Nemesis

The party attempts to infiltrate the seedy underbelly of Ezry to track down Skullis -- a notorious R. Cane dealer and killer of Stunkbug's brother. Hardwon becomes a prize fighter, Moonshine is hellbent on stealing a little blue hat, Beverly becomes a valet, and Stunkbug comes face to face with his nemesis, who is much different than he remembers. Adam Conover joins us!

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General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: [Intro] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign, this is Not Another DnD Podcast,

DM Murph: Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone! I'm your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz.

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Emily Axford.

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, "Gettin' Cricky with it."

DM Murph: And Caldwell Tanner.

Beverly: "A pleasure as always, it's me Beverly Toegold."`

DM Murph: We're gonna also be joined by Adam Conover in a little bit, but first let's do a little recap on last episode. So, you guys wrapped things up in Moonstone, there was a funeral where you mourned all those lost in the battle against the barbarians and Scoutmaster Denny interrupted that service to announce that Beverly would be graduating -

Hardwon: That's his place to do that.

DM Murph: Graduating to Junior Green Knight pending that he get his Animal Relations Badge. Beverly cast Speak With Animals and spoke with Paw Paw who basically sounded like a methed out Boomhauer and then he got his Green Knight scalemail armour.

Beverly: "Six Leaf, baby!"

DM Murph: Six Leaf, bitch.

Hardwon: Congrats, Bev.

DM Murph: Then the Jamboreen was back on, there was a celebration. You guys graciously gifted the dragon egg to Shae and the other druids so that they could raise the dragon to protect Moonstone.

Moonshine: And then we helped them open it and it was uneventful and then the dragon egg hatched and [laughter] -

Hardwon: There was something else, there was -

DM Murph: Yeah, hold up, hold up. During the ritual to hatch it Moonshine rolled three 1s in a row. That was insane. That's a one in eight thousand chance of that happening?

Hardwon: Something like that.

Beverly: Nobody knows.

DM Murph: Something like that, it's crazy.

Beverly: The best minds can't tell.

Hardwon: It was insane.

DM Murph: But anyway everybody worked together -

Moonshine: "Something ain't so nice about them dice."

Hardwon: It was also partly Matteo's fault.

DM Murph: You guys were able to work together to wrangle the baby dragon and he finally calmed down. You guys said your goodbyes to the people of Moonstone and you left for Galaderon.

Hardwon: Especially Shae, we'll miss her the most.

DM Murph: Goodbye Shae.

Moonshine: [dreamily] Yeah, Shae.

DM Murph: She liked you guys by the end, just so you know.

Beverly: Aw, yeah. I got some good tussles from her.

DM Murph: Yeah. So you guys left for Galaderon, Beverly got a stern note from his father congratulating him for doing an adequate job on becoming a Six Leaf Green Teen.

Moonshine: Such a sad phrase, "a stern congratulations", it just immediately tells you what's up.

Beverly: Needless to say, I was ecstatic.

Hardwon: And I was jealous. "You know who your dad is, man?" [laughter]

DM Murph: The note said to hurry home to Galaderon, so you guys made your way north but along the way you stopped off in Ezry, the magic city and a hub of arcane research. There's an arcane force field bubble around the center of the city where the rich people live, but the outer rim is full of wild magic addicts who are going crazy from a drug called R. Cane. You guys met Adam's character Stunkbug, an orc bounty hunter who was out capturing these wild magic addicts and bringing them to the police barracks within the bubble. Stunkbug brought you guys into the bubble with him -

Moonshine: He's a very fancy orc.

DM Murph: He is orc Frasier.

Beverly: He is orc Frasier.

Hardwon: He had a turtleneck.

DM Murph: Stunkbug got a lead from Captain Oswald the police captain, who let him know that his archenemy Skullis, the drug dealer who killed his brother, would be present at an underground fight ring at a rough-and-tumble bar outside of the bubble. So before leaving you guys stopped by the lab of the arcane scientist, Professor Duttle. He hooked you up with some cool magic items, then you made your way to The Bone & Barrel to try to infiltrate the fight ring and find Skullis. So we're gonna join the party and Adam, as you guys leave the bubble and approach the bar.

Hardwon: Let's do this.

Beverly: There's nothin' better than Ezry.

Hardwon: [Singing] It was good playing with you all [laughter].

DM Murph: So let's pick up from where we left off, you guys had just left Professor Duttle's to head to the fight ring in the basement of The Bone & Barrel tavern which is in the outer rim of the city. So you guys leave the bubble, suddenly things instantly get a little shadier and more dangerous. You keep your heads down trying to be inconspicuous but some ruffians start catcalling you, really going in on Beverly, [As ruffian] "Hey Bubble Boy!"

Beverly: "Hi..."

DM Murph: "You leavin' the bubble, huh?"

Beverly: "That's very uncalled for."

Stunkbug: "Beverly, those men wish to have sex with you, let's keep moving."

DM Murph: "We don't - we don't wanna - we just wanna throw fireballs at him!"

Beverly: "I'll pray for you."

DM Murph: "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

Hardwon: "Yeah Bev they were super horny, better that we get out."

Beverly: I ask -

Stunkbug: "This is why we live inside the bubble."

Beverly: I ask Moonshine if she has any extra clothes or something I could kind of drape over myself?

Moonshine: I quickly do him up like a scullery maid [laughter].

Beverly: "Alright!"

DM Murph: Great. So you guys get to this bar The Bone & Barrel, you enter through a cloud of smoke to a loud, rowdy bar. You see people smoking strange pipes with multi coloured powders in the bowl. One guy takes a puff and immediately his tongue lights on fire and he rushes out of the room. You see a lot of -

Moonshine: Some people can't handle it.

DM Murph: You see a lot of kenkus, that are this raven-like species about the size of halflings, sitting in the booths. You see that there's one wearing an ornate orange robe that seems to be holding court over several others. You see orcs, you see tabaxi (those are like big cat people, these big powerful panther type people).

Beverly: "Aw man, this is just DeviantArt."

Moonshine: Yeah, I wanna see this so bad!

DM Murph: Just some sexy cat people. You guys see that there's also human pirates and stuff, you see shady people of all sorts, and then there's this goblin bartender, he's wearing a little blue hat [laughter] you see all of the waiters -

Hardwon: Nothing's more badass than a little blue hat.

DM Murph: All of the waiters and stuff have these weird little blue hats on.

Moonshine: Oh I gotta swipe one of those.

DM Murph: They're like little derbys.

Stunkbug: [laughter] Little derbys.

Moonshine: I would like to stealth to steal a little blue hat, a little blue derby.

DM Murph: From who?

Moonshine: I'd like to try and stealth back into the employee area.

DM Murph: Already?

Stunkbug: No no, I grab Moonshine - we specifically said we're not gonna cause any trouble.

DM Murph: You see a little goblin that is sitting by himself in the corner, looking super shaky, just like kinda crazy.

Moonshine: Ohh, strung out.

DM Murph: You see this goblin bartender, you see this big hulking pirate dude goes up and sits at the bar, he's a human. And those are kind of the people who stand out. The rest of them are y'know, you see orcs and cat people and such.

Stunkbug: Okay so I whisper to everybody, “What we're trying to do is, there's an underground fight ring in the basement and we know Skullis is gonna be there, that's all we know, we need to find out where he's gonna be and how we can take care of him without causing a ruckus.”

Hardwon: “Right, how do we get down into the basement?”

Moonshine: “Tell you what.”

Stunkbug: “Yeah?”

Moonshine: “If I grab one of these little blue bowlers, I'll look like an employee and I can say - just grab a tray of drinks and be like ‘Shit, I gotta get this to the basement.’”

Stunkbug: “Okay, can you do that without causing a ruckus?”

DM Murph: You immediately notice that all of the wait staff are goblins and kenkus and stuff. If a elf woman was suddenly a waiter -

Moonshine: I immediately bail on my plan [laughter]. Okay I'm gonna go - I think that we should go approach the kenku in the orange robe, so I'm gonna go over and be like, "Hey y'all, how's your evenin' goin'?"

DM Murph: They all look at you dubiously and one of the - not the one with the orange robe - turns to you and goes, "Can we help you?"

Moonshine: "Actually I was talking to your friend here, I am just in awe of that robe, I mean the colour is so vibrant, did you go to René?"

DM Murph: This kenku stands up and looks at you and says, "What business do you have with Reeva?"

Moonshine: "Are you Reeva?"

DM Murph: "I am - I'm not Reeva, Reeva is the one in the orange robe."

Moonshine: "Oh!"

DM Murph: "What business do you have with Reeva?"

Moonshine: "My business is I find him fascinating."

DM Murph: "Reeva is a woman." [laughter]

Moonshine: "Ohh Melora, I am questioning everything! Sister I am so sorry, I saw a person of power and I made a gendered assumption, and I am ashamed."

DM Murph: "That's on you. That's on you."

Moonshine: "I know that's on me! And I feel that shame. I'm just gonna slink back, my friends can talk to you if they so wish, but I need some - I need to think."

DM Murph: This kenku just turns you, Stunkbug, "What business do you have with Reeva?" Stunkbug when you hear the name Reeva, you recognise that name - you've been tracking Skullis, this is one of his dealers.

Stunkbug: I'll say, "I'm a bounty hunter trying to hunt down one of his customers that took a bad dose of R. Cane and went crazy."

DM Murph: "So you're working for Skullis?"

Stunkbug: Uhhh, you know what? I bail from the conversation. [laughter] This is something that we've seen me do before, when I'm tongue-tied, I turn and walk away.

Hardwon: "What he's trying to say is that we're - we've" -

DM Murph: So far you guys have approached this table of this powerful drug dealer, Moonshine made a gendered assumption, then walked - excused herself and walked away, Stunkbug told an obvious lie, backpedaled, and then walked away, still Hardwon and Beverly are just standing there and now they're gonna give it a try.

Hardwon: "I don't know these two, I'm trying to buy my ass some R. Cane."

Moonshine: Ooh.

Stunkbug: There you go.

Hardwon: "And I'm a big guy and I need a lot.”

DM Murph: "Take a seat."

Hardwon: "Why thank you."

Stunkbug: Can I do something in the meantime?

DM Murph: Yes, absolutely.

Stunkbug: Can I use my investigation, bounty hunter skills, to just sort of case the joint and look for hidden entrances or y'know back rooms or if I see any motion - people motioning -

DM Murph: One kind of strange thing you notice is that the pirate that was at the bar, he takes his drink and then he walks off into a corner. He's not sitting at a table or whatever, he's just going and standing in the corner by himself. So Hardwon, Beverly, you guys sit down at the table with the kenkus.

Hardwon: "Hey I hear there's a fight, I'm just tryna get fucked up and watch some wrestling."

DM Murph: "Where did you hear there was a fight?"

Hardwon: "What do you mean where'd I hear there was a fight? Where'd you hear there was a fight?"

DM Murph: "Are you a cop?"

Hardwon: [scoffs] "Do I look like a cop?"

Stunkbug: Hardwon is so much better at this than me.

DM Murph: Gimme a persuasion check, or a deception check, whichever one's better for you.

Hardwon: 16.

DM Murph: 16, pretty good. "Alright."

Hardwon: I open my beard to show I'm not wearing a wire.

Stunkbug: [laughter] That's where dwarves wear wires, in their beards.

DM Murph: "So you do R. Cane, you wanted to buy R. Cane?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "You have gold?"

Hardwon: "Course I got gold."

DM Murph: "Okay."

Beverly: I hold up a big bag of gold.

Hardwon: "Don't show 'em the full fucking bag."

Beverly: "Sorry, sir!"

DM Murph: The whole bar, like, turns for a second and then turns around as if on instinct. "Okay, well, if you'd like to buy some R. Cane, maybe we'll give you a little sample and you'll do it in front of us, just to…?"

Hardwon: "Are you really gonna make me waste some of my supply? Am I paying for this?"

DM Murph: "No, it's free."

Hardwon: "Free bump?"

DM Murph: "Free bump."

Hardwon: "Sure."

Stunkbug: What does R. Cane - I would know what R. Cane does.

