Strike True

The party faces off against the White Rose of Galaderon -- Galad Rosell! Can the Band of Boobs defeat one of the greatest swordsman in all of Bahumia? Bev calls upon the power of his big buff Santa Claus god, Moonshine discovers the true power of Rosaline, and Hardwon makes an impossible choice.

General Notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

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DM Murph: Welcome to the campaign after the campaign, this is Not Another D&D Podcast. Welcome back to Bahumia everyone.

All: Bahumiaaaaa.

DM Murph: I'm your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz,

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Emily Axford,

Moonshine: Moonshine Cybin, investigative rapport-er. Spelled R-A-P-P-O-R-T-E-R.

DM Murph: That's the best one.

Beverly: Yeah.

Moonshine: Thank you.

DM Murph: Caldwell Tanner, you're gonna have to follow that...

Beverly: Beverly Toegold the fifth, former president of the Galad Rosell fan club.

Hardwon: I like it, on the spot!

DM Murph: Ooh, that was good.

DM Murph: Yeah, That was really good

Beverly: As a lead-in.

DM Murph: Yeah, so guys, let's do a quick recap, and by quick, I mean this very long paragraph I wrote.

Last week you guys used your duergar drill car to bust through the ceiling of Old Cragwater, but not before Beverly threw a stick of dynamite at the Cragwater Keep, awakening a sleeping mithril dragon. You guys defeated the dragon with the help of your dope drill car, then burst through the floor of the Galederon Dungeon. There you were attacked by several Chosen Knights as well as The Crag, the king's bodyguard. You defeated the knights, then Bev redeemed his previous loss by dueling and defeating The Crag.

After interrogating The Crag and a Chosen Knight, you learned that the Chosen were working with some members of the royal family in a plot to take the city for themselves. Galad Rosell then revealed himself and offered you Bev's beaten and shackled father in exchange for you leaving without causing a further scene. Galad explained that Thiala had returned to Galaderon and that she had ascended to godhood.

She was the god that the Chosen have been waiting for and she plans to reveal herself to the public later that day. Galad said in more-or-less terms that today was not only an execution for Bev's dad, but for anyone who opposed them: the Green Knights, the White Knights, and the royal family were unknowingly walking into a setup. You guys then elected to fight Galad Rosell. We'll see how that turns out.

Moonshine: Hell yeah!

Hardwon: Fuck you!

DM Murph: So Galad has been Ray of Enfeebled by Moonshine, which means he will do half damage on his regular greatsword damage

Moonshine: [triumphantly] Ha-ha!

DM Murph: I will do saving throws for him at the end of his turns and I'll mention it if he breaks the spell. You guys also took the blue cap mushrooms last week that Schubert gave you, which gives you the Blessed buff so you can add a d4 to your attacks and some temporary HP.

Moonshine: And it makes it makes The Doors sound like a more interesting band than they are.

DM Murph: So that's where we are. You guys are in the lowest level of the Galaderon dungeon. It's very dark except for these torches’ lighting. You guys are charging at Galad Rosell. Everybody roll Initiative.

Moonshine: Gladly, bitch.

Hardwon: Galad-ly indeed.

Moonshine: Galad-ly!

Hardwon: 22 for me.

Moonshine: [to Hardwon] Ooh! That's a 10 for me. I'll hang back.

Beverly: That's a 4 for me.

Moonshine: I gotta hang back, so I can concentrate on Enfeebling this piece of shit.

Beverly: I'm still a little shook up.

Hardwon: What's Ol' Cobb roll?

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb got a damn 22.

Beverly: Ol' Cobb coming out strong!

Moonshine: Yeah, Ol' Cobb!

DM Murph: I would think Ol' Cobb would be kind of in the back, because he's a range fighter. So Ol' Cobb's kind of hanging back while probably Bev and Hardwon in the front.

Beverly: Yep.

DM Murph: Galad meets you guys in the middle. Hardwon, you act first.

Hardwon: Great. Swinging down on this mother-wannabe-fucker. That's an 18, but I get to roll a d4.

DM Murph: 18 hits anyway.

Hardwon: 20. Oh, sweet.

Moonshine: Oh, sweet.

Beverly: Oh damn. He went down in one blow.

Hardwon: [away from the mic] Good lord. I'm nervous to fight Galad, I dropped the dice twice.

DM Murph: [as Galad: a whiny, nasally voice] "You could be on the side of the Chosen, you've already helped us catch your mother."

Hardwon: [deadpan] Fuck you, that's an 18 damage for you.

Moonshine: [triumphant laughter] Oh, that's good.

Hardwon: I'm gonna take my second attack.

DM Murph: "You're only a little bit weaker than your father. You should be proud. You're like half a pirate."

Hardwon: Fuck. That one did probably did get to me, that's only a ten.

DM Murph: You swing so emotionally and he deftly dodges you. That is Ol' Cobb.

Moonshine: Ol' Cobb!

Hardwon: Oh wait, actually I'm gonna do my Second Wind here.

DM Murph: Okay, great.

Hardwon: So I'm gonna get some HP back.

Beverly: Oh, that's gonna put you in a good spot.

DM Murph: So that is Ol' Cobb. Ol' Cobb says, "Ehh, that's a fucked up thing to say about my friend's old man there, I'm gonna shoot you in the face you son of a bitch.”

Hardwon: "I knew I liked you for a reason Ol' Cobb!"

DM Murph: He takes a shot at him... he misses on his first shot. Just blunderbuss echoing through the prison.. and he misses on his second attack. Galad dodges out of the way. That is Galad's turn. Galad swings on you Hardwon, as you see Rosaline glow with like a white-gray necrotic flame.

Hardwon: Strike false.

Beverly: Is it kind of like fun colored flame?

DM Murph: And he says, "When I inevitably hit you with this because I'm the greatest swordsman in all of Bahumia, you will be blinded, but it'll be different than when I blinded Beverly's dad, [slowly getting quieter toward a conspiratorial whisper] because I'm not blessed right now by the goddess.”

Hardwon: “So he blinded your dad.”

Moonshine: Y'all I'm worried. This is gonna be like when in Final Fantasy VII when you fight with Sephiroth for the first time and you're like, 'what the FUCK?'

Beverly: [crosstalk] And he does like all those spells.

DM Murph: So he does hit you. Oh, he hits you for half of his regular damage

Moonshine: [triumphantly] Ha-ha! ‘Cause he's enfeebled!

DM Murph: So that's 4 regular damage plus 3d8 Smite damage and make a Constitution saving throw or you're blinded.

Beverly: Does Enfeeblement, is that kind of like you just did like a lot of squats and then you're kind of shaky?

Moonshine: Oh, I think it makes you feel like you're coming down with the flu.

Beverly: Oh, that's bad. Yeah, you get all sweaty?

Hardwon: "You're not as powerful as you thought, Rosell." That's a 23.

Moonshine: [clapping and cheering]

DM Murph: So you resist it. He does do another 15 damage to you.

Hardwon: “That did hurt a little bit, but I can see how big of a bitch you are.”

DM Murph: [as Galad, nervously] "How are you not blinded by the light?"

Beverly: "Maybe your light isn't as pure as you think!"

DM Murph: So he blasts into you with this and he swings again with Rosaline. "It doesn't matter if you're not blinded. Rosaline always strikes true!" And he's gonna hit with that, that's a 21 to hit.

Hardwon: Ooh, that hits.

DM Murph: He's also going to use Divine Smite. So he's gonna expend a spell slot. So he only does 4 damage because it's halved and then he does another 10, another 14 damage.

Hardwon: Okay.

Beverly: What are you at?

Hardwon: Ten.

DM Murph: And he takes his third attack. And that is a 17 to hit.

Hardwon: That does hit.

Beverly: Oh fuck! [panicked laughter] Wait! Oh!

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora…”

DM Murph: That's another nine, halved to four. And then he's gonna Divine Smite for another five. So another nine.

Hardwon: Oh, wow. That's it. That puts me at one.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: [huge sigh of relief]

DM Murph: [as Galad] "Still standing. How is this possible?"

Hardwon: "I'm in a lot of fuckin' pain, you little loser!”

DM Murph: "It took two rounds to take your dad down."

Beverly: "Just two?! That's not that much!"

DM Murph: "We also, admittedly, there were a couple guys with me and some people were helping a little bit. We had a cleric, we had a whole little team, okay? But still I'm I'm the best swordsman in all of Bahumia."

Hardwon: "Sounds like my dad."

DM Murph: That is Moonshine's turn.

Moonshine: Moonshine's gonna kind of stroll up pretendin’ like she's just there to talk to Galad. She's kind of behind Hardwon though. "Galad, it's crazy, you kept saying Rosaline and I kept being like oh, this is ringing a bell for me. And I remember now! We got a Rosaline down by the Crick!"

DM Murph: "I hope she doesn't have Crick Rot because we're gonna wipe out all those who are unclean."

Moonshine: [conversationally] "No, actually, she's a real rotten woman. I mean she got evicted from her stump. She was squatting at a Beaver Dam. They evicted her."

DM Murph: [annoyed] "I don't know how stupid- just do whatever you're gonna do."

Moonshine: Okay, and then I put my hand on Hardwon.

DM Murph: "My turn is over, I can't hit you right now."

Moonshine: "Okay, well-" And then I put my hand on Hardwon and and I give him a Cure Wounds, only a level one cuz I ain't got much left. Oh, wait, if I Cure Wounds does that ruin- can I not Cure Wounds-

DM Murph: If it takes concentration it ruins your-

Moonshine: Then I'm just gonna shove a healing potion down his throat.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Great. Moonshine just walks up behind Hardwon, pretends to be giving a speech to Galad then cracks open an ice-cold healing potion and pours it down his gullet while he's just bleeding out.

Moonshine: [rolls dice] 11.

Hardwon: [smacking his lips]

Beverly: Just baby bottles him.

Hardwon: Thank you.

Moonshine: It's 11, and then I'm gonna real quick spores Galad.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: Be like, “Alright, fuck you!” [imitates hocking a loogie and spitting it]

Hardwon: That dude admitted to giving people Crick Rot.

DM Murph: [as Galad to Moonshine] "Disgusting!"

Moonshine: Jesus, did he?!

Beverly: No, he just said that he wanted to-

DM Murph: "I didn't give them Crick rot!"

Hardwon: "You said you were going to-"

DM Murph: "No, they're damned by fiends, that will destroy them."

Moonshine: "What do you know about these fiends? Nah, fuck it. Take three damage!"

DM Murph: He took three damage.

Moonshine: Can I also Rapport Spores him?

DM Murph: No, you already used your Rapport Spores for the day. It's gone now.

Moonshine: You don't think I got a huge loogie’s worth of Rapport Spores just danglin' in my sinus cavity?

DM Murph: According to your character sheet, you don't.

Hardwon: She did take some for her spores library at one point.

DM Murph: That is Beverly.

Beverly: Okay. "Moonshine, Hardwon, watch my dad!" And I rush forward.

Moonshine: "Sure thing."

DM Murph: [as Galad, tauntingly] "Watch your dad what, be knocked out?"

Beverly: "I said that in my head! Oh my god, he can read minds!"

DM Murph: "Sorry, I talk to a lot of people and they say I'm really intuitive."

Beverly: So I rush up to him and with my Fuck Galad Rosell sword, I hold it aloft and I say, "This sword has a new name now! A proper name! Behold the shining light of Hardshine!"

Hardwon: [proudly] "Nice, dude!"

Beverly: And I slash at him.

DM Murph: Make an attack.

Moonshine: With your Bless!

Beverly: Yeah, with my Bless, don't worry.

Moonshine: Y'all been blessed by mushrooms!

Hardwon: I done got blessed.

DM Murph: Schubert helped, guys.

Hardwon: Yeah, love Schubert.

Moonshine: Oh, little Schubert, thank you Schubert.

Beverly: Alright, that's a 22.

DM Murph: 22, that hits.

Beverly: Okay, great.

Moonshine: "Haha! Try and weasel your way out of that one, Galad."

DM Murph: "I don't weasel out of anything!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, right."

Beverly: Alright, that's gonna be 12 on my first hit.

DM Murph: Go for your second hit. [as Galad, desperately] "Beverly you had so much potential. You could meet Thiala! You could serve Thiala! You could serve a god."

Beverly: [panting, frantic and nervously] "I'll still..."

DM Murph: "Where is your big dumb buff Santa Claus now?"

Beverly: "Pelor is the one true god! Thiala... [panting] I hate to say it but... She's stealing the light for herself!"

[beat of silence]

Moonshine: [gasps]

Beverly: And I attack again.

Moonshine: [in awe] “Oh, kill your idols is right.”

Hardwon: “Kill your idols.”

Beverly: As I'm preparing my second swing I rear back and I say, "You know, there's a little saying in the

Green Teen handbook about this very thing!" and as I begin to swing I recite:

"Cling not to the strength of an idols light;

Their torch will crumple under Pelor's right.

So if they claim to wield this might,

Then they must die in a HOLY FIGHT!"

DM Murph: [amused] Roll with advantage.

Beverly: Alright.

Hardwon: [proudly] "Callooh Callay."

Moonshine: "Y'all, callooh callay! Not to mention young Bev if you pull this off, guess what, we are writing a song.”

[beat as dice roll]

Moonshine: [quietly] That's gonna hit to begin with...

DM Murph: Oh, dope.

Moonshine: Now we're just rolling for nat 20-

[all burst into cheering and clapping]

Moonshine: Oh my god!

Hardwon: Yeah!

DM Murph: Holy shit!

Beverly: [muffled like he's covering his mouth] Oh my god... “Pelor, Pelor!”

Hardwon: It was right, it was right, it had to happen.

Beverly: “Callooh Callay!”

DM Murph: Moonshine, Hardwon, and Ol' Cobb, as you guys are looking at Beverly swinging you feel like you can see the ghost of this big buff Santa Claus, super tanned and in a bathing suit, swinging a beach ball along with Beverly swinging his sword, strike true into Galad. Go ahead and roll your damage and if you Divine Smite or something that doubles the damage as well, because it's a crit. You just roll all your damage.

