Fallen Heroes

The party is still split! Moonshine and Beverly catch up with Bev's fam and Erlin's sassy grandmother, while Hardwon and Ol' Cobb assemble a rescue crew.

---

General notes for readability: 

1. When Player Character’s words are in quotation marks they are speaking as their own character, unless otherwise specified in brackets.

2. When the Dungeon Master is speaking as a character, brackets will often but not always be added to increase clarity as to which character he’s speaking about or to. 

3. If a number is referred to in the context of D&D they will always be written numerically (ex: I rolled a 2).  If a number is referred to in general context, it will be written in text (ex: “Three heads is enough, Hardwon”)

4. Vocal tics are left in when they appear to be a character choice and are taken out when this does not appear to be the case.

---

DM Murph: [intro] Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This...is Not Another D&D Podcast.

DM Murph: [play begins] Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone.

Hardwon: Bahumia.

Moonshine: Bahumia.

Beverly: [whispered] Bahumia.

DM Murph: I'm your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz -

Hardwon: Hardwon Surefoot.

DM Murph: Emily Axford -

Moonshine: (jokingly dejected) Moonshine Cybin: spell-poor, health-poor, but rich in cantrips.

[laughter]

Moonshine: They're so weak they can't even be called spells.

DM Murph: And Caldwell Tanner -

Beverly: Beverly Toegold V: Beverlin Foreverlin.

DM Murph: [laughter] Perfect. Guys, we got some announcements here. First off, very exciting, we've got our first live show!

Hardwon: [excited] Oh, shit!

Moonshine: Yeah!

DM Murph: Yeah, we're comin' to Seattle, guys. Thursday, September 13th at the Triple Door in Seattle, you guys can go to headgum.com/live.

Hardwon: That's Washington, everybody. Seattle, Washington.

DM Murph: Yeah, that's Seattle, Washington.

Moonshine: Not Seattle, Tucson.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Mm-hmm. That would be-

DM Murph: There is, like, a Portland, Maine and stuff, so it's worth mentioning, you know?

Hardwon: Yeah, totally!

DM Murph: Just in case there's another Seattle. I don't think there is.

Hardwon: There's only one, and that's where we're going. We're performing in the Space Needle, baby.

DM Murph: Tickets go on sale...this Friday morning at ten a.m.?

Hardwon: Yeah. So if you're listening to this on Thursday, like the true fan that you are-

DM Murph: Yeah, the day that it came out.

Hardwon: The tickets are on sale tomorrow, Friday.

DM Murph: And they're gonna sell out quick, baby. I know it.

Moonshine: Because my cousin and my aunt live in Seattle, and you better believe they're both comin'.

DM Murph: That's two tickets.

Hardwon: Is that true? I have some cousins in Seattle.

Beverly: Huh.

Moonshine: Well, let's make it a family affair.

[laughter]

DM Murph: It's gonna be, it’s gonna be -

Hardwon: We'll get them the early ticket link.

DM Murph: We're gonna do the- [Crick elf voice] "Seattle's the new Crick! We have a lot o' cousins. Are you my nephew-cousin?"

Moonshine: "Seattle, ooh! I know a lot o' people in Seattle."

DM Murph: Guys, more fun stuff coming up. This Sunday, June 24th at six p.m. Pacific time, we're gonna do another livestream for our Patreon subscribers. It's the apology breakfast livestream.

Beverly: Yum yum yum.

DM Murph: And then the following day, Monday the 25th, we'll be releasing our mixed bag of holding, which is gonna be a deity deep-dive, we're gonna learn more about the gods of Bahumia.

Moonshine: Goin' deep on some dee-ities.

Beverly: [laughter]

DM Murph: So those are for our Patreon subscribers, guys. Go to patreon.com/naddpod to check that out. But let's get into the episode.

Moonshine: Wait, one final thing. The album will come out next week on Soundcloud, and then however long it will take to upload to Spotify.

Hardwon: And there's gonna be a pop punk “Strike True” on this album?

Moonshine: Oh, yeah. There is.

Hardwon: My...god.

DM Murph: Anyway, let's get into our episode, let's do a recap.

Beverly: Woo!

DM Murph: Shall we?

Hardwon: Please.

DM Murph: Last week, you guys stood with the Green Knights in a tense stare-down with the Chosen on the castle steps. Barrett Brisden, the new captain of the Chosen, offered you one last chance to join them, and when you refused, he sent out a message to his troops to 'begin the purge'. Immediately, you saw airships heading towards Upper Galaderon and knew that the citizens of the city were in danger. You all retreated to the church district, where Bev's dad and the Green Knights could set up their defenses and make a stand against the Chosen. Meanwhile, you guys and the White Knights ran down Upper Galaderon to stop the Chosen, who were being dropped off by the airships. And everything went smoothly from there.

Hardwon: That's right.

Moonshine: Oh, yeah! [lying] Then we all got up to full health, I got my spells back, finally, for the first time in five episodes, um...

DM Murph: Yeah. Yep, everything worked out. Psyche! Just kidding! Hardwon and Ol' Cobb jumped directly into the first enemy airship they saw, while Bev-

Hardwon: Apologies. I'm sorry.

Moonshine: No! I thought it was cool.

Hardwon: Thank you.

DM Murph: It was cool and stupid as hell.

Hardwon: I regret nothing.

Beverly: It was vintage, vintage Hardwon.

Moonshine: I love it.

Hardwon: Watch this.

Moonshine: I love all your big moves.

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: Hardwon and Ol' Cobb jumped directly into the first enemy airship they saw, while Bev and Moonshine ran to Bev's house to save his mom. After saving Bev's neighbor, Moonshine and Bev made it to Bev's house as a bunch of Chosen were trying to break down the door and climb in the window. With the help of Egwene, Erlin's cool older sister, you guys defeated the Chosen and saved Bev's family...for now.

Beverly: So cool.

DM Murph: Bev and Erlin then had their first kiss!

Hardwon: Wooo!

DM Murph: Beverlin, y'all!

Moonshine: Yummy!

Beverly: Beverlin foreverlin.

Hardwon: Love is in the air.

DM Murph: We ship them. And you guys settled into the Toegold residence to catch your breath. Meanwhile, Hardwon ran directly past five archers and ten guards to attack the captain who was wearing full plate armor.

Hardwon: Knock it off, Murph.

[laughter]

DM Murph: This drew the ire of the entire ship, and after an incredibly close fight that saw Ol' Cobb and Hardwon both knocked out, a single White Knight was the only one still standing, and the battle was won.

Moonshine: Matthias of House Crit!

Beverly: Matty Crits!

DM Murph: Matthew, AKA Matthias, AKA Matty Crits.

Hardwon: Matty Crits!

Beverly: Matty Big Crits!

DM Murph: He scored a critical hit against the captain and was able to defeat him. Then, out of character, Ol' Cobb had two death saving throws, so Jake rolled his last one for him in front of the table and rolled a dang nat 20.

Beverly: Hell yeah.

Hardwon: What a rush. Still reelin' from that one.

Moonshine: It was...yeah.

DM Murph: A much-needed nat 20.

Moonshine: It was, of all the nat 20s that were rolled that episode, of which there were many-

DM Murph: There were a lot! There were, like, seven.

Beverly: I am terrified.

Moonshine: Mostly from Beverly. Beverly was doing the heavy lifting with the nat 20s.

Beverly: On fire.

Moonshine: But that was the most thrilling one.

Hardwon: It carried me through the weekend. I went out hard on Saturday, and people were like, 'Jake, what's the occasion?'

[laughter]

Hardwon: I was like, 'Ol' Cobb's alive!'

Beverly: Callooh Callay!

DM Murph: Anyway, Jake's engagement is off, so...

Hardwon: Of course!

DM Murph: We ended the episode with Hardwon waking up in a bunk below deck and saw Ol' Cobb, sitting next to him, still kickin'.

Hardwon: [whoosh of relief]

Beverly: Aww yeah.

DM Murph: Anyway, guys, before we get started, I'm actually going to introduce a new homebrew mechanic, baby!

Beverly: Yes! Yummy!

DM Murph: Because between the amulets, the potions, and NPC intervention, I've basically allowed a ton of ways for you guys to get your HP back without resting, to kind of keep the action up on the pod, but HP is way more important to the melee characters, and I gave you guys the cleave mechanic, so I'm going to introduce something for our spellcaster-

Hardwon: Ooh!

Moonshine: What?

DM Murph: - who's been a little spell-starved for about four episodes now.

Hardwon: I hadn't noticed!

Moonshine: Wait, are you trying to say that people don't want to just hear me do Chill Touch for another entire episode?

Hardwon: Did you use the Infestation?

DM Murph: I believe you spread three 1st-level spells over four episodes, which is kinda crazy. So, this new mechanic is called 'Zealous Trance'.

Moonshine: Woah!

Beverly: [approving] Oh, damn!

Moonshine: Can I call it 'Sleeping with Melora'?

DM Murph: Yes, that is kind of what it is.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: Moonshine will be able to regain spell slots during a short rest equal to 1d8 plus her wisdom modifier. So a 1st-level spell costs one, a 2nd-level spell costs two, et cetera, et cetera, and this can only be used once a day.

Moonshine: Ooh! I think I just sit cross-legged and tweak one nipple, almost like I'm tuning...

[laughter]

DM Murph: Oh my god...

Hardwon: Picture Shae.

Beverly: Spiritual receiver!

Moonshine: Tuning my spiritual receiver, picturing Shae.

Beverly: Just trying to find K-Rock.

Hardwon: Which is good, 'cause it also distracts your enemies for a minute.

DM Murph: Yeah, she just sits there for an hour during a battle and...twists her nipples?

Hardwon: "Oh, should I stab her...or...let her be?"

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb dies again.

Moonshine: She looks so peaceful!

DM Murph: So anyway, guys, let's get started. We're gonna start with Moonshine and Bev.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: You guys are in the Toegold household with Bev's mom, Nana Kindleaf, Erlin, and Egwene. You’re beat up and bloodied, Egwene and Erlin included. You can still hear the sounds of fighting in the distance, but sitting around this fireplace, it feels weirdly cozy. But outside...thunder hits, and it begins to rain.

Beverly: Oh, no. Not again.

Hardwon: [singing] Outside, it starts rainin'!

Moonshine: Wait a second, that's good! That's good it's rainin'! 'Cause all the houses are on fire.

Beverly: Oh, that is good! And you can shape water, right?

Moonshine: I shape all the water to just be, like, little -

DM Murph: Are you running out there right now? You're at 1 HP.

Moonshine: Yeah!

Beverly: I grab Moonshine's hand.

DM Murph: You're still -

Moonshine: When am I not gonna do a mark? I'm runnin' out-

Beverly: [panicking] "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Moonshine: Ah, okay.

DM Murph: Are you really?

Beverly: I'm buckling her overalls back up.

Moonshine: He buckles me to the banister.

[laughter]

Beverly: "Just - just take a bit, just take a moment." Well, now that you're restrained to the banister, I try and have a little chat with you.

Moonshine: Yeah.

Beverly: "Moonshine, I know that we're beat up, and there's not much we can do, but...we gotta try and get as many people to safety as we can."

Moonshine: "Yeah! I think so. I mean, if we can find Hardwon — I'm sure he's here somewhere... close by, in the area, you know..."

Beverly: "Yeah, yeah!"

Hardwon: I'm sure he's fine.

Moonshine: "Within a stick's throw."

DM Murph: [Paw Paw, urgent] "Reer! Reer reer, reer!" Paw Paw's just flipping out.

Moonshine: "Oh, hold on, Paw Paw's ringin'. Yeah, Paw Paw?"

DM Murph: [slightly mollified] "Reer."

Moonshine: "I think he just wants to eat." I shove some jerky-

Beverly: "Okay..."

