them to the puddle and have them all fall in it?

Hardwon: “They know this swamp better than we do.”

Moonshine: “Yeah. They probably made that puddle.”

DM Murph: Hardwon, where do you go?

Hardwon: I think we just go- not back the way we came. They’ll be able to follow our tracks. But we’re gonna make new tracks-

DM Murph: You’re going fast, man. Guys, they’re coming for you. Which way-

Hardwon: [Panicking] Other direction! Not back the way we came! Brand new spot!

DM Murph: Other direction. So you just run west.

Moonshine: Are you going towards the castle?

DM Murph: He just goes-

Hardwon: No, the castle’s super far away.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: It’s not that far away. But you start running west.

Beverly: Well, no, wait, we’re running back, so the castle-

DM Murph: God damn it, where are you running?! Tell me where you’re fucking running!

Hardwon: [His urgency reaching a fever pitch now] Fuck it. Fuck it! Towards the King!

[Laughter]

DM Murph: [Exasperated laughter, his annoyance has turned to desperation] Where are you actually running!?

Hardwon: To the castle. To the castle.

DM Murph: To the castle! Okay. So you start running west. That is you, Moonshine.

Moonshine: I also do- I run thirty five- my speed is thirty five, so I’m actually going to be ten feet ahead of Hardwon at the end of this. I point to Beverly and I say, “There’s no sense in losing this youngin’ while we try to save the other youngin’s.”

Beverly: [nervously] “I agree!”

Moonshine: And I’m running. And Paw Paw is in the trees, scurrying alongside me.

DM Murph: How are you alerting Paw Paw?

Moonshine: He knows my scent.

DM Murph: You’re just yelling?

Beverly: There’s gotta be a-

Moonshine: He knows my scent!

DM Murph: If you yell, I’ll- Paw Paw will be able to track you.

Beverly: I feel like you have a really weird whistle that you do.

Moonshine: A weird whistle? Yeah, yeah.

Hardwon: The two little blades of grass.

Beverly: Yeah, yeah.

Moonshine: Oh, actually I was kinda thinking that maybe I get a little snot whistle in my nose, and that’s how I call out to Paw Paw.

[Caldwell vocalises the whistle].

Hardwon: So high pitched.

Moonshine: So faint, and high pitched.

Beverly: Murph, my speed is twenty-five. Am I going to be able to keep up?

DM Murph: You will be a little bit behind them, but you can take a full run action … you guys are all running west?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You’re yelling. You’re making a lot of noise. Paw Paw scrambling through the swamp.

Moonshine: [Panicked] Are you rolling for Paw Paw?

DM Murph: I am absolutely rolling for Paw Paw.

Moonshine: Why? They would never throw spears-

DM Murph: Because you left him by himself in the woods.

Moonshine: They would never throw spears at him.

DM Murph: Paw Paw is-

Moonshine: [Panicked] Okay, whenever Paw Paw gets to me, I’m running and I’m holding my overalls out, so that Paw Paw can leap from the tree into my bosom.

DM Murph: Paw Paw’s gonna try to meet up with you. The Bullywugs-

Moonshine: Oh my god, don’t say try.

Hardwon: Paw Paw’s gonna meet up with us.

Moonshine: Uh, yeah! That’s better.

Beverly: He’s gonna make it.

DM Murph: Let me see the range on this one spell … OK. You guys-

Moonshine: Jesus Christ, they wouldn’t cast a spell on a poor possum!

DM Murph: You guys are able to get away. You guys take off-

Moonshine: -On an innocent possum on a leash?

Hardwon: We murdered people in front of their families. [mocking himself] “Have you no honor?!”

Beverly: Paw Paw’s making the ultimate-

DM Murph: So you guys start running. Beverly is able to run a little bit faster than the bullywogs. You guys [Hardwon and Moonshine] are a decent amount faster than the bullywogs.

Moonshine: Ugh. Thanks. I just wanna run-

DM Murph: Until you stop seeing them?

Moonshine: -until we stop seeing them.

Hardwon: Yeah, out of sight.

Moonshine: I wanna run, and then before we even set up camp or anything, like spy- like wait, make sure they’re not behind us, tracking us.

DM Murph: Okay. So you guys run into the swamp-

Moonshine: Maybe I’ll-

DM Murph: The bullywogs follow you for a bit.

Moonshine: I have a question. I have a question. Can I use shape water to be- like on the mud? To be fucking with our tracks?

DM Murph: No.

[Beverly laughs]

Moonshine: [Awkward pause] ...So that’s a no? Okay.

Beverly: You can’t.

DM Murph: That’s just a flat no. So you guys run into the swamp-

Hardwon: But Paw Paw’s fine?

DM Murph: -you’ve got these Bullywugs chasing you-

Moonshine: Wait. Paw Paw met up with us?

DM Murph: Not yet. Beverly?

Beverly: Yeah?

DM Murph: You’ve got spears at your feet.

Beverly: [Groans].

DM Murph: You’re barely getting away, but you do get far enough into the swamp that you guys are able to escape the Bullywogs. And I’m gonna-

Moonshine: [Groans].

Hardwon: “We have learned no lessons.”

DM Murph: Let’s see what happens to our boy Paw Paw.

Moonshine: Oh my god, you fucking asshole.

[Scared and nervous laughter].

Beverly: Murph just covered the dice.

Hardwon: He has such an evil look in his eye.

DM Murph: So you guys wait … five minutes-

Beverly: No!

DM Murph: … ten minutes.

Beverly: No!

Moonshine: ...This is fucked up.

Beverly: Wait, are we taking a rest while we do this?

DM Murph: Right around the fifteen minute mark, a little possum scrambles out.

Moonshine: Yeah!

[All cheer].

Moonshine: Oh my god.

Hardwon: Good lord!

Moonshine: I just got a knot-

DM Murph: And he looks shook. He’s scared.

Moonshine: I hold out my overalls, which- obviously, I’ve established I’ve got a huge rack. He kinda-

[Laughter].

Hardwon: It’s important we get that out at least once an episode.

Moonshine: And he snuggles in, and it’s so tight like a Baby Bjorn.

DM Murph: You see for once he kinda calms down instantly. He’s usually real crazy and erratic, but right now he’s just like, “I. Almost. Died.”

Moonshine: Paw Paw, what did you see?

Hardwon: [as Paw Paw] “Reer reer reer, reer reER! .

DM Murph: [continues as Paw Paw] “Reer, raw!”

Moonshine: “Okay, I didn’t understand at all. I’m gonna come clean. I don’t know what he’s sayin’.”

Beverly: So, we’re safe for now? We’ve lost them … for the time being?

[A tense silence].

Beverly: ...I guess we’re about to find out.

Moonshine: Can I do a perception check to see if they’re still coming?

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: That’s gonna be-

Beverly: That’s a good roll.

Moonshine: 17. Bitch, no, that’s going to be 20.

Beverly: Ooh, I just rolled a 20.

Hardwon: Yeah, what do I add to the perception?

Moonshine: Did you roll a nat 20?!

Beverly: I just rolled a nat 20.

Moonshine: [Gasps] Our good boy, Beverly.

DM Murph: You guys are so god-damned lucky.

Beverly: [laughs] “I have my spy glass!”

Hardwon: What is perception plus?

Moonshine: It’s plus perception.

DM Murph: Just perception.

Hardwon: Oh, that’s- of course. Which, I have zero.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Fine!

DM Murph: So, you guys just-

Moonshine: [laughs] You have zero perception?

Hardwon: “I’m a big, fucking bearded dude.”

Beverly: That makes sense.

Moonshine: You can’t see past your beard?

Beverly: Yeah, he has such-

Hardwon: “I’m covered in hair.”

Beverly: Hardwon has a lot of male confidence, and has never truly thought about the world around him.

Hardwon: Very unaware.

Moonshine: Ok, Murph, lay it on us. What do we see? Give us the damage.

DM Murph: You see Bullywugs sneaking through the bushes not too far from you guys.

Beverly: Well, we were expecting that!

Moonshine: How many?

DM Murph: You guys can see four. Two heading to the left of you guys, to try to corner you on that side, and two going to the other side.

Moonshine: Question-

Hardwon: The good news is as long as they’re chasing us then I think the kids are safe.

Moonshine: So do we try to- if they’re currently split up, do we run over to two of them that are trying to stealth on us just trying to take ‘em two at a time?

Hardwon: Oh, like take out their-

DM Murph: They’re not running in different directions. They’re watching you guys, and they’re trying to ambush you.

Beverly: Got ya.

Hardwon: Okay, okay.

Moonshine: “So we ain’t gonna get a nap. Although, if there’s only four- if they only sent a scouting mission, then we may be able to take these out?”

Hardwon: “Yeah, but that gong done got rung. We are-”

Beverly: “When you hit the gong, things go wrong.”

Moonshine: “When the gong’s a-ringin’-”

Beverly: “Wrong’s a-bringin’.”

Moonshine: “Wrong’s a-bringin’. When the gong’s a-ringin’.”

Hardwon: We either gotta go at ‘em, or can we run to the castle, and get around the walls?

Moonshine: I don’t think that’s gonna get ‘em to stop.

Hardwon & Beverly: Then we would at least be fortified.

Moonshine: Okay. Yeah.

Beverly: I think- we can at least see where the castle is, right?

DM Murph: You can not see it right now. You saw it when you were up in the tree. Moonshine has a general idea of where it is, because she saw it, but she’ll have to do some nature checks to find it.

Beverly: I think we should just- we’re pretty good at killing bullywugs.

Moonshine: Uhg … famous last words!

Beverly: [laughs] That’s true!

Moonshine: I don’t know. What do you guys think? If there’s only four, then I would feel a lot more confident than if-

Hardwon: Oh wait. Do we all still have the scrolls from the-

Beverly: The water-walking scrolls?

Moonshine: We have the water-walking ones.

Hardwon: Not the water-walking- the, uh … didn’t we get potions from-

Moonshine: We have healing potions.

Hardwon: We all have healing potions.

DM Murph: You have two left.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Oh, because somebody-

DM Murph: [to Beverly] You used one on-

Hardwon: My dead ass?

DM Murph: [to Hardwon] Beverly used one on you.

Beverly: I think I should, maybe use a-

Hardwon: “And I’m gonna keep mine for myself.”

Beverly: Yeah. I think maybe I should use a potion. I only have 10 hit points right now.

DM Murph: Okay. Well, you’ll have to ask for Hardwon’s.

Beverly: “Hardwon, could I, um … could I have your potion? I hate to- um, I really hate to-”

Hardwon: “No, it totally makes sense. Yeah, it’s yours. It’s yours, little buddy. You’re a good boy.”

Beverly: “Ok. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Moonshine: “Hardwon, that’s very nice.”

Beverly: “Did you put something in this?”

Hardwon: “Uh, no. That’s just, uh … ”

Beverly: “It tastes different.”

Hardwon: I just filled it up with water. I have another- I have the healing potion behind my back.

Moonshine: Okay, okay. Murph’s rolling. So are we gonna go-

DM Murph: [Seriously, breaking their silliness] A spear comes flying out from the trees.

Moonshine: He doesn’t like-

Beverly: “Let’s head to the castle.”

DM Murph: That’s a-

Moonshine: No, we have to fight them now.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: -13 to hit Beverly. That does not hit Beverly.

Moonshine: OK. We’re fighting them, we’re fighting them. Stop rolling spears.

DM Murph: Yeah, I know you’re fighting them. It’s a surprise round.

Hardwon: Oh. Fuck.

DM Murph: Ok. Two of them miss.

Beverly: Ok.

DM Murph: The other two are throwing spears from the other side. One misses. And one hits Hardwon.

Hardwon: [In a high voice] Why?