Hardwon: I just lightly prop up Bev's dad so that he can at least see it.

Daddy Murphy & Beverly: [in unison] He's blinded!

Hardwon: No!

Beverly: That makes this easy, Divine Smite, baby.

DM Murph: Okay, roll. Yeah roll your d8s for your longsword twice, roll... 4d8s for your damn Divine Smite.

Hardwon: So that's 6d8s?

DM Murph: Yep, 6d8s plus your modifier.

Beverly: Alright, so that's 28 plus seven is, uh...

DM Murph: Jesus, thirty-five?!

Beverly: Thirty-five damage!

Hardwon: Damn dude!

DM Murph: Wow, yeah.

Beverly: "We'll see whose light is brighter."

Moonshine: "Ooh, little youngin, you're making a good case for yours!"

Hardwon: "We're his fucking Scoutmasters!"

DM Murph: "Well your light’s about to be snuffed out! Even if you survive here, you'll be the last of the Green Knights."

Beverly: "The Green Knights will never die. Our roots go deep!"

DM Murph: "Oh, yeah. Well the Green and White Knights are gonna be attending the pre-execution brunch in the Great Hall and, spoiler alert: they're not gonna make it out." That is back around to Hardwon.

Hardwon: Sweet. I'm gonna nod at Bev. "Nice work, feeling inspired."

Beverly: “Did you get it? Hard is part of your name!”

Hardwon: 22 to hit.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: Nice.

Beverly: Cool.

Hardwon: 10.

DM Murph: 10 damage. Slash right into him.

Beverly: "Pretty good, sir."

Hardwon: [laughing insecurely] “Yeah! It's no Pelor thing, but god do I hate this guy."

Moonshine: "I mean maybe you just need some kind of deity, right?"

Hardwon: "That's it. Shit. I'm gonna start believing in Moradin again." I'm taking my second attack on him.

Beverly: "You should try being a Pelor-head like me."

Hardwon: "I'm good." That was 26.

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Alright!

Hardwon: Another 10.

Moonshine: Woo!

Hardwon: And this guy killed my parents and he's been talking about it a little bit, so I think I'm gonna use my Second Wind-

DM Murph: Or your Action Surge?

Hardwon: My Action Surge, yeah. "Tell me one more time about how you killed my dad?"

DM Murph: "Well, you see your parents got married and that that wasn't right."

Hardwon: "Actually shut up." That's a 21 to hit.

[laughter]

Hardwon: 11.

DM Murph: Yeah, that hurts him.

Hardwon: "Okay, so sorry what you were saying? My dad my mom, got married-"

DM Murph: “I was saying, your dad, your mom- your dad somehow tricked her- he's a charlatan- into falling in love with him for some reason-"

Hardwon: 18 hits, right?

DM Murph: Yes.

Hardwon: "Alright, well... shut up again?"

Beverly: "Like my dad always says this guy runs his gob too much"

Hardwon: 13

DM Murph: 13 damage.

Moonshine: Yo, we just watch Hardwon smack him four times in a row.

Hardwon: I hit him every single time. [imitates hitting noise] With an axe.

Beverly: Yeah

Hardwon: Is it alright if I take a gander at Bev's amulet?

DM Murph: We'll allow it.

Hardwon: I roll two hit dice-

DM Murph: Two hit dice, Constitution modifier twice.

Beverly: "May the joy of Pelor fill your heart. It's five o'clock somewhere!"

DM Murph: That is Ol’ Cobb. "Yeah, I agree, I think this fool is running his gob too much, might have to go ahead and shoot that pretty gob off."

Beverly: "Save those teeth for me!"

Hardwon: "You're the man, Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: And he hits! Ol' Cobb hits and he's going to use his three times a day ability to do an extra d10 of damage.

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, where you been hidin' these abilities?"

DM Murph: "Hey, you know what, before we were fighting some real freaking wieners so I figured I'd save it."

Hardwon: "You didn't want to use this on the goat men, Ol' Cobb?"

DM Murph: "Believe it or not. I did not."

Beverly: "Would have been funny."

DM Murph: Okay, damn, fifteen damage from Ol’ Cobb and his first shot: boom, shoots Galad right in the shoulder. Ol’ Cobb is going to shoot again... And he crits!

Hardwon: “Yes, Cobb!”

Beverly: [chanting] Cobb, Cobb, Cobb!

Hardwon: [joins in chanting] Cobb, Cobb, Cobb!

Hardwon: "You still got it old man!"

Moonshine: "You know at the Crick when Cobb crits, you put it on a spit and roast it over a fire."

Hardwon: Gotta love a Cobb crit.

Moonshine: Gotta love a Cobb crit!

Hardwon: Corn on the crit.

Beverly: Love that crit.

DM Murph: And he does 11 damage. Galad is looking pretty fucked up.

Moonshine & Beverly: [excitedly] Ooooh!

Hardwon: Sweet.

Moonshine: But it's his fucking turn.

DM Murph: And that is Galad's turn.

Moonshine: Who is Galad gonna go after, cuz you know, I was talking some smack about Rosaline down at the Crick.

DM Murph: Cool. I'm gonna say alright, he's gonna try to take you guys all out in one fell swoop.

Moonshine: Oh, Melora...

DM Murph: He's got two third level spell slots.

Hardwon: Oh boy.

DM Murph: He's got three attacks.

Beverly: Hmm.

DM Murph: He's got a lot of smites that he can do. So we're gonna first off go after Hardwon.

Hardwon: Why not?

DM Murph: "Seventeen hit? Does that hit?"

Hardwon: [bored] "Yeah, it hits, man."

DM Murph: "You should learn to wear armor, you poor piece of shit."

Hardwon: "You should- I mean just like-"

Moonshine: "Classism? And here I thought you were a friend of the Cricks!"

Hardwon: “If you did some breathing exercises, you could probably do some stuff to like make your nasally voice a bit more attractive.”

DM Murph: Twelve damage halved to six.

Hardwon: [quietly] Oh thank god.

DM Murph: And then he's going to third-level Smite you.

Beverly: Oh.

DM Murph: For another twelve.

Beverly: How you doing?

Moonshine: How you feeling?

Hardwon: I'm okay.

DM Murph: Second swing.

Moonshine: Whoo! You know, I was starting to breathe like him. It was all in my chest. I wasn't getting the big belly full.

Hardwon: Yeah, I was nervous too.

DM Murph: That's a 16 to hit.

Moonshine: Oh, Melora... That's still you, Hardwon.

Beverly: Does that hit?

DM Murph: 16 hits.

Hardwon: Oh, yeah that hits.

DM Murph: Okay. He's going to use…

Beverly: I'm sorry. I couldn't Shield of Faith you.

Moonshine: It's okay. I don't think you have anything to apologize for after your last turn.

Hardwon: Yeah, you're good.

DM Murph: Thirteen damage halved, so six.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: Plus another sixteen.

Hardwon: Wow. Okay. Got it. I'm still up.

Moonshine: Are you?!

DM Murph: Oh shit!

Hardwon: Not by a lot.

DM Murph: [deliberately] He takes his third attack.

Moonshine: “Oh, Galad, I need you to miss!”

DM Murph: ...He crits.

Hardwon: No!

Beverly: God dammit!

Moonshine: “No, I said miss, not crit!”

Hardwon: “You misheard her!”

Beverly: Everyone crittin'.

Moonshine: He miss...es the Chosen, and he runs back to them.

Hardwon: Okay, whatever you do, I'm down.

DM Murph: You're down?

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm definitely down.

DM Murph: He's gonna try to kill you with this shot.

Beverly: [suddenly panicked] Oh, no!

Moonshine: [quietly] What?

DM Murph: He's gonna try to do negative your hit points.

Beverly: Oh, god.

Hardwon: Oh, he won't be able to do that.

Beverly: P-probably.

Moonshine: Well, if he's using a spell...

DM Murph: Well, he just crit and he's gonna do his Smite. I don't know how if that's how Smite works, but we did it for Beverly. So, we're gonna do it for Galad.

Hardwon: How dare you?

Beverly: House rules baby!

DM Murph: Okay on his regular crit damage 9... 16 plus... 21, halved. To 11.Okay?

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: Okay, 11 damage so far.

Hardwon: Hate the amount of math that you're doing.

Moonshine: How many Smites this motherfucker got?

DM Murph: And another 24 damage.

Hardwon: So 11 plus 24?

DM Murph: Yeah, 35.

Hardwon: 35 total?

DM Murph: Yep.

Hardwon: There's no more coming.

DM Murph: Yeah, he doesn't-

Hardwon: I'm not auto-dead then.

DM Murph: No, he used all his-

Moonshine: I see Hardwon go down, but I know via Rapport Spores that he's not actually dead.

Beverly: Oh nice.

Moonshine: And I'm just like, "Galad, you thought you could take him out?"

DM Murph: "I'll take you all out."

Hardwon: Look how thick his legs are, he's lying on the ground, but his legs are-

Moonshine: You could still see the healthy blood pumping through those thick calves.

Beverly: “Is that all you got? Just the ability to render him unconscious?”

Hardwon: My last words should be ‘is that all you got?’

DM Murph: "If I survive till next turn. I'm going to kill him."

Hardwon: Of course.

Beverly: "We'll see."

Moonshine: "How?"

DM Murph: "By just slashing him while he's knocked out on the ground." That is Moonshine’s turn.

Moonshine: [tired, drawn out] Motherfucker.

Beverly: Melora. Pelora-Melora.

Moonshine: Oh Melora, I don't want to get rid of the Ray of Enfeeblement on him but I feel like I need to bring Hardwon back up.

Beverly: Let me do it. I got my Touch Hands.

Moonshine: Okay, then, you know, I'm just gonna Chill Touch- Oh, no, that's gonna be a spell. I can't do anything except for try to hit him and spores him. That's all I can do. So I'm just gonna try and hit Galad.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: So as not to interrupt the concentration of his Enfeeblement. Sixteen gonna- Oh, wait-

DM Murph: Oh, right, bless.

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: Just don't roll a one.

Beverly: She rolled a one!

DM Murph: She rolled a one.

Hardwon: No!

Moonshine: Is that gonna hit?

DM Murph: Nope.

Hardwon: Damn.

Moonshine: And I at least spores him and I say, "You know Rosaline down at the Crick, she actually got kicked out of the whistle choir."

DM Murph: "I don't care."

Moonshine: "It's crazy because you know, she had she had no teeth so you can't whistle if you have no teeth-"

DM Murph: "I don't care."

Moonshine: "You need at least a couple teeth-"

DM Murph: "Shut up!"

Moonshine:. "-to whistle through-"

DM Murph: -that's Bev's turn.

Moonshine: "-to turn your mouth into a woodwind."

Beverly: I look at him and I say, "I have a painting of you and me, at my tenth birthday party. You were the entertainment!"

DM Murph: "And I treasure that memory Beverly. You could join me now."

Beverly: "You've tainted that memory worse than Crick Rot." And I Touch Hands Hardwon, to heal him.

Hardwon: "Hey, what's up?"

Beverly: And then-

Hardwon: "What'd I miss?"

Beverly: - as a bonus-

Moonshine: "Also, young Bev. You know, remember, um, Crick Rot, we don't want to stigmatize it."

Beverly: "That's true. That's very fair. Those were hurtful words. I apologize."

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Yeah, I would agree, guys."

Beverly: [quickly] "It's all about learning, it's a journey about learning." Okay, so I Touch Hands Hardwon. Okay, so that's gonna be-

DM Murph: That's five times your level, right?

Beverly: So, yeah, that's twenty-five.

Hardwon: Twenty-five back to me? That's what's up.

Beverly: Yeah, and as a bonus action, can I feed the R. Cane to Hardwon?

Moonshine: “Oooh, youngin, you wild.”

DM Murph: [incredulous] You know what, I'll let you roll like an Acrobatics check to see if he can just do it fast as fuck, like, heal him while letting him snort it?

Hardwon: I'm always sort of trying to get to the R. Cane.

Beverly: I gotta touch his hand.

DM Murph: Okay, you're touching his hand, yeah, as you're going in for it-

Moonshine: It does seem like it would just be magnetically drawn to Hardwon's mouth.

Hardwon: Yeah, like basically as I woke up, I was reaching for the R. Cane anyway.

Beverly: This is his spinach.

DM Murph: Great.

Beverly: Do you need me to roll or...?

DM Murph: Yeah, let's have you roll.

Hardwon: [singing a jingle] Hardwon the R. Cane man!

DM Murph: It won't be a tough DC. DC ten.

Beverly: That's a twelve.

DM Murph: Twelve, you did it.

Beverly: Woo! Alright.

DM Murph: So you essentially Lay Hands him by pouring drugs into his nose.

Hardwon: [speaking very quickly] “I was dead a second ago. Hey, what's up? How's it going? I've got a lot of great ideas I want to talk to you guys about! Let's go! Let's fucking kill this guy!”

DM Murph: [as Galad] "Beverly what did I tell you about drugs during that school trip? There was a whole presentation!"

Beverly: "The only thing I'm daring to resist is your rotten influence."

Moonshine: "Yeah, not to mention I think you can't be smug about drugs when you murder people."

Beverly: "It's true."

DM Murph: "I don't murder them. I defeat enemies of the Light."

Beverly: "I can't imagine that Thiala is on board with this!"

DM Murph: "Thiala is our leader. She is the savior the Chosen have been waiting for."

Moonshine: [angry grumbling]

Beverly: "You will burn-"

DM Murph: "Even if you beat me right now, you'll still have to face a god."

Moonshine: "Maybe like all of us just take a deep breath to try and show you if we all do together. You could get like a nice full rep."

[Bev, Moonshine, and Hardwon takes several deep breaths]

Beverly: “Oh, yeah.”

Moonshine: “Hey, yeah.”

[Galad takes several shallow, wheezing breaths.]

Hardwon: “You do take shallow breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth."

Beverly: "His training card did say he had minor asthma. It's really an inspiration."

DM Murph: That is Hardwon.

Hardwon: I'm up and I'm on R. Cane! What do I get on R. Cane?

