A Bastard No More

The Band of Boobs set off on their quest to bust Bev's dad out of the dungeon! The gang learns more about The Widow and Galad, Hardwon bonds with his rat uncle, Beverly gets up to invisible hijinks, and Moonshine meets a foe so inhospitable, she can't keep her jambalaya down.

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: Hey guys! Before we start the show, we just wanted to make a few little announcements. First off, thank you so much to everyone who donated to our Patreon! It means so much to us. We have already met one of our milestone goals. So guys, we're gonna be hosting a Livestream Jamboreen!

Hardwon: The Jamboreen is back on, baby!

Moonshine: Wooooo!

Beverly: Callooh Callay!

DM Murph: Callooh Callay!

Hardwon: Callooh Callay, kid.

Moonshine: Callooh Callay.

DM Murph: Complete with Green Teen costumes and campfire songs. That's going to be live on the Patreon for all our patrons on Wednesday, May 23rd at 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. That's Hollywood time, baby!

Hardwon: Hollyweird, California!

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Guys, we're gonna hang out, talk about the show, answer your questions and be merry! Additionally, this coming Monday, we're gonna be releasing our first episode of Mixed Bag of Holding. That's for our ten dollar patrons and up. We're gonna be doing a fun Battle Royale called "Monster Madness", where we pit shitty monsters against each other. Emily, Caldwell, and Jake will draft crappy monsters like flying swords, riding horses, and bullywugs, and I'll DM them having a big funny battle. So yeah! Thanks again, guys. Now here's our episode, and if you want to listen to the aftershow, head on over to patreon.com/naddpod, N-A-D-D-P-O-D, right after and sign up to be a patron. On to the show!

DM Murph: [Intro] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is Not Another D&D Podcast!

DM Murph: Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone! I'm your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy, joined as always by Jake Hurwitz -

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: -Emily Axford-

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, murderer of innocent gulls.

DM Murph: -and Caldwell Tanner.

Beverly: Beverly Toegold V, the dad detective.

Hardwon: Nice! That's a little... children's book series.

DM Murph: He's not a dad himself-

Beverly: Not a- I'm not a dad! I just do detective work to find and release dads from false imprisonment.

Moonshine: Okay, so you have, like, a mustache, and you're a dad, right?

Beverly: No, no no no! No, I just I, like, steal-

DM Murph: All the Amazon reviews are one star because nobody knows what this book is actually about.

Hardwon: The title was very misleading!

DM Murph: A dad detective, but he’s not a dad?

Beverly: There’s dad related-

Moonshine: "Tuned in for dads, only got sons!"

Beverly: [laughs]

DM Murph: Cool. Guys, let’s do a little recap. So, last week, you guys went to Galaderon Castle to attend the trial of Beverly's dad, who had been charged with the murder of the soon-to-be High Septon, Merrick High Hill. You found out that Bev's dad was discovered at the scene of the murder, with his sword covered in blood. Bev's dad claims that he was attacked along with High Hill and blinded in the scuffle, but the Boy King did not believe him because he was in a pissy mood. Without a new High Septon to name, the Boy King would not get to have his weekend party and someone would have to pay for it. After some weak lawyering by Duncan Pebblepot, Scoutmaster Denny's dad, you guys elected to do a trial by combat. Beverly fought The Crag, the king's beefed up half-orc barbarian bodyguard, in an intense duel, but unfortunately was defeated. The Boy King was ecstatic and wanted to do the execution right then and there, but Moonshine suggested that he hold off until the weekend so he could still have his party, and the king agreed.

Hardwon: Respect!

DM Murph: After the trial, you met up with Captain Galad Rosell, who suggested that the Widow must be behind the attack, and that, if you could prove that it was her, perhaps you could get Bev's dad off the hook. You guys wandered down to the lower Galaderon docks to confront a mousefolk guy and a bearfolk guy who had been observed having contact with The Widow. You found them working on an old airship and confronted them. But they launched it into the air in an attempt to escape you. After a brief airborne combat encounter and some further talking, the mousefolk eventually recognized Hardwon as the son of Elias Stormborn. The mousefolk revealed that he had been your father's first mate and that you are all currently aboard the SS Stormborn, your father's ship. Oh, also, the Widow is Hardwon's mom.

Hardwon: Of course!

DM Murph: I promise, if you listen to the episode, it's not that much of an info dump. It just sounds crazy in the recap.

Beverly: You forgot that we hung out with Ol' Cobb for a bit. [laughs]

DM Murph: You also hung out with Ol' Cobb for a bit.

Moonshine: Hung out with Ol' Cobb! God bless him!

Hardwon: That's right. That was the meat of the episode, I don't know why that wasn't most of the recap! "So then Ol' Cobb said..."

DM Murph: [laughs] Ol' Cobb is sorta the linchpin for everything-

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: For every event here.

Hardwon: It all goes back to Ol' Cobb!

Beverly: Yeah, he's the Greek chorus.

Moonshine: Ol' Cobb!

DM Murph: Cool. So, you guys, right now, are airborne in the SS Stormborn, this airship flying through the sky. You see the lights of Galaderon glistening in the moonlight. You're there with Red, who is this mousefolk guy, and Gunther, who is this bearfolk guy. Hardwon, Red just told you that the Widow is your mother.

Hardwon: Alright!

Moonshine: I lean over and I say: [whispering] "Um... I'm really sorry about all the dirty things I said about... the matron of your house.”

Hardwon: [clearing his throat] "All is forgiven and you're the only one that ever mentioned her aesthetics!"

Moonshine: "And- Yeah, yeah."

Hardwon: "That is right. Sorry, the Widow is my mother?"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Yeah, I, well, I mean, you know, she's, uh-" He looks over at Gunther, and Gunther goes: [bear noises] "Huaaaah!" Like nodding, like ‘go on, tell him.’ And he goes: [as Red] "Argh, she's, you know... argh. She's not really your mother anymore. She's... she's a revenant. She... made a deal with a god, so that she could come back to get her revenge on Galad Rosell.

Moonshine: "Do you know what god she made this deal with?"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Yeah. She made her deal with uh... [trying to remember] what was the uh, Gunther, what's the name of the god? He's the god of uh.... [snaps fingers] He really liked Elias! He is the god of strength and storms." And Gunther goes: [bear noises]"Huaaaagh!" and he goes: [as Red] "Right! Kord! Kord was the god that she, uh..."

Beverly: "Kord."

Hardwon: "Kord- that god knew my dad?"

DM Murph: "He didn't know-, look, you know, your dad, kind of a champion of the sky, flying around. Strong, hot-shot guy, flying through storms and shit. Kord liked that. And you-your mom, she-"

Hardwon: "So do I!"

Moonshine: "Wow, pickle doesn't fall far from the jar!"

Beverly: [laughs]

Hardwon: "So, what does she need revenge for? What happened?"

DM Murph: "Look, kid, if I tell you this, are you gonna do some crazy shit? ‘Cause I lost a lot of people because of them doing crazy shit."

Hardwon: "I'm probably gonna do some crazy shit, yeah."

Beverly: "But he'll have some friends doing even crazier shit!"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Ahh, I love-, guys, I gotta be honest. I love trouble! I love getting into trouble! I love the shit!"

Hardwon: "Let's go, Uncle Red!"

Moonshine: "I like it!"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Okay, it's actually devastatingly sad though, so-

Hardwon: "Sure!" We pass around a skin of wine or something.

Moonshine: I take out my flask of Crick water and huff some and pass it around.

DM Murph: [as Red] [excited] "Oh, is that Crick water? Let me get some of that! I haven't had that in forever!"

Moonshine: "Ohh! Okay, you got a taste for it!"

DM Murph: [as Red]: "Oh yeah." You guys pass the flask around and have a little drink.

Hardwon: I look at Bev's pocket, where I know the R. Cane is.

[laughter]

Beverly: I cover the pocket.

DM Murph: And he goes, [as Red] "So... eh, your mom was one of The Chosen, back when they were just a small sect, when they were just an offshoot of the Oath of Devotion paladins. Before they were really their own thing. But you know, she met your father, they had this kind of... will-they-won't they, white-hot romance. In the end she ends up kinda winning him over from the pirate life. He helped us, you know, we all fought in the war against the giants. Before we had just been pirates, but we helped Galaderon. We saved Galaderon from the giants. We were lassoing 'em and shit outside of the airship. It was real cool!"

Hardwon: I dap him up.

DM Murph: Yeah, he gives you a dap. "But you know, after the war, your- your mom and your dad settled down and they had you. And uh, you know, Galad and some of the other Chosen weren't too happy about her marrying a pirate and settling down with a pirate. So they made her choose between her oath and, you know, her family. And uh... she chose her family. And that ended up being a little bit of a death sentence. Because then The Chosen-”

Hardwon: [angry] "Piece. Of. Shit."

Beverly: [confused] "That doesn't sound like anything a paladin would do. That doesn't sound like-"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Well, they're kinda, they're kinda pricks, kid!"

Moonshine: I'd like to pickpocket the rookie card out of Beverly's pocket.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Do you want to do a stealth roll or do you just want to let Beverly feel it?

Moonshine: Umm- I would like to do a stealth roll!

Beverly: Definitely do a stealth roll!

DM Murph: Okay, do a sleight of hand to try to get the rookie card out of his pocket.

Moonshine: Okay, that's uh... It's only going to be 9.

DM Murph: Bev, your passive perception is more than 9, so Bev: you feel her reaching into your pocket pulling the card.

Beverly: [screeching in surprise]: "Woooh woooh! Ooooh!" It's my back pocket.

Moonshine: And I say, [sternly] "Young Bev, just give me the rookie card!"

Beverly: [defeated] "Alright."

Moonshine: And then I give it to Hardwon. "Do what you will."

Hardwon: Throw it out the window.

Beverly: "No!"

Hardwon: "Um, okay-"

Beverly: It hits a bird.

Hardwon: "So, my mom, paladin, fell in love with a pirate, captain of the sky. Badass. You guys save Galaderon. She marries him. The Chosen are mad. She chooses our family. They murder my dad."

DM Murph: [as Red] "Galad Rosell and a couple of the other Chosen guys tracked your family down. Your dad died so that the two of you could get away. Your mom, you know, she gave you to us, so we could get you out of the city. Then she confronted Galad and, you know, she was killed."

Hardwon: "I knew I hated that guy."

DM Murph: [as Red] "You know, our crew used to be mostly dwarves, we knew some good guys who had grown up in the dwarphanage. I-, you know, your mom put you in our care, me and Gunther here, so we took you to the only place we knew to take ya."

Hardwon: "Gotta be honest with you: The dwarphanage was a pretty grim place."

DM Murph: "Ah, you know-"

Hardwon: "It wasn't that fun."

Moonshine: "Woah, y'all, we have never heard Hardwon speak so freely before."

Beverly: "Yeah!"

Moonshine: "It's coming out."

DM Murph: [as Red] "I’m sorry, kid... That was almost thirty years ago. Then suddenly, about six months ago, she shows up as this undead magic lady. Told us that because she broke her oath, her soul was lost in limbo. She was wandering the astral plane for decades just plotting her revenge until she got an offer from some god."

Hardwon: "Six months ago... That was… that was just when I was leaving Irondeep."

DM Murph: "Maybe you were feeling something, I don't know. What was that god again, Gunther? Which dude was that- that-"

Hardwon: "Kord."

Moonshine: "Kord."

DM Murph: [as Red] "Kord! Right. Shit. I always forget this stuff."

Hardwon: "How do you keep on forgetting the name of a god?"

DM Murph: [as Red]: "You know, I'm a fucking pirate man, I don't really... eh-"

Beverly: "You don't go in for gods so much."

Moonshine: "There is no reason that the Widow might have some sort of agenda to kill Merrick, right?"

DM Murph: [as Red] "The Widow wouldn't hurt anybody who was innocent, unless they were in The Chosen. In which case she would kill them and then animate their bodies and then make them kill their friends. So, you know, sort of a chaotic neutral type, if you will."

Hardwon: "Oh, I totally will! Here’s the thing: I understand that you want to leave Galaderon, that it's dangerous for you. But I can't let my mom, or the Widow, do this on her own. He can't let his dad die. She’s got shit to settle at the Crick."

Moonshine: "Yeah, not to mention, I mean, we're definitely pressed for time to get young Bev's dad. Uhh, sort of stage some sorta jailbreak to get him not executed."

Beverly: "That's a working plan."

Hardwon: "Yeah. You can't right all these wrongs yourself, but maybe with us."

DM Murph: You see Red looks down and he goes, "Your dad would always talk me into doing stupid shit. He would always talk me into doing stupid shit." And Gunther goes, [affirmative bear noises] "Huaaahh huahh huahuahuaaa."

Moonshine: "Y'all, I know you're running, but why not, you know, one last job?"

DM Murph: [as Red] "One last job? That's kinda cool!"

Hardwon: "One last job."

DM Murph: "One last job?"

Beverly: "One last job."

DM Murph: "Ahhh fuck it, we're in!"

[cheering]

Moonshine: Moonshine starts whipping up some cocktails with Crick Water.

Beverly: Oh dang!

Moonshine: Yeah, she’s rifling around for, like, egg whites or lavender sprigs or whatever she might find on board.

Hardwon: Nice!

DM Murph: "Yeah, just check out our bar cart, we got-"

Moonshine: She just pours it into Paw Paw's mouth and shakes him like a cocktail shaker and then pours out.

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw being shaken] "Brrbbrbrbr!"

Hardwon: I chuck straight from Paw Paw.

Beverly: [delighted] That drink is called Paw Paw's kiss.

[laughter]

Beverly: I guess, I get some paper out and maybe start planning this heist.

Moonshine: "That's another thing! Do you know who might be able to give us information about- I don't know if there is one big dungeon in Galaderon, I don't know if there’s a special one for those slotted to be executed-"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Oh, if you want to know about the shady goings on of Galaderon, you talk to our Uncle Red!"

Hardwon: "Alright, Red."

Beverly: "Alright!"

DM Murph: "Yeah. So, okay, so he is a prisoner of the king's?"

Beverly: "Yes, sir."

DM Murph: "So he is gonna be in the dungeon under the castle."

Hardwon: "Okay."

DM Murph: [as Red] "So, the dungeon is the only thing in the castle that is actually in the mountain. Everything else is built on the mountain, right?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "Okay."

Beverly: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "So, what if instead of going though the castle, you went through the mountain?"

Hardwon: "You are talking to the right fucking human-dwarf-guy."

[laughter]

DM Murph: [as Red] "The Widow can't exactly be seen walking around, so she has actually been hiding in these abandoned mining tunnels inside the mountain. Because you see, uhh- What was it before Galderon, Gunther?" He turns to Gunther and Gunther goes: "Huaah, huaaah!" [as Red] "Right! It was called Cragwater, okay? It was a dwarf city that was inside the mountain, right? And they used to mine mithril. There used to be mithril in the mountain and so all the mining tracks, a lot of them are still in there. And the ruins of the city are in there. And that's at the uppermost point. If you can get there, it's a giant cavern, all you gotta do is burrow your way up somehow."

Beverly: "Oh, we know how to burrow!"

Moonshine: [confident] "Yeah, y'all, I can just turn into a giant badger and burrow."

Beverly: "Oh my goodness!"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Through solid rock? Do badgers do that?"

Moonshine: "Well, I got other tricks up my sleeve."

DM Murph: "Alright!"

Moonshine: "If I turn into a badger, I'm not gonna stay a badger."

Beverly: "We're a tricky bunch!"

Moonshine: "Red, how do we get there? Let's say we are crazy enough to do this. How do we get there?"

DM Murph: [as Red] “I mean, the Widow says that she hops up on top of the tram between middle and upper Galaderon and just kinda jumps to one of the old tunnels. Apparently you can see the track hanging down under- under one of the old tunnels."

Moonshine: "Oh, we're tram-surfing!"

DM Murph: "You will indeed have to tram-surf. [Excited] God, I love this shit!"

Hardwon: "Alright!"

DM Murph: [talking fast] "I wish I wasn't fucking old cause I absolutely cannot go on this quest, I'm gonna be the getaway driver, but if I could, I would!"

Moonshine: "Red, I had a little notion that I might share. Which is: if we could get someone to destroy those little purple orbs, we could make it all rainy and cloudy up there?"

DM Murph: [thinking about it] "Hmm... That's an interesting idea."

Moonshine: "You know those little orbs that control the weather on top of Galaderon?"

DM Murph: "Yeah! How do those, how do those work, Gunther?"

Beverly: [excitedly interjecting] "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" I raise my hand.

DM Murph: [as Red] "Yeah, what, kid?"

Beverly: "It's an arcane weather control technology!" And then I explain more because I learned about it in history class.

DM Murph: [sarcastically] "Wow, that's really interesting."

Beverly: "Haha, yup! Just a little tidbit I picked up."

DM Murph: "I don't know how-"

Moonshine: "Wow, is that called a powerpoint?"

DM Murph: "I mean, you're essentially talking about walking into a castle courtyard and stealing a bunch of lamp posts. That would be pretty difficult."

Hardwon: "Alright, so if we're going into this mountain, you're gonna be waiting out here."

DM Murph: "Right."

Hardwon: "What about Ol' Cobb?"

Moonshine: "Oh! [confident] Ahaha, I think he's in!" I call Ol' Cobb.

DM Murph: [excited laughter]

Beverly: "Yeaah!"

Hardwon: "We need a team!"

Moonshine: I take out my stone. Do I have service in the sky? Does my stone have service in the sky?

DM Murph: It sounds really distant. Ol' Cobb sounds like he is in a wind tunnel.

Hardwon: I turn to Red. "You're gonna love this guy, he is hilarious!"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Alright, put it on speaker!"

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "This is Ol' Cobb!"

Moonshine: "Greetin's, old friend. Uh, Moonshine here. I got a favor- rather, I have an invitation!"

DM Murph: "What's that? I love a good party!"

Hardwon: Hardwon is already laughing.

Moonshine: "Well, as you may have heard, we're trying to break out young Bev's father. And we think that you should get in on this."

Beverly: I whisper to Moonshine: "He is kind of a sharpshooter, right? Maybe he could take out the weather spheres."

Moonshine: "You ever turn that blunderbuss on a magical sphere of weather control?"

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "Uhh, not specifically. You know, Ol' Cobb kinda takes pride in having been around the block, so you kinda stumped me on that one. No, I have not shot a magic weather orb before."