[Laughter]

DM Murph: They’re throwing at all of you guys.

Beverly: [Sarcastically] Unfair.

DM Murph: Ok. That is 4. 4 damage.

Beverly: Quick question before we-

DM Murph: Hardwon gets hit with a spear. Everybody roll initiative.

Hardwon: [Exasperated] Again?

Beverly: Murph, do- how much does the potion-

Moonshine: Oh baby! 21 for me!

DM Murph: 2d4 plus 2.

Beverly: Ok. 7.

DM Murph: What did you get, Hardwon?

Hardwon: 6.

DM Murph: 6. Moonshine, you’re first!

Moonshine: Alright!

Hardwon: Let’s go!

Moonshine: I’m going after- I do like, a sick swamp roll.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: Getting super muddy.

Beverly: You get stuck in the mud.

Moonshine: I get super muddy. And I’m just attacking one of them.

DM Murph: Go for it.

Moonshine: With my scimitar. No longer Shilellaghed though, because that only lasts for a minute.

DM Murph: Cool. You guys see them in the bushes. You guys saw them going around, but then stuck around and drank potions and spoke.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: So they threw spears at you guys. So, there’s two behind you and two in front of you. So, you’ll run out out after-

Beverly: I feel like-

Hardwon: There’s only four? We’re gonna fucking cut these guys down.

Moonshine: Yeah, well. Maybe.

Beverly: I try and drink the potion faster, and everyone's like, “come on, faster” and I’m like, “I can’t! I’m bad at taking big gulps!”

Hardwon: [as Bev] “It’s so carbonated!”

Moonshine: Ok, 21 to hit.

DM Murph: That does hit.

Moonshine: Ok, but, that’s only…

Beverly: [Groans]

Moonshine: So it’s 3, but I add another d6 because I’m in spore mode.

Hardwon: Hell yeah.

Moonshine: Hit him for 6.

DM Murph: Ok.

Beverly: And then?

Moonshine: And then-

DM Murph: How long are you in Symbiotic-

Moonshine: It lasts for an hour.

DM Murph: Oh! Dope. Ok, yeah.

Moonshine: And then [blows a kiss], kiss-

Hardwon: Ooh, kiss of death, baby.

Moom: For 6 more.

DM Murph: How much damage is that total?

Moonshine: 6. 6, so 12.

DM Murph: Oh, yeah. You kill this dude.

Beverly: Nice!

Moonshine: Woo! I swing my scimitar around and it looks kinda like a stripper dance.

Hardwon: There’s still three more.

DM Murph: As you’re doing that, the other bullywug comes at you. Tries to bite you with his big toothy grin. And that is a 12 to hit?

Moonshine: [Cackles] That’s also a fucking miss!

DM Murph: Ohh my goodness.

Hardwon: Yus.

DM Murph: Then he’s gonna swing at you with his spear and he’s certainly gonna hit. 4 damage.

Moonshine: Ok.

Beverly: Do you want that? The damage? Do you want to take it?

Moonshine: I think, yeah. It’s fair.

Beverly: Ok. She’s gonna take it.

DM Murph: The other two guys are going to descend from the other side and one is going to go after Bev, and one is going to go after Hardwon.

Hardwon: Come at me.

DM Murph: One swings at Bev and is going to hit. The spear. For 2. He rolled poorly.

Beverly: I say, I do a little joke, I say, like, “I’ll take the tall one!”

Hardwon: They’re both towering over you.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: And he misses with his bite. The other guy is gonna take a swing at Hardwon.

Moonshine: I love that they bite us.

Hardwon: I don’t think so.

DM Murph: And he hits-

Hardwon: Alright.

DM Murph: -for 6. And he tries to bite. And he crits.

Beverly: These slimy- Oh god.

Moonshine: What?

Hardwon: Fuck me.

Beverly: I hate that these slimy friends lead with their mouth every time they fight.

DM Murph: 6 damage.

Moonshine: Are you standing still?

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah. I was at full when I came in. How much is that total?

DM Murph: 12.

Hardwon: I’m pretty fucked, but I’m still there.

Moonshine: Oh, mother fucker.

Beverly: Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.

DM Murph: That is Bev.

Beverly: Alright.

Moonshine: Bev, take ‘em out!

Beverly: I guess I got no choice. Alright. I fight the bullywug.

DM Murph: Great.

Bev. 20. 15 plus 5.

DM Murph: That super hits.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: Big ol’ hit. And that’s going to be-

DM Murph: Good for you.

Beverly: What’s my sword? d8.

Beverly: That’s 7 plus 5. That’s going to be 12.

DM Murph: Dope! Finish him.

Beverly: Ooh! Ok. We’ve sliced them in pretty much every direction. What the heck, I’ll mix it up. I do a diagonal.

DM Murph: Great. You cut him diagonally, he feels everything. You know he’s going to hell for is sins.

Beverly: Yeah, I say, “Forty-five degrees!”

DM Murph: Hardwon.

Hardwon: Great. I’m going to spin around, take a swing at this bullywug that just got me with his spear. Oh wait, no, fuck that. First I’m using my action surge.

DM Murph: There you go!

Beverly: Yeah!

Moonshine: Yeah! Now you get the hang of it.

DM Murph: Well, you actually- You know what? I’m going to say-

Moonshine: It only took four episodes.

DM Murph: -you probably shouldn't do that, because you know you can kill these dudes in one hit. So why don’t you attack, see if you miss, do an Action Surge if you need to.

Beverly: There you go. We’re learning!

Hardwon: Dude, don’t tell me how to do my fucking job. [Laughter]

Moonshine: Woah! Hardwon demands-

Hardwon: I am going to do that, but only because I thought of it simultaneously. As you were saying that. What about Great Weapon Fighting? Do I only get to use that once too?

DM Murph: If you roll a 1 on your 12,

Hardwon: Oh, then I can-

DM Murph: Then you roll again.

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: Or a 2.

Moonshine: So you can use that any time.

Beverly: Oh wait, Murph. You owe us two lines of dead bullywug dialogue.

DM Murph: Oh, sure.

Hardwon: That is a 5 plus- oh wait. 5 plus 6- 11?

DM Murph: That does not hit.

Hardwon: Fuck.

Moonshine: Action Surge! Action Surge!

DM Murph: Blocks it with his shield. Now you can use your Action Surge!

Hardwon: Action Surge!

Beverly: Yeah! Hardwon!

DM Murph: Dope!

Hardwon: How do I do that?

DM Murph: You just take another attack.

Hardwon: Alright. That’s a 3, bitch.

DM Murph: Oh my goodness! This bullywug is just owning Hardwon in one on one combat!

Hardwon: I decapitated a snake!

DM Murph: Losing to a frog in a duel is Hardwon Surefoot.

Beverly: Right after I slice one in half-

Hardwon: Thank god I don’t know my parents, they’d be so disappointed.

Beverly: I slice mine in half and say, “It’s easy Hardwon, you try!”

DM Murph: Moonshine, you’re up.

Moonshine: Ok, I’m going to- Who’s in front of me? No one’s in front of me, right?

DM Murph: Just one guy. Yeah.

Moonshine: One guy’s still in front of me?

DM Murph: Yeah, you killed one, the other guy’s still there.

Moonshine: Ok, I’m going after the guy that’s there.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: Ohh, I’m definitely going to hit it. I’m talking a-

Beverly: Yeah!

Hardwon: Yup, yup, yup.

Moonshine: 19.

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: That’s big DDs.

Moonshine: I lift my scimitar, go after ‘em.

Beverly: This accent is shifting a little bit.

Moonshine: 4, plus! 1. 5.

DM Murph: 5 plus what?

Hardwon: What about spores? Can you spores this dude?

Moonshine: Plus 6 spores, so 11.

DM Murph: You have just enough to kill this guy.

Beverly: My-

Moonshine: Oh wait! Can I say how I do it?

Beverly: Oh, yeah yeah.

DM Murph: You sure can.

Hardwon: Finish him.

Moonshine: I put my finger in my mouth and then I give him a wet willy full of toxic spores.

Beverly: Ooh, that’s great.

DM Murph: And a mushroom grows in his ear canal-

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: -and blows out the other side.

Moonshine: Yeah, bitch.

DM Murph: And he says, “No, I loved music!”

Moonshine: [upset to hear that] Then I say-

Hardwon: Play him a song on your washboard!

Moonshine: I play him a song on my washboard. I play him-

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I can’t hear it!”

Moonshine: I play him a-

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I wish I could hear it!”

Moonshine: I play him the slowest-

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “Please let me hear it.”

Moonshine: The slowest dirge on my washboard.

Beverly: I like that-

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I want to hear my favorite song one last time but I can’t!”

Moonshine: Ok, he’s making me feel so guilty that I snap his neck.

Hardwon: Hardwon’s just like, “Shut him up!”

DM Murph: [as Hardwon] “Please kill him!”

[Moonshine laughs]

Beverly: Cool.

Moonshine: So there’s only one left.

Beverly: Yeah, one left.

DM Murph: And it is his turn.

Moonshine: And he’s gotta fight Hardwon.

Beverly: Should we-

DM Murph: He’s going to try to bite Hardwon first.

Hardwon: Of course. Why wouldn't he?

DM Murph: And he misses. And he’s going to try to stab him with his spear. And he misses.

Hardwon: And he misses!

DM Murph: He does miss.

Hardwon: Ooh! Great.

DM Murph: That’s Bev.

Beverly: Alright. Um-

Moonshine: Are you going to leave him for-

Hardwon: Get this dude off my back, man.

Beverly: -I think that, yeah. I’m going to try and convince the party that we should maybe take him hostage? Can I- You know what? I will contain him. What move would that be?

DM Murph: Grapple?

Moonshine: Grapple!

Beverly: Yeah, I’ll grapple him.

Moonshine: Oh my god, little Bev, just grappling-

DM Murph: Ok, go ahead and do an opposed strength check.

Hardwon: And I would really be trying to kill him, but I have, uh, 2- [overspeak]

Beverly: So that’s just going to be a d20 plus my strength?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: That’s going to be a 12 plus 5. 17.

DM Murph: You win. You are holding this bullywug in place.

Moonshine: Ok.

Beverly: I feel like- because I’m smaller than the bullywug so, I like to think that I deploy some sort of nerve pinch, and then he’s on the ground.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: Ooh.

DM Murph: Well. Being grappled just means that he’s in place right now. He’s not incapacitated, you’d have to knock him out. You’d have to get him to 0.

Beverly: Ok.

DM Murph: Or, if. I mean, he’s grappled right now. Whose turn is it next? It is Hardwon’s turn. Hardwon, if you were to assist him, I’ll say that you guys could pin him down.

Beverly: Ok, cool.

DM Murph: But right now you guys are just in a struggle and you’re winning.

Moonshine: You might-

Beverly: Ok, cool. “Hardwon, pin him!”

DM Murph: Hardwon, it’s your turn.

Hardwon: I’m going to chop him in half.

[so much laughter]

DM Murph: Go ahead and attack with advantage. Roll 2 d20s and pick the higher.

Beverly: This is like in basketball if I set you up for an alley-oop and you just shot the ball.

Hardwon: I did not roll that high.

Beverly: I don’t want to say this often, but I hope you fail.

Hardwon: Oh. That’s a 14.

Beverly: Goddamn it.

DM Murph: That. Well.

Hardwon: No, 13.

DM Murph: That’s it? Jesus Christ.

Moonshine: 13 doesn’t hit.

DM Murph: Well. If he’s grappled, he wouldn’t have his shield up, so I’ll say that his AC is slightly lower-

Beverly: No, I think- yeah, he’s fine. He’s still pretty strong. He’s gonna be ok.

DM Murph: I’d say him losing a grapple, it’d be pretty hard for him to get away. I’ll give him a little less AC. I’ll say that Hardwon hits.