DM Murph: You have two first-level spell slots. You can either expend them to do an extra 2d6 of damage. Since you have the red R. Cane, the spell you get his Hellish Rebuke so you could also use that.

Hardwon: Yeah, I'm gonna swing for him. Oh, shit, I thought that was a 19 but still, 24.

DM Murph: 24 hits.

Hardwon: Oh, fuck me. Band of twos. Two crew. Eight damage.

Moonshine: Shout out to the two crew.

Beverly: Curse you.

DM Murph: Eight damage. Okay, that...

Hardwon: Oh, do I get to do a d6?

DM Murph: You can use 2d6s if you want to expend your slot.

Hardwon: Let's expend one. [rolls dice] 9.

DM Murph: Another nine. He is right fucked up. Roll a Wild Magic surge.

Hardwon: Oh boy.

Moonshine: Oh, right.

Beverly: “Feather beard, feather beard!”

Hardwon: Nineteen.

DM Murph: Nineteen. You're good.

[Bev & Moonshine cheer in relief]

DM Murph: You guys see Hardwon is sweating like crazy, like a crazy fucking coke addict that just did a ton of coke.

Hardwon: "I love this stuff!"

Beverly: "We're gonna talk about this afterwards."

Hardwon: "Oh, yeah, we're gonna talk about where we can get more." I'm taking my second attack.

Beverly: "Do it for Riva!"

Hardwon: 18.

DM Murph: 18 hits.

Hardwon: Great.

Moonshine: “Oh, Melora this is just a bad message for the kids.”

Hardwon: 17.

DM Murph: 17 damage?

Hardwon: Yeah

DM Murph: [seriously, with gravity] Hardwon. Finish him.

Moonshine: What?! What?!

Beverly: Ooooh shit! [clapping] Oh fuck!

Hardwon: Oh man.

Moonshine: "Melora is good, she shines on her children!"

Beverly: "Pelor and Melora are doin' a big ol' jig!"

Hardwon: I'm gonna start just like twirling my axe sort of like a baton.

DM Murph: As you twirl your axe and he's like down on one knee, blood coming out of his mouth and he says, "Do you know what happens to your mother if you kill me and she doesn't fulfill what she was supposed to do with her god?"

Hardwon: I'm gonna keep on twirling the axe. "Why don't you tell me."

DM Murph: "She made a pact with a god so that she could kill me with her own blade and be reunited with your father. If you kill me right now your mom disappears and her soul is lost forever in the astral plane."

Moonshine: Via Rapport Spores I'm saying like, "I don't know if this sounds like a desperate lie from a desperate fool."

Beverly: "Is this a trick?"

DM Murph: "You'll never see her again."

Beverly: Can we do an Insight roll?

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: I guess Hardwon, you should do it.

[dice roll]

Beverly: Oh no!

DM Murph: You rolled the d12 you dummy!

Hardwon: [gasps] Thank god!

Beverly: Oh, thank god! We're so dumb!

Hardwon: Still a bad roll for a 12 though.

[dice roll]

Hardwon: That's insane.

Beverly: What'd you roll?

Hardwon: I got the exact same. I got a three each time.

DM Murph: Everybody roll like Insight checks to see if you guys know what's going on. And...

Ol' Cobb crit.

Hardwon: Ol' Cobb knows.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb knows.

Hardwon: Rapport Spores.

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "I'd sure like to blow this guy's head off, but what he's saying about revenants, he ain't lyin'. She made a pact. She doesn't fulfill her end of the bargain, then…”

Hardwon: I think I'm gonna just keep on twirling the axe...

DM Murph: [as Galad] "You can still save her! I know where she is!"

Hardwon: - and I'm gonna say, "Hey,-"

DM Murph: [desperately] "I'll suck your fucking dick!"

[laughter]

Hardwon: [Confidently] "My name is Elias Stormborn the Second, I think, unless I have a grandfather. Bastard of the mountain, son of the sky. You killed my father. I'll talk to the god myself." And I'm gonna chop his fucking head off.

Moonshine: [cheering wildly and clapping]

DM Murph: Galad’s head... rolls.

Hardwon: God, that felt good!

Moonshine: Oh, that's such a good idea to just be like [imitating Hardwon] “You know what, I'll go to fuckin Kord myself!”

Hardwon: Kord liked my dad, right? I maybe just fucked my mom over but I never knew her anyway.

Moonshine: Yo, I love that move!

DM Murph: You see Ol' Cobb takes a deep breath. "Oh, brother. Well. Guess the real family's the family you make, right? Not the family that... birthed ya, then got lost forever into the... abyss..."

Moonshine: Moonshine blushes and she says, "I'm so sorry Hardwon, but that made me start ovulating. It just ticked me on like that."

Hardwon: “Really? Awesome. I practiced it almost as much as he practiced his line.”

Beverly: I run over to Hardwon and I just like wrap myself around his thick quad and I just... I weep.

Hardwon: I face Beverly’s sword toward Galad's headless body.

Moonshine: “Y'all, that is wild, we got lucky.”

Beverly: “Finally.”

Hardwon: “I got healed a whole shitload of times.”

Moonshine: “Let's not test fate because there's still a lot of people upstairs havin' brunch, that want to fuck us over.”

Beverly: “We gotta get out of here.”

Hardwon: “Alright. I'm just gonna take a peek at this minecart- Oh, yeah, it's done. This thing's done. This thing's absolutely done.”

DM Murph: [as Ol’ Cobb] "Should we go ahead and release this unconscious father that's on the ground?"

Beverly: "Yes. Does anyone have any lock-picking skills?"

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Hardwon: I look at Paw Paw.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Paw Paw starts-

Hardwon: [crosstalk] -Paw Paw pickin' the lock, come on!

Moonshine: “Paw Paw!”

DM Murph: Paw Paw starts biting at it. I'll roll for Paw Paw. Paw Paw's not gonna be able to get these.

Moonshine: He is a scramble boy, and he has-

Hardwon: Paw Paw crit.

DM Murph: Paw Paw is gnawing at it, does not get it open.

Moonshine: "Huh, I never met a lock Paw Paw couldn't pick."

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb's like, "You know what I've been called a bit of a locksmith down at the Crick." He walks over and he just wildly starts shooting.

Moonshine: “That's true-”

Beverly: [panicked] “That is my dad!!”

Moonshine: “It is true, he breaks into a lot of people’s stumps, he does.”

Beverly: "Ol' Cobb, please- That is my pop-pop. Please do not."

DM Murph: So he blasts off the ones on his wrists and he blasts off the one at his legs but not the one in his mouth. He goes, "You know what, best not risk it."

Hardwon: "Yeah, You're not as much of a crack shot as you once were."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: Can I take the tooth I got off of the Crag and used it to pick the lock on his face? You know, like wiggle it?

DM Murph: The tooth?

Beverly: Uh, yeah, it's like a twirl lock so I imagine... No?

Hardwon: Let him stick a tooth in the lock.

Moonshine: Just let him lose his tooth in the lock.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Can I case the cell and see if there's a key anywhere?

Beverly: I'm desperate alright?

DM Murph: Yeah, there's knights all over the ground. You guys got Galad's body's right there.

Hardwon: Can I Just do an Investigation on all them to see if they got keys?

DM Murph: Full fucking disclosure, I can't believe you just killed Galad and doomed your mom. This

is insane, I wasn't expecting that to happen.

Moonshine: That was such a cool move to be like [imitating Hardwon] “I'll talk to the god myself.”

Hardwon: Yeah, I just couldn't. I could not have him be alive longer. I'm sorry. I don't wanna-

Beverly: That's big, that's a big play.

Moonshine: I was like sitting there being like, I really don't want him to, I really don't want him to let him live.

Hardwon: Yeah, I didn't want to like fucking drag him everywhere.

Beverly: This is an exceedingly practical question-

DM Murph: Mm-hmm.

Beverly: -but can we save these magic cuffs to maybe use on a prisoner later?

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb just shot them off with a blunderbuss.

Beverly: I meant the one on the face.

DM Murph: The one on the face, yeah, you can, I mean nobody's taken it off yet. It's difficult to take off, you can try to find keys on people. There are knights, Galad's right there.

Hardwon: I'd also like to take this moment to recognize some of Galad's last words were 'I'll suck your fucking dick.'

[laughter]

Moonshine: You know the light just really shines through some people. It really does.

Hardwon: Can I roll an Investigation check to see if I can find the keys on anybody's body?

DM Murph: Yeah, go for it.

Moonshine: So while they're doing that, I just want to be like cleaning up the bodies, putting them into like one cell.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: That's a great idea.

Moonshine: And then like, casing the joint making sure that if I'm at the door, I'm listening to hear if anyone's comin’, I'm being proactive.

DM Murph: Great.

Moonshine: So you don't throw something our way.

DM Murph: Okay, so you-

Hardwon: I also rolled an 18 on my investigation.

DM Murph: 18 you find sets of keys on... Galad has a set of keys. He's also got Rosaline that's just laying there on the ground.

Hardwon: Oh, shit.

Moonshine: Y'all, I think that we should throw Rosaline into the abyss.

Hardwon: Oh, that's cool. Strike poo.

DM Murph: So if one of you guys wants to like pick up Rosaline and try to attune yourself to it to kind of investigate it.

Beverly: Maybe I do that while Hardwon shoves me aside having found the actual key.

Hardwon: I'll start trying different keys on Bev's dad's face and you can deal with the sword.

DM Murph: Great. Okay, so Hardwon, it's gonna take you a little bit. You've got like a big key ring that you're going through and you're trying it-

Hardwon: But in my hands it looks small.

DM Murph: Just tiny, tiny little keys. Meanwhile Moonshine you are able to clean up the bodies and put them in cells. You see that there are only about twelve cells down here and they've all been emptied. So they were kind of... clearly this was a little bit of an ambush. They were planning on you guys coming here.

Moonshine: Yeah, that felt pretty clear.

Beverly: Is there like a door we could lock?

Moonshine: “I wanna I kind of want to throw Galad's head- I want to do something with Galad's head, something spiteful.”

Hardwon: “Oh, no, we should hang on to it to present to Thiala and the Chosen to say that their their coup

is off or something? Well-”

Beverly: “Maybe not today?”

Moonshine: “Well, if we do that, I do believe Thiala will destroy us.”

Hardwon: Either way. I'm just gonna take Galad- I imagine he had long hair?

DM Murph: Yes, so very long hair.

Hardwon: I'm gonna tie his head by the hair in a little knot on my belt.

Moonshine: On your belt loop?

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Jesus.

Beverly: Bravo.

Moonshine: I say, "Now that is some decor."

Hardwon: I'm gonna stick a little gold piece in his mouth. Like - “This is my new coin purse.”

Moonshine: “Can I put my chapstick in there?”

Hardwon: “Of course.”

Beverly: “That's very fashion-forward.”

Hardwon: “Can I use a little bit of it?”

Moonshine: “Yeah. Absolutely. It's a little tub.”

Hardwon: “Nice.”

DM Murph: So-

Moonshine: “It's actually a monkey butter Crick grease.”

Hardwon: “Is there a little Crick Water in this? I'm getting a buzz.”

Moonshine: [through laughter] “Yeah.”

DM Murph: So, Bev, as you're attuning yourself to Rosaline, you hear voices whispering. You hear [indistinct whispers].

Beverly: I do my best Galad impression.

DM Murph: [laughing] Please do it.

Beverly: Alright. [clears throat]

Hardwon: A bullywug mating call.

Beverly: [in a high-pitched, nasally voice] “Hello, it's me-

[general disbelief around the table]

Beverly: -Galad Rosell, a real cool guy who loves the light! And I'm here to say that I'm fine and everything's fine and that dirty daddy in the jail cell is still there and nobody has come. What's going on topside, mateys?”

DM Murph: You hear no response. There are runes in this, and it looks like it's almost like a spell scroll on a sword written in Elvish. And some of it is in a weird tongue that you might not understand, but you do recognize the word 'scrying.'

Beverly: Is it like one of those-

Moonshine: “Scrying, that means spying!”

Beverly: “It doesn't.” But is it like one of those-

DM Murph: [gruffly, as Ol’ Cobb] “It does in this game, wiseass.”

Beverly: Oh! [laughter]

Moonshine: “Yeah, you know-”

Beverly: “That's fair enough, you have played a lot of-”

Moonshine: “I'm not a stranger to a scrying spell. Not my first scry spell.”

Beverly: So is it like one of those LED belt buckles where it just kind of scrolls across the sword?

DM Murph: No, like a [exasperated laugh] scroll, like a scroll.

Beverly: Okay. I like my version better. "What is scrying?" I ask Moonshine.

Moonshine: "Scrying is when you can listen in on other people."

Beverly: "Oh."

Moonshine: "Yeah, so if you have like, you know, the fixings of a person, say their nails or even just their likeness and image in your head, you can try to spy on them. I believe it's a fourth level. It's pretty impressive."

Beverly: "Do you think this is a scrying sword?"

Moonshine: "That means that someone's listenin’ in on us."

Hardwon: "No, I thought that meant that Galad was listening in on other people that we could listen, ‘cause he was using it to listen in on us. He's tracking everybody. He's a little fucking voyeuristic pervert."

Moonshine: “So we weren't the only people- His little sword is the NSA.”

Hardwon: “Yeah! So let's see if you can listen in on this plan to assassinate the boy king and have the Chosen fuck everything up at the brunch.”

Beverly: I wanna focus in, maybe I just like think of a name or think of like a person? I want to think about Edmund Lorrell.

DM Murph: You are not able to- as you're listening in, the voices are coming in a little clearer. You don't recognize the voice of Edmund Lorrell but you do hear some children talking. You hear children talking, you hear some adults talking, like a conversation in a big echoey place-

Moonshine: So it's a children's birthday party.

Beverly: Maybe. [to Moonshine] "Can you make this out?" I hold the sword up to Moonshine.

DM Murph: Moonshine, go ahead and make a raw Wisdom check.

Moonshine: I hold it like a phone.

[laughter]

Hardwon: “Hello?”

Moonshine: [blandly] “Hello, Moonshine here.”