DM Murph: You know that somebody like Reeva is going to have the good stuff, which is basically the color of the powder relates to the type of temporary ability you get, and it's still unstable, but just doing it once you'll probably be okay. It's when you get the mixed shit that you seriously get fucked up.

Stunkbug: I give Hardwon a thumbs up and make a [mimics inhaling twice rapidly through the nose] gesture, like "You can go for it."

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: Alright.

Hardwon: So I'm gonna take a tiny little bump of R. Cane, just - this is - I'm not a guy that uses drugs usually but I'm just trying to get ourselves into this fighting ring.

DM Murph: The kenku takes a vial out, pours some red powder on your thumb.

Hardwon: On my thumb, alright, I lose a little bit on the way up but [mimics inhaling rapidly through the nose].

DM Murph: Your nose burns as you snort the drug and suddenly fire fills your veins.

Hardwon: "That's some good shit." [laughter].

DM Murph: You snort it up. So, the way R. Cane works is you get a random first level spell depending on what type you take. You took a red type so that's fire type. So you have the spell Hellish Rebuke.

Hardwon: Okay.

Moonshine: Ohh, that's a fun one!

DM Murph: You have that spell for one hour.

Hardwon: Dope.

DM Murph: So you have two 1st level spell slots now. Whenever you cast it you're gonna roll for a wild magic surge and crazy shit will happen if you get a 1 through a 5. Usually the way wild magic sorcerers work, it's only if you get a 1, but this is a 1 through 5. You can also, instead of using your Hellish Rebuke spell, you can also choose to just have it manifest through your weapon and do an extra 2d6 of fire damage.

Hardwon: Dope. That's what up with it dude.

DM Murph: But you will get a wild magic surge.

Hardwon: Sweet.

Moonshine: Which means that you'll roll and something weird will also in addition happen.

Beverly: Oh that's great.

DM Murph: Yes.

Stunkbug: Turn into a Cthulhu or somethin' like that.

DM Murph: And you know, Stunkbug, you're watching this, you know from this little bump he'll be fine. If he does it again there will be a chance that when his wild magic surge is that he will explode and die.

Stunkbug: Okay, okay, so I say "Keep it, keep it to one."

DM Murph: Okay, so you take it. Let's cut over to Stunkbug.

Stunkbug: Do I recognise the pirate?

DM Murph: You do not recognise the pirate, but do you want to kind of stealthy keep an eye on him?

Stunkbug: Yeah, can I make another investigation check just to keep an eye on the guy?

DM Murph: Sure, yes. Yeah.

Stunkbug: Okay great. Ooh, I got a 22.

DM Murph: Cool. So you see there are people walking past you, you kind of blend in with the crowd and look over. You see this guy is in the corner of the room by himself, he takes a sip of his drink and melts. And falls through the floorboards.

Stunkbug: Woah, he melts like a candle, he gets all goopy?

DM Murph: Yep, he Alex Mack-ed outta there.

Stunkbug: Okay so he's not dead I was like oh he went down there. So what happens to his cup?

DM Murph: Still there.

Stunkbug: Is there liquid in it?

DM Murph: It spilled on the ground.

Stunkbug: Can I put some in the glass with my hand? I'm just fuckin' Barney Gumble -

Moonshine: Drinking from the floor but trying to convince yourself you're not by drinking out of a glass.

DM Murph: You're able to get a thimble-full of this weird liquid back in your glass.

Stunkbug: Okay I've got it in the glass and I look around. Hopefully noticed my weird alcoholic behaviour?

DM Murph: Nobody's paying attention to you.

Stunkbug: Okay good.

Moonshine: While this is happening can I be stealthing around looking for a door, a trap door, something like that?

DM Murph: There's - behind the bar it looks like there's a little back room, would you like to roll a stealth roll?

Beverly: [laughing] We love gettin' behind the bar.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: [laughing] The Barbacks, the Band of Barbacks.

DM Murph: Are you casting Pass Without Trace or something? You're gonna die if you get caught going behind the bar.

Moonshine: Well...

Beverly: Well.

DM Murph: I'm just saying this isn't a TGI Fridays, you can't just walk into the back.

Moonshine: Well, I got a 17.

Hardwon: You can do that at TGI Fridays?

DM Murph: A 17?

Moonshine: Yeah. Because I have advantage on stealth rolls.

DM Murph: You're probably okay, let's see what the bartender gets...a nat 1 [laughter].

Moonshine: Oh thank Melora, that is -

Hardwon: The bartender is hopped up on R. Cane himself.

Stunkbug: Someone drops a glass and the bartender's like "Fuck!", has to go -

DM Murph: You snuck around back. You see this back area that has barrels and stuff with all the ale and different drinks and stuff, and you do see a staircase down to a basement.

Moonshine: Are there any of those hats around? Any of the blue bowler hats?

DM Murph: Go ahead and do an investigation check.

Beverly: You really just want one of those hats.

Moonshine: 8?

DM Murph: You're not able to find any back here.

Moonshine: Is there anyone around?

DM Murph: There's no one in the back right now.

Moonshine: I would like to stealth down.

DM Murph: Cool. You go down to where you would expect the basement door to be, there is a door there. You open the door, there's a concrete wall and it says, "Staff Only", written on the wall.

Moonshine: I hold up a staff...

[laughter]

Beverly: You got me.

Stunkbug: Does she still have the intelligence 1?

DM Murph: Nope, nope, this is just Moonshine. No, it is not a pun. It is not a pun trick.

Hardwon: Speak friend, and enter.

Moonshine: Are there any cracks in the concrete?

DM Murph: Nope.

Moonshine: It's just a concrete -

DM Murph: Smooth, concrete wall. Do you wanna go ahead and give me an arcana check or something?

Beverly: Yeah check that 'cana. Ooh!

Moonshine: 18.

DM Murph: Dis a fuckin' magic wall.

Moonshine: "Whew, so how does one do somethin' about that?" I'm gonna go back and meet up with them.

DM Murph: Okay, cool.

Beverly: I would like to excuse myself from the table, I say I have to go to the bathroom, I clap my hand on Hardwon's shoulder and say, “you handle the rest of this.”

DM Murph: One of these kenkus sitting next to the main one, whose name is Reeva -

Hardwon: Reeva.

DM Murph: Says "Okay, ten gold per vial, how much do you want?"

Hardwon: "Ten gold per vial, really? You're gonna do me dirt like that?"

DM Murph: "Do you want the good stuff or do you want to go crazy like these maniacs out on the street?"

Hardwon: "I'll get - fine, ten gold, but" -

DM Murph: "If you wanna buy the shitty stuff you go talk to him" -

Hardwon: "No I'll give you ten gold but just tell me how to get to the fuckin' fight."

Moonshine: "Sorry, who do you talk to for the shitty stuff?" [laughter]

DM Murph: This kenku points to the jittery goblin in the corner.

Stunkbug: I go to Moonshine, "No no no, you don't want the shitty stuff."

Moonshine: "Oh, okay."

Hardwon: "I'll take - yeah, I'll buy a vial."

DM Murph: Hand him ten gold coins, hands you a vial of red R. Cane.

Hardwon: I chug the whole thing. [laughter]

Moonshine: No, don't! You'll be dangerous, you'll be in danger.

Stunkbug: No don't.

Hardwon: No, I'm just kidding.

DM Murph: You die.

Hardwon: " 'ppreciate it. Now how do I get into this underground fight thing?"

DM Murph: Finally Reeva speaks up, this kenku in this orange robe, she looks you up and down and says, "Do you fight?"

Hardwon: I don't answer with words, I just sorta flex my triceps.

DM Murph: "I could help you get in. If you can promise me that I can make some money off of you."

Hardwon: Oh, shit.

Moonshine: Dang, that's a compliment!

Hardwon: "Am I gonna make some money too? I'd like to earn back these ten gold pieces."

DM Murph: "You win tonight, you'll get more than just your ten gold back."

Hardwon: "Alright, let's do it. But I don't go anywhere without my friends, they're gonna have to come with me."

DM Murph: [Displeased] "Mmm."

Beverly: I walk back over and I say, "Sir, is there anything I can do for you? [to Reeva] I'm his valet."

Hardwon: "I don't go anywhere without my valet." [laughter]

Beverly: You want me to roll? I'll do deception baby.

DM Murph: Sure.

Moonshine: Why would you?

Hardwon: He was gonna let us in! You volunteered to roll, and you only roll 2s!

Stunkbug: You don't need to roll! You don't need to roll, you don't need to roll!

Hardwon: No, roll. No, no I want you too now, there's too much buildup.

Stunkbug: Natural 1, here it comes.

DM Murph: Yeah you gotta roll now.

Beverly: That's a 20 baby.

[Everybody cheers]

Moonshine: Nat 20! Nat 20!

DM Murph: He got a nat 20? Jesus!

Beverly: That's a nat 20.

DM Murph: "Wow, you got your own bubble boy."

Hardwon: "Bubble boy, bubble bubble bubble boy."

Beverly: "This man stole me from my home in the bubble and he's raised me as his own."

Hardwon: "And you thought I was a fuckin' cop."

Beverly: "And I would never go anywhere without him. He's taught me how to fight, and he's teaching me how to live my own life."

Hardwon: "And that's really all we do, there's nothing beyond that." [laughter]

Beverly: "It's not creepy."

DM Murph: "This is what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk up to the bartender, you're gonna order the house special. He's gonna say ‘we don't have a house special, I'll make something special for you, how are you feeling?’ You say, ‘I'm feeling down.’ You drink the drink, and that'll get you down to the basement."

Hardwon: "Alright. Let's go guys."

Beverly: "Yes sir."

Stunkbug: "Okay."

DM Murph: You guys walk up to the bar, this little goblin -

Hardwon: Hardwon forgot everything, "I'll have the Reeva Special."

DM Murph: [As Bartender] "What are you talkin' about?"

Hardwon: "Three elevens down." [laughter]

DM Murph: "Does someone else wanna order for him? He's" -

Moonshine: "Yes!" -

Stunkbug: Yeah I order -

Moonshine: "Oh, no no no please."

Stunkbug: "No, please, you Moonshine."

DM Murph: "Okay, who the fuck" -

Stunkbug: "Please, ladies first."

Moonshine: "Hello, hi."

DM Murph: "Hi. What?"

Moonshine: "We'll have" -

Hardwon: "That R. Cane is peaking right now actually."

Moonshine: "We'll have four of the house specials."

DM Murph: "House special? We don't have a house special here but I could fix you four up something special. What uh - how you feelin'?"

Moonshine: "I'm feelin' really down. Sad, depressed, miserable.” [laughter]

Hardwon: [Singing in the background]

Stunkbug: "Oh my god, Moonshine, Moonshine are you crying?"

Moonshine: "Yeah." I start crying.

DM Murph: "Are all four of you feeling down?"

Stunkbug: "Yo, yeah, our gramgram died."

Hardwon: "Very down."

Moonshine: “Our gramgram -” [laughter]

DM Murph: "Hmm, okay."

Beverly: "Four-way funeral, yeah." [laughter]

DM Murph: "I'll fix you up something special then."

Hardwon: The only way to funeral.

DM Murph: This guy goes back, he goes all the way into the back. Walks back out, he's got four frothy, yellow drinks.

Moonshine: "Y'all, can I Instagram this?" [laughter]

Hardwon: Just don't geotag it.

Beverly: Can I roll to see if there's piss in this?

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: Okay...That's another nat 20 [laughter].

Moonshine: What a waste of nat 20s!

Hardwon: Does that make there piss in it?

DM Murph: There is a little bit of goblin piss in it.

Hardwon: Trace amount of piss.

Beverly: Why the fuck does this keep happening? I keep having the best rolls on the dumbest shit.

Stunkbug: Y'know - look here's the thing, we don't know if the goblin piss is part of the magical ingredient that makes it work or -

Beverly: That's very true.

DM Murph: He may have just pissed in your drink because he doesn't like you.

Moonshine: Y’all, I have drank piss -

Stunkbug: But we can't tell which one it is! We're gonna have to drink the goblin piss.

DM Murph: It's just the slightest hint of goblin piss.