Beverly: [sadly] Alright.

Hardwon: Great.

DM Murph: It’s also funnier if Hardwon kills this guy.

Beverly: Because I, like a dutiful dog have brought this parcel back.

Hardwon: I do only hit him for 6.

DM Murph: 6 plus what?

Hardwon: Uh, no. That was total.

DM Murph: Wow.

Hardwon: I rolled a 2. Plus 4.

DM Murph: You can reroll a 2, you have great weapon fighting. [Yelling] Learn your skills, Hardwon!

Hardwon: That’s what’s up, dude. That’s the great weapons skills coming at you. That’s ah- That’s- but not the math skills! That’s a 9.

DM Murph: A 9. Ok. You slash this dude up, but he’s still alive.

Beverly: I like that- yeah

Hardwon: That was super to incapacitate him.

Beverly: So the way that would work-

DM Murph: Now it’s Moonshine’s turn.

Moonshine: Ok, Moonshine would like to use, and I don’t remember- I don’t have this cantrip on me, but in my head- so it’s Chill Touch. So, in my head, what I’d like to do is turn my hand into an icy hand and hold him by the throat.

Beverly: So nobody’s really down with the hold a hostage plan?

Moonshine: No, no, no.

DM Murph: Do you wanna just knock him out with Chill Touch?

Moonshine: Yeah. So I knock him out.

DM Murph: Ok. So you do nonlethal damage. Go ahead and roll an attack. A spell attack roll.

Moonshine: [groaning quietly] I got a 2.

DM Murph: You got a 2.

Beverly: She got a 2. Alright, so, you like, warm his cheek slightly.

DM Murph: So the spell fizzles in your hands, you’re not able to do it. It is now this dude’s turn. Give me a strength check, Beverly, because he’s going to try and get out.

Beverly: Ok.

Moonshine: I need to look up chill touch.

Beverly: That’s going to be a 21.

DM Murph: He rolled a big fat 1. That is your turn again, Bev.

Beverly: Can I- I’m holding him. Can I talk to the other party members now?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can talk to them for a sec.

Beverly: “I think we should- I think we should hold him hostage!”

Hardwon: “I really want to kill him.”

Beverly: “Ok. that’s your opinion-”

Moonshine: "I like-"

DM Murph: You can also let go and just hit him with the butt of your sword and try to knock him out.

Beverly: Yeah. Let’s do that.

DM Murph: You can just knock him out.

Beverly: I’m gonna knock him out.

Moonshine: If we knock him out and tie him up, and then you can, you know, like-

DM Murph: Beverly, give me an attack roll.

Hardwon: I’m with you guys, but I’m not. You know?

Beverly: That’s going to be a 15.

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: Roll your damage. Or, if you’re just doing nonlethal damage, your bonus is automatically going to be enough, so he only has a couple HP left. You ‘bang!’, hit him with the back of your sword-

Hardwon: “You used the wrong side of your sword.”

DM Murph: The bullywug gets knocked out. He collapses to the ground.

Beverly: “I'm so sorry, scoutmaster.”

Moonshine: Moonshine has tied up her share of hogs, so she just does a real good, like, rodeo tie of him. So, he’s all tied up.

DM Murph: Cool. He’s tied up rodeo style.

Beverly: I am impressed.

Moonshine: And like all of his feet up.

Hardwon: Hogtied.

DM Murph: Yeah, you hogtied him.

Moonshine: I hogtied him.

DM Murph: So he’s down on his belly. His feet are tied up. His hands are tied up.

Moonshine: Whenever he comes to, then we’ll have a chat with him.

Hardwon: So, do we make for the castle and try to contain him and question him? Or do we- We still don’t know what the castle-

Moonshine: Do we want to do that?

Beverly: Or should we just take a rest?

Hardwon: Yeah, we need a rest.

DM Murph: Do you guys want to carry him somewhere or do you want to stay here?

Moonshine: I think we need to carry him and hide somewhere.

Hardwon: Yeah we got to go hide.

Moonshine: Because there could be more. We gotta hide.

Hardwon: We have to fucking hide for sure.

Beverly: Let’s uh-

Moonshine: Is there a cave nearby?

DM Murph: Ok. Hardwon, do me a strength check to see if you can carry this dude.

Hardwon: Not a problem. That’s a fucking 16.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Oooh, ok!

Hardwon: That’s even more than than, because I- That’s a strength roll?

DM Murph: Yeah, what’s your strength bonus? Plus 4?

Hardwon: That’s a 20, baby.

DM Murph: Damn. Hardwon-

Hardwon: Even with 2 HP, Hardwon’s still got it!

Beverly: Dude gets straight hoisted.

DM Murph: Hoists! Hoists!

Moonshine: Fireman carry.

Hardwon: Yeah, that’s it.

DM Murph: Hoists the bullywug over his shoulder-

Hardwon: It’s all in the thick legs.

DM Murph: As you guys go deeper into the swamp.

Moonshine: Or maybe you should do, like a piggy back.

Hardwon: Cool, I tie him around my waist like a braided belt.

Beverly: Yeah. Well, he’s passed out, so we can’t ask him what he prefers. I want to mention that I do take out a handkerchief- a very fancy silk handkerchief and I gag his mouth so that he cannot scream.

DM Murph: Got it. He’s gagged. Right over his beautiful teeth.

Moonshine: Good. And then, as we’re walking, even though I’ve been leading the charge with my stealth, I’m actually going to be taking up the rear and mucking up-

Hardwon: Covering the tracks.

Moonshine: Yeah, I’m throwing muck all over everything.

Hardwon: Muck- [overspeak]

DM Murph: Ok.

Beverly: I liked what Emily was saying. Should we maybe see if there’s a place to hide out around here? Like a cave or a-

Moonshine: Some kind of cave.

Beverly: Or a boulder, like some sort of recess?

Moonshine: “Gentlemen, I gotta say. I don’t think we’re getting a nice cozy fire tonight, ‘cause that’s just gonna just attract attention.”

Hardwon: “Yeah. No fires at all. For sure."

Beverly: “I agree.”

Moonshine: “No fires. I think we’re having a dark hang.”

Hardwon: “Yup. The jambalaya’s going to have to wait.”

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me a-

Moonshine: "We’re going to have to have raw jambalaya."

Hardwon: Gonna make this guy eat his own-

DM Murph: Give me a nature check to see if you’re able to find a decent place to sleep or to hide.

Moonshine: So I got 14.

DM Murph: Ok. It’s kind of easy to hide in the swamp because there’s all these weeping willows and stuff with super low hanging leaves. You guys are able to find a mostly dry area. The driest area you could possibly find in this kind of swamp.

Moonshine: I go for the moistest area I can find.

Hardwon: Classic.

DM Murph: You. Ok. Are you gonna sleep in the wet mud?

Moonshine: Yeah! How else are you going to make a cushion? You’ve never made a mud cushion?

Beverly: How else are her spores going to grow?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Ok. So everybody’s just sleeping in the swamp in the wet mud?

Hardwon: I’m going right up, just a tad, just a touch higher. I’m going to curl up with that bullywug for warmth.

DM Murph: The bullywug- ok- so, you guys-

Beverly: We’re not doing like a full night’s sleep. We’re just taking a short rest, right?

DM Murph: Well, a short rest, you can just take a break.

Moonshine: I think we should do a full night’s sleep.

DM Murph: Do you want to do a full night’s sleep?

Beverly: I’m worried about the-

Hardwon: Bullywug? This guy’s tied up.

Moonshine: This guy’s tied up.

DM Murph: This dude has woken up. He’s like, thrashing.

Moonshine: “I think that we should question him.”

DM Murph: Ok.

Moonshine: “And then,” can I say something without him hearing it?

DM Murph: Yes.

Moonshine: “I think we should question him. Once we get the satisfactory answers, I think we should give him an honorable death.”

Hardwon: “It’s the least we could do.”

Moonshine: “It’s the least we could do. I’ll give him the kiss of death.”

Hardwon: “That’s nice. That’s a good way to go. I will not chop his head off.”

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

Beverly: “That’s very big of you.”

Hardwon: "Appreciate that."

Moonshine: “And then I think we take a full night’s rest. And then I think that I’m hopin’ that we’ve disrupted that camp enough that we can go get the youngins tomorrow.”

Beverly: “I’m worried! I’m worried that we won’t have enough time. I think that once they give up on looking for us, they’ll head right back to the camp and take out their anger on all my friends!”

Hardwon: “I don’t think they’re-”

Moonshine: “I don’t think it’s anger-”

Hardwon: “They’re not gonna give up in looking for us since we killed four of the people they sent after us.”

Beverly: “That’s true.”

Moonshine: “Think about it. If you were plannin’ a big feast of youngins, or anything! If you were plannin’ a big party and someone came and attacked your party and then ran away, you probably would delay the party.”

Beverly: “It’s true.”

Hardwon: “You don’t have the party-”

Beverly: “I am planning my sweet sixteen currently, and that is what I would do. Alright. So should we wake up the-” So the bullywug is awake?

DM Murph: So he’s awake. So you guys find- you guys are kind of hiding under the leaves of this hanging weeping willow - Hardwon, you found a mostly dry area. These guys might get sick tonight laying in the wet mud.

Moonshine: Can I use my Chill Touch cantrip, not to try to hurt him, but just to create the skeletal ghastly hand?

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: For intimidation purposes.

Hardwon: Oh, nice.

Beverly: Yeah, for sure.

DM Murph: Roll an intimidation check.

Moonshine: That’s going to be a 15.

DM Murph: Cool. So this guy’s already tied up, he’s already very scared, and you see he’s got the gag in his mouth he’s just [imitates blurbling over a gag, as if his head is shaking violently].

Hardwon: “Shhhh.”

Moonshine: And then I use my ghastly skeletal hand to say “shhh” on his lips.

Beverly: “Do we take the gag out?”

DM Murph: You see he nods.

Moonshine: Yeah. My ghastly skeletal hand takes the gag out. It’s very dexterous.

Beverly: I think we should probably have a- Well, you’ve got the skeletal hand. That’s probably going to spook him enough into not screaming.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: I feel I can bitch slap him.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: “So first question first is: when is the ritual sacrifice?”

Moonshine: “Yeah. What are y'all planning to do with the youngins?”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “The, the what?”

Moonshine: “The yougins?”

Beverly: “Come on.”

Hardwon: “The little green ones. The guys that look like this guy.”

Moonshine: “The wee ones!”

Beverly: “You know, everyone that’s wearing this very cool, stylish uniform that I’m wearing? They’ve got a lot of badges like mine. Not as many badges as me, but-”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”

Moonshine: “Ugh. Ok.”

Hardwon: “You don’t have to shake your cheeks back and forth.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “This is how I speak.”

Hardwon: “It’d be easier to understand you.”

Moonshine: “You do got some loose cheeks.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “This is how I speak. This is how I was born.”

Moonshine: “You ever heard of face yoga?”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I don’t know what that is.”

Moonshine: “Yeah ok, well, I’ll show you a little bit after.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] You guys killed so many of my friends.”

Moonshine: “And stop calling ‘em your friends.”

Hardwon: “How do you get your teeth to look so white?”

Moonshine: “Yeah, seriously.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “You just brush twice a day and you floss every night.”

Beverly: “What do you floss with?”

Moonshine: “Oh, really? So all y'all, just like every night everyone gets-”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “Just a big leaf.”

Hardwon: “So, great dental hygiene and you kill teenagers?”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “We don’t kill teenagers! We’re trading them.”

Beverly: “You’re what?”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I mean no. We’re… Stop.”

Beverly: “He just said something.”

Moonshine: “For slavery.”

Hardwon: “Training them for what?”