Beverly: “Go for Moonshine.”

[dice roll]

Moonshine: Oh, that's a nat 20!

DM Murph: Nat 20?

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: Jesus, okay.

Beverly: "What do you hear?"

Moonshine: Oh dang it feels good to be a crit!

DM Murph: You recognize two voices. You hear three main people that the sword is picking up that these are the people that are holding, you know Rosaline's sister swords that are letting them scry on people. You hear the voice of Derlin. You hear Derlin, and you hear Lieutenant Neiman, one of the guys who came to Bev's house to tell you that Bev's dad has been arrested. And the third person you don't recognize. These are three separate conversations happening in different places. So...

Moonshine: Melora. What…?

Beverly: "Anyone we know?"

Moonshine: "Yeah!" Well, first off I'm holding the sword like a mom holds the phone while she's cooking.

Beverly: I'm tugging at her pants.

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Uh, yeah, I got Derlin on here."

Beverly: "Oh what? How's he doing?"

Moonshine: "Not good if he's getting scryed on."

Beverly: "Hmm."

Moonshine: "Okay, so I got Derlin, I got a Lieutenant and then I got someone I don't know."

Hardwon: Right.

Moonshine: Does this someone I don't know sound like a female voice?

DM Murph: No, it sounds like a male voice.

Beverly: Maybe go door number three?

Moonshine: Is it weird to say Derlin?

Hardwon: Derlin's our friend, I want to hear what Derlin's into.

Beverly: I think that if I hear the name Derlin, I'm most concerned about Derlin.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: Yeah, we just saved that guy.

Moonshine: [hesitantly] “This may be a fool's errand, but I'd like to open the door that Derlin's behind.”

[laughter]

Hardwon: Door number one.

DM Murph: So you focus up, focus on Derlin, you picture Derlin. Suddenly- do you guys all want to kind of touch the sword so you guys can all see this?

Hardwon: Beverly was already focused on Derlin.

Moonshine: Yeah, gather round. Can I put it on speakerphone?

DM Murph: You can put it on speaker.

Hardwon: Speaker-sword!

Moonshine: Speaker-sword?

[laughter]

DM Murph: So you guys all put your hands on Rosaline.

Moonshine: [disgusted] “Ugh. Can we please stop calling her Rosaline?”

DM Murph: [Galad voice] “Rosaline!”

Beverly:[crosstalk] Give it a new name, yeah.

DM Murph: You could still hear Galad's voice being like, "Welcome to Rosaline."

Moonshine: [voicemail voice] “Welcome to Rosaline, Galad's not here right now.”

Hardwon: “And never will be again.”

DM Murph: So you guys put your hands on the sword and suddenly you are seeing through Derlin's

eyes. You guys see that Derlin is in the castle courtyard. He's with a bunch of other Green Teens

including Cran. They're all in little green suits. Beverly, you would recognize this as the Green Teen Glee Team.

Beverly: [bursts out laughing]

DM Murph: And it looks like they're preparing to do a performance.

Hardwon: No, you know what they're walking into, they're walking into this ambush!

Moonshine: Y'all, I am NOT impressed by this because this Green Teen Glee Team is going to sing a song at your dad's execution.

Beverly: Oh no.

DM Murph: So you see-

Moonshine: That's definitely one gig I'd turn down.

DM Murph: So Derlin and Cran are talking and they're like, [as Derlin] "Oh this seems pretty messed

up, I don't know what to do here." [as Cran] "Well, I don't know. They said that he killed the High Priest so I guess Beverly's dad's a bad guy."

Moonshine: “Ugh. Galaderon youngins are such little cowards-”

Beverly: “They're just following orders!”

Moonshine: [quietly] “-Crick youngins would never do this.”

DM Murph: And Bev, you see Egwene Kindleaf. This is Erlin's older sister. She is a 19 year old halfling. She was like the best Green Teen ever. She graduated before anyone else. She's Erlin's cool older sister that hates all of you guys.

Beverly: [whispering in awe] Oh, shit.

DM Murph: She's called the Lady Snake, or she calls herself the Lady Snake. She wears a green helm

that has fangs on the top and on the bottom that cover her face and she's smoking-

Moonshine: Okay, Moonshine desperately wants to mentor her.

DM Murph: She's smoking a cigarette and she goes "Where the hell's Erlin you little turds?"

[Beverly bursts out laughing]

DM Murph: And they're like, [as Derlin] "Oh, he actually told me not to tell you.” [As Egwene] "Just

fucking tell me where where he is, Derlin!" and she punches Derlin in the shoulder.

And he goes, "Oh jeez. He said- he s-s-aid he was worried about Mrs. Toegold. So he went to go to see her." And she goes "Ugh! I better go get him." You see she walks off.

Beverly: Oh no.

Moonshine: Alright.

DM Murph: And you guys can see a crowd kind of gathering-

Moonshine: “Okay y'all, we don't have a lot of time. I also think that we are not prepared to infiltrate this red brunch. I do believe that we should send a message in whatever way we can to the Green Teen Glee Team and tell them to peace.”

Hardwon: “I got an idea”.

Beverly: “Okay.”

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

Hardwon: “Can I use this moonstone-”

Beverly: “The speaking stone?”

Hardwon: “The speaking stone. Oh, yeah, not the moonstone. Speaking stone, call Uncle Red, have him pick us up, maybe we can do something to these weather things? On our way out? If we can cause like a little storm…”

Beverly: [unsure] “What if we kidnap the king? Just throwing that out there.”

Moonshine: [hesitantly] “Okay. Yeah, let's kidnap the king and bring him on Uncle Red's airship.” [laughter]

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "This is fuckin' nuts, I love it!"

Moonshine: “I think we should kidnap the king!”

Hardwon: "Hey, Uncle Red!"

DM Murph: [as Red] "Hey, what's up kid?"

Hardwon: "One last one last job."

DM Murph: "Right."

Hardwon: "You gotta come pick me up at the top of the castle, it's gonna be a couple extra bodies here, we got Bev and Moonshine. You know those guys."

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, of course."

DM Murph: [as Red] "Right on, right on."

Hardwon: "Of course old Cobb. Bev's dad."

Beverly: "My dad, yep."

Hardwon: "Oh, by the way, the head of Galad Rosell, guy that killed my dad."

DM Murph: "You killed him!"

Hardwon: "Yeah!"

DM Murph: "Holy shit!"

Hardwon: [quickly] "And then the boy king is gonna be on the ship, too. Alright, so-"

DM Murph: "The king. Holy fuck."

Hardwon: "Yeah, we're gonna grab the king."

DM Murph: "Uh... Shit, Alright. Um, well it's gonna be pretty fucking hard for me to get an airship up there, there are quite a few airships hovering around Galaderon at the moment."

Beverly: “Hmm. Can you get us close and we can maybe do an infiltration mission and kind of snatch him? I imagine security will be pretty tight. But…”

Moonshine: “Yeah, I think this is gonna be a no-fly zone. I don't think we can have an airship just hover over. Is there a place we can rendezvous?”

Hardwon: “Right, is there like a high dock for an airship up on the top of the mountain?”

Beverly: Is the brunch happening in the sky chamber?

DM Murph: You know that the execution is happening out in the castle courtyard and that there will be kind of everyone there. There'll be like a huge crowd and that there's a stage set up, sort of Ned Stark-style stage in front of all the commoners and inside the Grand Hall. That throne room? That's where they're having all of the knights meet.

Beverly: There's a big-ass window.

Hardwon: Isn't there like a moon door?

Beverly: If we could just get him to like stay in a faraway range and then ram that moon window when we're ready to book it?

Hardwon: Or even just like fly close to it, we break through and jump onto the ship.

Beverly: I think we gotta give him a signal. Before we do anything else though I want to maybe grab the

sword and see if I can page Erlin and Cran.

DM Murph: So, this isn't the way the spell works. But I'll tell you what, I will just let you roll pure fucking luck roll, if you get a nat 20, you can contact them via the sword, but that's not the way the sword works so this would be like divine intervention.

Beverly: Gotcha. Alright. Well, might as well roll.

Hardwon: Why not.

Beverly: [singing] Might as well roll!

Hardwon: Wait! Use the good dice.

Beverly: Oh yeah! Thank you, Michael Z for sending us these dope-ass teal gold dice.

Hardwon: This is the heavy roll. These are heavy dice.

Moonshine: Watch me roll a 1 with it now.

Beverly: It's a 10, that's half a 20.

DM Murph: [amused] Okay.

Moonshine: “Alright, okay! Inching our way up.”

Hardwon: It wasn't a two.

DM Murph: So you're trying to go through and do this. You're not able to send a message through but you can hear Lieutenant Neiman and you can hear this other guy talking, who - Beverly actually you recognize. This is- his name is Lieutenant Algebux Duxley. He's a stout halfling who was the second in command after your dad so he's kind of leading the Green Knights.

Beverly: Uncle Duck.

DM Murph: Uncle Duck.

Hardwon: What's Uncle Duck talking about?

DM Murph: So Bev, you focus up on Uncle Duck and Uncle Duck is down in the church district. It's still early and you can see through his eyes, you see that there's all these Knights kind of gathering. It's all really solemn and he's going, "Green Knights! Today is a dark day. In the words of our great tan Santa Claus in the sky, it is five o'clock somewhere. But it is not five o'clock here. Though we all have our doubts that Captain Toegold is capable of killing Merrick High Hill, he was sentenced under the law of this land and we are loyal to the king. We have a duty to be there. Our captain deserves to have some friends there during his final moments." And everybody's kind of murmuring in agreement and they all start to file out of their church.

Hardwon: [crosstalk] They're going out to their death.

Beverly: I hang up the sword. "We gotta book it!"

Hardwon: "Alright. Let's go."

Beverly: "If we're gonna do this we have to go now."

Hardwon: "Yeah, let's go."

Moonshine: I mean, I would just like to listen at the door that I believe leads upstairs and see if I hear anyone.

Hardwon: Yeah, we should stealth out of the dungeon.

DM Murph: Tell me what you're gonna do.

Moonshine: I'm gonna look under the crack in the door.

DM Murph: You look under the crack of the door. Go ahead and give me just a Perception check.

Moonshine: That's gonna be jack shit. What does an eleven get me?

DM Murph: You do not see anyone.

Hardwon: “I think we busted their trap. They had Galad, they had the Crag, they had all these Knights.”

Moonshine: “But remember that some of us have three first level spells left for the rest of the day.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, I mean I'm not trying to get us into a battle with everybody but we have to get out of the dungeon, and we gotta get into- we have to do something to stop the assassination of the children and everybody else.”

Beverly: While we're doing this I do just want to make sure that my dad is okay?

Hardwon: Have I found the key yet?

DM Murph: You do eventually find the key and you open it up, it cracks open, Bev's dad is now free from all the chains. He still has broken chains on his wrists and on his feet but you're able to get the one off of his neck. I guess if you're going through all the keys you could also get the remnants off his hands and his feet, but he is knocked out and he's like super beat up.

Hardwon: So there's no talking to him.

DM Murph: Unless you guys heal him, if you want to use a spell.

Beverly: I use my amulet.

DM Murph: You use your amulet. He needs to look at it and use a bonus action to do it, so he's knocked out.

Beverly: Oh, he can't look at it! Shit!

Hardwon: I give him some R. Cane.

[laughter]

Beverly: Think we've used up all our R. Cane.

Hardwon: Yeah, we sure did.

Beverly: "Does anyone have a potion or anything?"

Moonshine: “I mean, I have heals, I just don't think I should be using one of my three first-level spells.”

Beverly: “Alright, yeah. “

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Tell you what. I'll carry around this little one." And he just throws-

Moonshine: “Ol' Cobb, he's always there to carry around a little one.”

Beverly: "Thanks Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Hey, No problem. Ain't the first time I've wrangled a youngin, although he's..."

Moonshine: "He's an olden."

DM Murph: "Yeah, he's an olden. Although, you know, youngin for me, I am three hundred seventy-five years old."

Hardwon: “Oh, now I'm crackin' up, Ol' Cobb, you get me!”

Beverly: “You're keeping it light Ol’ Cobb, I like that. Keeping it light bud, I appreciate it.”

Hardwon: “Alright, let's sneak out of this dungeon before everybody upstairs dies.”

DM Murph: So who's leading the way, and give me a Stealth roll whoever's leading the way.

Moonshine: I guess that's gotta be me because I got advantage from my little booties... Uh, 11.

DM Murph: Let me roll a perception check for somebody.

Moonshine: I hope they are imperceptive.

DM Murph: They rolled a 2.

Moonshine: Ooh! Shout out to the two crew, that's a happy shoutout.

Hardwon: That's a good guy on the two crew.

DM Murph: So as you start to open the door you hear the voice of Edmund Lorrell go, [exasperated haughty voice] "Galad, what took you so long? Galad, is it done? Have you done it?"

Hardwon: Oh, let's grapple him. We bust through the door and grapple him.

DM Murph: "Wah! Ah! What! No!" This guy is just a fucking commoner. You fucking grab him.

Hardwon: Great.

Moonshine: I tickle him.

DM Murph: [terrified, uncomfortable laughter]

Hardwon: [amused] “Yeah, funny right?”

[laughter]

DM Murph: "What have you- [angrily] I told that cocky idiot to bring more men down here."

Hardwon: "Oh, do you want to tell him again?" I lift up his head.

DM Murph: [frantic] "Jesus Christ, you savages. Do you understand who we're up against here? We don't have a choice!"

Moonshine: [casually and cheerily] "Hey, what's your name again? Edmund?"

DM Murph: "My name is Edmund!"

Moonshine: "Edmund, do you want to be dangling from one of Hardwon's belt loops, cuz I know he's got one for you if you don't want to-"

Hardwon: "Do you want to be Dead-mund?"

[laughter]

Beverly: "Sir Deadmund! I would like to-"

DM Murph: "Don't call me that!"

Beverly: "I would like to appeal to your better senses."

DM Murph: "I just want to live! I'm a coward!"