Beverly: I sniff it -

Stunkbug: We have no choice.

Beverly: And say, "Is there piss in this?"

Stunkbug: "Nooo, no, he doesn't think there's piss in it. No, sir, I'm so sorry" -

DM Murph: "There's piss in it, but keep it quiet, cause y'know, this drink isn't y'know - just fuckin' drink the drink."

Stunkbug: "Okay, well - okay."

Moonshine: "You know, I've had gator piss, croc piss, possum piss, prawn piss, frog piss" -

Hardwon: I've already finished my drink.

[Overspeak]

DM Murph: [laughter] Okay, you drink the drink. You guys see fucking Hardwon and Stunkbug melt.

Hardwon: You're still listing off the piss that you've had.

Stunkbug: "Get me out of here!"

Moonshine: "Stag piss, raccoon piss, oyster piss" -

DM Murph: So Moonshine and Bev you - Bev you're standing there while Moonshine lists the piss.

Moonshine: "Do you know they piss?"

Hardwon: I want you to go through the floor, and then come back up still spouting off piss.

Beverly: I look at the bartender and say, "I'm sorry but I'm only gonna be able to give you fifteen percent tip for that." And I do put the corresponding tip on the bar and then I sip my drink.

Moonshine: Also I give him a little business card I've - when we were travelling here I took a bunch of leaves and I made little business cards for my travelling musical act and I say, "If you're ever lookin' for a fiddler."

DM Murph: You see he just grabs the cup from you, opens your mouth and pours the drink into your mouth. [laughter]

Moonshine: I go down saying, "Dog piss, cat piss..."

DM Murph: You melt through the floor. Beverly, have you had the -

Beverly: Yeah, I drank it.

DM Murph: You guys all melt through the floorboards. Stunkbug and Hardwon you're already down there, you've already reformed. You were shocked and appalled when it first happened but you've been waiting for a long time as Moonshine just talked about piss for a while. Suddenly -

Moonshine: I re-materialise saying, "even human piss."

DM Murph: Moonshine goop falls from the ceiling.

Moonshine: "Woah. So sorry, I was havin' a conversation then I - okay."

DM Murph: They reform. You guys are in this hallway, Moonshine you can kind of deduce that this is the other side of that wall, you see you're at the end of a hallway.

Moonshine: I tell them the story about "Staff Only" and how I tried to raise my staff.

Beverly: "Haha, that's pretty good."

Hardwon: "She wasn't kidding."

DM Murph: So you hear echoes of a fight and some rowdy cheering.

Hardwon: Alright. I gotta get in the ring.

Beverly: "Onwards, to glory!"

Moonshine: “Hardwon - “

Stunkbug: Do we see the entrance back to the kitchen? I just wanna -

DM Murph: No you don't, it's just a stone wall.

Moonshine: "Hardwon, come to me. Would you rather have constitution or strength?"

Hardwon: "I already have a shit-ton of strength, let’s go constitution."

Moonshine: Okay, I give Hardwon a very sensual kiss on the lips, and -

Hardwon: “Wow.” He's been waiting for this a long time but he was still surprised.

Moonshine: And in doing so I impart to him Bear's Endurance. You get a temporary 2d6 hit points for an hour and you have an advantage on all constitution checks.

DM Murph: Nice! Roll 2d6.

Hardwon: That's a 2. And a 4.

DM Murph: Cool, write -

Moonshine: So an extra 6 hit points.

Beverly: Wait, Adam, so Skullis killed orc Niles? [laughter]

Stunkbug: Yes but he wasn't - he was sort of like if you imagine Niles, but he was very stupid and lived in literal shit.

Beverly: But he could've been your Niles, if you could've undergone the wizard treatment.

Stunkbug: I know, and I regret that every day.

DM Murph: You hear a loud cheer in the other room.

Stunkbug: Okay so I say to them - I say to these guys, "Okay gang we're just gonna go in, we're just patronising the fight, he's gonna fight, and we're gonna scope out and look for Skullis."

Moonshine: "Again we all have Pass Without Trace, so feel free to stealth, you got +10 to all your rolls."

DM Murph: Cool. So you guys get into this room where everyone is cheering. It's this big dank basement with stone walls and stone floors. There's a rowdy crowd of people watching two people fight. You see the pirate guy, who you saw upstairs, Stunkbug, is stabbing the shit out of another guy with his dagger. You see people have red and blue tickets to denote who they placed their bets on. You see there's one kenku in a little blue hat handling gold and dealing with the bets. Suddenly you see the pirate guy rip the other guy's throat out and start swinging it around like it's Mortal Kombat, and the crowd goes nuts. You quickly realise that this is no normal fight club. So Reeva enters from behind and approaches you, Hardwon. "Are you ready to fight?"

Hardwon: "I fight for Reeva."

DM Murph: Reeva walks over to another kenku who seems to be running the show, he was in the circle with the fighters in the last fight, sort of the referee. He calls you over, Hardwon.

Beverly: Before he goes in, I do want to cast Shield of Faith on him to give him extra AC.

DM Murph: Dope. Okay, go ahead.

Moonshine: Oh y'all, you got extra HP, extra AC -

Beverly: Our boy's extra right now.

Moonshine: You're just - you're extra!

Hardwon: Very extra. That puts a 2 on my AC?

Beverly: Yes. Plus 2 bonus to AC.

Moonshine: Do you wanna borrow my cloak for this fight? An extra AC...

Hardwon: Dope, yeah, throw your cloak on my shoulders too.

Beverly: Oh nice.

Hardwon: That'd be 19.

Beverly: I do want to mention that it is a shimmering field, and the field does look like my face.

Hardwon: Awesome.

Beverly: Just a big, shining, smiling face.

DM Murph: This kenku waves for you to come in.

Hardwon: I'm walking in.

DM Murph: Hardwon walks in, people start booing cause he's not a fan favorite, nobody knows him yet.

Hardwon: Good. But I fucking soak it up like the Rock did when he was on Vince McMahon's side, I like it.

Moonshine: I play on the fiddle -

Hardwon: Beating my chest.

Moonshine: I play Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin on the fiddle [imitates playing the fiddle].

Hardwon: Oh dope.

Beverly: Oh shit.

Hardwon: Yeah yeah, I need entrance music.

DM Murph: Roll a performance check, if you roll -

Beverly: Goddammit.

DM Murph: If you roll a 20 I'll give him Bardic Inspiration, but you have to roll a nat 20.

Moonshine: I got a 14.

DM Murph: Nope, you just play okay for once.

Hardwon: That's still pretty good though.

Moonshine: That's good though!

DM Murph: You do okay. You get into the center and the kenku yells, "Place your bets! Place your bets! One-Eyed Ryan, or - what's your name?"

Hardwon: "Hardwon fuckin' Surefoot."

DM Murph: "Hardwon Surefoot or One-Eyed Ryan!" One-eyed Ryan goes, "A bet on me is a sure bet, I'm One-Eyed Ryan!"

Hardwon: [laughter] Points to the right of his face.

DM Murph: "I can't help that my name is Ryan!"

Hardwon: "You got bad depth perception, man."

DM Murph: "Hey fuck off, buddy, I'm gonna kill you!"

Stunkbug: What does Reeva do, I watch Reeva, how does Reeva bet?

DM Murph: You see that people are placing bets with the kenku who has the little blue hat on. He's taking gold and giving out red or blue tickets depending on who everyone is betting on. Hardwon is the newcomer so he's in the blue corner with the blue tickets. You see Reeva has one of her henchmen place a bet on Hardwon. But most of the people bet on One-Eyed Ryan. You see a lot of red tickets, it's three-to-one odds against Hardwon.

Moonshine: I'm gonna put twenty gold on Hardwon.

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Me too.

Hardwon: Yeah I'll put twenty on myself.

DM Murph: Okay. Bets are all placed, so the kenku ref gets between Hardwon and One-Eyed Ryan and holds his hands up, "I want a good clean fight, or - I guess it doesn't need to be good or clean. Touch gloves if you want to."

Beverly: "Touch hands!"

Hardwon: "Nope. I'm good."

DM Murph: One-Eyed Ryan spits some blood at you. This kenku holds his hand out, and says, "Let's get it on!" Roll initiative.

Beverly: I can't believe it took you so many episodes to do a wrestling match.

Hardwon: 10.

DM Murph: You do not go first.

Hardwon: Fair enough.

DM Murph: Cool. This guy swings on you. He comes at you with his dagger, and he misses with his first attack. He takes his second attack and he...hits?

Moonshine: Does he? Hardwon has so much -

Hardwon: I'm at 19.

DM Murph: He rolled a 16 and he gets a plus 4 to hit so you got damaged. 4 damage. Go ahead. So you also are high on fucking R. Cane right now, you feel fire pulsing into your hands.

Hardwon: I didn't even feel the fucking dagger.

DM Murph: So you can choose to - you can cast your spell as an action or you could do a regular attack and do this flame burst that's two extra d6, but then you suffer the effects of the R. Cane.

Hardwon: Sweet. I think I'm gonna fuckin' - I'm gonna do the fire thing.

DM Murph: Cool, do your regular attack first to see if you hit.

Hardwon: That's a 19.

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: Ooh yeah!

DM Murph: Okay, so do your damage and then roll your -

Moonshine: Take out his other eye.

Hardwon: 12.

DM Murph: 12 damage?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: You slash into this dude. And then you're gonna do the extra 2d6?

Hardwon: Yeah I'm gonna do the extra 2d6.

Beverly: [Impressed whistle]

DM Murph: Cool, roll the extra 2d6.

Hardwon: 4.

DM Murph: So 16?

Hardwon: Uh huh.

DM Murph: 16 damage. Damn. As the blade cuts into him there's this explosion of fire and the crowd goes crazy. They weren't expecting this shit.

Hardwon: They start trying to place new bets yet?

DM Murph: No, not yet. Bets are already locked. I need you to roll a d20.

Hardwon: Oh god. For what?

Moonshine: Is this a constitution check?

DM Murph: Nope.

Hardwon: That is a nat 5.

DM Murph: Nat 5. You feel the fucking magic surging in you, and here's what happens...

Stunkbug: [Jokingly] “It's always something good.”

Hardwon: Oh wow.

DM Murph: All of a sudden the entire crowd goes invisible. Everyone in the room goes invisible except for you.

Hardwon: Jesus Christ.

Stunkbug: To us as well?

DM Murph: It is not reverse invisibility -

Stunkbug: Okay.

DM Murph: [To Hardwon] You just - everyone goes invisible.

Hardwon: I'm blind.

DM Murph: You guys can still see Hardwon.

Stunkbug: Okay then he's the only one.

DM Murph: One-Eyed Ryan can see you. One-Eyed Ryan -

Stunkbug: Very confusing.

DM Murph: You guys see One-Eyed Ryan sneak up behind him and you can't figure out why Hardwon's not doing anything.

Beverly: Can we shout at Hardwon?

Stunkbug: I wanna use my arcana to see if I can figure out what's going on.

Beverly: Good call.

DM Murph: Sure.

Stunkbug: I got a 20. Not nat 20.

DM Murph: Cool, you see his pupils are crazy dilated, he's tripping balls.

Moonshine: Just shout, ‘Behind you!’

Stunkbug: "He's trippin' out right now."

Beverly: Yeah, can we just shout, ‘Behind you,’ or something?

DM Murph: You can shout ‘Behind you,’ but there's a crazy fucking crowd. This dude hits. This dude all of a sudden appears behind you and stabs you with his dagger for 6 damage. And then he takes another swing, and he hits.

Moonshine: [Incredulous] Again? He hits over a 19 again?

DM Murph: Yes, because he's rolling with advantage because he's snuck up behind Hardwon.

Beverly: Fair.

DM Murph: So he hits for another 5 damage.

Moonshine: I almost feel like the drugs weren't worth it.

DM Murph: Now it is your turn.

Hardwon: I'm gonna jump and helicopter my greataxe.

DM Murph: This dude - you can see him now, he came out once he stabbed you.

Hardwon: Oh okay.

DM Murph: The crowd is still invisible though.

Hardwon: Cool, I really only do it for -

Moonshine: That just helps you focus.