Moonshine: “Are you slave traders?”

Beverly: “Did you say-”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] [slowly] “Trading.”

Hardwon: “Trading. Trading.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “Trading with a D, dumbass.”

Hardwon: “Dangit. I killed your fucking parents.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “Come on, man.”

Moonshine: “I don’t think you’re quite in the position to be throwing around words like that, mister.”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “I’m sorry. I’m so mad at you guys.”

Moonshine: I give him a, with my skeletal hand, just a tiny slap. Like, just a little slap.

DM Murph: He dies. I’m just kidding. [as bullywug] “Ow, stop that.”

Beverly: “I just do feel like if you stop shaking your head, you’d be able to assonate-”

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “This is how I speak with my big cheeks.”

Hardwon: “What are you trading the teens for?”

Beverly: I go up to the back of his head and clamp his head in place so he can’t shake.

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “Ok. Alright.”

Moonshine: “Oh wow.”

Beverly: “See, that sounds so nice!”

Hardwon: “Huge improvement!”

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “We’re trading-”

Moonshine: “Ooh! Dulcet tones! Hello!”

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “We’re trading the human children-”

Moonshine: “Oh my goodness!”

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “To the kobolds, and they in turn are going to give us weapons.”

Hardwon: “You sound so much smarter when you don’t shake your head.”

Moonshine: “Real quick, Beverly, take your hands off.”

Beverly: I take my hands off his head.

DM Murph: [as bullywug] “We’re giving them to the kobolds so that we can trade-”

Hardwon: “Stop! Hold his head!”

Moonshine: “Ok, put it back on, back on, back on!”

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “Yes. Yes. Very well then.”

Beverly: “See, when you talk like that, you sound so eloquent.”

Moonshine: “Honestly, I mean if you came in-”

DM Murph: [as well-spoken bullywug] “It feels very unnatural.”

Beverly: “But you sound so good!”

Hardwon: “So, they’re not killing the kids, they’re trading the kids.”

Beverly: “Ok, when is the trade happening?”

DM Murph: “The trade is happening tomorrow morning.”

Beverly: “Oh, so we have time.”

Hardwon: “Let’s take a fucking nap! Let’s kill this motherfucker and go to sleep!”

DM Murph: “What did you just say? Excuse me?”

Beverly: “Nothing, nothing.”

DM Murph: “Hey, hey! I’ve helped you! You’ve killed many of my friends…”

Moonshine: I say, “You know what, your voice is just so beautiful that I can’t help myself.”

DM Murph: “Thank you so much! Thank you-”

Moonshine: And then I kiss him and spores him.

Hardwon: [laughing] No!

Beverly: “Ah, please. Come on.”

DM Murph: You spit the poison spores into his mouth and he goes, [as well-spoken bullywug] “Et tu, Moonshine?”

Hardwon: “How did he know your name?”

DM Murph: [as well spoken bullywug] “Et tu, Moonshine?”

Moonshine: “How did you know my name?”

DM Murph: And he collapses.

Beverly: “This is the most kissing I’ve ever experienced.”

Mono: “Well, hang around me and you’ll experience a lot more. Not first hand of course. My kisses are dangerous.”

Beverly: “It’s very uncomfortable. We’re going to have to have a big talk about this wanton killing. I mean, it’s ok in self-defense, but-”

Moonshine: “It’s not- you know? I’m with you, Beverly, because they seem like a moral people in some ways…”

Hardwon: “Yeah, when their cheeks stop shaking so much, very articulate.”

Beverly: “Any civilization that has such a good grasp on dental hygiene probably has some level of intelligence. That’s all I’m getting at.”

Moonshine: “I just feel as though they traded-”

Hardwon: [yawns loudly, interrupting] “I’m gonna go to sleep then.”

DM Murph: Hardwon passes out.

Beverly: “Well ok. I guess we should carve him up and use his entrails for warmth.” I do that.

DM Murph: Ok. You carve up the bullywug tauntaun style-

Beverly: Yeah, I tauntaun this bullywug for sure.

Moonshine: I prepare as nice of a meal for Paw Paw as I can.

Beverly: Yeah. Oh yeah-

DM Murph: Paw Paw is slightly distrustful.

Beverly: Do we have any food?

Moonshine: Why?!

DM Murph: [quiet mildly annoyed Paw Paw noises]

Moonshine: “Paw Paw what’s wrong? Why don’t you trust Mama?”

DM Murph: You see the hairs kinda standing up on his back. [more mildly annoyed Paw Paw noises]

Beverly: Ohh. Is this-

Moonshine: “Paw Paw, what’s wrong? … Is… Is something amiss?”

Hardwon: At the crick?

Moonshine: “Is somethin’ amiss?”

Beverly: Down at the old crick.

DM Murph: You see he mimics going up a tree.

Hardwon: And being left there.

DM Murph: And being left behind. It’s beautiful theater. He uses his little paws. He does charades.

Moonshine: “Oh my Melora!”

DM Murph: He does the “one.” He puts up one finger.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: “Uh huh. Ok. One word.”

DM Murph: Ok, then he does three syllables.

Moonshine: “Three syllables, ok. First syllable.”

DM Murph: And he looks sad. Like he’s been left alone.

Moonshine: “Abandoned.”

DM Murph: And you see he goes [noises of opossum dissent]

Moonshine: “Ok. Oh my Melora.”

Hardwon: I turn to Bev, “This thing actually is kinda smart.”

Moonshine: “Paw Paw, I am so sorry. You know what? From now on you stay in my overall bib.”

DM Murph: You see Paw Paw nods.

Hardwon: He burrows deeper into her breasts.

DM Murph: He burrows into your overalls.

Moonshine: “Lord knows there’s ample room and cushioning in there.”

DM Murph: You guys going to bed for the night?

Beverly: Yep.

Hardwon: Yep.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Bedtime. “Finally! Bedtime!”

DM Murph: Beverly screams, “BEDTIME! YES!”

Beverly: Hooray!

Moonshine: Inside of a bullywug.

DM Murph: Bullywugs swarm from every direction.

Moonshine: You know, I have actually only need four hours of sleep. Four hours of meditation-

Beverly: Do you want to keep watch?

DM Murph: So, you just need to be in a trance, yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah, so I’m going to keep watch.

Beverly: Do we have any food or anything?

DM Murph: I would assume you guys brought some food with you.

Hardwon: Yeah we got that snake stuff and the-

DM Murph: Are you going to make a jambalaya?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: No, we don't have fire to make a jambalaya.

Beverly: We don't have enough stuff for a jambalaya.

Moonshine: Not to mention I don’t have any saffron.

Hardwon: Of course. Hardwon has an Rx Bar. He’s going to be fine.

DM Murph: Hardwon has enough Cliff Bars for everyone.

Moonshine: I can find you some berries and, you know, I’ll take first go at them. And if they’re safe, you can eat them.

Beverly: I think I probably brought the fantasy equivalent of Ritz Bitz.

DM Murph: Great. Cool.

Moonshine: A Lunchables.

Beverly: Anyone want some Ritz Bitz-

Hardwon: Instead of underwear.

DM Murph: Beverly, just eating muddy, wet ham.

Moonshine: Ew!

DM Murph: And crackers.

Beverly: [with his mouth full] “There’s plenty here if you want some.” … Alright, I’m going to bed. I do pull my retainer out of my backpack and put that in.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: And I nestle up in my impromptu sleeping bag.

DM Murph: Excellent.

Moonshine: It’s a dead body.

Beverly: It’s warm!

Moonshine: It’s a dead body.

DM Murph: So you guys-

Moonshine: I enter my trance.

Hardwon: I’m rolling myself up in my traveler’s cloak.

DM Murph: Great. You guys sleep through the night.

Beverly: Peacefully!

DM Murph: It was already pretty late at night, so the sun comes up, you guys sleep late into the afternoon.

Moonshine: No we don't!

DM Murph: You have to!

Hardwon: We’re just Netflix and chilling.

DM Murph: They need to get eight hours of rest to get their stuff back.

Beverly: Ok, yeah. What do you do-

Moonshine: Well maybe we should only do half then so that we can go save-

DM Murph: They won’t get their HP back. It’s up to you.

Beverly: Got to be the full eight. Listen, Emily, doctors worldwide have recommended eight hours of sleep. Even in fantasy realms.

Moonshine: I’m just saying, what will we get back if we do a short rest?

DM Murph: You get your spells back after four hours. Beverly needs a full rest to get his spells back.

Moonshine: Don’t they get to roll some hit dice though?

DM Murph: They can roll their hit dice-

Moonshine: I’m concerned though, because he said that tomorrow morning is when the trade is happening.

Beverly: I thought he said tomorrow. Did he say morning?

DM Murph: He said tomorrow morning.

Beverly: Ok.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: That’s what I’m saying. I think we only have four hours.

Beverly: Alright. So we should just so a short rest, I guess, for like a-

Hardwon: Short rest.

DM Murph: Ok, so do a short rest, but do the four hours so you get your spells back?

Moonshine: I get my spells back, and then-

Beverly: Mhm.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: What will they get back? They get hit die?

DM Murph: Roll your hit dice for short rest.

Moonshine: I don’t know. What do guys think? I’m not trying to steamroll this. I just-

Hardwon: No, no. I think that-

Beverly: I think that’s wise.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: These kids are about to get traded for a whole bunch of weapons, and then the bullywugs are going to be armed with more than spears and teeth.

Moonshine: Exactly.

Beverly: I feel like you wake us up after four hours and we’re both very groggy, but we understand.

Moonshine: And I’m perfectly refreshed. I’m like, “Good morning! Good morning sunshines!”

DM Murph: So you get to roll, you have 2d10s to expend, Beverly. And you have the same thing, Hardwon.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: So you can roll 2 d10s.

Beverly: Time for numbers!

DM Murph: And get your stuff back.

Hardwon: That’s a 9.

Moonshine: [singing] It’s number time!

Hardwon: And a 4.

DM Murph: Cool, 13.

Beverly: Ok, that’s a 1.

Hardwon: 13 back to my 6!

DM Murph: 13 back, and you also get your action surge back and your second wind.

Beverly: I regain 10.

DM Murph: Ok.

Beverly: Oh, that puts me at full health, cool.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: I think if we can get these Green Teens- if we can destroy the rest of the bullywugs, then I think we can take a full rest.

Beverly: We’ll have earned it.

Hardwon: I’m at 19 now, so I’m only 2 from full.

Beverly: Murph, do I get anything back? Like, Divine Smite or things like that?

DM Murph: You do not.

Beverly: Ok. Cool.

DM Murph: Divine smite uses a spell slot.

Beverly: What about Lay On hands? Which is a once a day thing.

DM Murph: That’s a once a day thing. You’ll get that back after a long rest.

Beverly: [like it’s not cool] Cool! Alright.

Moonshine: Ok.

Beverly: “I’ve got my wits!”

Moonshine: So what’s our game plan for… sieging?

DM Murph: Have you waited four hours to get your spells back?

Moonshine: Yeah. We’ve waited four hours.

Beverly: Well. I guess we could have asked the bullywug where they were keeping the teens, but… Hm… Well. Hindsight.

Moonshine: Hindsight, I guess, right.

Hardwon: Totally. Totally hindsight. Probably back by the fire. That’s where we saw the king. The king’s got to be involved in the trade-

Beverly: Yeah, we should probably double back to the fire.

Moonshine: I think we should just straight up go back there and kill all the bullywugs.

Hardwon: Just go straight-up murder.

Moonshine: Unless you guys want to do some kind of sneak in to save them.

Hardwon: Let’s do a sneak.

Beverly: I think a sneak would be wise.

DM Murph: So you guys hear a high pitched scream in the distance.

Hardwon: [high] Alright!