Moonshine: "Well perhaps, that's a block you need to go around."

DM Murph: "So are you suggesting I go up to the castle by myself, waltz into the courtyard, and start shooting out magic posts with-"

Hardwon: [shouting from a distance] "You're the man, Ol' Cobb!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Sounds like you might want Ol' Cobb to end up in the stocks with his head cut off."

Moonshine: "Hey, you know what, Ol' Cobb? You're right. My toe stepped a little beyond my reach. So, I would say, if there was anything that you thought you could do..."

DM Murph: [contemplating] "Hmm... You know what? Uhh.... I can shoot... shit!"

Beverly: "That seems pretty distracting!"

Moonshine: “Yeah, we can also just like maybe meet up and workshop this, if nothing that I'm saying is finding... you know..."

Beverly: "Yeah, maybe we need, like, a brainstorming session."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Let's pick up Ol' Cobb."

Beverly: "Alright."

Hardwon: "We gotta touch this airship down, Red."

Moonshine: "Oh, Ol' Cobb! You're never gonna believe this. We are on an airship, and would you believe who we ran into?"

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] [confused] "Who? Was it somebody from the Crick?"

Moonshine: "Oh, I'm sorry, no, it wasn't. But you know who I did run into recently?"

DM Murph: "Who did you run into?"

Moonshine: "Oh sorry, got off track. We ran into Hardwon's uncle!"

DM Murph: [still confused] "His uncle?"

Moonshine: "Yeah. I thought you might like that story. Us Crickfolk love running into people."

DM Murph: "You know, I'm from the Crick. I run into people's uncles all the time. I'm pretty sure I'm your uncle, Moonshine."

Moonshine: "That's true, I believe that we are related through a couple different webs."

Hardwon: "If you come across the Widow, just don't shoot her with the blunderbuss. We'll explain when we meet up, alright?"

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "Oh, is that right?"

Hardwon: "Yah yah yah, just don't shoot the Widow!"

DM Murph: "You got it."

Hardwon: "Alright."

Moonshine: "Ugh, us chatting like a couple of Crick chatterboxes, I'm sorry about that!"

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, I guess this phone call was premature. We have a couple things to iron out. I showed up in a wrinkly dress and I need to take it to the cleaners before I come to this date."

DM Murph: "I understand that metaphor. Alright, Ol' Cobb out!"

Beverly: "Bye!"

Moonshine: "Moonshine out."

Hardwon: "Love Ol' Cobb."

Moonshine: "Love Ol' Cobb. I'm sorry guys, I was premature in calling him."

Hardwon: "I think I told you to call him, too. I just love hearing him."

DM Murph: [as Red] "And he sounded really cool."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "He sounded cool, guys."

Beverly: "I like knowing that he knows what's up. I don't want to keep Ol' Cobb out of the loop."

Moonshine: "Yeah. So, he’s definitely in."

Beverly: "For sure!"

Moonshine: "But we may need to spell out to him what we need him to do."

Hardwon: "Yeah. We're doing a jailbreak here. This is a full on heist."

Beverly: "Absolutely. Mr. Red, would we be able to count on the Widow to help out with this plan, or is she kind of outside of our dominion in any way?"

DM Murph: "If she is not out hunting the Chosen, which she pretty much is all the time, unless she gets killed, in which case she usually... she tells me she kind of reappears back in her resting place, which is in those tunnels. In the mines."

Beverly: "Oh, okay."

Hardwon: "Oh, how long ago did she kill herself in front of you?"

Moonshine: "Probably about a day ago."

DM Murph: [as Red] "Did she kill herself and disappear? She'll do that."

Moonshine: "Right before my eyes, yeah."

DM Murph: "She'll do that. She turn into a fog cloud?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Yeah. Storms, get it?"

Hardwon: "Oh, I see. Damn, I wish I knew her when she was my mom, what can I say!"

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Alright, so why don't we take a rest on the ship tonight?"

Beverly: "Preferable!"

Moonshine: "That's great. Crack a window, get some nice natural wind in there-"

DM Murph: "I mean, we're out on the deck, we're in the air right now."

Beverly: "This is great."

Moonshine: "Yeah, I know. But I'm saying when I'm sleepin'. I'm assuming I'll be sleeping in the hull, unless we're sleeping on the deck together in which case-"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Deck sleepover?"

Moonshine: "ONE BIG DECK!"

Everyone: "ONE BIG DECK! ONE BIG DECK! ONE BIG DECK!"

DM Murph: You guys pull up your sleeping bags and... is everyone kinda going to bed?

Moonshine: Yeah, Moonshine is gonna sleep again. She really felt like she fit in last time that she slept.

Beverly: We're getting in sync. Ah, before we go to sleep, like as we're winding down, I go over to Hardwon and I just say to him, "I just wanted to let you know: I'm here for you. Whatever you need, but um, there is one thing that I need you to help me with." And I take out my sword. And I ask him to strike the engraving from it with his axe.

Hardwon: Oh, cool. Can I do that?

Moonshine: "Oh Melora!"

Beverly: Just like slash through it. Would his axe be strong enough?

DM Murph: Oh, dope! Just like fuck it up?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: So it doesn't say ‘Stay cool, Galad Rosell’ anymore?

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: Just cut it up? Go for it!

Beverly: "Don't- don't break the sword!"

Hardwon: Alright, so I take my axe, I cross out "Stay cool" and then I just write "FUCK" over Galad Rosell. So it says ‘FUCK Galad Roselle.’

DM Murph: As you cut into it, there is like a dispelled magic effect on it.

Beverly: Oh, so it's not magic anymore?

Moonshine: "They were spying on us?"

DM Murph: A magic effect dispelled.

Moonshine: Can I do Detect Magic to find out what it was?

DM Murph: The magic is gone. The magic has been dispelled.

Hardwon: Is it no longer a magic sword?

Beverly: Yeah, is it no longer a magic sword? Can I sense that?

DM Murph: It is no longer a magic sword.

Beverly: Damn!

DM Murph: But it is still a masterwork sword, it's still a +1 sword.

Beverly: Okay, cool, but it's not magic, alright.

Hardwon: "Sorry about that, man."

Moonshine: "Y'all we might have been spied on!"

Beverly: "Yeah there is a chance that- well-"

Moonshine: "Ugh, I did my sweep for bugs and I didn't even think to look in Bev's pocket."

Beverly: [mischievously] "It says ‘FUCK’ now. Hehehhehe!"

Hardwon: "That's right, Bev."

Beverly: "Nice one!"

Hardwon: "Give him back his humor patch, that's pretty good."

Beverly: "Give it to Hardwon! He is killing it over there!"

Moonshine: Okay! I laboriously sew it onto Hardwon.

Hardwon: Great! It's on my traveler's cloak now?

Beverly: That's the entire night.

Hardwon: While everybody’s falling asleep, can I walk up to the- is it steered by the-

DM Murph: The deck? Yah, it's like a big pirate ship, essentially.

Hardwon: Awesome.

DM Murph: Yeah, Red's up there kinda driving it.

Hardwon: I wanna take a look at the wheel. I wanna put my hand on it.

DM Murph: [as Red] "Do you wanna drive?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: Alright, Red moves out of the way and lets you drive. You guys are just kinda gliding at this point.

Hardwon: That's cool.

DM Murph: [as Red] "Hey kid, uh, you know. I'm- I'm sorry that the dwarphanage was tough. But, you know, I'm- I am a rat man and my life sucks, too, so. I hope you know we didn't drop you off to get rid of you. Your mother didn't want to get rid of you, but uh- life just sucks. You know what I mean?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "It just sucks ass, dude."

Hardwon: "Everything in my life has been absolute shit. It was hard earned. That's why my name is Hardwon."

DM Murph: "Yeah. You know, do you wanna know your real name?"

Hardwon: "I'm a little afraid, cause Hardwon's pretty awesome."

DM Murph: "It's a good name. I mean, I don't go by my real name either, so don't sweat it. People call me Red because of my red hair."

Hardwon: "They're gonna start calling you Grey pretty soon, huh, Red?"

DM Murph: "That's fucked up."

Hardwon: "Sorry."

DM Murph: "That's fucked up, but you know what? That's the kind of ball busting we used to do here on the SS Stormborn."

Hardwon: "I think I like the SS Stormborn, Red."

DM Murph: "Yeah, we used to call ourselves the “Band of Dudes”. Just a bunch of dudes, up in the air, riding around, having a good time."

Hardwon: [slightly embarrassed] "Wow! We uh- Our crew calls ourselves something pretty damn similar."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Red, what is my birth name?"

DM Murph: "Ah, you're Elias Stormborn II."

Hardwon: I place my hand on the same wheel that my dad used to turn and I just nod.

Moonshine: Moonshine interrupts this with a night terror about Shae. I'm just kidding!

[laughter]

Hardwon: Is that a terror? That's a fucking dream!

DM Murph: You see, Hardwon, as you put your hand on the steering wheel, lightning [imitates the sound of a lightning strike] ‘KSHHHhhhh’ shoots out of the sky. But no rain or anything.

Hardwon: The storm.

Beverly: Damn.

Hardwon: The storm is born.

Beverly: [in awe] End of episode!

DM Murph: Haha, and that's where we'll- Just kidding, just kidding!

Hardwon: Alright, let's rest!

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: [as Red]"Why don't you get some sleep, kid. You got a big day tomorrow."

Beverly: So, that's a full rest?

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys get a full rest. So it is now the morning before Bev's dad's execution.

Hardwon: Holy shit.

DM Murph: You guys wake up after sleeping beneath the stars in the air. The sun is rising, it is peeking out from behind the mountain and the castle of Galaderon. The sunlight is cascading off of the ocean on this beautiful morning.

Moonshine: Moonshine’s rummaging through the food supply to see what they’ve got, see what she wants to make.

Hardwon: What's in there?

DM Murph: Dried oats and stuff. And uh-

Moonshine: Just spits in her hand and moistens up the oats.

Beverly: I mean like, my mom gave us-

DM Murph: There is some salted pork and things that can last for a while.

Beverly: I think my mom gave us some breakfast bars.

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys have food.

Beverly: We got more of those buns, too.

Hardwon: Great. I'm gonna eat Moonshine's spit.

DM Murph: Spit oats?

Moonshine: I whip up some nice spitty oats!

Beverly: I reluctantly eat the oats.

Hardwon: I love Crick food.

Beverly: "I've got the buns- no? Okay..."

Moonshine: I make oat sliders for you!

Hardwon: [laughs]

Moonshine: Just oatmeal on a bun.

Beverly: I put the buns back into my pouch and be like: [dejectedly] "No, the oats are good. This seems fine."

DM Murph: [as Red] "So uh, if you guys are going into the mountain. You guys just want us to wait at the docks? When you guys escape, you come down to the docks and we'll shoot off again and fly off?"

Moonshine: "Yeah, that sounds good. The last thing I would say is: So, obviously I'm a bit fixated on coming up with some kind of distraction, perhaps that is extraneous and we don't even need that-"

DM Murph: "Us going up and suddenly blowing up the front of the castle or something isn't gonna help you guys down in the mountain. It's only gonna make it obvious that a jailbreak is in place."

Beverly: "That's fair."

Moonshine: "Y'all, while Red was talking, I had the best idea for a distraction!"

[laughter]

Moonshine: "We should send in a children's theater group to put on a show!"

Hardwon: "How?"

Beverly: "I know just the kids!"

Moonshine: "Bev!"

DM Murph: "We've done some jailbreaks in our days and you don't wanna make a big fucking scene. You make a big scene and then you just got a battle on your hands."

Moonshine: "Alright. What about a little scene? Like the size of a child's theater troupe? A li'l scene!"

DM Murph: "You know, I don't think the king and all of his men are gonna come out to watch some kids singing, but if that's what you'd like to do. Honestly, I don't really know you, lady. You seem nice enough, you're my friend's kid's friend, so..."

Moonshine: [offended] "I made you cocktails, sir!"

DM Murph: "That is absolutely true. I actually have quite a bit of a hangover from that. And I am a functional alcoholic, I do drink quite a bit, so..."

Hardwon: "Damn, Red! My dad kept some seedy company and I love it!"

Moonshine: "Alright, I rescind my need to get a distraction. Let's just bring Ol' Cobb into the mountain with us!"

Beverly: "Wait, here's an idea: let's meet up with Ol' Cobb and then get him to give the stone to Red, so that we can contact him when we're ready to go!"

Moonshine: "Young Bev! I'm giving you your logistics patch, that is good!"

Beverly: "Wow!"

Hardwon: "We give Red the stone and we take Ol' Cobb into the mountain with us, right?"

Beverly: "Yeah!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, we ask him if he wants to come, you never know."

Beverly: "That's true, he is a wily one."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Alrighty! Well, let's land this thing and get going!"

DM Murph: "Alright, kids."

Hardwon: You wanna call Ol' Cobb as we're touching down? Call Ol' Cobb and tell him to meet us at upper- or, middle Galaderon.

Moonshine: Middle Galaderon tram station. So I call him and tell him that.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: You wanna act that out?

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "This is Ol' Cobb!"

Moonshine: "Hey, Ol' Cobb!"

Hardwon: "Put him on speaker, Moonshine!"

Moonshine: "Okay, yeah of course!" I out him on speaker, I say: "Ah, meet us at the-"

I was gonna say Midgar, that's not what it's called.

Beverly: [laughs]

DM Murph: [in Ol' Cobb’s voice] "That's Final Fantasy VII, I believe."

Moonshine: "- Middle Galaderon. Middle Galaderon tram station!"

DM Murph: "You got it!"

Moonshine: "Feel free to wear a disguise if you feel like that'd be fun!"

DM Murph: "Ohh, that might be- I might put on a new hat!"

Beverly: "Oh boy!"

Moonshine: "Alright, Moonshine out!"

Hardwon: "No one better than you, Ol' Cobb!"

DM Murph: "Ol' Cobb out."

DM Murph: Cool. So Red lands the ships and goes and parks it in the dock. You see it's sunrise, so there are dock workers kind of getting there for the day and showing up and working on individual ships.

Beverly: Should we try and- do we need to kind of stealth our way out? Or we gonna-"

Moonshine: Let's just, you know, let's just- we're just normal people in a normal city.

Beverly: Just taking the tram!

Hardwon: Cool. Make sure to leave that stone with Red.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: I say, "You know, don't look through the pictures, there might be something indecent in there."

DM Murph: [as Red] [intrigued] "Hoho, alright! So, you'll call me when you need us to come pick you up?"

Hardwon: "Yup."

DM Murph: "Got it."

Beverly: "Yessir!"

DM Murph: "Guys, be careful in there, 'cause the Widow says there is like fucked up stuff, like goatmen. You guys ever heard of goatmen?"

Moonshine: "Y'all, I'm just gonna say this: I think we're more fucked up then anything that's in there."

Beverly: "Yeah!"

Hardwon: "I'm not scared of goatmen."

Beverly: "We've met a lot of adjective-plus-men."

DM Murph: "Alright."

Hardwon: "If I don't see you again... Thank you."

DM Murph: "Hey... Kid, it was an honor knowing you briefly as my adopted nephew. I'm… you know. I’m pretty sorry that I left you in a terrible place, but you woulda had a shitty life living with me and Gunther. It sucks. It sucks here, man."

Hardwon: "Yup. It was gonna suck no matter what, Uncle Red!"

DM Murph: "Life sucks, kid!"

Hardwon: "That's right."

DM Murph: "But it used to rule. Man, before you guys were around, wooh, there were adventures to be had. Giants around, then yeah- Thiala and Ulfgar. Ah, the whole gang. Ah, it was crazy!"

Hardwon: "Yeah, well, tell you what, Red: one last job."

DM Murph: "One last job."

Beverly: "We're gonna make things suck a little less."

Hardwon: "Callooh Callay."

Beverly: "Callooh Callay!"

Moonshine: "Callooh Callay."

Beverly: "That's a thing we say!"

DM Murph: Cool, so you guys are going up to the tram?

Beverly: Yup!

DM Murph: So you guys told Ol' Cobb to meet you at the Middle Galaderon tram.

Hardwon: Yah.

DM Murph: Okay. So you guys get to the Lower Galaderon tram, and you guys see a bunch of people kind of waiting there to go to work for the tram. And you also see three Chosen paladin guys, kind of standing guard over near the tram.

Moonshine: "Okay, before we go over there, the three of us need to split up. Just, the same car, standing on opposite sides, though."

Beverly: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Cool."

Beverly: "Good plan."

DM Murph: Cool. So, the tram arrives, and you guys see that there are like three cars that can hold about fifteen people each that pull up into the station. You see the Chosen guys wait for a second, kind of eye you guys for a second, and then they get onto the middle car.

Moonshine: Can I stand near the Chosen guys and- or, like, stealth near them and try to eavesdrop?

DM Murph: Sure!

Beverly: I take my neckerchief and I put it over my head to disguise myself a little bit.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Oh yeah, considering you're the boy of the guy who’s sentenced to murder.

Beverly: Yeah!

Hardwon: I'll put my hood from my traveler's cloak over my braids.

Beverly: Yeah, I'm a person of interest to be sure.

Moonshine: I shove my distinctive possum into my overall bib.

DM Murph: So, these Chosen guys get onto the tram. You guys and a crowd of seven or eight other people, you guys fill up this tram car. And so Moonshine, you have like your hood up and you're sitting near them?

Moonshine: [confirming] Uh huh. I have my cowhide hood up.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: [laughs] Yeehaw!

DM Murph: These guys are just sitting there, not saying anything.

Moonshine: Okay... Guess I'll have to be okay with that then. Maybe I'll lean over and say, "I just want to thank you boys for your service."

DM Murph: [as a Chosen paladin, taken aback] "Uh, thank- we are all brothers and sisters of the light. We just serve the light. That is-"

Moonshine: "I'm just saying, y'all are cleaning up this city and I could not be more grateful. Pelor be with you!"

DM Murph: Give me a deception check!

Moonshine: Woohoo!

Beverly: Yes!

Moonshine: I got 20.

DM Murph: Okay, cool. This guy goes: "It's an honor to defend you and everyone in this city, m’lady."

Moonshine: I fan myself and blush.

DM Murph: So you guys get to- the tram pulls into the Middle Galaderon tram station, and you see Ol' Cobb waiting there at the tram station.

Hardwon: Is he wearing a new hat?

DM Murph: He's got a different hat! He's got, like, a bandana on. It's kind of bold!