DM Murph: His animal instincts are going off that Hardwon and Ol' Cobb are in trouble, but as soon as you put food in his mouth, he just starts contentedly eating it.

Hardwon: Takes a nap.

DM Murph: Yeah.

Beverly: "Let's take this to the pantry." We go to the pantry and get Paw Paw something to eat.

Moonshine: Okay. "Um...I may be at 1 hit point, but if there's just a private room, I'm learnin' a little somethin' about privacy on this trip. Is there just a private room I can go and sit naked, cross-legged and tweak my nipple?"

DM Murph: [Beverly's mom, pained] "Oh...uh..."

Beverly: "Mom, can she use the gift-wrapping room?"

DM Murph: "Hon- honey, uh...yeah, uh..."

Hardwon: [laughter] There's a crafts room.

DM Murph: "Honey, why don't you go in the bathroom, not Beverly's bathroom, just, you can go into my bathroom, okay?"

Moonshine: "Okay."

DM Murph: "And maybe just in the future, we could just say that we need to use the bathroom, how's that?"

Moonshine: "Okay. I'm still learnin' about privacy."

DM Murph: "We...yeah."

Beverly: I look at my mom and say, "I'll put out the guest towels."

DM Murph: "Thank you very much, hon."

Beverly: "Okay."

DM Murph: "Oh, honey, um...Beverly, uh, I know your father was upset that you broke your little legs? Do you remember when you did that - "

Beverly: "My sticks, yeah..."

DM Murph: "- and you showed up, you, you broke your walking sticks. Uh, but he did have something he wanted to give you for graduating the Green Teens, and you know, I, I think he'd want you to have it now." And she goes back, and she pulls out this little gift box with a big red ribbon in it, and she hands it to you.

Beverly: "Oh. Well, I do love a box!"

DM Murph: "Well, the present's inside, so..."

Beverly: "Is this mahogany?"

DM Murph: "It- no, this is a cardboard...box...just op- open the present."

Beverly: "Okay!"

DM Murph: "Open the present, wise guy."

Moonshine: Moonshine does that thing that little kids do, where they lurk around, 'cause they're kind of jealous that someone else got a present.

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Hm, what's that? Do you need help opening that?"

Hardwon: Just making noises. [grunt]

Beverly: I take a knife and I carefully cut the tape so the box can be reused. I undo the ribbon, and I hand it back to my mom and say, "You can put this in the gift-wrap room, mom."

DM Murph: "Oh, of course." She takes it and walks away.

Beverly: I open it up.

DM Murph: You open it up. You see a whetstone, like a sharpening stone, and it twinkles with green energy.

Beverly: "Ooh! I love that- that color energy. That's the color of my energy!"

Moonshine: "Oh, I think I know what this is. This is a crystal, right? Healing crystal?"

DM Murph: Beverly, you look at it, it is-

Moonshine: "You got it at a gift shop? Natural history museum?"

DM Murph: -it is a sharpening stone.

Beverly: A sharpening stone.

DM Murph: Very clearly not a crystal.

Moonshine: "I got one of those, yeah."

Beverly: "Stop trying to put this in your mouth!"

Moonshine: "Okay." I walk away and stop doing that.

Hardwon: Start tweaking your nipples early.

[laughter]

Beverly: “Oh, boy.” So, is this- I can sharpen my sword with it?

DM Murph: Yes

Beverly: Oh! Okay.

DM Murph: Yeah. You see your mom comes back from the- the what? The gift wrap room, were you saying?

Beverly: Yeah, the gift wrap room!

DM Murph: [sarcastically] Of course. Okay. She comes back from the gift wrap room and she says, "Yeah, it's, uh...you can put your sword through it, and you can sharpen it, uh...your, your father was practicing this whole speech he was gonna give you, about how the knight makes the sword, the sword doesn't make the knight. He was getting very nervous about it, he was rehearsing too much. Eventually he just said he was just gonna ship it to you without saying a word, which..."

Beverly: I- I'm bawling.

[laughter]

DM Murph: "Why are you crying? Your father just said he respected you, and that, you know, you'd find your own sword, and you'd make your own way, he didn't need to gift it to you..."

Beverly: [tearful] "It's been a long day, mom." I'm making my whetstone wetter. I pocket it, and I hug my mom. I say, "Thank you. I'll use it, and I'll...I'll make sure that I always think of you and dad when I do."

DM Murph: "Oh, honey. I'm thinking about you all the time, so...I hope you think about me, uh...more than just when you use your sword."

Moonshine: "Y'all, I'm so sorry, uh...I keep opening doors, and they keep bein' linen closets."

Beverly: "Okay...I'll lead her to the second guest bathroom."

DM Murph: "Oh, please do, honey."

Beverly: "Okay." I walk Moonshine to the second guest bathroom, I lay down a lot of towels on the ground. I stay for a little too long while you begin your nipple-tweaking ceremony.

DM Murph: I will also say that I'm gonna let you guys take a little bit of an expedited short rest here, and I'm also gonna give Hardwon a little short rest because I fucked up-

Beverly: Oh!

DM Murph: -last time, in a way that screwed you guys up quite a bit, which is that, uh...some people pointed out to me that death saving throws happen at the beginning of your turn, so you should be able to take a full turn. So you guys got way more messed up than you had to be, poppin' up and gettin' knocked down.

Beverly: Yeah! I should have, like, 5 more HP right now!

[laughter]

Beverly: I should be totally fine!

DM Murph: So, this'll just be a half-hour short rest, you guys won't need to take a full hour.

Beverly: Yeah, we're just catchin' our breath.

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys are just catching your breath.

Beverly: All right, cool.

Moonshine: But this- I get my spell slots?

DM Murph: Yeah. Go ahead- you guys roll your-

Moonshine: And I get to roll hit dice? Do I get to roll all five of my hit dice? I didn't use it before...

DM Murph: You can roll as many as you'd like, yeah.

Hardwon: Sick.

DM Murph: So, Hardwon, why don't you go roll yours as well?

[dice rolling]

Moonshine: I got an 8!

DM Murph: Oh my goodness! You're gonna-

Moonshine: Wait, do I get to add my wisdom modifier?

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: Wow.

Beverly: [quietly] Oh, boy.

Moonshine: "Thank you for laying down all those guest towels."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Eww!

Beverly: [disturbed] "No problem..."

DM Murph: [Paw Paw, disapproving] "Reer!" Paw Paw leaves, and he does curl up with a book near the fire.

Moonshine: Aww, that's so cute! I curl up with him!

DM Murph: But he's eating the book.

Moonshine: I know, but I think he's reading it.

DM Murph: [Paw Paw, pretending to read] "Reer. Reer, reer, reer."

Moonshine: And I think he's so smart. I'm just pettin' him, bein' like, "You are so smart!"

DM Murph: You see him [Paw Paw, agitated] "Reer reer reer!" Tearing out pages, eating them.

Moonshine: "Look at him!"

DM Murph: Martha Toegold's just like, "Oh, god. Um...oh...okay."

Moonshine: "I'm thinkin' about enrolling him in college. He's already a lawyer."

DM Murph: "Oh, honey! Honey, he's eating a book."

Moonshine: "I know. He is a ravenous reader."

Beverly: Okay, while we're communing, I want to talk to Nana Kindleaf. I just wanna ask of her wisdom. I say, "Nana Kindleaf, what do you think we should do? You're a respected elder in the community."

DM Murph: [Nana] "Oh, you know. Um...I've lived a long life, and..."

Beverly: "Okay. Wow."

DM Murph: "It's...I'm very tired. Today's been a very long day. I would love to just go back to my house, and...and..." [Egwene, irritated] "We can't go back to our house, Grandma."

Beverly: I look over at Egwene and say, "I thought that would be more helpful than it was. Egwene, what do you think we should do?"

DM Murph: "I think we need to get the hell out of here."

Beverly: "Okay."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I think we need to go on a mission, collect the neighbors, then find Hardwon, and then shoot off into the sky. Battlestar Galactica. Lookin' for a new home."

Beverly: "Sounds good. We have a plan."

DM Murph: Guys, go ahead and give me a perception check.

Beverly: I want to do a perception check to see if Nana Kindleaf has any Werther's Originals in her pockets, and then I'll do the other bullshit perception you want me to do.

Moonshine: I got a 16 to find out if Nana Kindleaf has Werther's Originals in her pocket.

[laughter]

Beverly: I got a 19.

DM Murph: Okay, you guys look in Nana Kindleaf's bag, and there are so many.

Beverly: Yooo!

DM Murph: There are two full bags of Werther's Originals.

Moonshine: I put 'em in my mouth and I spit it out. "Oh, so sweet! Sticky! Ugh, no. Abomination to the tongue."

Beverly: "I know, right?! So good!"

DM Murph: [Nana] "Oh, nasty little children." And she smacks you both on the head. "You're nasty little children. I want to go home.

Beverly: "Nana Kindleaf, can I have some Werther's, pleeeease?"

DM Murph: "Rude little boy. Sure." She smacks you again on the head.

[laughter]

Beverly: "Oh, okay..."

DM Murph: Do a perception check for the real thing.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: If you guys roll poorly...

Moonshine: I did roll worse.

DM Murph: Oh my god!

Moonshine: I got a 12.

DM Murph: [laughing incredulously]

Hardwon: Hey, Caldwell got a fucking 2.

Beverly: I got a 2! [laughter] God damn it!

DM Murph: Okay!

Beverly: Band of 2s!

DM Murph: So...

Beverly: Back in the shit, let's do it!

DM Murph: You guys are back in the shit.

Moonshine: You know, we wouldn't be ourselves if we didn't do stuff like that.

DM Murph: You guys are kind of distracted at this point. You’ve been out of battle for, like, half an hour, forty-five minutes now. You guys are feeling a bit relaxed, you guys have cured yourselves, you guys are...taking Werther's-

Moonshine: I got a pocket full of spells!

DM Murph: You got a pocket full of spells.

Hardwon: Bev's got one full of Werther's.

DM Murph: Suddenly, you see, a little too late, the corner of an airship in the window.

Moonshine: [gasp]

DM Murph: Go ahead and roll initiative.

Moonshine: Oh...

Beverly: All right.

[dice rolling]

Moonshine: Oooh! Okay, that's gonna be a 20.

Beverly: 16 for me.

Moonshine: "Hey, man."

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "I just had my time w' Melora."

DM Murph: Moonshine, you run over to the window. You see this airship has pulled up parallel to the Toegold residence, and you see three cannons come out of the hull. Now I roll for everyone. [breath of disbelief] I rolled two 1s.

Beverly: Yeah!

Moonshine: Yeah, bitch!

Hardwon: Shitty cannons.

DM Murph: This is for your family. [dice rolling] To help themselves.

Beverly: Oh. Oops. [fearful] Oh!

Hardwon: You know Nana Kindleaf didn't roll high.

Moonshine: Nana Kindleaf gets a 25...

DM Murph: Okay, so...

Hardwon: She's lived a long, happy life.

DM Murph: At this moment right here, what you guys have just rolled initiative for? These cannons are about to go off. Running out of the house, taking cover? All of these things will be made harder depending on how many people you grab. Moonshine, it is your turn first.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: Okay. Okay, so, I guess we'll just- we just need to escape.

DM Murph: Yeah. It's- so-

Beverly: We have to do some tactical scoops.

DM Murph: Yeah. So ,what do you do? You gotta do tactical scoops.

Moonshine: I scoop Nana.

DM Murph: You scoop Nana. You got-

Moonshine: I scoop- yeah.

DM Murph: You got Nana in your arms. You're gonna run out the front door, or you're gonna go deeper into the house?

Moonshine: Oh, no, we're just goin' out the front door.