Beverly: "Sir, we want you to live too, and want the boy king to live as well. He's been caught up in the crossfire of a lot of big important events, and it's not fair for a young child to suffer that!"

Moonshine: "Beverly, Deadmund does not give a shit about the boy king. He is currently plotting to kill him."

DM Murph: "Well, it's not that I don't care about the boy king. It's just that I care about living and when there's a damn god that's going to come back-"

Moonshine: I tickle him.

DM Murph: [high-pitched laughter] [in a whisper] "Stop! Stop it! Stop it!"

Hardwon: "Do you know the Pebblepots?"

DM Murph: "I do know the Pebblepots!"

Hardwon: "Do you respect the Pebblepots?"

DM Murph: "No! They're gonna die today, okay?"

Hardwon: "You seem like a real Pebblepot yourself though."

Moonshine: “Yeah, distant relative at least.”

DM Murph: "Look, okay? We have a chance."

Hardwon: "Yeah, the same blood runs in you for sure."

DM Murph: "We can make this all right. We're all on the same side here. We all want to live, right?"

Beverly: "Yes."

DM Murph: "Look: You're fighting an unwinnable battle. The city was already lost as soon as Thiala decided to come here. It's done. It's over. Make way for our new Queen, right? Who's in? Who's in, gang?"

Moonshine: "Is she actually coming today or is it just a massacre to pave the way for her?"

DM Murph: You see he starts instantly pissing himself. "Yes! No, no, no, she's coming today!"

Moonshine: I shape the water.

[laughter]

Hardwon: “Just make it go up into his shirt!”

Moonshine: I freeze it so that it's uncomfortable in his urethra.

DM Murph: "This is terrible."

Beverly: "What is the Chosen's plan?"

DM Murph: "Look, okay. I had no choice. The Chosen have slowly been dismantling the leadership

of the other paladin sects, you know, that's why they got rid of Merrick High Hill, they framed Beverly Toegold the fourth, they killed the captain of the White Knights last night, they're leaving the paladins rudderless. The paladins have no leadership at all and when Thiala comes back a lot of them are gonna join the Chosen, and the ones that don't are gonna get killed because... Spoiler alert, me and the Crag have kind of been letting the Chosen sneak in, there's a bunch of them up on the second floor right now. When they come into the Grand Hall, the Green Knights are gonna die, the White Knights are gonna die and that's just how it is! We need to accept that, there's a god here. Okay? There's a damn god. I don't know if you have ever seen a god, like for real?"

Moonshine: [angry] "Okay, but I'm asking you is she physically here or is this paving the way for her comin’ back? Answer a damn question instead of pissin’ yourself!"

DM Murph: "She's here."

Beverly: [breathless] “Okay.”

Moonshine: "Where?"

DM Murph: [incredibly panicked] "In the freakin' sky, she can fly!" He pisses himself more.

Moonshine: I freeze it again.

DM Murph: "She just fucking leaves, she just disappears-"

Hardwon: "Okay, okay. Is that all the information you have for us?"

DM Murph: [obviously lying] "N-No, I know a lot more."

Hardwon: “Really.”

DM Murph: "Yes, I know tons more!"

Beverly: Insight!

DM Murph: Go ahead do an Insight check.

Hardwon: 5.

Beverly: Thanks for the two crew.

Moonshine: I also got a 2! Two crew!

DM Murph: Jesus guys! [as Edmund] "Look okay. Don't kill me. I can get you- what do you want? What do you want? All I want to do is live! I don't give a shit!"

Beverly: "Tell us how to stop the massacre!"

DM Murph: "Okay. Fine. Alright."

Moonshine: "Yes, that's all we want to do. We don't care. They can install Thiala. I don't give a crud, but we just got to get these innocent people out of here."

DM Murph: [As Edmund, explaining slowly] "It's still very early. Okay? Most of the Green Knights aren't even here for brunch. Okay? You go talk to the Green Knights. You tell them not to come. I don't care if they kill the Green Knights, I just don't want to die."

Hardwon: “Alright, so we stop the guests from arriving.”

Moonshine: “We essentially just go around and sort of do the opposite of an invitation.”

Hardwon: “We cancel the party.”

Moonshine: “We cancel- We tell everyone- So we just need to start a PR campaign that it's canceled.”

Hardwon: “We gotta throw a better party!”

Beverly: “I think that-”

Moonshine: [laughter] “That's the best idea! That's the only idea! We have to throw a party so good that no one wants to go to this one!”

Hardwon: “Take me to a Kinkos!”

Moonshine: “Take me to a Party City!”

Hardwon: “Lorrell, we need paper plates you son of a bitch.”

Beverly: “I gotta make a lot of napkin swans.”

Moonshine: "Alright, then. You know what Lorrell, here's what you can do. You gotta smuggle us up to the patio-"

DM Murph: [under his breath] "Oh, Jesus Christ."

Moonshine: "Oh, come on, you're covered in your own piss. Do you think that you have any sort of leverage here?"

DM Murph: "I- No. I will do it. I'll suck your dick."

Hardwon: “A lot of people keep offering!”

Moonshine: “A lot of the Chosen have been offering that.”

DM Murph: "I'm not the Chosen, I don't care about their stupid plan."

Moonshine: "Well, We need you to get us safely and unseen to the patio or that little out courtyard area, where the Glee Team is hangin’ out.”

DM Murph: "Fine. That works for me."

Hardwon: “Alright, let's go.”

Moonshine: Can I do an insight check if he's gonna betray us?

DM Murph: Sure.

Beverly: Oh yeah, good call.

Beverly: God dammit!

[laughter]

Hardwon: Another 2!

Moonshine: [nasally imitates a valley girl] Shoutout to the Two Crew.

DM Murph: I mean you get the sense from this guy that-

Hardwon: We see what makes him tick.

Moonshine: [crosstalk] That he's pissing himself?

DM Murph: You see what makes him tick. He's just trying to survive. If he thinks he can walk out and just yell and get you guys arrested and not die, he might do that. If he thinks you guys can get away? He doesn't give a shit about the Chosen or this crazy plan.

Hardwon: So let me just try to intimidate him real quick?

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: Like, "You saw that we killed the Crag, you're looking at Galad's head, do not cross us. She

blew on a poisonous dart into a harmless little gnome. Earlier today."

Beverly: "It was disgusting."

Moonshine: [incredulously] "He was harmless?"

DM Murph: [whispering, as Edmund] "Jesus. Jesus."

Hardwon: “He wasn't harmless. It was deceitful.”

Moonshine: “Look, I did it to defend your honor, mister Hardwon!”

Hardwon: “You were right to do it.”

Moonshine: “Okay.”

Hardwon: “I'm just saying that we are ruthless killers. If you yell we will happily fight Thiala, whoever, but we'll kill you first.”

Beverly: "Sir, you will wish a god killed you."

Moonshine: "How about this? If you so much as make a cowardly noise I'm gonna blow spores up your urethra."

DM Murph: "O-kay! Fair enough. I don't want that to happen."

Hardwon: “Great.”

DM Murph: "You just want to get out of here."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: "Alright. This is the bottom level of the dungeon. I have keys, we can get into the other levels of the dungeons. You knock out the jailers there or kill them, do whatever you want to do, whatever you little freaks want to do-"

Moonshine: "Oh, who's the freak?"

DM Murph: "You!"

Hardwon: "You're soaked in urine."

Moonshine: "You're soaked in urine. Some of it, it's literally-"

DM Murph: [angrily whispers] "You have a head hanging from your pants. Okay? It is normal to piss yourself in this situation!"

Moonshine: "It has somehow defied logic, your pee has defied gravity. It's like crawling up. You got some on your shirt."

DM Murph: "I had a lot of water this morning."

Moonshine: "Also, yeah, I don't think you had a lot of water. It's a little yellow."

DM Murph: [spluttering] "I had a lot of coffee as well. Maybe more coffee than water."

Hardwon: "It smells, yeah."

DM Murph: "Okay. If we can go up we can knock out some of the jailers, take their armor,

disguise yourself- there are halflings, there are humans. There are plenty of ways for you to disguise yourself."

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: Alright. Let's go before this party starts.

Moonshine: "What are you gonna do while we do this?"

DM Murph: [as Edmund, talking as if he thinks they’re stupid] "I'm going to get you into the doors?"

Moonshine: “Oh my- Oh Melora, someone deal with this because he is just a handful and I don't got hands for it.”

Hardwon: “I got him.” I'm just gonna tie him to my side.

Moonshine: I think that's a good idea.

DM Murph: [Sarcastic, hopeless] "No, this is great. Yeah. No, this will be really convincing. I'm the hand of the king and I am tied to a peasant. This is smart."

Hardwon: "I am not a peasant.”

DM Murph: "You look like a peasant.”

Hardwon: "I'm the captain of a goddamn airship!”

Beverly: "Yeah, impressed?

DM Murph: "Not really."

Hardwon: "I've haven't flown one before except for a little practice, but…”

DM Murph: "I live in a castle."

Hardwon: "Really.

DM Murph: "Yeah, it's great. It WAS great until these religious fanatics showed up.”

Hardwon: "Oh, you don't like the religious fanatics, too."

DM Murph: "I don't like anyone here. I don't like any of these people. I don't like the king particularly. I would like to be the king."

Beverly: "Yeah, we get that.”

Moonshine: "Your boss is a 12 year old.”

DM Murph: "He sure is. I don't like him.”

Moonshine: “So. There is that.”

DM Murph: "I did like the part of the plan where we killed my nephew, but I don't like the part of the plan where Thiala takes his place because... You know, she's kinda like my nephew except she could kill, you know, this part of the world. Just blow it up."

Moonshine: "Alright, coward, before you pee again, let's get moving."

DM Murph: "Alright." He pisses himself again. You guys make your way up the stone spiral staircase

with Edmund Lorrell leading you, piss leaking out of the bottom of his pants.

At the bottom where you guys were, the fourth level of the dungeon, the bottom, there are a lot of spiderwebs and it's pretty unkempt. As you guys get a little higher to the higher floors it starts to be a little bit more well-traveled, like more people come through here. So you guys get up to the third level and there's a door there. Edmund says, "This is the third level. There's not too many prisoners down here but there's probably one or two jailers in here that you could pretty easily knock out- or kill, you savages."

Beverly: “I was gonna say let's have him call those guards over so we have easy picking on them.”

Moonshine: “Oh, that's nice, so we can get surprise on them. That sounds good.”

Beverly: “Yeah!”

Hardwon: “Nice.”

Moonshine: "Yeah, you're gonna lay the trap."

DM Murph: "Whatever! I don't care. I don't care about these people's lives. I don't care about you."

Beverly: "Tell them that you pissed your pants and you need one of their pairs of pants."

DM Murph: [exasperated, angry sigh] "Fine!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: [dramatically clears throat]

Moonshine: "Wait wait wait, can we decide exactly how we want you to say it? I want you to say 'I tinkled my trousers.'"

[laughter]

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "What if he said that he saw a bug? He saw a bug, he thought it was a spider but it wasn't a spider, but he thought it was? And he tinkled his trousers."

Hardwon: "And I'd like him to say this in his very high-pitched voice."

Beverly: "And say that he needs both of them ‘cause he needs one person to give him the trousers and the second person to put the trousers on him."

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "God! [angry spluttering]"

Hardwon: I want to put my throwing axe, just like sidle it right up next to his balls. Just so he gets nice and-

DM Murph: [crosstalk] Your throwing axe gets a little wet. "Alright! I'll do it! Fine! Ugh!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: Okay. He pulls out his keys, they're jingling, they're shaking with like how nervous he is.

Beverly: “You've got this!”

DM Murph: [angry, nervous panting] "Just- I haven't had- being controlled by all these people-"

Moonshine: "Remember, I tinkled my trousers. You say anything else and you're getting spores."

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "And remember, say that you saw a bug, you thought it was a spider."

He uses his key to open the door, he cracks it. [as Edmund] "You! You two! I- [huffs] I was walking down here and I saw a bug. I thought it was a spider, it wasn't a spider, uh, and I got a little nervous and I- I tinkled my trousers, okay? I need your-" And you just hear the guards like bust up laughing. [as Edmund] "It's not funny! I need your trousers! Take off your pants."

Moonshine: [barely holding it together] "You have to say 'I'm a tinkly little star.'"

DM Murph: "I'm a- I'm a tinkly little star! I'm a tinkly little star and I need your damn pants!"

Hardwon: "Absolutely epic, Moonshine."

DM Murph: And you hear voices from the inside go, "Why can't you just go up to your room and get pants?" [as Edmund] "I am the hand of the king! And I tinkled! My! Trousers!"

Beverly: "Say, 'I'm a wet little guy.'"

DM Murph: "I'm a wet little guy!" [as the guard] "Fine man, yeah, I guess I'll [sigh] I'll go commando under my plate armor." And you hear the guy start to take his armor off.

Moonshine: I Shillelagh my staff. Or my scimitar.

DM Murph: Okay, you Shillelagh your staff.

Moonshine: Oh- No, I Shillelagh New Betsy.

DM Murph: So yeah. Edmund Lorrell kind of has his head peeking in, you guys hear the guy taking his pants off, and hear the other guy go, "Wait, why do I need to take my pants off? Why do you need more than one pair of pants?"

Beverly: [whispering] "In case I have another accident."

DM Murph: [as Edmund, sighing] "In case- there are a lot of bugs in here and I need another one just in case!"

Moonshine: Yo, he added that himself.

DM Murph: "I need a backup pair!" [as the guard, reluctantly] "Fine!"

Hardwon: “You're good, Deadmund.”

DM Murph: You hear them giggling a little bit.

Hardwon: “Oh, we should rush them as they're taking off their pants.”

DM Murph: Yeah, they're taking their pants off. Do you want to rush in or do you want to wait for

them to come over?

Moonshine: Yeah, we want to rush in! We get will we get advantage like surprise?

DM Murph: [crosstalk] Yes, you will get a surprise round.

Moonshine: [crosstalk] Yeeeeah!

Hardwon: [crosstalk] Their pants are down! LIterally we're catching them with their pants down!

DM Murph: These guys aren't full Chosen Knights, these guys are just guards so they only have like 15 HP.