Beverly: Aw, tight!

Hardwon: "Maybe go back to the old hat, Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: He's not on the train. You guys met him at tram station.

Hardwon: Alright, let's get-, we gotta-, we're getting off.

Moonshine: Yes, we all get off. Is there, like, a vending machine I can go diddle at until the train leaves the station again?

DM Murph: So you guys- okay. So you guys-

Moonshine: Cause I want those guys to- them and their train to go away.

DM Murph: Ohkay!

Moonshine: Since I made myself known to them.

DM Murph: As you guys get off the tram, you see those three guys follow you guys out of the tram into the station. And, as you look around the crowd, you see that there were three other guys in the train in front of you and in the train behind you. So there’s nine guys.

Beverly: Nine guys.

DM Murph: And Ol' Cobb-

Moonshine: Okay, so we don't convene again. We don't convene.

Beverly: No, yeah.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Uuuuuuhm... fuck.... okay.

Beverly: Can I try and, like, walk a bit away and see if they follow me, or if they're like-

DM Murph: Sure!

Beverly: Yeah, I'm gonna try and lead them away.

DM Murph: Okay, so you start to walk off?

Beverly: Yeah, maybe just towards, like, a newspaper stand, or a soda fountain...

DM Murph: [laughs] Right, those things that they have in Galaderon.

Beverly: If there's like a Johnny Rockets, I don't know.

DM Murph: Sure, yeah. You can just round a corner-

Hardwon: There's a Jersey Mike's!

[laughter]

DM Murph: There are little shops and stands and such.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Yeah, I head towards this shop.

DM Murph: Okay, what is everybody else doing?

Moonshine: Well, I would like to watch this.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Because I have something I'd like to do, but I wanna see what they- how they react.

DM Murph: Bev, roll a deception check.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: I go down to my knee and pretend to tie my shoe.

Beverly: [sucks air in through his teeth in response to a bad roll] That's gonna be a 9.

DM Murph: Okay, cool. So, you walk off, trying to act casual. These guys don't move. Why don't you give me a perception check, Hardwon and Moonshine, if you guys are kinda looking over at them.

Moonshine: Oooh! That's gonna be 25!

DM Murph: 25. Yeah, you definitely saw them shoot a glance over at Beverly as he walked around the corner.

Hardwon: I rolled a 4. What did I see?

DM Murph: These guys are just fuckin- this was just their stop, man! I think they're just calling it a day early.

Beverly: They're hungry for Jersey Mike's!

DM Murph: Yeah!

Moonshine: Uuuhm, okay. I would like to- Are there any, like, little beggars around?

DM Murph: Is anyone gonna say anything to Ol' Cobb? Ol' Cobb is just standing there. Let me-

Moonshine: Ah, no! I make eye contact with Ol' Cobb.

DM Murph: Oh, okay.

Moonshine: And I kind of give him like a nod, yeah.

DM Murph: Like a no? Okay.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So, Ol' Cobb just like- He gives you a [understanding grunt].

Hardwon: He's acting natural.

DM Murph: Yeah, he’s acting natural. He is just spitting.

Moonshine: Are there any beggars around?

DM Murph: Sure?

Beverly: [anticipating shenanigans] Oh my god! This is gonna be good!

Moonshine: I would like to approach one.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "Hey, looking to make some coin?"

DM Murph: [as the beggar; deep, casual voice] "I would do pretty much anything for a copper."

Moonshine: "Alright. I'm trying to stay discreet and I need a distraction."

Hardwon: [quietly and excitedly] The distraction finally comes to fruition.

DM Murph: "What did you have in mind?"

Moonshine: "I would like you to just go about twenty feet from here and just start screaming bloody murder."

DM Murph: "Oh... okay? And what do you do for me?"

Moonshine: "I'm gonna give you ten gold pieces."

DM Murph: [thrilled] "Hell yes, I will scream for ten gold pieces, I woulda- I would scream for-"

Hardwon: Give him five for right now and then five when he-

Moonshine: "Actually-"

DM Murph: "You can't-. no you can't take it back. You gotta give me ten gold."

Moonshine: "No, it'll be ten! I would like to take a second to just decide precisely what I want you to do. I would like you to- ugh, I don't want you to hurt someone else. But can you pretend to hurt someone else?"

DM Murph: "I can just push a guy over!"

Moonshine: "Oh Melora, I don't know about that..."

DM Murph: "I'll just punch a guy in the head!"

Moonshine: "Melora, I don't think I should do that."

DM Murph: [getting impatient] "Give me the fucking gold!"

Hardwon: Oh shit!

Moonshine: "You know what? I would like you-"

DM Murph: "Give me your fucking gold! You said you were gonna give me ten gold!"

Moonshine: "Alright, alright. You don't- Don't act like you're entitled to ten gold."

DM Murph: "I'm just- I'm gonna fucking scream right now!"

Hardwon: Yeah, oh shit, oh shit!

DM Murph: "I don't know what you're trying to fucking do-"

Moonshine: "I want you to start a frickin’ fire!"

DM Murph: [laughs] "You want me to start a fire?"

Moonshine: "Yeah!"

DM Murph: "That's gonna cost you fifty gold!"

Moonshine: "No. It's gonna cost me ten gold, otherwise the deal's off."

DM Murph: "Fuck, you're right! Give me ten gold and I'll go start a fire!"

Moonshine: "And while you're doing it, scream!"

DM Murph: [laughs] "Yeah, just hand me the gold and I'll do it!"

Moonshine: "Okay, here is seven gold. The other three are coming when you-"

DM Murph: "You know I'm gonna get- I'm gonna have to run!"

Moonshine: "The other three coming when I'm making s'mores on that fire!"

DM Murph: "I'm gonna have to run! I'm gonna have to run!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, and I'll meet you on the other side."

DM Murph: "I don't fucking trust you, give me ten-"

Moonshine: "Alright, here’s fucking ten gold, I don't care. But just know, I have a photographic memory. So if you don't start that fire and scream bloody murder, I'm gonna find you and I will skin you alive and I will make you into a hot plate of gumbo!"

Hardwon: Hardwon heard all that as he is tying his shoe.

DM Murph: [incredulously] Alright…!

Beverly: Beverly is ordering a Reuben.

DM Murph: [laughs] Yeah, Beverly is at a food truck. Beverly, as you are at the food truck, suddenly this crazed vagrant runs up yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" And just lights a Molotov cocktail-

Beverly: "Oh no!"

DM Murph: -and tosses it into the food truck-

Beverly: "Oh jeez!"

DM Murph: -and it explodes! You guys see these paladin guys all run and take off towards the fire as another three tram cars pull up.

Hardwon: Great.

Moonshine: Okay! Let's hop- "Ol' Cobb! It's time!"

Beverly: Yup.

Hardwon: "Get on the train!

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Alright, we're doing this?"

Moonshine: "This is our stop!” We hop on.

Beverly: Good shit.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb gets onto the tram car with you guys. So, six of these guys are distracted by the fire, but you guys see, as the tram doors are closing, three of these knight guys get into the car with you.

Beverly: Oh shit.

DM Murph: And the one that you just talked to, Moonshine, goes: "Stop! You're under arrest!"

Moonshine: Uuhm, okay, I hop up onto the roof. And I say, "Come cuff me up here, bitch!"

DM Murph: So you'll need to either like smash a window with a pretty high DC or you'll have to like go through the cars in-between and climb up.

Beverly: Yeah, is there, like, a little panel that we could climb up through?

DM Murph: Think of a New York subway train where there’s the little connector things.

Hardwon: Yeah, in between?

Beverly: Ah, gotcha.

Hardwon: Hardwon will do that, he is a good climber.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: So you guys are gonna take off?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yup.

DM Murph: Cool. Everybody roll initiative, and I'll see if they grab you guys before you get away.

Beverly: Can I-

Moonshine: Ugh, I got a 5.

Hardwon: I got a 20.

Moonshine: Ooh!

Beverly: Can I shout that- Oh hold on, I'll ask- one second. Ooh, that's a 5 as well.

DM Murph: Okay, cool. So, Hardwon, you act first. These three guys have just gotten on the tram with you. You see, everyone else are just these normal commoners.They look super scared. These knights draw their swords and yell that you guys are under arrest. Hardwon, you act first.

Hardwon: So, I am going to use my axe, break the window of the car.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: And then scamper up. And can I just put my arm down for Bev and Moonshine?

DM Murph: Gimme an attack roll on the glass.

Hardwon: 20.

DM Murph: 20. Yeah, you smash the glass.

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: And I'll let you use your movement if you want to do an athletics check to see how quickly you get up.

Hardwon: Sweet. If I roll high, can I get up and then also extend the wood part of my axe to Moonshine and Bev?

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: Oh, nice.

Hardwon: Hell yeah! Because it's a 26.

DM Murph: Awesome! Hardwon smashes the window, jumps out, climbs on top of the tram moving super fast. Right now you guys are outside of the mountain, so all of the wind is hitting you.

Hardwon: How does my hair look?

DM Murph: Oh, your hair looks awesome. It's blowing in the wind.

Beverly: Oh damn!

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: Your Crick knot blowing in the wind.

Moonshine: Haha, oh, I forgot!

Hardwon: Floppy little Crick knot!

DM Murph: You hold down the butt of your axe for the other guys to grab.

Hardwon: And Paw Paw can climb up my Crick knot.

Beverly: Sounds grosser every time you say it.

DM Murph: The knights actually go next. So the first knight is going to go after Moonshine and take a swing on her. 18 to hit.

Moonshine: That's gonna hit.

DM Murph: Cool. He’s swinging a greatsword for 9 damage. And then he takes a second hit. And he is going to miss on his second attack. Second guy is going to go for Beverly. Takes a swing, misses on his first swing. Takes a swing, hits on his second swing for 8 damage.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: The third knight is going to do an athletics check to climb out the window, and he succeeds. He gets out the window and he grabs onto the butt of your axe, hanging off the side there. I'm gonna need you to do an opposed strength check against this knight-

Hardwon: Wow.

DM Murph: -to see if you have to let go of your axe, or fall off.

Beverly: Oh no!

Hardwon: Jeeze! Can I swing one of my throwing axes at his hand?

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: Fuck. So that is a 16.

DM Murph: ...You beat him by 1!

[cheering]

Hardwon: YES!

DM Murph: So this guy gets out-

Hardwon: God, if I lost my axe...

DM Murph: -onto the side of the tram car. He's yanking at your axe, and you guys are just in this tug of war. That is you, Moonshine.

Moonshine: So, I'm just gonna look at the guy who just hit me and say, "I think you- I think you might be seeing things. I think you might be chasin' ghosts." And then I'm gonna put my hand on Beverly and cast Invisibility.

Beverly: [ecstatic] OOOOOOOH!

Moonshine: And then...

DM Murph: [as Chosen guy] "What? Witch!! She's a witch!"

Moonshine: And then I'm just gonna run.

DM Murph: Okay. So he's gonna get an attack of opportunity as you run away. And he rolls a 1.

Hardwon: Yeah, baby!

DM Murph: He goes to attack you, he stumbles over Beverly. "Ah! Ahh!"

Beverly: [playfully] "Hee hee!"

Moonshine: And then I'm like: "Yikes! Your judgement might be off, friend!"

DM Murph: "WITCH!"

Moonshine: And I'm running away, I'm gonna try and go into another car.

DM Murph: So you open the door, get in between the cars. Are you going up or are you going to the other car?

Moonshine: Oh, no no no, I'm going up. If I can go out there and go up.

DM Murph: Gimme an athletics check.

Hardwon: Come on, Moonshine!

Moonshine: [quietly] Had a nat 1.

DM Murph: You got a nat 1. Okay, you go to start climbing up and you fall precariously between the two cars. You're just hanging there in that little connector area.

Moonshine: I look down my overall bib and I say, "Paw Paw, you okay in there?"

DM Murph: Paw Paw is hanging on like Cliffhanger, like the beginning of Ace Ventura.

Moonshine: Off of my overall bib? So I'm hanging on-

DM Murph: Yeah!

Moonshine: I'm hanging on and then, from my overall bib, Paw Paw’s hanging on?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Oh my gosh.

Moonshine: "Oh Melora, this is too much!"

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw, panicked] "Reeeeeer, rererereeeeer!"

Moonshine: I say, “Don't worry, baby! I'mma take care of you!”

DM Murph: Okay. Hardwon, while you're on top of the car, I need you to go ahead and roll me a perception check.

Hardwon: Oh, dear.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Hardwon: 4, 7, I have 0 perception. 11.

DM Murph: 11! Okay. You do see it. There is a stalactite heading right towards you, like, hanging low. So you will get advantage on this dexterity saving throw. Roll a dexterity saving throw.

Hardwon: 24. Or, 23.

DM Murph: Cool. So, while you're wrestling with this dude who is hanging off the side, he's trying to grab your axe, you're pulling it back. You turn to your right, you see ahead of you on the track there is a low-hanging stalactite that would decapitate you. You pull the axe back and roll out of the way and lay low just as the car passes the hanging obstacle.

Hardwon: It's like the end of Speed.

Beverly: Does the stalactite hit the Chosen guy?

DM Murph: No. He's on the side.

Beverly: Ah, gotcha.

DM Murph: He's hanging on the side.

Hardwon: But now he's not hanging onto my axe anymore.

DM Murph: He's not hanging onto your axe anymore.

Hardwon: Did he fall or go back into- he's hanging onto the car?

DM Murph: He's hanging onto the car.

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: He was hanging on with one hand while yanking you with the left hand.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: And that is Beverly!

Beverly: Alright. Invisible Beverly!

Hardwon: InvisiBev.

DM Murph: [in a squeaky voice] The invisible boy!

[as a Chosen] "Where are you, invisible boy? Where'd that invisible boy go?"

Beverly: [laughing] I stifle my laughter.

DM Murph: He must be loving this.

Beverly: So I'm gonna cast Nature's Wrath. Whoever is closest to me.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: I'll cast spectral vines, and then I'm gonna book it towards Moonshine.

DM Murph: He is going to roll a dex save as vines come up out of nowhere.

Beverly: Yup.

DM Murph: "Ahh! Which of you heretics did this?"

Beverly: [mischievously] "Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

DM Murph: Oh I just rolled the d12, I was like, [in a goofy voice] ‘That's a big d20! These numbers are really big!’

[rolls again] A nat 1!

[cheering]

DM Murph: He's totally tied up in these vines. "Ah! The invisible boy! He did it! He's magic, that boy!"

Beverly: And I whisper: "Fuck Galad Rosell!"

DM Murph: "What!?"

Beverly: And then I run to try and help Moonshine.

DM Murph: Cool. You run out to Moonshine. Yeah, you can use your movement. I'll say, instead of climbing up, if you just want to help Moonshine up as you guys are in this little connector.

Beverly: I do. And I whisper, "It's me, Beverly! I'm invisible!"

Hardwon: She knows.

Moonshine: Anyone who is looking out the window just sees me rise.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Moonshine is suddenly picked up by a tiny ghost air boy.

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora, is that you? Melora!"

Beverly: Ah, Moonshine gets to fly yet again!

DM Murph: Paw Paw is being dramatic - he's still hanging off, kind of as a joke. Just goofing off.

Beverly: I whisper to you, "Play it up! Play it up like you're a witch!"

Moonshine: Okay, I pretend to levitate and I- Yeah.

DM Murph: You see, now it is Ol' Cobb's turn.

Beverly: Oh yeah! He's here!

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb's there. You guys called Ol' Cobb. There is nothing I can do about it! You guys just get a cool guy that comes with you.

Beverly: Fuck yeah!

DM Murph: And he just goes, [in Ol’ Cobb’s deep, gravelly voice] "Well, looks like Ol' Cobb's, uhh, gonna get, uhh, an outdoor seat, uhh. I don't know what to-" He shoots a window. He shoots a window!

Moonshine: Ohh, okay!

DM Murph: [excited, shouting] And he crits!

Hardwon: Ol' Cobb!

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb just [gunshot and shattering glass noises] PFFF! PSSHH! busts out a widow with his blunderbuss, and he'll do an athletics check to climb out. [rolls dice] He doesn't do a good job. So he blows it out with his blunderbuss, and he just hangs out, and he’s just kind of hanging off the side of the tram there.

Hardwon: He blows out too much of the window, so there’s not enough left to grip.

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "Oh that hurts, that hurts Ol' Cobb as he slides through these little pieces of broken glass. Arghh!"

And that is Hardwon. Hardwon, you are atop the train.

Hardwon: I guess I'm gonna swing at the guy that's trying to hang onto- Yeah, the guy that-

DM Murph: Who you were wrestling with for the axe.

Hardwon: Yeah, I swing at that dude.

DM Murph: Got it. Okay!

Hardwon: [nonchalantly] I crit. That's 20, that's a nat 20, baby!

[cheering]

DM Murph: Holy shit!

Hardwon: Hokay. So I roll three d12s.

Moonshine: Wow, 1s and 20s all around!

Beverly: I love it. Whiplash, baby!

Hardwon: 21.

DM Murph: 21 damage. Damn. Yeah, you slash into this dude as he's hanging on.

Beverly: That’s beefy.

Moonshine: "Where is Pelor now, bitch?"

DM Murph: Well, they don't worship Pelor.

Moonshine: Oh, they don't?

Beverly: Yeah, I whisper that.

Hardwon: They worship the Light.

DM Murph: Yeah. So, as he's hanging on, he's starting to pull himself up, you cut across his back. You get under his armor in his back, and he just goes: "Ah, fuck! Shouldn'ta climbed up! Shouldn'ta climbed up! That was a bad idea!"

That is the knight's turn.

Hardwon: Oh, you know what? It's not his turn yet. I'm gonna use my-

DM Murph: Oh, you got another attack!

Beverly: Hell yeah!

Hardwon: Oh yeah, I got another attack.

Moonshine: Yeeah!

Hardwon: That's right, I get two attacks. look at that, I learned the character a little bit.

Beverly: Red's so proud.

Hardwon: 20! Not a nat, but it's a 20.

DM Murph: That does hit.

Hardwon: Cool. That is a 9.

DM Murph: He is still alive, but he is upset and he is hurt. "I'm upset and hurt. Ow! I'm trying to climb here."

Hardwon: I'm gonna use my Action Surge.

DM Murph: Fuck.

Moonshine: Ohh, yeah bitch!

Beverly: I love it.

Moonshine: Atop a train, just critting and surging.