DM Murph: Cool. Grabbing someone and running outside, opening the door with them and running out and kinda hitting the deck, that's a DC15 acrobatics or athletics check.

Beverly: Ha cha cha...

[dice rolling]

Moonshine: Uh...I got 18.

DM Murph: 18!

Beverly: Hell yeah!

DM Murph: You scoop Nana, run outside, just dive and hit the deck. That is...you, Beverly.

Beverly: I want to grab Erlin with one hand and my mom with the other, and kind of lead them along, towards the exit.

DM Murph: Okay. Great. If you're grabbing both of them, that's gonna be another 5, so that's a DC- you're going outside?

Beverly: Yes.

DM Murph: Okay. DC20 athletics or acrobatics.

Beverly: Hoo. Okay. I have 4 in athletics, so...let's...let's give it my all! [dice rolling] I rolled a one. But!

DM Murph: Okay!

[laughter]

Hardwon: Lucky! Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Beverly: Ah...all my 20 juice! I used it up last time!

Hardwon: Come on, this is for love.

Beverly: But wait, maybe my 20 juice was actually just water the whole time? Hold on, this label's coming right o- I'm gonna roll.

DM Murph: Okay.

[dice rolling]

Beverly: Ugh!

Moonshine: Wait, that might be good- oh.

Beverly: That's a 14.

DM Murph: 14?

Beverly: Yeah.

DM Murph: You...grab your mom and Erlin and start to run to the door, but they're too heavy. You can't get out fast enough. You had to drop one of 'em.

Beverly: Oh, god! Oh, no! Fuck, I...ugh...I...I grab my mom.

DM Murph: Cool. You grab your mom, you rush out. Erlin was kind of falling over, he was kind of caught flat-footed, and tripped and fell down as you grabbed your mom.

Moonshine: Egwene'll get 'im.

Beverly: I'm counting on Egwene, but as I grab my mom, I pass the amulet to Erlin.

DM Murph: Okay. [Erlin] "Thanks, dude! I can- don't worry, dude, I'm not gonna get in the way, I can- I can handle myself!" And you hear from behind, [Egwene] "Shut up, you idiot, I'll save you!" And Egwene runs up. She, luckily, is the only other person that acted before the cannons. So...good thing everybody got to scoop somebody. So she runs over, and, you know what, she is going to have to do an athletics check to try to get...[dice rolling] Erlin out. She gets a...17, so she's cool just scooping one person.

Beverly: [relieved sigh] Good scoop.

DM Murph: So, she runs over, she scoops Erlin, and you guys all run out-

Beverly: "Oh, thank you, Egwene!"

DM Murph: -and dive and jump on the ground as cannons- boof! [glass shatters] -shoot out and blow out the front of the Toegold residence.

Moonshine: "Y'all, it's just material possessions, there's a stump with your name on it down at the Crick."

[laughter]

Beverly: "Aw, we just had that bathroom remodeled. Oh, boy."

DM Murph: So meanwhile, Hardwon. You don't know what time it is. You just know that you're in a bunk below the deck of an airship. You don't know where you're going. You're sitting there with Ol' Cobb, who's pretty dang beaten up, but you guys both got your little short rest. You ecovered. You guys have been down here, for, like...Ol' Cobb tells you you have been down there for, like, half an hour, forty-five minutes.

Hardwon: "Ugh, Cobb, I feel like I drank too much Crick water last night."

DM Murph: [Cobb] "We also did that, in addition to gettin' beat up."

Hardwon: "All right, where the fuck are we?"

DM Murph: "Honestly, I don't know where the hell we are, brother. We got taken down here by, uh...oh, that guy." And you see he points to Matthew, AKA Matthias, AKA Big Matty Crits...

Moonshine: He became Matthias of House Crit.

DM Murph: Matthias of House Crit. He's this young, skinny human guy. He's young. He looks like he's maybe seventeen years old, and he's got shaggy brown hair. He's leading an older gnome and a bunch of other citizens down a ladder, and he goes, "Come on. Come on. Into the cargo hold. You'll be safer down there." And he's leading people. You see he's all bloodied up and super fucked up, and he looks into the room and sees you guys, and he goes, "You guys are...okay. I'm glad you're alright."

Hardwon: "Thanks to you, man."

DM Murph: "Hey, you softened him up for me. Honestly, I'm kind of a weenie. It's...amazing I survived."

Hardwon: "You are not a weenie."

DM Murph: "Just complete luck of the draw that I survived."

Hardwon: "Absolute epic battle of Hardwon Surefoot, Bastard of the Mountain. Who the heck are you?"

DM Murph: "My name's Matthew. Just Matthew."

Hardwon: "Matty Crits. How's it goin'?"

DM Murph: "Please don't call me that. It's just Matthew."

Hardwon: "Matthias of House Crit."

DM Murph: "Just Matthew..."

Hardwon: "Meet my man Ol’ Cobb."

DM Murph: [Cobb] "Hey, how you doin', Matty Crits?" [Matthew] "Again, just Matthew."

Hardwon: "Give this man a pull of the flask, Cobb."

DM Murph: [Cobb] "Big Matty Crits. Let's have a drink, brother."

Hardwon: "You're gonna love this Crick water, brother."

DM Murph: [Matthew] "I, you know, we really shouldn't be drinking right now, things are-"

Hardwon: "Just one pull. Matty Crits can do it."

DM Murph: "-things are pretty dire. We've got- the whole ship is full of refugees, we've been gathering people, and we're gonna get- we're gettin' out of dodge. We're leaving Upper Galaderon."

Hardwon: "All right, I gotta get up onto deck. I actually, uh...was born on one of these bad boys here. I know my way around." I trip a little bit.

DM Murph: [laughter] You're like, a little seasick.

Hardwon: "Augh..."

DM Murph: You just vomit a little bit.

Hardwon: "Gee wiz, that's the Crick water."

DM Murph: You see Matthew goes, "...Okay! Cool! Um, I'm gonna go get some more refugees to safety."

Hardwon: "Hey, one second. You got any R. Cane?"

DM Murph: "Uh...I- I'm sorry, what is R. Cane? Magic?"

Hardwon: "Never mind. Let's- let me up on the deck, let's see where we're at."

DM Murph: Cool. So you guys walk up to the deck and you see that the deck is rife with activity. There are dozens of very frightened citizens, families, many of them being led below deck by the White Knights. Their tabards are all stained with blood. You see Lieutenant Naman barking out orders while another White Knight drives the ship. There are still airship battles going on throughout the sky, and there's still some fighting in Upper Galaderon, but this ship is kind of decidedly for the good guys. You guys did win the ship. You guys got backup eventually, and they took it over.

Hardwon: House Crit.

DM Murph: And they're evacuating people. They're putting people down in the cargo load and stuff, they normally can't fit this many people on an airship. And, Hardwon, give me a perception check. I will also have Ol' Cobb do it, 'cause you're not very perceptive.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] Uh, 12.

DM Murph: 12. Okay. All you needed was a 10. This one isn't too difficult.

Hardwon: Woo!

DM Murph: You're probably looking out there, kinda surveying the scene in Upper Galaderon, making sure everybody's okay. You guys are kind of heading away from it, but you guys are still pretty close. You're about a hundred feet from the walkway. You see, in the distance, in the direction of Bev's home, you see an airship shooting into a house. Not Bev's house, but one that's far away. And it looks like that airship's job might be to, like...blow people's houses up.

Hardwon: "Bear? Hey. Those guys are blowin' up houses, and my friends are over there. Uh..."

DM Murph: Are you saying this to Lieutenant Naman?

Hardwon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

DM Murph: Okay, so you march up to the leader guy.

Hardwon: "Hey, uh, Lieutenant, sir, uh...that ship is..."

DM Murph: [Naman] "Thank you. Thank you for showing respect. This is a stressful day. It's important that people remember their ranks and such."

Hardwon: "That's right."

Moonshine: Hardwon bends the knee. Just kidding.

DM Murph: "Have you thought about becoming a paladin?"

Hardwon: "Uh, no, I'm good, but I appreciate the sentiment."

DM Murph: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "That airship is shooting a bunch of houses, and my friends are over there, so I'm gonna need you to, respectfully, drop me off."

DM Murph: "Oh. Um, well, I mean, we have an entire ship full of people here. They'd be in danger. We'd be endangering all of them just for..."

Hardwon: "That's your captain's house over there."

DM Murph: Yeah, you see he does look out. He knows where Captain Toegold lives. He goes, "And there's...his family's still there, they haven't been evacuated?"

Hardwon: "There's teenage boys in there."

DM Murph: You see he really chews out another guy, who was responsible for that area. You see he gives you a look, like, 'why'd you sell me out, man?'

[laughter]

Hardwon: I give him the finger.

Moonshine: Hardwon the Narc! Can we say that the White Knights start calling him Hardwon the Narc?

Beverly: Narcwon.

Hardwon: I'll tattletale on your scrawny ass any time you leave somebody in a house to be murdered.

DM Murph: [laughter] Roll initiative against the White Knights. I'm just kidding. So, you see Lieutenant Naman says, "I can't bring the ship close, but...you can have some of my men, and you can run there on foot."

Hardwon: "Great."

DM Murph: Okay. You see a bunch of his guys, a bunch of his little weenie guard guys, join you. There're about ten of them. You guys got a little troop here, you guys got a little army, and they hand you guys grappling hooks. [guards] "They said we don't have time to stop, so we just have to throw it into the side of the mountain and swing over."

Hardwon: "Let's do it. I'm the man. Watch this."

[laughter]

DM Murph: Go ahead and give me an athletics check. I'll do an athletics check for each of these guys. It's not that hard, just...serious failure will be bad.

[dice rolling]

Hardwon: Oh, fuck yeah. I got a-

DM Murph: You just gotta beat a 5. To not, like-

Hardwon: I got a 24. I just want- I just want this to sound as epic as it actually is.

DM Murph: You fucking succeed wildly.

Hardwon: Damn right I do.

DM Murph: You guys all throw your grappling hooks into the side of the mountain. You, Cobb, and ten of these White Knights, these White-

Moonshine: Daaang!

DM Murph: We'll call them White Weenies, 'cause they're not full knights.

Hardwon: As I'm swinging, I just want to turn around, point, and wink at Matty Crits.

[laughter]

DM Murph: Matty Crits goes, "Okay."

Hardwon: And flip off the other knight, that...

DM Murph: [guard that Hardwon narced on] "You told on me, jerk." Hardwon swings into action. Cobb is with you, these guard guys are with you. Are you guys just taking off towards Bev's house?

Hardwon: Yeah. “That's my scout in there.”

DM Murph: You guys start running towards Bev's house, hauling ass as the ship gets closer and closer to Bev's house, until finally, it pulls in front of it. You see the cannons come out from the hull.

Hardwon: [distraught] "No!"

DM Murph: The cannon balls shoot out. As they shoot out, though, you see Moonshine dive out, holding an old woman that you've never seen before.

Moonshine: I say, "Quit wrigglin'! You're worse than a bullywug baby straight out the vagina!"

DM Murph: [Nana Kindleaf] "Such bad, such fresh children!" She smacks you in the head. Moonshine and this old woman who's smacking her dive down. You see Bev and his mom run out and hit the deck, and you see the Lady Snake, Egwene, who you saw from the sword, runs out carrying Erlin, and they all hit the deck as Bev's house explodes, and rocks come down, and the whole thing just caves in on itself. Everybody roll initiative. You guys are now in this giant battle.

Moonshine: Can I just keep my 20 from before? No? [dice rolling] Okay, 10.

Hardwon: 13.

Beverly: 12.

Hardwon: What about my ten men?

DM Murph: I've got your ten men. Your ten men are here.

Moonshine: Yeah, Hardwon, you showed up with an army!

Hardwon: A small army. But all I needed was Cobb.