Moonshine: Then as I'm going after them, I'm straight-up gonna say, "I'm only knocking you out! I'm not here to kill you!"

DM Murph: These guys are pantsless. Just going, [as guards, panicked] "What?! Aah! Who are you?!"

Moonshine: I'm attacking.

DM Murph: Yep, cool, yeah guys do a surprise round.

Beverly: Don't forget your d4.

Hardwon: Wow, nat 1 though.

DM Murph: Nat 1.

Hardwon: 9, plus the 4 though. [away from the mic as dice roll] Jesus Christ. 11.

DM Murph: 11. You do not hit.

Hardwon: Of course.

Beverly: 18.

Moonshine: 25.

DM Murph: You guys hit. Cool, and I'm gonna- Ol' Cobb tries to butt him with the gun, and he's gonna hit.

Moonshine: I got fuckin 1. So I'm hitting him for three.

DM Murph: Okay, Ol' Cobb and you double-team one and knock him out. You-

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb! The dream team is back!"

DM Murph: You bat him with the Shillelagh, he comically goes [slowly] "What?" Turns around and

Ol' Cobb butts him. Bev. Do your attack.

Beverly: I got a 15. Can I say I'm shield butting though?

DM Murph: Yeah, you want to like smack him with your shield and knock him out instead of longsword damage?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Cool. 15 easily knocks him out. So you guys knock these two guards out.

Hardwon: Great, let's drag them into a cell and lock the doors so they don't tell anybody.

Moonshine: I'm gonna leave a little note or have Paw Paw- I'm gonna dictate a little message for Paw Paw to write in the dirt.

DM Murph: [as Paw Paw, inquisitively] "Reer?"

Moonshine: And I just want to say “Sorry, y'all seem like nice folk, but I needed your metal!”

DM Murph: [repeating Moonshine as he's writing] "Reer, reer reer reer, reer, reer, reer reer."

Hardwon: Paw Paw's a good paralegal.

DM Murph: [proudly] "Reer!"

Moonshine: Yeah, Paw Paw writes in a beautiful script.

DM Murph: As you look over Paw Paw's shoulder as he's writing, he's also writing nonsense but Moonshine thinks he's really writing it.

[laughter]

Beverly: “That's fine.”

Moonshine: “Paw Paw, he's such a smart little one.”

Hardwon: “Is he?”

Beverly: “Oh, yeah.”

Moonshine: Okay. Well- is either of them my size?

DM Murph: Yes, they're both humans so you could fit into it and Hardwon could fit into it.

Moonshine: Okay, so, I'm gonna put some armor on, and does it shield my face at all?

DM Murph: So yeah, they have plate mail that you could put on it. So you're not proficient in plate mail, so if you get into a fight for you to do your spells and stuff, you won't be able to do it. But you just walking around- you're basically Luke Skywalker in a stormtrooper outfit. You're a little short for a stormtrooper.

Beverly: Yeah, but, remember how that turned out.

DM Murph: It turned out well.

Hardwon: Okay. What's my AC go up to if I'm wearing plate mail?

DM Murph: 18, actually.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: But you have Disadvantage on Stealth rolls.

Hardwon: Got it. Is Galad's head- Where hanging now... I guess I'll put it in my backpack.

Moonshine: “Yeah, I think maybe hide that. Let's have that be a discrete thing.”

Beverly: “That's a good backup.”

Hardwon: “Cool.”

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "Alright. Well, you've knocked out two pantless men, you've got one man who has... tinkled his trousers, that is..."

Hardwon: "I don't know why you're so embarrassed, you did actually piss yourself."

DM Murph: "Well, you know-"

Hardwon: "Thrice."

Beverly: “It's Pelor's honest truth.”

DM Murph: "Once again for good reason."

Hardwon: "Okay." Let's keep on going.

DM Murph: You guys go up the stairs you guys get to another door and Edmund says, "This one is for the second level of criminals. There are more of them. They're probably about four, five guards in here."

Beverly: "Okay, you know the deal."

DM Murph: [irritated sigh as Edmund] He cracks the door.

Beverly: "Wait, wait, wait, this time, say, ‘I made a big stinky in my trousers. I'm a huge, stinky little rat-’"

DM Murph: [resigned] "I made a stinky in my trousers, I'm a stinky little rat, anything else, what else do you want?"

Beverly: "Guys?"

Moonshine: [through laughter] "Just ask for a kiss on the lips."

DM Murph: "And... one of you has to give me a kiss on the lips."

Hardwon: "You're the hand of the king, remind them."

DM Murph: "I am the hand of the king. I will have you beheaded." And you just hear a bunch of people be like “what the fuck?”

Beverly: "Just tell them to get over here."

Moonshine: "Tell them to get over here, but walk backwards with their eyes closed."

DM Murph: [through gritted teeth] "Get over here and walk backwards with your eyes closed." Um, and you hear those guys kinda whisper, and they start walking towards the door.

Moonshine: Are they walking backwards with their eyes closed?

DM Murph: They are not.

Hardwon: “They're suspicious now, we shouldn't have done this.”

DM Murph: They are grabbing their swords.

Hardwon: “All right, let's bust in, we gotta fuck them up.”

DM Murph: Cool, you guys bust in, everybody roll Initiative.

Moonshine: So how does it affect my- so I already had my Shillelagh in effect already.

DM Murph: How long does it last for?

Moonshine: One minute.

DM Murph: No.

Moonshine: So y'all, I am not gonna add much to this fight except for the occasional Spore.

Beverly: I just love that this is-

Moonshine: Wait, I can still Spore though, right? That's not spellcasting.

DM Murph: Yeah, you can still spores.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: I just love that this is like, if we killed Darth Vader first and then had to escape.

DM Murph: Yeah, pretty much!

Beverly: And the entire movie is just that.

DM Murph: Yeah, it'd be like if Obi-Wan just won.

[laughter]

DM Murph: 'If you strike me down I'll only become more- just kidding!' [hissing lava noises]

Beverly: 11.

Hardwon: 12.

Moonshine: 15!

DM Murph: The guards actually go first. So you guys burst in, and these guys have their swords ready-

Beverly: So we don't get advantage or surprise?

DM Murph: No. No, he said 'walk backwards with your eyes closed' and these guys-

Beverly: “Very disobedient!”

DM Murph: -aren't super smart, but they're not the dumbest.

Beverly: “That's the hand of the king!”

DM Murph: So they rush forward, swords out, Hardwon is tied to Edmund Lorrell, so they go, "Ah! The hand of the king's been kidnapped!" Three of them go after Hardwon and one of them is going to Disengage and run out the room. He only has a speed of 30, so he goes to get up the stairs, and the other three guys take cracks at you. First guy actually is going to hit, Hardwon.

Hardwon: Do you know that I have an 18 to hit now?

DM Murph: Yes. He got a 19 to hit.

Hardwon: Fine.

DM Murph: That is 7 damage.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: Second guy attacks... and he gets a 23 to hit.

Hardwon: Oh my god.

DM Murph: For another 3 damage. They don't hit for much, though. Third guy attacks, and he gets a... 18 to hit.

Hardwon: Dammit!

DM Murph: Sorry.

Hardwon: With my new AC.

DM Murph: 5 damage. Okay. That is you, Moonshine.

Moonshine: Alright.

DM Murph: Moonshine, you’re wearing like, way too big armor, just completely uncomfortable. Paw Paw's in your overall bib just being like [frantically, as if asking to be let out] "Reer! Re-re-reer! Reer!"

Moonshine: Then I'm just gonna try and hit someone.

DM Murph: Okay. Just anybody, or the guy who's running?

Moonshine: I'm definitely gonna Spores him. I don't know if I'll be able to catch up with the guy who's running.

DM Murph: Okay, so you to catch him would need to do a Dash action.

Moonshine: Okay, I'd like to chase him-

DM Murph: You chase him?

Moonshine: But I can't try and hit him?

DM Murph: You can't try and hit him, because you'd need to use a Dash action to get there. But you can spores, because that's a reaction.

Moonshine: I'm gonna Spores him in the eye.

DM Murph: Cool. You Spores him in the eye.

[laughter]

DM Murph: [as the guard] "Ah! Ah!" He doesn't like that. That is Hardwon's turn. Hardwon, you're surrounded by three guys, you've got one guy that's taken off.

Hardwon: I'm gonna swing at the guy nearest to me.

DM Murph: Cool, go for it.

Hardwon: 22.

DM Murph: 22 hits.

Hardwon: Great. Hits for... 12.

DM Murph: 12 damage. You kill one guy and you do 1 damage to another guy. You just slash through.

Moonshine: Ooh! [clapping]

Beverly: Sorry!

DM Murph: These guys are wearing pretty good armor, but they're little weak guard guys.

Hardwon: Yeah. Don't want to kill you guys. Disengage, disengage, stop fighting us. [dice roll] Uh, I crit!

DM Murph: Jesus. You might kill all three guys.

Hardwon: Cool. That's 3d12s plus my, uh-

DM Murph: Yeah.

Hardwon: Cool.

DM Murph: [quietly] Jesus.

Hardwon: 27.

Moonshine: Dang!

DM Murph: Yeah, you cut through all three of them. You chop them all up. These three men die.

Hardwon: Damn!

DM Murph: That is Bev's turn. You've got the one guy running.

Beverly: I guess I'll get a running start and chuck a javelin.

DM Murph: Go- do it up.

Beverly: Okay. Oh, that's 12?

DM Murph: That does not hit.

Beverly: Okay, can I chuck another javelin on my second attack?

DM Murph: Yes, you can.

Moonshine: Yeah! I'm out there tryna stop him, I look like a kid in a-

Beverly: [away from the mic] Oh, there we go. [back at the mic] That's 19 plus 7.

DM Murph: 19 hits.

Beverly: Alright, great. Javelin damage! Javelin damage! Hyah!

DM Murph: [whistles, like the sound a javelin would make as it soars through the air]

Moonshine: Ooooh!

Beverly: That's a 13.

DM Murph: He's dead.

Hardwon: Wow!

Beverly: [triumphantly] Ha-ha!

Hardwon: "See that, Deadmund?"

DM Murph: This dude is running up, you throw the javelin, it gets under the armor that's covering his back, and he falls down with a javelin in his back. A man just doing his job.

Beverly: They're wearing literal under-armor.

Moonshine: I run back to you guys, and I look like a kid wearing a snowsuit. I'm like, uncomfortable. It's a little too big.

Hardwon: Alright, we got a couple extra suits of armor.

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, what's speakin' to ya? Outta these suits of armor."

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Oh... You know what, I'll take the one with the giant javelin in the back. I think that's kinda neat."

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

Hardwon: “Tasteful.”

Beverly: “Can I have that back?”

DM Murph: "The what? Oh, the javelin, yeah, absolutely."

Beverly: “Okay, thank you."

DM Murph: "Ah, I was kinda hopin' to keep it in the back. Yeah, like saying, 'ah, my back hurts, any of you see anything?'"

Hardwon: [crosstalk] "You're hilarious Ol' Cobb."

DM Murph: "Ah, thank you so much."

Beverly: "Hey, you know what, Ol' Cobb? Why don't you hold onto this, maybe you can fire it out of your gun one day."

DM Murph: [laughing] He shoots it out of his gun.

Beverly: "Not right now!"

DM Murph: Just kidding.

Beverly: Ol' Cobb!

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb takes some time, gets in the armor. I would say the default of these guys are

human, but I'm gonna roll and see if one of them's a little guy. And see if there's a halfling or anything. I'll say, 1-10, these are all humans, 10-15 there's like a dwarf and you can have some ill-fitting armor, and 15-20 he's straight up a little halfling. [dice roll] 12. There's a dwarf who was one of them. With the armor cut through.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: Nice. That should be armor for you.

Beverly: Alright, I do the trick I did with the duergar where I put my backpack in front, so I look like a

little fat dwarf.

DM Murph: So you look like a little fat dwarf. So, you're in the same situation as Moonshine now.

Normally, you're proficient with armor, so you'd be fine, but you're wearing ill-fitting armor right now.

Beverly: Right.

Moonshine: Okay.

Beverly: So what does that-

Moonshine: It just means that you get disadvantage on attack rolls. It just means that right now let's try and play the game, or like, try and deceive.

Hardwon: We're lying. We're sneaking now. Let's go.

Beverly: Aw, yeah. Time to whip out that Performance.

Moonshine: Actually, yeah, we're not sneaking. Right now we're just walking around like this is our job.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys are just the most haphazard, weird team of guards ever.

Moonshine: “Young Bev, do you know anything about the Royal Guard? Do they got like, songs that they jog around singing like the ROTC guys or anything?”

Beverly: “Oh, absolutely!”

Moonshine: “Yeah?”

Beverly: [singing] “I don't know what I've been told!”

Moonshine & Hardwon: [in echo] “I don't know what I've been told!”

Beverly: “My name is Beverly Toegold!”

Hardwon: “No- no- no- no!”

Moonshine: “My name is- No, no, no!”

[laughter]

Beverly: “Alright, not that one, not that one.”

Moonshine: “Yeah, nah, not that one.”

DM Murph: [as Ol' Cobb] "Yeah, maybe we don't use that one."

Beverly: “Okay. I'll think of some other ones for when the time comes.”

Hardwon: “All right.”

Moonshine: “So yeah, I think we just start- let's just go to the courtyard now.”

Hardwon: “Yeah, let's go to the top.”

Moonshine: “And we've got Bev IV with us-”

Beverly: “But we say that we're like, preparing the [voice catches] execution.”

Moonshine: “Yeah.”

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "Right. Well, we were supposed to bring him out... a little bit later, after the performance of the Green Teen Glee Team, but I suppose we could bring him out early. This is really going to- This is top-loading the event, I've gotta say."

Beverly: "Do you know what song they were planning on singing?"

DM Murph: "Yes, they were going to sing the 'Pledge to the Boy.'

Beverly: "Oh, Pledge to the Boy!"

DM Murph: "‘I pledge allegiance, to the boy, he fills our heart with blazing joy.’"