Hardwon: Yeah that's true. You guys ever see The Perfect Game? With Kevin Costner?

Stunkbug: Nope.

Beverly: No but I've seen 8 Mile.

Hardwon: He would say - what would he say? Ah whatever, doesn't matter. Here we go. That is a 21.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: Great.

Moonshine: Yeah, bitch.

Beverly: Nice.

Hardwon: That is a 16.

DM Murph: 16 damage? Fuck.

Moonshine: And then do your extra 2d6, right?

Hardwon: Oh shit then I'm gonna do those extra 2d6 too!

DM Murph: He was on his - he's dead with 16 damage. Finish him.

[Everybody cheers]

Hardwon: I wanna just look - oh wait, can I still not see the audience?

DM Murph: You can't see the audience.

Hardwon: [Loudly] "Wherever you guys are, you're all dead broke now!" And then I'm just fucking taking the tip of my axe and then shoving it through this dude's other eye. "You're No-Eyed Ryan now."

DM Murph: [laughter] No-Eyed Ryan is super dead.

[Everybody cheers] : "Hardwon! Hardwon! Hardwon!"

Hardwon: I can't hear it. Oh wait, can I hear it?

DM Murph: You see -

Hardwon: An invisible room of people chanting my name.

Beverly: It's your dream.

DM Murph: Some people are cheering, but most of the people are pretty fucking upset cause they just lost a bunch of money. You guys just tripled your money, anybody who put twenty gold down now has sixty gold. You just made some -

Stunkbug: Can I cast - I wanna ca - this is maybe unnecessary, I was gonna say I could cast Minor Illusion to make it look like I had bet far more on Hardwon.

Moonshine: Why not? It's a cantrip, isn't it?

DM Murph: It's a risk. If you get caught cheating, it's like getting caught -

Stunkbug: I'm not - there's no reason for me to cheat at this point. The thought goes briefly through my mind, but I'm here to eviscerate Skullis.

DM Murph: Cool. So you guys are standing there, you see Hardwon has just killed this dude that was kinda cleaning house. He probably beat a few dudes for these people to be so confident that they were betting on him three-to-one. So, you see there aren't really challengers stepping up and Stunkbug, you look in the hallway, and you see Skullis walk in with two tabaxi guys with him. You guys don't know this is Skullis. Are you gonna tell them, Stunkbug?

Stunkbug: I'll give them a little - I'm making a little gesture.

Beverly: God, I wish we knew how sexy -

Moonshine: Then I wanna stealth around them and try and hear their conversation.

DM Murph: Okay. You see this big, buff, white cat-man who’s got these black fur patches that look like X's on his neck.

Moonshine: This is really hard for me, I don't think I can fight a cat.

[laughter]

DM Murph: And he's got like a tiger looking dude and a panther looking dude standing next to him. You see they're pulling along with them this crazed gnoll, dog-man, this crazy looking dude.

Moonshine: Ohh you're gonna have to fuckin' fight him.

Beverly: I can't fight a dog-man, sorry.

DM Murph: And you see Skullis shouts out, "We've got your challenger!" And the whole room gets quiet. Skullis takes out a big pouch of gold to bet on the gnoll, and he crosses his arms and he stands there, and there's a moment of quiet and intimidation. And then finally, the kenku who was running stuff goes, [high-pitched] "Alright! Taking bets, place your bets!"

Stunkbug: I wanna do - I'm gonna use Minor Illusion to give myself, which is a cantrip, to put down an equally big stack of gold. And then I want to say to Skullis, "How about I'll match your bet on Hardwon, and I wanna make it even more interesting. If Hardwon wins, I want to fight you."

Beverly: That's dope. That's so good.

Moonshine: I love it.

DM Murph: Make a persuasion or an intimidation check.

Moonshine: I Shape Water to make it rain over him.

Stunkbug: Wow, my charisma is not good.

Moonshine: I see double digits.

Stunkbug: I rolled a 10, I guess? Yeah.

DM Murph: He laughs, and the entire circle, like everyone in the room starts laughing, and he puts his hand on your shoulder and he says, [gruff] "If your friend survives we'll talk. How about that, huh?"

Stunkbug: I try to act tough, "Uh, yeah, that sounds like that would be adequate, thank you very much."

DM Murph: "Alright kiddo." He pinches your cheek.

Beverly: Oh boy.

Stunkbug: Oh, I'm burning up inside.

Moonshine: Is he drinking anything?

DM Murph: He's not drinking anything. You see he just crosses his arms. And you see the guys with him, the tabaxi with him, they [he sniffs] do little bumps of this R. Cane stuff but he doesn't take any. He just stands there with his arms crossed.

Beverly: Can we bet on Hardwon?

DM Murph: You can sure as hell bet on Hardwon.

Hardwon: Yeah I'm gonna toss my full -

Stunkbug: I put down an illusory bag. Lasts a minute, so I hope the fight is short.

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: Yeah I'll do fifty on Hardwon.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: I'm gonna put my entire pouch on myself.

DM Murph: This kenku referee gets between you guys, he says, "Alright touch hands if you guys want."

Hardwon: "We're good."

Beverly: "Touch hands!"

DM Murph: The gnoll spits at your hands, [he makes grunting gnoll sounds].

Hardwon: I pound Beverly.

Stunkbug: You know I do like it when they touch hands, I think it's more sportsmanlike.

DM Murph: Okay, roll initiative, Hardwon.

Beverly: Can I -

Hardwon: 22.

DM Murph: 22.

Beverly: Murph, is there anyone in the ring other than the ref? Do they have trainers or coaches or anything?

DM Murph: No it's just a circle, just a pit fight.

Beverly: Okay, so I couldn't walk in with a towel and be like, "Oh, I'm his trainer."

DM Murph: You could walk - yeah you could walk to the edge of the circle and yell that you're his trainer.

Stunkbug: [laughter] Is there anyone else doing my bit so that I can do my bit?

Moonshine: Considering you already established yourself as his valet...

Beverly: That's true.

Stunkbug: Yeah that's true yeah they know that.

Beverly: "I'm his valet, I am his trainer, I am expected to be in the ring to provide him water and towels if necessary."

DM Murph: One of Skullis's guys just kicks you in the head -

[laughter]

Hardwon: Right. This is a fight to the death, we don't get towels.

DM Murph: For 4 damage.

Beverly: Okay, so I don't get to roll -

DM Murph: He just kicks you in the head. Do you want to ask again?

Beverly: Don't get to roll deception on that, huh? Okay. I guess I'll just take my kick.

DM Murph: Beverly quietly walks back -

Hardwon: Is that your second CT - that's your second concussion?

Beverly: That is my second concussion.

Stunkbug: [laughing, repeating what Beverly said] I guess I’ll just take my kick.

DM Murph: So you see Reeva goes and she puts her gold pouch on your side. And you see there's an "Oooh", in the crowd.

Hardwon: I wink at her.

DM Murph: She nods.

Moonshine: Oooh, yo, fuck a crow.

DM Murph: Okay so you rolled initiative and you rolled higher, so you go first.

Hardwon: Great. That is a 15? Yes, 15.

DM Murph: Just hits, go ahead and roll your damage.

Moonshine: You haven't used your second drug thing.

Hardwon: Ooh, yeah, I think I might be cause my damage was a 1 plus...

DM Murph: You can re-roll your 1, you have Great Weapon Fighting.

Hardwon: Oh that's right. And that time it was an 11 plus 6, that's 17.

DM Murph: Damn, dude.

Moonshine: 17 and then maybe do extra -

DM Murph: You slash into this dude -

Hardwon: Yeah should I do the fire thing?

Moonshine: I think so.

DM Murph: Would you like to do it?

Hardwon: Yeah might as well.

DM Murph: Okay, roll an extra 2d6.

Hardwon: 5...3. 8.

DM Murph: Dope.

Moonshine: Extra 8, so you did 25 damage!

DM Murph: You slash into this dude, the axe cuts into his shoulder and then fire explodes out of that and he lets out this loud howl and is just so furious. You do a lot of damage to him, go ahead and roll a d20. Let's see if this wild magic surge.

Stunkbug: Dude you just hit a dog, y'know.

Beverly: Yeah!

Hardwon: That was 2.

[Everybody groans]

Stunkbug: Jesus Christ.

DM Murph: Oh my goodness, let's roll and see what happens to you.

Moonshine: Jeeesus.

Hardwon: All I had to do was not roll a one through five?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: Huh.

Hardwon: Dammit. Dammit.

Beverly: You did the thing.

DM Murph: Hardwon suddenly grows a long beard made of feathers.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: I already had a long beard!

DM Murph: Your beard turns into feathers.

Beverly: Aw, man.

Hardwon: Is that it?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: That's fine.

Beverly: Wait -

DM Murph: You just have a beard of feathers.

Stunkbug: How does that attach to him?

Beverly: Wait Murph, how attracted to Hardwon is Reeva currently?

Hardwon: Oh yeah now I got that feather beard.

DM Murph: Yeah, she seems hot and bothered by it.

Hardwon: Are we not gonna roll for her horniness?

DM Murph: I'll roll for her horniness. She got a 15.

Beverly: Oh, yeah.

Hardwon: Pretty fucking good.

DM Murph: She's pretty fucking horny.

Moonshine: Ohh, you're gonna fuck a crow!

Stunkbug: What does a kenku do when they're hot and bothered?

Moonshine: The bird nerds are gonna be on you if you don't fuck her right though.

DM Murph: They start preening. Okay so this gnoll -

Hardwon: I left the Irondeep Mountains and the only person I get laid with is a bird.

DM Murph: You see this gnoll pulls out a vial of this mixed powder of all different colours. He pours it on his hand, like a ton, and [he sniffs] snorts it all.

Hardwon: Oh shit.

Beverly: "No, dogs’ noses are so sensitive!"

DM Murph: And he goes at you with his claws for a 15? That does not hit.

Hardwon: That does not hit.

Moonshine: No sir!

Beverly: Oh nice.

DM Murph: He goes to swing at you again and he gets a 19, does a 19 hit?

Hardwon: 19 just hits.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Dang you roll so well, Murph.

Beverly: Good job! Good job, Murph.

Stunkbug: Good job, Murph.

Hardwon: We're all proud of you, man.

Moonshine: You need to swap dice.

Stunkbug: You don't know, maybe he's - he might be weighting them back there behind that screen.

DM Murph: He slashes you for 7 damage, and then out of his claws there's this burst of crazy energy, it's fucking cold and then it's hot, for 6 damage. And then he's gonna roll for his wild magic surge.

Moonshine: What if he also gets a beard of feathers?

[Laughter]

DM Murph: He rolled an 18, so nothing happens, he's just -

Stunkbug: Can I roll arcana to identify the kind of power he - what powder he snorted?

DM Murph: Sure. Yeah go ahead.

Stunkbug: It would be a 21.

DM Murph: This guy is snorting the bad stuff, he is using the wild magic addict shit.

Beverly: Murph, what kind of dog is he?

DM Murph: He's -

Moonshine: Like a good dog - a good boy or a bad boy?

Beverly: No like what breed?

DM Murph: He's like a pig-dog-man.

Beverly: So like a pitbull?

Stunkbug: Like a Moblin from Zelda.

DM Murph: There you go. Exactly like a Moblin from Zelda.

Beverly: Uh huh.

Hardwon: Almost too much like a Moblin from Zelda.

DM Murph: Hardwon, your turn.

Stunkbug: [Jokingly] Yeah, almost like - oh wait, there's a man in a suit with legal papers at the door?

Hardwon: Come in! The man in the suit rolled a 1. I rolled a 16.

DM Murph: 16, that hits.

Beverly: Hell yeah.

Hardwon: It's a 13.

DM Murph: 13.

Beverly: I can't wait to watch our friend kill a dog.

Stunkbug: Are you exploding him, too?

DM Murph: He's still -

Stunkbug: You gonna explode him?

DM Murph: He's right fucked up.

Hardwon: You know what? Then I'm gonna use my fucking Action Surge.

[Everybody cheers]

DM Murph: You might kill this guy before he gets to do any crazy shit!