Beverly: What do you call-

DM Murph: Are you guys talking at all? Hardwon suddenly shows up with a bunch of dudes.

Moonshine: Have we convened?

DM Murph: Yeah, you guys are in it now.

Moonshine: "Hardwon!"

Beverly: "Hardwon!"

Moonshine: "We were just comin' to collect you! We need that stone! We're gonna call Uncle Red..."

DM Murph: [Nana Kindleaf] "What are you doin', runnin' up here? Such fresh children."

Moonshine: "Oh, don't you slap him."

Hardwon: "Who's the bitch?"

Moonshine: "Oh, this is Nana Whi- Whistlechild."

Hardwon: "And who's this tween?"

Moonshine: [laughing] Oh, no...

Beverly: "That's Egwene. That's Erlin's sister."

DM Murph: [Egwene] "I'm not a tween, I'm a full teen, dick."

Hardwon: "Sure you are."

Moonshine: "Yeah, she shops at-"

Hardwon: "How's it goin', Erlin?"

DM Murph: [Erlin] "Oh, hey, dude! It's good to see you!"

Hardwon: "Low five."

DM Murph: He runs over and he hugs you.

Beverly: He hugs the hand.

DM Murph: He hugs the hand. He hugs your giant hand.

Moonshine: "Bev, don't get jealous, don't get jealous."

Beverly: "Ugh..."

DM Murph: I want to turn to Mrs. Toegold, too. "Did these motherfuckers just blow up your kitchen?"

DM Murph: [Martha Toegold] "Oh, please don't use coarse language, but yes, these mf-ers did. They blew up my whole kitchen. The sticky buns are gone."

Beverly: "We call 'em mommyhonkers."

Hardwon: "Hey, friends, let's go, let’s go kill these guys."

Moonshine: "Honestly, Hardwon, you know, the greater indecency is, we met up with Mama Toegold, and she didn't even have time to make sticky buns!"

Hardwon: [whispered sincerely] "I am so sorry to hear that."

Moonshine: "Yeah. I thought you might. Everyone needs a little fire under their butt right before a battle."

Beverly: "Yeah, I had, like, a model scale of the planets, uh, suspended from my roof? Pretty sure that's gone, too."

Moonshine: "Oh, I caught Saturn."

Beverly: "Oh!"

DM Murph: Okay, so these archers go first, so I'm just gonna say-

Hardwon: Are these my archers, or archers on the ship?

DM Murph: These are archers on the ship. You do not have archers with you. You just have ten dudes.

Moonshine: Aww. Nice try, though, right?

Hardwon: Yeah. Thought I'd sneak it in.

Moonshine: Yeah...

DM Murph: Yeah. 'Your archers.' Okay, so there are five of these guys, and they are going to shoot...

Moonshine: Five Guys? Mm...somethin' smells good.

DM Murph: These are Five Guys Burgers and Fries again. They are going to shoot fries at you guys. So, we'll say these first guys'll shoot at Bev and Moonshine. We'll say three at Bev, two at Moonshine.

Moonshine: "Bring it on, come on!"

Hardwon: Nobody wants to try and hit Nana?

DM Murph: [dice rolling] Oh my god, they rolled a 1, an 8, a 5, a 9, and a 2. They...they all miss.

Moonshine: They might hit me. Oh, they do? Ha-ha!

Beverly: Aww, beautiful!

DM Murph: No, they don't have enough of a plus to get you.

Moonshine: I shimmy defiantly.

Beverly: Yeah, we bust some fuckin' moves!

DM Murph: Their first shots miss, they take second shots at you guys as you bust moves.

Moonshine: Oh, they get another...

Beverly: Oh, no!

DM Murph: And they roll a little bit better this time.

Moonshine: Oh, no...why does that always happen? See, I need to remember that everyone else in this world gets two attacks.

DM Murph: One hits Moonshine, one hits Moonshine...4.

Moonshine: "Bring it on, come on!" I- really, it was gonna hit me the whole time, but I pretend like I jump in front of Nana.

[laughter]

DM Murph: 8.

Moonshine: Okay, that's gonna hurt. [laughter]

Beverly: Oh, no.

DM Murph: 8 damage on Moonshine. These guys shot. That's actually you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: All right, sweet.

DM Murph: So, kind of same deal as last time. The crew is...you've got five archers, and then you've got about ten of these wiener-y guard-looking guys. Captain is...suspiciously missing.

Beverly: Hm.

DM Murph: And you know that there are at least a few more guys down in the hull, because somebody was shooting the cannons.

Hardwon: Okay, so first, I want to tell Nana and Martha and Erlin, "You guys go take cover anywhere you can," and then I'm gonna turn to my friends and say-

Moonshine: "Oh, go to Nesmond's." [sic]

Hardwon: "Go over to Nesbin's! All right? He's deep, deep in the basement."

DM Murph: [Erlin] "I think his house is probably gonna get screwed up, too. I think we're just gonna hide behind some rocks over here."

Moonshine: "Y'all, I love that. That's a, that's a game down at the Crick."

Hardwon: "Do whatever you think is best."

DM Murph: Erlin grabs Martha Toegold and Nana, and he looks at you, Beverly, and he said, "I don't blame you, dude. You shouldn't have to save me all the time. No one should have to save me."

Beverly: "I'll always save you, Erlin!"

Moonshine: Oh my god. Can we just fast-forward to Erlin doing push-ups in his room, being like, 'I must earn the love that I feel!'

Hardwon: Get angry, Erlin.

DM Murph: Erlin is just trying his best to save face now, and help as best he can. He runs off with the moms.

Beverly: "Put that hiding badge to good use!"

Hardwon: "All right, guys. Me and Cobb took a ship before."

Beverly: [after mishearing 'ship' as 'shit'] "You took a shit?"

Moonshine: "You what?"

Hardwon: "Pretty crazy. We took a ship, it was..."

Moonshine: "Oh, sh-!" [laughter]

Beverly: "Okay. I don't know why you needed to tell us that."

DM Murph: [Cobb] "We took a huge ship."

Hardwon: "It took us all day, but Cobb and I took a ship, all right?"

Beverly: I love it.

Moonshine: "Okay, I mean, I took a couple myself, but I’ve been, I’ve been learnin' privacy, so I’ve been keeping it to myself..."

Hardwon: "No, ship. [enunciating the 'p'] Ship-p-p-p, with a 'p'. Guys, we gotta go onto this boat."

Beverly: "Yeah, let's get on this boat."

Moonshine: [agreeing] "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

DM Murph: All right. You see it is- at this point, they've thrown down little anchors, so you guys can jump onto it if you'd like.

Hardwon: All right, let's charge it.

DM Murph: So...it is just your turn right now, Hardwon. You charging in? What are you doing?

Hardwon: I am charging in. I am going to go for the guards.

DM Murph: You run in, jump on the ship. These guys pull out their swords. You rush at them with your axe. Take a swing.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] That is gonna hit. That's a 25.

DM Murph: That hits.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] I hit him for...9.

DM Murph: Cool. He is still alive, but he's very hurt.

Hardwon: Great. Well, I'm gonna swing at him again.

DM Murph: Cool.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] And that time I will probably miss. That's an 11.

DM Murph: That does not hit.

Hardwon: That makes sense.

DM Murph: Okay. That is actually Bev's turn.

Beverly: Alright. Yeah. I follow Hardwon.

DM Murph: Cool. Jump on- you going after guards, or archers? What're you doing?

Beverly: I'll try and see if I can cleave some archers.

DM Murph: You take a swing at an archer.

Beverly: [dice rolling] Hmm...6+8, what is that?

DM Murph: 6+8 is 14.

Beverly: 14?

DM Murph: That hits.

Beverly: Oh, look at that!

Hardwon: Woo!

DM Murph: These guys have leather armor on. They're not super tough.

Beverly: All right, let me roll some dice.

Hardwon: Would my 11 have hit?

DM Murph: No. No, no, you gotta do better than that.

Hardwon: Cool. Makes sense.

Beverly: That's 15 damage.

DM Murph: Oi! He's on death's door. Super, super hurt.

Beverly: Yeah, let me try and-

DM Murph: Take that second attack and hurt some of these guys.

Beverly: Cleavin' and weavin'! Here we go. [dice rolling]

Hardwon: Remember the goat men?

Beverly: That's a...

Hardwon: How easy it was to kill them?

DM Murph: These guys are a little better than the goat men, but...

Beverly: That's 17. That's my roll.

DM Murph: 17 AC hits.

Moonshine: They're leavin’ less of a stain on my soul.

Beverly: That's 10 damage.

DM Murph: Tell me how you kill this one guy. He was at 1 HP, and you kill him so bad.

Beverly: Um, I fake with my sword, and then I kick him off the boat.

DM Murph: [laughter] Cool. But you need to cleave, so I'll...I guess you'll do, like, a kicking action while stabbing into the next guy.

Beverly: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

DM Murph: I’ll allow that, cool. You kick this guy off the boat, and he goes, [getting quieter as he falls] "Dick move! It's gonna take so long for me to diiiiiiiiiiiiiie! [gasp for breath] Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

Beverly: "Okay..."

DM Murph: [Another gasp] "Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" You hear him echoing, taking breaths and falling.

Beverly: I kind of, like, shrug at Hardwon.

DM Murph: Screams all of his regrets, deep in the distance, falling forever.

Beverly: "That was for you, Erlin!"

DM Murph: [Erlin] "I don't need to be saved, dude!"

Hardwon: "Erlin's getting angsty."

Moonshine: "I love it. Somethin's changed between you two youngin’s. I love it."

Beverly: Oh no. Whirlwind.

DM Murph: You super hurt this other guy. You stab into him, you get under his little weenie leather armor- [scoffing] who doesn't wear heavy plate?

Beverly: God, this is like a German restaurant. So many weenies around here.

DM Murph: Yeah. You stab this weenie, and that is Moonshine's turn.

Moonshine: My eyes roll back into my head, and I say, "Storm's a-brewin'." And then I Call Lightning down.

Hardwon: Yeah, it is raining, too, right?

DM Murph: Yeah, it's already raining, so these guys go- no, no, you see Egwene goes, "Yeah, I know that a storm is a-brewing. What are-?"

Moonshine: And I say, "Shut up, little lady. I kissed up to you for long enough. Watch a bitch Call Lightning."

[laughter]

Moonshine: And then I Call Lightning down.

DM Murph: [as Egwene] "Oh my god, that was awesome."

Moonshine: And then I Call Lightning down. So, I want to, like...as many creatures as I can within a five-foot point, but not hurting Bev or Hardwon.

DM Murph: Okay. You can definitely get, like, six guards.

Moonshine: Yeah. TThey have to make dexterity saving throws.

DM Murph: Oh, okay. [dice rolling]

Hardwon: Look out.

DM Murph: Three- half of 'em saved.

Moonshine: Okay, so anyone who saved takes 10, and anyone who didn't takes 20.

DM Murph: What?! Uh...

Moonshine: Yeah.

Hardwon: You killed three of 'em.

DM Murph: Lightning comes down and obliterates three of them. They're just gone. You just see chain shirts flop down, comically smoking. These other guys look super scared and super hurt, they're gonna-

Moonshine: Can I- can I say the wisps of smoke coming from them spell out the name 'Melora', but I can't read it?

[laughter]

DM Murph: Um, no, because you don't know how to spell Melora. Paw Paw tries to tell you how he would spell Melora. [Paw Paw, spelling instructively] "Reer. Reer, reer, reer. Reer. Reer, reer." You guys just see, once again, 'mo' in the air.

Beverly: Moonshine's back!

DM Murph: Okay, so now these Chosen guards are gonna go. How many of them are there left? Jesus.