Moonshine: Ohh. So the trade is already happening.

Beverly: Alright, alright.

DM Murph: Not in the direction of the camp.

Beverly: Uh huh.

DM Murph: But more towards the direction that you guys came from.

Moonshine: Of the castle?

DM Murph: Like halfway between the castle and the bullywug camp.

Beverly: Does it sound like a teen scream?

DM Murph: Give me a perception check.

Beverly: Alright. Yeah, I know these people. I would probably be able to tell. “That’s old screaming Jeff!”

Hardwon: “It was so high pitched, what could it be?”

Beverly: That’s going to be a 12.

DM Murph: Beverly. That was Erlin.

Beverly: [distraught] “Erlin! No! We drilled each other on basket weaving! Late into the evening!”

Hardwon: Hardwon clocks your basket weaving patch.

Moonshine: Yeah, I think Moonshine is definitely like, “Mmm, I gotta put that to use.”

Beverly: “Oh gosh, Erlin.”

Hardwon: Basket weaving was clearly your first patch.

Moonshine: It’s the most faded by the sun.

Beverly: “We’re in homeroom together. We have to go! We have to go towards the scream right now!”

Hardwon: Yeah. Let’s go.

DM Murph: So you guys go towards the scream. Go ahead and give me nature check to see if you guys can kind of track and find where you’re going.

Beverly: Cool.

Moonshine: I got a… 14.

DM Murph: Ok. Everyone can kind of give me a check. Or maybe survival? Survival might be better.

Beverly: I got a two. So. I’m blinded with rage.

DM Murph: Beverly is no help.

Hardwon: If it’s survival I got 14.

Moonshine: Oh, survival? I would get 17.

DM Murph: Ok. Great.

Beverly: I’m beside myself.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you’re able to lead these guys-

Hardwon: He’s so worried about Erlin he can’t-

Beverly: [whining] “Erlin.”

Moonshine: [imitating Bev] “Erlin!”

DM Murph: And you guys start to hear chatter, like there’s a big gathering.

Moonshine: Ohh. They’re meeting with the fricken kobolds.

Hardwon: Yup.

Beverly: So, stealth mode.

Moonshine: We’re stealth mode, by the way.

DM Murph: So, all of you guys going to stealth and see this or only some of you?

Moonshine: Maybe just I should go.

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Since I have Mask of the Wild.

DM Murph: Moonshine, give me-

Hardwon: Nah, Beverly is beside himself. He really shouldn’t be-

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: [hyperventilation]

Moonshine: I say, “Hardwon, you show him some tenderness.”

Hardwon: “I have to stay with-”

Beverly: [desperately] “Erlin! Erlin taught me how to do… Well… Stuff.”

Hardwon [deadpan]: "There, there."

Moonshine: “Hardwon, open your arms.”

Hardwon: “Fine.”

Moonshine: “Give him a big hug.”

Beverly: [heavy breathing]

Hardwon: “Not so tight.”

Beverly: [whispering] “Thank you.”

Moonshine: "Ok. I see you’re keeping space between you and him."

DM Murph: Moonshine pushes them together.

Hardwon: Two twelve year olds at a dance.

Beverly: “You gotta let me go!”

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me a stealth roll-

Moonshine: Do I get-?

DM Murph: With advantage because you can use the Mask of the Wild.

Moonshine: Ok. I got 14.

DM Murph: Ok.

Beverly: Fuckin’ love doing math with my friends.

DM Murph: So, you sneak up, Moonshine. You see about ten kobolds, five bullywugs, and the king. Two of them, the leaders are standing in the middle and communicating. You see the head bullywug is obviously the king guy. He’s bigger than the others and he wears the crown of mismatched jewels and twigs. Then the head kobold is wearing a blood red robe.

Beverly: How much like Boss Nass does he look like?

DM Murph: The kobold?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Not at all.

Moonshine: I was going to say, do I have any idea of kobolds and their comparative strength to bullywugs?

DM Murph: They are a little bit smarter and savvier than bullywugs, but not as hardy.

Moonshine: Ok! Interesting. Interesting.

Hardwon: Ok, yeah.

Beverly: “Erlin loves kobolds.”

Hardwon: Wait, how many of them were there? Five? Or-

Moonshine: How many? Ten, right?

DM Murph: There are ten kobolds-

Hardwon: Oh shit.

DM Murph: Five bullywugs, and then the king bullywug.

Moonshine: Ok.

DM Murph: The bullywugs have with them three bags.

Hardwon: Burlap sacks?

DM Murph: Burlap sacks.

Beverly: Are they writhing canvas sacks?

DM Murph: They are writhing canvas sacks.

Beverly: Ok.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you also notice a smaller, ‘bout knee high, Crick bullywug.

Beverly: [gasps]

DM Murph: With a makeshift leash around his neck.

Moonshine: [gasps]

DM Murph: And he’s being held in place-

Beverly: Fucking rude!

Moonshine: “Oh my goodness. We would never do that to our Crick bullywugs. We let them run naked in the streets.”

Hardwon: “Just like the children.”

Moonshine: “Just like the children.”

Beverly: Oh wait, that brings up a very good question-

Moonshine: “They play with fire.”

Beverly: I have a question from earlier. What’s the clothing situation on all the bullywugs and kobolds?

DM Murph: The kobolds are nude.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: They’re little dragon rats-

Moonshine: Do they have six packs?

DM Murph: That are standing.

Hardwon: So not defined.

DM Murph: Bipedal dragon rats. And the bullywugs are wearing what look like potato sacks.

Beverly: Ok.

Hardwon: Not unlike the burlap sacks they use to carry the kids.

DM Murph: Yeah, you kind of get the feeling that maybe they made their clothes out of burlap sacks. Just sort of cut arm holes out and then wore them as dresses.

Moonshine: Can I do some sort of- Can I look around and see if I can see any kind of vehicle the kobolds came on?

Beverly: Oh, smart, yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah, go ahead and give me a perception check.

Beverly: Can I see if it looks like the kobolds are sensitive about the fact-

Moonshine: 10.

DM Murph: You’re not near here, unless you want to do a stealth check.

Beverly: No. Ok.

Hardwon: I was just- “Calm down, Beverly.”

Moonshine: 10.

DM Murph: 10? You don’t see any vehicles. What you do see, though, is you see three of the bullywugs grab these burlap sacks, these writhing burlap sacks, hand them over to the kobolds, who in turn hand them a bunch of crossbows and longswords.

Beverly: [jealous] “Aw, cool.”

DM Murph: Then, you also see two of the kobolds have wings. They take off, flying, and they start circling as the eight other kobolds drag the burlap sacks.

Beverly: “Hardwon, let me throw a javelin!”

Moonshine: Ok. I am going to stealth back to them.

DM Murph: Ok.

Moonshine: “So, the trade just happened. I think that we should just leave the bullywugs with their weapons. We’ve already taken a dent at their army. We’ve already destroyed their morale. I think that maybe we should try to get the youngins from the-”

Hardwon: “Right. The mission is saving the kids. Not killing bullywugs.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, so that’s what I think-”

Beverly: [mildly possesed] “I want to murder every one of slimy, beautiful toothed-”

Moonshine: “Ok. Oh dear.”

Hardwon: [pumped] “Good boy! That’s a good boy!”

Beverly: [panting]

Moonshine: “What did you guys do when I was gone? You gave him bloodlust!”

Hardwon: “I’m his scoutmaster. I’m training him now.”

Moonshine: “I’m his scoutmaster, too.”

Beverly: “Everyone has two scoutmasters on-”

Hardwon: Paw Paw’s like, [excited reers]

Moonshine: Yeah! Paw Paw’s scoutmaster!

Hardwon: “Nope.”

Beverly: “This is just like Pelor predicted. This is just like in the teachings. A dark scoutmaster and a light scoutmaster. And I must choose which path I must take.”

Hardwon: “Let’s go collect those children.”

Moonshine: “Here’s the thing though. Only hiccup is that there are two kobolds airborne, and I believe they are some kind of spy. Sort of a surveillance. So they may spot us. The question is, there are ten kobolds. Do we just try to stealth up on them, and if we don’t, we just fight them all?”

Beverly: “Just slice through them like paper.”

Hardwon: We’re just trying to track them. Right? Just trying to track them to where they’re bringing the kids?

DM Murph: You won’t have to do as difficult of stealth rolls if you’re just following them at a safe distance and tracking them.

Moonshine: I think we are. Yeah. Let’s do that.

Hardwon: Let’s just track them.

Beverly: “Hold on, before we do that, how are we going to handle the airborne kobolds?”

Moonshine: We’re going to stealth.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: Ok. But they’re in the air. I don’t think we can stealth them in the air.

Moonshine: Yes we can.

DM Murph: You guys can hide under trees.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Oh, ok.

Moonshine: Ok.

Hardwon: Let’s do that.

Moonshine: So we’re stealthing at a distance. Just tracking them.

DM Murph: Great. Give me some stealth rolls. You guys would have to pretty colossally fuck up.

Moonshine: Oh! I got a nat 20.

DM Murph: Perfect!

Beverly: Ooh!

Hardwon: I could’ve colossally fucked up! I got an 8.

Beverly: I got a 12.

DM Murph: Ok. That’s ok. I’d say anything above a 5 is not a colossal fuck up.

Moonshine: But does my- But since I got a nat 20-

Beverly: Ok, cool.

Hardwon: Great.

Moonshine: Since I got a nat 20-

DM Murph: Yeah, nat 20.

Moonshine: Maybe my stealth rubs off on you guys.

Beverly: Uh huh.

Hardwon: I’m hiding under the spores.

DM Murph: Moonshine is leading the way, she’s able to clock the winged kobolds.

Moonshine: And like, an umbrella- the top of a mushroom comes out like an umbrella that we hide underneath.

DM Murph: So you guys-

Hardwon: “See, I don’t need that. I know how to hide.”

Moonshine: “Hardwon get the- get under.”

DM Murph: You guys follow the kobolds at a safe distance. You’re easily able to hide yourself in the thicket of weeping willows, but after tracking them for some time, you push aside a curtain of leaves and you see that you’re in a big clearing. You look ahead and you see the kobolds dragging the sacks into a giant half sunken keep. So you see that-

Moonshine: Oh, the goddamn castle that we almost went into!

Hardwon: Yup.

Beverly: What if we had slept there?

Hardwon: Wow.

Moonshine: Oh, Melora.

DM Murph: You guys would’ve died.

Beverly: [laughing in disbelief] We almost slept there!

DM Murph: If you guys would’ve run in there, just got shot by arrows as you just walked into the archway.

Beverly: Aw, cool.

Hardwon: [hypothetically] “Just need a place to lay my head!”

[laughter, someone makes arrow noises]

Hardwon: [hypothetically] “Augh!”

Beverly: All right, so we’re still pursuing.

Moonshine: Where is the-

DM Murph: So you guys are able to stand at the clearing. You probably can’t pursue them. I’ll just tell you what you guys see.

Beverly: Suddenly, the kobolds trade all of the Green Teens to a bunch of orcs-

Moonshine: And then we follow them!

DM Murph: To a bunch of orcs, and then, yeah, the orcs trade them to some humans who are the barbarians!

Hardwon: Finally back to scoutmaster Denny for one hundred gold!

DM Murph: Scoutmaster Denny was the evil one all along.

Beverly: He planned- Oh my god.

DM Murph: Imagine if scoutmaster Denny was the big bad evil guy of this campaign?

Moonshine: That would be so funny.

Beverly: [Imitating scoutmaster Denny] “You didn’t want to make it easy on you, did you?”

DM Murph: [Imitating scoutmaster Denny but sounding like Mickey Mouse] “Listen! Listen you fools!”

Moonshine: He sounds like Mickey Mouse!