Beverly: Kill a dog! Kill a dog!

Moonshine: That would be so awesome.

Stunkbug: That's success. The best thing to do is to let the DM down.

Hardwon: Fuck me. 11.

DM Murph: 11. You swing, and he dodges out of the way and cackles. He pulls out another vial.

Hardwon: Aw, man.

Moonshine: More!?

DM Murph: Pours it on his hand. Snorts it like a fucking crazy person.

Moonshine: I shout, "This ain't a fair fight! One of them’s doin' it clean!"

DM Murph: Everyone says, “Shut up!”

Hardwon: "That's right, this dude's too strong."

DM Murph: You see this dude shoots at you with a ray of fire. He shoots at you once -

Hardwon: [Panicked, high-pitched] "My feathers!"

DM Murph: And he misses. You dodge, some of your feathery beard gets fucked up.

Hardwon: "I just got this!"

DM Murph: He shoots another beam of fire -

Stunkbug: [Laughing] You love your feathery beard.

DM Murph: And he misses!

Moonshine: Yeah! That's that fuckin' 19 AC!

DM Murph: More of your feathery beard goes away.

Hardwon: "No!"

Moonshine: That's that shimmerin' shield, that's that cloak.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: And he misses the last one, but your feathery beard does burn off and you are clean-shaven now. Your beard is gone.

[Everybody cries, outraged] "No, no!"

Hardwon: That is worse than death!

Stunkbug: He missed three times but every time he missed he hit the beard -

DM Murph: He hit the beard. Now he's gonna roll his wild magic surge, which is even worse now. And this dude, you just see energy fill up and you see the tabaxi, like Skullis and shit, just start backin' - the whole crowd starts backin' up.

Beverly: Take cover.

Hardwon: Oh, dear.

Stunkbug: Ok. Yeah I know what's gonna happen, right? I tell everyone to take cover.

Moonshine: Oh, he's gonna blow up!

Hardwon: He's about to fucking blow up.

Stunkbug: I tell everyone to take cover.

Moonshine: Yo jump outta the way, my dude!

Hardwon: [Panicked] I'm jumping out the way, jumping sideways! I cover Beverly.

Stunkbug: I cast - I wanna cast - I have Lightning Lure which is a spell that I create a lash of lightning energy, strikes at one creature of your choice, I pull them up to ten feet in a straight line towards you -

DM Murph: Oh, you're pulling Hardwon! Dope, I will totally allow that.

Stunkbug: I'm pulling Hardwon out of the way. Sweet.

DM Murph: Cool. Grab Hardwon, you pull him out of the way. He fucking blows up in a burst of multi coloured energy. He kills several kenkus and people around the edges -

Hardwon: Not Reeva!

DM Murph: Not Reeva, no, she knows to back up. She backs up.

Moonshine: Yo, you're so gettin' that beak job.

Hardwon: Yeah, dude. I've only fucked birds on this trip.

DM Murph: There's this hushed quiet in the room now.

Moonshine: Moonshine breaks it by being like, "Hardwon...Hardwon! Hardwon!"

[Everybody begins cheering]

Hardwon: [Announcing] "Hardwon Surefoot, the Envy of Ezry, the Featherbeard, give me my gold!"

[Laughter]

Beverly: The Birdbeard.

DM Murph: Roll a charisma check, a performance check.

Hardwon: [devastated] That's a 2.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: But! I get a plus 2. Yeah, so that's a 4. Can I - just before I fail utterly can I please just try to dip Reeva and kiss her?

DM Murph: Yup! You start performing, you go to dip Reeva and you see some of the kenkus just hold their hands out to be like, "It's not the time."

Beverly: No man.

DM Murph: So you guys are cheering for Hardwon, but everyone else is completely quiet, you see people looking up at Skullis who does not look pleased, he's got his arms crossed. The kenku who's been managing the bets just quietly disperses the winnings out to everyone.

Stunkbug: So I go up to Skullis and say, "You wanna talk now?"

Moonshine: Ohh hell yeah!

Hardwon: That's what's up. By the way I just - I have - I put ninety-seven gold pieces on myself for that fight -

Beverly: Ohoh, shit.

DM Murph: You get five times that back.

Hardwon: Hardwon's as rich as Beverly's parents now!

Moonshine: Ohh my god -

Beverly: You're my new dad -

Moonshine: I put twenty so that means I have one hundred, right?

DM Murph: Yup.

Beverly: Yeah I got one hundred and fifty.

Stunkbug: I put illusionary coins down, they disappeared like ten minutes ago.

DM Murph: So finally Skullis pipes up, "Everyone out! Except for you two." And he points to Hardwon and Stunkbug.

Moonshine: Moonshine pretends to leave, but she stealths in.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: So Moonshine makes a big -

DM Murph: Does Beverly also have a stealth?

Beverly: Yeah we're both stealthed, yeah.

Moonshine: Pass Without Trace? Yeah.

Stunkbug: Oh god.

DM Murph: Okay, roll stealth checks.

Moonshine: Also I make a big "Okayyy, goin' home."

Stunkbug: Multiple people stealthing never -

DM Murph: Roll - they have plus 10 to stealth cause they did Pass Without Trace.

Stunkbug: Ohh okay okay okay.

Moonshine: I got 16 twice cause I have advantage on stealth rolls so 26.

Beverly: I got 14 plus 10, 24.

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Yup.

Moonshine: Oh we add, 26 plus...

DM Murph: Oh my god, okay.

Beverly: Yeah, we're good.

Moonshine: 28.

DM Murph: So you see everyone else files out, they go down that hallway. A bunch of people put on these little blue hats and they're able to walk through the wall.

Moonshine: Can I sleight of hand a blue hat please?

Hardwon: Oh that's all you -

DM Murph: Would you like to also do that?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: That's all we needed to do.

DM Murph: Okay, roll a sleight of hand.

Hardwon: And we fucking dissuaded Emily from the blue hat.

Moonshine: That's 11.

DM Murph: 11. Okay. Who are you going for?

Moonshine: Just the weakest looking person.

DM Murph: Weakest looking - okay, some stupid little goblin is walking along [Beverly makes goblin noises] and he rolled, I kid you not, he rolled a nat 1. He just walks along, you rip the hat right off of him. He walks into - he just keeps walking into the wall.

Hardwon: Like James Bond, 007.

DM Murph: [As goblin] "What the fuck? What happened?" You see he just like, "Oh, I lost my hat." He joins one of his friends, he grabs his hand and they walk through together.

Hardwon: Nice.

Moonshine: "Sweet! I finally got one of those blue bowler hats."

Beverly: "Nice, it looks good on you."

Stunkbug: "It's a derby, alright. Learn the difference between the hats. You haven't learned anything about fashion."

Moonshine: Blue...derby...hat.

DM Murph: So, Beverly and Moonshine are hiding right now. Hardwon and Stunkbug you are now in this basement space with Skullis, his two tabaxi bodyguard guys, Reeva, and her right-hand kenku guy. Skullis turns to Reeva and says, "This your guy?" and he points to Hardwon. She looks up at him and says, "He's your guy. For the right price." Skullis laughs and says, "Alright, I'll take him." and he hands her a little pouch of gold. [As Skullis to Hardwon] "So I guess now you're one of my guys, huh? You're a user, and I don't like that, because I'm straight edge, okay?"

[Laughter]

Hardwon: "Really?"

DM Murph: "I get high on life."

Moonshine: Oh my god.

Hardwon: "You get high on life? That sounds so pure, but you make people fight to the death."

DM Murph: "I like gambling. I get high on watching people kill each other."

Hardwon: "I see."

Beverly: Wait a minute, Murph -

Hardwon: "I think drugs are a healthier habit, to be honest."

Moonshine: I think we should get this guy addicted to drugs.

DM Murph: Stunkbug, you remember this dude - you have a memory of this dude snorting a line of blue R. Cane and shooting lightning into your brother.

Stunkbug: Yeah.

DM Murph: So he says [to Hardwon], "Guess we're in business now, you're gonna be one of my guys. How's that sound?"

Hardwon: "Reeva. I'm one of your guys."

DM Murph: [As Reeva] "I - we...we work together."

Hardwon: "Reev,a are you really not gonna stand up for me right now?"

DM Murph: Skullis turns to you, Stunkbug.

Stunkbug: Sure.

DM Murph: And says, "Are you this guy's manager?"

Stunkbug: "Uh, yes. Yeah I'm his - I'm his manager."

DM Murph: "Cool. You work for me now."

Stunkbug: "In what way? How do we work for you?"

Moonshine: Are you really gonna go work for the guy who killed your brother?

Stunkbug: No, "What's your proposition? Make a proposition."

Beverly: He's gonna negotiate.

DM Murph: "Hey, this isn't a negotiation alright? You know what, on second thought, we don't need any middleman, okay? Hardwon's my fighter, but we don't need you, orc." And you see the tabaxi and the kenku start surrounding Stunkbug.

Hardwon: "Woah, woah, woah."

Stunkbug: Shall we just - do we just kill all these guys? There's only four of them.

Hardwon: "I work" -

DM Murph: Five of them.

Stunkbug: I'm trying to figure out - I'm just trying to think about Stunkbug's plan.

Hardwon: Fuck this -

Moonshine: If I had a dagger I would just start the fight probably.

Hardwon: "Hardwon Surefoot works for no one but himself. And Reeva."

[Laughter]

Stunkbug: "Okay, are we doing this?"

Hardwon: "Yeah we're doing this."

Stunkbug: Okay so the first thing I wanna do before combat starts - they're surrounding me? I wanna cast Sleep on the guys surrounding me.

DM Murph: Cool. Everybody roll initiative and we'll see who gets to go first.

Stunkbug: But I want to do it before initiative!

DM Murph: They know they're about to fight you.

Stunkbug: Ughh, but initiative hadn't started. I got a 17.

Moonshine: I got a 3.

Hardwon: I rolled a 12.

Beverly: I got a 3 too.

Hardwon: You know what? I'm also - I'm gonna chug my Duttle potion. That just restores my shit, right?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: Can it grow my beard back?

DM Murph: On your turn you can do that.

Hardwon: Fine. But I want it to grow my beard back.

DM Murph: These two tabaxi henchmen guys pull out vials [sniffs], snort 'em.

Beverly: Oh no.

Hardwon: Oh, they crazy.

DM Murph: One guy’s got a blue one and one guy’s got a red one. They go after -

Moonshine: I thought they were straight edge?

DM Murph: The only guy who said he was straight edge was Skullis.

Hardwon: And he was lying.

Beverly: No he's not lying, he's got the - oh wait he -

Hardwon: I thought you saw him snort some shit before?

Stunkbug: I'll say, "You're not straight edge, I saw you do drugs right before you killed my brother." and I think that sounds cool but it probably doesn't in real life.

Hardwon: It sounds cool.

DM Murph: [As Skullis] "I don't know who you are man...if I killed your brother I did it clear-headed, because I am straight edge, bro. I have not had a bump of this stuff."

Stunkbug: You know what -

Hardwon: Did this fucking professor plant a memory in your head of him killing your brother?

Stunkbug: Is this guy a hundred percent - can I just say, "You're Skullis, right? Your name is Skullis?"

DM Murph: "That's my name."

Stunkbug: "Okay. There's not - you're not like a twin?"

DM Murph: "Nope. That's me."

Stunkbug: Okay.

Beverly: Wait, hey -

DM Murph: "Guys we're gonna fight. My friends are swinging at you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you."

Hardwon: I'm just spouting off conspiracy theories.

DM Murph: Right okay, so this first guy who snorted this blue powder he's gonna swing on you. And he gets -

Stunkbug: He beat my initiative?

DM Murph: He did beat your initiative, he rolled a goddamn nat 20.

Stunkbug: Oh my god.

DM Murph: So 17. Does 17 hit you? What's your AC?

Stunkbug: 19.

DM Murph: He misses. He takes his second attack...and he misses big time! He whiffs big time.

Hardwon: Don't do drugs, kids.