Hardwon: I just love that Egwene went from being, like, [imitating Egwene snottily] "I know it's raining," to just seeing three people explode into fucking smoke.

Moonshine: Well, last time she saw me fight, I was using 0-level spells, AKA cantrips...

Hardwon: She saw you give people fleas.

DM Murph: Yeah, you see she has, like, hair down in her face, you can even see it under her helm, she kind of wipes her bangs to the side, and she goes, "That was actually pretty cool. I didn't know you could do that."

Beverly: Ah, the respect of a teen!

DM Murph: "I thought you were just a big, weird, bug lady."

Moonshine: I pretend like it doesn't feel so good, but it feels so good to get the respect of a teen.

Beverly: Respect of a teen is the rarest treasure in all of D&D!

DM Murph: Okay. So, there are seven of these guard guys. They are...you know what? Hardwon is fighting them while Bev's after the archers, so they're gonna take cracks at you. But this isn't as dire as last time.

Beverly: No, no, no.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] Let's see here....okay. One crit, and one hit.

Hardwon: Why do people crit on my ass all the time?

Moonshine: I don't know, you-

DM Murph: [as the guard] "Crit on my ass! Crit all over my ass!"

Moonshine: "You li'l crit-stain!"

Hardwon: "You crit on my ass, man!"

Beverly: "My buttcheeks are critical."

DM Murph: That is 14 damage.

Hardwon: Okay.

DM Murph: These White Knight weenies act. They run onto the ship, following their new leader, who they follow with such- such zeal. Does that make sense?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: I'm revered.

DM Murph: Yeah? Zeal?

Moonshine: Oh, I know somethin' about zeal.

DM Murph: Yeah, zealous. You're zealous.

Hardwon: They're all tweaking their nipples as they run on the ship.

Moonshine: Tweak a nip!

DM Murph: [White Knight guard] "Did you just tweak your nipple?"

Hardwon: "Tweak! Tweak away, men!"

DM Murph: So, I'm gonna roll.

Hardwon: "Give yourself a titty twister!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: I'm gonna roll ten d20s as these guys attack the other guards, of which there are only six.

Moonshine: Oh, wait, yeah, they're just so cute!

DM Murph: And many of them are so hurt. Oh, guys! You did...okay? Oh, there's a crit.

Beverly: Aww, fellas!

Moonshine: Is there? What are the statistics of there being a crit?

Hardwon: Two!

DM Murph: Two crits.

Beverly: Oh, we got-

Hardwon: A lot of people crit for my ass all the time.

DM Murph: Okay. Okay. Guy who crits-

Moonshine: Crit for me. Crit for me!

Hardwon: That's how I have sex from now on.

DM Murph: Crit on my ass!

Hardwon: Daddy gonna make you crit? Huh?

Moonshine: [Vaguely imitating sex moans] Oh, I'm gonna crit! I'm gonna crit! Aw, I'm critting, I'm critting, I'm critting.

DM Murph: Disgusting. Okay, so-

Hardwon: So you'll never get laid again.

DM Murph: Four guys hit. So, the guy crit takes out a full-health one, and these other three guys that hit are gonna take out the guys that were at 1 HP. Jesus.

Hardwon: Three guards left.

DM Murph: There's three guards left. There's only three guards left on their side.

Beverly: Doin' good!

DM Murph: You guys are doing...

Beverly: Efficient!

Hardwon: Where's Cobb and Egwene at? Are they...

DM Murph: They're lower in the order.

Hardwon: Got it.

DM Murph: First...something happens.

Hardwon: Oh, no.

Moonshine: Aww...motherfucker.

Beverly: Aw, he's got that little grin.

DM Murph: I got this grin. After these White Weenies go, only three guards left, it looks like you guys have the battle won.

Hardwon: "We'll win the day!"

DM Murph: [Cobb] "Yeah, nothin' bad could possibly happen!"

Moonshine: Moonshine's feelin' good.

Hardwon: "Purple nurples for everyone!"

DM Murph: [as Egwene] "This fight is easy."

Moonshine: Yeah. Moonshine's like, "Yo, Egwene, you want to get, uh...you want to get jobs at the ice cream shop down by the shore this summer?"

DM Murph: "I mean, yeah. We just have this ship. We could just go wherever we want."

Moonshine: "Oh my god!"

Beverly: "Road trip!"

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "Why do I need attention from teenagers?"

DM Murph: So suddenly, you guys see two guards run out from below deck, as well as a cloaked dwarf.

Beverly: Oh, no.

Moonshine: Oh, he's a li'l druid, isn't he?

DM Murph: Holding a greataxe.

Beverly: Oh, no.

Moonshine: Okay, maybe not.

DM Murph: The dwarf has a Chosen Knight standing with him, who is this tall, skinny man with very pointy features. He almost looks elvish. This knight guy holds a holy symbol, which is a platinum amulet with a gold sword on it. It glows with a radiant energy. The knight presents it to the dwarf, who kind of shudders, and then the knight points to the little White Knight weenie guys and yells, "Get them, Ulfgar!"

Beverly: "Nooooo!"

Moonshine: Ahh! We're meeting fuckin' Ulfgar?

DM Murph: Ulfgar roars and charges into combat.

Moonshine: [gasps] "No! He's under some kind of spell!"

Beverly: "What did they do to him?"

Moonshine: "He's under some kind of spell, doesn't it sound like it?"

Hardwon: "Oh, it's that little fuckin' amulet thing, yeah."

DM Murph: On Ulfgar's turn, you see him rush up to these ten white weenies. He takes his first swing. [dice rolling]

Moonshine: "This little fuckin' knight...I'm freein' Ulfgar, I believe in his innocence. Manchurian Ulfgar."

Hardwon: "I've been a big fan of Ulfgar for a long time. This is not the Ulfgar that I know."

Moonshine: "I know, I'm devastated! I'm devastated right now."

DM Murph: You see he's got a cloak over his face.

Hardwon: Oh, so I don't-

Moonshine: "I kind of built up Ulfgar in my head, and now, it's like...he's this cool guy, he's..."

Beverly: "Yeah..."

DM Murph: Yeah. In one hit, chops two of 'em in half. Two guys, gone.

Hardwon: "Geez."

Beverly: "I don't know if that's Ulfgar, but that seemed pretty Ulfgar to me."

DM Murph: He takes his second swing, and he hits.

Beverly: He gets two attacks?

[laughter]

DM Murph: Ulfgar hits for three, he just has one attack, he's got a little dagger. And he swings through two more guys. He takes his third attack.

Beverly: Hmm.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] And he hits, believe it or not...

Hardwon: Oh boy.

DM Murph: And he slices through one guy, greatly injures another guy. He takes a fourth attack. [dice rolling] And he hits. [dice rolling] He goes through that guy that he just greatly injured, chops another dude in half, and hurts another guy really badly.

Moonshine: I mean, I really want him to be on our side.

Hardwon: Yeah.

Beverly: Yeah. That would be good.

DM Murph: Ulfgar takes a fifth attack.

Beverly: Huh.

Hardwon: I really hate this, but I'm goddamn impressed.

Moonshine: I know, me too.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] And he crits.

Moonshine: I'm trying not to ovulate.

DM Murph: [dice rolling] He does so much damage. On this crit, he slices through the remaining guys, and all of the white weenies are dead.

Beverly: "Aw, he halved our weenies."

Hardwon: "That was my fucking army."

Beverly: "You chubbed our weenies! Ulfgar chubbed our weenies!"

Moonshine: "Ulfgar, I never took you for a chubbaweenie!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: You see him- [Ulfgar grunting furiously] "Grrr! Grrrr! GRAAAAHHH!"

Moonshine: "He's under a spell! Get the amulet away from him! Get the amulet away from that little knight!"

Beverly: "I don't think we can fight him...not like this."

Moonshine: "I'm not goin' for Ulfgar, I'm goin' for the frickin' amulet."

DM Murph: That is Ol' Cobb's turn, and he looks at you guys, he goes, "What are you- what are you guys talkin'-"

Moonshine: "Ol' Cobb, shoot the hand o' the amulet holder!"

Hardwon: "Shoot the tall, pointy dude!"

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb hops on the ship. Ol' Cobb looks rattled, having seen that, [dice rolling] and Ol' Cobb is going to hit...Ol' Cobb does 9 damage to this knight guy. He's just taking another shot. [dice rolling] He misses. Boom. Blunderbuss bangs through the air. Egwene starts taking shots at this knight guy.

Hardwon: "That's right! Hit his wrist!"

Moonshine: "Yeah, hit him in the wrist!"

DM Murph: [Egwene] "I'll, uh, aim for his wrist, but if I hit him, that's what I was trying to do." [dice rolling] She actually misses on her first attack.

Hardwon: "Wrist!"

DM Murph: Pings off his armor. She, for being a total badass, she is rattled. She is a rattled child.

Moonshine: Yeah, suddenly her age is like, way...

DM Murph: Yeah, suddenly her age is showing a little bit. You see her kind of shaking as she holds the bow, but she does manage to hit this knight. [dice rolling] For...8 damage.

Hardwon: "Not bad, young tween."

Moonshine: "Yeah."

DM Murph: [rattled] "I'm not a- I'm not a tween."

Hardwon: "Sure."

Moonshine: "Yeah, no, you're a lady."

DM Murph: "Thank you." That is back around to the archers.

Beverly: Oh...

Hardwon: Who all fire at Ulfgar.

DM Murph: Who...Bev's up in their business, and there's only four of 'em...so I'm gonna say they just swing with their short swords, 'cause you guys, you're all up in the mix with 'em. So they're just gonna go after ya, Beverly.

Beverly: Are we not all just totally distracted?

DM Murph: They go, "Hah. Did you see that? He's on our side, dick."

Beverly: "Damn! Respect!”

DM Murph: And he swings...two guys hit you on their first attacks...[dice rolling] 10 damage total. Second attack...[dice rolling] They all miss.

Beverly: All right, cool.

DM Murph: They all miss big time.

Beverly: I shake off my fear and anxiety at seeing Ulfgar in this state.

DM Murph: That is you, Hardwon.

Hardwon: "Uh, Ulfgar! Hardwon Surefoot, Bastard of the Mountain, dude from Irondeep, uh, big fan. I'm gonna try to kill your master...okay."

DM Murph: [Ulfgar, furious] "Fuck you. Fuck...you."

Moonshine: "You're just- you're possessed! You're possessed!"

Hardwon: "Never meet your heroes."

Moonshine: "Yeah, that is true."

Hardwon: I'm gonna swing my greataxe at the pointy elf guy.

DM Murph: Okay. You're running over to the knight guy.

Hardwon: Ooh, 16!

DM Murph: 16 does not hit him.

Hardwon: All right. Takin’ a second swing. [dice rolling]

Beverly: I'm hoping that the Duttle technique pays off this time.

Hardwon: 20.

DM Murph: 20 hits.

Beverly: Nice!

Hardwon: Hit him for...10.

DM Murph: 10 damage. That is Bev's turn.

Beverly: Okay. Let me first- I'll shout to Erlin, say, "Erlin, toss me the amulet!"

DM Murph: [Erlin] "Uh, you're pretty far away, dude! Can you just, like, look at it?" And he holds up the amulet.

Hardwon: His wrist gets annihilated.

Beverly: Oh, no, I, like, I need it. I need to hold it. I want to try and counter-program Ulfgar.

DM Murph: Oh!

Beverly: "Erlin, it's time to do our ultimate move! Catch!"

Moonshine: "Ooh, you don't want someone to catch that, though."

DM Murph: Okay. Erlin is gonna run out. He throws the amulet into the air. You're gonna do an opposed athletics check against these archers that are up in your business.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: Oh, yeah. This is the Hail Mary. This is the jump ball.

Moonshine: Yeah!

Beverly: "I'm very good at sports!"