DM Murph: Sounds like Mickey Mouse right now.

Beverly: I like it.

DM Murph: By the time you guys run into scoutmaster Denny again I’ll remember his voice.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Okay. So, you guys see that the right side of the castle, the southeast guard tower is sinking. You see that part of the castle has nearly collapsed. You see the archway at the center is completely open and rusty chains hang where the drawbridge used to be. It looks like the keep has no ceiling because you can see light and the tops of the distant trees through the archway. It looks like the top floor maybe just fell and became the ground floor for most of the keep, from what you can see here. The only structures that appear to be almost completely in tact are the four guard towers at each corner of the keep. So it’s like a square, it’s got the four corners, and each one has a guard tower. The one to your right, right in front of you, is sunken below the rest of them.

Beverly: Why? You said there’s a drawbridge with like chains?

DM Murph: Where the drawbridge used to be.

Hardwon: It’s just like an old decrepit-

Moonshine: So is there a moat?

Hardwon: It’s falling apart.

DM Murph: It’s an old decrepit- yeah. It’s falling apart. It’s sinking a little bit. There’s not a moat. It’s like low water that has damaged the integrity.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: Gotcha.

DM Murph: And it has started to sink.

Beverly: We wouldn’t need to jump or swing across to get in?

DM Murph: You would not need to jump or- Well. I guess you don’t know. But now you do know because I tipped my hand. You do not need to jump or swing across to get there.

Moonshine: Well, I can use shape water and make us a little ice bridge.

DM Murph: You do see that the guard towers all have little arrow slits for guards to shoot out.

Beverly: It could be for passing Pop Tarts through.

Hardwon: They’re probably not passing Pop Tarts.

DM Murph: So go ahead guys, and everybody give me a perception check.

Beverly: Ok.

Moonshine: It’s gonna be a 13 for me.

Hardwon: 8.

Beverly: Going to be a… 9 for me.

DM Murph: Wow. You guys are not perceptive.

Beverly: Suck it, Hardwon!

Moonshine: Oh shit! 11, not 13.

DM Murph: Oh boy. Ok. Moonshine, you see the two winged kobolds come down and settle in that southeast guard tower. The one to the right. The one that’s sinking. You see them go into that one, and you see other kobolds just drag the kids in and then you lose sight of them.

Moonshine: [whistles in disappointment]

DM Murph: It would be tough for you to be able to see into the other tower to see if there’s guys there, but you guys didn’t roll high enough so you can’t tell.

Moonshine: Do I know what kobolds eat?

DM Murph: You would assume that they eat meat.

Moonshine: [apprehensive] Okay.

DM Murph: Because they’re like little dragon guys.

Beverly: Safe.

DM Murph: You do know, what would be common knowledge, is that kobolds do not see very well in the daytime. So, they would have a little bit of trouble seeing you now.

Moonshine: Ohhhh.

Hardwon: So maybe somebody tries to sneak up and see if they can get a better look?

Beverly: Seems like sneak time.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: Seems like we need-

Hardwon: Let’s go easy on the blind rage.

Beverly: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Moonshine: Ok.

Beverly: I’m feeling calmer now.

Moonshine: I'm going to sneak up.

DM Murph: Ok. So. Are you just like fucking crawling through the muck?

Moonshine: Can I burrow a hole? Can I burrow like a mole?

DM Murph: There’s low water. You could kind of like swim into-

Moonshine: Like a crocodile?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can swim like a crocodile.

Hardwon: Look like a little floating mushroom.

Moonshine: Ok. I’ll swim like a crocodile.

DM Murph: Moonshine, roll me a stealth check as you swim like a crocodile.

Moonshine: And I get to roll with advantage because-

Beverly: Because it’s cool?

Moonshine: Because Mask of the Wild.

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Beverly: Because you said a cool thing.

DM Murph: Because it’s dope.

Moonshine: Wow. One was a 1. And the other was a 7, bringing me to a big ole’ whopping 9.

DM Murph: Ok. Let’s see what these guys roll.

Hardwon: 9? That’s huge. Huge roll. Is there a higher number?

Beverly: The kobolds are like, “Hey, there’s a wet lady over there!” “Are you sure? It looks like a crocodile to me.”

DM Murph: Okay. Moonshine, you, somehow, despite splashing a bit while trying to be a crocodile- Like, maybe you pop your head up a few too many times trying to be croc-like.

Hardwon: “Just be a mushroom!”

Beverly: Yeah, I think-

DM Murph: You do manage to make it to the front without them seeing you.

Moonshine: “Oh, thank Melora.”

DM Murph: So you enter through the archway, you’re in the middle. You’re in the front of the castle.

Moonshine: Oh my god. This is too much.

DM Murph: You’re kind of tiptoeing. You’re looking around the corner.

Moonshine: Again, I’m like full Catherine Zeta Jones.

DM Murph: Full Catherine Zeta up against-

Moonshine: Like suddenly my overalls look like they’re a tight pleather suit.

DM Murph: Right.

Beverly: Yeah, because they’re wet.

DM Murph: So you’re-

Hardwon: Awesome.

Moonshine: They’re just clinging to my my form now.

DM Murph: You’re at the front of the castle peeking in. Up against the wall so the guard towers wouldn’t be able to see you easily unless they were turned around looking back at the gate.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: So, you peek around the corner. You see and you can hear kobolds at work.

Moonshine: What kind of numbers are we talking about?

DM Murph: You see about six kobolds that are cutting a table up.

Hardwon: Thank god you didn’t say burlap sacks.

Moonshine: I know!

DM Murph: Cutting a burlap sack full of kids up-

Moonshine: They’re just cutting the dead bodies for parts.

DM Murph: You peek around, you see that clearly this used to be several rooms but some of the walls have collapsed. It looks like they're mess halls, because there are four very long wooden banquet tables. These clearly weren’t made by kobolds. It was probably here with the original keep. But you do see that the kobolds are cutting up one of them.

Moonshine: Oh, they’re cutting the banquet tables.

DM Murph: They’re cutting them up.

Moonshine: Oh, ok. So they aren’t planning a banquet.

DM Murph: Right. So-

Moonshine: So the Jamboreen is canceled.

Beverly: Officially.

Hardwon: Very not happening.

DM Murph: There are also barrels of stinking rotting meat along the walls. Immediately to your right-

Beverly: Teen meat?

DM Murph: Not teen meat.

Beverly: Ok. Good.

DM Murph: Well, you can assume not teen meat.

Moonshine: Ok.

Beverly: Thank god.

DM Murph: You can see to your right there is murky green water in a doorway and you can see that the room is clearly flooded. And then to your left you can see that you can get to the southwest guard tower from this room. And ahead on the other side of the room is wooden door that you see kobolds opening and walking in and out, and it looks like they're bringing the wood into that other wood.

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: What the hell are they doing with this wood?

Moonshine: I’m going to stealth back. Tell everybody what I saw.

DM Murph: Roll me a stealth check.

Beverly: Cool… They’re probably using the wood to make smaller chairs.

Moonshine: This time I got an 8.

DM Murph: You got an 8. Total?

Moonshine: [quietly] Yes.

Beverly: Not a whole bunch, no.

DM Murph: Ok. As you swim back, crossbow bolts shoot out from the southwest guard tower-

Beverly: At us?

DM Murph: You guys see the tower to the left starts shooting down at old Cathrine Zeta here in the mud.

Beverly: Oh, ok.

Moonshine: [remorseful] Oh god. I was too hot.

[laughter]

Moonshine: I attracted attention.

Hardwon: She had to be noticed.

DM Murph: That’s a 16 to hit.

Moonshine: [whispering] That’s going to hit.

Beverly: [sadly] Oh boy.

DM Murph: Ok. That’s 5 damage.

Moonshine: [whispering] Ok.

DM Murph: And then the other guy is going to shoot. And he misses. He shoots down [whoosh] into the water.

Moonshine: [under her breath] Fucking idiot.

DM Murph: What do you do?

Moonshine: Ok. I just try and run into the forest.

DM Murph: You run off into the forest.

Beverly: Bye.

Moonshine: Ok, so I run off into the forest. I try to grab your guy’s attention.

Beverly: Do we notice her?

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys see her.

Beverly: Ok, cool.

DM Murph: She gets back to you guys.

Moonshine: “Hey.”

Hardwon: [hopeful] “Is it good news?”

DM Murph: You guys see the winged kobolds that were in the southeast guard tower fly up into the air.

Beverly: I think we might be bad at stealth, y'all.

[laughter]

Moonshine: Ok, so we need to hide. We need to find an area that’s really, really hidden from aerial surveillance.

DM Murph: You guys are in an area right now where there are a lot of tree tops because you’re no longer in the clearing.

Moonshine: Ok. We’re good.

Beverly: So we’ve got cover.

DM Murph: You have cover right now. So you guys can hide right now.

Beverly: Murph, with my history check, I have a proficiency in history, would I know anything about this keep?

DM Murph: Yes. You would. Go ahead and give me a history check.

Beverly: You want to roll?

DM Murph: Roll- roll it!

Beverly: You want to roll the dice?

Hardwon: Why not, dude? Come on.

DM Murph: Rolling dice is fun.

Beverly: I’m gonna roll the dice… That’s a 9 plus 2. That’s an 11.

DM Murph: So you know that there was a paranoid noble that used his fortune to build this keep out in the swamp.

Hardwon: Does he know anything about what these things might be doing with the chopped up wood? Does he know anything about the uh…

DM Murph: What they would be doing with the chopped up wood?

Beverly: Wait, do I?

Hardwon: Yeah, like their culture? Their rituals?

Beverly: “Well, they’re small so they’re probably using them to make smaller tables that they can use.”

Hardwon: “That’s very, very optimistic.”

DM Murph: It would depend if there are any Green Teen sayings that would help in this situation.

Beverly: “The only thing I know is that ‘if a kobold’s tail is waggin’ then a dragon... is a… dragon.’”

Moonshine: “Cool. Absolute nonsense.”

Beverly: “I’m nervous!”

Moonshine: “They are words but they don't make any sentence.”

Beverly: “Sorry, let me try that again. ‘If a kobold’s tail is waggin’ then nearby, there’s a dragon.’”

Hardwon: “Ok.”

Moonshine: “Ok.”

Hardwon: “But the dragon’s dead.”

Beverly: “Maybe.”

Moonshine: “I gotta be honest. I have no fucking clue what to do here.”

Beverly: [disappointed] “Huh.”

Moonshine: “They’re alerted to our presence, we’ve got surveillance on us, I don’t know what they wanna do with the youngins. I don’t think we can take on- I gotta take a healing potion or something if we’re going to fight them.” Well, no. I won’t take it quite yet, but.

Beverly: “Guys, I didn’t want to do this but I think we should call my dad.”

DM Murph: [sarcastic as hell] Beverly pulls out a cellphone and level 10 paladin shows up and just kills all of the kobolds and you win.

Hardwon: Sweet! Beer?

Beverly: [sigh of relief]

DM Murph: So, just to be clear. And not to give you guys any hints or anything. All you have done is been right in front of the keep.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: We should do a perimeter sweep.

DM Murph: You have not moved around the sides. You have not done anything else.

Hardwon: So if we stay under tree cover so we try to avoid the flying… What are they called again?

Moonshine: Kobolds.

Beverly: Kobolds.

Hardwon: The flying kobolds. Make a perimeter of the castle.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: See if there’s any weak points we might be able to-

Beverly: So we should-

Moonshine: Maybe we’ll travel under, with the coverage of the trees towards the other side of the castle.

Beverly: We should act-

DM Murph: You want to go to the right, like around the sunken side or do you want to go to the left?

Beverly: I think we head towards the sunken side and see if we can swim through.

Hardwon: We can breach the walls there too.