DM Murph: The other guy takes a swing on you. And he is going to get a 16 to hit, he fucking misses. And he's gonna hit on the second one for - he scratches at you with his claws for 3 damage and then there's a burst of fire damage for another 7. So 10 damage total and then he's gonna roll for his wild magic shit. He gets red fire in his eyes but he contains it and he's okay.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: That is going to be you, Stunkbug.

Stunkbug: Okay. I'm going to cast Sleep on the two tabaxis that aren't Skullis.

DM Murph: Great. So you roll to see how much HP you can -

Stunkbug: Right, I roll 5d8. So that's how many HP I uh - I just wanna [shakes 5d8 into the microphone] - that's what 5d8 sounds like.

Hardwon: Nice. There's people pausing the show to jerk off to that.

[Laughter]

Stunkbug: Not that many HP of it.

Moonshine: 17.

DM Murph: 17? Nobody falls asleep.

Stunkbug: Goddammit. Supposed to use this shit on kobolds.

DM Murph: That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: [Surprised] Okay...I guess -

DM Murph: So you see Reeva's there, she's got a dagger out. You see this other kenku; they're swarming in on your boy there.

Beverly: Which side is Reeva on?

Moonshine: [Excitedly] The kenkus on our side?

DM Murph: The kenkus are not on your side.

Beverly: Uh.

Hardwon: Alright I'm gonna say, "Reeva! Get back! I'll protect you."

DM Murph: [As Reeva] "Do you not understand what's going on? I work with Skullis, that way when there's side prospects that come in, I bet on them so that we can't lose money so he -"

Hardwon: "We're gonna discuss this later Reeva, you and I - Reeva I know you feel something too. I am rich as fuck. Look at this gold. We're gonna kill this motherfucker and steal his gold -"

DM Murph: "Cool. I'm gonna kill you."

Hardwon: "I am - well that is a..." Hmm what do I do?

Beverly: "Reeva, wait in the car!"

Hardwon: That's a 15.

DM Murph: On one of the tabaxi guys?

Hardwon: Yeah one of the tabaxi guys.

DM Murph: Cool, that hits.

Beverly: What are the tabaxis names?

DM Murph: You don't know, you didn't ask them.

Hardwon: That is a 18. So I'd really like to know that guy’s name.

DM Murph: 18 damage?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah you fuck this guy right up and he yells, "Augh! My name's Mark!"

[Laughter]

Hardwon: "Fuck you, Mark!" Now is it possible for me to chug my Duttle potion?

DM Murph: Yeah. You do it, you get your things back, you also get all your health back.

Hardwon: Great. Can my beard come back?

DM Murph: Your beard also comes back after the nice rest.

Beverly: Woah!

Hardwon: That was all I fucking cared about.

Moonshine: That's actually kind of disappointing cause I kinda wanted to see how long it takes you to grow a beard.

Hardwon: [Jokingly] I can never regrow it.

DM Murph: It was a magical beard removal, it wasn't a real one.

Beverly: It was an enchantment.

DM Murph: Okay cool. That is going to be Skullis. He turns to you, Stunkbug, and he goes, "I'm gonna attack you with a clear head and a clear mind."

Stunkbug: “Oh my god. This guy's more annoying than I am!”

Hardwon: I hate straight edge -

DM Murph: And he goes "Kyah!" and he swings at you with a karate kick. And he crits!

Beverly: Jesus.

Stunkbug: Oh, he crits.

Moonshine: Dang, that clear head.

Hardwon: That's another "don't do drugs".

Beverly: Maybe he's onto something.

Stunkbug: Well yeah.

Beverly: Is he wearing a ‘DARE’ t-shirt?

DM Murph: No he's just wearing a leather jacket with nothing underneath. You know what he looks like? He looks like - did you guys play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the arcade game, it was that really buff, white panther guy? That comes out of the drill and fights you in the snow level?

Stunkbug: No, I don't remember this.

Hardwon: I think I remember that.

DM Murph: Yeah the snow cougar?

Beverly: Was he - oh he's another Mutagen guy yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah, actually, y'know what, it doesn't matter at all. He kicks you for 16 damage.

Beverly: Holy shit.

DM Murph: And he's gonna take another swing at you. He misses the second time, as he goes to roundhouse kick again, "Kyah! Hyah!" He goes to swing at you, you block it with your lance. And he takes one last swing -

Stunkbug: I have a lance just so everyone knows, I fight using a lance.

DM Murph: And he goes and he swings back round.

Hardwon: A Lance Bass.

DM Murph: He tries to sweep your legs out from underneath you, but you [fighting noise] block it again with the lance.

Stunkbug: Cool.

DM Murph: That is going to be... you, Moonshine. No one is seeing you.

Moonshine: I know.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You guys- whatever you guys do, you get to do with advantage because these people don't know that you're there.

Beverly: Oh hell, yeah.

Moonshine: Oh, for real?

DM Murph: Oh yeah.

Moonshine: Okay, I would like to throw an Ice Knife.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: At Skullis.

DM Murph: Dope.

Beverly: Ay!

Moonshine: 19.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: That hits.

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: You throw an ice dagger into Skullis' back.

Moonshine: Okay, so Skullis takes 4 damage-

DM Murph: 4 damage.

Moonshine: But then all of them do a dexterity saving throw or they'll take... 6 damage.

DM Murph: Okay. It's like fucking everyone pretty much.

Moonshine: Oh sorry, oh sorry. It's actually a 2nd level so it's 12 damage they'll take.

DM Murph: Damn.

Beverly: Wow.

DM Murph: Okay. He makes his save. The other two tabaxi make their saves. The kenkus fail their saves and... that's it.

Moonshine: Who's the guy who's right fucked up?

Hardwon: Mark.

Beverly: Mark.

DM Murph: Mark. He's super hurt.

Moonshine: Spores him for 3.

Beverly: Spores!

DM Murph: Finish him. He's dead.

Beverly: Yes!

Hardwon: Whoa!

Moonshine: Sweet! So, I'm just gonna do- I'm gonna wink at him.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: But as I wink, from my eye socket I secrete a little bit of juicy spores and they float in the air and then enter his ear and then infect his brain and then his brain, like, explodes and comes pouring out of his nose and his ears and his mouth.

DM Murph: Jesus.

Hardwon: I'm just like "Yeah, it sucks for you man, she usually kisses the people."

Moonshine: [Laughing]

DM Murph: The whole time he just thinks he's tripping. And he dies thinking that, so he died pretty peacefully for having such a horrible death. Okay, so one of those guys goes down. That is going to be... Beverly.

Beverly: Yay! My turn. Yeah, I think it's javelin time.

DM Murph: Go ahead, throw a javelin.

Beverly: I'm just gonna toss a javelin right at Skullis, if possible.

DM Murph: Go ahead. Throw it with advantage.

Beverly: ... That's a 19 plus 5. 24!

DM Murph: 24. That hits.

Beverly: Alright, cool... Ooh, that's a 9.

DM Murph: 9 damage?

Beverly: Yup.

Moonshine: Yeahhhh.

DM Murph: Okay, he is going to try to use his martial arts prowess to deflect the missile as a reaction.

Moonshine: Ugh, he's so annoying.

Beverly: Ugh.

Hardwon: I hate Skullis.

DM Murph: You throw it at him. He turns around at just the right time, he catches the javelin.

Beverly: Oh my god.

Stunkbug: What?!

DM Murph: ...and he spins it. He goes "Imagine all the things you could do with a clear mind."

Stunkbug: [Laughing]

Moonshine: "I really believe he's straight edge. Are you sure this is the guy who killed your brother?"

Beverly: "Wait-"

DM Murph: Then it is the kenkus’ turns.

Stunkbug: "Yeah I mean, he said his name was Skullis."

DM Murph: One of them-

Stunkbug: "But Beverly is also straight edge. Is he not?"

Hardwon: "Yeah."

Beverly: I had my first beer, last session.

Stunkbug: No!!!!!

Hardwon: Now he's addicted.

[Laughter]

Beverly: Wait, am I exposed at this point?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: Okay. So I think I shout back like "I respect your decision to be straight edge, but beer tastes super good!"

[Laughter]

DM Murph: "I wouldn't know. Never tried the stuff." That is gonna be the kenku.

Moonshine: "Says he's never tried it."

Stunkbug: "Beverly, I've seen this guy snort drugs!"

DM Murph: One of them tries to stab at Hardwon...he misses.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: You see Reeva [whoosh of wind] slips into the shadows...not that well. She rolled very poorly on her stealth check. You see she goes [half whispered] "Time for me to disappear," and then she...hides behind the tabaxi like really unconvincingly.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: "Good job, Reeva."

Beverly: "For sure."

Moonshine: "Yo, your girlfriend's not so bright!"

DM Murph: But then she tries to stab at Stunkbug. And she rolls a nat 1. She did terrible. Just this intimidating little-

Moonshine: "Hardwon, I think you can do better."

Hardwon: "That's my fucking girlfriend."

DM Murph: She goes to stab at you and she falls on her face. She just trips on the ground. Back around to that other tabaxi guy.

Beverly: Yo, she can squawk the squawk but she can't walk the walk.

Moonshine: Woah.

Stunkbug: She falls on her dagger and it impales her through the chin?

DM Murph: [Jokingly] Yep, she's super dead. No. No she's not.

Stunkbug: Awwww.

Beverly: Aww.

DM Murph: Okay, so this guy is going to- you know what, he's gonna snort some more drugs. He snorts some more drugs. It's not a good idea, but he's gonna do it.

Hardwon: I'm looking at Skullis-

Moonshine: I put on a bowler hat. I put on the blue bowler hat.

Hardwon: "Skullis, you keep bad company for a straight edge dude."

DM Murph: "Hey, you know what. I like to live on the wild side. For me, that means being straight edge. For other people, I gotta respect their choices."

Hardwon: "Weird world view."

Stunkbug: [Laughing]

DM Murph: So this guy, he just took a bunch of drugs and he is going to take a swing at, you know what, he'll take a swing at Hardwon, why not?

Hardwon: Yeah, why not?

DM Murph: He takes a swing; he misses. He takes a second swing - does an 18 hit you?

Hardwon: Yes.

Moonshine: You don't have the cloak anymore.

Hardwon: No cloak.

DM Murph: Okay. So he is going to hit you for...6 damage. And then with a burst of energy...he's gonna do another 14 damage.

Hardwon: Wow. That fucks.

Moonshine: What you at?

DM Murph: But now see he-

Hardwon: I had the potion actually.

DM Murph: You see he's like freaking the fuck out. I'm gonna roll- oh my god! He explodes.

Beverly: Oh.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Everyone- you know what, everybody roll a dexterity saving throw to see-

Moonshine: I'm like not there.

DM Murph: You know what, Beverly- you guys are fine. You guys need to roll a dexterity saving throw. Let's say you need to beat a...12.

Stunkbug: So it's a-

DM Murph: To get out of the way.

Stunkbug: It's d20 plus 1. Plus my dexterity modifier.

DM Murph: Plus your dexterity modifier.

Stunkbug: [nervous moan] Okaaay...

DM Murph: I wish I gave you dexterity instead of constitution.

Stunkbug: Okie doke. Here we go. Uhhhhh, pray for Stunkbuuuug... a 2. So I got a 3.

Moonshine: Ooh.

Beverly: Hey-

Hardwon: What do I have to roll?

DM Murph: Dexterity saving throw.

Moonshine: Just like 20 then add your dexterity.

Beverly: Wait, Stunkbug, you rolled a 2?

Stunkbug: I rolled a... yeah, yeah I rolled- yes.

Beverly: Welcome to the crew.

DM Murph: Welcome to the 2 Crew.

Moonshine: [gasp] Welcome to the 2 Crew!

Stunkbug: The 2 Crew? [Laughing]

Moonshine: 2 live crew.

Hardwon: That is a... I think that's a 10.

Beverly: 2 live fucking Crew.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Alright.

Moonshine: You both fail.

Hardwon: We both get hit.

DM Murph: You both fail-

Beverly: Uh-oh.

DM Murph: And...you guys, as this dude explodes, there's nothing left. You guys get hit with crazy arcane energy for...

Hardwon: I hate how much math you're doing right now.

DM Murph: 18 damage.