DM Murph: [as Erlin] "I'm John Elway, dude! I'm helpful!" [dice rolling]

Beverly: Now my turn?

DM Murph: You gotta crit.

Beverly: I have to crit?!

DM Murph: Only a crit.

Beverly: All right.

Hardwon: Well, just let 'em catch it and take his legs out from under him.

Beverly: [dice rolling] Uh, what am I adding to this?

DM Murph: Your athletics.

Beverly: Okay. Uh...I did not crit, but I got an 18.

DM Murph: That doesn't do it.

Beverly: Oof. Shit.

DM Murph: Erlin throws the amulet. One of these archer guys reaches up and grabs the amulet out of the air-

Beverly: I stab him.

DM Murph: -as you reach up to grab it.

Beverly: I attack.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: [dice rolling] 18.

DM Murph: 18 hits.

Beverly: Okay.

Hardwon: Get that amulet back.

Beverly: That's 14 damage?

DM Murph: 14 damage. He is very hurt, but not dead.

Beverly: Let me just attack, then.

DM Murph: Cool.

Beverly: That's gonna be...20.

DM Murph: 20 hits.

Beverly: Not natch.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: All right, cool. Uh, 13 damage?

DM Murph: 13 damage. You super kill him, and you kill a hurt guy next to him.

Beverly: Yeah! Oh, nice.

DM Murph: There was one guy who was only at 7, and that guy was only at 2. So, you not only slice through him, you slice through the archer next to him. You do eventually get the amulet back, from, like, a discarded corpse.

Beverly: Nice! Another successful game of catch!

DM Murph: [Erlin] "I'm sorry! I messed up, man!"

Beverly: "No, that was me, that was all me, dude!"

DM Murph: "Too much arc...I should have thrown it harder..."

Beverly: "Next year? You and me? We're goin' to John Elway's football game."

Hardwon: "Needed a swift chest pass there."

DM Murph: That is Moonshine's turn.

Moonshine: Okay. I'm gonna Misty Step and...what do you add to grapple? Is it strength?

DM Murph: Strength or athletics. I will give you advantage on the roll, because you're surprising him. It's like a sneak attack.

Moonshine: Okay. Yeah. I'm gonna Misty Step and try and steal that amulet.

DM Murph: O-kay!

Moonshine: 20. Not nat.

DM Murph: Okay. Shit. Moonshine Misty Steps behind this guy-

Moonshine: "Surprise!"

DM Murph: -reaches out to grab the amulet. [knight, startled] "Ah!" [dice rolling] He got a 19.

[cheering]

DM Murph: Moonshine, you reach out. You-

Moonshine: I whisper in his ear, 'cause it feels like a catchphrase right now, I'm like, "Storm's a-brewin'."

DM Murph: "Yes, I know, it's raining, what- are- are you one of the guards- [panicking as Moonshine grabs the amulet] Ah! Augh, ah, ah!" You grab the amulet off of him.

Beverly: Nice.

Moonshine: So, Misty Step is a bonus action. Does that mean I get to do anything else?

DM Murph: If you want to do something with the amulet or yell something, I will allow that.

Moonshine: I'm gonna say, "Ulfgar! Kill this knight!" And I point at the knight.

DM Murph: Give me a persuasion check with advantage.

[dice rolling]

Hardwon: Oh, hell yeah.

Moonshine: Already...

Hardwon: That's pretty good.

Moonshine: Uh, shout out to the two crew, but I am gonna go with the 16. Uh...18.

Hardwon: Respect, two crew.

Beverly: Wow.

DM Murph: Moonshine, as you yell that, Ulfgar turns towards you and the knight, and you see the knight is standing there with you, and he goes, [fearful] "What are you doing? He's- he'll kill both of us! He'll kill all of us!" You see Ulfgar starts cackling. [Ulfgar laughing maniacally] And his hood falls back, and you guys know Ulfgar was famous for having jet black hair, just this powerful young dwarf.

Moonshine: Oh my god...Gandalf the Grey...

DM Murph: But now his hair is grey.

Beverly: Oh, no.

DM Murph: It's only been a few years since the Asmodeus stuff.

Moonshine: "It looks good on you!"

DM Murph: His eyes are a milky white, and you see giant black scabs all over his face.

Hardwon: "Uh, you're gracefully aging...”

Beverly: "Dang, he got that Rot!"

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora..."

DM Murph: And the wounds are pulsating, as if they're alive and breathing on their own.

Moonshine: Is it still my turn that I can ask a question?

DM Murph: It would appear that Ulfgar has Crick Rot.

Moonshine: That's what I wanted to say! "Ulfgar, come with me! I'm gonna save whatever's ailing you!"

Beverly: "Moonshine!"

DM Murph: Ulfgar starts char- it is not Ulfgar's turn, but Ulfgar starts running towards you and the knight.

Moonshine: I'm not scared! Now that I see his Crick Rot, I just want to give him a big hug!

Beverly: No! You need to take a wide berth!

DM Murph: Yeah, do you want to take any movement to back up from the knight at all?

Moonshine: I want to open my arms for a hug.

DM Murph: You know he's got cleave and stuff.

Moonshine: But he has Crick Rot!

Beverly: Okay. Okay. All right.

DM Murph: All right. We'll deal with that-

Moonshine: He has Crick Rot!

DM Murph: Okay. Dang. Okay, Moonshine's just standing there, trying to support him. Oh, boy.

Moonshine: I'm sorry, I cannot be rational here! I just saw what's afflicting my people.

Beverly: This is good.

DM Murph: You see the knight start yelling to the little wiener-y dudes. "Get- get in the way! Stop him! Stop him! Stop him, get the amulet back!" [dice rolling] And...these guards...there are five guards left...three of 'em are gonna go stand in front of their captain. These guys believe that the light will protect them, that they're gonna be okay.

Hardwon: I'm gonna nod to the other two and just be like, "Right move."

DM Murph: And those two guys are going to try to grab the amulet from Moonshine.

Moonshine: You know what, if they get me down, I died tryin' to love.

Beverly: Beautiful.

DM Murph: Moonshine, give me an athletics or a strength check.

Hardwon: Let's go, Moonie.

[dice rolling]

Beverly: Aww.

Moonshine: Oogh...what did you get?

DM Murph: They rolled a 2 and a 4.

[laughter]

Moonshine: [clapping in mirth] I got a 12!

DM Murph: They got a...they got a 3 and a 5.

Moonshine: Can I dictate how I won?

DM Murph: Please!

Moonshine: I would like to say that Paw Paw popped out of my bib, grabbed the amulet, and then dove back into my bib.

Beverly: So good...

DM Murph: Yeah, they're just, like, trying to grab at you. You're wrestling both of them, you've got your hand stiff-arming one of them as they try to grab at you. Paw Paw's just deep in them overalls, not traceable, just, he's down in, like, the ankles, rollin' around down there.

Moonshine: [Moonshine growls]

DM Murph: Oh, my goodness. Okay, that was the guards' turn, they totally wasted their fucking turn. And then that's Ulfgar. Ulfgar rushes forward. He's got three guys in his path, takes his first attack. [dice rolling] Hits, believe it or not. [dice rolling]

Beverly: Ulfie!

DM Murph: That is...21 damage. It kills one guy, and it puts another guy down to 1. That guy is super, super hurt.

Moonshine: Wait, does the other guy go down to 1 because he's a zombie?

DM Murph: No, he goes down to 1 because he got sliced through.

Moonshine: Oh, okay. Gotcha.

DM Murph: Ulfgar didn't do enough damage. Ulfgar looks very upset about that. He swings, gets a little emotional, rolls a 1. Misses, believe it or not. [Ulfgar] "Stop wrigglin' around, ya wriggly little bitches!"

Moonshine: "I was just tellin' Nana that!"

DM Murph: He takes his third swing, and he does hit. [dice rolling] And he does quite a bit of damage, and he swings through another two guys. He takes...oh, that's it for those guys. He rushes forward and he's...okay, you're there with your arms open.

Moonshine: I have a look of love on my face, and my bosom is so inviting for the warmest hug he's ever gotten.

DM Murph: Okay. Ulfgar...

Moonshine: But I also did command him with the amulet to go after the knight.

DM Murph: You did. Okay. Yes. So Ulfgar is first. I'm gonna have you roll another persuasion check if he kills this guy and continues to cleave through him.

Moonshine: Okay.

DM Murph: So he takes his first swing at this guy, who is rightly horrified. [dice rolling] And he crits.

Hardwon: Oh, shucks.

DM Murph: [dice rolling]

Moonshine: I whisper to Paw Paw, "If I drop, scramble-boy away with the amulet."

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: Okay. He does 40 damage.

Moonshine: I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of this now.

DM Murph: He cuts this knight right in half. You're back there with these two guards on you. Moonshine, roll pure luck on a d20. I will still let you roll a persuasion check if he was going to hit you. Just pure luck.

Moonshine: 17!

Beverly: Woo-hoo!

DM Murph: Okay. [dice rolling] One of these guys rolled very poorly. He gets completely killed by the leftover damage, and another guard goes down. There's another 10 damage left over. This guy kinda got out of the way. As the cleave starts to go through to you, Moonshine, what do you say? The fact that you have the amulet is helpful.

Moonshine: I say, "Ulfgar, you are a hero for a reason. Even if that is not on display in this moment, I believe in you. I do not know what infects your blood, and what infects your brain, and what infects your organs and your viscera, but I know that your heart has not been infected."

DM Murph: Give me a persuasion check with advantage.

Hardwon: Would've been so brutal if you said 'with disadvantage.'

[laughter]

Beverly: C+.

DM Murph: Ulfgar is just a super modest guy, he didn't want to hear it.

Moonshine: Shout out to the two crew, but I am gonna go for the 11, so it's 13.

Hardwon: 13...

Moonshine: It's fine. I'll take the damage. I'll take the damage. I’ll still have some hit points to try and persuade him to love.

DM Murph: He does continue to slice through, but as- he hits you for 10 damage-

Moonshine: Bring it on. I mouth 'I love you' as he is slicing through me.

DM Murph: You do see, as he cuts into you and you're not fighting- you see this guy is just in a fucking frenzy. Just, like, full bloodlust. You see him kind of lose grip of his axe for a second, and you see that one of his milky eyes goes clear for a second. He's got a pupil again. And then he tastes the fucking blood on the air as he cuts into you, and it goes white again as he slashes through your belly, but you back up.

Moonshine: Oh my god, this is what's affecting my people! Are they all attackin' each other?

DM Murph: That takes us to...

Moonshine: So it's 10 damage, right?

DM Murph: It's 10 damage.

Beverly: Oh, boy. That's not hospitable.

DM Murph: This is a fun encounter. Oh my god.

Moonshine: You know what? Sometimes, you know...if you're a bad guest, sometimes you just need to learn a lesson about hospitality.

DM Murph: Oh my goodness. Okay. That is...so it's Ol' Cobb's turn. Ol' Cobb is going to rush up and join Moonshine, and he's gonna hold his action until further notice. That is Egwene's turn. Egwene has her bow up, and she's shaking, and she yells to you guys, "What do I do? I don't know what to do!"

Hardwon: Hardwon puts up his hand. "Don't...shoot it yet."

Moonshine: "Yeah. Hold your action."

DM Murph: She holds her action.

Beverly: I nod at her.

DM Murph: She nods, fucking terrified. That is back to...[laughing] the archers!

[laughter]

Beverly: These bozos!

DM Murph: Oh my god, these fucking bozos. These bozos run. These guys fucking take off.

Beverly: "Wait, no!"

DM Murph: The archers and the guards take off. You guys get opportunity attacks on them if you want to try to kill them if they run off, but they're...

Moonshine: Might as well take this opportunity attack.