Beverly: We should act like we’ve ever played a video game and make sure we look around all the sides of the stupid castle.

Hardwon: I’ve never played a video game before but let’s do it.

Beverly: This is the only dorky thing Jake has ever done.

Hardwon: And it is the most dorky thing ever.

Beverly: I like it. You went zero to one hundred. I love it.

Hardwon: Zero to twenty.

Moonshine: Ooooh! So we’re stealthing beneath the cover of the trees around to the sunken side-

Beverly: Uh huh.

Hardwon: Yup. Case the castle.

Moonshine: Case the castle!

DM Murph: You guys stealth over to the right side.

Beverly: While we stealth, I whisper stories about shenanigans that me and Erlin got up to.

Moonshine: None of them are shenanigans.

Hardwon: Mostly jerking off to scrambled channel.

Beverly: “One time the teacher wasn’t going to give us homework, but then Erlin and I perked up and reminded him!”

Hardwon: [imitating Beverly] “And that night we both had a wet dream!’ [as Hardwon] “Please be quiet.”

Beverly: “I was in Erlin’s. He wasn’t in mine.”

[laughter]

DM Murph: So you guys sneak over to the east side of the castle. You see that the southeast side of it is mostly sunken in, but you see that the northeast side in the back, you see that there are still two floors. That the walls go up higher.

Hardwon: Got it.

Beverly: So is there water on this side? There is.

DM Murph: Yes, there is water.

Beverly: Can I see if there’s a submerged or partially submerged window or opening that we can just swim through to get inside?

DM Murph: Would you like to try to swim under and see what you can see?

Beverly: Yeah, I’ll do that.

DM Murph: Cool. Ok.

Beverly: Is that cool with everyone?

Hardwon: Fine with me.

Moonshine: Yeah, I guess it’s fine. You’re going to have to stealth.

DM Murph: You’re going to have to swim fifty or sixty feet.

Beverly: That’s fine.

DM Murph: So you go under-

Beverly: “You best believe I got my swimming patch!”

DM Murph: It’s murky so you can’t really see that well. I am going to roll for somebody.

Beverly: Ok… Ooh…

Moonshine: Oh god. Is there a-

Hardwon: There’s another fucking snake.

Moonshine: There’s a funking moat beast.

Beverly: Hey Murph, just real quick before I do any of the cool stuff. I also just realized that I have lucky and I can reroll on a 1 which would’ve been helpful last episode-

DM Murph: Sure. Yup. You should do that. You guys should know your skills.

Hardwon: That’s not on me!

Beverly: I do have a skill called divine sense, which I don’t think is like a- is that a spell slot skill or can I just use that?

DM Murph: I think that will help you if something is innately good or evil. I don’t think that gives you-

Beverly: Ok. I just didn’t know if I could smell any evil here.

Moonshine: You’re also underwater so if you take a big deep sniff, um.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: You instantly drown. You didn’t deserve the swimming patch.

Beverly: It floats to the surface.

DM Murph: So, Beverly. You start swimming. Go ahead and give me a Perception check.

Beverly: Ok.

Moonshine: Ooh, that’s bad.

Beverly: That’s going to be a 4.

Moonshine: Oh lord.

DM Murph: This is an unlucky episode for the gang.

Moonshine: Ohhh lord.

DM Murph: Ok.

Beverly: Without any prior knowledge, I just pull out my javelin and start jabbing in every direction.

DM Murph: Bev, you’re swimming. The water is very murky so you basically just have to keep going until you see if you hit a wall.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Ok, so you’re swimming, you’re swimming-

Beverly: Sounds like a great plan. I do that.

Moonshine: This is going to be so bad. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

DM Murph: Suddenly… You feel the jaws of a crocodile.

Hardwon: That’s what you were pretending to be!

Beverly: What! Oh my god!

Moonshine: Oooohhh…

Hardwon: That’s why it didn’t attack you before.

Moonshine: Yeah, it thought I was a-

DM Murph: That is going to be a…

Moonshine: He’s got 18.

DM Murph: 16 to hit.

Beverly: [sigh of relief] I have 18 to hit!

DM Murph: Snaps at your feet. What are you doing?

Beverly: I pull out a javelin and wedge it in between his mouth.

DM Murph: Go ahead and make an attack. Roll initiative.

Moonshine: Ooh, to try and skewer him like a little finger sandwich?

Beverly: Yup. I’m going to try and skewer it.

Hardwon: For the jambalaya.

Beverly: Because I tell you what- yeah. Some fucking gator in that jambalaya? Ooh, daddy.

Moonshine: Ooh, bullywug, snake-

Hardwon: Warm the dice up.

Beverly: 13 plus my strength. That’s going to be an 18-

DM Murph: No, no, no. That’s roll initiative.

Beverly: Oh! Initiative?

DM Murph: You’re in a fight with a crocodile.

Moonshine: 13 is your initiative.

Beverly: Ok, so it’s just going to be 13, sorry. I got ahead of myself.

DM Murph: Ok. You do go first.

Beverly: Ok!

DM Murph: The way underwater combat works is-

Beverly: Easier?

DM Murph: You get disadvantage on most attack rolls, but javelin does not get a missed attack roll - or, a disadvantaged attack roll.

Beverly: I just want to- I think you get what I want to try and do.

DM Murph: That’s just an attack roll. You can’t just kill him in one hit.

Beverly: No, I don’t want to kill him, what I want to do is wait for him to open his mouth super wide and then I’m going to shove the javelin in sideways and-

DM Murph: And try- Ok.

Beverly: Mhm.

Hardwon: Oh, like toothpick him.

Beverly: I’m going to toothpick him.

DM Murph: So you’re going to prepare a reaction to try to- A whole javelin?

Beverly: It’s a halfling javelin!

DM Murph: It’s a regular javelin.

Moonshine: I think the DM is saying this is a bad idea.

Beverly: Ok, cool. Yeah. Emily has played D&D enough with Murph to see that glint in his eye.

DM Murph: I mean, if you want to try to break the javelin over your knee and try to, cartoon style, perfectly place it in his mouth-

Beverly: Uh huh.

DM Murph: You can try.

Hardwon: I’m not taking any hits. Let’s do it!

[laughter]

Beverly: Yeah. Let’s try it. Why not?

DM Murph: Ok. So first do a strength check to see if you can break the javelin.

Hardwon: [amused laughter] Oh no.

Moonshine: [with disbelief] Oh my god. You’re destroying your weapon.

Beverly: That’s going to be a 14.

DM Murph: You break the javelin in half.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: And you’re preparing a reaction to try and shove it in his mouth-

Beverly: Yes.

DM Murph: And try to have it stuck in his mouth.

Moonshine: Oh my god.

Beverly: Yes, so it wedges his mouth open.

Moonshine: He probably still has a tail whip or something like that.

DM Murph: He makes an attack roll.

Beverly: Ok.

DM Murph: So as he rears up to attack, he opens up his mouth. You attempt to shove a javelin in his mouth-

Beverly: I don’t understand why you’re having such trouble with this. I just want to wedge his mouth permanently open with a broken javelin.

Hardwon: We’ve all seen Hook.

Beverly: Yeah. Oppa Peter Pan Style.

DM Murph: Give me a DC 20 Athletics check.

Beverly: You hit me with them 20s. Alright.

DM Murph: I’m going to hit you with a 20 because it’s goddamn ridiculous.

Beverly: Alright. DC20 athletics check. Let me roll…

Moonshine: [whispering] I really hope you get it.

Hardwon: Come on, 20.

Moonshine: You got to re-roll if it hits the floor! You got to re-roll if it hits the floor!

Beverly: I got to re-roll. It hit the floor.

DM Murph: Ok, ok. We’ll back up. Don’t look at it-

Beverly: Jake-

DM Murph: It doesn’t count, it doesn’t count. Because if you get a good roll-

Hardwon: I’ll tell you guys what he rolled after.

DM Murph: Alright.

Beverly: [pained] Ok.

Moonshine: Ooh.

Hardwon: Crazily enough, it was also a 12 on the floor.

Beverly: Augh.

DM Murph: 12 plus what?

Beverly: That’s plus 5 because athletics, so 17.

DM Murph: [smugly] Cool.

Hardwon: Come on!

DM Murph: You go to shove it into his mouth. You will do javelin damage. So you can roll damage, that’s a successful attack, but you can see very quickly that it’s not just going to, cartoon style, stay in his mouth.

Hardwon: What did he have to roll? A nat 20?

DM Murph: No, he just had to get a 20 with his athletics.

Moonshine: Yeah, so he just had to get a 15.

DM Murph: I was very nice about that. I should’ve said just no.

Beverly: Here’s the thing; I like to think that Hardwon and Moonshine from the side just see me doing this and are like, “Oh, of course.”

DM Murph: You’re just underwater.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: That’s right.

DM Murph: These guys have no- These guys might see some air bubbles coming up.

Moonshine: Right now Moonshine is trying to teach Hardwon how to huff Crick water.

Hardwon: “I’m good.”

DM Murph: Go ahead, Bev.

Beverly: That’s going to be a 4 plus…

Moonshine: You’re going to add 3.

Beverly: Ok. So that’s going to be 7.

DM Murph: 7 damage. Ok. Stab this dude in the roof of his mouth. And he takes his attack. That is 11 to hit. So he’s not going to hit.

Beverly: Right.

Moonshine: Ooh!

DM Murph: That is back to you.

Beverly: I am taking this gator’s tooth. That’s what’s happening now.

DM Murph: You’re still stabbing him with the thing? Or what are you doing?

Beverly: Well, he’s got one javelin wedged in his mouth.

DM Murph: [as if explaining to a child] No he doesn’t. It didn’t work. I allowed you to get stabbing even though I should have just had your javelin break. You’re going to die in the swamp. What are you going to do?

Beverly: Now that I’ve gotten a hit on him, maybe I’m going to retreat and see if my friends can help me kill a gator?

DM Murph: You see that he’s pretty hurt. He’s not some invincible magical crocodile.

Hardwon: He’s not like the snake.

DM Murph: You’re winning this fight right now. You can disengage and start to swim back.

Hardwon: Kill him and keep going-

DM Murph: He’s a pretty fast swimmer though. Faster than you.

Moonshine: You could also just do a normal fight move.

Beverly: Let’s have fun on the radio. What I’m going to do is I’m going to take my sword- No, I’m going to take my javelin half. How wide is his neck? Could I grab him from behind?

DM Murph: You can try to grapple him.

Beverly: I’m going to try to grapple the gator.

Moonshine: Wha? That’s badass!

DM Murph: He’s going to wrestle a gator fucking Steve Erwin style.

Hardwon: Steve Erwin, for the record, is dead.

DM Murph: Opposed strength check.

Moonshine: Once again, all of this is happening under the muck so we can’t see anything. You think you’re putting on this great show and all of us are going to be like, “Wow! Beverly!”

Beverly: You’re like, “What do you think he’s doing down there?”

Moonshine: This should be the coliseum badge, wrestling a gator. Like, a beast.

Hardwon: Oh, that’s cool.

Beverly: Greco-Roman.

DM Murph: What did you-

Beverly: Oh, uh… That’s an 18 plus my strength.

Moonshine: Ooh! That’s gonna be-

DM Murph: He is grappled.

Beverly: [cheering loudly] Yes!

DM Murph: You have him by the neck.

Moonshine: You grappled a gator, bitch!

Hardwon: You wrassled a gator, baby!

Beverly: I want to try and steer him up towards the surface.

Hardwon: Let’s question him!

Beverly: How easily would I be able to- Like, probably not very easily steer him?

DM Murph: You can move half your speed up to the surface.

Beverly: Yeah. I’m going to do that, all the while trying to choke out this gator.