Stunkbug: Well I’m down.

Moonshine: Oh no!

DM Murph: You're down?

Beverly: Oh no.

DM Murph: You go down.

Stunkbug: Yeah, I had 16 hit points.

DM Murph: SKullis takes half of that. One of the kenkus explodes.

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: Reeva takes half of it. She got out of the way, but she looks...pretty damn fucked up.

Hardwon: "Reeva!"

Stunkbug: So what am I, unconscious, what-

DM Murph: You go down, yeah.

Stunkbug: Oh my gosh.

DM Murph: That is you Stunkbug. Stunkbug, give me a death saving throw.

Stunkbug: Okay, how do you do a death saving throw?

DM Murph: Um, just roll a d20.

Stunkbug: Alright.

DM Murph: Roll higher than a 10. 10 or higher.

Beverly: Jesus.

Stunkbug: Jesus Christ. Oh wait, no. Fell off the-

DM Murph: No, pick it up. Doesn't count.

Beverly: If it fell doesn't count. Doesn't count.

Moonshine: Doesn't count. Doesn't count.

Hardwon: Doesn't count. Unless it was a 20.

[Laughter]

Hardwon: That's a new rule. If your dice falls on the ground and it's a 20-

Moonshine: I think floor 20s count.

Hardwon: Yeah. Floor 20s count.

Stunkbug: A... 9.

Beverly: Oh.

DM Murph: 9. That's one fail, if you get three fails your character dies.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: He just goes down.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Alright, I'm gonna use Second Wind right now.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Hardwon, what do you do? How do you activate Second Wind this time?

Hardwon: Is it d- I'm-

Moonshine: Oh yeah, Hardwon, describe your Second Wind.

Hardwon: [Laughing] That's good. My beard is finally back and I just bring it up to my nose and I sniff it. Trying to clear my senses of the R. Cane that I did before.

Beverly: It reminds you of home.

Hardwon: And my fighter level's what now? 4?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: Great. So that is a 10 HP back to me.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Nice.

Moonshine: When his beard was regrowing did it look like a veggetti or a vegetable spiralizer? That it was just like swirling out of his face?

Beverly: It was like Play-Doh.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: Who is the closest to Reeva right now?

Moonshine: Oh my god, you're still going to protect her?

DM Murph: Probably you. You guys are kinda just all in the mix. It’s just Reeva and Skullis are there near you and Stunkbug. Moonshine and Bev are kind of off.

Hardwon: Alright.

Stunkbug: Stunkbug did a very poor job taking his vengeance. He challenged Skullis to a duel, was rejected. Started a fight. Tried to cast Sleep, failed, and was immediately knocked unconscious.

Hardwon: So, tell me if I can do this. Can I throw one of my new throwing axes as Scullis and then also give Stunkbug his Duttle potion?

DM Murph: Oh, you wanna give him like the long rest shit?

Moonshine: Oh, interesting?

Hardwon: Yeah, I wanna-

DM Murph: I'm gonna say that's gonna take you an action. So, you can't attack and do that.

Hardwon: Okay, fine, but I'm gonna do it for you, cause you gotta avenge your brother.

Stunkbug: Woo!

DM Murph: You fucking pop back up, full fucking health with your spells back. This item was overpowered, I shouldn't have given it to you. But there you are.

Stunkbug: Final Fantasy elixir plus Phoenix Down.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah, you- a fucking megalixir.

Hardwon: That's what we call a Deus Ex Murphina.

DM Murph: Yup. I fucked up. I did a bad job.

Moonshine: [Laughing]

Beverly: That's really good.

DM Murph: Alright.

Stunkbug: "Alright guys, I got-"

DM Murph: You pop back up. The stakes are gone.

Hardwon: When we got saved by the skin of Murph fucking up.

Stunkbug: I got 42 hit points, I got 3 fresh skill slots.

Moonshine: Oh my god!

DM Murph: The stakes are gone, bitch!

Beverly: I am saving my potion til the final boss.

Stunkbug: [uncontrollable laughter]

DM Murph: Great. Cool. Everyone- this is really cool.

Moonshine: Wait, did we all get one?

Hardwon: We're invincible this game!

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys have two more. Skullis is so pissed-

Hardwon: Honestly, let's all waste a turn just twirling our dicks around.

DM Murph: Skullis turns to you Hardwon-

Moonshine: I'm gonna purposefully- I'm gonna attack myself, just to use it.

Stunkbug: Don't give Skullis one of these potions guys.

DM Murph: Skullis turns to you, Hardwon, and says "What was that? Some kind of drug? You know what, it might feel good now, but in the long run, it'll ruin your life!"

Hardwon: "Don't take- don't get on a high horse! You are a murderer!"

DM Murph: He tries to claw at you. He misses with his claws.

Hardwon: "You kill people."

DM Murph: He takes another swing with his claws. He misses. He goes for a roundhouse kick. "Kyah!"

Hardwon: "Fuck you, man."

DM Murph: And he misses with his kick.

Moonshine: "Is this not so weird that he's like all about being straight edge and-"

Beverly: "Yeah."

Stunkbug: "I wanna force feed this dude some R. Cane."

Hardwon: "Maybe he-"

Beverly: A little up his nose

Moonshine: "Right? but also-"

DM Murph: That is you Moonshine.

Beverly: No, I think-

Moonshine: "Aren't you worried that-" so I wanna cast Mirror Image on myself.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: So I'm just gonna turn into- there's now four Moonshines.

Beverly: Did you just fucking Naruto?

Moonshine: [sings Naruto tune] Yep, I did.

Hardwon: That's awesome.

Beverly: Shadow Jutsu?

Moonshine: Yep.

Beverly: Hell yeah.

Moonshine: So, now there's four Moonshines. And then as my bonus action I'm just gonna Spores-

Hardwon: Not Mark, right? Mark's dead. Skullis?

Moonshine: Mark’s dead.

DM Murph: Everybody's dead except for Reeva and Skullis.

Hardwon: Oh. Everyone's gone except for Reeva and Skullis?

Stunkbug: Whoa, really?

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Don't you hit Reeva.

Moonshine: I'm going after Reeva!

DM Murph: Do it.

Stunkbug: Reeva's attacking us!

Beverly: No!

DM Murph: Spores her.

Moonshine: I go to Hardwon-

Hardwon: "You kill all my friends!"

Moonshine: "Did our kiss mean nothing?"

Stunkbug: "You got a weird-"

Moonshine: And then I Spores Reeva.

DM Murph: For 3.

Moonshine: For 3.

DM Murph: Cool. She's doing a bad job of hiding still. She's trying to hide behind everyone.

Moonshine: And now there's four of me.

Stunkbug: She's trying to hide behind a corpse of someone who's dead.

DM Murph: Yeah, she was trying to hide behind the dude who exploded and he exploded on her and now she's super hurt.

Moonshine: Also, all four Moonshines are doing a different form of dance. One is belly dancing-

Hardwon: Each one hotter than the next.

Stunkbug: It's very funny that you designed a battle with megalixirs and exploding bad guys.

DM Murph: [Laughing] Yeah, Skullis looks at you as four different people dancing and says, "If I didn't know for a fact that I wasn't on drugs, I would think I was on drugs right now. But, I live a clean lifestyle."

Moonshine: "I can't wait for the mountain of R. Cane that you're gonna be snortin'."

DM Murph: "Unlikely." So that was Moonshine, so that is you, Bev.

Beverly: Alright, cool. I'm going to Ensnaring Strike Skullis.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Alright. That's 11 plus- oh, my strength is 6 now, so plus 6. 17.

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Nice! Alright, so-

DM Murph: He goes to try to catch it, but it's magic so it doesn't work, but he does go "Kyah! Ha!"

Beverly: Does Skullis consider magic a drug?

DM Murph: No.

Hardwon: It's the only pure thing he could ask for.

Stunkbug: I do- I do out of character- In character I hate Skullis, out of character I love Skullis.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Stunkbug: I think he's great.

Moonshine: But I'm so confused, ‘cause you have a memory of him taking this- So, are you questioning this memory?

Stunkbug: I am questioning the memory a little bit, but this man says that he's Skullis so I'm like, I mean, I know him to be untrustworthy because he's a brother murderer.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: He's Skullis, for sure. He's Skullis.

Beverly: Can I?

Moonshine: So, do you trust your memory?

Stunkbug: Yeah.. Ohhh. Maybe I-

Moonshine: When your memory has already been fucked with?

Beverly: Yeah.

Stunkbug: Maybe I've been implanted memoryyyyy!

Beverly: Can I describe what I do?

DM Murph: Yes.

Beverly: Alright, so I have my sword out. I rip off my abstinence- no, I rip off my drug free-

Moonshine: You have an abstinence patch?

Beverly: No. Well, I do have that.

Stunkbug: I rip off my chastity!

Hardwon: That one's staying on!

Moonshine: I mean, I guess- honestly, everyone's born with an abstinence patch.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: You don't earn that you just unearn it.

Hardwon: That is beautiful.

DM Murph: He rips out his hymen.

[Laughter]

Stunkbug: [both amused and disgusted] Ohh!

DM Murph: Out of his ass.

Hardwon: And that's where we'll end our episode!

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Ass-hymenless.

Stunkbug: Oh no.

Beverly: I rip off my drug free patch and I launch forward. I slap it on him and then I stab at him with my sword. And then he's-

DM Murph: Dope. You would hit him, do your damage. Yeah.

Beverly: And then I do 10 damage.

Hardwon: Oh shit.

Beverly: And then he is Ensnared.

DM Murph: Okay. He goes "Ah. Kyah! Kyah!" He's just trying to get out of the vines. "Kyah! Ha! Hyah!"

[Laughter]

Hardwon: "Kyah won't help you now."

DM Murph: "Ha! Kyah!"

Beverly: "The only drug I need is Pelor... and also, beer, because I frickin’ love the stuff."

DM Murph: Stunkbug that's you. Oh wait, no no, wait. That's not you, that's Reeva.

Moonshine: Beverly just loves beer!

DM Murph: Reeva is gonna try to um-

Moonshine: We've been terrible influences on you.

DM Murph: -stab you in the back Hardwon.

Hardwon: Me?!

Moonshine: [gasp]

DM Murph: She sneaks around and-

Hardwon: "Et tu, Reeva?"

DM Murph: She fucking dinks off of you with her daggers. She sucks.

Hardwon: I just think she's trying to get my attention.

DM Murph: Guys, I don't know what the hell- She just rolled a damn 7.

Hardwon: "In a second, baby."

[Laughter]

Stunkbug: Oh, boy.

DM Murph: She's just stabbing at your butt with a dull dagger.

Hardwon: "One second, sweetling."

DM Murph: [as Reeva] "I am evil. I am an important drug lord." That is you, Stunkbug.

Stunkbug: Okay. How do you make a ranged spell attack, what is th-

DM Murph: You also, you've got- So Skullis is right there, you get advantage on attacks against him.

Stunkbug: Okay. Okay, so-

Beverly: Can I recommend that we hold on to him so we can interrogate him maybe?

DM Murph: You can do non-lethal damage whenever you guys finish, if that's what you guys want.

Beverly: He is ensnared, if you wanted to question him.

Stunkbug: Yeah, I don't wanna question him, I wanna murder him.

Beverly: Okay. Cool.

Stunkbug: I don't really have questions, I wanna kill him.

Hardwon: Yep.

Stunkbug: Okay, so I wanna cast Chromatic Orb.

DM Murph: Okay.

Stunkbug: Which allows me to hurl a four-inch diameter sphere of energy at a creature and I have to make a ranged spell attack to do it. I can choose: acid, cold, fire, lightning, poison, or thunder for the type of orb I create.

Hardwon: Damn.

Stunkbug: I think I choose acid-

Hardwon: I wanted you to choose acid.

Moonshine: Oh yeahhh!

Stunkbug: Because acid's a drug.

Moonshine: Yeah!

Hardwon: [laughs and gives a round of applause]

Stunkbug: I'm gonna make the chromatic orb specifically go up his nose, and-

DM Murph: [enthused] So he has to snort it?

Stunkbug: So he has to snort it, yeah.