Beverly: I was gonna ask about...if they had, like, lovers, or parents, or just learn a little more about 'em.

DM Murph: Yeah, they're yelling about all the things they have to live for as they run off.

Moonshine: Yeah, right! They're the Chosen, they're the bad guys.

DM Murph: So, these archers have taken off. This guard guy can't take off yet, it is not his turn, it is Hardwon's turn.

Hardwon: I throw down my axe.

DM Murph: Okay.

Hardwon: I say, "Ulfgar, we are not your enemy, and you are not yourself. Look at Moonshine."

DM Murph: You see he looks at you, he looks at Moonshine, he's just covered in blood and [is] this fucking maniac.

Hardwon: "You're a man of the mind, just like me. I know you can't be controlled by a fucking amulet. You're stronger than that."

DM Murph: Bev, it is your turn.

Beverly: That guard's still there, right?

DM Murph: Yes, he is still there.

Beverly: I guess I'll take care of him first.

DM Murph: Okay. [laughter]

Beverly: Seems smart.

DM Murph: He's turning to go run away.

Beverly: Oh, is he running away?

DM Murph: I mean, you don't know, it's not his turn yet.

Beverly: Alright. Um...

DM Murph: He might pull some scumbag shit, you don't know.

Hardwon: Just sidle up behind him and just quietly stab under his breastplate.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: It'll look like he fainted.

Beverly: I want to do a real cool Moonshine slide and try and stab this guy, and then get in position next to Moonshine.

DM Murph: Okay. Cool.

Beverly: [dice rolling] Okay, that's a...16+8. That's probably gonna do it.

DM Murph: Yes. That is going to hit this guy. It is so funny when huge things happen, but there are still weenies around.

Beverly: Yeah. That's 8 damage.

DM Murph: Cool. He's still alive. Barely, and he doesn't have a lot to live for. He doesn't like his life right now.

Beverly: Okay, can I just say- can I just push him, be like, "Get out of here! Go! Get out of here, man!"

DM Murph: Yeah.

Moonshine: “Know when you're not needed!”

Beverly: "What the fuck are you do- go!"

DM Murph: "Ah, okay."

Beverly: "Read the damn room, buddy!"

DM Murph: He starts- he's so panicked, he starts running and he just falls off the airship. "Nooooooo! [gasps for breath] Noooooooo!"

Beverly: "Oh, come- mom, mom, move! Mom, watch out!"

DM Murph: "Nooooo-" he's just gone.

Beverly: Now I'm in position...can I pray? Can I hold my amulet aloft?

DM Murph: Yeah. Yeah.

Beverly: Okay. I want to hold my amulet up to Ulfgar. "This isn't what Thiala would want."

DM Murph: You see he laughs, and he goes, "This is exactly what she wants."

Beverly: "What?!"

DM Murph: That is Moonshine's turn.

Moonshine: Is Thiala responsible for Crick Rot?

DM Murph: Moonshine, it is your turn. What do you do?

Moonshine: Okay. I'm gonna say, "Ulfgar. I command you to remember the happiest moment from your childhood, whether it be runnin' amok in the fields chasin' a nannerfly, or eatin' a big ol' piece o' gooseberry pie. I don't know what the happiest moment in your childhood was, but I command you to remember it, and remember why you went down the path that you went down. And if you still wanna fight me, I will- I will take your blows as a friend, and not a foe."

DM Murph: Okay. Roll a persuasion check with advantage. You got the amulet, your friends helped you out. You can also roll a d6 of inspiration.

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: Ulfgar's happiest moment was probably carrying ore up from the mines as a toddler.

Moonshine: Okay, I got a 19+2, so 21...[dice rolling] +1 of inspiration, so 22.

DM Murph: It was a DC 20 persuasion check.

[relieved laughter]

DM Murph: Ulfgar goes back to swing, and as the axe starts to get close to you, he just goes, "Duck, damn it! Duck!" Do you duck?

Moonshine: [softly] No.

DM Murph: Ol' Cobb, reaction, dives and catches- and pulls you down.

Moonshine: [yelling] "No! No!"

Hardwon: No, he dove on top of you! He didn't-

DM Murph: As Ulfgar swings, Ol' Cobb grabs you, and you guys hit the deck. Ulfgar swings, fuckin' baseball bat swing with his axe, but throws his axe away, and it goes and it hits into the mountain. Ulfgar drops to the ground, and he starts clawing at his face, but you see that one of his eyes is back to normal. He's got pupils again. And you see he goes, [strained] "She's...manipulating me. She knows...how my bloodlust...if I'm near her...or if I'm in battle...I can't control myself..."

Moonshine: "Hardwon, pilot this ship as far away from here as possible."

Hardwon: "Yeah, Ol' Red taught me a thing or two. Uh...Erlin! Nana!"

Beverly: "Hop on!"

Hardwon: "Mrs. Toegold! Get on board!"

Beverly: "Let's book it!"

Hardwon: "I am the captain now!" I spin the wheel and fuckin' head out into the sunset.

DM Murph: Erlin, Nana, and Mama Toegold run out, jump onto the airship-

Moonshine: "Ulfgar, what did you remember when I asked you to remember your favorite childhood memory? I'll tell you my favorite childhood memory if you tell me yours."

DM Murph: [breathing heavily] "It...it was...I don't even...I barely even remember...I barely even remember..."

Moonshine: "Was it pie?"

DM Murph: "I don't...I can't remember the last time...I can't remember the last time I ate...or I did anything...but fight..."

Moonshine: "I'll whip you up some food! I'll whip you up some food!"

Beverly: "Do you like jambalaya?"

DM Murph: "I don't know..."

Moonshine: "Gumbo? Gazpacho?"

DM Murph: "I don't know what I like anymore..."

Moonshine: "Oh, Melora..."

Hardwon: "Cobb, give him some of that Crick water."

DM Murph: [Cobb] "Uh, yeah, you know what, I don't know if I want to see what this fella's like drunk."

Hardwon: "Eh, it's sort of a downer."

DM Murph: You guys got Ulfgar here. He's kind of freakin' out. He's there, clawing at his face.

Moonshine: "I think we just need to get as far away from Thiala as possible."

Hardwon: We're sailin' away.

DM Murph: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, punching planks and freaking out, but trying to contain himself, being a maniac dude, but not attacking anyone.

Hardwon: I toss him the dead body of one of the White Knights.

DM Murph: Holy shit. He just starts punching one. He just keeps punching into it. [Ulfgar grunting in exertion]

Moonshine: I politely cover Nana's eyes.

Beverly: "Hardwon, play your block!"

Moonshine: "Yeah!"

Hardwon: [playing block] Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack.

Moonshine: I break out New Betsy.

DM Murph: Beautiful. You guys play this beau- he starts punching the dude's face to the beat. Hardwon takes the wheel. You guys take off on this airship into the storm. It is still daytime. Suddenly-

Moonshine: Oh, no.

DM Murph: The sky goes black.

Moonshine: What?

Beverly: [groan of dismay]

DM Murph: It just immediately turns to night.

Moonshine: A mithril dragon?

[laughter]

Hardwon: Worst.

DM Murph: But there are no stars.

Moonshine: Just nighttime. What? [gasp]

Beverly: More bullywugs.

DM Murph: There are no stars in the sky.

Beverly: Oh, god.

DM Murph: But then your eye is drawn to the clouds above the castle, where you see what looks like an angel with wings in the shiniest plate mail you've ever seen. She wields a shield and a mighty hammer that she raises over her head. It radiates a white light that envelopes her in a giant magical orb. She's as bright as the moon in the night sky. She's floating down towards the castle, and you're too far away to see if her mouth is moving, but you suddenly hear a voice in your head. [whispering] "My child. You have been forsaken." And you see based on how everyone else is reacting, like, Hardwon, you look over at Ol' Cobb, and he's looking up at Thiala. You guys see Erlin and your mom and everybody look up.

Moonshine: "Did someone use Rapport Spores? I thought I was the only one who could cast it."

DM Murph: She keeps talking. She says, "For ages, we have worshiped false gods who've toiled away on their own planes while we bled. But we suffer no longer. I will take care of you. Follow me, and I will lead you to heaven. A world without sin. I will bring this kingdom [voice rising] to light!" Suddenly, there's an explosion of light from her hammer, and the sky instantly clears up, and it's day again. It's not even raining. And she says, "Today, the Chosen have failed in their mission to purge the non-believers. But I am a benevolent god. I forgive you, my children. The evil of these false deities was too difficult to overcome on your own. Unlike them, I am here to help my followers." You suddenly see eight spectral angels with giant greatswords emerge from around her, and together, they all begin lowering down towards the church district. Suddenly, you hear yelling from overhead. "Death to all those who oppose the Light! Death to the non-believers! Death to false gods!"

Beverly: "No..."

Moonshine: "Shit, we gotta go back there..."

DM Murph: You guys also see movement. You see- they look like little ants, they're so far away, as the Chosen begin rushing down the stairs from the castle. Guys, everybody give me a perception check.

[dice rolling]

Hardwon: That's a nat 20.

DM Murph: Holy shit.

Hardwon: Don't really need it.

DM Murph: No, you do need it.

Hardwon: Oh, good.

DM Murph: As she's lowering in slow motion, even as she's just talking in your head, Hardwon, your eye is suddenly drawn to Rosaline, and you hear loud whispering. [dice rolling]

Hardwon: Rosaline? I go over to it.

DM Murph: Okay. Do you guys all touch it? The sword? Or just Hardwon?

Moonshine: Uh, is it gonna compromise Ulfgar if I touch it?

DM Murph: Actually, Ulfgar? As soon as fucking Thiala popped up, he started clawing at his face and ran down below deck.

Moonshine: Okay.

Hardwon: Cool. "So, hey, guys, the, uh..."

Beverly: "Head's up!"

Hardwon: "That loser's sword is talking, I think."

Moonshine: "Melora..."

Beverly: "Ugh. Is it- is it a listed number?"

Hardwon: "Let's check it out.

Beverly: "Okay..."

DM Murph: So. you guys-

Moonshine: We all put our ear to the seal.

DM Murph: You guys know that Derlin has a sword, Uncle Duck has a sword. Who do you guys listen to? What are you guys gonna do?

Moonshine: Uncle Duck, definitely!

Beverly: Uncle Duck.

Hardwon: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah. Okay. You guys channel Rosaline. You see through Uncle Duck's eyes. You see that the Green Knights and the Green Teens are in their chapel. The door is barred shut, with pews stacked up against it. And you can hear the sounds of fighting outside. And you see the door shaking as someone rams against it. Bev's dad and the other knights are sitting in a circle on a giant flowerbed, holding hands around a statue of Pelor in the middle of the room. He leads everyone in a ritual. It sounds like he's speaking Elvish, but it's a little bit different. Bev and Moonshine, you quickly realize that he's speaking Sylvan-

Moonshine: Fey?

DM Murph: -the language of the fey, as in the fairy folk. You can pick up-

Moonshine: [to Beverly] "You got a well-versed pop."

DM Murph: You can pick up words here and there. You hear that he's requesting access to a kingdom. To a place called the Feywild. You hear the [whispered] “Feywild, Feywild.”

Beverly: "Feywild..."

DM Murph: Requesting access. Things you don't understand.

Moonshine: Daddy's trippin' planes.

DM Murph: You guys know from stories that the Feywild is a world of beautiful chaos, defined by nature and magic, and unlike the upper and lower planes where the gods reside, the Feywild is a parallel plane to the mortal realm. So powerful heroes with a strong connection to nature can access it at certain weak points between the two worlds. One such point exists here at the Church of Pelor, which is why the building is overrun with abundant plant life. It would appear that the Green Knights are performing a ritual to escape there, but it isn't quite working yet. Bev, since you prayed to Pelor to protect your dad?