DM Murph: You go up to the surface. Crossbow bolts descend on you.

Hardwon: Oh no.

Beverly: Ok, I flip the gator over-

DM Murph: You don’t do shit. You just popped out of the water.

Beverly: All right. Well, now that I’m out of the water they can see me, right?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Everyone can see me.

Hardwon: Of course, why wouldn’t they?

Beverly: Now, I am going to say that the gator-

DM Murph: 2 damage on the first one.

Beverly: Don’t they hit the gator? He’s much bigger.

Moonshine: Ok, so this is bad because now we no longer have any cover.

DM Murph: They miss the second one. Beverly comes up thrashing with a gator and is just getting fired on.

Hardwon: Yo, actually this is good for us because he created a diversion.

Beverly: This is quite a diversion!

Hardwon: What if we keep on going around and see if we can-

Beverly: Y'all should head around-

Moonshine: Beverly might die.

Hardwon: That’s… fine.

DM Murph: You get hit for another 7.

Beverly: 7 total?

DM Murph: 7 total. You get hit by some other crossbow bolts. So, you are emerged in this water, thrashing, wrestling this gator, and getting shot at by these kobolds.

Beverly: I scream, “Second floor! Second floor! Go now!”

DM Murph: What are you guys do? You guys can see him.

Hardwon: What’s your HP at?

Beverly: It’s at 15.

Hardwon: 15. None of these crossbows accidentally kill the gator?

DM Murph: No.

Beverly: Not one hits the gator?

Hardwon: They’re grappled!

Beverly: It’s a pretty big target!

DM Murph: [tired of this shit] Holy shit. You are just thrashing out in the open. I don’t know how you guys haven’t died seven times already.

Moonshine: Yeah, this has been a very botched maneuver.

DM Murph: I’m not being unfair.

Moonshine: We’re kinda fucked right now.

DM Murph: You could have killed him under the water. You were in a one on one fight. Decided to bring him up. You are now wrestling a gator in front of the whole castle. That is what’s happening right now.

Beverly: [realizing the shit he’s in] Ok. Alright.

Moonshine: I think that you need to retreat.

Beverly: Ok, cool.

Moonshine: I think that we don’t have an opportunity here. I think that all we’ve done is blown our cover.

Hardwon: You know what? Can I throw an axe at the gator?

DM Murph: You sure can.

Hardwon: All right.

Moonshine: That’s a move.

Hardwon: I’ll throw an axe at the gator.

DM Murph: Alright, everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: Oh boy.

Moonshine: Jesus Christ.

Hardwon: 18.

Moonshine: Ok, I got a 5. Nope, I got a 4.

Beverly: Your boy got a 3.

Hardwon: I just want to say, right before you broke the surface with the gator, I’d like to have said, [whispering] “I think he’s gonna get in. I think we’re gonna be ok.”

[laughter]

DM Murph: Ok. Beverly’s already in the order because he was already in the fight. Moonshine, what did you get?

Moonshine: 4.

DM Murph: So, it will be- the croc goes next. He’s going to try to- Give me an opposed strength check. Let’s see if he can get out of the grapple.

Moonshine: “Gotta be honest, little kid I think you might have just sealed the fate of your friends.” [cackles]

Beverly: Ahh. Huh. That’s 12.

DM Murph: He breaks loose-

Beverly: [sarcastically] Oh, nice.

DM Murph: Of Beverly and he swims back down into the water. Actually, you’ll get an opportunity attack on him if he tries to swim away. So he tries to swim away. Do you want to-

Beverly: Yeah. I’ll attack.

DM Murph: Roll an attack.

Beverly: That’s a 1, but I got Lucky so I get to reroll.

Hardwon: Lucky!

Moonshine: Ooh!

DM Murph: Oh, good.

Hardwon: And that’s a 2.

Beverly: That’s a 12. That’s a 17.

DM Murph: That does hit.

Beverly: Alright cool.

Moonshine: Ok! Kill him. Oh my god, kill him.

Beverly: Yeah, I kill him.

DM Murph: Alright, roll your damage.

Beverly: I’m going to use my sword this time like a big boy.

DM Murph: No, you can’t use your- You’re wrestling. You have your spear out.

Hardwon: Because this is in the water.

Beverly: Ok, cool... That’s a 6. Plus 3.

Moonshine: Plus 3, so 9.

DM Murph: Cool. You stab him in the gut. And he fucking dies.

Beverly: [unenthusiastically] Yay.

Hardwon: Way to go.

Moonshine: Oooooh!

Beverly: “Guys he’s dead!”

Hardwon: “And you’ve got the whole castle firing crossbows at you.”

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So the croc is dead. You guys can act- there’s not really anything you can do there’s just these guys up in the guard towers. Beverly you can kind of swim down and get back out, but the castle was already alerted to you guys, but now they know you’re sneaking around the outside.

Beverly: Should we retreat?

Moonshine: I don’t know what we fucking do here.

Hardwon: [sputtering mildly] Can we really retreat? This is like-

Beverly: I mean, we could lead them into the woods and just kind of pick them off as they come in.

Moonshine: I don’t think you can pick people off as they come into the woods. The woods are pretty big. There’s not really a way you can bottle neck in the woods.

Beverly: I’m just saying that we- yeah. We kinda. You got Mask of the Wild.

Moonshine: [apprehensively] Uh. What do we even fucking do here? I don’t even know.

Beverly: Ok.

Hardwon: Is there not time to case the rest of the castle as-

Moonshine: No, because they know that we’re sneaking.

DM Murph: You could try and case-

Hardwon: Don’t they not see us? They only see Beverly.

Beverly: Oh, that’s a good question.

DM Murph: They’ve seen Beverly and Moonshine so far. They’re also up to something.

Beverly: Yeah, so-

Hardwon: They’re going to be-

Moonshine: So we’re going to try to case the rest of the castle.

Beverly: So I’m in the water still.

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Can I continue doing what I was trying to do and dive down and try and find- Just so maybe they think that I drowned?

Hardwon: Yeah. Draw their attention.

DM Murph: [chuckling softly in disbelief] Okay.

Beverly: Because I did get shot with a crossbow, I think that maybe I could successfully make it seem like I died? I was also underwater with a gator. Maybe I’m just sinking.

DM Murph: Interesting. Okay. Give me a performance check-

Beverly: Can I do deception?

DM Murph: Or a deception check it’s up to you.

Hardwon: Yeah, play dead, young one!

DM Murph: And tell me how you’re going to play dead because you’ve just killed the gator, but are you going to come up with the gator’s mouth around you? Like what are you doing?

Hardwon: Ho ho ho, nice.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You have a gator body, tell me what you’re doing and roll a performance check. Or whatever your better skill is.

Hardwon: Pull out the bullywug, crawl into a gator.

DM Murph: I’ll let you decide deception or performance.

Beverly: [cheekily] I have a plus 6 in performance.

DM Murph: There you go.

Moonshine: Ooh! Put on a show!

Beverly: Your boy Beverly is a good boy.

DM Murph: Just so you guys know, Moonshine and Hardwon, you guys will have to do checks to see if you realize he’s kidding.

Moonshine: Oh god!

DM Murph: Although, you might know that he was smart enough to do that, I don’t know.

Beverly: I’m so glad that Beverly’s sophomore year theater performance training is coming into play.

Hardwon: That’s background.

DM Murph: Ok, Beverly. See if you can fake out these kobolds.

Beverly: That’s a 13 plus 6.

DM Murph: 19!

Hardwon: Oh, fuck yeah.

Moonshine: Oooh yeah.

DM Murph: These-

Beverly: Can I describe it?

DM Murph: You can. Let me see if these kobolds are going to get tricked or not. They’re at disadvantage.

Moonshine: They’ve got to be savvy. I guess they are smart, but-

Beverly: No they’re not. I thought they were dumb.

Moonshine: No, no, no, they’re-

Hardwon: They can’t see in the light.

Moonshine: [remembering] Ooh!

Beverly: They have bad eyesight.

DM Murph: They can’t see very well in the light. Ok, Beverly-

Beverly: And they’re naked.

DM Murph: Beverly, tell me what you do.

Beverly: Ok, so what I do is, I grab the gator and I start kicking towards the surface. Then at the last minute before I break the surface, I dive into the gator’s mouth so that my legs are kicking in the air. And then I let it slowly sink down. And I use the last bit of oxygen in the gator’s mouth and propel myself forward.

Hardwon: That’s the kiss of life.

Moonshine: Oooh ho ho!

Beverly: Towards a submerged window in the castle keep.

DM Murph: Beautiful. Would you guys-

Beverly: [shouting victoriously] Turning it around!

DM Murph: He rolled a 19-

Hardwon: So it was pretty believable.

Moonshine: I need to roll because I definitely, instinctually need to-

DM Murph: Since you guys know Beverly, I will give you advantage on these rolls, but roll perception checks-

Beverly: [laughing hysterically] No way!

DM Murph: To get a 19 or higher to see if you realize he’s-

Moonshine: I did not.

Beverly: They absolutely think I’m dead.

Hardwon: I got a 13.

DM Murph: Alright. Hardwon and Moonshine, you just saw your buddy get eaten by a crocodile.

Moonshine: Moonshine Bay Watch style runs and dives in.

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: Moonshine dives in, Bay Watch style, and with that we will end this week’s session.

Moonshine: Jesus fucking Christ.

Hardwon: Oh boy.

Moonshine: We fucked ourselves so much this episode.

DM Murph: This has been insane.

Moonshine: This has been a truly cursed episode.

DM Murph: Also, Beverly, you so easily killed that crocodile once you were just fighting it, but you fucking came up wrestling a croc!

Beverly: I wanted a pet!

DM Murph: Wrestling a croc in front of guard towers!

Beverly: I wanted a pet.

Moonshine: It was a fascinating move.

DM Murph: Oh, so funny.

Beverly: I forgot. I did forget about the flying guards-

DM Murph: The castle?

Beverly: Yeah, uh-

DM Murph: One thing you guys did learn is that there were, in fact, kobolds in that other guard tower! Believe it or not!

Hardwon: So we didn’t fuck up that bad because there was an episode where we didn’t go to the guard tower.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: You live and you learn.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: I just like that there is a permanent record of how much of an idiot I am, publicly available for all to enjoy.

DM Murph: Guys, thanks for listening. Please leave us some reviews on the podcast-

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Uh huh.

Hardwon: Please!

DM Murph: If you give us five starts, what are we going to do? We’ll give you guys shout outs at the end of the episode every week we’ll have the characters give shout outs to people. Say in your review who you want to get a shout out from, whether it be Hardwon Surefoot, Moonshine Cybin, Beverly Toegold, or maybe one of the NPCs.

Hardwon: Scoutmaster Denny.

Moonshine: Or, of course, Paw Paw.

DM Murph: Or Paw Paw. Paw Paw can do it. Guys please follow us on Twitter: @JakeHurwitz, @EAxford, @Caldy, and me, @CHMurph. Also, Emily and I have a book out. It’s called Hey U Up? How to Turn Your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact.

Moonshine: Buy it. Straight up buy it, bitch.

DM Murph: Check it out on Amazon or in bookstores. Satirical relationship advice book. Listen to “If I Were You” with Jake and Amir.

Hardwon: Please.

DM Murph: Watch Drawfee on YouTube.com/Drawfee. Listen to “8 Bit Book Club” with me Emily and Caldwell.

Beverly: Tweet about the show using #NADDPOD.

DM Murph: Naddpod!

Moonshine: N a d d p o d!

DM Murph: N a d d p o d.

Hardwon: [singing] We are we are! [clap] The youth of a nation!

Beverly: No.

Hardwon: [singing] We are we are! [clap] The youth of a nation!

Beverly: We can’t end every episode like this.