Hardwon: Okay, and that is a 21, baby!

DM Murph: That hits, that hits.

Hardwon: Alright. And that is a 12.

DM Murph: He is barely alive.

Hardwon: And I get another-

DM Murph: You fully, like, cut his arm off as he's just hanging there.

Beverly: Dang.

Hardwon: And I still get another roll, right?

DM Murph: "Ooow! Please stop… Fucking kill me."

Hardwon: Alright. Yes! 25.

DM Murph: Nice, yeah that hits. Finish him!

Hardwon: Great.

DM Murph: He’s hanging by one arm off the side of the tram.

Hardwon: I turn to my axe, Gemma.

Moonshine: Gemma...

Hardwon: And I say: "I choose you! To die on the train." And I cut off his other arm and I let him fall to his death.

DM Murph: [screaming as he falls] "Ahhhh, not that cleverrrr!" Blood spurts everywhere, you see him bounce off the tracks behind you brutally.

Beverly: There are other people on the train, right?

DM Murph: Sure are. They’re horrified.

[as a passenger, not actually that horrified] "Wow, ow! You don't see that every day! Ah, shit!"

Beverly: Just checking in. [as an imaginary passenger] "Uh, this always happens on the G."

Hardwon: Somebody’s just, like, late for work.

DM Murph: So, the one dude is still covered in vines. He can't do anything until the end of his turn. So, this will be the end of his turn. And he rolls a damn 2. So he is still just like: "Find that invisible boy! Find him!"

Hardwon: Do people just think he’s losing his mind, maybe?

DM Murph: And this other knight runs into the connector car.

Moonshine: Okay, good! That's right where I want him.

Beverly: Oh, we haven't scrambled up yet.

DM Murph: No, you guys haven't scrambled up yet.

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: He's just gonna take a swing at Moonshine.

Moonshine: "Bring it on!"

DM Murph: And he misses, he rolls another 2.

Moonshine: "Yeah!"

DM Murph: These guys are the new band of 2s, huh?

Hardwon: Yah!

DM Murph: Oh, but he hits on his second attack.

Moonshine: That's fine.

DM Murph: Oh boy! Not for a lot though, 5 damage.

Moonshine: Okay. I take it in a way that he thinks that he didn't hit me. I'm trying to keep this witch thing-

DM Murph: "I saw you! I saw... that I hit you."

Moonshine: "Or did you?"

DM Murph: "Fuck... I never thought of it like that."

Beverly: "Or did you?" I whisper.

DM Murph: "Oh, the Light! Is that you?"

Beverly: "Yes it’s me! I am the Light!"

Hardwon: Tell him to hurl himself from the train.

DM Murph: Yeah, he just swings his greatsword wildly.

Beverly: "I call you to service!"

DM Murph: "Kill the possum? Kill the possum!"

Moonshine and Beverly: "No!"

DM Murph: I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Beverly: "Piss yourself and jump off a train!"

DM Murph: Okay, wait. Moonshine just went?

Moonshine: No! Moonshine hasn't gone yet!

DM Murph: Okay, sorry. Moonshine, your turn.

Moonshine: Uhm, okay. How wide is this plank? I ask because I have-

DM Murph: It's tight.

Moonshine: It's tight. So I have this thing that would cause him to move 5 feet in a random direction.

DM Murph: [sucking in air through his teeth] That would be bad for him!

Moonshine: Okay, so I would like to cast Infestation on him.

DM Murph: Okay?

Moonshine: And I would like to say: "Did you take a shower this morning?"

DM Murph: "What does that have to- I- you know, I take the shower at the end of the day, alright? There's nothing wrong with that, you get sweaty- Why take a shower first thing in the morning, when you're fresh, right?"

Hardwon: Yeah, then the bed's sweaty.

Moonshine: "I thought that might be the case, 'cause you look a little dirty!" And then I infest him with fleas.

DM Murph: What does he have to do?

Moonshine: He must succeed a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 poison damage and move five feet in a random direction.

DM Murph: Okay! He fails. Okay, so here is what I'll do. So it's a random direction.

Moonshine: Yeah, it says it on here: You roll a d4. 1 is North, 2 is South, 3 is East, and 4 is West.

DM Murph: Okay, so roll it. If he falls East or West, I'll say he rams in between the cars. If he falls North or South, I'll say he falls onto the tracks.

Beverly: Wait, can we flip a coin? Can we flip this fancy new coin?

DM Murph: Yeah yeah, that's true, we can just do- Yeah, we've got a coin here.

Moonshine: Yeah, that's true.

DM Murph: Let's flip a coin!

Beverly: Someone sent us a bunch of coins, fantasycoins.com. You got your shout-out!

DM Murph: You got your shout-out.

Beverly: Check out the Kickstarter. But alright. So one side has a shield and one side has a helmet. You wanna call it?

DM Murph: Okay, so let's say helmet is falling onto the tracks.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Erm, oh! Okay, I got it.

Moonshine: Nonono, I like this. This is good.

Beverly: Helmet!

Hardwon: Oh yeah, baby!! You called it! [claps]

DM Murph: You cover this guy in fleas and he goes like: "Ah! Ah! Ah! They're all over me! What did you do to me, witch?" And he is just backing up the slightest amount, and there is just this outcropping. This slight outcropping of this rock-- catches him on his armor, and he gets sucked back out, and you see him get crushed in between the train cars and the side.

Hardwon: Dope!

Beverly: "Thou shall have no god but Pelor!"

Moonshine: And then I use my movement to climb up.

DM Murph: Yeah, do an athletics check.

Moonshine: And I say: "Paw Paw, quit pussyfootin' and get in my bib!"

DM Murph: "Reeer!" Still hanging off.

Hardwon: Paw Paw is doing it for the ‘gram.

Moonshine: Oooh! Okay, I got a 22.

DM Murph: As you climb up, I'm gonna need Hardwon and you, Moonshine, to do a perception check.

Hardwon: Uh-oh!

Moonshine: Nat 20!

DM Murph: Nat 20.

Beverly: Oh, nice!

Hardwon: 15.

DM Murph: 15. Okay. You guys both see it coming. And you guys both have advantage on your dexterity checks. You see that the tunnel narrows at the top. And if you are on top of the train right now, you're going to fucking crack into it and die.

Hardwon: Oh shit.

DM Murph: So, both of you-

Moonshine: I have to climb right back down?

DM Murph: So, I'll say since you were climbing up and you rolled a nat 20. So you kinda see- you poke your head up and then just like: "Hup! Nope! Okay!" and you poke your head back down, so you're hanging off the side there. You're okay. Hardwon, roll with advantage, a dexterity saving throw.

Hardwon: Great, that's a 23.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: And another 23.

DM Murph: Cool. So tell me how you do it. Do you wanna try to lay down and test it? Or do you wanna jump on the sides?

Hardwon: Ideally, I'd like to dig both of my throwing axes into the side and sorta do, like, a swinging move back through the window onto the train.

Beverly: Oh!

DM Murph: Hell yes, that's fucking dope! Yeah, roll me an acrobatics check, but I'll say no matter what, you get to the side.

Hardwon: It's just a matter of like how cool-

DM Murph: It's just a matter of how badass it is.

Hardwon: [laughing] It's not gonna be that badass, 'cause that was a 3!

DM Murph: [laughing] Cool.

Hardwon: So Hardwon has this awesome idea. I look over to Moonshine and I say, "I'll be okay, watch this!"

DM Murph: You jump over. You stick your axes in. It's purely made of metal, they do not stick in. You quickly recover and use your hands instead. And now you’re hanging on the side of the train.

Hardwon: And I say, [grunting pathetically] "Ugh Uhh! Ahhhh!"

DM Murph: Yeah, you just like- using muscles you don't normally use, like those little finger muscles that you use rock climbing-

Hardwon: "My finger pulleys!"

Beverly: Should’ve gone bouldering!

DM Murph: And that is Beverly.

Moonshine: Invisible Bev!

Beverly: Invisib- [shouts like a circus announcer] ‘The Invisible Bev!’ Okay, cool. I guess I'm just going to - are we past the narrow part?

DM Murph: No, you guys are still - the terrain goes after Moonshine's turn. So right now the terrain is still low.

Beverly: Okay. Uhh... Hmm.

DM Murph: You can just say you prepare a reaction, or you wait on your turn, or you attack the guy who is in the car. Or you can get up next to Moonshine, or you can climb on the side.

Beverly: Yeah, I don't wanna go out of my way to mess up the guy who is restrained currently.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: So, I'll just- I guess I'll just prepare an action. I'll shout at them and be like, "Are you okay?"

Hardwon: "I think you should kill the guy that's restrained!"

Moonshine and Beverly: [laughter]

Hardwon: "He's just gonna get to the top of Galaderon and tell everybody what we're doing!"

Beverly: "Okay!" I run over to the guy who is restrained and say, like, "The Light has forsaken you, you must remain in penance! Prostrate yourself! Prostrate yourself before the Light!"

Moonshine: And remember, Bev's invisible, so he's just hearing this.

DM Murph: "I saw you turn invisible, you little prick!"

Beverly: Ha! I slap him.

DM Murph: [laughs] He takes the damage.

Beverly: -with my shield.

DM Murph: Ah, okay. Do you wanna attack him?

Beverly: I'd like to render him unconscious if possible.

DM Murph: Okay, go for an attack with advantage, because he’s restrained.

Beverly: Okay... If I roll twice because of advantage and I get a 1 on my second roll, do I get to reroll that?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Nice!

DM Murph: That is a question for a bad roller.

Beverly: Yup! That was like a 5... it was a 7 and a 1, and then I rerolled the 1 and got a 5, so 7 plus-

DM Murph: Cool, you somehow land directly on his helm and he just goes, "Ah! That hurt a little bit!"

Beverly: What's his AC? ‘Cuz, um - or you don't have to tell me that, but-

DM Murph: He's wearing full plate armor.

Beverly: Alright, cool.

DM Murph: Cool. That is Ol' Cobb-

Hardwon: Nice!

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: -who is hanging off the side, and he goes, "Well, it's been a long time since I’ve been ridin' the subway quite like this. I mean, I'm used to economy, but this is nuuuuts. A little Ol' Cobb humor! I'm not gonna do anything this turn, but I'm gonna prepare a reaction just in case some fucked up shit happens down here."

Hardwon: "You're the man, Ol' Cobb!"

DM Murph: "Eyy! Thank you, Hardwon!" That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Maybe I'll get myself in the train.

Beverly: We can't see the secret passage yet?

DM Murph: He told you that if you get on top of the train, at one point between middle and upper Galaderon there will be a track that you can jump to in an abandoned tunnel. So you guys have to be up there at some point.

Hardwon: So I guess I'm just gonna keep hanging on to-

Moonshine: You might as well prepare an action and if you see, you know-

Hardwon: Well, I don't really have any actions to prepare, right?

DM Murph: No, you can just have an axe, be like: I chop off anybody who comes through this window.

Hardwon: Great. That's what I do.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: Haha, tight.

DM Murph: Cool, so you're gonna hold an action, attack anybody that comes through the window that you went out.

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Great. That is the knight, who can't do shit because he's restrained. He's gonna do a strength check to get out. And he crits. So he finally bursts from the vines, and he is upset. "Where are you, invisible boy?!"

Beverly: "I'm nowhere and everywhere at the same time!"

DM Murph: "You're a bad boy!"

Beverly: [offended gasp]

DM Murph: "I don't know if people have ever told you that you’re a good boy, but... you need to prostrate yourself!"

Beverly: "Oh my gosh!"

Hardwon: "Don't do it, Bev!"

DM Murph: Hardwon yelling through the window.

Hardwon: [yelling] "Don't prostrate yourself, Bev!"

DM Murph: Everyone on the train is just acting like this is New York Showtime. Everyone’s just looking down at their Kindles.

Beverly: Yeah, is anyone throwing coins at us?

DM Murph: Everybody is just trying to- they're just like: "Ah, this shit again."

Beverly: They're looking at their stones.

Moonshine: "Fucking Galderon. Fucking D&D cities, this crazy shit’s always happening here."

Beverly: I- can I- well, it's not my turn so I can't do shit.

DM Murph: Okay so the knight just burst out. The other two are fucking dead. That is you, Moonshine. So you're on the side here.

Moonshine: Okay, so I'm hanging on the side. I'd like to stay hanging on the side, but I'm gonna cast Heat Metal on his armor, on his chest plate.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Turn him into a goddamn jambalaya!

Moonshine: I think that- yeah, any creature in physical contact with the object takes 2d8 fire damage. I don't think he even has a saving throw.

DM Murph: Okay. Go for it!

Moonshine: And then, as a bonus action I can make him take this damage again.

DM Murph: Okay, go for it.

Beverly: So you can just sizzle his nips with the snap of your finger?

Moonshine: Yes, so I'm gonna sizzle this motherfucker's nips!

DM Murph: "Uh, is it toasty in this subway?! Why isn't there proper air in here? This is why I take the hot air balloons!"

Hardwon: "I feel fine!" Shaking my hair in the wind.

DM Murph: "That's why I always take the hot air balloons. Where are you, invisible boy?"

Beverly: "Stop, drop, and roll. You gotta prostrate yourself!"

DM Murph: "It's hot! It's hot in this armor!"

Hardwon: "Prostrate yourself!"

Beverly: "Prostrate yourself!"

Moonshine: So he takes 8 damage from his scalding breastplate.

DM Murph: [screaming in pain] "Ahh! Ahh!"

Moonshine: ‘Til this spell ends I can use a bonus action on each of my subsequent turns to cause this damage again. If the creature is holding or wearing the object and takes damage from it, the creature must succeed on a constitution saving throw or drop the object if it can. If it doesn't drop the object, it has disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks until the start of the next turn.

DM Murph: Alright, so I'll say that you're doing it to like his breastplate?

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. Constitution saving throw. He fails.

Moonshine: So, does that mean that he doesn't-

DM Murph: He starts to take off his breastplate. "Ah! Ah! It's hot! It’s hot! What did you do to me invisible boy?!"

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Prostrate yourself!"

DM Murph: "What did you do to me, witch boy?!"

Moonshine: And then I just keep hanging on the thing.

Beverly: "The light shall take your nipples."

DM Murph: "No!"

Moonshine: And I'll use my quote unquote movement just to keep an eye out for what's coming ahead.

DM Murph: Moonshine, since you said that, roll me a perception check with advantage. Hardwon, you roll me a perception check.

Moonshine: I got a 22.

Hardwon: [laughter] I got a nat 1 so you're gonna have to tell me-

DM Murph: Hoooly shit.

Beverly: Uh-oh.

Moonshine: I will. I'll shout.

DM Murph: Okay. Ol' Cobb also got a bad perception roll so Ol' Cobb's just up there laughing with you. [as Ol' Cobb] "Amen brother. Economy, right?"

Moonshine: What do I see?

DM Murph: You see that the tunnel is narrowing at the sides and then it's opening up, up top.

Moonshine: I say, "Ol' Cobb jump up! We got a narrow tunnel ahead!"

DM Murph: Everybody do an athletics check.

Moonshine: Do I have to do one because I'm still- I haven't gone on the roof yet.

Hardwon: That's a nat 20.

Beverly: Ohhhh!

DM Murph: You're good. You're good, Em. [rolls dice] [chuckles quietly to himself] Oh, god. Okay. So, you guys... [rolls dice]

Moonshine: Awww.

DM Murph: Wait, you crit?

Hardwon: I crit. I got a nat 20. I wanna hop up there and extend my arm for Ol' Cobb.

DM Murph: I'm gonna say- okay, cool. Moonshine sees it. Stays in between the cars. Yells to Hardwon who is just laughing with Ol' Cobb. Hardwon turns, sees-

Hardwon: "You crack me up, Ol' Cobb"

DM Murph: Sees that it's narrowing. Hops up to the top. Grabs Ol' Cobb and pulls him up, but Ol' Cobb bashes his shoulder on the side and takes 9 damage but you're able to pull him up.

Hardwon: "Sorry about that, Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Aw shit, I should have been lookin' out. That's my bad."

Moonshine: “Ol' Cobb ain’t no stranger to danger."

DM Murph: "That's right."

Hardwon: "You get my goat, Ol' Cobb. You really do."

DM Murph: "Ain't the first time I've been hit by a fast moving rock, I'll tell you that much."

Hardwon: "Come on, Ol' Cobb, you gotta stay focused, man."

DM Murph: "Alright. Yeah, this is what-"

Moonshine: "We played dodgeball with rocks down at The Crick! Hard, grey-"

Beverly: "This Cobb's got kernels to spare."

DM Murph: Everyone's just yelling that over the train. That is Beverly's turn.

Beverly: Okay, so the sides are short, top is wide now?

DM Murph: Yep.

Beverly: Or the top is tall?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Sides short, top tall!

DM Murph: Top's tall.

Hardwon: Like a cool haircut. High and tight.

DM Murph: And you guys know you are eventually gonna need to be up there.

Beverly: I guess I'll try again to render this soldier unconscious.

Moonshine: Is his AC gonna be worse because he's trying to take off his breastplate?

DM Murph: His AC is gonna be worse, yeah. He's in the process of taking off his breastplate.

Moonshine: Do you have two hits yet?

Beverly: I do have two hits. Oh, I could have used a second attack then.

DM Murph: Should have done it.

Beverly: Whoops.

Moonshine: This time use it.

Beverly: Chess rules, yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so you're gonna swing at this dude?

Beverly: Yeah, I'm gonna try to-

DM Murph: Go ahead and take a swing.

Beverly: ... Alright, that was a 4 plus my attack which is 8.

DM Murph: I'll say he only has 12 AC right now. So, did you just get a 12?

Beverly: Uh... I got a 12.

DM Murph: You hit.

Beverly: Oh nice! Cool.

DM Murph: Yeah. As he's taking his breast plate off you slash him across the chest, "Ah, I don't know what hurts more! I don't know what hurts more! The slashing or the fire in my nipples!"

Beverly: "This is Pelor's punishment!" Can I attack him again?

DM Murph: Yeah, go for you second atta- oh, what was the damage?

Beverly: Oh...

[laughter]

Hardwon: The most important part.

DM Murph: Roll your damage, invisible boy!

Moonshine: I just realised we've skipped Moonshine's turn. All I was going to do was just use the bonus action to hurt him- to do more fire damage from the breast plate.

DM Murph: Okay, sorry, Moonshine, we'll do you after Bev.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: 10.