Beverly: "Yeah, I know it, I know all the words."

DM Murph: "Yes, good."

Beverly: "But oh, Erlin on tenor? That's gonna be amazing. Or Derlin on tenor, I mean."

DM Murph: "I don't know who Erlin or Derlin are, you-"

Hardwon: "Let's get up top!"

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Beverly: "Alright, alright, alright."

Moonshine: I think we get to the courtyard.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: I'm walking. I'm making it look as natural as I can. I'm trying to have a bit of a, uh, Royal Guard swagger.

Beverly: My dad's conscious, right?

DM Murph: Bev's dad is being carried by Ol' Cobb. Before, he had him kind of over his shoulder, now he's holding him like he's a prisoner, kind of just dragging him along. Bev, your dad is now conscious, he's at 1 HP, but he's kind of just muttering to himself. [as Bev IV, quietly and miserably] "I swear to P... I swear to P..."

Beverly: Can I try and stabilize him with a bite from the reuben sandwich I bought earlier?

DM Murph: You hold the reuben in front of him and he voraciously eats it.

Beverly: [whispering] "It's gonna be okay, Dad!"

DM Murph: [as Bev IV] "Ah... [incoherent mumbling] Bev are we..."

Beverly: "Dad, it's me!"

DM Murph: "Bev, are we at... we have Ruby Tuesdays right now, Bev?"

Hardwon: "Uh, actually we're at your execution."

Beverly: [faltering] "We're not there yet, Dad."

DM Murph: "Alright... Okay..."

Beverly: "You're gonna have to cancel your reservation on the party boat in the sky. We're staying alive for another day, Pop."

DM Murph: "Sounds..." And he just goes back out.

Beverly: [laughing] All right.

DM Murph: Okay. Are you guys...?

Moonshine: We're heading to the courtyard.

Hardwon: Are we still Rapport-ing Spores-able?

Beverly: I think so.

DM Murph: That goes for an hour. All right. So you guys are still Rapport-ing your spores.

Hardwon: Alright, sweet. "So look, everybody, we're about to walk into the courtyard with Beverly's dad."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Uh, let's all get our lies straight."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I think that we are taking him out to the courtyard- I think we just say, we're moving the executionee. And as soon as we're out in the courtyard, we just maybe pretend to be big fans of the Glee Team? And then go talk to them, and then peace? But I mean- Are we trying to save every single person in the courtyard?"

Hardwon: "No, we just need to get this event cancelled or postponed."

Beverly: "Do you think that perhaps the hand of the king could issue a PR statement that we are moving the event? Or rescheduling it for some reason? Maybe the king is sick?"

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "I don't think you guys understand that there is a god coming to Galaderon,

so, you know, kill the god or... I mean- you can't kill the god."

Hardwon: "I'm not trying to fight a god today-"

Beverly: "No, not today."

Hardwon: "But we just need to get all of these guests to not attend the party."

DM Murph: "They don't plan on killing everyone there. They're gonna kill the knights. They don't give a shit about the commoners."

Moonshine: "So we just need to go over and whisper to some Green Knights and some Green Teens and

then get out of there, right?"

Hardwon: "Oh, I get it. Wait- how are the Green Knights getting up here? Tram?"

DM Murph: "They're probably in the Church District meeting right now. They'll just walk up."

Moonshine: "So the only people that we gotta worry about in the courtyard is the Glee Team."

Hardwon: "No, we don't have to worry about them, they're not getting killed. It's the Green Knights that are gonna get killed."

Beverly: "Are you sure?"

Moonshine: "No, they're gonna kill those little Glee Teens. We gotta save the Glee Team."

DM Murph: "I don't know what damn crazy-ass goddess is going to do when she gets here, I can only tell you what the plan was. The plan was to get the damn other Knights into the brunch, kill everybody at brunch, come out-"

Hardwon: "Everybody or just the Knights?"

DM Murph: "The Knights! Whoever doesn't bend the knee. If your little Green Teen Glee Team decides to get brave and not bend the knee to the god, then yes, they will die. If they don't, then they're fine."

Moonshine: "Okay, so, we're walking out of the courtyard, we say that we're taking him to, I don't know,

ritual bath prior to the execution-"

Beverly: "Oh, that's good."

Hardwon: "We're gonna prepare him for his execution."

Moonshine: "Yeah, we're gonna take him to get prepared for his execution. On our way, we tell the Glee Team, you know..."

Hardwon: "Get the fuck out."

Moonshine: "Get the fuck out."

Hardwon: "Then we sneak down to the Church district, we tell the Green Knights, don't attend the party. And then we try to rest up and prepare to talk to Thiala at some point."

Moonshine: "I don't know that there's sense to be made with a... crazy goddess."

Beverly: "I think we need to make ourselves scarce."

Hardwon: "Then we form an army."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I think we tell the Glee Team to skedaddle, we tell the Green Knights to not go to the brunch, and then we get on that airship and take a fuckin' nap."

Hardwon: "All right. Let's do it."

Beverly: "All right."

DM Murph: "All right. Well. Should you untie me, maybe?"

Beverly: "Mmmm.... We could untie him, but I think if we do that, then the hatchet's gonna go right back on your balls, sir."

Hardwon: “Yeah, I'm gonna keep my axe really close to your nuts.” But I untie him.

DM Murph: Okay. You untie him, axe precariously close to his junk.

Hardwon: Yeah, but it sort of just looks like I'm holding it, but I'm holding it in a slightly dangerous way.

DM Murph: "Welp. Shall, we get going, then."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Let's go. Your pants look pretty dry."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "We're good."

Beverly: I tie a jacket around him.

DM Murph: Cool, so you guys continue up this spiral stone staircase and you get into the castle keep. You can see an exit to the right, into the castle courtyard, where commoners are beginning to show up. You hear a lot of commotion, you hear a lot of people. To your left is the hallway that last time you guys took to get to the Great Hall, which is also the king's throne room. You guys see that there are many servants hustling around, and a few Chosen Knights.

Hardwon: Chosen Knights are the bad guys.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Just for everybody listening.

Beverly: Yeah, I like to think that you Rapport Spored that to us.

Moonshine: Moonshine's like ‘oh! Shoot! I invited a couple!'

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Do we need to worry about these servants and these commoners?"

Beverly: "I think they'll be okay."

Moonshine: "Do we need to just shout 'everyone leave, this is a sabotaged event'?"

Hardwon: "I think we gotta make it seem like everything is copacetic, we just need to tell the Green Teens to get out and we need to go down to the church district and tell the Green Knights to not come up and get killed."

DM Murph: So, you guys right now are just peeking out of the crack. You guys haven't come out yet.

But there's a lot of people around.

Moonshine: I'd like to look for the most honest-looking servant and grab them behind the door.

DM Murph: So you see a very nervous little halfling carrying a platter of food. Like, way too much stuff.

Hardwon: Nice. Are there sliders on there?

DM Murph: Yes, there are.

Hardwon: Great. Grab that guy!

Moonshine: I'd like to- I'm grab- I'm scooping him!

Beverly: [sing-songy] Scoop that slider!

DM Murph: So you scoop this halfling that's carrying this plate of sliders and you pull him behind the door and he goes, "Oh god! Oh god, what did I do? Oh... Mister hand of the king! I-I-I-I- [spluttering and stuttering] thought this was the type of sliders you wanted!"

Hardwon: "Oh man, is this gruyere?"

DM Murph: [as the server, incredibly nervously] "Oh no, I thought we said muenster cheese. I put muenster! I swear I put muenster on them!"

Hardwon: "Is this muenster? Is this fucking muenster?"

Beverly: "It's muenster, yeah."

Moonshine: "Okay, hey." I lift up my little thing and show my little Crick features to him. "Hey, psst."

DM Murph: "...Okay?"

Moonshine: "Hi, um, I'm not the Royal Guard. Play it cool, I'm trying to save your life right now."

DM Murph: "Okay?"

Moonshine: "There's going to be an attack on this brunch, so you should tell all your little servant friends to just find an excuse to excuse themselves and abandon ship."

DM Murph: "This is my first day of work!"

Moonshine: "Well, it's gonna be your last day of life if you don't skip town."

DM Murph: [breathless and nervous] "Are you guys attacking the castle?"

Moonshine: "No! We are not! We are getting out of here just as you should."

Beverly: "Worst comes to worst, if a god shows up, bend the knee. Don't try to be a hero."

Hardwon: "What's your name, pal?"

DM Murph: "My name is Bevel."

Hardwon: "Bevel?"

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "Execution brunch is totally fucking cancelled."

Moonshine: "Tell your friends to go home. Don't tell everyone, don't tell the Chosen. Do not communicate

any of this to the Chosen.”

DM Murph: "My manager's a dick, do I have to tell him?"

Moonshine: "No, you can leave him."

DM Murph: "Okay great."

Moonshine: "Yeah. Anyone who's not a dick."

DM Murph: "I'm just gonna quietly quit this job and maybe tell a few of my friends if that's cool."

Moonshine: [amused] "Yeah, you know what, I'm gonna say you can use your judgement. If you hate someone just leave them to their death."

Hardwon: I eat a couple of sliders and tip him.

DM Murph: "Oh wait. You're Beverly Toegold V."

Beverly: "Yeah. Shh!"

DM Murph: "Okay."

Beverly: "Big-time shush on that though."

Moonshine: "Yeah, big shush."

Beverly: "Big shush!"

Hardwon: "Huge shush."

Moonshine: "We just saved your life, so..."

DM Murph: "Okay. I appreciate it."

Moonshine: "Remember that, if anyone tries to make you squeal."

DM Murph: [breathless and nervous] "You got it, gang!"

Beverly: "Okay. Go in Pelor's light."

DM Murph: You guys see him shaking, the plate of sliders is all clanging. He walks out of the dungeon and into the hallway, and he just drops the whole thing and just takes off running. And you see a bunch of guards kind of give him a second look, and one of the servants goes, "Hey! Hey, get back here, Bevel! Bevel! [to himself] Son of a bitch." And he goes and he starts cleaning up the sliders.

Moonshine: Y'all, I'm worried! He didn't tell any of his friends! He didn't tell any of the other servants!

Beverly: “You told him to use his judgement.”

Hardwon: “Craven blood runs deep in this town.”

Moonshine: “These Galaderon idiots. Alright. We did our best. Let's go to the courtyard.”

Beverly: “We gotta get to the Glee Team.”

DM Murph: So you guys start walking in. Four guards in generally pretty strange-fitting armor, except for maybe Hardwon, along with the hand of the king, carrying Beverly Toegold IV, and you see a few Chosen paladins walk up to you guys.

Hardwon: I put my axe right on to Deadmund's taint, and I say, "Unless you want an asscrack that's three times as deep as the one you have right now, sell this right now."

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "Yes sir."

Hardwon: "Sell it. Sell it."

DM Murph: Okay. The knights approach, and he [Edmund] goes, "What are you doing? Keep preparing the brunch! We need to- we- the- the little halfling needs to be, uh, fresh! And clean! So fresh and so clean for his, uh, for his... I'm taking him to my personal quarters... to bathe him. I'm going to bathe the prisoner in my... private... bath."

Hardwon: I'm itching his groin with my axe.

DM Murph: "Yup! Yup! Yup! I need to go... be... The showers down there are broken, we... We can't shower him there, so I'm bringing him to my private quarters, otherwise the king will be very mad, and Galad Rosell will be extremely upset." And you see these guys go, "Okay! Yeah! Yes, sir. Yes, sir." And they back off.

Hardwon: Sweet. So, as we go to... Are we heading towards Deadmund's chambers?

Moonshine: No, we want to go to-

Hardwon: Yeah, not really, we're just heading toward the direction that they are.

Beverly: Where's the Glee Team in relation to us now?

Moonshine: The courtyard, we want to go to the courtyard.

DM Murph: Yeah. So the Glee Team is in the courtyard. You just told these guys that you were going to Edmund's quarters.

Moonshine: Okay, we'll just go to his chambers then.

Beverly: Yeah, or just like, walk a bit and double back.

Hardwon: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Moonshine: Or we could walk to his chambers and crawl out the window or something like that.

Beverly: That might draw attention. [laughter]

Moonshine: M’kay.

DM Murph: [as Edmund; reluctantly] "I do have a balcony."

Hardwon: "Okay."

Beverly: "Okay! Good to know!"

DM Murph: "Right. Good. Very good. No, this is great." So you guys go down the hall toward this throne room. You guys have been here before, it's this giant hall with big stone pillars. There's torches that line the walls, along with flags and tapestries of the Asagar family. Their symbol is a golden lion on a purple background. There's also a throne that sits on a little stage before a glass wall that looks out onto the sky. There's a staircase that will take you up to the second floor as well, you see that there's kind of a balcony that goes around the entire room that you could look down, and you do see a bunch of Chosen walking around up there, presumably getting ready for the red brunch. And you see servants are setting up food and drinks at these various huge tables.

Moonshine: “We just need to get outta here and now we just got deeper.”

Beverly: Can we just like, wait for the Chosen that we were talking to to leave and then double back

around?

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys could do that.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: So you guys start to walk in, you guys lose the two Chosen that stopped you guys in the hallway, then you get to this throne room, and some more Chosen approach.

Moonshine: Axe to the taint.

Hardwon: Yup. "Sell it."

Moonshine: "Sell it. Dance for us."

DM Murph: As they're approaching, he goes, [whispering] "What do you want me to say? This is the way to my quarters, what the hell else am I doing with him?"

Beverly: "Say that you're going to change your pants!"

Moonshine: "Say that you're bringing him to the courtyard!"

Hardwon: "Order them to leave you alone, man."

Moonshine: "Yeah, you're the fucking hand of the king!"

DM Murph: "Gah- fine." So these guys come up. I'm gonna have them roll a check to see if they notice you guys are a little weird. [dice roll] And they legit rolled a nat 1. So everything looks to be in order here.

Moonshine: Ooh! [clapping]

Beverly: Yup! Ship-shape!

Moonshine: A crit and a miss!

Hardwon: Galad's head is hanging out of my armor.