Beverly: Yeah?

DM Murph: I'm gonna let you guys aid in the ritual.

Moonshine: Okay, good.

DM Murph: Oh, I want to know what- I want you guys to roleplay it and tell me what everyone does.

Beverly: Okay.

Moonshine: Um...I am going to tweak my nipple and tune into Melora, and say, "Melora, the children of Pelor need proof that you are a cooperative, communal god. Show them your kindness, and transport them to the Feywild, preferably the most safe part of the Feywild, 'cause I know that shit gets dodgy."

DM Murph: You see that, as you say that, Ol' Cobb puts his hand on your shoulder, and he goes, "Know I ain't a prayin' man, but I have sinned. I know the world has given me plenty of chances. I only ask that you extend the same blessings to those people up there, in that there church."

Moonshine: I take out a little knife, and I'm like, "Do we blood ritual, y'all?"

Hardwon: Hardwon shakes his head.

[laughter]

Moonshine: "Like, no?"

Hardwon: "Not yet."

Moonshine: "Oh, okay, okay."

Hardwon: Hardwon, I think...I'm just gonna take my braid out, shake out my hair.

Moonshine: Ooh!

Hardwon: Shut my eyes and say, "I've never- I’ve never believed in anything, but if there's any gods out there, prove me wrong." And then I'm gonna start playing my wood block.

Moonshine: Oh, I take out New Betsy. I take out New Betsy and I play.

DM Murph: The band starts playing.

Beverly: I take out my fife, yeah.

DM Murph: Bev, what do you do?

Beverly: Okay...um. I think I do call to Egwene and Erlin, and my mom and Nana Kindleaf.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: We're all, you know, of the...we all have training in the arts of the Green Teen.

DM Murph: They join you. You guys kind of all circle up. They link hands with you guys.

Beverly: Yeah. I take one of the more colorful mushrooms out of Moonshine's hair, with permission.

Moonshine: "Oh, always. It's kinda like a- it's a take a penny, leave a penny up there."

Hardwon: So you have to hock a loogie in her hair.

[laughter]

Beverly: I do. I do that, and I put it in the center, and I say, "It's not much, but it'll do."

Moonshine: [gasp] "The Fey- that's such a good idea. I bet the Fey would love mushrooms. They’re so quixotic."

Beverly: Yeah. Yeah, I give an offering of a wild symbol of nature. I invite everyone to join me, and we all circle around, like I saw my dad doing.

Moonshine: "Okay. Heck, y'all, I know you said it wasn't time for a blood ritual, but I shed a little bit of blood. Just a touch of blood on the mushroom."

Beverly: I think, no, I think I say, "This for the Fey, this for the Wild," and I put some blood on the mushroom as well.

DM Murph: Dope. Okay. Yeah.

Hardwon: "Fuck it. I'll do- yeah, I'll do some blood, too."

Moonshine: "Yeah, okay."

DM Murph: You see these other guys- you see Erlin cuts his hand, and he puts his hand over the mushroom, and he goes, "Pelor, if you- if you help these guys, I'll- I'm gonna become a cleric! I'm gonna be a cleric, 'cause I'm- I'm not strong, but I- I think I'm just strong in a different way. And...I just...I want to help people, so...I...I hope this works. Please- please help people."

Moonshine: "Youngin’, you would make such a good cleric."

Hardwon: "Proud of you, son."

Beverly: "Yeah!"

DM Murph: And Erlin looks at you, and he puts his hand on your shoulder, and he goes, "Bev, we- you can do this. We gotta do this."

Beverly: "We can do this. Thank you for being here. I can't do it without you."

DM Murph: "None of this is possible without you, dude. We're gonna do this. I know we're gonna do this."

Beverly: I'm trembling a little bit. The amulet is in my hand, and it's shaking. I put it away for now, 'cause I don't think I need it.

Moonshine: I don't think it's helpful in this situation.

Beverly: No. No, no, no.

Moonshine: Wouldn't want to power her.

Beverly: I shed its- I hide it away, and then I focus on Pelor without its aid.

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: And I walk to the center. I get everyone to start swaying, playing an instrument if they want.

DM Murph: Okay.

Moonshine: "Oooh! Feel like I'm at a crawfish boil."

Beverly: I get them to start humming. They start saying, [whispered] "Callooh. Callay. Callooh. Callay."

[all in unison, Mooshine humming a tune] "Callooh. Callay. Callooh. Callay."

Beverly: "O, great Pelor!"

[the chanting continues as Beverly speaks]

Beverly: "My people need you. It's time for us to go on a trip. We've worked hard, but there's more work to be done. You are a man of joy, a god of delight, but most of all, you are wild and pure. Take us to the land where my people may heal. Take us to the Feywild.”

DM Murph: Beautiful. Bev, roll me a religion check with advantage, and give me three dice of inspiration.

Beverly: Okay.

DM Murph: One from Moonshine, one from Hardwon, and one from Erlin.

Moonshine: Woo! d6?

DM Murph: Yup, d6, babies.

Moonshine: Take my d6!

Beverly: That's a 19 on the first roll.

DM Murph: Holy shit.

Moonshine: [laughter]

Hardwon: Yeah!

Beverly: [dice rolling] That's a 9 on the second one, so...

DM Murph: Okay.

Beverly: All right.

Moonshine: 19- but then you add your religion.

Beverly: Oh, yeah. So 19 plus...my religion, I believe, is 3.

DM Murph: 3. 22?

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: [dice rolling] 4.

Beverly: Nice.

DM Murph: 4. What does that bring it up to, 26?

Moonshine: I drop a li'l more blood. [dice rolling] 3.

DM Murph: 29. Erlin goes.

Beverly: Before he goes, I grab him...and I smooch his face really hard.

Moonshine: "Hoo, Melora is good!"

DM Murph: Bev and Erlin kiss in the middle. [dice rolling] He rolls a 5. That's a total of- what, you guys got, like, 34?

Moonshine: 34.

DM Murph: This was a DC30 check.

[cheering]

DM Murph: You see vines shoot out from the ship and circle around Bev and Erlin as they kiss in the middle, and it is this beautiful, majestic scene.

Beverly: Sweet.

Moonshine: Moonshine weeps. Moonshine and Paw Paw are weeping.

DM Murph: [Paw Paw, crying] "Reeer! Reer, reer, reer, reer! Reer! Reer, reer, reer!"

[laughter]

DM Murph: You see vines grow around them, and flowers sprout up on the vines, and then...Hardwon, you still have the sword. You're looking through the sword. You see the flowerbed that they're around comes to life, with blades of grass slithering, then growing into vines and wrapping themselves around the Green Knights and the Green Teens. The garden glows green and takes on a gel-like consistency, then gets brighter and brighter as Bev's dad and company are pulled into it. It looks almost like an octopus dragging someone into the ocean. The last thing you see is a face full of green goo as Uncle Duck is swallowed down by the flowerbed, and the Green Knights and the Green Teens...escape to the Feywild, baby!

[cheering]

Beverly: Gettin' wild in the Feywild!

Hardwon: "Your dad's gonna be alright, kid!"

Moonshine: "Spring break! Spring break in the Feywild!"

Beverly: "Spring break in the Feywild!"

DM Murph: The Scry spell breaks just in time for you to see explosions erupting from the church district, and Ol' Cobb looks at you guys, and he goes, "Well, should we get the hell out of here, or what?"

Beverly: “Amen, Ol' Cobb!”

Moonshine: "Yeah."

Hardwon: "You're talkin' to the right captain, Cobb."

Moonshine: "Yeah, Hardwon!"

Hardwon: "Spin the wheel again!"

Beverly: "Punch it!"

DM Murph: "Hardwon. Take the wheel, brother."

Hardwon: "Jesus take the wheel."

Beverly: "No, no, you take it."

Hardwon: "Okay."

DM Murph: Hardwon takes the wheel. As you guys fly off, I would say into the night, but it is daytime, you fly off into the day. And that's where we'll end our session.

[all cheering and clapping]

Beverly: Oh, y'all, we are gonna take a nap!

Moonshine: Oh, Melora, I hope we earned a night's sleep!

Hardwon: Come on!

DM Murph: I was- I wanted to make that ritual moment, like, pretty hard, like a DC30. I was very worried that you guys were gonna roll very poorly and not make it.

Beverly: Oh, man.

DM Murph: But it- you know, it had to be hard. But you guys did it.

Beverly: Had to be hard.

Hardwon: Thank Moradin, Melora, Pelor.

Moonshine: Thank fuckin' god Beverly rolled a frickin' 19.

DM Murph: 19! Dope!

Hardwon: Yeah, that was a game-changer.

DM Murph: Yeah, you basically had to roll a 15 or higher. So many things happened.

Beverly: Yeah. Big ol' day.

Hardwon: And it will all be discussed on the Short Rest.

DM Murph: Yeah, guys!

Moonshine: You tease.

DM Murph: In addition to a million other things coming up, listen to our after-show at patreon.com/naddpod, where we'll talk about this episode, and, um...yeah. Other plugs...guys, buy me and Emily's book. It's called Hey, U Up? How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact, it's available on Amazon and Audible, if you want to listen to your books.

Beverly: If you're listening to this on Thursday, the next day, on Friday, you can catch an episode-

Moonshine: Green City Knights!

Beverly: -of Big City Greens.

Moonshine: Big City Greens!

Hardwon: Let's call it Green City Knights!

Beverly: Big City Green Knights.

Moonshine: Big City Green Knights!

Beverly: It's gonna be there. It's an episode I did. It's got a...motocross rally in it.

DM Murph: Hell yeah.

Beverly: Yeah.

Hardwon: Woo!

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Guys, wake up. Buy your tickets to our live show in Seattle.

Beverly: Hell yeah.

DM Murph: Watch some Big City Greens.

Hardwon: That’s right.

DM Murph: Have yourself a nice little Friday.

Moonshine: Honestly, if you're in the situation that I'm in, I mean...have a fuckin' drink and look out the window for a little bit. That's what I feel like I need to do.

[laughter]

Hardwon: Yeah, I just need to stare pensively into the moon.

Moonshine: I need to put Sufjan Stevens on and just, like, quietly be in the passenger's seat of a moving car.

Hardwon: [singing Sufjan Stevens]

Beverly: We have acquired so many fucking dads on this journey. I'm worried about all of them.

Moonshine: I know...

Hardwon: It's true.

Beverly: Oh, boy.

DM Murph: Man. Moonshine, you thought for a second that Ol' Cobb was sacrificing himself for you.

Moonshine: I was so fucking worried.

DM Murph: He was just trying to get you out of the way of that errant swing.

Hardwon: Thank god he prepped that reaction.

Moonshine: Yeah.

DM Murph: Yeah. I mean, you couldn't have taken an Ulfgar five attacks, although if he took you out, he probably, he would've had to, like, sustain- if he knocked you down, he would've had to roll to try to contain his bloodlust.

Moonshine: I mean, I had to try it.

DM Murph: Yeah, it was beautiful.

Moonshine: If I had wavered and not shown him love, it would have ruined everything.

DM Murph: Totally true.

Hardwon: I think, standing in the face of certain death, you didn't sacrifice or compromise who you are.

DM Murph: Yeah. Hell yeah, guys.

Hardwon: That's a beautiful thing.

Moonshine: Well, you know, life and death are two sides of the same coin.

Hardwon: Hardwon fell in love with you in that moment.

DM Murph: All right, guys. Catch us on the Short Rest, follow us on twitter. @chmurph is me, @eaxford is Emily, @jakehurwitz is Jake, @caldy is Caldwell, and if you want to tweet about the show, tweet about it using #NADDPod. That's [spelling] N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

[singing in unison, fading out] We are, we are, the youth of a nation! We are, we are...