DM Murph: 10 damage? Cool.

Beverly: And then-

DM Murph: He's a pretty sturdy guy,

Beverly: Okay. Now I'm just trying to render him unconscious,

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Beverly: Oooh that's a 16 plus 8!

DM Murph: Yep. That super hits.

Beverly: Alright, cool.

DM Murph: Roll your damage.

Beverly: Thats a... 6 plus 7. 13.

Moonshine: Woo!

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: 13. Okay. He's starting to look pretty fucked up. Are you gonna try to climb up or anything, Bev?

Beverly: Can I do that after attacking?

DM Murph: Yes, I've been letting you guys use your movement to go up.

Beverly: Yeah yeah yeah. I'll try and get up. I'll go out the back so that I can climb up the top without getting on the side.

DM Murph: Cool. Roll an athletics check to see how quick you are about doing that.

Beverly: [rolls dice]... [laughter]

Hardwon: Band of!

Beverly: The 2s!

DM Murph: The 2s?

Moonshine: Haunted by 2s.

Beverly: Cursed by the band.

DM Murph: Cool. You go to the little connector area between the two cars. You go to jump up and you miss grabbing onto the top and you're just still at the connector between the two cars.

Beverly: [harumph of effort] I get a flashback to the presidential fitness exam.

[laughter]

DM Murph: When you couldn't do a pull up in front of Erlin.

Beverly: Couldn't do a single pull up.

[laughter]

Hardwon: And Derlin could do two.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Surprisingly strong for his body weight.

Beverly: Cran did fucking twenty.

DM Murph: And that is Ol' Cobb.

Moonshine: Wait, what about Moonshine?

Hardwon: I thought you said Moonshine.

DM Murph: Sorry. That is Moonshine.

Moonshine: Please stop skipping Moonshine, sir. All Moonshine is gonna do, is she's gonna do that extra 2d8, that bonus action.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: ... 6.

DM Murph: ’kay.

Moonshine: And then I'm gonna hop up onto the-

DM Murph: Okay, give me an athletics check with advantage.

Moonshine: That's gonna be... 17.

DM Murph: You hop right up there. You pull yourself up.

Hardwon: Sweet. "Hey, Paw Paw."

DM Murph: And this guy has fully taken his breast plate off. "Ahh! Cursed breastplate!"

Hardwon: Are his nipples smoking a little bit?

Beverly: How do they look?

DM Murph: Yeah you see it has burnt through his undershirt and he just has a very red chest, it looks like he has really bad sunburn.

[laughter]

Moonshine: I don't know, y'all. We don't even have to kill this guy, we've destroyed his credibility.

DM Murph: "You've given me a red belly!"

Moonshine: He went onto a train full of passengers, declared someone was a witch, kept screaming about an invisible boy, then took his shirt off. [laughter]

DM Murph: Everyone's just not looking at him.

Moonshine: I think they're gonna discharge him on like dishonorable leave.

DM Murph: Okay. That is Ol' Cobb's turn. Ol' Cobb is gonna use his turn to just prepare an action, whatever needs to happen. To jump, or - actually, Ol' Cobb doesn't even know the plan, so Ol' Cobb turns to you, Hardwon, and goes, "Hey, buddy, what's the whole point here of being on top of this here car? It's real badass and all, but-"

Hardwon: "Oh yeah, we're gonna jump into a secret mine pretty soon. Hey, can I hold onto your phone?"

DM Murph: "Right on!" He gives you the rock. "Take my talkin' rock."

Hardwon: "Thanks, dog."

DM Murph: And he's just, "Alright, I'm waitin' to jump."

Hardwon: "Got nothing but love for you, Ol' Cobb."

[laughter]

DM Murph: So he kind of squats and gets ready to jump. Hardwon, that is your turn.

Hardwon: I'm gonna - can I just extend my hand and help Bev up?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Oh, nice.

DM Murph: You can use your turn if you wanna just- just do a strength check with advantage to pull him up.

Moonshine: But, I think you guys would have to do-

DM Murph: Oh wait, he's invisible!

Beverly: I'm invisible.

Moonshine: He's invisible.

Hardwon: Oh shit. Alright then, can I just lean over the-

Moonshine: Can he do like a Marco Polo?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can do a Marco Polo.

Hardwon: Alright, cool.

Beverly: Yeah. I'll play my flute so he knows where I am.

Moonshine: I think it should be- Oh, that's goood!

Hardwon: That's great. And I creep towards the edge of the train playing my wood block.

Beverly: [singing flighty instrumental ditties with his flute]

Hardwon: Creating magical music. A strength check with advantage?

DM Murph: Yeah. Okay, that is... yeah. So that was -

Beverly: [singing over Hardwon] "Come and find me, I am here. Come and find me, oh my dear. Come and find me, I'm your boy. Come and find me, find my joy."

Moonshine: That's what they play in the pool.

Hardwon: "Atta boy, Bev!" I rolled a 23 so I imagine I help him up?

DM Murph: Oh hell yeah. You reach down grabbing at where you're hearing a boy playing the flute and you yank him up like a mama kitten by his neck fat and pull him up on top of the train with you.

Beverly: "Hi, Hardwon. It's me, I'm invisible."

Hardwon: “I got that.”

DM Murph: That is... the knight, who is mad and out of the vines.

Moonshine: And out of his chest plate.

DM Murph: And out of his chest plate.

Beverly: Out of the vines but into the weeds.

DM Murph: So everybody's on the roof?

Hardwon: We're all on the roof.

DM Murph: So this dude is going to do an athletics check. He's gonna climb out.

Beverly: Why don't you get on the roof?

DM Murph: Super successfully uses his action. He climbs up on the roof and he's up there and he goes-

Moonshine: No breastplate, right?

DM Murph: No breastplate on. Just red chested, red belly.You see he has- he looks like this real built guy when he's got all the armor on but he's got a little bit of a gut- a little bit of a paunch and he looks at you guys and he says, "I said you are arrested...by the light!" and he is going to take a greatsword swing at you Hardwon.

Hardwon: "Bring it on, man. You really shouldn't have climbed on this roof."

DM Murph: Just swinging so desperately at you and he misses. He swings down as you roll out of the way and he's gonna take another swing at you and he's actually going to hit.

Hardwon: Alright.

DM Murph: So he jumps and he desperately, desperately is trying to take you to hell with him...and he does 9 damage to you.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: And that is Moonshine's turn.

Moonshine: This is not necessarily the most strategic thing, I just wanna fuck with this guy. I'd like to cast Infestation on him now.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Okay. Yeah. You cast it. He has to succeed on a roll right?

Moonshine: Yeah, he has to do a constitution saving throw.

DM Murph: Okay. He's gonna do a constitution saving throw.

Beverly: Emily, is it specifically little fleas? Is that what the card says?

Moonshine: It can be fleas or any other parasites.

Beverly: Oh. I was just wondering if you're gonna be-

Moonshine: I'm gonna give him bed bugs if I can.

DM Murph: He passed.

Moonshine: Oh, he passed.

DM Murph: So you see the bugs start going all over his chest and he just slaps at them. "Ah! Ah! Damn you!"

Hardwon: [laughter] His skin is too hot for the bugs to survive.

DM Murph: "Damn you bug woman and invisible boy!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: Does he take half damage or anything?

Moonshine: N- I don't think so....

DM Murph: Okay. He just successfully squashes the bugs. "You think I haven't been to a cookout and smacked some skeeters off my belly?"

Moonshine: "Oh. Hold on! Y'all have cookouts?"

DM Murph: "Of course. Well, we call them barbecues."

Hardwon: "You probably have a whole bunch of other people cooking the meat for you, right?"

DM Murph: "No way, I man the grill!"

Moonshine: "Oooh, I kinda like this guy."

DM Murph: "You seen this belly? I man the grill."

Beverly: "Do you do dry rub or wet roast?"

DM Murph: "Dry!"

Beverly: "Booo!!"

DM Murph: "I like everything dry!"

Moonshine: "Ehh, I can respect that."

DM Murph: "I love dryness."

Moonshine: [trepidatious] "I can- okay."

Hardwon: "I do respect a guy that helps with the grill."

DM Murph: While everyone is on top of the train-

Beverly: [warily] Oh boy!

DM Murph: -give me a perception check, ‘cause there is an important thing coming, y'all.

Moonshine: I got a 23.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Even with my 0 modifier I got a 19.

DM Murph: Nice.

Moonshine: Now I wanna kinda recruit this guy for the mission if he likes a good BBQ.

Beverly: I got a 16.

DM Murph: 16?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You guys all, including Ol' Cobb, you guys do see another tunnel deeper in the mountain that you guys are about to pass that there is a track hanging down almost like a ladder that you can jump to. So as it passes, I'm gonna need everyone to make an athletics check. Since you guys- athletics or acrobatics- since you guys have perceived it, you guys saw it coming, you guys have advantage on your checks. So it is Beverly's turn as you guys rocket towards this track that's kind of hanging like a ladder out of the abandoned tunnel.

Beverly: I wanna try something.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: I wanna ready my rope. I wanna give one end of the rope to someone else and I wanna Misty Step up to the ladder.

Moonshine: Ooooh yeah, bitch!

Beverly: So that I can pulley up everyone else.

Moonshine: Wish I stocked that.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: And then what I'll do is I’ll plunge my sword into the side of whatever is there so that I can try and steady myself cause I am the smallest person.

DM Murph: Ha! You can definitely Misty Step up there, tie it around and kind of have it as like a safeguard for somebody to grab if they fail-

Beverly: I'll do that!

DM Murph: -but, as the little guy, I don't know if you could pull up people.

Beverly: Okay, yeah. I'll Misty Step up and tie a rope.

DM Murph: Dope.

Hardwon: Dope.

Beverly: Great.

Moonshine: Again, Bev is invisible so we just see a rope fling itself up onto-

DM Murph: Yeah, a rope just goes up. It looks like invisible Batman threw it. You get up onto this track in this abandoned tunnel. Bev, you are hanging there, you stick your sword into the stone, and you got your rope tied up there and it is now hanging.

Beverly: Knotsman's badge!

DM Murph: That is Ol' Cobb's turn. Ol' Cobb goes, "Well, I haven't had to jump off a subway in a long time. That's not particularly clever, I apologise." He jumps with advantage. Ol' Cobb makes it. Ol' Cobb gets to the ladder-

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb! They call him Ol' Cobb, but he's spry!"

Hardwon: "He's got some pep in his step."

Moonshine:"Yeahhh."

DM Murph: He scrambles up the track. Hardwon, that is your turn.

Moonshine: "He's got some pump in his jump."

Hardwon: Alright.

Beverly: Still a few kernels on this Cobb.

Hardwon: That is a... 24. You said roll with advantage, though?

DM Murph: Yeah. You're gonna make it with a 24 anyway.

Hardwon: [Rolls dice] Cool. 24. Let's go.

DM Murph: Cool. You- how do you do this, Hardwon?

Hardwon: Alright, cool. I'm gonna try the throwing axe thing again.

DM Murph: Dope. Yeah, you do that. I'll say, with a 24, you succeed wildly enough that you jump up and you use your two axes and instead of using the track like a very easy ladder, just an easy grab, you stick your axes in and hang by the rocks.

Hardwon: "I make my own ladders!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: And that is...the knight's turn. He is going to try to jump up onto the ladder too.

Hardwon: [whispers under his breath] Uh-Oh.

DM Murph: ...and he succeeds.

Beverly: Oh, I guess he could use my rope, huh.

Moonshine: That's fine.

DM Murph: So he jumps up and he is now hanging up on that ladder. On the tracks.

Hardwon: I'd rather have him with us than heading back to Galaderon.

Moonshine: Yeah, I think so too.

DM Murph: So, that is you, Moonshine. You're in sort of a precarious position because you've got this guy hanging there now.

Moonshine: That's okay, I'm still gonna try and jump on it.

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Moonshine: Yeah....16.

DM Murph: 16. You make it. So, now Moonshine and this knight are both hanging there. His bare chest is up against you. "Ah! Ah! You're the one who gave me sunburn!" Beverly, that is going to be your turn. Here's where you guys are right now: Hardwon, Beverly, Ol' Cobb are all up in this abandoned tunnel. There's this track that is jutting down like a ladder hanging down a little bit and Moonshine and this knight- this bare-chested knight- are hanging there wrestling each other. He's trying to pry her fingers. Bev, that's your turn.

Beverly: Okay, I shout down at the knight. I am still invisible, by the way.

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly:"Hi! It's me, invisible boy, remember?"

DM Murph: Wait, don't if you attack you lose your invisibility?

Beverly: Oh, is that true?

Moonshine: Oh, the spell ends for a target that attacks or casts a spell.

DM Murph: Got it. Okay. So Bev-

Moonshine: So we did that wrong.

DM Murph: Right. So, Bev, you are actually not invisible right now.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: We should have taken away the invisible once you attacked, but it didn't matter, he never got a chance to swing at you, he was always tied up in vines. So, Bev, you're up.

Beverly: Okay. I say, "Hey, it's me, Bev, remember? I was invisible before!"

DM Murph: "Yeah, you're not invisible now. I'm gonna kill you and your friend!"

Hardwon: "Prostrate yourself!"

DM Murph: "I already bare-chested myself!"

Beverly: "I'm gonna give you one chance! I don't wanna have to drop you onto this tram, but I will."

DM Murph: "I will return to the light and you all- you all will be damned to the Nine Hells!"

Hardwon: "I don't know why you're trying to save this guy, Bev."

Beverly: "You've perverted the light and I'm afraid you must be punished." I'm gonna cast Command which is just I say I'm gonna cast Command and then you roll a dice.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: You must succeed on a wisdom saving throw.

DM Murph: Got it. [Rolls dice]...Okay. He fails.

Beverly: I guess I just say, "Stay."

DM Murph: Okay. Stay like on the track?

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Ooh. Or like have him- wait, stay on the track?

Hardwon: Sort of like stay so he-

DM Murph: Just like stay hanging there?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Don't climb up. Don't play.

Moonshine: That's good.

Beverly: Could I say freeze or stay? Yeah I'll just say-

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: I shout, "Stay!"

Hardwon: "Good doggie."

Moonshine: Oh, that might really help me out.

Beverly: You got it!

DM Murph: Cool. [blithering] "Fine. I-I-I feel like I need to stay."

Moonshine: "Okay."

Beverly: "That's right!"

DM Murph: Then it's Ol' Cobb's turn. Ol' Cobb is just going to pull out his gun and blast this dude's head off.

Beverly: Well!

DM Murph: He just shoots him right in the face. The guy falls back onto the tram, he gets torn up even worse, and he turns to you, Beverly, and goes, [as Ol' Cobb] "Sorry, but that guy just didn't have any hospitality."

[laughter]

Moonshine: Is he dead? The guy?

DM Murph: He's super dead.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb pulls up Moonshine.

Beverly: Phew.

Hardwon: Oh, man. I'd like to strong-grip handshake Ol' Cobb real quick. "That's what's up."

DM Murph: "Put her there, brother."

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, that was great."

DM Murph: "Right."

Beverly: "Mr. Cobb, we might disagree on methodology but a success is a success."

DM Murph: "I shot that man in his face."

Beverly: "You sure did."

Hardwon: "That's about the funniest thing you could put in that blunderbuss."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Some real bullets for that dude's face."

Moonshine: Okay, so what do we see now?

DM Murph: So you guys-

Moonshine: Are we on the mining track yet?

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys are on a mining track so all you guys see is a pitch black tunnel.

Hardwon: I would know my way around one of these because I spent my entire life building this exact kinda tunnel.

DM Murph: Right, so, Hardwon, you would know that along the minecart track there will be like little excavation sites and stuff and you also know, from what Red told you, that your mother was staying somewhere along the tracks.

Hardwon: Along the track.

DM Murph: That she has like an improvised living space in one of- a little cave.

Hardwon: Alright, cool.

Moonshine: "Hardwon, how concerned do you think we need to be about traps?"

Hardwon: "I think if my mom's- or The Widow, whoever she is now- she's made her home down here, it feels like it's flying under the radar of The Chosen."

Moonshine: "Okay. Alright. No, I meant traps from this previous fallen kingdom. You know, ancient traps from a different time."

Hardwon: "Oh! No, us dwarves, we're just mining machines. We don't wanna make anything that's tough to get the product out of the mountain you know."

Moonshine: "Oh. Okay, alright, good then-"

Hardwon: "I think."

Moonshine: "-I will not be concerned about that."

DM Murph: So you guys are gonna start walking down the tunnel?

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah, but I don't totally trust Hardwon's evaluation so I'm keeping an eye out for traps.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: I wanna use just Divine Sense to detect evil or undead.

DM Murph: Oh, there is- somethin' ain't right. Somethin' ain't right in this tunnel.

Moonshine: Awww.

Beverly: "Guys, somethin' ain't right."

Hardwon: Something isn't funnel in the tunnel.

[laughter]

DM Murph: You don't detect undead but you do detect evil.

Beverly: Okay. How- I guess it's not very fine tuned. I can't be like, “evil's right there!”

DM Murph: No, no.

Moonshine: How ‘bout this-

DM Murph: It's not a Dragonball radar.

Moonshine: "Somethin's misaligned in this mine."

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: Really good. They only get-

Hardwon: You could also say somethin' ain't fine in the mine.

Moonshine: No, I like misaligned. Feels a little more like-

Beverly: This shaft ain't aft.

Moonshine: Oooh.

Hardwon: There we go.

Moonshine: Somethin's gone daft in this shaft.

Beverly: That's better!

DM Murph: "Alright, well-"

Hardwon: This is why she does it.

DM Murph: "Should we get going then?"

Beverly: "Should we make a torch with our adventurer's kit?"

Hardwon: "Yeah, let's-"

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys can do that. Cool.

Beverly: Cool.

DM Murph: So, you guys make some torches.

Moonshine: Make a torch. I do have Find Traps stocked. It’s 120 feet, so I guess I'm waiting ‘til we're in the right place to use that.

DM Murph: You see Ol' Cobb turns to you, Moonshine. He says, "Yeah, I don't know that there's gonna be traps in an old abandoned mine, but maybe save your spells because I'm smelling the air here and somethin' ain't right."

Moonshine: "Mmm. Okay. Traps and distractions, unnecessary things for Moonshine to worry about."

Hardwon: "By the way, Ol' Cobb, it's a story for another time but The Widow's my mom so, let's not kill her."