DM Murph: Oh, the ultimate peer pressure. Do you make a ranged spell attack? How does that work?

Stunkbug: Yes, I make a ranged spell attack.

DM Murph: Okay, so you can do that with advantage because he's tied up with the vines.

Stunkbug: So I can go twice and-

DM Murph: You roll twice and pick the higher number.

Stunkbug: And then how do you make a ranged spell attack? Just what is the-

DM Murph: So that's gonna be your proficiency plus your intelligence modifier. So that'll be 4 plus 2, so plus 6.

Beverly: Wait-

Stunkbug: Okay.

DM Murph: Plus 6 to attack.

Stunkbug: Got it.

Beverly: Moonshine, couldn't you create like a hallucinogenic mushroom?

Stunkbug: Ohhh.

Hardwon: We should just drug this dude to death.

Moonshine: Yeah, I mean, I'm planning on not using my-

Stunkbug: I got a- I did a not good-

Beverly: Did I blow up your spot?

Moonshine: No, not really.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: On each roll?

DM Murph: So you did not good. Roll again. Because you have advantage. With advantage.

Stunkbug: Oh yeah, yeah. I forgot I got advantage, I got advantage. I did much better!

Beverly: Ay!

Stunkbug: I got a... uh, you said plus 6?

DM Murph: Yep.

Stunkbug: 19.

Hardwon: That's-

DM Murph: Dope. Roll your damage, you hit.

Stunkbug: My damage is 3d8.

DM Murph: Oh fuck. Roll it.

Stunkbug: Yeah, these are all d8s. Okay, great. This is the sound of 3d8s. [shakes dice in hand]

Hardwon: Fap fap fap fap fap.

[Laughter]

Stunkbug: Ooh. That's not bad. The exact average, three 4s. So I got 12 damage.

DM Murph: 12 damage? Okay. Acid goes up his nose. "Ah, that hurts, you're polluting my airways." And he looks pretty fucked up but he's still not on death's door, he's a pretty tough dude.

Stunkbug: Okay.

Beverly: He screams "I'm doing a marathon tomorrow!"

DM Murph: That is you Hardwon.

Hardwon: Cool.

Stunkbug: Does acid damage do any special - nah.

DM Murph: No.

Stunkbug: "Well, that's drugs. You did drugs!"

DM Murph: "I didn't do drugs!"

Stunkbug: "That was drugs! Drugs went up your nose and now you're high!"

DM Murph: "You're trying to push it on me, I'm not high!"

Stunkbug: "You're trippin' out right now because that's drugs!"

DM Murph: "You know what, I wouldn't even know if I was tripping. I wouldn't even know if I was tripping."

Stunkbug: "Acid went in your nose."

DM Murph: "You know what, I don't trip in the dojo-"

Hardwon: "You're a drug addict now."

DM Murph: "And I don't trip on drugs."

Hardwon: And that's a nat 20 from Hardwon, bitch!

Beverly: Ohh!!!

[crazy celebration and clapping]

DM Murph: Dude you get- you have the Brutal Critical thing too so roll 3d12s.

Beverly: Wow.

Hardwon: Oh shit.

DM Murph: Jesus, fuck, I gave you guys too much cool shit.

[Laughter]

DM Murph: Ugh, I'm sweatin'. I'm sweatin' over here.

Hardwon: 3d12s?

DM Murph: 3d12s.

Hardwon: Good load!

Beverly: Yeah, welcome to the new Band of Boobs.

Moonshine: Yeah, but it's giving me-

Hardwon: And that is... 6, 12, 11.

DM Murph: Total is what?

Hardwon: Uh... don't make me do this. Twenty-

Moonshine: 29, plus your modifier.

Stunkbug: 6, 12, 11?

DM Murph: Jesus.

Hardwon: 6-

Beverly: Listen-

DM Murph: 29 plus your modifier?

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah.

DM Murph: Do you wanna knock this guy out or kill him?

Hardwon: “What do you say?”

Moonshine: “Knock him out so we can-”

Stunkbug: “Knock him out so I can kill him.”

Beverly: “Yeah.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, fair, fair, fair.”

DM Murph: Tell me how you brutally knock this man out.

Hardwon: Alright, sweet. So i'm gonna stride up to him, and I'm gonna say "Hey, you motherfucker. You drug-addled piece of shit. The movie I was thinking about before was For the Love of the Game starring Kevin Costner. And the phrase I was thinking about was 'clear the mechanism.' And no one's gonna get that except for people who saw that movie but I'm gonna flip-"

DM Murph: "I love that film. I love-"

Hardwon: And right before he-

DM Murph: "I love going to movies with my friends."

Hardwon: I'd like to turn to Reeva and I say "This is for you, babe."

Moonshine: Oh my god.

Hardwon: Butt of my greataxe right to the- in between his eyes.

DM Murph: Jesus. Okay. Yeah, you crack his skull and he goes out. He passes out in the vines. You see Reeva sees this and she goes... [hesitantly] "Uh, good job, babe! Good job, hun!" And she just starts to back away.

Stunkbug: "Oh Reeva, are you dating now?"

Moonshine: I cast- I grab her.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: Oh my gosh.

Moonshine: I grab her and I say "If you're his babe, hang out, be his girlfriend."

Hardwon: "Yeah, Reev."

DM Murph: "Okay. Yeah... yeah."

Hardwon: "Come here."

DM Murph: "Yeah. Why don't we do that?"

Beverly: I pull out a cootie-catcher and start trying to ascertain their future.

Stunkbug: Yeah, I tie him up. I'm a bounty hunter so I tie him up quickly and effectively.

DM Murph: You tie up both of 'em or just uh...

Stunkbug: I don't really give- I think Reeva's suitably intimidated.

Moonshine: I got an eye on Reeva.

DM Murph: Okay, so Reeva's there. Moonshine's holding on to her threateningly. You guys now have Skullis tied up.

Stunkbug: I've got my quarry. Yeah.

DM Murph: Do you guys wanna say anything to Reeva before Skullis wakes up or do you kinda just wanna wake Skullis up, what do you guys wanna do?

Stunkbug: Um, what's my relationship with Oswald back at the bounty camp? Cause she was like all 'We got our guy.’ Is she expecting me to bring him back, or no?

DM Murph: You always bring back these addicts into the bubble. You bring them to the barracks, and then Captain Oswald herself brings them to a rehab centre.

Stunkbug: So there's not really-

Moonshine: I don't know, something fishy's going on in, like, the internal politics of this place.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Something shitty in this city.

Beverly: I think-

Moonshine: Something- "Y'all, there's something shitty in this city."

Stunkbug: "Yeah, you're right. We should- I wanna kill him but I wanna- but the stuff he was saying about being straight edge is just so weird. I wanna find out what's going on. But I wanna take him back to my apartment."

DM Murph: [Laughing] Oh my god.

Hardwon: "We finally get to go to your apartment!"

Stunkbug: [Laughing] Yes.

DM Murph: Amazing.

Hardwon: Where we wanted to go from the get-go.

DM Murph: So you- okay, you guys should put him in a bag or something. Just walking out with the most important guy.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Moonshine: Yeah, no, we'll put him in a bag. Can we put him in a keg? Is there like an empty keg around that we could put him in?

DM Murph: Yeah, you can find a keg.

Hardwon: We should be able to get one, you have the blue hat.

DM Murph: Yeah, you wanna like wheel a keg?

Moonshine: I have the blue hat.

DM Murph: You have the blue hat.

Moonshine: The blue bowler hat and put him in a keg and I'm like "All in a day's work."

DM Murph: You put the blue hat on. You lead these guys through the wall. You go up into the kitchen. You shove Skullis into a keg after dumping out some ale.

Hardwon: All into Beverly's mouth.

Moonshine: And then we need to roll him.

DM Murph: He's in a fucking keg. What do you guys do with Reeva?

Hardwon: I think, uh-

Stunkbug: “Kill her!”

Hardwon: “Yeah, that's cool. I'm gonna-”

Beverly: “What?!”

Moonshine: “You're okay with that? I was keeping her around because I wanted her to show her true colors.”

Hardwon: “No, I think we can do like a three way kiss with a -”

Moonshine: Okay.

Stunkbug: “This lady is a- this woman is a drug dealer and that's just more work for me if we don't kill her now, so you gotta kill her.”

Moonshine: Let's do-

Hardwon: “I have one true love, Reeva. And it's been good, it's been real, but it hasn't been real good.”

[Laughter]

Hardwon: That's not the exact phrasing of that, but we should kill her.

DM Murph: Cool.

Moonshine: I give her a sensual Spore kiss.

DM Murph: Jesus. Okay.

Beverly: “Hi-”

DM Murph: Mushrooms explode out of her brain. There's just a mass murder scene in his kitchen. You guys have Skullis in a barrel.

Beverly: “Hey-”

Stunkbug: Okay, we take him back to my apartment.

Hardwon: Which is a really nice place by the Space needle.

Stunkbug: Yes it is.

Moonshine: Everyone- we're just rolling it.

Beverly: Yeah.

Stunkbug: [Laughter] Yes it is. It's like the Fraisier theme plays, but not the end theme, the opening theme where you see the silho- You see the skyline of, what's the name of the city?

Hardwon: Seattle.

DM Murph: [Laughing] Seattle!

Hardwon: [Singing the Frasier theme tune] Tossed salad and scrambled eggs!

DM Murph: You just hear the sound of a barrel rolling as we cut to the Seattle skyline.

Stunkbug: We see the little- we see the subtitle, you know like the card over black-

Hardwon: [singing] I hear the blues are calling-

Stunkbug: ...of like Skullis, we hardly knew ye or whatever... [fades out to the main theme]

DM Murph: [dub over in post] And we're gonna end our session there guys. We'll pick up there in Ezry. Next time, we'll be joined by Adam Connover for the last episode of our little Ezry arc.

Beverly: Oh my goodness.

Hardwon: The final installment.

DM Murph: The final installment. Guys, watch Adam on Adam Ruins Everything Presents Reanimated History, Tuesdays at 10:30 on TruTV and check out Adam playing games on twitch.tv/AdamConover.

Moonshine: And, if you wanna help us out, you can leave a review. Or better yet, steal your friend's phone and subscribe to Not Another D&D Podcast.

Hardwon: What did you call- you called it stealth roll?

DM Murph: Stealth roll.

Hardwon: That's a stealth roll.

Moonshine: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Give us a review. Roll for stealth.

Hardwon: Yeah. That's where you steal your friend's phone and subscribe to our show.

DM Murph: Guys, give us a five star review and let us know who you want a shoutout from. We do shoutouts at the end of the show.

Moonshine: Oh my god. You could also, from your friend's phone, if they're taking a while in the bathroom, like taking a shit. You could leave a five star review on your friend's-

Beverly: Oh yeah.

Hardwon: Absolutely. We'll shout out your friend.

Moonshine: [Laughing] We'll shout out your friend.

Beverly: Actually-

Hardwon: And say whatever you want, to your friend.

Beverly: Next time you're playing truth or dare with your friends, obviously do dare and then force them to leave a five star review of our show.

Hardwon: How many people play truth or dare with their friends still?

Beverly: I mean, I feel like we've got some highschoolers in the crowd.

Moonshine: It's weird. Whenever you hang out with Caldwell he brings up truth or dare.

DM Murph: He's always daring us to do stuff.

Moonshine: He's always like, 'So... do you wanna watch a movie or play truth or dare...'

Hardwon: Movie sounds good.

Beverly: I just like...

Hardwon: Uh... my DVD player's broken actually so...

Beverly: Uh, I don't have Netflix but I do have... a little game called truth or dare!

DM Murph: Guys, follow us on Twitter. @chmurph is me, @caldy is Caldwell, @eaxford is Emily, @JakeHurwitz ia Jake. Check us out on the subreddit /rNotAnotherDNDPodcast.

Hardwon: Oh yeah!

Beverly: We're in there.

DM Murph: Join the conversation. Yeah, we're up in there. And tweet about the show, guys. #NADDPod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

All: [singing Youth of the Nation by POD] We are we are, the youth of the nation. We are we are... [fades out]