Moonshine: Paw Paw keeps poppin' his head out. "No, Paw Paw, git."

Beverly: I pull out a bar of soap and I say, [in a nasally 'henchman'-type voice] "Let's get you clean for the execution!" As we head towards the chambers.

Hardwon: They rolled a nat 1, Murph.

[laughter]

DM Murph: The Chosen show up, they don't notice anything's out of order. [as the Chosen] "Ah, sir, I thought the accused wasn't supposed to come out-" [as Edmund] "I'll tell you when the accused is supposed to come out, okay? The king demanded that... first thing, we're opening with the execution!" And the Chosen go, "My lord, does... does she know about this?" [as Edmund] "Of course she knows about it! She- What's- Get out of here! Get! Out!" And these guys back off you guys. So are you guys doubling back and going back around the hallway?

Moonshine: Going back around.

Beverly: Double double trouble.

Moonshine: Yeah, going to that courtyard.

DM Murph: You guys double back around, you guys march with purpose, you pass other servants and

other guards walking in and out.

Moonshine: I wish I could tell a couple more servants, but...

Hardwon: They're all gonna bend the knee to Thiala.

Moonshine: Yeah, that's true. Their lives are spared.

Hardwon: Yeah, it's gonna be fine.

Moonshine: Bend the knee one day, stand right back up the next.

Hardwon: Yeah- right now they bend the knee to the boy king, they don't give a fuck.

DM Murph: So you guys are in this castle courtyard. You see these purple weather spheres line little walkways like streetlights in a park. Because of the weather spheres, it feels like a beautiful spring day despite the altitude. And you guys do see this stage set in the middle of the courtyard, and a throne set up for the king. The king is not out there yet. There's also chairs, presumably for the queen mother and the high septon. And you see that not a full crowd has shown up yet, but commoners are beginning to file into the audience, and you see a bunch of Chosen Knights are keeping an eye on them from behind a barricade. And you also see the Green Teens, the Green Teen Glee Team is warming up.

Beverly: All right.

Moonshine: “All right, we gotta make our way to that Glee Team.”

DM Murph: So you guys travel into the castle courtyard. You move past the barricade, Ol' Cobb is kinda trying to obscure Beverly Toegold IV so the crowd can't see him. You see some of the Chosen guys are giving you second looks but Edmund Lorrell is kinda waving them off as you guys make your way over to the Green Teen Glee Team.

Moonshine: I mean, Moonshine's no stranger to a second look. Have you seen her?

DM Murph: And, yeah, you see they're rehearsing. [singing] "We pledge allegiance to the boy."

Beverly: [singing along with Murph, attempting and failing to harmonize] "He fills our hearts with blazing joy."

Moonshine: [crosstalk] "Bev, bev, don't blow your cover."

DM Murph: "He is so sweet, he is our king. He is the ruler of everything~" And you see there's a Scoutmaster that's this older halfling dude, that's kinda commanding the Green Teens.

Hardwon: "Damn. Derlin is a rich tenor."

DM Murph: Yeah, you do see Derlin and Cran.

Moonshine: "And Cran a deep alto."

DM Murph: You see the scoutmaster. His name is Turnip.

[Bev cracks up]

DM Murph: Scoutmaster... This is Scoutmaster Sils Turnip.

Moonshine: Adorable.

Beverly: Great.

DM Murph: Sils Turnip turns and he sees... [with sudden realization and incredulous amusement] He sees you guys are carrying Beverly Toegold IV through the crowd!

Hardwon: Oh yeah!

Beverly: We go up to him, and we say...

DM Murph: [as Turnip- a chipper scoutmaster voice] "Can I help you, sir?"

Beverly: "It was the last request of Sir Toegold to hear the choir one last time."

DM Murph: [obviously amused] I'm not even gonna have you roll a Deception check, because this guy doesn't care if these kids sing. "Alright, gang! Let's make it count! This is, uh... You guys remember Mister Toegold?" And the kids just start crying! [wailing noises] [as Turnip] "C'mon, gang! We gotta... We gotta really bring it, it was his last request!" And you just hear Bev's dad go, [mumbling] "I swear to P, if I have to listen to one damn- dang kid sing..." He's just muttering to himself and the kids are all crying. [as the Glee Team singing, although the words are barely coherent through wailing] "Oh we pledge allegiance to the boy..."

Beverly: As they sing, I sidle up to them and to the same tone I say, [singing] "Thiala is coming to kill you all.... Pass it on, the Green Teen silent song... Remember to leave at my signal... And you won't be... [faltering] killed like... pigs now."

Hardwon: Not bad.

Moonshine: Okay, Bev, yeah!

DM Murph: The Green Teens look terrified, they cry harder. [singing and wailing] "Aah, he is the ruler of everythiiiing."

Beverly: Yeah, I rapport spores, "Yeah, I think they got it, but... do you think we're okay? Should we

double up?"

Moonshine: "I think they got it."

Hardwon: "Yeah. We gotta get the fuck outta here."

Moonshine: "I think let's get the fuck outta here. I think now we just casually walk towards the exit, and if someone decides, then I shed my shit and we just start running."

Hardwon: "Cool."

Beverly: I lift my fingers in the Green Teen salute, which is the... yeah, it's like a leaf that you make with your hands.

DM Murph: Ohh, you flash that to like Derlin and Cran and stuff?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, I was gonna say, that song just sounded like you were bullying them, but when you flash that, you see Derlin looks like real fuckin' scared.

Moonshine: I sneeze, my head moving opens up my thing for a second, and I wink just as it opens. It's a really good maneuver. Do I need to roll-

DM Murph: Okay, so you reveal yourself-

Moonshine: “Aa-choo!” pop- wink.

DM Murph: You reveal yourself to Derlin and Cran, and they kinda go wide-eyed. They're crying. Everyone's crying. This is the saddest little choir. What do you guys do now?

Moonshine: We're just walking casually towards the exit. If someone starts chasing us, we'll try to have sick...

Hardwon: "Deadmund, get us outta here."

Moonshine: "Yeah. Deadmund, get us outta here."

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "My name is- [sighs]. My name is Edmund."

Moonshine: "Yeah, you'll earn that name back when you get us outta here safely."

DM Murph: You guys do see guards, like some of the barricade guards are starting to walk toward you guys. Like a lot of them now.

Beverly: Hmm.

DM Murph: [as Edmund] "If you guys don't wanna die, I suggest maybe you run, or something, because I've brought a prisoner out into the crowd. If I bring him down towards the walkway to the Church District- either run, or don't."

Hardwon: "Okay, let's run."

Moonshine: Okay, I've got three first-level spells left. Can I cast... “Do y'all think that you can carry someone?”

DM Murph: You've gotta shed your armor.

Moonshine: “I know!”

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: I'm asking if I- “Do y'all think that you can carry someone?”

Beverly: “Yeah!”

Hardwon: “I can carry-”

Moonshine: “Can anyone carry me?”

Hardwon: “I can carry ya.”

Moonshine: “Okay. Then I'm about to take my clothes off, and then give you two and Ol' Cobb, increase your speed by 10 feet for the next hour.”

Hardwon: “Sweet.”

Beverly: “Nice.”

Hardwon: “Cool.”

DM Murph: Okay. So you, in front of these people-

Moonshine: Well, we get as close as we can, until it feels like a turning point where we can go no further.

DM Murph: Okay, so you guys are like shoplifters at the mall, with mall security behind you. So these guys are kinda hustling, they think something's up, but they see Edmund Lorrell with you. So at first, they kinda let you guys go, they were afraid to speak up, and they've got their jobs, they've kinda gotta keep the crowd at bay.

Moonshine: Oh, before I do that though, let's have Edmund shout about something and point behind us.

Hardwon: Nice.

DM Murph: So you guys see, as you guys start walking, you guys are kind of hustling. Moonshine is kind of shedding her armor. And Edmund Lorrell just yells, "Uh- The boy king is- has soiled his trousers!"

Hardwon: "Good man!"

DM Murph: And you see these Knights start fucking charging toward you guys.

Beverly: Uh-oh!

Hardwon: Alright, sweet!

Moonshine: O-kay!

DM Murph: Tell me what you do.

Moonshine: I cast... I cast Longstrider on these two and Ol' Cobb.

Hardwon: I toss Moonshine over my shoulder.

Moonshine: “Weee!”

Beverly: Who's carrying my dad?

Moonshine: Ol' Cobb's got your dad.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb's got the dad. So these guys are all shouting, they all start running towards you. As Moonshine casts Longstrider, makes you guys super fast, Hardwon you've got Moonshine over your shoulder, Ol' Cobb is like clanging in this armor running fast as hell, has Bev's dad over his shoulder. Bev is running. You see Cran run up and punch Scoutmaster Turnip in the nuts-

[laughter]

DM Murph: -and then all the Green Teens start running after you guys.

Beverly: "Callooh callay!"

Moonshine: "Callooh callay!"

Hardwon: “Callooh callay!"

DM Murph: [as the Green Teens] "Callooh callay! We didn't wanna sing at this! We had to! We're just children!" They're all crying and running, and these guards are chasing after you guys. You guys run down through the main gate, there's this stone staircase that winds around a level of the mountain and takes you guys down to the cathedral. You guys run with these Chosen hot on your heels, and as you guys round the corner, you see all of these Green Knights walking in single file up the staircase.

Moonshine: “Bev, shout to your people!”

Beverly: “Alright. [loudly, with purpose] Fellow Green Knights! They're comin' for us, we gotta book it!”

Moonshine: I say “The Chosen are evil and they wanna butcher y'all! Y'all better turn around!"

Hardwon: “Brunch is cancelled!”

Beverly: “Uncle Duck, Uncle Duck! It's a rotten setup!”

DM Murph: Bev, you see your Uncle Duck is in the front, and he's kind of looking around frantically. And he says to you, "Beverly, I trust you, but this is very serious. You've- you've broken your father out of jail. What happened?" And he casts Zone of Truth on you.

Beverly: [gasps as though he's been hit] I feel like I'm used to this. My dad has probably cast Zone of

Truth on me before to chew me out for various things.

DM Murph: Right, to find out if you're grounded or not.

Beverly: Exactly. I willingly submit to the zone. "Uncle- Uncle Duck! It's- It's the Chosen! They're betraying the kingdom! They're here with Thiala, and they're killing everyone that isn't loyal to their cause!"

DM Murph: So Uncle Duck just kind of frantically nods to you. He believes you, they've kind of had these suspicions. As these other Chosen guys start to round the corner and close in, the other Green Knights kind of step up to join you guys to kind of defend you, and they're all kind of hands on their sword hilts. And your Uncle Duck looks at you, and he goes, "Thank you for saving our captain." And all of the Green Knights draw their swords.

[loud cheering from the table]

DM Murph: [as Uncle Duck, loudly and authoritative] "The Chosen are rotting this city from the inside!"

Beverly: "They're a bunch of knuckleheads!"

DM Murph: "They're a bunch of dang knuckleheads!!" And you hear Bev's dad mutter, [weakly] "Buncha dang knuckleheads..." The Green Knights all grab their swords and brace themselves as the Green Teens stand behind you guys and a bunch of the Chosen round the corner. And like two rival gangs, you guys stare each other down. And that's where we'll end our session.

[loud oh!s from the table]

Beverly: “Fuck em up, Uncle Duck! Fuck em up!”

Moonshine: I thought we were running away, which is why I used my last three spells.

Beverly: Well, there's always a chance to run away.

Moonshine: I ain't got shit left.

Beverly: Always a chance to run away.

Moonshine: True, we have it for an hour.

DM Murph: Did not expect this to happen, guys. We will save this for the Short Rest, but I can't- The encounter with Galad-

Moonshine: Save it for the Short Rest!

Beverly: Oh, mercy!

Hardwon: I won't talk about anything until the Short Rest.

Beverly: Pelor and Melora...

DM Murph: Jesus, guys. I can't believe you killed Galad. I thought I had a failsafe to save my NPC by having him be bound to your mother, but ya just let your mother disappear.

Hardwon: I hate Galad.

Moonshine: Nah, that was what- Save it for the Short Rest.

DM Murph: Save it for the Short Rest. Guys, if you want to listen to the aftershow, head on over to Patreon.com/NADDPOD, do not sing yet.

Hardwon: Oh.

DM Murph: Do not sing yet.

Hardwon: [spoken] We are, we-?

Beverly: We aren't?

DM Murph: We aren't, we aren't.

Moonshine: We aren't, we aren't.

DM Murph: We aren't, we aren't yet. Guys, please buy me and Emily's book, it's on Amazon. It's called Hey U Up? How to Turn your Booty Call Into Your Emergency Contact, it's a satirical relationship advice book. It's also on Audible if you want to listen to the audio version.

Hardwon: Is it your voices reading it?

DM Murph: It is! It's us!

Moonshine: I read it as Moonshine.

DM Murph: Yeah, it's in- it's just extra us talking into microphones, if you guys like hearing that. Guys, tune in next week to hear what goes down, 'cause this is not how I was expecting this to play out. Follow us on Twitter, @chmurph is me, @jakehurwitz is Jake, @caldy is Caldwell, @eaxford is Emily.

Beverly: June 18th on Disney Channel, watch Big City Greens!

[everyone cheers]

DM Murph: Oh yes, dude, congrats!

Beverly: Yeah! For the last year and a half I've been storyboarding on a television show, and the episodes are gonna start airing soon!

Moonshine: That's so exciting!

Beverly: So tune in!

DM Murph: Guys, freaking Google Big City Greens because the art looks cool as fuck!

Beverly: Yeah!

DM Murph: And I'm sure it'll be very funny.

Beverly: I did some of it.

DM Murph: So guys, remember, Caldwell did some of it. Yeah, and Caldwell, if people wanna send us stuff, where do they send it?

Beverly: You can send it to 9120 Hillhurst Ave, #222, Los Feliz, CA 90027.

Hardwon: Solid memory.

Beverly: Thank you.

DM Murph: And if you wanna tweet, tweet about the show at #NADDPOD.

Everyone: [singing together] We are, we are! The youth of a nation.

[everyone sings as the sound fades out]