DM Murph: "Is that right?"

Hardwon: "Yeah, brother."

DM Murph: "Yeah, nobody was kinda clear on the plan with Ol' Cobb. Ol' Cobb, you know-"

Moonshine: "I'm so sorry about that, Ol' Cobb"

DM Murph: "I just wanna help The Crick."

Moonshine: "You know-"

Hardwon: "Yep. Same."

Moonshine: "Yeah, you know sometimes lines get crossed, wires get frayed, you know."

DM Murph: "Stones get thrown."

Hardwon: "Stones get thrown."

Moonshine: "Stones get thrown."

Hardwon: "Cobb, you were destined for greater things."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "We're gonna do more than find this Widow. We're gonna save The Crick."

Moonshine: "Alright, let's just proceed forward."

DM Murph: "Hell yeah."

Moonshine: Do I have little night vision goggles for Paw Paw?

DM Murph: ...Yeah. Yeah.

Beverly: Obviously. What a fucking dumb question.

DM Murph: You absolutely do. Although, he should- can see at night.

Moonshine: Like could I maybe- I bought-

Hardwon: Paw Paw's the one person who doesn't need them, but he should have them nonetheless.

DM Murph: [amused] Paw Paw has night vision.

Moonshine: But maybe I have regular goggles just so that he doesn't get soot in his eye.

DM Murph: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you have mining goggles for Paw Paw, and he looks cute as hell.

Hardwon: Okay, I've got mining goggles, too.

DM Murph: You do have night vision goggles. But a torch would also help you guys, because it's still- you know, low light vision is only so close.

Moonshine: We do that. But Paw Paw is wearing goggles.

DM Murph: You guys light up torches and you start making your way through the tunnels. You guys see turned over mine carts. You see that the tracks are kind of bent and obviously haven't been used in a while, but you guys do find several little excavation sites where the rocks have been picked clean so you guys kinda stop at your first significant one that's pretty big, that goes pretty deep into the center of the mountain.

Hardwon: Okay.

Beverly: Is this a-

Moonshine: "I'm just putting it out there to any spirits who are lingering that might feel as though they have unfinished business, that I am a friend of death and decay and if y'all are concerned I can go to your corpse and cast Gentle Repose on it and help you pass over."

Beverly: "We are always nice to ghosts!"

Moonshine: "Yep."

Beverly: "We have never been mean to a ghost."

Moonshine: "Juuust putting it out there."

Hardwon: "That's right."

Moonshine: "Don't know if anyone's listenin'."

DM Murph: You guys hear nothing.

Moonshine: "Worth a try, y'all."

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb walks over and he starts just investigating and seeing if there's anything there...and he rolls very poorly on his investigation check and he just goes, "I don't really see anything."

Hardwon: "Let's see if I can peek in there, Cobb."

DM Murph: Go ahead.

Hardwon: ...Still a 0. 7.

DM Murph: 7. Hardwon you don't find anything either. This looks like it hasn't-

Moonshine: I'll do an investigation.

DM Murph: It hasn't been used in years.

Beverly: I guess we're all investigating.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: So mine is actually- my roll is actually gonna go to Paw Paw.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: And it's a 19.

DM Murph: 19. Okay. You see Paw Paw scampers over sniffing at the ground and he starts yapping near some footprints.

Beverly: Ooh.

Hardwon: "Good boy, Paw Paw."

DM Murph: "Reer reeer reeeeer."

Moonshine: See, that's why you've gotta put the goggles on him. They're actually prescription. He's got a great poor sight-"

DM Murph: "Reer." He takes off the- he starts clawing at his eyes trying to get his-

Hardwon: "Does Paw Paw have astigmatism?"

Moonshine: "He reads at night and it just wrecks his eyesight."

Beverly: "Yep. That's what my mom said."

DM Murph: He's just sticking his tongue up into his own goggles, licking them, trying to get them off. Trying to bite at his own head. "Reer reeer. Reeeer. Reeeer."

Moonshine: "Paw Paw, you know they're good for you. You know they're good for you! I know you don't like the way they look. I think you look handsome."

DM Murph: So you guys see cloven footprints.

Hardwon: Oh shit, that's those goat men.

Moonshine: Theeese are the goat men.

DM Murph: "Well, maybe we know what ain't right, huh?"

Hardwon: "There's a bunch of fucking goats in here?"

Moonshine: "Are they two-legged goat- does it look like they have two hooves or four hooves?"

DM Murph: "Mmm, they look bipedal to me."

Moonshine: "Oh, that is sinister."

Beverly: "Man, you know a little bit about biology. That's fun."

DM Murph: "Normal goats walk around with four legs, whereas goat men walk around with two. "

Hardwon: "Thanks for that."

DM Murph: "That's just some Ol' Cobb knowledge there."

[laughter]

Moonshine: "He teaches a class down by The Crick."

DM Murph: "I am the foremost expert in goat men at The Crick."

Hardwon: "Do we wanna keep on looking for these goat men or do we wanna just-"

Moonshine: "I think that maybe we just- I mean, ‘cause we're not looking for the goat men, we're tryna-"

Hardwon: "No, we're trying to find The Widow."

Moonshine: Okay, wait. So this is like a little shaft? Like is this like a little-

DM Murph: No, so it's basically like there's the track and the dwarves essentially dug a deeper cave off of the track.

Hardwon: Alright, sweet. So let's turn around and keep on-

DM Murph: "Shall we keep truckin' up?"

Hardwon: "Let's keep going, Cobb."

Beverly: “Yep.”

DM Murph: So you guys go back into the tunnel. You guys start going up. Somebody give me- everybody give me a perception check.

Hardwon: [rolls dice] Cannot win on these perceptions.

Moonshine: 11.

DM Murph: 11.

Hardwon: 8.

Beverly: 16.

DM Murph: 16.

Hardwon: Beverly sees something. Come on.

Moonshine: Good.

DM Murph: Beverly, you hear the slightest little [weak braying moaning sound]. Just weird. You can't tell if it's somebody in pain or pleasure.

Beverly: "Do y'all hear that?"

Hardwon: "I don't think it was my mom."

Moonshine: "Can you recreate it for us?"

DM Murph: [continuing the weak moaning]

Beverly: Do I know what it is?

DM Murph: [moans]

Beverly: Is it coming closer?

DM Murph: [longer moans] No, it's not coming closer.

Beverly: Okay. "Guys, there's something up ahead and I can't tell if it's in pain or if it's uh, doing some sort of nasty adult dance, but it's up there."

DM Murph: "Goat men will get into all kinda nasty stuff. "

Hardwon: "Let's keep sneaking up on it."

Moonshine: "Ohhh."

DM Murph: "And I say goat men but it is- you know, it's-"

Moonshine: "Goat men and goat women."

DM Murph: "Yeah, right, it's goat people really."

Moonshine: "Goat they. Goat they."

Hardwon: "Got it."

Beverly: "Right, how-"

DM Murph: "Sorry, force of habit. Goat people. There's some goat people up there maybe-"

Beverly: "Ol' Cobb, how sexually-"

DM Murph: "-rolling around in the hay."

Beverly: "How sexually enlightened would you say goat people were?"

DM Murph: "Mmm... a little too much so, perhaps."

Moonshine: "Are they polyamorous or monogamous or-"

DM Murph: "I would imagine so. Honestly, I'm kinda- I don't know as much about goat people as I- I may have previously-"

Beverly: "You don't have to bluster with u,s Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Yeah, I know. To be the foremost expert in something at The Crick actually isn't so difficult and I'm kinda learnin' that as I leave The Crick. My three-hundred and seventy-five years living at The Crick..."

Hardwon: "Damn! I didn't realise you were old, Ol' Cobb!"

DM Murph: "I'm old as shit, brother. That's Ol' Cobb."

Beverly: What do we know about goat people? Are they like-

DM Murph: You guys don't know much.

Moonshine: I say we go spy.

Hardwon: Yeah, let's just go spy on 'em.

DM Murph: Cool. For sure.

Moonshine: You know what, we're probably gonna take a rest before we do our little-

Hardwon: The heist?

Moonshine: The heist.

Hardwon: Do you wanna do Pass Without Trace?

Moonshine: I cast Pass Without Trace on all of us, to help us stealth.

DM Murph: Great, so that's a one-

Moonshine: That gives us all +10 to stealth.

DM Murph: +10 to stealth rolls? Cool. So you guys continue ahead. Are you still using your torches or are you putting your torches out.

Moonshine: Let's snuff them.

Hardwon: Yeah, let's stealth.

DM Murph: Okay, You guys snuff the torches.

Moonshine: Snuff and stealth.

DM Murph: Everybody roll me stealth rolls.

Hardwon: Oooh 27!

Beverly: 26.

Moonshine: I got a-

DM Murph: Jesus, guys.

Moonshine: A 27.

Hardwon: Oh, I actually got a 31!

DM Murph: Wow. Okay, yeah. You guys all do fantastic. So you guys start walking up this tunnel. You guys see another little excavation site. The goats get louder. There are a bunch of them and you just hear [loud, more intense braying moaning].

Hardwon: I whisper to Moonshine, "Definitely fucking."

DM Murph: Just this cacophony of weird shit.

Moonshine: "Yeah, I mean now at this point I just gotta see it. I wanna know what it looks like."

Hardwon: "Do you need my goggles?"

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

DM Murph: So do you wanna kinda sneak around the excavation site?

Beverly: I'm listening very closely, ‘cause to me it does sound like a mating call.

DM Murph: So, are all of you guys going or just Moonshine? How do you guys proceed?"

Moonshine: I think all stealth, right?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah, let's go.

DM Murph: You guys all did really well, so everybody sneaks around the corner of this excavation site where it gets a little deeper into the cave and you see-

Moonshine: We're doing another one of our pop out the heads around the corner.

DM Murph: Pop out the heads around the corner. Beautiful. Ol' Cobb's there, too.

Hardwon: Ol' Cobb's on top now. Just before Paw Paw.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb climbs up on top of Paw Paw. Paw Paw is upset.

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Reeer. Reer reer reer." You guys see twelve goat men with little tiny horns. They are eating the heart of another goat man who is laying on the ground, chest open. And you see two of them are just, Lady and The Tramp style, just like making out while they eat a heart. And the other guys are just pulling at the entrails and like eating it and rubbing it on themselves and just loving the blood and loving the guts. [Ecstatic braying moans]

Moonshine: This is some like-

DM Murph: [moans louder]

Moonshine: "This is some of the least hospitable shit I have ever seen."

Hardwon: "Yeah, I can't believe I thought this was gonna be an orgy."

Moonshine: Alright, we got twelve of them? "Is it crazy I just kinda wanna go after them?"

Hardwon: "Fuck yeah."

Beverly: "I don't think they're gonna listen to reason."

Moonshine: "No, I don't wanna reason with them."

Hardwon: "You wanna just kill these guys rather than sneak past 'em?"

Moonshine: "That's insane. Yeah, you're right. Let's just sneak past 'em. This isn't my fight. I just-"

Hardwon: "I wasn't saying it ‘cause I thought it was insane."

Moonshine: "There's part of me that's like this is...indecent."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "This is a death that no one deserves."

DM Murph: "This ain't right."

Beverly: "It's true. Yeah, like-" Can I do a religion check? Do I know what they're up to?

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: Would I be able to Speak With Animals on a goat man?

DM Murph: No, they're humanoids.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: That's a 1.

DM Murph: I mean, they might speak Common.

Hardwon: But you are arguably Lucky.

DM Murph: Yeah, you're Lucky in theory.

[laughter]

Beverly: [rolls dice]....

Moonshine: Ugh! It's always 1 to a 3.

Beverly: Dammit!

Hardwon: How many times has this happened?

Beverly: A lot.

DM Murph: You really have no idea. You wouldn't know these weird subterranean creatures.

Beverly: I look for-

Moonshine: "I'm kinda wonderin' if this is some- this seems like some kind of sick religious ritual. Or are they overtaken by some sort of demonic presence. Either could be true."

Hardwon: "That's true. But I do know one thing. I'd hate to meet my mother without some goat blood on my axe."

[laughter]

Hardwon: "Let's kill these fucking losers!"

Moonshine: "I don't know, what do you think, Bev? I-"

Beverly: What's the- I was wondering if we could cause a cave in and, like-

Moonshine: I've got Earth Tremor.

DM Murph: You can certainly try to do that.

Beverly: Ohhh. Do you wanna try and like lock them in here?

Moonshine: Yeah, could I try to do something like that? Could I use Earth Tremor-

DM Murph: Sure. Go for it. Make an attack roll. I'll say if you succeed wildly you could possibly make some rocks fall. It's gonna be tough to like do a perfect cave in.

Hardwon: Sweet, can I also use my pickaxe? I'm a pro.

DM Murph: Yeah, so you guys are gonna try to just like attack the wall before they notice you? Okay. Does that normally- is it normally a spell attack? What is it?

Moonshine: No, it's usually a saving throw.

DM Murph: Okay. You're catching them flat-hooved so I'll have them roll at disadvantage. Okay. They're certainly gonna fall over and stuff and some rocks will probably fall. I'm also gonna say from now on on the podcast I'm instituting something called the Cleave Rule, which is in the DM’s guide, to make going through minions and stuff faster, because sometimes our combat becomes a little bit of a slog. The Cleave Rule is, if you do enough damage to kill somebody, you can keep swinging and do damage to another guy. So you get to swing through people, essentially.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: So from now on you'll be able to swing through people. These guys have failed their checks, so do your damage, Moonshine.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: So, Moonshine does this earthquake and suddenly the whole place starts trembling. The cave starts trembling.

Moonshine: Ohhh, that's so sad. That's gonna be 1.

DM Murph: 1 damage. Yeah. These guys, you see a couple of them are, like-

Moonshine: But they're all falling prone though.

DM Murph: All of them fall prone, right. So you see as these guys are having this weird ritual where they're just rubbing blood all over their really muscular chests and like dancing around-

Hardwon: Glad they have muscular chests, though.

DM Murph: Suddenly the earth starts to shake and you see some rocks start to fall down. These guys go, "Ahhh. Ahhh!" They fall over. Everybody roll initiative.

Beverly: Alrighty.

Hardwon: Cool.... 9.

Beverly: [sing song] 5

Moonshine: 7. Well, you know. I feel like we loosened them up, you know. They're in difficult terrain and they're all on their asses now.

Hardwon: Oh yeah.

DM Murph: That is Ol' Cobb who's first. So as Moonshine does this earthquake and knocks them all over, he goes, "You set 'em up, I'll knock 'em down. Or I guess you knock 'em down, I'll shoot 'em in the face with my fuckin' gun."

[laughter]

DM Murph: And he’s gonna shoot with advantage on one of them. And he's going to hit for...9 damage. He just blows one of their chests open and it dies. He takes a second shot at another guy...and he crits.

Hardwon: That's classic Cobb, baby.

DM Murph: And he blows that dude’s head off. Two of them are dead.

Harwon: Wow!

Moonshine: Oooh!

DM Murph: That is their turn. On their turn they hop up and go, [in a braying goat voice] "Why did you stop our blood orgyyyyy?"

Hardwon: "So it was an orgy."

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora."

DM Murph: "Well not, I mean. We were just-"

Moonshine: "What god do you serve?"

DM Murph: "We were just makin' out and stuff. It's a pretty uh, you know, like a first base orgy."

Hardwon: "You eat someone's heart out for first base?"

DM Murph: "Yeahhhh. You know. We have standards."

Hardwon: "And I thought my ex was bad."

DM Murph: So ten of them. Three of them will go after each of you guys and one of them will go after Ol' Cobb. So let's roll for all three against Hardwon. They...all miss. Moonshine. First guy is probably gonna hit. That's a 17 to hit.

Moonshine: That hits.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: That's gonna hit.

DM Murph: They have swords. They are going to-

Moonshine: Oh, they have swords?

DM Murph: Yeah. They’ve got rusty disgusting longswords that they clearly stole from the dwarven ruins.

Beverly: I can't get tetanus because of my pact with Pelor. That's actually true.

Moonshine: That's instead of immunizations, you just-

DM Murph: So he only does 2 damage to you, Moonshine. Third guy's gonna take a swing and crits for... 16 damage.

Moonshine: Okay. 16.

Hardwon: She's getting fucked up by goats.

DM Murph: And then three guys are gonna go after Bev. Two guys miss. Third guy crits. 12 damage to you.

Beverly: 12 damage? Okay.

DM Murph: And then one guy's gonna go after Ol' Cobb and misses Ol' Cobb. That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Nice. I'm swinging-

DM Murph: So you've got ten of these guys.

Hardwon: Great. I'm gonna swing my greataxe at one of the guys that's attacking me.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: That is a 21.

DM Murph: 21. That super hits.

Hardwon: Cool. And that is a 12.

DM Murph: 12 damage. Cool. Not only do you cut one in half, you start to slash into the other one.

Hardwon: Great. I've got like a helicopter swing with my axe.

DM Murph: Yep.

Hardwon: Cool. And my second attack is...damn, I don't think I'm gonna hit. That's a 13?

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: Wow, these guys suck.

DM Murph: These are just shirtless goat people.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: How tall are they?

DM Murph: Six feet tall.

Beverly: Oh! Okay.

Hardwon: I'm definitely gonna kill this guy cause I just did 18 damage on him.

DM Murph: Oh, he's gone for- Oh, dude, you kill him and the guy next to him. You just-

Hardwon: Wow. So I just helicopter swing my axe through all three of them?

Moonshine: Whoaaaaa.

DM Murph: You cut through- you cut through that guy and you cut through the guy next to him. That is... Bev. No, Moonshine.

Moonshine: Ohhhhh, Melora. I wanna help but, you know what, I think I'm gonna have to cure myself. I'm at 11.

Beverly: Oh geez.

Moonshine: And they're gonna- I'm probably gonna get hit next-

Beverly: Do you wanna take the amulet?

Moonshine: Oh, that's a bonus action, right?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Okay, I am going to-

DM Murph: Do you wanna use your amulet? Oh yeah, you can do that between short rests. Right.

Moonshine: It's a bonus action.

Beverly: Right.

Moonshine: Then, you know what, I'm gonna turn to the guy who just hit me and I'm gonna say, "I think you're gonna wanna put that thing down," about his sword.

DM Murph: "Nooo, I love dying. We're weird and fucked up."

Moonshine: "Okay, I mean that's not why I was referencing it," but then I'll Heat Metal on his sword.

DM Murph: Oh, okay.

Moonshine: 13 damage!

DM Murph: He- yeah, he dies.

Hardwon: His sword is so hot that he's dead.

DM Murph: The sword is so hot that he dies, yes.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: His arm explodes in a heat explosion and he writhes to the ground humping the air.

Moonshine: [laughter] And I look to whoever I saw him kissing and I say, "Looks like you need a new partner." And then I blow a kiss of spores at him.

DM Murph: He gets poisoned a little bit, and he looks fucked up but he's not dead. And he goes, "I love poison."

Hardwon: "These guys love dying."

DM Murph: "I love poison and dying."

Moonshine: "I almost feel like maybe we should keep 'em alive. I think we should keep one alive as an intel."

Hardwon: "That'll torture 'em. Yeah."

Beverly: "Alright. That's smart."

Moonshine: That's my bonus action so never mind. That's it.

DM Murph: Cool. Bev, you're up.

Beverly: Okay. I unsheathe my sword and run toward the nearest one and I wanna, you know, stab him but try and run him up against a wall.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Okay... that's a 16 plus 8.

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: So yeah. Great... that's 11 damage.

DM Murph: Okay. He is dead.

Beverly: Oh, he's dead. [laughter] Can I- alright, fine.

Hardwon: You wanted to ask him something.

Beverly: I wanted to ask him something...

DM Murph: Do it anyway to the dead body.

Beverly: Alright. Yeah, I see that he's dead and I grab him and scream, "What does first base mean?!"

[laughter]

Beverly: And then I-

DM Murph: "Haaa, we goat men french all the tiiiiiime."

Beverly: "Okay, cool!" and then I use my second attack to target another goat.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: That's gonna be a 14 plus 8 so that probably hits?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: And then I roll damage for them. That's gonna be a 13?

DM Murph: 13. Yeah, he's dead.

Beverly: And as I'm slashing at him I say, "Then what's second base?"

DM Murph: [laughter] You cut through him and it goes through the one that Moonshine Spored. You kill two of them and there are three left.

Hardwon: Damn!

Beverly: [desperately] "Somebody answer me!"

DM Murph: "We've never actually been to second baaaase."

Beverly: "Oh my gosh. I feel a kindredness with you."

DM Murph: "Do you love blood and dying?"

Beverly: "No- well-"

Hardwon: "You guys aren't on the same team then."

Beverly: "Okay. False start."

DM Murph: That is Ol' Cobb who, without a second thought, just shoots them. And he's gonna miss. He misses with his first shot. Bang! It just echoes through the cave so loud, some rocks fall down. Just carelessly shooting a blunderbuss. Into a cave.

Hardwon: "You're still awesome, Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Heyyy. I'm trying my best, you know. " And he rolls a 1! He just blasts again, and a rock falls on his head. "Ow."

Hardwon: "Alright, Ol' Cobb. You done damn good."

DM Murph: "Alright. I think I might be a little drunk. I was at a tavern when y'all called me."

Moonshine: [lovingly] "Yeah, when are you not, though?"

DM Murph: "Yeah, you know what-"

Hardwon: "That's classic Cobb."

DM Murph: "That's classic Cobb for ya." Alright. That is... the three goat men, who are gonna launch forward at, I guess, Hardwon, why not? Hardwon has 16 AC. We made a mistake last week, you don't have 18 AC. These guys are gonna swing at you. First guy misses, second guy still misses and third guy actually hits for... 2 damage. These guys are not good at fighting.

Hardwon: "Ow."

DM Murph: They're good at dying, not good at fighting. That is actually you, Hardwon, you've got three goat men all around you, swinging at you.

Hardwon: Great. I'm gonna just, like, stare down the one that just hit me for 2 damage, and-

DM Murph: He tries to make out with you.

Hardwon: Alright. I am swinging my hand axe-

DM Murph: [as goat man] "Do you want to kiss?"

Hardwon: "I'll kiss you when you're dead."

DM Murph: "Alright."

Hardwon: I did roll a 3... oh wait, 12, does that hit?

DM Murph: That does hit.

Hardwon: Jesus Christ.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: That's a 12.

DM Murph: Yeah, you cut through the one guy, he's dead, and you do 1 damage to the next guy, and he is pretty fucked up but still alive.

Beverly: So there's two left?

DM Murph: Two left.

Hardwon: Okay. There's two left. Is it worth grappling one and trying to ask anything about the cave?

Moonshine: Yeah. I think we should.

Beverly: Yeah. I'm always in favor of that.

Hardwon: Alright, cool. I'm gonna kill one, knowing that you guys -

DM Murph: But not cleave through ‘em. Cool, go for it.

Hardwon: Yeah... that one hits.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: And that is a... an 11.

DM Murph: Finish him. He says to you, "Kill me! Oh, it'll be awesome! I can't wait to go to hell."

Hardwon: I kiss his friend and I say, "I can't wait to send you there!" and I chop off his head.

DM Murph: "This is awesoooome!"

Hardwon: So hot.

DM Murph: [guttural gargling sounds] He gargles when he dies.

Moonshine: So there's only one left, right?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: So there's one left, making out with Hardwon. He -

Hardwon: No, I was kissing the head - I was kissing his friend's head.

DM Murph: Oh, just like a cheek kiss.

Hardwon: Yeah yeah.

DM Murph: Oh okay.

Hardwon: It was a deep tongue actually.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: No, it was a cheek kiss.

DM Murph: [as a goat man] "This is actually first base for the goat men. See, we move really slowly sexually, but we like to do fucked up blood stuff."

Hardwon: "God, you guys are weird."

Beverly: "Why would you wanna die before getting to second base?!"

DM Murph: "Well, second base for goat men is kissing without tongue."

Hardwon: "So I guess death is better than that."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "What? What, no. We do that. I mean, I've been to third base. That's making out with, you know, touching tongues a little bit."

Hardwon: "Do you ever fuck anything?"

DM Murph: "I've never- I've never tried."

Hardwon: "Moonshine, kill him."

Beverly: "Wait!"

DM Murph: "I dunno, we're kind of awkward. We're goats."

Moonshine: Yeah, I think that I'd like to ready an action, or- are we in combat still?

DM Murph: I mean, yeah, technically. He can't really do anything to you guys.

Moonshine: I want all of us to-

Hardwon: It took one goat-

DM Murph: If someone wants to grapple him-

Moonshine: I want all of us to grapple him, is what I’m saying.

DM Murph: Okay. So you guys grapple him. He is so doomed. He can't even do anything.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: Is he horny ‘cause we grappled him?

DM Murph: "I'm horny for kisses."

Moonshine: "Yeah, we get it. Okay. Goat man. Who's your fuckin' leader? What's the deal with these caves? Who do you report to? Have you always been like this? Have you always been... having blood orgies?"

DM Murph: "I think a long time ago we were cursed and maybe were regular people but to me I'm normal. This is normal. I'm a goat."

Moonshine: "Okay."

DM Murph: "I'm a goat man."

Moonshine: "Right. Okay, is there someone more powerful than you in these caves?"

DM Murph: "Tharizdun is everywhere. He is our god. We eat each other and dance in blood and kiiiiss."

Moonshine: "Okay, okay, okay. I just need one piece of information from you. Is there anyone in this cave who is more powerful than you? And who are they?"

DM Murph: "Uhhhhh, there's the lady that they took."

Beverly: "They took her?"

All, overlapping: "Who took the lady?"

DM Murph: "Last night some guys came, they had weird shiny clothes-"

Moonshine: Oh my god.

DM Murph: "-and they came and they grabbed the lady who's here and she's mean. She cut- well, she's nice because we like dying."

Moonshine: "Where did they take her?"

DM Murph: "Out of the tunnels."

Hardwon: "Fuck that's my- dangit- friend, The Widow."

Beverly: "Oh geez."

Moonshine: "Okay, then y'all, can we just fucking kill this guy?"

Hardwon: "Oh yeah."

DM Murph: [as goatman] "You can say it in front of me, I'm okay."

Hardwon: Do you wanna kiss him?

Beverly: Yeah, let's all kiss him.

Moonshine: Yeah, let's all kiss him.

Hardwon: "We’ll all kiss him, but Moonshine poisons him.

Moonshine: Yeah yeah yeah.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: "Ol' Cobb, this is very standard."

Beverly: "Ol' Cobb, get in here!"

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Oh, you know what, I'm more of a vanilla guy, but I suppose I could kiss a goat man."

Beverly: "I'm going to first base, hurray!"

DM Murph: Everybody kisses the goat and he dies.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: And he tastes like salami that has been left out for a long time.

Hardwon: "Alright. Well, we're done fucked, everybody. They took The Widow. The Chosen took The Widow."

Moonshine: "I mean, we are not here for The Widow. And also she could have just killed herself."

Beverly: "Yeah, that's true, but they might have taken her to the dungeon as well."

Moonshine: "Oh, so we might find her in the dungeon anyway?"

Hardwon: "Yeah, we've gotta just keep on going to the dungeon."

Beverly: "It's true. She's kind of-"

Moonshine: "Yeah, I think we gotta keep going forward."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Beverly: “Hardwon, is that okay with you?"

Hardwon: "Oh yeah, yeah. Definitely."

Beverly: "Alright."

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "Just keep on plowing forward then."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: "We'll find her, I promise."

Hardwon: "Let's go."

Moonshine: "Oh Melora, that was-"

DM Murph: "Hey Hardwon, I know- I was trying to track her down to kill her before, but now I'm tracking her down to save her, so, no matter what I'm gonna find her. Whether I kill her or not, ya know, that's kinda besides the point, right?"

Hardwon: "You're the coolest guy alive, Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Heyyyyyyyy."

Moonshine: Moonshine vomits in the corner ‘cause of what she just saw.

DM Murph: Wait, the goats?

Moonshine: Those goats really fucking, like, disgusted her. It was because it was the most inhospitable thing she's ever seen.

DM Murph: [laughs] Not out of, like-

Moonshine: She's not afraid of death, but she is afraid-

Hardwon: Of inhospitality.

Moonshine: Yeah. So she's just retching in the corner.

Hardwon: So they probably have my mom, and they have Bev's dad in the jail.

Beverly: Yeah. It's on, fam.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: I do take a goat tooth...

DM Murph: You have a goat tooth now.

Beverly: Yeah yeah yeah.

DM Murph: So we gotta just keep on going through this cave. Should we- can we rest? Can we take a short rest?

Moonshine: Can we take a short rest?

DM Murph: How-

Hardwon: My health is actually fine.

DM Murph: Yeah, what are you-

Moonshine: I'm at 11 health wise. I guess I'm gonna look at the amulet and use that right now.

DM Murph: Oh yeah. Okay.

Beverly: Did you not use that before?

Moonshine: No, I didn't.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Yeah, do that.

Moonshine: So I use my hit die?

DM Murph: You can also take a short rest and not use all five of your hit die, you can just use a couple of them, or one of them.

Hardwon: So a lot of time won't go by.

DM Murph: So you guys have- you guys are level five. To take a short rest it's like an hour or two out of combat. So the idea is, you guys are just taking a breather, a day's not passing or anything like that. If you guys take a short rest, you guys have five hit dice to use throughout the day. So you can say ‘I'm taking a short rest right now, I'm gonna use two.’

Hardwon: I see.

DM Murph: ‘I'm taking a short rest right now, I'm gonna use my other three.’ You don't have to use all five right off the bat.

Moonshine: Okay,

Beverly: Yeah, catch your breath.

DM Murph: So if you guys wanna take a moment, catch your breath, and get a few hit dice back, you can absolutely do that.

Hardwon: Cool.

Moonshine: So I'm not at max, but I'm at 35, I feel fine with that.

Beverly: Okay. So you rolled three hit dice?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Alright, cool.

Hardwon: Alright. I use two.

DM Murph: Great.

Hardwon: I'm back up to 55.

Beverly: Oh, I'm at full. Great.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb's fine.

Hardwon: Good for Ol' Cobb.

DM Murph: “Yeah, I just hit my shoulder back there, but I'll be alright.”

Beverly: Alright. Beverly's getting pretty anxious.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Yeah, let's do it.

Beverly: "I say we plunge ahead. Time's a-wasting."

Hardwon: "Let's go."

Moonshine: "Let's do it."

DM Murph: You guys keep going up. You guys don't really hear anything, except, you do hear some distant goat sounds again. You hear the [braying moans].

Hardwon: "Let's leave them be."

Moonshine: I vomit.

[laughter]

Hardwon: They're killing themselves. So that's fine.

Moonshine: I retch. [weakly, pained] "Ugh, inhospitality."

DM Murph: You guys find another excavation site.

Hardwon: "Let's peak in."

Moonshine: Yeah, I'll stealth in and peek in.

DM Murph: Moonshine, sneak in and give me an investigation check.

Moonshine: .... A nat 1.

DM Murph: Nat 1.

Hardwon: How- we got so many 1s this game.

DM Murph: You go in, and this just looks like an empty excavation site.

Hardwon: Can I peek in with my night vision goggles?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can go walk around. You'll have to walk in as well though.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: Cool. Go for it.

Hardwon: ... God damn it. I got a 5.

DM Murph: You look around. Just looks like an excavation site.

Beverly: I'll take a turn!

DM Murph: Go for it.

Beverly: Alright.

Hardwon: Someone's gotta roll for Paw Paw, too. The only one that ever sees anything.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: That's a... hm... investigation... Oh, that's a 4!

DM Murph: Okay. Bev, everything looks in order here.

Moonshine: Can I roll for Paw Paw?

DM Murph: You can roll for Paw Paw.

Beverly: Everything looks hunky dory!

Moonshine: He only got an 8 though.

DM Murph: He got an 8.

Hardwon: But what's his modifier?

Moonshine: 0, I'm guessing.

DM Murph: Cool. Yeah, you guys look around this excavation site. There's really nothing going on here.

Moonshine: I mean, we're not going deep. We need to go up.

Hardwon: Yeah, so let's keep walking up the tunnel.

DM Murph: Just go back up the tunnel?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. You guys leave and start walking back up the tunnels. Everybody give me a perception check.

Hardwon: Not very perceptive. 8.

Moonshine: 19!

DM Murph: 19.

Hardwon: Thank God! Someone had to see something.

Beverly: I got a- yeah.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you hear a mine cart rolling.

Moonshine: Okay, then let's-

DM Murph: What do you tell these guys?

Moonshine: I say, "Everyone hide. We gotta see who's rolling through here."

Hardwon: I push up into the tunnel.

DM Murph: Everybody- with advantage since Moonshine warned you guys- everybody roll a dexterity saving throw.

Beverly: ... Rerolling my 1!

DM Murph: Ha!

Moonshine: 16.

DM Murph: 16. Okay.

Hardwon: 12.

Beverly: Y'all.... fuckin', y'all... I rerolled my 1 ‘cause I'm Lucky and your Lucky Bev boy got a number 2!

Hardwon: That's insane.

Beverly: So I just wanna give a quick shoutout to the band of- the two crew or whatever the fuck you call them.

Hardwon: A quick ‘fuck you’ to the two crew!

Beverly: And I guess I'll just- and then Beverly just stands in the middle of the railroad track-

Hardwon: And prostrates himself.

Beverly: And prostr- [breaks down laughing]

[Laughter]

DM Murph: So, you guys have walked down the tunnel a little bit, kind of away from the excavation sites. So, Moonshine, as you say that, you guys all turn tail and start running. Ol' Cobb and Moonshine get ahead and jump out of the way into one of these cave inlets to get out of the way. But, Hardwon and Bev, you guys turn to look behind you. You see a larger goat man with big ram horns and five dudes in a cart with him, and he's got his head and his horns out in front of the cart. And he rams into you guys for 15 damage, and you guys are prone, trapped under the mine cart right now. Everybody roll initiative.

Moonshine: Wait, so just to be clear, when you say five guys, is it five goatmen or like-?

DM Murph: Five of the smaller goatmen that you saw and one bigger goat man.

Moonshine: Okay. I wasn't sure if it was five people who were just using a-

Beverly: "Oh my gosh, I think that guy's been to third base!"

Hardwon: I rolled a 6 for initiative.

Moonshine: 13.

Beverly: 19.

Moonshine: Oooh, young Bev!

Beverly: A good roll!

Moonshine: Front in line!

Hardwon: I did roll a 2, so.

DM Murph: Bev, it is your turn. You and Hardwon are being pinned under it. There's this big goat man menacingly looking down at you and a bunch of goat men in it with you. Roll a strength check to get out or-

Beverly: Okay. I'm just saying if Hardwon's pinned under it, wouldn't he be, like, fulcruming it so that I'm able to get myself free?

DM Murph: Oh. Yeah, I say that's fair.

Beverly: Yeah. Okay. So can I free myself?

DM Murph: Yeah, go ahead and free yourself.

Hardwon: Nice. My size is Bev's advantage.

DM Murph: Yeah, I'm gonna say you-

Moonshine: Hardwon Surefoot. Bastard of the Mountain. Fulcrum.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: Fulcrum!

DM Murph: Yeah, you're essentially just getting out from prone, so you can use half of your movement to stand up.

Beverly: Okay, cool.

DM Murph: Cool. You got this minecart full of dudes.

Beverly: Alright, I'm up. I'm up!

DM Murph: The big boy or the little guys?

Beverly: Hmm..

DM Murph: [as an extra bleety goat man] "IIII'm a big boooy."

Moonshine: Oh my god, I hate- I mean, Oh Melora, I hate these guys.

Beverly: I scream this guy fucks, but not in a cool way. "This guy fucks!" Yeah, I'm gonna try and cleave the four behind him.

DM Murph: Oh, dope. Go for it.

Hardwon: Get rid of the minions first.

DM Murph: [crying with laughter] I love it, you try to just cleave through ‘em. Cleave is awesome.

Hardwon: Yes.

DM Murph: I wanted this episode to be a bloodbath.

Beverly: Oooh, that's a 19 plus 8.

Moonshine: Oooh!

DM Murph: Super hits, believe it or not.

Moonshine: I think Bev-

DM Murph: On these shirtless goat men.

Moonshine: I think Bev just turned the faucet on on your blood bath.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: This is Diablo One, is what this is. You guys are in the labyrinth, fighting goatmen. Killing them. Wanton [mispronounced as ‘wonton’] destruction.

Beverly: Wanton? [pronounced correctly]

DM Murph: Wanton. Wanton destruction?

Beverly: Wanton destruction.

Moonshine: Wonton destruction.

Hardwon: Wonton.

Beverly: Wonton destruction. It's crispy and delicious.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Here we go.

Moonshine: Deep fried and stuffed with feels.

Beverly: Alright, that's 14.

DM Murph: On the first swing?

Beverly: Yep.

DM Murph: Yep, that kills one guy, you slash through one guy, he fucking falls apart like he's made of paper, like he's a goat piñata, and you slash into the other guy and cut him pretty deep.

Beverly: Alright.

DM Murph: "Ohhh, that cuts me deep and I like iiit."

Hardwon: [singing] The first cut is the deepest...

Beverly: I ask each of them which base they get to before they die.

DM Murph: "Thiiird base in goat is kissing with a little tongue."

Beverly: "Wow! Alright!"

Moonshine: "What's your baseball diamond have, like 17 bases?" I didn't say that though, I'm hiding.

Beverly: I'm just gonna swing again.

DM Murph: Cool, go for it.

Beverly: Oooh, that's a 3... plus 8.

DM Murph: You rolled an 11 to hit?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: That actually does not hit.

Beverly: Oh no!!!

DM Murph: One of the goats puts up their sword goes, "I don't know why I'm stopping you if we like to die but, not right now, buddy."

Beverly: "You wanna die on your own terms, I understand.”

DM Murph: "Yep." So this big guy gets out of the cart, and he's gonna attack with advantage on Hardwon. And he's going to bite you for... 8 damage, and then he takes a second attack to ram you with his head with advantage... and he hits. And he is going to hit you for... 10. 10 damage.

Hardwon: Damn. Never thought I’d get my ass kicked by a goat.

DM Murph: And that is Ol' Cobb.

Hardwon: "Fire up that blunderbuss, Ol' Cobb!"

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb takes a shot at the big guy. "I'm going for your big buddy here, then." ... And he's gonna hit. That is 6 damage on the first shot from Ol' Cobb. He hits again. That is... 16 damage total from Ol' Cobb.

Hardwon: Nice!

DM Murph: And this dude- you see the blunderbuss just blow this dude's shoulder off, and one of his arms is just hanging by a thread and he doesn't care.

Beverly: "Good job, Cobb!"

DM Murph: "Thiis is normal to meeee."

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora, I hate these guys."

DM Murph: He's still alive.

Hardwon: They make me very uneasy.

Moonshine: Yeah, they really make me uncomfortable.

DM Murph: [Evil chuckle]

Beverly: "Pelor has a big- there's a big chapter in the book of Pelor about kissing, and they have done everything wrong!"

DM Murph: So these four goat guys are gonna take swings at Beverly who's next to the cart.

Hardwon: Wait, are there still four of them?

DM Murph: Yeah, ‘cause he missed on the second attack.

Hardwon: Oh, wow.

Beverly: Oh there's four- there were five originally.

DM Murph: There were five originally. You cut through one and you hurt another one, right?

Beverly: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. So the first guy's actually gonna hit. He just rolled a 19. So he gets 5 damage. Second guy rolls, and he rolls a 1. He messes up big time. Third guy misses and fourth guy misses. Moonshine, you're up.

Moonshine: Okay, so Moonshine steps out of the shadows with her head down so you can't see her eyes, and she says, "Let's have some fun-gus."

[Laughter]

Moonshine: And she looks up and you can see like psychedelic mushroom colors swirling in her eyes, and I Shillelagh my staff and then transform into a Fungus Queen.

Beverly: Fungus Queeeen!

Hardwon: All hail.

DM Murph: The Fungus Queen is here.

Moonshine: And then I Spores.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: Who's the guy that Bev hurt?

DM Murph: Just one of the goats that's in the cart. You can absolutely kill him with Spores.

Moonshine: [kiss smacking]

DM Murph: Spore kiss?

Moonshine: Spore kiss.

Hardwon: Now that's first base.

DM Murph: He loves it.

Moonshine: I blow him a kiss.

DM Murph: "It's third baaase here."

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora."

Beverly: "This is not right!"

DM Murph: "I hit a triple! And I'm dead."

Moonshine: [under her breath] "Ooh, I hate 'em, I hate them!"

Beverly: "This is not the diamond that Pelor laid out!"

DM Murph: And that is Hardwon. You are pinned. You need to succeed on a strength check as an action to get out.

Hardwon: Okay. I'm gonna try to flip this cart over.... 24.

DM Murph: 24. You-

Hardwon: I rolled a 19, yeah.

DM Murph: Cool, you bench it off of you with all these goat men in, it's pretty dope, and you're able to pop back up.

Hardwon: Do I get a bonus action or anything?

DM Murph: You do get a bonus action, but that's not an attack.

Hardwon: Very nice. So I can't attack anything?

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: Then I guess I just flip off the big goat man.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: "Wow, ruuude. We don't cuss."

Hardwon: "Oh, really?"

DM Murph: "Us goats don't cuss."

Hardwon: "I'm glad you have some high standards for yourselves.

Moonshine: "Blood orgies a-okay, but-"

DM Murph: "I mean, we'll eat hearts and kiss but, no thaaanks."

Hardwon: "Right. Don't say fuck you. Fuck you, man."

DM Murph: "Excuse you. Excuse you."

Moonshine: At least we finally know how to offend them. Because killing them wasn't working.

Hardwon: That's right.

DM Murph: So Bev, you go again.

Beverly: Okay, cool. Am I in the cart currently?

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: Alright, cool, then I'm just gonna get a little dizzy. I'm just gonna spin around.

DM Murph: Spin around with your sword. Try to slice 'em up. There's three guys left.

Hardwon: Tornado, baby!

Moonshine: You're like a little salad chopper. Like that-

Hardwon: A blender.

Moonshine: Yeah, you're like a blender!

[Laughter]

Hardwon: A Blenderly.

Beverly: Beverly's on frappe!

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Make a goat smoothie with 'em, young Beverly."

Hardwon: Mmm. Do you like your smoothies with goat milk?

[Laughter]

Beverly: 6 plus 8, what is that? 14?

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Is that 14?

DM Murph: 14. Do damage.

Beverly: Alright, cool.... that's a-

Moonshine: Wait, reroll!

Beverly: Wait, do I get to reroll on damage?

DM Murph: Not damage. No.

Moonshine: Don't reroll!

Beverly: That's gonna be 8 damage.

DM Murph: 8 damage?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You don't kill one.You really hurt him though.

Beverly: Oh no! I'll do another attack then.

DM Murph: Okay, do it up.

Hardwon: There we go.

DM Murph: Your goal here is to kill this guy and kill the guy next to him.

Hardwon: Come on Blenderly!

Beverly: ... Ooh... that's a.. 15?

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Cool.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: And that's gonna be 13.

DM Murph: You do. You kill two guys.

Beverly: Woo!

Moonshine: Woo!

Hardwon: Great.

DM Murph: So there's one little goat guy left. One little goat freshman and one goat senior. [bleating] "Seeniiiiors. Seniors rule!"

Hardwon: Senior goat.

Moonshine: Oh Melora.

DM Murph: [chuckles] She hates them so much.

Moonshine: I hate these bleats.

DM Murph: That is the big goat.

Moonshine: No decorum.

DM Murph: Who I guess will take a crack at Hardwon. First with his bite. And he misses with a nat 1-

Hardwon: Give him my other finger.

DM Murph: -and he tries to ram him with his horns. Two 1s in a row. He fucking falls down.

Hardwon: Great.

DM Murph: He tries to ram you-

Hardwon: Can I grab him by the horns?

DM Murph: Yes. You absolutely can.

Beverly: Hell yeah!

Hardwon: I'm holding this motherfucker by the horns now.

DM Murph: You have grabbed life by the horns.

Hardwon: I've grabbed death by the horns.

DM Murph: That is the other goat. There is one left and he is going to attack Beverly. "You killed my friends! I like you. Now I'm gonna kill you and eat your heart."

Beverly: "That tracks."

DM Murph: And he misses. He whiffs big time. That is... Ol' Cobb. Ol' Cobb-

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, get in there. You teach these-"

DM Murph: He's just gonna shoot. Ol' Cobb is gonna shoot at one of the little guys.

Moonshine: "Teach 'em some manners."

Beverly: "Goat season!"

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb rolls a 1.

Beverly and Hardwon: Oh.

DM Murph: He just blasts- you see rocks just fall from the tunnel.

Hardwon: "He's not good up close."

DM Murph: "I might cause a cave-in here. That's not good. It's not good." He shoots again. He does hit that time, and he'll hopefully kill this guy. He does. So he blasts this other goat in the chest. Just opens him up and he flips out of the cart. Bev you are in this disgusting goat man carcass cart.

Hardwon: Carcass cart.

DM Murph: You're in a carcass cart.

Moonshine: Carcass cart!

DM Murph: That is... Moonshine.

Moonshine: Alright. Time for Mushroom Queen.

DM Murph: Just the big goat left.

Moonshine: Alright. That's who I wanted anyway so I'm gonna attack him.

DM Murph: Okay. Cool.

Hardwon: We saved you the big guy.

Moonshine: That's definitely gonna hit. 18 to hit?

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: Alright. Now that's gonna be... 6 plus 2 is 8, but I get to add d6 of poison damage.

DM Murph: Ooh...

Beverly: Yeah!

Moonshine: It's a 1 so... It's gonna be 9.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: It's a fun 1.

Moonshine: And then I'm gonna hock a little loogie at him. Hock a loogie of Spores- 6-

DM Murph: Finish him.

Moonshine: Oh, okay! I get to finish him?

DM Murph: Yeah. Hardwon's got him by the horns.

Moonshine: You know what, I'm just gonna take him and twist his body so that his neck snaps, like, while Hardwon is-

DM Murph: You just pull off his goat head?

Moonshine: Yeah. So Hardwon is just holding a goat head.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: I lift it up.

DM Murph: You guys are, like, tag-team opening a Coke bottle.

Moonshine: Yeah.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Yeah, you have a goat head in your hands. He dies.

Moonshine: No, Hardwon does.

DM Murph: You crack him open like an ice cold Corona.

Moonshine: And then I'm just gonna throw his damn corpse on the floor and say, "This place needs a welcome mat. There ain't no hospitality, so here is a welcome mat."

Hardwon: I'm gonna drop kick his head down the rest of the shaft.

DM Murph: [Laughs] You just hear it echo. [Sounds of head bouncing down the shaft]

Beverly: "I really need to know what their bible is like."

Moonshine: "Of all the things we have seen, I think this is some of the darkest shit we ever waded in."

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Yeah. This is just downright wacky."

Hardwon: I'm pretty fucked up. I'm gonna roll my other three hit dice I think.

Moonshine: Yeah, you want me to cure you?

DM Murph: Cool, you guys wanna take your short rests? You guys also keep in mind that you can do- you can reset the Thiala amulet thing every short rest, so you can do an amulet then short rest and it’ll be back for-

Hardwon: Oh, nice. So I'll look at the amulet first.

Moonshine: Ohhh. That's a good call. So I'm gonna hit up that amulet.

DM Murph: Yeah look at your amulet then do a short rest so you guys can get your HP back.

Moonshine: I like how all of us are just gathered around the amulet of Pelor. Just being like [puts on deep bro voice] wait, can I look at it?

Hardwon: [joining in the mimicry] Yeah yeah, I believe in Pelor. Let me look at the amulet.

Moonshine: Yeah, let me look at that amulet!

Beverly: Oh, I'm back up to full.

DM Murph: So what are you guys doing? You guys are in this hall now with all these goat bodies.

Hardwon: We gotta keep on walking up this thing.

Moonshine: Yeah, I think so. Keep truckin'.

Beverly: Wait wait wait wait wait! Let's get in the carcass cart.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: "Hardwon, can you push us?"

DM Murph: You guys are going up a hill. Do you wanna-

Beverly: "Push meeee!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, we don't wanna do that. It's also not- like, we probably gotta stealth."

Beverly: "But, if there's a hill there's gonna be another- there's gonna be a downhill. For every hill- for every uphill there's a downhill is what I was trying to say.”

DM Murph: [As Ol' Cobb] "I think when you're climbing a mountain, you generally go up, young Beverly."

Beverly: "Ah, fair enough."

Hardwon: Yeah, just so we-

DM Murph: "We could drag- I'll push you if you want. You're just a little guy."

Beverly: "Push meeeee!"

DM Murph: Alright, yeah. Ol' Cobb pushes Beverly in the cart like he's a little baby going grocery shopping.

Hardwon: Fair enough.

DM Murph: So you guys make your way up the track. You guys go for a while, you pass some more of these excavation sites and stuff, but then you finally get out of the tunnel, and you guys enter a giant cavern. It is this big dome-shaped cave. The ceiling is up several hundred feet, and you see the dwarven city ruins sit in the centre like an island surrounded by dark abyss that's just, like, an endless fall deep into the mountain below.

Hardwon: "Huh, this is Cragstone." Is it Cragstone?

DM Murph: Cragwater.

Hardwon: Cragwater. "This is Cragwater."

DM Murph: There is one long stone bridge from the tunnel that you guys are in to the city ruins in the center. You guys see that the ceiling of the cavern is lowest just over the island in the middle with the city ruins.

Moonshine: Okay, that's gonna have to be where the dungeon is.

Beverly and Hardwon: [hums of agreement]

DM Murph: The highest point of the ruined city is the ruined keep, which is mostly still standing. You guys can see even from here that the first and the second floor appear to still be mostly intact, and there's one tower at the back that stands taller than everything else. You can also see torchlight coming from the castle and torches all around the ruins.

Beverly: "Huh."

DM Murph: ... And that's where we'll end our session.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: No!

Beverly: I think we're gonna have to kill more goats.

Moonshine: I don't know if it's goats.

Hardwon: As long as- It better not be dwarves.

Beverly: Oh no.

Hardwon: Them's my people.

Beverly: Oh man.

Moonshine: Well, we'll save it for the Short Rest.

DM Murph: Who's in the city y'all? Guys-

Moonshine: I've got some speculations, but I'm saving it for the Short Rest.

DM Murph: Yeah guys, if you really want to listen to us talk about the show and listen to the aftershow, it will be available right now on our Patreon.

Beverly: Patreon.com/NADDPod.

DM Murph: Yes!

Beverly: There you go.

DM Murph: Patreon.com/NADDPod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. Don't sing the song yet.

Hardwon: You got it.

DM Murph: Cool guys, Now that it's the end of the show, we're gonna shout out our benevolent council of elders. We appreciate the shit out of these legendary heroes of Bahumia/legendary Patreon subscribers. We’ll plug our twitters. @chmurph is me, @eaxford is Emily, @JakeHurwitz is Jake. @caldy is Caldwell. Guys, please buy me and Emily's book, it is available on Amazon. It is called Hey, U Up?: How to Turn Your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact. It is a satirical relationship advice book. It's also on Audible if you wanna hear the audiobook. Caldwell, we also have some people to thank. We have some people that sent us some goodies.

Hardwon: Very goodies.

Beverly: I have a big scroll full of beautiful names, and I'm gonna read them aloud.

DM Murph: Please read 'em.

Beverly: People have sent us stuff to our PO Box, which is 1920 Hillhurst Avenue, #222 Los Feliz California, 90027. And those people are Matthew Millions who sent us this beautiful stuffed Paw Paw-

Moonshine: With a bandana that says Paw Paw on it, and have I been holding it this entire time?

Hardwon: I was just gonna say. Emily has held it the whole episode. I have photos to prove it.

Moonshine: [Laughter]

Beverly: I think it improved her rolls. Even the bad ones.

Moonshine: I mean, Paw Paw rolled pretty well.

DM Murph: That's very true, yeah.

Beverly: I wanna give a shoutout to James T, who sent us these very fun 3D printed dice jails which have a little 1 on top of them, and we punish our dice when they're bad and they go in the dice jail.

Moonshine: And James T, didn't James T ask, ‘cause he's the one who sent us these other dice, the ones that we all use, and he asked if the three 1s that I rolled were with the purple dice that he sent us, and yes, they were. However, I believe that since then I have synced up and have pretty good energy with my dice now.

Beverly: Exactly.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: Speaking of fancy dice, we got an unknown set of these really cool metallic teal fantasy dice. I don't know who they're from. If you sent them to us please give us a shoutout, hit us up on Twitter-

Hardwon: Make yourself known.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Reveal yourself, coward!

Moonshine: Holy shit, they're so cool.

Beverly: We also got some cool fantasy coins which we used to do a coin flip. Those are from-

Hardwon: Which knocked that dude out.

DM Murph: Yeah, which killed a dude. Killed a knight with 52 HP in a hit.

Moonshine: Thank you for helping us kill.

Beverly: If you want your own fantasy coins you can go to the fantasy coin Kickstarter. Learn more at fantasycoin.com.

Moonshine: They are dope.

DM Murph: They are pretty cool.

Moonshine: It would be great- just throwing this out there because me and Murph had a lightly Lord of the Rings themed wedding, it would have been a freaking awesome wedding gift.

Beverly: Oh, like a favor?

Moonshine: Like a wedding favor to do, like, a dope fantasy coin.

DM Murph: Ahh a few double gold pieces?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Damn.

Beverly: I'm gonna try using them at the grocery store.

DM Murph: Caldwell's been arrested and can't be on the show anymore for-

Beverly: I tried to put them in a Redbox.

Hardwon: Yep. You have to record the show from jail now.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: You think they'd let you do a podcast from jail?

Beverly: Nope. That's a- you know what, hey-

Moonshine: I would definitely listen to a jail podcast.

Hardwon: Same. A jailcast?

Beverly: Join me. That's a Patreon exclusive podcast, check it out. Quick shoutout also to Abby and Jeff who sent some cool Drawfee-centric stuff. Watch Drawfee, by the way.

DM Murph: Yeah. Jake, you got anything to plug?

Hardwon: I don't know if I'm in Europe anymore when this episode comes out.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: But, if I am, come see me in Amsterdam and Dublin.

DM Murph: Go to their website. Check 'em out. Make sure you're up to date on the tour dates so you can see when Jake and Amir are coming to you. Of course, listen to 'If I Were You'.

Hardwon: Thank you guys.

DM Murph: Cool guys, we're gonna record the aftershow now, so go listen to that. It's available right this second. Patreon.com/NADDPod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D, baby.

All: [Singing] We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are...

DM Murph: [singing] We are we are...

Beverly: [singing] Subscribe to our Patreon...

[fades out]